On 1/23/07, Aaron Nowack <anowack@mimiru.net> wrote:
Time to dust off those C&C muscles once again...
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Mmm. Boilerplate. :)
Disclaimers: The paints, as always, are the property of Takahashi
Rumiko; I'm merely a peasant with an easel.
But no brushes, it seems. :)
Real men fingerpaint. With punches. Rawr~!
(Yeah, that's about right for my typical level of subtlety.)
"I want you to help us get rid of Shampoo and Ukyou."
...given the "angst/dark" tag, I have a strong suspicion this is
foreshadowing one or both of those two dying.
I dunno. I wanted to do something 'dark' without having someone die.
Disclaimers: The paints, as always, are the property of Takahashi
Rumiko; I'm merely a peasant with an easel.
Sorry, you only get one metaphor mocking this time. ;)
But that's like, our only in-joke!
Free to be with my husband.
Hmm. So a different POV each chapter, then?
That was the initial plan. Originally, Akane had a whole chapter, but
that ended up not working out to show what I wanted from chapter
four.... Which was double the length of any other chapter _any_way.
She sighs again. "Well. You.... Ah." For once the old woman looks
unsure. I take some small comfort in that -- at least I'm not the
only one lost, so far from home.
I haven't had much line-by-line comments here, but I'm liking the
characterization of Shampoo and Cologne here.
Why, thank you. I worked long and hard on that part.
He shakes his head quickly, glancing to his father for support. The
bespectacled man is quietly considerate, apparently approving Ranma's
course thus far. Ranma smiles weakly, and says-
Genma approving the plan is probably a great sign that it's not going to
work out...
Yeah, but not for the reasons you might think.
Nicely done, thus far, even though I wound up without many line-by-line
comments.
Moving on to the next, I suppose...
Well, hopefully that means I did my job right. :p
....*wince*
....*double wince*
Ow. I stopped recording the winces, but that was... well, it definitely
earned the dark tag there.
Oh, good. Kind of.
So, this fic has a secret ingredient: first, I applied a solution of
Baccardi 151 and Dr. Pepper (Dr. Baccardi!) until I couldn't walk
straight. Thusly limited to my chair, I proceeded to write each
chapter of this fic on a separate night of binge-drinking, followed by
a somewhat more sober editing session the next morning, tempered with
the self-loathing of an epic hangover.
I don't suggest this method, and I don't intend to try it again.
Still, I suppose it did get results....
...that's not good.
*snip bunches*
Well, I recognize that fanfic, at least.
Bunches of 'em!
Well, that's a moderately hopeful ending, though given that the next
chapter adds a "squicky" tag and doesn't drop the "angst" or "dark",
somehow I doubt it works out that way.
Eh, maybe went a little tag-crazy. <_<
Huh. I really wound up having almost no line-by-lines, so I should
probably try and say something significant down here to make up for it?
Well, first, I did like the story. It was very well written, and told
the story it set out to tell well. So... none of the below changes
that; they're just thoughts I had that might (or might not) make a good
story better.
I really liked the first chapter, but I have to agree with Angus MacSpon
that it doesn't really fit with the rest of the story. I think it's
strong enough to stand on its own; it might work better as a sidestory
than as the first chapter. As is, it's a little jarring to have one
chapter devoted to Shampoo and then the rest of the story focused on Ukyou.
I did consider the idea of labeling Shampoo's chapter a side-story.
I'm not honestly sure how that changes things, though. Well, I guess
if it were read after the rest of the story, it might actually make
for a more uplifting presentation.
It's a thought. I will consider it, once I finish dealing with RL's
pesky annoyances.
Akane's characterization doesn't quite ring true to me. She's just...
too calm, I suppose. I can see her being numb with shock for a little
while perhaps, but once the revelations sink in I'd think she'd be upset
and angry, not just calmly accepting and moving on. Also, while she
obviously she has to reject Ranma for the story to work, I would think
doing so would be upsetting and hard for her. This is, after all,
someone she was just (fairly happily) getting married to; I wouldn't
think those feelings would just fade away quietly and cleanly like they
seem to here.
Yeah.... I've been catching rather a lot of flak for that, actually
(mostly not from the FFML). A revision is called for, but I'm not
sure where to go yet. I'm going to let it sit for a while, so I can
come back to the epilogue with fresh eyes, and maybe make it less a
detractant.
*shrug* Just my opinions; use or ignore them as you see fit.
I shall put them to work in the fic mines henceforth!
As always, thanks for taking the time to comment, evil twin!
--
Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.mimiru.net/