Thanks for the comments.  If I've snipped something, it's not because I am
ignoring it, but because I didn't feel a need to refer to it again.
On 1/20/07, Ben Jernigan <selfemployedninja@gmail.com> wrote:

On 1/18/07, Rebecca Thornton <rmthornton@gmail.com> wrote:

It's really not super important, but most people throw a disclaimer in

at the top. Just a reminder to the lawyer types of the world that you
know what's what.

Good point.

<snip>

Would Ryoga's POV call the older Kasumi a "young lady"? Your call, but

it seems a bit formal.

Ryouga often is quite formal regarding Kasumi.  I'm not sure what else would
he call her?  Young woman - maybe.

<snip>

"Hey Ryouga, man!" the boy said, his handsome face breaking into a grin.
"Long time, no see!  Come on in."

Wow, Ranma is unusually friendly. He's frequently cordial to Ryoga,
but usually wary when he first shows up. Unless he wants something, of
course. Then it's all back slapping and buddies.

This is post vol38, and therefore Ranma and Ryouga are a lot friendlier than
they were earlier.

Ryouga followed Ranma to the dojo, the bottle tucked firmly under one
arm.  Once there, he turned to Ranma and began to talk.

Might want to clarify here. From earlier descriptions, it seemed as if
they were already in the dojo. Though you may have been referring to
the Tendo compound as the Dojo and now referring to the actual
building.

Yes, that's right.  I did refer specifically to the entryway and the living
room a couple of paragraphs above, but it perhaps still may not be clear
enough.

To be honest, I couldn't think of what to call the complex (which is often
referred to as the Tendo Dojo) as opposed to the dojo building itself.  Any
suggestions?

It was only then that Ryouga heard the fizzing sound coming from
something on the floor beside them.

Having Happosai knock the bottle out of their hands as a distraction
while he whips out a bomb seems overly complex. It would be simpler
and possibly more amusing to have him toss a bomb back over his
shoulder, beaning Taro in the noggin, and have the three boys stare
dumbly at it until it was too late.

Yes, it does seem a little contrived (and it is, because I needed to get all
three boys under the bottle when it exploded).  OTOH, Tarou's unlikely to
stand there and let himself get hit with a bomb.

***************


"That idiot had better know how to get this reversed!" Tarou muttered to
himself, angrily.  Of course, how willing the aforementioned idiot would
be to talk was another matter.  Not that that it would be a problem if
he wasn't; Tarou had no qualms in using more persuasive methods if need
be.  Even without his powerful cursed form, he still felt confident
enough to tackle the likes of pig-boy - and fem-boy too, if he

Perhaps he's just cocky in his own head, but I recall in the manga
Taro being totally outclassed by Ranma until he got his hands on cold
water. I could be wrong though.

A little of both.  I think it's clear from the manga (at least my
interpretation of it) that human-Tarou is at the very least Ranma's, and
hence Ryouga's, equal.  Does that mean he could take on both at once like he
is suggesting?  I doubt it.

A telegraph pole lay on its side, broken at about chest height.  Caused

Japan hasn't had telegraphs for quite some time. Ryoga is fond of
using telephone poles for weapons though.

Ah, transatlantic language problem, I guess.  We call the poles that hold up
power lines telegraph poles here in Australia.  I believe they do in England
as well.

But, telephone pole makes no difference to the story and may be clearer to
Americans, so I'll use that.

Examining the fuming Pantyhose Tarou more closely, Ranma could see that
the Chinese boy had a less dramatic transition to girl-hood than his
own.  Unlike Ranma's own tiny, buxom female form, girl-type Tarou had a
statuesque, lean, wiry figure which stood as nearly as tall as his male
body.  His voice was perhaps slightly higher pitched than normal but not
enough to have been noticeable.  The most striking lack of change was in
his face; other than a slight softening around his jaw line and chin, it
was identical, and yet it still looked like a perfectly feminine face.
Not that Tarou had been particularly masculine to begin with, he
reflected.

While it's obvious you like Taro, it's doubtful Ranma would use the
word statuesque, even internally, or honestly, even know what it
means.

Yeah, I agree.  :-)  It was the only word I could think of that suited the
image in my head when I was writing.  Lean and wiry might do it though.

Damn, Ranma cursed inwardly, that hadn't exactly gone as planned.  He

was supposed to be convincing Tarou that they needed to work together,
not giving the jerk an excuse to leave him behind.  He decided to try
again.  "What are you gonna do, then?"

Why does Ranma care if Taro goes it alone? Is he worried about Ryoga
and just wants extra eyes looking for him? Does he think they need to
stick together to undo the "cure"? Ranma is egotistical to a fault.
Humbling himself to get help from others isn't a habit of his.

Ah, the convince-Tarou-to-work-together scene!  I did have to rewrite this a
couple of times, and I'm still not sure it's right.

He knows Tarou can't be trusted (probably not made clear in the text)
and Tarou has his curse, and he'd rather have it than either of the others
(explained a couple of lines later in dialogue).  As you have explained
later, I haven't gone into great detail describing motivations and internal
dialogue in this chapter (something that's quite different with later ones),
so perhaps it's still not clear enough.

I'm curious.  Which bit do you see as humbling himself?  It wasn't intended
that way.

"He's very strong - stronger than me - in his normal body.  Add the
strength from that monster body...  And he's really tough.  You need to
hit him a bunch of times for him to even feel it.  But if I'm there, I
can talk to him.  He'll listen to me."

Ranma is both incredibly diplomatic here and apparently suffering
amnesia in regards to his previous interaction with Ryoga.

Ranma> We should talk about this!

Ryoga> DIE!

Ranma> I can explain! This isn't what it looks like!

Ryoga> *Jumps to the worst possible conclusion.*

Ranma is trying to convince Tarou that he's needed.  Telling the truth here
probably wouldn't help!  :-)

OTOH, would he really point out how good Ryouga is in comparison to him?
Now, I'm not so sure.

Nice work! A very smooth read, minimal spelling errors, and an
interesting story. This is a great piece for a first effort, or at
least a first effort in a while. You seem to have a bit of a Bishie
hangup on Taro, but that's okay.

LOL!!  I think he's an interesting character, does that count?  I'm curious
which particular parts give you that impression; they may need trimming /
rewriting.

I tried to describe him a little more, figuring that since he is a minor
character people might not know what he as much about him.

All in all, I enjoyed it, and I

encourage you to keep writing.

Areas I would focus on: Give us a little more insight into people's
motivations for their actions. Why is Ranma so nice? Has Kasumi been
training him?

Is he too nice?  It is set several months after vol38, although this isn't
apparent until later chapters.  This is why he's friendlier with Ryouga.
They tend to be more friendly rivals than enemies later on in the manga, and
I see no reason why that wouldn't continue afterwards, particularly since
Ryouga has given up on Akane.

Or do you mean to Tarou?

Have he and Akane actually gotten together?


No, but irrelevant to the story, and hence only discussed in passing.
They're still engaged as is made clear from dialogue in this chapter.

Has he just

grown up a bit?

Also, tell us how people feel about what is happening. You show what

happens, and say what they think and speak, but we don't have a lot to
go on for their feelings.

Agreed.  In later chapters I do go into motivations, feelings and thoughts a
lot more.  Possibly too much.

Your comments about the bathtub scene make me wonder whether that needs
another going over because Ranma's motivations are not clear enough.  Either
that or he is just acting OOC!  I find that when I have to explain anyone's
motivations to any great degree, it's because they're doing something they
probably shouldn't be!

Hope my comments are helpful.

-Exar

Yes, very.

Rebecca



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