Heeere's... C&C!
Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
Incidentally, I am omnivorous. I eat both meat and vegetable varieties of food.
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
Before anything else, let me just reply to this...
On 11/29/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
Furthermore, Terra's continuing steak of bad luck (and her lack of blissful
ignorance now that she's a bit smarter than when she was introduced) really
does make her a lot more amiable and pleasant than other 'Sues' of her ilk.
She's more human and identifiable since she's got problems she has to
slog through. She's almost like... a real viable character now. ;)
Let me categorically agree with you and say this: problems, misery, and payoff
care of superpowers are just _part_ of the story of a well-developed character,
or else WWE's push with John Cena will always be met with cheers instead of
boos. A real and viable character isn't just miserable; he/she should have a
bit of personality, appeal, and is relatable to boot. The intangible 'charm'
factor should be present, and a bit of realism doesn't hurt. And what
constitutes charm and realism for a fictional character? Identifiable values
and quirks that make them real, fleshing them out so that they won't become
caricatures of themselves... _then_ see how they react to the shit given to
them... now _that_ makes for a viable character (See: Spiderman).
Of course, that's not to say that unremarkable, personality-less characters
that's been 'Job'-ed by their authors can't be met with similar success (Tenchi
Muyo, anyone?). I'm just saying that IMO, the former is far superior to the
duller latter.
Anyway, is Terra such a(n interesting enough) character (even without the
constant shit flung at her direction)? We'll find out soon enough.
(sighs) And now that I've gotten that out of my chest, let me introduce my
current victim... ;)
On 4/17/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
Yet another chapter. ^^
So it is.
I've gotten some feedback, which I am grateful for, and made some according
adjustments. Arby's dialogue, for one, is toned down somewhat so that it
should be at least readable in a basic sense.
Aw, but Arby making little to no sense is half the fun of a NETTG series! Heck,
I'm still waiting for his appearance in the webcomic (that's not just the
sprite comic).
EDIT: Then again, I'm also waiting for the time that Arby'll get his
comeuppance in this version of NETTG. For the sake of karma, yin and yang,
fanservice to the haters, and the balance of the force.
Others have noted that they feel commentary would be wasted on a completed
story, since it would not significantly impact the flow of the plotline.
As opposed to an incomplete work-in-progress that has an obviously higher rate
of abandonment than a complete work? Psshhh. Nitpickers.
It'll be nice when I'm able to do that again, and assimilate ideas in true
Borg fashion such that none will be able to defend themselves from me
grabbing
stuff and dumping it in... All in good time.
Yeah. All in good time. I remember your little 'acceptance speech' at the
Chickenball Awards; that you do have great appreciation for readers and reader
comments, sooo... yeah. Whatever else you may do with this feedback, I hope
that you meant what you said a Chickenball or two ago.
There have also been some that have noted that they feel kind of cheated in
that
I had a disclaimer in there that the story will get dark at some point or
another.
...Here's a thought: Will the nitpickers deem the disclaimer as a spoiler now
too?
What to do, what to do... I mean, I want to please the fans... serve
the fans, and the secret to this is fanservice, apparently. But the story is
written, so how do I proceed?
With extreme caution and remembering that you wrote this because you enjoy
writing this. On the other hand, if you wrote this for the fans, then constant,
Wikipedia-like revisions are key. And by Wikipedia-like, I don't mean putting
'You Suck, Terra!' in the middle of the fic. ^^
Ah well, just have to kill off all the main characters, then! Enjoy! ^_^
Heh. Take that, fans! Screw you!
George Lucas: (approves)
Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo
---Chapter 5: And Then They All Died.
This promises to be quite a chapter that uses a Season Ender
gimmick/cliffhanger reminiscent of Dallas or any of the modern-day TV
shows/soaps. ^_^
The girl's shoulders slumped as she shook her head and continued on
towards the
meeting location. Actually, that book didn't remind her at all about her
situation, but still, it would have been nice to have something substantial
to
think about in order to mitigate the surreality of the current circumstances
of
her life.
Suggest: surreality --> surrealism
If it's a portmanteau of 'reality' and 'surreal', then sure. What the hell. But
if you want to know the common usage noun form of the adjective 'surreal', then
it's 'surrealism'.
exist or what in the heck kind of magic uses abbreviated sailor suits,
Heh. 'Abbreviated.'
She blinked as a new idea occurred to her. "Or will I really have
to?" she
asked herself. "We've got three more Sailor Soldiers. Maybe they really
won't
need me this time. I don't make any difference anyway."
There's a lesson to be learned here, kids. Everybody is special.
Dash Parr: Schyeah. That's like saying that nobody's special.
Er, yeah. Um, moving on...
It was really odd, though. Just thinking of seeing the fellow members
of her
Sailor army was starting to fill her with terrible amounts of dread.
Of _her_ Sailor army? It makes her sound rather megalomaniacal, doesn't it?
Like her original self, to be exact.
However, it would have been nicer if they had, say, a
top secret room hidden in the arcade with all sorts of nifty gadgets and toys
to use.
"Luna?" Usagi asked. "Can we build some top secret room in the arcade
with all
sorts of nifty gadgets and toys?"
Heh. Uncomplicated person, that Usagi.
"Like I said, I don't want to talk about it." Terra glanced back at
Luna and
sighed, looking very much like she felt how the quivering cat did right now.
Er, I think I know what you meant to convey, but I still suggest that you
revise that sentence to be more... readable, please.
"Let's not jump to conclusions," Ami cautioned. "Second guessing
ourselves
Suggest: Second-guessing
"Hah," Rei laughed. "Staying up late playing video games is more like
it."
"But we just got our new Playstation!" Usagi complained. "I couldn't
let it go
to waste!"
I'd say that's an anachronism, but never mind. For all I know, this is set in
PGSM continuity (which will still make that an anachronism because by that
time... er, never mind).
The two squabbled back and forth like true naturals--as if they'd
known each
other since they were little, and not only since the day before.
And some things never change.
"It's just that," Terra said, "I think you'd all be better off if you
didn't
have me to drag you down."
Awwww. She's having her own little mini-angst right now.
I don't know what could happen. But I'm scared. Really scared." She
looked
Extra space before 'I don't'.
Usagi didn't know what to say. "Terra, I--"
Sobbing, the Irish girl placed her head on Usagi's shoulder, clinging
to her
for some sense of comfort. "Please, no more."
I guess this is one of the 'dark' parts that you've mentioned. Pffft. I've seen
darker. Also, 'dark' is a misappropriated label, seeing that it's only 'dark'
compared to the lighthearted slant NETTG generally has.
Then again, I may be eating my words by the eleventh chapter... (puts salt on
my words for added taste)
Rei slapped her hand on the table. "What in the world is this!?" she
yelled at
Terra. "First, you sign us up to fight the Dark Kingdom, and next, you're
chickening out on us!"
Ah. And this sounds about right for Rei to say. Kudos for the apt portrayals.
Personally, I like this shift towards the dramatic. Not unlike Rurouni
Kenshin's sudden shift to the serious, I'd say. Gags and humor are great, but
nothing says 'suspension of disbelief' and 'real life' than actual drama that
people can relate to.
Frightened, sad, alone, and unwilling to face her fear, she said to
herself, "I
really don't deserve to be a superheroine, do I?"
Suggest: super-heroine (then again, if you're going to use that suggestion, you
might as well use 'super-hero', which is just plain wrong, so it remains as
_just_ a suggestion)
"Well o' course!" Arby shot back in a pleasant businessmanlike manner.
"Only
natural, it is."
Suggest: businessman-like
Also: businesslike
Arby whipped out his can of yellow paint from earlier in the day.
"It's me
Mystical Magical Yellow Depression Mushroom Paint. Makes ya Emotionally
Unstable!"
(facefault) And we relapse to NETTG silliness.
"O' course! It got absorbed through your clothes and into your skin.
A whole
bucket o' the stuff'd throw ya into a Suicidal Rage!" Again, it was one of
those expensive trademarked phrases. He backed up and tilted the bucket,
preparing to throw it. "'Ere, look at this!"
"Arby, NO!!!"
Hmmm. I'd say that ArbyFish is the most dangerous creature in this whole fic.
Certainly more dangerous than Jadeite, no contest. Heck, he's already starting
to get on my nerves with his antics.
Terra: Then try to imagine how _I_ FEEL!
Acting quickly, Terra whipped off her skirt and threw off her blouse.
The wind
blew them over the edge of the bridge she was on, and they fell into the
river
below. She looked down and saw her shoes and socks similarly getting
affected.
She kicked off her shoes and ripped off her socks.
Then she noticed, to her horror, that the paint had penetrated down to
her
slip. The tight weave was stopping the absorption somewhat, but it wouldn't
last. Her mind screaming at her to hurry, she tore it off and discarded it
as
well.
Er, I don't like where this is going. If anything, if it goes according to
where I think it's going, then Terra's going to go into a Suicidal Rage
regardless of the paint.
Nearly hyperventilating in shock Terra checked what was left.
Suggest: shock, Terra
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
"Not this time, Mister Fish," Terra retorted, looking back at the
creature.
"You'll not best ME today."
You evil, evil man. Poor li'l Terra Sue, suffering the karma of a thousand Mary
Sues...
It took her a few more moments of quiet thought for her to realize the
gravity
of her situation. She'd had dreams, when she was in elementary school, of
accidentally going to class in her underwear. It was one of those primal
fears
that struck terror into even the most composed of human beings. Being in the
same situation while in the middle of the street in an unfamiliar part of
town
tripled the anxiety.
I wonder if ArbyFish is trying to activate Terra's powers by making her so
insanely mad she'll go Super Sayajin and then release Chakra-based,
Reiatsu-based, Nen-based, Reiki-based, and Magic-based Powers....
SSJ-10 Terra: AVEDA SECTUM DAMA BUNGEE KOKURYU KAMATARI DAMASHI HA!
I mean, we've all seen what anime protagonists are capable of when angered, but
how about multiplying that to the nigh-limitless Otaku-ken powers of an actual
Sue? :P Hmmm.
She could knock on a door and try to hide in someone's house, but no,
that
wouldn't work. This was more of a park area with ornamental bridges, but
somehow had a distinctive lack of bushes she could hide behind.
Well, she can always go the Rush Hour/Austin Powers route and use various
everyday objects to hide her modesty. Which brings us back to 'Suicidal,
Homicidal, Genocidal Rage' due to her sheer mortification, of course...
She would have
enough cash for bus fare, but she probably couldn't pay for a taxi with the
pocket change she carried. Of course, if she got home, she could get
probably
her mom to pay for the ride.
With her current situation in mind, it's probably best that she doesn't get
into any crowded, touchy-feely trains or buses as well. Oh, and never mind
planes, knowing her phobia...
But there were no taxis around, and a bus was just pulling up. It was
a route
she knew, as well. All in all, taking the public transit system seemed to be
the least embarrassing option.
Er... didn't I just say...? Never mind.
Act natural, Terra coached herself. If she doesn't look like
anything's wrong,
Suggest: she doesn't look like anything's wrong, --> she didn't act like
anything was wrong,
The contracted apostrophe-s usually connote more to 'is' than to 'was', FYI.
Now, I realize that you're employing some sort of informal narrative using
Terra's POV, but keep in mind that the narrative is still set in past tense,
even when you're shifting it to a character's POV _unless_ it's part of a
character's _internal dialogue_. Thing is, I don't see Terra referring to
herself in third person unless, well, she's already merged with S.L.K. to
become that galactic, Unicron/Galactus-sized, Planet-Destroyer-Monster thingy
with multiple personalities.
The girl took a seat and held her bookbag on her lap to better cover
herself,
and forced herself to breathe deeply and calmly. Everything was fine, she
repeated in her mind. I'm not really running around in my underwear, I'm
just
part of a new trend. You haven't heard of it? Your loss. It's all the rage
in Britain.
Or perhaps in Superhero World. Just ask Wonder Woman. Ditto with Fanservice
World, Love Hina World, or any Fic World that has Jose Argao as an author.
The bus was indeed one that would eventually take Terra home, but it
looked
like it was going the long way around.
Gee, I wonder why.
Something terrible burned inside her; a blackness beyond blackness of
roiling
anger spilled across her mind like an unholy fog.
Uh-oh. It's 'overwhelming anime girl powers whenever they're wronged' coupled
with Sue powers. I feel sorry for the idiot who did that.
Was this what some older women sometimes spoke
of? The righteous indignation of a girl who had been wronged in such a
manner?
Yeah, that's the one.
All she knew was she was even more embarrassed than ever when the
young man in
question fell back, crying out in pain. "G-gomen nasai!" she cried out, her
ability to comprehend Japanese flickering in and out.
Heh.
"OW! OW! OWWWW!" the high school boy continued to yell.
"Grabbing that poor girl like that?!" a woman's voice exclaimed.
"DARLING NO
BAKA!!!"
Ah sou.
Terra didn't know what a glomp was. If asked a month ago, she'd have
said it
was some kind of really fat African hippo. Nevertheless, a glomp was what
was
happening to her.
Fanservice for the fandom or making fun of fandom cliche? You decide, dear
reader. News at eleven.
The Chinese girl stiffened, then released her and moved away a little,
looking
hurt. "Airen forget Shampoo?" But then she looked at Terra a little closer
and said, "Oh! Naked middle school girl not Airen. I sorry. Bai-bai!" She
got back on her bicycle and went off.
A Shampoo cameo? No doubt, it's FFML fanservice.
"That wasn't what I asked--ahh, very well. If you're not taking them
out of
circulation, then at least give Terra her cut of the proceeds."
Sou ka.
"Modeling is a respectable career choice," Kasumi pacified her
daughter.
"Given the circumstances, we'll just call this incident a case of
unintentional
'modeling.'"
O_o What a mom.
Terra checked them out. While it was embarrassing to see herself in
that state
of undress, she did have to admit that the lighting was excellent, the angles
were superb, and they were comparatively tastefully done.
It's nice how everything worked out. O_o
Ah yes. The eternally boggled expression is indeed a prerequisite of reading
NETTG. All in all, I'd say that this chapter of NETTG: TIT was the most
NETTG-est of the chapters so far, even with the dramatic 'Kill 'em all!'
cliffhanger in the end.
Kasumi covered up the receiver and said, "Oh, it's just the CEO of a
major
modeling company--you know, the one that does the high-grade professional
superstar idol singing that you've always dreamed of being a part of since
you
were little? She says she was very impressed by your agent's presentation
and
thinks you're great, so she wants to interview you personally for a job next
Tuesday. Are you interested?"
Wow. There was a time when I thought either Terra or S.L.K. was the
all-powerful, omnipotent, and reality-bending inserted character... till I got
the Arby experience. Jeez, he really does have a strange way of forwarding the
plot in a silly manner reminiscent of the characters in Alice in Wonderland,
the ol' Looney Tunes cartoons, or even the more contemporary animation, 2X2
Shinobuden.
Onsokumaru: Feh.
Arby's just... silly, fun, and genuinely unpredictable, he/she/it is. I like.
^_^ But I will note that, unlike Onsokumaru, he actually gets away with it. For
good or for ill, that may be part of the reason why not so many people like the
Arbyfish, especially the Arbyfish of this fic's universe. A to the N to the C,
G. Word.
"Mom, I'm going upstairs. I'll take a shower--I mean, long soak in the
bathtub, er, furo--and then I'm going to relieve my stress by destroying a
thousand worlds in one blast--
Heh. Sounds about right. Hell, my 'Mary Sue bullshit' detector didn't even go
off when Terra incidentally got a modeling contract because, hey, it's a nice
counterpoint and punch line to the evil that Arby has unleashed upon her.
You've been doing well with setting up Terra's trials, conflicts, and
tribulations, Mr. Oliver. By doing so for the past (checks) five chapters, I'm
surprised to find myself actually looking forward to seeing Terra uncover her,
um, true monstrous self and her reality-bending, protagonist-killing,
antagonist-kowtowing powers. ^_^
I mean, I'm going to my room to sleep." She
thought what she said.
Suggest: She thought about what she said.
Terra looked out the window and saw some bright multicolored flashes
in the
Suggest: bright, multicolored
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
When Terra finished her transformation sequence, she dashed out to the
car and
seatbelted
Suggest: seat-belted
The streets were surprisingly empty, especially near the airport.
Kasumi was
able to drive straight up to the terminal. As Terra got out, she kissed her
daughter on the cheek and said, "Give 'em hell, sweetie. I'll pick you up
afterwards. Have fun fighting the Dark Kingdom!"
(snerk) Schyeah.
"No, I have to help!" Then Terra saw what the big deal was, and why
it was
such a desperate, losing struggle. Not only had Jadeite come, but he'd also
brought friends. There were three others, dressed similarly to him.
"Kunzite! Nephrite! Zoicite!"
Ah. A very interesting plot point. I guess it does make sense that the girls
are all about to die. The Shittenou, when working together, are certainly more
powerful than, say, the Doom and Gloom Girls. It's a very interesting plot
point indeed. Not as ridiculous and memorable as the mental image of Jadeite
firing off a Kame Hame Ha at the senshi, but it's a more logical, serious, and
believable turn of events, all things considered.
Chibimoon shouted without thinking first. She
covered her mouth. It had been another one of those cases of ideas and names
coming straight from her mind without asking her for permission to think
them.
The tall one with silver hair--Kunzite--smiled evilly at her and said,
"You
know our names. Good! Then we won't waste time with petty introductions."
I'm glad _that_ worked out.
Sailor Venus (Ronin Summer): But without the introductions, it'll take them
forever to figure things out!
"Our queen wants you all dead," the shorter effeminate one added.
"But since
you're here, there's still there's time for a little fun.
Revise: there's still there's --> there's still (delete second 'there's') or
there's (delete 'there's still')
Terra's heart pounded frantically when she saw each of the generals
take a
position in front of each of the trapped girls, hands raised and gathering
spheres of energy. "NO!!!"
The Shittenou: All together now... BIG BANG ATTACK!
In front of Sailor Moon, Zoicite cackled madly and threw her attack at
the
defenseless girl. The resulting explosion blew a hole through Usagi's chest,
leaving her quite effectively dead.
Nephrite fired next, leaving Jupiter in much the same state.
Kunzite and Jadeite didn't hesitate, killing the two remaining Sailor
Soldiers.
~DundunDUUUUUN!!!~
Y'know, incidentally, the impact would have been much greater if you didn't
spoil the surprise in the author's note in the beginning. That's _exactly_ the
reason why I usually put my author's note in the end, and also why I prefer
author's notes put in the end.
The Dark Kingdom Generals--Terra could no longer think of them in such
a
playful way as "Negamafoozles"--grouped together for one final attack.
The Shittenou: All together now... GENKI DAMA!
Terra: (slips away and lives a normal, uneventful life as the generals take
exactly seventy-two years to create the powerful, planet-destroying orb)
The giant combined blast sped towards her, and she made no move to get
out of
the way. But, when it was just about to reach her, a giant man in green
camouflage armor--the Star Light Knight--jumped in front of her.
(muted trumpet playing) ~Mwawawaaaahhhh...~
S.L.K.: (raises an eyebrow)
Heh. Oops. Wrong soundtrack. My bad. (plays the correct one)
~DundunDUUUUUN!!!~
S.L.K. blocked the blast head-on. It was like it was nothing for him.
Then he
picked scooped her up like a child and ran off, tossing armloads of grenades
behind him.
In the resulting explosions, the four generals were unable to pursue.
Terra
didn't care what they were shouting in anger about. She didn't resist being
held and carried off. Nothing mattered anymore, with her friends gone.
Nothing.
Very apt ending. The most dramatic ending I've ever seen used in a NETTG fic,
or, heck, any of the fics you've made that I've read so far. I like the
difference. Though... it does make me wonder/worry/whatnot about what'll happen
next. I for one am merely hoping that nothing contrived or unbelievable happens
in the following chapters. But then again, this is comedy, where anything is
possible as long as it's humorous and done in good fun. ^_^
Sailor Nuke: But she was tough, so she also got back at the guy who came
after
her. So don't be cute. Be tough! Sailor Nuke sez. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
Sailor Kawaii: And if you want to be happy and have a good job, be cute!
Sailor Kawaii says. Tee-hee!
Sailor Gnu: Also remember, kids! No gnews is good gnews!
Alrighty then. After hearing the running gag/tradition of parodying DIC's
Sailor Says segment care of Sailor Kawaii and Sailor Nuke, let's get this show
on the road. Broken Grammar Rules, yo!
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
As for the story itself: Cameos galore this time around, but that's not the
important thing in this story, obviously. The major plot point and cliffhanger
in the end is where it's at... but we'll talk about that later. Right now,
let's focus on what happened before that: quite a lot, if you ask me. As I've
mentioned above, I love Terra's development as a character. To portray her as a
typical anime girl having an atypically bad day gives her more range and
believability, methinks. Conflict, Arbyfish, and situations that highlight a
character's personality is always good, methinks... though the Arbyfish thing
may be taking it too far. :P
As for my worries about Terra's personality: She's pretty unremarkable as an
anime girl otherwise, but when you put typical anime girl together with
suffering and uber-powers, you have quite the mixture. ^^; My point? To hell
with her supposed personality, Terra's whole situation as a whole is what makes
her interesting and exciting to read. ^_^
As for the uber-plotbunny in the end: it's interesting, it's cool, it may be
construed as a cheap ploy to garner reader reaction (hence the mention of it at
the beginning of the fic), but what the hell, it worked anyway. :P Usually, if
I were in 'super-critic mode' and if I weren't having so much fun reading this
particularly well-executed plot point, I'd say that the characters weren't
given enough screen time/time to fully show to the reader their respective
personality to give their deaths much payoff, thus there's wasted potential for
drama/angst/whatnot. Also, I'd comment about how, as per usual, Ms. Junior Sue
is the only one left standing and how, at last, S.L.K. has finally shed his
hesitance at using his author-provided powers to trounce the Shittenou's
attacks like they were nothing at all. Then again, there comes a time when you
have to just shut up and accept the fact that this is NETTG, so it's Terra's
story, S.L.K.'s moment to shine, and the canon protagonists are indeed the foil
this time around. With that in mind, I say this story rocks. Can't wait to see
what happens to our (now-angsty, as typical of a teen her age) young heroine
Terra, as well as her alter-ego/s S.L.K.
In regards to Terra's original form, I can't help but wonder... will there come
a time when Terra becomes Metallia-like and Sailor Moon has no choice but to
face this force-of-nature version of Ms. Incognita a la what Queen Serenity did
in the flashback parts of NETTG: The Early Years? Rhetorical question, that.
Final note: It's curious that S.L.K. didn't join the fray from the get go. Lots
of questions unanswered, as typical of a Dallas-type cliffhanger chapter. Well,
whatever the case, keep on writing. See you on the next chapter.
Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel
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"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
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