Yay C&C!
I like the occasional reminder that I'm still loved! Somewhere! *sniffle!* ^_^
On 1/7/07, Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com> wrote:
My first public C&C for the year 2007, and it's... Terra in Tokyo! Big
surprise! :P Happy New Year! Only two more chapters to go before I'm late with
a new batch of C&C. ^.^
Whee! Then I'll have to bug Larry to proofread more, or I'll have
to... *gasp!* do it myself! What a concept...
<snip!>
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't. Oh, and before you make a
joke about that, let me do it for you...
Oh, good. I'd just run out of scriptural references from various
religions for that subject. I was afraid I'd have to go to some more
obscure African ones or something. ^_^
The Flying Spaghetti Monster (Rant Mode): I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like
a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If
Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain.
Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
But it was actually written down and recorded as:
...and thus saith the Flying Spaghetti Monster, describeth me not as a
badger-sniper. And the Spaghetti Monster did grin, and poureth out
upon thee the marinara, and meatballs, and Parmesan cheese, that thou
mayest know that thine sauce was weak...
And my current victim is... ;)
Me! Why, another 18 times or so, and I'll be practically vanquished! ;)
On 5/3/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
Got some feedback on the various chapters in the story. (Thanks to Josh
Temple
and Larry F, principally...)
And here's a pathetically late feedback to add to those.
"The Titanic just arrived!"
"Better late than never."
-Ghostbusters 2
Better late than none at all. Otherwise I'd just go ahead and post
the chapters as is and wash my hands of the story and go flying off
into the sunset atop a shining white unicorn pegasus. Wouldn't be
proper otherwise!
But... let's see, what's happened previously?
---In the Dark Kingdom, said to Queen Beryl....
Bruce the White ArbyFish chuckled once again. "I took care of your
little
'Sailor V' problem, didn't I?" A broken crescent-shaped compact fell into
the
light, as well as a few shattered scraps of what had been a crystalline
sword.
"She and her ditzy friend are gone forever."
Ditzy friend? I must have missed something... (checks Wikipedia for "Codename
Wa Sailor V") So is he talking about Kaitou Ace, Artemis, or 'the Boss'? ?_?
I'm being shameless and referencing myself.
http://boliver.florestica.com/cpss/index.html
Grimacing in pain, he flopped to the floor and cried out in rage, "Such...
power!"
Piccolo: (grumbles)
XD Yup. DBZ is certainly the place for that.
Person 1 powers up...
Person 2 gasps, gets beaten up.
Person 2 powers up.
Person 1 gasts, gets beaten up...
Ad infinitum.
as she choked and fell to her knees, clutching her ruined throat, "I work for
you because you... fascinate me, and have gotten me closer to finding my
prey.
Now, take my humble little advice, or I'll take your humble little head.
Don't
cross me. Are we quite clear on this matter?"
(getting flashbacks of 'Insertion')
Carrot learned from the best! ;)
Yep, this sounds about right. It's
reminiscent of the usual "overpowered 'badass' character is under the control
of an enemy faction because he allows them to do so" shtick.
It's a commonly-used theme. But again, it's not the cliche that's
inherently bad. It's how it's handled that determines whether it
works or not. The question remains as to whether I've done it in an
acceptable way or not. ^^
Either that, or
Skeletor's allegiance to the Mutants in the "New Adventures of He-Man."
(blinks, looks at the "getting flashbacks of 'Insertion'" aside) Ewwww...
He learned from the best. ;)
Nephrite nodded, snapped his jaw back into place, and said, "Yes, my
Queen. I
can locate--"
Double ew. He's now the Quasimodo of the group.
Perhaps. ^^
"I'm not sure," continued Beryl as she did a lot of hand-waving, "but
I think
he may have been one of the new librarians. They do things like that. In
any
case, it will take time to track down our Great Youma. We have much to
prepare
in the days that come."
...And so the 'Shikon no Tama' type quest has been setup. Collect them all, get
a prize in the end. Or collect them all, and NEVER SEE THE SERIES END!
^_^
I'm taking FOREVER to actually set this up in the next NETTG Classic
chapter. I figured I should just dive right in for TinT.
Pikachu and Inuyasha: (whistles innocently)
Gotta milk a franchise for as long as it'll go. Kids'll be growing up
before long, y'know!
Off to the side, there was a huge seated space flight simulator with
hydraulics
and large speakers on it. "GUNDAM SEED: DUEL TO THE DEATH," the label
I see the continuity has shifted several years in the future.
Yeah, I didn't bother trying to set it up in the early 1990s. Perhaps
I could have set it in the 1960s, but that wouldn't be as fun in
Japan, probably.
The girl climbed out of the wobbling machinery. Steam rose off the
gleaming
steel hydraulic rods and Motoki had to stamp out a fire on one of the game's
edges.
Heh. For great justice.
Move Zig! ^_^
On the other hand, one wonders how Terra might have fared as a Gundam
Seed character. She's got some of the angst down, but... she'd need a
much bigger chip on her shoulder to land a main character slot for
that series.
"Oh. Well, um, yeah." Terra shrugged, decided not to think about it,
and
headed to a cutesy puzzle game with bunnies on it. She inserted a coin and
grabbed the joystick, only to be informed fifteen seconds later that it was
Game Over and she'd only gotten two points. She stared at the screen and
declared a moment later, "Hey!"
Heh. Figures. Once you go explodey, you can never come backey.
It has to do with who she really is and what sometimes directs her actions.
S.L.K.: what
^^
"A'course! Billions and gazillions of 'em.
Oh dear Lord God...
LOTS of ArbyFish, throughout the universe. Or is he lying...?
Nah, they're out there, spreading bad accents abroad for the masses to wince at.
There'd have been more, except for
the Great Civil War that fell upon us all."
...There is a God!
Unfortunately, they only managed to take out *one* of the thirteen
major factions. And even then, there's a couple of stragglers they
can't seem to get rid of.
The girl squinted at the photograph. "And they're playing poker!"
Arby shook his head and said, "No, no, no, look. They's playin'
parcheesi."
Ah yes. The type of game girls and boys love to play, so says Bullwinkle Moose.
^^
Arby moved as though he was going to head off, but Terra continued by
asking,
"Please don't leave before you answer this. He totally whooped us, and he
was
screaming about how weak he was compared to you. How powerful are you
really,
and what does this mark do?"
I'm thinking that in this fanfic universe, Arby's power is about Death Con Five
level. But as far as craziness goes, I'd say he's about Onsokumaru level, minus
the karmic retribution to his actions.
Arby is... probably the most dangerous creature in the universe. If
only his powers could be used for good, instead of mushrooms....
At least, she considered, she wasn't naked this time he ran off. She
started
to straighten her blouse, but discovered it was missing. She looked down and
confirmed it.
"GAH!" She jumped in shock, then raised her fist into the air and
shouted,
"AAARRRBYYY!!!"
LOL. There are authors who make characters that seems (or rather, the prose
claims are) incredibly unpredictable to everyone around him but the reader. An
ArbyFish? Genuinely unpredictable, even to the reader.
*nod* What's the point in being predictable if the reader just yawns
and guesses the next move? No, to respect your readers, you must
genuinely surprise them or at least make the good old college try. If
there's a surprise that's expected, at least make it fit within
established lore and plotlines.
But, in TinT... I'm not sure there's a whole lot of precident for some
events, so I'm sure there'll be a surprise or two left for ya.
His name was Crane Jou, and he was to be the first victim in the new
plot of
Beings From Another Dimension.
Heh. Oh yeah... Revise: Beings From Another Dimension --> Beings from Another
Dimension
Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer.
All Right. ^_^
On the other hand, it could be just a string of Proper Names.
"Oh yeah, hah hah," replied Usagi with a big smile hand behind her
head. "I
A 'big smile hand'?
It seems I missed a few key words during the last edit. ^_^;
Suggest: with a big smile and a hand behind her head.
Yup, fixed it to read like that.
"Uh, you didn't?"
"That's right, you didn't. And you've been sitting there, reading it
and
Hmmm.
Suggest: "That's right, I didn't.
Another one of those proofreading issues. ^^;
Fixed.
Ami blocked the raven-haired girl with her hand. "No, Rei," she said
in a firm
voice. "Let me."
Usagi's eyes welled up with tears. "Awww, you don't really mean that,
do you,
Ami-chan?"
Heh. Though I kind of miss the shyer, more Shinobu-like Ami in comparison to
your portrayal of the deadpanning Ami. Then again, it's a matter of preference,
so we can let the matter drop if you'd like.
They have some key out-of-characterness here and there. Like Tenchi
in Tokyo, the characters aren't quite acting like they should...
though I do manage to do one right, by sheer force of improbability.
I think I did it to just push onwards. Cutting every corner, as it were. ^^
Ami stood up. "U-urawa-san?!"
Suggest: "U-Urawa-san?!" (It doesn't make much sense to me why you'd small-cap
a name... even if it's after a stutter; strictly IMO)
All right. Fixed.
Luna leapt in front of them, her fur standing on end. "Listen up,
everyone!
We've got a very bad situation on our hands. Somehow the Dark Kingdom has
discovered how to find their former greatest warriors. Once sealed away by
the
power of the Moon Kingdom Queen,
Terra: (a victim of that very power) HA-CHOO!
^_^ Yup, that power's probably the most important thing in the SM
storyline. Then again, maybe the writers just consolidated the power
into the title character to make scripts easier and to make toys more
marketable. Ah well.
"What are you doing right now?"
"Oh, nothing I haven't done before in one form or another."
Heh. I'm sorry for what's happening to you, kid, but it comes with the
territory. It wouldn't be proper if you were just another Mary Sue streaming
through life with her uber-charm and cheap powers like she was in cheat mode or
something.
Mmm. Cheat mode. Food for thought in Heart of Sugar. ^^
Kasumi: (soothingly) He's right, you know. If you're going to be the main
character of a story, you have to work for it. There _are_ certain
responsibilities you must face. One of them is becoming the author's, um, well,
for lack of a better term, bitch.
What a mom, eh? ^_^
"TERRA!" yelled Makoto, who had grabbed the phone on the other end.
"GET YOUR
LAZY SCRAWNY SCAREDY REAR-END OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND
Suggest: LAZY, SCRAWNY, SCAREDY REAR END
Ahh, commas. Yes, the sentence looks better with commas in it.
BEAT YOU TO A BLOODY PULP!"
"But I thought we were friends!" complained Terra.
Heh.
It helps that she's not universally loved by the other characters.
They won't watch their tongues around her 'cause she's a really rude
foreigner. ^_^
On the other hand, "real" Japanese might find such activity funny.
"Ohohoho! Silly gaijin. Thinks she can speak Japanese..."
But it is kind of a stretch because her accent's perfect. She doesn't
sound foreign, but she doesn't have all the rules down. Thus, she's
insulting and must get stabbed with pointy umbrellas to pay for it!
Time froze for Sailor Chibimoon.
And this time it wasn't her doing.
Well, actually...
In an instant of panic, she'd somehow managed
to regain a hold on her temporal compression abilities.
Whoops, spoke too soon.
Indeed. ^_^
sustain the compression any longer than that, and it left her arms and neck
feeling very sore. Small tears through the first layer of fabric in her
Nitpick, suggest: tears --> rips ('tears' connote too much to the watery, salty
variety than the shredded, torn variety... Sounds better in spoken dialogue
than in written prose, really)
Tears does sound perfectly fine in spoken prose, but yes, in written
form, "rips" do help to differentiate between them. It's a Nuance
thing.
So, I'll go with rips.
"Well," said Tuxedo Kamen thoughtfully, "we'll see how I feel when we
get to
the shrine. But we've got a couple of minutes before we get there. Tell me
about yourself."
Terra began elaborating on the subject. "Well, you see...."
(tilts head) Huh.
Just drag the guy into the team. "Aww, c'mon, it'll be fun!"
"Did they ever find out what happened to her and her friend? Sailor
S, was
it?"
Sailor S, huh? Saturn? Or how about Sailor Sputnik?
Sailor S: I am Sailor Sputnik! In the name of Mother Russia, I vill right
wrongs and triumph over the evil American pig-dog capitalists!
Fascinating insight here with the mourning girl, though it's too bad we readers
will never see a Sailor S.
The Cute and Fluffy Formerly Oneshot Senshi Sailor Stylin'!
Sounds like a barbie doll line. Or, a Saturday morning cartoon that
involves turtles.
still be saved from such tragedy. She had to find them and lend them her
strength. There were artifacts to be obtained, a sword to reforge...
Suggest: re-forge (non-d-v-w, please hyphenate accordingly)
Hmm... No, reforge is an appropriate word, and I can verify it through
available online usage and available online dictionaries.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/reforge
I'm convinced the usage is okay.
And she would also do it in memory of Lynn and Minako.
I do not know this Lynn character. I feel shame. I wonder who the mourner is,
though.
Eh, it's just a random character of mine. No need to look too deep.
http://boliver.florestica.com/cpss/index.html
---End of Chapter 9
And now it's time for... MIND YOUR MANNERS!!! with Sailor Nuke.
(Scene of Bruce looking back and forth, rubbing his flippers together in a
very
malevolent and plotting kind of way.)
He's like Scarface of Batman fame; a diminutive but malevolent creature indeed.
Couple that with the fact that he's an AbryFish, and he's easily the most
dangerous character around, next to an evilized Terra merged with S.L.K., AKA
"Undefeatable" or "Hero Suicide" or "Doomsday XP Plus, Champion Edition" or
"Hitler Version II".
It's kind of what I have to do to balance out in some slight measure
my other Annoying New Characters. Want an uber-character? Fine, but
the competition must be of comparable power levels or skill.
Sailor Kawaii: No, you use love, naiivete, and your dazzling good looks to
naiivete --> naivete (as correct as you can get in ASCII, 'coz the
dictionary-correct spelling is 'naivet�/na�vet�', with accent marks; pardon the
funky formatting)
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
All right. No double I's there.
(Darth Vader chops off Luke Skywalker's hand.)
Sailor Nuke: Then explain Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.
Sailor Kawaii(furrows her brow angrily): The exception that proves the rule!
(raises an eyebrow) The exception that proves the rule? First time I've ever
heard of that.
It won't be the last. ;)
Hmmm. (mind goes to the gutter) 'Sailor Vader'... it has a nice ring to it. And
it's a character that I'd _expect_ to be in a NETTG fic to boot. ^-^
Sailor Vader... or when we get to the Stars series, Sailor Star Destroyer!
(cue Imperial March music...)
Sailor Nuke(shrugs): Eh, whatever. The point is, don't go in for sneaky
villains. Just come in and blow 'em up as fast as you can. Sailor Nuke sez.
BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!
Sailor Kawaii: Be cute and have a fun life. Sailor Kawaii says. Tee-hee!
...Okay then. On to the Broken Grammar Rules!
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer.
Two? Oh, that's not bad at all. You should've seen me when I started
like 10 years ago. Jussi Nikander had to constantly remind me to
stick to past tense in the narrative! ^^
Also, some things that weren't covered by the grammar rules: A name is still a
name, complete with capped first letter, even when one stutters when he says
it. Also, some of your sentences don't make much sense... and Arbyfish wasn't
the one who was saying them at the time either. As such, next time you
spell-check and proofread, I'd suggest you read your dialogue out loud. This is
the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and
flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very
weird to read it.
I'll do my best to check my future chapters thoroughly. I try to
vocalize what I write anyway to make sure the words have the proper
flavor, as it were.
Bu-t... maybe you don't need to do so much to fix your fic, since you've so far
been doing well on its technical aspects.
Technical issues are getting to be minor concerns. With each
correction I get, I learn more. Someday there may be no major errors
at all to find.
But... yeah, the plot and characterization are of greater consequence
to me in the long run.
Most your misspellings are
intentional, and done for humorous effect. The rest of the errors, I'm sure
your dedicated team of editors can catch. The rest of it, well, that's what the
FFML is for. So... yeah. Keep doing what you've been doing and just add a bit
more spit and polish to make this fic shine.
Well... I'm not sure about a team of dedicated editors, but they do
try to help out where they can. They've gotten significantly busier
as of late, so I'm holding off demanding too much more of them till I
really, really need it.
Two grammar rules broken, a few extras, and friendly (though unsolicited)
advice. Hmmm. Well, your worst record is five, and for most authors that's
their best record. Keep up the good work on proofreading and having this
pre-read by your loyal editors, Larry F and Josh Temple.
I do thank them for the major contributions that they have made and
hope I can live up to the expectations that have been set forth.
On the other hand, TinT was something I wrote mainly for me, and if I
managed to confuse other people while doing it, even better.
Nevertheless, if someone can show me The Way, I'll make it even better
in accordance with your comments.
As for the content itself: it's undoubtedly good. Again, this chapter, like all
previous chapters, was worth quite a few chuckles. Humor, plot, referential
gags, tart remarks, and good old storytelling are this fic's strong points, no
doubt.
Kind of a filler chapter, really, but at least most of the technical
issues have been taken care of. I can still be a better writer. But
at least people can read what I have to be able to tell me that. ^_^
So far in my C&Cs, I have yet to heavily criticize the content of your
fic. You introduced plot elements and Chekov's guns that will undoubtedly go
off and unravel in the next few chapters, and this one chapter was able to
accomplish what it was set out to do: move the plot with a new 'collect 'em
all' plot point, introduce a few more characters into the fray, and be
entertaining. The latter, most of all, is the most important. Keep on writing.
All righty then! Thanks for the commentary and corrections (not so
much criticism here, but that's fine). I like criticism coupled with
corrections, so all manners of C&C are good. :D
Keep on C&Cing! I appreciate it and I'm sure the others you review
appreciate it as well.