My first public C&C for the year 2007, and it's... Terra in Tokyo! Big
surprise! :P Happy New Year! Only two more chapters to go before I'm late with
a new batch of C&C. ^.^

Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't. Oh, and before you make a
joke about that, let me do it for you...

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (Rant Mode): I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like
a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If
Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain.
Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.

And my current victim is... ;)

On 5/3/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:

Got some feedback on the various chapters in the story.  (Thanks to Josh

Temple

and Larry F, principally...)

And here's a pathetically late feedback to add to those.
 

But... let's see, what's happened previously?

---In the Dark Kingdom, said to Queen Beryl....

       Bruce the White ArbyFish chuckled once again.  "I took care of your

little

'Sailor V' problem, didn't I?"  A broken crescent-shaped compact fell into

the

light, as well as a few shattered scraps of what had been a crystalline

sword.

"She and her ditzy friend are gone forever."

Ditzy friend? I must have missed something... (checks Wikipedia for "Codename
Wa Sailor V") So is he talking about Kaitou Ace, Artemis, or 'the Boss'? ?_?

Grimacing in pain, he flopped to the floor and cried out in rage, "Such...
power!"

Piccolo: (grumbles)

as she choked and fell to her knees, clutching her ruined throat, "I work for
you because you... fascinate me, and have gotten me closer to finding my

prey.

Now, take my humble little advice, or I'll take your humble little head. 

Don't

cross me.  Are we quite clear on this matter?"

(getting flashbacks of 'Insertion') Yep, this sounds about right. It's
reminiscent of the usual "overpowered 'badass' character is under the control
of an enemy faction because he allows them to do so" shtick. Either that, or
Skeletor's allegiance to the Mutants in the "New Adventures of He-Man."

(blinks, looks at the "getting flashbacks of 'Insertion'" aside) Ewwww... 

       Nephrite nodded, snapped his jaw back into place, and said, "Yes, my

Queen.  I

can locate--"

Double ew. He's now the Quasimodo of the group.

       "I'm not sure," continued Beryl as she did a lot of hand-waving, "but

I think

he may have been one of the new librarians.  They do things like that.  In

any

case, it will take time to track down our Great Youma.  We have much to

prepare

in the days that come."

...And so the 'Shikon no Tama' type quest has been setup. Collect them all, get
a prize in the end. Or collect them all, and NEVER SEE THE SERIES END!

Pikachu and Inuyasha: (whistles innocently)

Off to the side, there was a huge seated space flight simulator with

hydraulics

and large speakers on it.  "GUNDAM SEED: DUEL TO THE DEATH," the label

I see the continuity has shifted several years in the future.

       A man wearing a metal mask appeared on screen.  "I SURRENDER ALREADY!
STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP--"

<<snip>>

       The girl climbed out of the wobbling machinery.  Steam rose off the

gleaming

steel hydraulic rods and Motoki had to stamp out a fire on one of the game's
edges.

Heh. For great justice.

       "Oh.  Well, um, yeah."  Terra shrugged, decided not to think about it,

and

headed to a cutesy puzzle game with bunnies on it.  She inserted a coin and
grabbed the joystick, only to be informed fifteen seconds later that it was
Game Over and she'd only gotten two points.  She stared at the screen and
declared a moment later, "Hey!"

Heh. Figures. Once you go explodey, you can never come backey.

S.L.K.: what

       "A'course!  Billions and gazillions of 'em.  

Oh dear Lord God...

There'd have been more, except for

the Great Civil War that fell upon us all."

...There is a God!

       The girl squinted at the photograph.  "And they're playing poker!"

       Arby shook his head and said, "No, no, no, look.  They's playin'

parcheesi."

Ah yes. The type of game girls and boys love to play, so says Bullwinkle Moose.
 

       Arby moved as though he was going to head off, but Terra continued by

asking,

"Please don't leave before you answer this.  He totally whooped us, and he

was

screaming about how weak he was compared to you.  How powerful are you

really,

and what does this mark do?"

I'm thinking that in this fanfic universe, Arby's power is about Death Con Five
level. But as far as craziness goes, I'd say he's about Onsokumaru level, minus
the karmic retribution to his actions.

       At least, she considered, she wasn't naked this time he ran off.  She

started

to straighten her blouse, but discovered it was missing.  She looked down and
confirmed it.

       "GAH!"  She jumped in shock, then raised her fist into the air and

shouted,

"AAARRRBYYY!!!"

LOL. There are authors who make characters that seems (or rather, the prose
claims are) incredibly unpredictable to everyone around him but the reader. An
ArbyFish? Genuinely unpredictable, even to the reader.

       His name was Crane Jou, and he was to be the first victim in the new

plot of

Beings From Another Dimension.

Heh. Oh yeah... Revise: Beings From Another Dimension --> Beings from Another
Dimension

Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer. 

       "Oh yeah, hah hah," replied Usagi with a big smile hand behind her

head.  "I

A 'big smile hand'? 

Suggest: with a big smile and a hand behind her head.

       "Uh, you didn't?"

       "That's right, you didn't.  And you've been sitting there, reading it

and

Hmmm. 

Suggest: "That's right, I didn't.

       Ami blocked the raven-haired girl with her hand.  "No, Rei," she said

in a firm

voice.  "Let me."

       Usagi's eyes welled up with tears.  "Awww, you don't really mean that,

do you,

Ami-chan?"

Heh. Though I kind of miss the shyer, more Shinobu-like Ami in comparison to
your portrayal of the deadpanning Ami. Then again, it's a matter of preference,
so we can let the matter drop if you'd like.

       Ami stood up.  "U-urawa-san?!"

Suggest: "U-Urawa-san?!" (It doesn't make much sense to me why you'd small-cap
a name... even if it's after a stutter; strictly IMO)

       Luna leapt in front of them, her fur standing on end.  "Listen up,

everyone!

We've got a very bad situation on our hands.  Somehow the Dark Kingdom has
discovered how to find their former greatest warriors.  Once sealed away by

the

power of the Moon Kingdom Queen, 

Terra: (a victim of that very power) HA-CHOO!

       "What are you doing right now?"

       "Oh, nothing I haven't done before in one form or another."

Heh. I'm sorry for what's happening to you, kid, but it comes with the
territory. It wouldn't be proper if you were just another Mary Sue streaming
through life with her uber-charm and cheap powers like she was in cheat mode or
something.

Kasumi: (soothingly) He's right, you know. If you're going to be the main
character of a story, you have to work for it. There _are_ certain
responsibilities you must face. One of them is becoming the author's, um, well,
for lack of a better term, bitch.

       "TERRA!" yelled Makoto, who had grabbed the phone on the other end. 

"GET YOUR

LAZY SCRAWNY SCAREDY REAR-END OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND

Suggest: LAZY, SCRAWNY, SCAREDY REAR END

BEAT YOU TO A BLOODY PULP!"

       "But I thought we were friends!" complained Terra.

Heh.
 

       Time froze for Sailor Chibimoon.  

And this time it wasn't her doing.

In an instant of panic, she'd somehow managed
to regain a hold on her temporal compression abilities. 

Whoops, spoke too soon.

sustain the compression any longer than that, and it left her arms and neck
feeling very sore.  Small tears through the first layer of fabric in her

Nitpick, suggest: tears --> rips ('tears' connote too much to the watery, salty
variety than the shredded, torn variety... Sounds better in spoken dialogue
than in written prose, really)

       "Well," said Tuxedo Kamen thoughtfully, "we'll see how I feel when we

get to

the shrine.  But we've got a couple of minutes before we get there.  Tell me
about yourself."

       Terra began elaborating on the subject.  "Well, you see...."

(tilts head) Huh.

       "Did they ever find out what happened to her and her friend?  Sailor

S, was

it?"

Sailor S, huh? Saturn? Or how about Sailor Sputnik? 

Sailor S: I am Sailor Sputnik! In the name of Mother Russia, I vill right
wrongs and triumph over the evil American pig-dog capitalists!

Fascinating insight here with the mourning girl, though it's too bad we readers
will never see a Sailor S.

still be saved from such tragedy.  She had to find them and lend them her
strength.  There were artifacts to be obtained, a sword to reforge... 

Suggest: re-forge (non-d-v-w, please hyphenate accordingly)

       And she would also do it in memory of Lynn and Minako.

I do not know this Lynn character. I feel shame. I wonder who the mourner is,
though.
 

---End of Chapter 9

And now it's time for... MIND YOUR MANNERS!!! with Sailor Nuke.

(Scene of Bruce looking back and forth, rubbing his flippers together in a

very

malevolent and plotting kind of way.)

He's like Scarface of Batman fame; a diminutive but malevolent creature indeed.
Couple that with the fact that he's an AbryFish, and he's easily the most
dangerous character around, next to an evilized Terra merged with S.L.K., AKA
"Undefeatable" or "Hero Suicide" or "Doomsday XP Plus, Champion Edition" or
"Hitler Version II".

Sailor Kawaii:  No, you use love, naiivete, and your dazzling good looks to

naiivete --> naivete (as correct as you can get in ASCII, 'coz the
dictionary-correct spelling is 'naivet�/na�vet�', with accent marks; pardon the
funky formatting)

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

(Darth Vader chops off Luke Skywalker's hand.)

Sailor Nuke:  Then explain Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.

Sailor Kawaii(furrows her brow angrily):  The exception that proves the rule!

(raises an eyebrow) The exception that proves the rule? First time I've ever
heard of that.

Hmmm. (mind goes to the gutter) 'Sailor Vader'... it has a nice ring to it. And
it's a character that I'd _expect_ to be in a NETTG fic to boot. ^-^
 

Sailor Nuke(shrugs):  Eh, whatever.  The point is, don't go in for sneaky
villains.  Just come in and blow 'em up as fast as you can.  Sailor Nuke sez.
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!

Sailor Kawaii:  Be cute and have a fun life.  Sailor Kawaii says.  Tee-hee!

...Okay then. On to the Broken Grammar Rules!

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer. 

Also, some things that weren't covered by the grammar rules: A name is still a
name, complete with capped first letter, even when one stutters when he says
it. Also, some of your sentences don't make much sense... and Arbyfish wasn't
the one who was saying them at the time either. As such, next time you
spell-check and proofread, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out loud. This is
the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and
flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very
weird to read it. 

Bu-t... maybe you don't need to do so much to fix your fic, since you've so far
been doing well on its technical aspects. Most your misspellings are
intentional, and done for humorous effect. The rest of the errors, I'm sure
your dedicated team of editors can catch. The rest of it, well, that's what the
FFML is for. So... yeah. Keep doing what you've been doing and just add a bit
more spit and polish to make this fic shine.

Two grammar rules broken, a few extras, and friendly (though unsolicited)
advice. Hmmm. Well, your worst record is five, and for most authors that's
their best record. Keep up the good work on proofreading and having this
pre-read by your loyal editors, Larry F and Josh Temple. 

As for the content itself: it's undoubtedly good. Again, this chapter, like all
previous chapters, was worth quite a few chuckles. Humor, plot, referential
gags, tart remarks, and good old storytelling are this fic's strong points, no
doubt. So far in my C&Cs, I have yet to heavily criticize the content of your
fic. You introduced plot elements and Chekov's guns that will undoubtedly go
off and unravel in the next few chapters, and this one chapter was able to
accomplish what it was set out to do: move the plot with a new 'collect 'em
all' plot point, introduce a few more characters into the fray, and be
entertaining. The latter, most of all, is the most important. Keep on writing.


Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."

"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com 

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'