Harsh Language Warning: Sakura-chan discovers fun new ways to degrade
the people around her. Yaaaay!

This should be... interesting.  :)

Still experimenting with the dialogue, though i do have to say that it's 
less stressful for _me_ when Inner Sakura isn't around ^_^;...

"Well it looks pretty fuckin' bad!" Temari snapped, not looking up.
Instead, her eyes fell to the pile of shredded cloth at her feet. 
What
remained of Sakura's clothes were stained completely black with 
crusty,
dried blood; they'd had to _peel_ them off of her so the doctor could
treat her wounds.

Well, at least it isn't all her blood.  Well... not _this_ hers 
blood...
well... not this hers blood that wasn't contained in a different her
first...

Boy, this gets complicated fast.  :)

Bunshin are confusing enough before Sakura-chan gets her hands on 
them -_-;...

Most disturbing were the bite marks; clustered on Sakura's arms and
legs, they were small and shallow, but Temari could tell by the tooth
pattern that they'd been made by snakes. She was sure Anko knew
something about them, but after examining Sakura, the jounin had 
refused
to say more than 'She's fine,' all the while scowling like she was
having trouble swallowing her own bullshit.

Anko: Lies.  I'm an expert at swallowing bullshit, my own or 
otherwise.

I suppose ignorance is bliss, and Anko certainly seems to be pretty 
happy most of the time ^_^;;...

"Am I just a fuckin' toy ta you?" Temari guessed. She knew she'd 
crossed
the line as soon as the words left her mouth, but she was too tired 
to
care. "Is that how it is? Ya get ta kick me around 'n watch me do 
stupid
shit 'till I manage ta fuckin' kill myself? I'll bet it feels good ta 
be
on the other end 'a the-"

*wince* OUCH.

I wonder if it wasn't too early for Sakura/Temari to attack her like 
that; they've just been 'assigned' to each other that morning, after 
all...

While the two older Kunoichi exchanged glares, Sakura turned to stare 
in
confusion at the makeshift triage center that had been set up in the
street outside the hospital. Dozens of white-coated medics circulated
through the rows of cots in a scene of barely-contained chaos. "What
happened? Why are we-?"

Don't believe "Kunoichi" should be capitalized here.

Ack >_<;!

It was the way he moved that identified him- like he could carry on 
an
entire conversation without saying a word. Holding up Sakura's 
discarded
fox mask, he tilted his head and peered at the green-haired girl as 
of
to ask what he had done to deserve this sort of treatment. Then, with 
a
long-suffering sigh, he began walking toward them.

Didn't "Temari" have the fox mask at the beginning of the chapter?  Or
is he supposed to be picking it up from where Anko threw it?

He's picking it up from where Anko threw it; i'll see if i can make that 
clearer...

Blinking, Yoshinari watched for a couple more seconds as Temari 
climbed
up onto the table, then turned to smile uncomfortably at Anko. "You
know, the resemblance is almost frightening, Anko-sama."

...bad move, Monkey-man.

He _is_ a Hyuuga, though. He's got a better than average chance of 
surviving the wrath of angry kunoichi...

She understood how Temari felt, but Sakura really wished 'she' could
learn a little self-control. "I'm scared too, you know, but you don't
see _me_ freaking out just because someone said I act like Anko," she
scolded lightly.

All the paragraph breaks here kind of make it seem like multiple 
people
are talking here.

Hmm... bleh. I've been trying to break down large paragraphs for better 
visual appeal, because when things get sent to the FFML the line limit 
is relatively small. I suppose i might have gone too far in a few 
places...

"And it's _my_ coat," Anko pointed out, grinning wolfishly as she
started working on the second button against Sakura's continued
resistance. "Wouldn't it be best to give it back before something in
there wakes up and decides to bite you?"

....my, Anko is being cruel today.  :)

She's got  an opponent that will play her game with her. She's probably 
overjoyed ^_^...

Frowning, Sakura pressed her hand deep into the plush red cushion 
under
her leg. *Why does this thing have to be so damn soft?* It didn't 
make
any sense; why _did_ Konoha's elite special forces unit keep such a
nice, comfy couch in the middle of their secret detention center?

For all the Monty Python jokes, of course.

Now picture Morino Ibiki singing the Lumberjack Song...

Sakura frowned in confusion. "Famous?" _That_ didn't bode well. 
Sakura's
head started to spin as she tried to figure out what she might be
'famous' for. *Did they hear about what I did to Anko? Did she tell 
them
I was her student? Did they see the see the video?!*

Is the repetition of "see the" intentional?

Ugh... no >_<;. This is a shining example of what happens more than half 
the time when i edit sentences. I replace the _wrong words_ and then 
don't even notice.

"I upset that I got stuck with such a freak for a student," Anko
complained sulkily. "What the hell am I supposed to do with you? 
You're
always getting into trouble and nothing you do ever makes sense."

You know, I can just about imagine Orochimaru, back when he was 
slightly
less evil, saying pretty much exactly the same thing to chibi-Anko, 
and
that just cracks me up.  :)

It's cute, though for better or for worse Anko's teaching style probably 
isn't as... er... sophisticated as Orochimaru's. It's always kinda 
struck me as weird that he chose as his pupil a girl with so little raw 
brain power... unless, of course, she was 'disposable' from the start.

"A pervert? It's not _that_ weird a question, Sakura-chan. Unless... 
Do
you _like_ shy little Hinata-chan? And here I figured assertive girls
were more your type..."

"AAAAAAARGH! DAMMIT, Don't you ever _shut up?!_"

Anko: Nope!

'Cause it would be no fun if she did. Speaking of which, the 'no fun' 
capters are next, if i continue with the revisions... -_-;

Not much in the way of general comments this time; it's a good chapter
and the changes worked well.  I'm looking forward to the next, whether
it winds up being another revision or new material.

I'm glad to hear that the changes weren't too jarring. I'm honestly not 
sure if i would have changed anything, if i'd known that the ripples 
would be so far-reaching and would require so much extra work -_-;. Ah 
well... at least things are starting to settle down a bit. Gonna try and 
start working on whatever comes next in the next day or so. Wish me 
luck, and thanks for replying!

~Eimii 


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