Time to dust off those C&C muscles once again...
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Brian Randall wrote:
Descent -- Prologue
One Bright Day
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Brian Randall
Disclaimers: The paints, as always, are the property of Takahashi
Rumiko; I'm merely a peasant with an easel.
But no brushes, it seems. :)
"You don't...." Of course she really believes that. And she might
have been right. "Oh. Fine. What do you want me to do about it
now?"
"I want you to help us get rid of Shampoo and Ukyou."
...given the "angst/dark" tag, I have a strong suspicion this is
foreshadowing one or both of those two dying.
Descent -- Chapter One
Laws of Love
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Brian Randall
Disclaimers: The paints, as always, are the property of Takahashi
Rumiko; I'm merely a peasant with an easel.
Sorry, you only get one metaphor mocking this time. ;)
------------------------------------------------
I like the afternoons. They're the busiest part of the day, and give
me the least amount of time to myself, but they're always the worst
part of it. I suppose it's just that I like the feeling that I'm
going to be done soon, and then no matter how bad it is ... I'll be
free!
Free to be with my husband.
Hmm. So a different POV each chapter, then?
More than simply losing my husband to her, I was going to lose my
right to go home. The shame of my failure would make me an outcast
... cursed and unwelcome.
"There are other ways," Great-Grandmother says darkly. I almost
choke when I realize what she's suggesting. If Ranma will not take
me, who will he sentence me to? Tears come to my eyes at the thought
of a marriage to Mousse, rejected by Ranma.
Should this be "who will she sentence me to?" Or is it indeed Ranma
that would do the sentencing?
"I take second place," I reply with a roll of my eyes. "Oh, lovely,
Great-Grandmother. The pride of our village can be Ranma's silver
medal. What does it matter? He _doesn't love me_." It hurts less
when I make myself say it.
But it still hurts.
She sighs again. "Well. You.... Ah." For once the old woman looks
unsure. I take some small comfort in that -- at least I'm not the
only one lost, so far from home.
I haven't had much line-by-line comments here, but I'm liking the
characterization of Shampoo and Cologne here.
Ranma looks at me for a minute, then looks away. "S...so, okay.
Then, what next?"
"You choose who she shall marry instead," Cologne says simply, with
so much casual disinterest that I wince.
Okay, I suppose that answers the question above.
He shakes his head quickly, glancing to his father for support. The
bespectacled man is quietly considerate, apparently approving Ranma's
course thus far. Ranma smiles weakly, and says-
Genma approving the plan is probably a great sign that it's not going to
work out...
Great-Grandmother goes on about how Ranma and Genma will never be
cured of Jusenkyou, but I ignore her, already heading back to the
Neko-Hanten. If Great-Grandmother had been there at Jusendo, she'd
know how silly her arguments sounded. I can only think about going
back home, and focusing on a worthwhile quest. Great-Grandmother cuts
herself off from berating Ranma and scurries to catch up with me.
Goodbye, Ranma.... Goodbye, my love.
Nicely done, thus far, even though I wound up without many line-by-line
comments.
Moving on to the next, I suppose...
The following chapters borrow heavily from other fanfics, so I'm not
going to claim that they're entirely original (which they wouldn't be,
in any case), but to preserve the element of surprise, the disclaimers
for which ones will be included in the epilogue.
Hmm... interesting.
The letter is beautiful, elegantly written, and Ranchan's mother has
even drawn little bells tied together with a bow. It's an invitation
to an engagement party.
For a minute, I think my heart stops. But when I frantically read
the entire thing, I see that Akane's name isn't mentioned anywhere.
And neither is Ranchan's stupid father's school. It's just got
Ranchan's name on it ... and mine.
My heart stops again, then starts so hard that I sit down heavily.
"I was right?" I mumble. "He...." I swallow and stare, reading it
all over again.
But it's an invitation for me to go to Ranchan's engagement party.
Maybe I just did what Ranma wanted? Maybe I didn't do something
wrong, after all?
....*wince*
Soun does, though, so that's the end of that. "Now," the man says
brusquely, clapping a hand on Ranchan's shoulder, and another on
Genma's, "I think we're all here, aren't we?"
"Nabiki did ask me for one more invitation," Nodoka murmured with a frown.
"What?" Soun looks confused. "I only made reservations for seven."
....*double wince*
The wind rushes past me and I close my eyes.
I hope you're happy, Ranma. It may be my fault more than yours, but
you had a role in this, too.
Jackass.
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[Descent -- Chapter two -- END]
Ow. I stopped recording the winces, but that was... well, it definitely
earned the dark tag there.
See, halfway through his spiel, Mom interrupts him and holds up a
hand. Pops wakes up from his nap, and she says, "Excuse me, Tendo-san
... what is this all about?"
Kasumi looks sick. Old-man-Tendo looks sick. Nabiki just looks
confused, like she hasn't figured it out yet. And if she doesn't know
what's going on, I'm clueless. So I sit there on the floor and wait.
While I'm waiting, Akane peeks through the back door, but doesn't come
in. And she looks sad, and I want to look at her, but my eyes keep
going back to Mom, and anyway, Akane won't look at _me_.
...that's not good.
*snip bunches*
Well, I recognize that fanfic, at least.
It's the kind of thing you wonder about after the fact, but even when
I was going there I kept telling myself there was no point to it....
Then I hear someone I recognize cry, and I know. And that's why I'm there.
Well, that's a moderately hopeful ending, though given that the next
chapter adds a "squicky" tag and doesn't drop the "angst" or "dark",
somehow I doubt it works out that way.
Seeing how things have gone so far ... I think I could really fall
for Ucchan. I know she fell for me once before, so maybe if I'm real
good, it'll happen again. It sounds like the best plan I got ...
with, you know. Righting wrongs. Can't forget that part.
I think it could work. I give Ucchan a smile back.
Hmm. I suppose I was wrong.
Huh. I really wound up having almost no line-by-lines, so I should
probably try and say something significant down here to make up for it?
Well, first, I did like the story. It was very well written, and told
the story it set out to tell well. So... none of the below changes
that; they're just thoughts I had that might (or might not) make a good
story better.
I really liked the first chapter, but I have to agree with Angus MacSpon
that it doesn't really fit with the rest of the story. I think it's
strong enough to stand on its own; it might work better as a sidestory
than as the first chapter. As is, it's a little jarring to have one
chapter devoted to Shampoo and then the rest of the story focused on Ukyou.
Akane's characterization doesn't quite ring true to me. She's just...
too calm, I suppose. I can see her being numb with shock for a little
while perhaps, but once the revelations sink in I'd think she'd be upset
and angry, not just calmly accepting and moving on. Also, while she
obviously she has to reject Ranma for the story to work, I would think
doing so would be upsetting and hard for her. This is, after all,
someone she was just (fairly happily) getting married to; I wouldn't
think those feelings would just fade away quietly and cleanly like they
seem to here.
*shrug* Just my opinions; use or ignore them as you see fit.