I think it's been a while since I've commented on a chapter of this series,
so it's probably about time.

DB Sommer wrote:

Avenging
Act III, The Animal Farm
Chapter 5

Warning, the action scene has a lot of POV shifts, but breaking them up 
with �xxxx� seemed too bulky. Let me know if there�s some other way to 
do it, or if I should break them up with the x�s
  

I'll try to keep an eye out.

Phantom Cats could have been resolved once and for all. Councilwoman 
Arjuna�s interference had been enough of a pain, but the whole Tigra 
  

Don't recall any earlier reference to "Councilwoman Arjuna", a name
which attracts
attention.  Presumably a tie-in with the anime series Arjuna?

Baxter spat his cigarette from his mouth. �Quit your whining, bitch. 
We�ll take care of things for you.�
  

"Bitch" struck me as an odd epithet to use for a man, but maybe that's
just me.  "Wuss", perhaps?

In witnessing the object of his adore violently hurled from the sky, the 
  

Suggest "object of his adoration"

The woman spoke. �They come highly recommended. A business associate of 
mine, Wilson Fisk, mentioned them when I related my woes to him. They 
are the best hit team in Chicago, and possibly the whole United States. 
Originally, they were a pair of bounty hunters that fell into the 
clutches of a bitch, lesbian, Mafia princess by the name of Goldie. She 
used the hypnotic narcotic, Kerosene, to enslave them to her. She used 
one as her personal hit-woman and sex toy, while the other, deemed 
useless, was used in some sort of experiment altering DNA. It turned her 
into an SPB. Unfortunately for Goldie, the pair eventually received a 
bad batch of Kerosene that turned them psychotic and uncontrollable, 
even with further exposure to normal Kerosene. They killed Goldie and 
everyone in her organization. Fisk managed to avert an outright war 
between them and the other families, convincing the pair to let bygones 
be bygones and advised them to become independent pros. They�ve racked 
up a high number of kills over time, including a handful of SPBs.

�The tall, darker-skinned one is Rally �Bullseye� Vincent, who�s reputed 
to never miss, no matter what weapons she uses. Her partner, the small 
blonde that looks like a child, is Minnie-May Hopkins, aka Nitro, the 
Exploding Girl.

�Collectively they�re known as the Gunsmith Cats, and they are going to 
assassinate the Avengers.�
  

Heh.  I like it.  Nice use of the Gunsmith Cats; Rally as Bullseye seems
especially good.

Looking forward to more.

I wasn't bothered by the 'x's as you have them in currently; they seemed
to work as well as any other separators.
I don't think you need separators for POV changes within a scene, like
in the big fight scene.





             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'