Late, but better than never (I hope):
On 10/27/06, Paul Durant <031537@comcast.net> wrote:
"I take it you are the people sent from the Institute?" said the thin,
nervous looking Japanese man as he pulled open the sliding glass door.
"You'd be correct. Doctor Phillip Akens, Hoffmann Institute."
Dr. Akens extended an opened hand, which the Japanese man stared at
for a few seconds before Akens retracted it with a nervous
cough. "These are my colleagues, Doctor Neary, Doctor Truitt, and
Mister Wheeler."
I think you're missing a full-stop after the first sentence, since it
appears we're switching speakers. Also, you may wish to specify which
language is being spoken, since our Western friend here doesn't
realize his gaffe.
Behind Akito's back, a tall, red-haired man whispered to the pale
woman next to him. "Doctor Truitt? Why do you get to be a doctor and I
only get to be a 'mister'?" She elbowed him in the ribs, but said
nothing.
Because there is no speech indicator in the first sentence, I'd
actually move her response (elbowing him) down to its own paragraph.
I always like to wait until after I've begun C&Cing to remind the
world that I'm not flawless, and my suggestions are just that. I've
already done a C&C EULA, and Abdiel seems to have the market down on a
C&C disclaimer that outweighs the fic's own disclaimers, so.... Yeah.
Take my advice with a grain silo of salt.
"We've been experiencing problems with the electrical systems for
about a month," said Akito, unable to hear what was going on behind
him, "but the first fatality was a week and a half ago -- a student
working overnight in one of the labs was found Wednesday morning ,
covered in what looked to be severe electrical burns. At first we
thought it was some sort of power surge, much of the equipment was
damaged as well --"
Extra space between 'morning' and the following comma.
"Ah, yes, that is correct, Doctor Akens-san. We were concerned, of
course, but we examined the cyclotron and found nothing wrong with
it. We hadn't really had a chance to progress much further when the
second body was discovered, five days later. This time it was one of
our custodial personnel, in the middle of a hallway, with a similar
pattern of burns. Again, there was a power spike from the
cyclotron. We shut it down, even though there was again nothing wrong
with it --"
Is it intentional that he uses 'Doctor' and '-san' instead of just
"Akens-sensei"? This suggests (to me) that this Japanese man doesn't
understand the meaning or proper use of the word 'Doctor'.
Akens interrupted again. "--But two days ago you went into Doctor
Otoyo's office, saw the good doctor's remains, at which point you
closed off the department and called us?"
Here, you have the interjection start capitalized, where previously
you didn't. I think you could go either way, but it's important to
remain consistant.
Akito opened the door and winced at the sight within. Akens' eyebrow
arched, Neary looked queasy, and Wheeler let out a slow whistle. The
office was a shambles, papers and lab equipment lay strewn all
over. The doctor's large oaken desk had been overturned and splintered
in several places. Most notably, what appeared to be Dr. Otoyo hung
upside-down from the ceiling, covered in electrical burns, his legs
below the knee fused into the plaster above them with no visible means
of entry.
Yikes.
"Doctor Akito, you've come to the right people."
Okay....
Very strong opener. You present a cast of confident and seemingly
competent agents, and the poor prole who got caught up in their wake.
* * * DARK MATTER: DOUBLE EXPOSURE
Chapter 1: DOUBLE VISION * * *
There should probably be a disclaimer here at some point. Also, is
the official name "Dark*Matter"?
UNIVERSITY OF TOKYO DEPT. OF HIGH-ENERGY PHYSICS OFFICE OF OTOYO
SHINICHIRO FEBRUARY 16, 1995, 2:08 PM
"I still don't see why we have to hang around in here. We got all the
information we needed over the phone." William Wheeler picked one of
those clicking-ball devices off the floor -- Newton's Cradle, that's
what those things were called -- and started to play with it. "We
could be out right now looking for this thing instead of wasting our
time here."
Interesting narrative style.
"As much as I hate to say it, I agree with Bill on this one," said
Donna Truitt, standing by the door. "We already know how this guy died
and why, it's not like it had anything to do with what he was working
on. And the dead guy hanging out of the ceiling is really starting to
freak me out."
How long's it been there? Should it smell/have bloated up by now?
Philip Akens didn't look up from the stack of papers he was leafing
through. "I know we're not doing anything, but we have to anyway. It's
all about appearances. If we never looked at the office, it would seem
like we weren't serious. Give it another ten minutes or so, convince
him we're touching all the bases. Then we can get down to the real
business." He paused, flipping back and forth between a few pages. "No
wonder he had to pull an allnighter, this guy had no control over his
department. Labs cancelled, tests lost, professors missing, had to be
a lot of work if he's doing the work of six or more professors by
himself. Hell, he's got a Doctor Tomoe here who hasn't shown up in
over two weeks -- that's two weeks worth of three classes a week, labs
to run, papers to grade, equipment to schedule..."
Akens can read Japanese, but didn't know not to shake hands (or did it
just slip his mind)?
"Exactly what I was thinking, Nadine," Akens said as he folded the
papers in half to place in his pocket. "And here we thought we were
wasting our time."
Should that first 'we' be a 'you'? ;)
Across town, at the Mugen Academy for Gifted Students, a young woman
named Mizuno Ami is about to find out just how competetive private
schools can get.
*snrk*
Glancing from mirror to mirror and back again, Dr. Neary backed a
Hertz rental van into the driveway of the missing doctor's rather
impressive two-story home. Nobody expects any trouble -- they don't
expect to meet anybody, as a matter of fact -- but she's learned the
hard way to always, always park for a quick getaway.
I would suggest dropping the brand-name, since it's not ultimately
relevant, and I'm not sure if they have Hertz in Japan (here is where
someone links me to hertz.jp or the like, I suspect).
"Akito said that Tomoe had a daughter," Akens said as Neary struggled
to get the aging manual transmission into "park". "If he's vanished,
and I bet he has, she may still be around. Wheeler, can you give us
your friendly uncle act?"
Manual transmission into "neutral", I think. Automatics have a "park"
(and a "drive"). I would also suggest using single-quotes, so that it
doesn't look odd next to the double-quotes of dialogue.
"I don't know how well it will work if she can't speak any English,
but I'll give 'er a shot." Wheeler heaved the sliding door on the side
open, and it reached the end of its track with a muffled WHUMP. "Wish
I brought a gun, though."
Setsuna: "I'm not fooled."
Truitt rolled her eyes in the seat next to him. "Yes, I'm sure his
daughter would be so much more easily amused if you had a shooting
iron to show her. I know I ask this a lot, Bill, but just what the
hell is wrong with your brain?" Wheeler shot her a scowl set on
"vaporize".
Again my comment about replies (even nonverbal ones) getting their own
paragraphs. In no way required, mind you, just an aesthetic
suggestion.
"All right, here we go." Akens slowly, deliberately pressed his thumb
into the doorbell, greeted by a harsh buzz muffled through the front
door. He waited a few seconds, then held down the button for ten
seconds solid. "Looks like nobody's home. Donna, could you--"
I'm not clear on the third sentence. Is this saying no one responded
and he rang it again? Also, repetition of 'seconds'.
Truitt shoved him aside with a hand curled around a locksmith's pick
set. "--Get the door? Why gee, I hadn't thought of that." She knelt
over and glanced at the doorknob, selected a pick from the fold-out
set, and started to line it up with the keyhole before she stopped and
just turned the doorknob. Met with no resistance, the front doors of
the Tomoe residence swung open.
Hah!
The lights were off, and Donna slapped her hand against the wall a few
times before finding the lightswitches -- she flicked them back and
forth, to no effect. "Lights probably burned out," Wheeler said from a
distance that sounded like he was right in Donna's ear, and she
instinctively spun around and took a few steps backward, nearly
stepping on a table. "Car isn't in the driveway, though, so if he left
them on he was expecting to be right back."
I would suggest starting a new paragraph with 'lights'. Also, is
there significance to the apparent speaking distance? I'm thinking
... psychic.
And at Dr. Neary's suggestion, they split up. They would remain split
up for no more than twenty-five seconds, which is how long it took for
Donna Truitt to go into the basement and find the lab. Once she did,
it was pretty clear that nothing else in the house was going to
matter.
Extra newlines here?
"Holy shit! It's like he's building a Goddamn Frankenstein down here!"
'Goddamn' doesn't need to be capitalized (unless it's a proper name).
"That's right! Get a Goddamn Frankenstein for all of your
village-terrorizing needs! Remember, if it's not a Goddamn
Frankenstein, it's not a real Frankenstein at all!"
"Donna, that's absurd. I mean, Tomoe's field was physics, not biology,
and, and none of these things look like... I mean, if this stuff has
something to do with the Fader's appearance, that's still something
that would require... it'd need a totally..."
Heh.
Tubes and beakers filled with unidentifiable substances littered the
several tables in the room. A mesh of copper wiring coated the walls
and ceiling. The far wall was cluttered with machinery of various ages
and applications. There was a Jacob's ladder, arcing electricity up
its twin antenna to no apparent purpose, a Kenmore refridgerator, and
a boxy device, painted with a star, that was either an autoclave that
looked like an Easy-Bake oven, or an Easy-Bake oven that looked like
an autoclave. A beige Hewlett-Packard was hooked up to most of the
devices, its monitor displaying a series of multicolored tubes snaking
around each other.
Well, at least the power's on (something they never appeared to consider).
Phil didn't look away either. "...It really looks like he's building a
Goddamn Frankenstein down here."
HAH!
Dr. Neary pushed them aside. "Well, whatever he was shooting for, we
know what he got. We'd better get an inventory of what he had, maybe
if we can figure out how he got the fader over here, we can figure out
how to kill it or drive it off."
Should that be 'Fader'?
They nodded in odd synchronicity and fanned out to begin looting the
lab of anything that could either provide insight into the doctor's
dimension-crossing ventures, or at least be sold. Dr. Akens moved to
the computer and began to tap at the keyboard, a few moments later,
Wheeler piped up.
I'd put a full stop between 'keyboard' and 'a few' instead of just the comma.
Akens let out a long sigh. "There wasn't a password, it was just his
screen saver. And that only ever works in the movies anyway."
Makes sense. Door unlocked, computer unsecured....
Wheeler sniffed the contents of the flask he was holding and
grimaced. "Oh, you mean the movies, like the ones where crazy mad
scientists have labs in their basements with those little widgets that
look like rabbit ears with bolts of lightning zapping up them?"
Hehehe....
Akens would have greatly loved to have a withering put-down to respond
to this, but damn if Bill wasn't right.
The narration is very distinct here, but works well. I like it.
Upstairs, a black magic woman breathes a sigh of relief as she sees
the four strangers walking back out to the car, carrying Dr. Tomoe's
computer and several components of the lab. She was afraid that they
might be some as-yet-unknown allies of the Sailor Senshi, but luckily
they were just there to rob the place. They left behind the daimon
incubator, by far the most valuable piece of equipment, and nothing
they did take didn't already have four or five backups at the Mugen
site.
Hoffman Instituite: Being mistaken for common thieves since founding.
"God DAMN it will you jackasses just let me TURN, or am I going to sit
here with my blinker on until I die of old age?" Donna slammed the
base of her palm on the steering wheel in frustration. "You don't get
a prize for 'winning' at traffic, so it's okay if you let someone in
front of you once in a while!" She paused. "I'm sorry, you were saying
something that I wasn't at all interested in?"
Heh.
"Damn Japanese think that if they use enough hair gel it'll stop a
truck, apparently."
That worked.
The long-distance bill alone from this night will be over one thousand
American dollars. The Hoffmann Institute will never see an invoice for
this, because every party involved is about to have much bigger
problems.
Interesting.
"Didn't. I drank about three pots of coffee, and plus the grad
students give me like twenty boxes of those little candy pretzel stick
things with chocolate on them."
"Pocky?"
"Oh no thanks, I'll just put on a jacket."
Heh.
"Bill. Nadine. Stakeout. Talking. Stop doing it."
Hehehe!
"I never played it like that. You always start with the guy's
head. Otherwise you get, like, twenty guesses!"
"Well, there's 26 letters in the English language, you can't just make
me lose after six wr--"
Excellent henchman dialogue. Right up there with, "Smurfs are
obviously an egg-laying species!"
He peered down into the hallway and spied a bluish glow coming down
another hall toward the cyclotron room. In a few seconds, he saw its
shource: a man, or what appeared to be one, faintly luminescent,
dressed exactly like a Naval crewman, of the USS Eldridge, on October
28, 1943. It moved with a quick, determined gait toward the cyclotron.
I don't think you need the comma between 'Eldridge' and 'on'.
"Sailor Moon! Are you satisfied now? Answer me!" There was no
response, there could be none. Sailor Moon stared in mute shock at the
end of the world coalescing before her. Sailor Uranus fell to her
knees and wept.
Suggest replacing the first comma with a semi-colon.
YOU FOOLISH CHILD. I AM OLDER THAN THE PLANETS FROM WHENCE YOU TAKE
YOUR NAME. I WAS ANCIENT WHEN THE GREYS FOSTERED THE LUNAR KINGDOM
FROM WHENCE YOU DRAW POWER. WHEN FIRST THEY ARRIVED ON THIS WORLD, I
WAS HERE, WAITING TO CONSUME THEM. THEY DESTROYED THOUSANDS OF THEIR
OWN AND STILL COULD NOT STOP ME. WHAT CAN ONE MORTAL HUMAN CHILD EVER
HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH?
Hotaru: "You obviously don't watch enough anime."
The device that looked remarkably like a hot dog rotisserie spun
slowly, emitting a light squeak every quarter-turn.
Hehehe.... I can totally see this.
The Fader stopped next to the locked door to the cyclotron, and arcs
of blue-white lightning began leaping through it, into his body. The
flourescent lights all over the hallway began flaring and
sparking. Behind them, they heard a muffled voice say "I am the only
one who can save this world from the Silent One. Just leave the rest
to me."
Should be a comma after 'say', I think.
And wait, the Fader is actually unrelated? It's not just what the
Hoffman crew calls the Pharoh? No, wait.
Now it all makes sense!
Alright. Good stuff.
USELESS. FOOLISH. ALL YOU HAVE DONE WILL DELAY MY RETURN BY A SCANT
FEW SECONDS. I THINK THAT IN RETURN, I SHALL PEEL YOUR MIND FROM ITS
MORTAL SHELL. I WILL USE YOUR PSYCHE AS THE CHALICE FROM WHICH I DRINK
YOUR EXQUISITE SUFFERING.
Eldritch beings are jerks.
Then behind her, she distinctly heard someone say "I think we've found
a problem in the plan, the plan requires your thing to be working!"
Should be a comma after 'say', I think.
This time, everyone heard it, though only Dr. Akens and Dr. Neary
could understand the Japanese language in which it was spoken. "Moon
crisis make up!" howled a disembodied voice. "Moon Crisis Make Up!
MOON CRISIS MAKE UP!" More desparate and hoarse each time.
"language" can be dropped.
"That's it! The DEVICE!" William shouted in a moment of revalation,
and yanked the device away from its wall socket.
Their ultimate piece of defensive equipment required a working outlet? o_o
"No!" cried Sailor Moon, and she ran toward her ally, her friend, in
the hopes she could stop her from sacrificing her own life. Sailor
Saturn pointd her glaive at her, and she stopped short. The blade was
so sharp she thought it could cut space itself.
Pronoun entanglement. Ah....
pointd -- pointed
I would also replace the 'her' following that word with 'the' for clarity.
"Goodbye." Sailor Saturn took a deep breath, to steel herself for what
she knew must be done. And then she heard someone scream "What are
you doing you id--".
Comma after scream.
And then everything exploded.
Nice.
Dr. Neary was suprised that such a flashy, catastrophic explosion
would be utterly silent. Then after a second she realized that it had
completely deafened her. She pushed a chunk of burnt acoustical tile
off herself and slowly rose to her feet to inspect the damage. The
spot where the fader had stood was now a radial scorch mark, there was
no sign of the creature or the device remaining. The wall that
previously obscured her vision of that spot had been blown to bits, as
had several other walls around the hallway, the cyclotron itself, and
a large part of the ceiling. She turned around to see which of her
teammates would need medical attention, and saw something unexpected.
Comma after 'scorch mark' could be a semicolon.
Lying next to her, unconscious, in the middle of a pile of debris that
seemed to indicate she'd been thrown rather bodily into the wall
behind her, was a small, frail little Japanese girl. Her plain black
shirt was tattered, revealing all manner of cuts and abrasions
underneath, blood was oozing down her face, and both her hands were
locked in a death-grip on a long, wicked polearm that still held a
perfect mirror sheen even as everything around it was coated in a film
of plaster dust.
Alrighty. I really can't wait to see how this turns out, though I do
have to say that I'm sorry for taking so long to reply to it properly.
Looking forward to more!