It's time for C&C!
...
Yaaaaay C&C! I like commentary and corrections. (Or is that Chunky &
Creamy? Can never remember...)
On 1/14/07, Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com> wrote:
Yes. The last one; or at least the last one until the next one...
Mwahahah. 'Course. Shall have to give the chapter after this one a
good run-through so we don't end up breaking any rules except for the
ones which are completely intentional.
It also occurs to me that my non-godly lexicon may not be at par with yours, so
any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
Ooh! A new paragraph! :D
Yeah, I had corrections come back from others after I corrected one or
two of the grammatical/spelling corrections that I corrected from my
correct version.
...or something like that. ^_^;
But yeah, I'll try and be careful in evaluating your suggestions.
Don't wanna break something if it ain't broken.
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
There may, on the other hand, be plagues of badgers and mushrooms and snakes!
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
Ben(opens his mouth to crack a joke, but then stops): Oh, right.
Already cycled through 'em all. ^_^
And my current victim is... ;)
On 8/10/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
Hmm... I just happen to pause and blink, then three months dash on by without
me
posting another chapter in this random saga. Oops! ^^;;;
Heh. Imagine my surprise when I looked over my drafts page and saw that,
whoops, five months has already passed before I got to this chapter of this
fic. ^_^;
Whee! Happy belated C&Cing, then! XD
I named
it after the worst Tenchi series of all time so I wouldn't waste my writing
moments worrying about little things like quality and trying to meet others'
expectations. ^_^
Gee, I dunno... I actually liked Tenchi in Tokyo. But then again, I actually
liked Sakuya (Sue), so that explains that: she's the dividing line separating
the haters and lovers of the apocryphal anime series, apparently.
So it would seem. Maybe it just had a different target demographic.
On the other hand, I really only watched a couple episodes. Was kind
of turned off of it on the first episode when Tenchi came in with big
baggy pants and said he was going away, and basically "Forget you!" to
the rest of the cast.
It wasn't the mischaracterization that was so much the problem, but
the gangsta' pants were. I'm strange that way.
It was when I remembered that when I decided, "Ahah, YES! NOW I know
what to name my next series after."
Previous chapters of this story can be found at:
http://boliver.florestica.com/tint/index.htm
Fans of what I now call NETTG Classic (that one with novel-length chapters)
might like my webcomic, now getting rather infrequent updates due to various
art and script concerns: http://nettg.com
(slams fist on palm) Aaaaaaahhhh. So it had novel-length chapters. No wonder it
began using parts A-Z per chapter.
Each of those chapters is one single huge file. I write them in plain
text using MS Wordpad. (checks directory)
So, using plain text:
Ch.9: 545 kb
Ch.10: 248 kb
Ch.10-2: 832 kb
Ch.11: 125 kb (incomplete)
I posted chapter 10-2 in well over 40 parts, IIRC. ^^
The last two chapters of Terra in Tokyo were "The Plot Thickens," and "Then
it
Jibbers a Bit."
And now....
Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo
---Chapter 11: Then it Falls Over, Screaming.
Ah, okay. Thanks for the heads up. I kinda forgot the general scheme of the
title.
And then they all died...
But it was just a dream.
But the dream was real!
The plot thickens,
Then it jibbers a bit,
Then it falls over, screaming.
Tuxedo Kamen scowled. "You're after the Rainbow Crystals, aren't
you?"
(blinks) And since when did they refer to the Ginzuishou fragments as Rainbow
Crystals?
Tuxedo Kamen: I blame the nonexistent Saban dub.
Rainbow ArbyFish(shrugs)
Well, here, they'd have to be something like Fragments of the Silver
Ginzuishou Crystal of the Imperium. Or Magical Ginzuishou Crystal.
The name's all messed up, so I figured Rainbow Crystals would work.
I'd have to add a reference last chapter when the search began, in the
Negamafoozleverse, and later in the shrine.
Or, I could change the Rainbow Crystal reference here. Ah, decisions,
decisions. ^^
I checked the past chapter, and everyone refers to them as "fragments," so...
Tuxedo Kamen scowled. "You're after the Rainbow Crystals, the
fragments of the Silver Ginzuishou Crystal, aren't you?"
Glad you caught that. A lot of people missed that little gaffe.
"I present the newly revived Great Youma," said Nephrite proudly.
"Say hello,
Bina."
Suggest: newly-revived (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
All right. Hypen added.
The angelic youma nodded pleasantly, and held out her hand. Dozens of
feathers--quill pens--appeared and began to sketch in the air. Drawings of
knives became real projectiles speeding towards both Luna and Tuxedo Kamen.
Gee, isn't her attacks a bit belabored?
Fic: MUHAHAHA! All attacks in Sailor Moon are belabored!
Er, yeah. Good point. And it's slightly more original than the expected
'feather blast' attack to boot...
Here's when I copied directly from the anime. The resulting youma had
feathers that flew around and drew things.
"Tell it to someone who cares," muttered Tuxedo Kamen as he snatched
the green
Wow, that was rather dark for Tux-boy to say. Mamoru Chiba, OTOH...
A man on a mission, this one. IIRC, he was always after at least one
of the crystals so he could finally link up his Mamoru and Tuxedo
Kamen personas, since before that, he just kind of woke up not quite
knowing where he had been. He thought it was the key to finding his
princess, which it was.
Roaring, Leo leapt high into the air with claws slashing down towards
Tuxedo
Kamen.
Of course Tux-boy won't get the 'Rainbow' Crystal. As per usual of the Sailor
Moon Series' Modus Operandi, the Negamwhatsitdoodles are given _incredible_
leeway at gathering their forces so that the end battle will be all the more
climactic. It's not a logical mode of operation for the heroes to allow this to
happen (nor do I think it's intentional on the heroes' part) but under the
circumstances, that's what usually happens and that's what the senshi have to
deal with for the sake of having more dramatic tension to the end fight,
methinks. Their God(dess) can be a biatch sometimes.
Takeuchi: (kicks my shin)
^_^
Yup, gotta build up and escalate. In some series, the big bad guy
would be prevented from actually being awakened at all, but in a lot
of anime, it's all about the gigantic climactic battle AFTER the big
baddie's back up. Gotta actually let things climax, and win anyway.
Reika froze. "Who are you? How do you know my name? Did Doctor
Germahn send
you? I warn you--I know chemistry, entomology, and anthropology. Why are
you
If you really want to scare them, then you should learn taxidermy. Creeps
people out every time.
Good idea! ^_^
Reika froze. "Who are you? How do you know my name? Did Doctor
Germahn send you? I warn you--I know chemistry, entomology,
anthropology, and taxidermy. Why are you working for him, anyway?
Shrink Soda, Femme Cola, and Furry Juice? He's mad, I say. Mad!"
"What?!" S.L.K. turned around to see Zoicite with a black gem pointed
at the
priest, who cowered on the ground. A pillar of red and black engulfed the
minister, and he turned into a taller light-greenish-skinned version of
Suggest: taller, light-greenish
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Hmm... I counter with...
"What?!" S.L.K. turned around to see Zoicite with a black gem
pointed at the priest, who cowered on the ground. A pillar of red and
black engulfed the minister, and he turned into a taller version of
himself with light-greenish skin, wearing athletic shorts and boxing
gloves. "Hey!"
"Yeah, take that, you boxing-gloves-wearing green-skinned freak!"
(shrugs) Suggest: boxing-gloves-wearing, green-skinned
I'd feel better with another descriptive term in there as well.
"Yeah, take that, you boxing-gloves-wearing, green-skinned,
athletic-shorts freak!" S.L.K. shouted after the youma, taking aim
again with his gun.
"Cheater," S.L.K. spat, and took out a .44 Magnum as well as a clip
with mystic
Suggest: Magnum, as well as a clip
Or: Magnum, and a clip (flows better, methinks)
Yes, but it'd also need some smoothing over as well.
"Cheater," S.L.K. spat, and took out a .44 Magnum and a clip with
mystic symbols drawn on it. Locking and loading, he muttered, "Guess
we'll have to do this the old-fashioned way."
"Well, maybe only ninety percent pure energy." S.L.K. turned his face
upward
What's the ten percent?
S.L.K.: (shrugs) Chuck Norris.
Hmm. Including-du.
"Pure energy?"
"Well, maybe only ninety percent pure energy."
"So what's the other ten percent?"
"Chuck Norris!" S.L.K. punched his fist through a wall for no
readily apparent reason, yanked it back out, then turned his face
upward in thought. "Hey, if you want to get WAY specific, I'm really
the psychic projection of a reincarnated destroyer of worlds that had
to turn itself into royalty to survive. Now how messed up is that?"
in thought. "Hey, if you want to get WAY specific, I'm really the psychic
projection of a reincarnated destroyer of worlds that had to turn itself into
royalty to survive. Now how messed up is that?"
I can't believe he was actually able to summarize all that in one sentence.
Summarize X-Man's (Nate Summers) origin story next! That one I'd _pay_ to read!
:P
S.L.K.(raised eyebrow): What do you want to know about Cable's twin
alternate universe brother for?
"Oh, that's easy," S.L.K. said offhandedly. "My real name is... the
Hydrogen-Fueled Fusion-Powered Razzle-Dazzle Jazzle-Matazzle Atomic Star
Light
Knight!"
Ah. So he is Atomic, but he clipped his name in this incarnation. Tsk. It's
like Booker T adding the 'King' and getting rid of 'T'... It's just not the
same.
S.L.K.: Yeah, well boo-hoo-hoo and cry me a river.
^^
Just wanted to make sure there was a sharp difference between ASK and
SLK. SLK is somewhat more limited in terms of powers and such.
At the girl's confusion, he amended, "But there are some who might
call me...
'Tom, for short?"
He's actually the guy from Myspace?
^^ Or something to that effect.
'Tom, A'Tom'ic Star Light Knight.
"Ha-hah," said Kunzite cleanly,
He Nelson Muntzed them.
p0\/\/|\|z0r3d!
Luna nodded her agreement. Looking out the window at the stars, she
added,
"Right now, they're our last hope."
---
At the local mall, Sailors Jupiter and Chibimoon were trying on shoes.
(falls face-first on the pavement) *thump* Sounds about right.
Trust Terra to take important things entirely too lightly in an emergency. ^^
"Hoo-yeah, I have! You're the best! I'm one of your biggest fans!
I'm Timmy.
Can I have your autograph?" The boy held up a white-paged book.
Japan sure has improved its foreign relations. More tourists. Either that, or
it's now all the rage to call oneself western names.
The last one here, apparently. Japanese fanboys who crave Chuck
Norris and Donald Duck!
Terra signed "Sailor Chibimoon" in neat calligraphy.
"Thanks!" Timmy said.
"Your name is YOSHI, 'niichan," whispered the older boy impatiently.
If the guy who whispered 'niichan' is older, then why is he calling the other
boy 'niichan' (older brother)?
Oniichan/oniisama doesn't necessarily denote older or younger, IIRC.
It's more about respect and formality. So, they could easily refer to
each other as -chan in this respect, if they're on normal terms with
each other. If they were separated at birth and only now discovered
that they were brothers, and they're still not quite comfortable with
each other, I suspect an "oniisan" term might work. If one brother
were totally in awe of the other, perhaps an "Oniisama" might work,
but only one to another unless they were both in awe of each other,
which would be quite an unusual thing.
Such as in the case of Bleach's Rukia referring to Byakuya as
"oniisama." I think it kind of means, "Brother whom I am completely
in awe of--please don't kill me!!"
The same idea would likely apply to the sister term, "oneechan," etc.
But don't quote me on this. I've never even taken a Japanese class in
my life. For all I know I'm probably talking nonsense and they're
constantly calling each other red pencil boxes and such. ^_^
"Who's this?" Terra asked, pointing toward the older one of the two.
"A
friend?"
"Nah, that's just my brother, Steve."
"My name is Yamato," corrected Steve. "Excuse Yoshi. He's a little
obsessed
with American culture."
Heh. I see. Seeing the otaku 'infestation' in the west, it's a great
'counterculture' gag.
Pretty much, yeah. ^^
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," interrupted Timmy with frantic hand gestures.
"You mean to
say that while all your friends are risking their lives in defense of the
planet, you're here moping around and shopping for clothes?"
"Well, yeah," said Terra weakly.
Timmy looked at his brother. "You were right. She DOES suck."
Hehehe.
So much for Terra's ego. Again. ^^
But it was too late. The girl had already run off, sobbing like a
particularly
loud baby. "WA-HAAAAAAH!"
Oh great. Another one pulls a Shinobu Maehara.
A mess of broken fragile emotions, that one.
Sailor Kawaii(composes herself): On the other hand, whatever gun you use,
you
should always try to find a nice, cute outfit to wear, so you can confuse
your
enemies until it's too late for them to react.
(Bruce eyes the girls from the shadows)
Grammar Rules blah blah blah...
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
Two rules allegedly broken. Nice batting average.
*OBJECTION!!*
http://objection.mrdictionary.net/go.php?n=1660300
Phoenix Wright slams his hands on the bench...
As for the story itself: Ah, conflict. What will stories do without you? That
is, what'll happen to a story that doesn't have any conflict at all? (reads a
random and typical self-glorification SI fic) Oh yeah. That.
Yup. Gotta have conflict, no matter how minor. It's like Agent Smith
says, humans define their reality by pain and suffering. If there's
not enough of it, then believability is seriously strained.
...but by the same token, put too much in and you've got a darkfic. ^^
Not that many gags in this chapter compared to past chapters, but certainly a
fair amount of plot development and advancement has been made, so no complaints
from me here.
Yeah, we've sped the plot along. Cut down 6-8 anime episodes down to
one or two chapters, which isn't bad for plot compression. There's no
need to waste time on background that's perfectly well established in
someone else's work. Time to gloss over whatever may be similar to
this and the anime or manga and get to how it's different from the
original.
Otherwise people might as well watch the original.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=eKsmJBvvrok
Ahh, the sub. I like the North American English dub 'cause it's SOOO
easy to parody. ^_^
http://youtube.com/watch?v=YMAKfZuBxh0
I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for the payoff
of all this setup.
Yup, the arc'll hit a climax pretty soon. Next couple chapters.
I liked the conflict, and I understand why the
Negamversatitties got the (just-named-as-of-this-chapter, AFAIK) Rainbow
Crystals. More tension and stuff.
Hero(ine)s have to win in the long term unless we wanna go totally
dark, but in the short term they can get messed up a bit with no ill
effects. It's the conflict that helps to not strain credibility any
thinner than it already is.
Well, seeing your track record, I'm
thankfully glad that I honestly have no idea how you're going to go about
developing the rest of the current arc, which is good. I hate predictability in
stories like this, and it's a good thing your story isn't predictable.
Glad you've liked it! And yes, it has to be at least somewhat
unpredictable, otherwise why read it?
Oh, sure, there are romance novels out there that are totally
predictable--the literary equivalent of staring at the wall--but
there's a huge market for 'em. In a fanfic, people come to have
something to read. They want something to squeeze their eyeballs and
twist their spinal columns out of place and such. Mmm, hurts so good!
I mean, at least a path to explore. In this case, the story's done
and all that's left are edits (however major they may have to be in
the later chapters). So, there's still surprise bits out there I can
pretty much guarantee you won't see coming. That is, unless you're
very, very psychic, which is not beyond the realm of possibility.
As a
side-note, thanks for getting S.L.K.'s (IMO) obnoxiousness down to tolerable
levels, such that he's actually halfway enjoyable now.
^^; He's as dumbed-down and limited as I can make him given the
context. So, he's a regular punk character along with the rest of 'em
all. Guess that means he fits in, at last. :P
Anyway, I have nothing else to comment on this chapter, truth be told.
It's a filler chapter, compressing the known plot bits into as small a
portion as humanly possible, rather than spending a full chapter on
each Great Youma capture. Their story's already been well-told in the
original, and there's bits I wanted to get at in the story before I
reached my chapter goal.
I suppose that the general blandness could be fixed up somehow, but
I'm at a loss as to how to do it in this context.
Don't
get me wrong, it's as good as any other chapter you've churned out, and it did
what it's supposed to do in setting things up for future chapters... I simply
have no more words to convey about it, is all. Ah, sweet, sweet conflict. As
such, you know the spiel... Keep on writing, can't wait for more terrific
'Terra'-fic.
^_^ Thanks.
Sailor Kawaii: 'Terra'-fic! Tee-hee! I get it! So cute!
*Da-dum-thwissh!* ^_^
Yeah, I've had Esa and Chesu tinker with a Sailor Kawaii drawing and
sprite. There were some sketches done and I think the sprite turned
out fine. Ah, here it is...
http://nettg.com/spritecomic/index.php?page=146
Some of the frames toward the middle.
Anyway, thanks again for this review! Larry's sent me the edits for
chapter 12, so I should be able to get that out and fixed up within
the next couple of days, depending on work schedule and such.