Tomoyo paused in thought. "Actually, no you haven't."

The readers should know that Tomoyo is a thoughtful girl, but what is she
actually doing at this point that can be seen?

Pausing? In thought maybe perhaps?

The increasingly upset Chinese girl folded her arms. "You're always

Ly, ly, ly.  Be on the lookout for ly.

Um...exactly what do you mean by that? There's absolutely no grammatical
error involving the use of an adverb in that sentence.

 Also you've just renamed Meilin to "the Chinese girl" without telling the

reader.

Maybe he assumes--correctly--that the reader is intelligent enough to infer
who he's referring to?

"Tomoyo-chan! Meilin-chan!" they heard Sakura cry out. Turning, they saw
the girl running straight toward them, waving her free left arm as her
right was burdened with luggage. She then called out their names again.

Now you're being a little too specific with the action.  It would be best
to focus on either the two girls or Sakura.  Since Sakura is being the
most active at this point it would be best to just show what she's doing
unless one of the others is going to react strangely.

Complete disagreement with that. Also, I'd add that the ONLY error in the
above paragraph is the redundancy of "She then called out their names
again".

Meilin blinked as Tomoyo shot off towards the incoming girl.

And here you've switched from Sakura to Meilin and then back again.

Which, um...happens sometimes. Because, y'know, different people do
different things in a story, and the only way to show the reader it's
happening is to have them actually, y'know, DO THEM.

"Yes. And you can tell me how you lost your tooth there." Tomoyo began

to

laugh her strange laugh, while Sakura whined pitifully.

Who is it who finds the laugh to be strange and the whining to be pitiful?

This, I'll agree with. The narrative looks a little odd there for third
person.

Sakura jumped as the front door opened, signaling the return of her

father

from his excavation. She quickly made sure everything was properly

placed

and cooking appropriately, before rushing to greet her father.

So Sakura checks all the dishes in mid-jump?

You've never been startled in the middle of doing something by something
like the doorbell or telephone? The above is perfectly correct.

 I'd write this with Sakura
going through the details for one dish, hearing the door, then going back
and picking up where she was interrupted before rushing to the door.

Yes, but it's long since been established that you don't know HOW to write,
so we can disregard that.

Fujitaka shook his head. "Not while I was there, but I got to look at a
few artifacts that few have seen in thousands of years."

Using few twice is jarring here.

Agreed. Suggest changing the latter to "that haven't been seen".

"Now, now. There's no need to go into that. Sakura is old enough to make
her own decisions, just as you did at her age." Fujitaka waved his hands
in downward fashion motioning for them to calm down.

If you show an action then explain its meaning you weaken the impact.

The phrasing is awkward. Suggest:

"Fujitaka waved his hands, signalling them to calm down."

"I'm back!" Meilin announced strutting into Syaoran's family house as if
she owned it. She soon found Fanren and Syaoran sitting in the main

room.

Shouldn't that be the Li family house?  And isn't that in Hong Kong?  So
I'm uncertain at this point as to which country she's in.  What do you
call their estate in Japan?

Well, it seems to me that since we were meant to assume she was going back
to Hong Kong, then that must be where she is. And if this is written from
Meilin's POV, then it's fine to say "Syaoran's family house", since she
considers him of principal importance.

I'd like to suggest Mr. Cobb go back and take remedial sixth grade English
grammar before attempting to give criticism on a fanfic again.

================================
I used to have a gay sofa.
Now I have a hetero sectional.
              ~~*~~
The Eternal Lost Lurker
www.lurkerdrome.com



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