Here goes... the first post from my new computer, and the fourth in the
illustrious OAV 42 presentation of the by-now familiar Harry Potter
fanfic. Hope everyone enjoys it as much as I have!
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?
THE OAVing part 4
NACHO: Okay, we've paused for breath long enough. Let's get into the
second half of what we have of Scott K. Jamison's "... And Justice For All?"
ACE: Yeah! Bring it! More, more, more!
NACHO: You seem excited.
ACE: Yep! I can't wait to read more of the story!
NACHO: You think if you pretend to like it, you might fool yourself.
ACE: That's it exactly! You could take over for Draco Malfoy as
Professor of Divination!
SHEILA: You know, for a school with seven years' worth of students, and
presumably a huge student body, doesn't it seem a little thin to have
just one professor for each subject? How can they possibly keep up with
the scheduling?
NACHO: A wizard did it!
SHEILA: Well, DUH.
ACE: Forget that, I'm raring to go! Let's see what happens to Duncan,
the freshly-tamed Draco, shark-lady Tiz, and George, the pet liz- (twitches)
NACHO: Something wrong?
ACE: I can't do it. The lizard's name is GEORGE.
SHEILA: And Duncan's best friend is Cuchulain. Your point?
ACE: (seizes and collapses)
NACHO: Perfect. I think that's our cue.
<BEGIN FANFIC>
>
> C&C & MSTs are welcome.
NACHO: (bows)
ACE: Good to know we're doing this with permission... not that we ever
work without.
>
> ...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?
NACHO: He seems strangely more hesitant this time around. Is that
ellipsis new?
ACE: We're over the hump. Halfway. It's an awesome prospect.
> by Scott K. Jamison
SHEILA: Marry me!
> [Note: The Harry Potter books and their related characters were
> created by J.K. Rowling. No infringement is intended or should be
> assumed.]
NACHO: George the lizard is an original character.
ACE: Not sure anyone's going to try to claim him anyway.
> Chapter Three: A Train Bound For Glory
ACE: (looks back at the subject line, then at the chapter heading) Holy
time reversal, Batman! It's another chapter three! The chapter that
won't die!
NACHO: You know, the nameless hero wouldn't have had to go on that quest
for glory if he'd known there was a train that would take him right there.
>
> King's Cross Station was covered in scaffolding.
SHEILA: Nobody has any idea what the decorators were thinking.
> Duncan had
> seen in the newspaper that it had been scheduled for demolition, but
> a last-minute political deal had saved it for renovation instead.
SHEILA: They're renovating it into rubble.
NACHO: Darn those Democrats.
> Knowing what he now did, Duncan wondered if wizards had something to
> do with that.
ACE: What do you think this is, an RPG plot inconsistency?
> Dodging construction workers, he and Mum went in search of
> Platform 9 3/4. As Duncan had half-expected, there was no such
> place.
SHEILA: In fact, his directions had been written on a hat size label.
NACHO: He half-expected nine and three-quarters... can someone do the
math here?
> But the crowd was thicker between Platforms Nine and Ten, so
> there was probably some trick to it.
ACE: He notices this... and no Muggle has ever realized it in all the
years of Hogwarts history?
> Sure enough, a teenage girl in
> robes suddenly walked through one of the dividers and vanished.
NACHO: Real life just doesn't have the processing power to track that
many sprites at once, so it simplifies. The XBox 360 version will
eliminate those clipping problems.
> "Over there, Mum," said Duncan, pointing in that direction.
>
> "But there's nothing there, Duncan. It's just a stone wall."
NACHO: <Duncan> We've been over this, Mum. If there's a wall, it's not
nothing.
> Even as Mum said this, a boy walked through the divider. She didn't
> seem to notice.
ACE: Misandronist.
NACHO: RPG characters never notice when someone moves to another
location. Even if they do it by teleporting.
> "Hey Duncan!" A waving arm in the crowd turned out to be
> attached to Cuchulain.
NACHO: All together now...
ALL: <Cuchulain> Aah! Get it off get it off get it off get it off...!
> The dark-eyed boy was accompanied by his
> mother and a teenaged girl who bore a strong family resemblance to
> them.
SHEILA: Someone's obviously unfamiliar with the word "sister".
> "Cuchulain, hi! This is my Mum, you remember her."
>
> "Good morning, Cuchulain," said Mum, a bit curtly.
ACE: <Zelda> I knew you were going to corrupt my son.
NACHO: <Zelda> HE USES DARK MAGIC! HE... IS NOT... A CHRISTIAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
> "Top of the morning to you, Ma'am." Cuchulain was looking
> freshly scrubbed, and the glance he shot to his own mother suggested
> he'd been told to mind his manners.
NACHO: And that he hadn't listened.
> "This is my mother, and my
> sister Morrigan."
NACHO: <Duncan> Morrigan? And I thought Tiz was the only child-eating
monster I needed to worry about....
> Morrigan, dressed in an uncomfortably-formal dress, said,
> "Pleased to meet you, I'm sure."
SHEILA: <Morrigan> You're the one with my change of sensible clothes, right?
> The expression on her face spoke of
> inutterable boredom.
SHEILA: Inutterable but clearly not unspeakable.
> Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, who seemed to think that she had been invited
> to a costume party as a gypsy queen,
NACHO: <Mrs. O> Oh, wait, my mistake! It says gypsy MOTH!
> with an extravagant dress and
> even more jewelry than she'd worn in Diagon Alley, smiled broadly.
SHEILA: <Mrs. O> You all WISH you could dress this well.
ACE: <Everyone else> NO WE DON'T!
> "I'm so pleased Cuchulain will have a friend with him at school."
NACHO: <Duncan> He will? I want to meet that guy!
> "I suppose so," said Mum uncertainly. "But--aren't you worried
> about this? It's so far away."
ACE: It's only in another realm untouchable by Muggle perception.
> "Bright Lady, yes, I've worried.
NACHO: <Zelda> I'm flattered, but I'm actually rather dense.
> And shall worry still. But
> I've read the prospectus, and Hogwarts is safe as houses, so it says.
SHEILA: Someone actually believes the brochure?
NACHO: And ignores all the history surrounding Harry Potter at Hogwarts?
ACE: And doesn't realize that the "houses" it's talking about are
Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Usher?
> And my boy will owl me every week, right Cuchulain?"
JUNK: <Cuchulain> *hisses* Not in front of other people, Mother...
> "Yes, Mother," he said in a long-suffering tone.
NACHO: Must have been Celine Dion singing that line.
> "But how do we get to this Platform Nine and Three-Quarters,
> anyway?" asked Morrigan. "I don't see a sign."
ACE: It's the sewer grate under your feet. They use that trick to get
free pizza.
> "May I help you with that?" The speaker was a tall redheaded man
> pushing a very overloaded baggage cart.
SHEILA: The porters sure are dressing down these days.
> Beside him were four
> red-headed children descending in size from nearly as tall as the man
> to just shorter than Duncan. "I'm Ron Weasley."
NACHO: <Ron> I'm incredibly macho, suave, sophisticated, rich,
influential, and intelligent enough to have been appointed Professor of
Potions at Hogwarts. I've also had a race change operation. I'm now
mixed Asian with about an eighth Cherokee.
> The mothers introduced themselves and their children. "We're
> looking for the platform," said Mum, still oblivious to the steady
> stream of people walking through the wall.
ACE: Only those with supernatural powers and Bill Cosby can see ghosts.
NACHO: Look, there goes Patrick Swayze!
> Mr. Weasley looked a bit embarrassed as he said, "If you're not
> wizards, you can't get there from here,
NACHO: > UNLOCK DOOR
> so you'd best say your
> goodbyes now. Oh, and these are my lot, Thomas, Richard, Peggy and
> Martin."
ACE: He has a painful lot in life.
> He pointed from oldest to youngest.
NACHO: So that'd be Mrs. O, Zelda, himself...
SHEILA: <Mrs. O and Zelda> (smacks Nacho)
NACHO: Right... I meant Ron, Duncan, Cuchulain, THEN Mrs. O and Zelda...
> "Very pleased to meet you," said Morrigan, looking directly at
> Thomas with a large smile.
ACE: <Morrigan> For some reason, I picture him going well on an English
muffin.
> The tall boy seemed embarrassed as he
> mumbled "Likewise."
SHEILA: Awww... it's young love at first sight.
> "Martin's just starting this year, like your boys," added Mr.
> Weasley.
NACHO: <Mrs. O> Actually, our year starts in March, not January.
> "So many children!" said Mrs. O'Shaughnessey, "how did you get
> that approved?
SHEILA: <Ron> Believe me, though Hermione got the upper hand in most of
our pre-nup, I stood firm on the offspring issue.
JUNK: <Ron> Although the children weren't the real reason I put that
clause in there.
> I had Morrigan and Cuchulain before we moved to
> England, or we'd have been in big trouble."
ACE: So... people in England aren't allowed to have children, but
they're free to bring them into the country from outside? Sounds like a
society ripe for the adoption of Chinese babies.
> "The Population Restraint laws don't apply to wizards, as such.
NACHO: <Ron> We're allowed to have up to eight children, as long as at
least half of them are 80% or more human.
> We fall under the 'minority' loophole."
NACHO: Somebody apparently hasn't been reading the Minority Report.
> "Oh." Mrs. O'Shaughnessey did not look pleased.
SHEILA: <Mrs. O> More bloody wizards running all over the bloody
countryside.... Anyone having wizard children should have their tubes
ti- wait...
> Duncan looked at Martin. The other boy shyly hid behind his
> father.
NACHO: <Ron> Come on, boy. You'll never be the hero of Redwall with that
attitude.
> His robes looked too large for him, as though they'd been
> handed down from one of his siblings.
ACE: Or one of Ron's.
> "Come on, Martin, I know you miss your mother, but you know why
> she couldn't be here."
NACHO: <Martin> Yes, Father. Because we want to keep her identity a
secret from the readers.
> Mr. Weasley pushed his son forward. "Say
> hello to Duncan....did you say 'Dursley?'"
SHEILA: <Duncan> No! I just sneezed!
> "H'lo," said Martin, and promptly hid again.
NACHO: "Dursley" must be his activation word.
> "Don't know where he gets it from," muttered Mr. Weasley.
ACE: It's a fairly standard greeting... kids learn it early on in life.
> "Certainly not from me, and his mother could never be called timid.
NACHO: (crosses "Bess Timideaux" off the list of possible wives)
> But as I was saying, 'Dursley'?"
ACE: <Martin> H'lo.
NACHO: Annyoung.
> "Yes," replied Mum. Duncan hadn't told her that the name was
> unpopular; perhaps he should have.
NACHO: <Duncan> Remember what I told you about mentioning Microsoft to
my software engineering buddies? That's our name among wizards.
> "Not *Dudley* Dursley?" Mr. Weasley was frowning and staring
> straight at Duncan.
SHEILA: <Ron> You've lost age, Dudders. And a large portion of your
horribleness. Weight's still on the rise, though.
> "He's my husband," Mum admitted.
ACE: <Ron> Really? He looks young enough to be your son!
JUNK: <Duncan> It's true. (whispers) Help me...
> Mr. Weasley stared at Duncan a bit longer, his frown deepening.
> Then he burst into laughter.
NACHO: <Duncan> You have no idea how often I get both of those reactions.
> Everyone looked at the redheaded man as though he'd gone mad.
SHEILA: He looked back as though they were right.
> "Serves him right! Who says there's no justice in the world,
> eh?"
ACE: <Duncan> Da always said I was sent to punish him, but I had to hear
it from a Weasley.
> "You don't mean he's related to--?" asked Richard, pointing. He
> had a nasty smile on his face.
JUNK: <Richard> Is it true the women in your family have odd shaving habits?
> "I do indeed," replied his father. Then Mr. Weasley looked
> thoughtful. "That's going to cause problems.
SHEILA: <Ron> Indeed, I can smell them already. Smells like... smoke.
NACHO: <Thomas> He's thinking again... someone go get the bucket of ice
and the chloroform.
> Thomas, you're a
> prefect this year, look after young Duncan this year, would you?
NACHO: <Thomas> Of course. We'll be extra careful when nailing him to
the wall.
> Make sure any trouble doesn't get out of hand?"
ACE: <Thomas> You mean like all those times you kept a tight grip on
"Scabbers"?
> "Yessir," said Thomas, tearing his attention away from Morrigan.
> She looked unhappy with the interruption.
NACHO: <Morrigan> I almost had him hypnotized! Well, there goes lunch.
> One more round of 'goodbyes' later, Mr. Weasley lined the
> children up facing the divider. "Thomas, you've had the most
> experience, show them how."
ACE: <Thomas> Okay, everyone turn and face the divider. Now get behind
someone else who's facing the same way.
> The tall boy took the cart at a brisk walk, and vanished into
> solid stone. Mum gasped, and Morrigan looked around confusedly.
> "Where'd he go?"
SHEILA: Platform 9 3/4! Weren't you paying attention?
ACE: No. (snores)
> "The platform," assured Mr. Weasley. "Peggy, could you take your
> nose out of that book for *one* minute? It's not even a schoolbook!"
SHEILA: <Peggy> But it smells so good!
> The Weasley girl, who'd not said one word so far, snapped the
> book closed and stuffed it away too fast for Duncan to read the
> title.
NACHO: <Duncan> Fun... watch? No, with... Dick... a-hey!
> She too swiftly passed the barrier.
ACE: A lifetime of learning to skip tolls has finally paid off.
> Cuchulain didn't even wait to be told, whooping a bit and going
> at a dead run.
ACE: Little do they know that we've secretly replaced Platform 9 3/4
with a two foot ledge overlooking a two mile drop. Let's see if they notice.
> His mother flinched and seemed relieved when he
> didn't turn into a red paste.
NACHO: <Mrs. O> Thank the Bright Lady it's green!
> Richard strolled more dignifiedly.
>
> "Your turn, Martin."
NACHO: Martin strolled less dignifiedly.
> The small boy shook his head. "Don't want to."
>
> "Come on, my boy. Gryffindors are brave.
ACE: <Martin> And Weasleys are weaselly. That's what Nitox Malfoy told me.
> Even when they're
> afraid, they find the courage to do what has to be done. You'd like
> your mother to be proud of you, right?"
NACHO: <Martin> What's she going to do, hang my best spell on the
refrigerator?
> Martin nodded, and straightened up. He wiped his face with a
> sleeve and marched into the wall.
NACHO: <Martin> *smack!*
NACHO: <Ron> The platform's over here, dear.
> That left Duncan. Mum hugged him once again and gave him a big
> kiss. "I love you, Duncan, and your Da does too, no matter what he
> says."
JUNK: <Duncan> Are you sure? He didn't seem too pleased at the results
of our menage a trois.
> "I love you too, Mum." He had his reservations as to what Da's
> feelings were.
JUNK: <Duncan> He fathered me, but his wrists ARE a little loose....
> Duncan pried her arms off and took his luggage cart
> in hand.
NACHO: Lifting all that with one hand? Who knew our Doughnut was so strong?
>
> Surprisingly, he didn't feel anything as he went through the
> barrier.
SHEILA: Most people feel a lot of discomfort, but Duncan's fat insulated
him perfectly.
> It just suddenly wasn't there, and he was on a bustling
> train platform that looked like he'd stepped backwards in time.
ACE: <Ron> Hermione, stop playing with the Time-Turner.
NACHO: It was supposed to be called the Time Warner-Turner, but WB lost
out in the merger.
> Duncan knew that no one had run engines like that on a British
> railway in nearly fifty years, and the cars were similarly
> old-fashioned, especially with their bright red and gold paint jobs.
NACHO: Duncan's a trainspotter?
ACE: It's one of few activities where you can sit still for hours doing
nothing and not be covered in the smell of fish.
> A man in blue robes with brass buttons and a funny-looking hat
> was shouting, "All aboard the Hogwarts Express! Ten minutes until
> departure!"
NACHO: That IS old-fashioned. Aren't they required to board half an hour
before departure due to the new terrorism threats?
> Duncan left his luggage with the porters, and looked around.
ACE: And that was his first experience with wizard thieves.
> Not
> far down the train, Cuchulain was sticking his head out a window and
> waving. "This way, Duncan!"
SHEILA: <Duncan> But I'll never fit through that window!
> The old-fashionedness of the train extended to semi-private
> compartments with cushiony seats. Cuchulain and Martin were already
> in one, Duncan's friend firmly occupying a window seat.
NACHO: Martin was trying to budge him, but Cuchulain was immovable.
ACE: He's got Duncan's own inertia.
> As other students passed by, Duncan could hear fragments of
> conversation.
NACHO: He wrote them down in his Subscreen notebook for later assembly
into full clues.
> "--owls just aren't the same as texting.
SHEILA: They cost a lot less, for a start.
> And I think this is the
> first time I haven't been carrying a cell phone since the beginning
> of holiday."
NACHO: <Cell Phone Guy> Yes, it's true. I haven't showered all summer.
> "I'll be just as happy to be a little out of touch, but my
> brother had better be recording Prince of Denmark like he promised,
> or I'll show him what new Charms I've learned this year."
ACE: Lucky ones.
NACHO: Why bother recording it, anyway? All these Will Smith vehicles
are the same anymore.
> "Eww! Keep that stupid toad away from my face, or I'll make you
> eat it!"
SHEILA: That's not a toad... that's a mirror.
> "Like your polecat is such a great familiar, I'm so sure."
JUNK: That's not a familiar...
> "--more Muggleborns every year, it seems. I'm working on why
> that is for my NEWT thesis. "
NACHO: <Muggleborns the world over> She turned us into a NEWT!
> "I suppose it's better than yet another 'how Harry Potter beat
> Voldemort' paper;
NACHO: "With magic"
ACE: "With the power of love"
SHEILA: "With the deus ex machina"
JUNK: "With a cat-o'-nine-tails and thousands of drooling fangirls
looking on, fingers at their keyboards"
> I hear the teachers are getting really tired of
> those." Duncan sat up and paid attention at that, but the older
> students had already moved on.
NACHO: People move on from Harry Potter? NEVER!
> He heard the conductor make the final call, and shortly
> thereafter, the whistle blew as the train began to move.
NACHO: <Engineer> Well, there goes the whistle. Guess we'll have to make
this trip without one.
> "Hey, Martin, your dad's out there, you want to wave?" asked
> Cuchulain.
ACE: <Martin> Okay... but you start.
NACHO: <Cuchulain> (stands up and sits down)
ACE: <Martin> (stands up and sits down)
SHEILA: <Duncan> Um... I think I'll give this one a miss, okay?
> The shy boy got up and smiled as he waved.
ACE: <Martin> (through clenched teeth) They have a gun in my back...
send help.
> Since Duncan was looking that way, he didn't see whoever came in
> and sat down with a thump beside him.
SHEILA: That's what he'd tell the inquisitors after sitting on that
person and crushing them.
> "Hoo! Just made it! Imagine, missing the train to Hogwarts, no
> one would ever let me live it down."
SHEILA: Harry Potter managed to get away with it.
> It was a girl's voice.
NACHO: <Captain Rum> (gasps) You have a girl's voice, milord! I wager
that voice has never sung itself hoarse to keep a slavering beast at bay
just long enough to sneak past and steal the goods it were guarding!
> Duncan turned to see it was indeed a girl, about his age, with
> messy black hair tied off with a red ribbon.
ACE: Sounds like a Miyazaki girl. What was she in, Spirited Away?
> She had a pleasant,
> open face with rosy cheeks and a friendly expression.
NACHO: In other words, she's at least half Duncan's width.
> Of course, the
> rosy cheeks might have come from running, and she was breathing
> heavily.
SHEILA: <Girl> (applying heavy blush) Huff, puff... isn't someone going
to notice my chest?
> "Uh, hi." She seemed familiar.
NACHO: I know I say that to all the familiar girls.
ACE: Aren't most familiars... animals?
> "Didn't I see you flying a
> broomstick in Diagon Alley a couple of weeks ago?"
SHEILA: <Girl> (deflated) I thought maybe you recognized me from my
swimsuit ads.
NACHO: <Girl> Could be... I fly my broomstick lots of places.
> "You...saw that?
ACE: I think a lot of people saw that. It was pretty crowded that day.
> Yes, but I think I'm getting the hang of it
> now. Maybe I can even make the Quidditch team someday.
NACHO: All it takes is having been named. Even Ron managed to get
himself a spot.
> Oh, I'm
> Kirsten Kinnock, and this is my cat Jinx."
ACE: This is sounding really familiar now... Sabrina, the Teenage Witch?
NACHO: I really hope her middle name doesn't start with a K.
> The girl indicated a
> black cat that was emerging from behind her.
JUNK: It's possible? When my mom said she was going to have kittens, I
thought she was joking!
NACHO: I was going to do a joke about her sitting on the cat, but I
can't top that.
> "My name's Duncan," and he pulled out the carrying case, "This is
> my chameleon George."
NACHO: That's more sentence structure than I'm comfortable with.
> The lizard was almost black in the shadows.
ACE: <George> Please don't let them see me with this guy....
> "One of my uncles is named George," mentioned Martin. "But I'm
> not sure which one."
NACHO: I can't be sure, but I'd guess it's... Uncle George?
> "Cuchulain O'Shaughnessey at your service, and pleased to meet
> such a pretty colleen." Kirsten frowned a bit at that.
SHEILA: <Kirsten> Colleen's my prettier, smarter, famouser, and
all-around more wonderful older sister.
> "My owl,
> Mountain High, is in the luggage car."
ALL: Mountain High?
NACHO: <George> (reappears) Okay, Doughnut. I forgive you.
> "Mountain High?"
>
> "He's a *big* owl."
NACHO: The forests of Timber are quiet, but the owls are still huge.
> Kirsten rolled her eyes. "And you?"
ACE: <Cuchulain> I'm a big man... but a very, very small owl.
> "Oh, me? I'm Martin Weasley. I haven't got a pet."
NACHO: I am Elmer Fudd, millionnaire. I own a mansion and a yacht.
SHEILA: <Martin> My brothers say pets aren't allowed to have pets.
> "Wait a minute, you said your uncle was named George, George
> Weasley?" Kirsten looked very interested.
NACHO: Well, that WOULD be the natural composition of those names...
ACE: It's a pretty unusual name... FOR A LIZARD!
> Martin said, "Yes. He and my Uncle Fred run a joke shop."
SHEILA: <Martin> They've developed a killer business model. They give
away the jokes for free, but they charge double for the punchlines.
> "Weasley's Wheezes! That's my favorite shop! Except my parents
> won't let me go there unless one of them is right there with me."
NACHO: <Kirsten> They're convinced that I'll get sick. Some people can't
take an colloquialism.
> Kirsten sounded a little resentful.
SHEILA: (nudges Nacho) I think the author fancies her... notice how many
stage directions she's getting?
NACHO: He does seem to be strangely in touch with her emotions.
> "Same here," said Martin. "My father says my uncles are
> 'irresponsible and childish.'
NACHO: But Ron always looked up to the twins!
ACE: That was BEFORE "... And Justice For All" and its sissifying
properties.
> But they've been running their shop
> just fine."
SHEILA: <Martin> They know how to stay three steps ahead of Outland Revenue.
> "What does your father do?" asked Kirsten.
JUNK: <Martin> I don't know, but it makes the whole house shake at night.
> "Something with the Ministry, like Grandfather. He doesn't talk
> about it much."
JUNK: At least, not until Martin's older.
NACHO: He tried, but it was bleeped by the Adult Conspiracy.
> Kirsten nodded. "My mother does potions and herbal remedies."
NACHO: <Kirsten> She also mixes exotic teas, Ethers, Softs, and Phoenix
Downs.
> "My father is an engineer for a construction firm," said
> Cuchulain.
SHEILA: Nobody asked you.
> "And Mother is an artist. She paints unicorns and fairys
> onto rocks and such."
NACHO: <Kirsten> See, they never really went extinct. They're just all
trapped in the rocks.
> Duncan admitted, "Da sells drills."
ACE: <Duncan> He likes to demonstrate them by drilling into pictures of
unicorns and fairies on rocks and such.
> At this point, the sweets trolley, navigated by an
> ancient-looking witch, arrived.
NACHO: (sings) The... sweets trolley, the Hogwarts Ex-press treat!
*ding! ding!*
> Duncan didn't recognize any of the
> brand names on the candy, but it all looked mouth-watering.
SHEILA: What does he care what kind it is? Not like it'll be in his
mouth long enough for him to taste it!
> "Oh, it does an old woman's heart good to see eyes getting so
> wide.
JUNK: <Old woman> All the better to make the eyeball stew that staves
off my angina.
> What'll you have, loves?"
SHEILA: <Duncan> Just leave the trolley here... I'll settle up later.
> Duncan's first impulse was to buy one of everything, but he knew
> that he'd have to make his spending money last at least until
> Christmas.
ACE: <Duncan> I'll take two of everything... that way, I won't need to
buy anything for the rest of the year.
> He focused on remembering that Mum had made him a bag
> lunch that was oversized even by Dursley standards.
NACHO: It's unusual for a Dursley to give anyone else any food at all.
> It seemed that the other children were similarly impoverished,
> with Kirsten having the most discretionary funds.
ACE: Regrettably, she, too, had to use them with discretion.
> They pooled their
> Knuts and bought two items each.
JUNK: Am I the only one who's uncomfortable with Kirsten grabbing the
boys' Knuts?
> There was much haggling over who
> got how much of which thing, though Martin didn't take any of the
> All-Flavor Beans.
NACHO: I guess Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans changed their name recently.
> "I always get spinach flavor," he explained.
>
> "Yuck," chorused the others.
ACE: <Martin> Tell me about it. I've had E. coli seven times.
> Duncan decided, after the tasting, that he liked the Fizzing
> Whizzbees best.
NACHO: <Duncan> I love watching Cuchulain try to say it five times fast.
> There was a knock at the entryway, which proved to be Thomas.
NACHO: Quoth the Weasley, "Nevermore."
SHEILA: <Thomas> I don't see why I have to prove it's me every time.
> "Everything all right in here?" he asked. Duncan saw that he'd
> attached a shiny-looking badge to his robes that read "Prefect."
ACE: <Duncan> You can't be as perfect as you imagine if you can't even
spell it.
> "Fine, Thomas," said Martin quietly.
>
> "Oh, I see you found a pretty girl for your compartment."
NACHO: <Martin> (looks up from gutting Kirsten) I think we'll hang her
over the window. Hand me some cotton?
> Both Martin and Kirsten got redder cheeks. The boy sputtered
> "I-it's not like that, Thomas!"
ACE: <Martin> She's not pretty at all!
> "He's just teasing," said Cuchulain. "And it's not as though
> he's above a little flirting with my sister, eh?"
JUNK: Martin Weasley: Proving that it's never too early to start playing
the field.
> Thomas grinned. "Right you are, lad. But none of that
> cheekiness when you're at school. I'm a respected figure, I am.
NACHO: How respected can he be if he has to ASK for respect?
> And
> you want to be careful around the teachers. Some of them have no
> sense of humor at all."
ACE: There are teachers who have senses of humor?
NACHO: Well, Trelawney was always a joke. Dumbledore went on to become one.
> After getting Kirsten's name, the tall boy went on to check the
> next compartment.
SHEILA: <?????> Um, can I have my name back, please?
NACHO: Without that, she'll have to get off before the Twilight Town stop.
> Polishing off the candy, the children started talking about
> Quidditch.
ACE: <Cuchulain> This is the shiniest Chocolate Frog I've ever seen!
Now, how about those Horned Dragons this season?
> Apparently it was a sport played on broomsticks, with
> multiple balls, some of which attacked the players.
ACE: When you put it THAT way, it sounds almost sensible!
> It sounded
> horribly confusing to Duncan, but then he couldn't figure out cricket
> either, and he'd *played* that.
NACHO: Oh, Quidditch is simple. Catch the Snitch and you win, unless the
rest of your team utterly stinks.
> Despite having presumably ruined their appetites, when lunchtime
> arrived, everyone in the compartment was hungry. So it was out with
> the lunches.
SHEILA: And in with Jenny Craig.
> Martin looked disconsolately at his single sandwich. "Spam.
> Father really isn't a very good cook."
NACHO: <Martin> He lets the Vikings set the menu.
> "Stuffed pancakes here," reported Kirsten. "Oh, and apples."
ACE: The pancakes are also stuffed with apples.
> "Beansprouts and tofu." Cuchulain sighed. "Mother's a
> vegetarian."
NACHO: <Cuchulain> When I want meat, I just tell her I'm nipping out for
"breek and sprorts".
> Duncan felt guilty about his five sandwiches (two peanut butter
> and jelly, one tuna salad, and two roast beef with lashings of
> horseradish), three bulbs of soda pop, and chocolate cake.
NACHO: <Duncan> I always feel sorry for the horses that got lashed.
> Would
> anyone like to have some of mine?" he asked. It was odd, he'd never
> thought of doing something like that before.
SHEILA: <Duncan> But if I give food away, that would leave less for me!
> But then at Fallstone
> Grammar School, the other kids had just grabbed his food without
> asking.
NACHO: In public school, they done grab it the food with out axing.
> "May I please?" said Martin, and when Duncan nodded, tore his
> own sandwich in four pieces. "Then I'll share too."
ACE: That makes it Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam.
> The other two put their food up as well, Kirsten a little
> reluctantly. "I actually *like* stuffed pancakes."
JUNK: Just don't think about it. Just don't think about it....
> They'd made good progress in demolishing the lunch when Richard
> appeared in the doorway, with a couple of other boys his age behind
> him, peeping in.
NACHO: It's the Weasley parade! We have to make sure we establish their
personalities early now that they've been introduced.
ACE: Well, we knew Peggy was a carbon copy of Yomiko Readman from the
moment we heard her name, so I guess she's exempt.
> "Hullo, Martin. My, you're eating like a pig, aren't you?
SHEILA: <Martin> (looks up from trough) I have no idea what you mean.
> Or
> perhaps I should say 'like a Dursley?'" Richard had that nasty smile
> on his face again.
JUNK: <Richard> Did you see that mother? Two words for that tub...
LOOOOOOOOOVE handles.
> Martin paled and shrank against the seat.
NACHO: <Martin> If I make fun of him, he might eat me.
> Kirsten glared at the intruder. "There's no need to be rude,
> you know. We all put in some food."
ACE: Yes... they all put it in Duncan's mouth.
> "Oh, that's nice. But don't you realize who you've got in your
> compartment with you?
SHEILA: <Kirsten> Of course. He's an immense, colossal jerk. Also,
there's me, Duncan, Martin, and Cuchulain.
> That's a--Ow!" Something had bounced off his
> head.
NACHO: <Duncan> Oops. I guess I missed a Chocolate Frog.
> "I should have known you'd be teasing the little ones," came a
> sharp girl's voice.
NACHO: Hedgehog Girl's fighting the small battles now.
> "Can't leave you alone for a moment, can I?"
ACE: <Richard> No, but we all wish you would!
> "Oh come on, Peggy, we were just having a bit of fun.
ACE: Okay, I guess she wasn't exempt.
> Martin
> doesn't mind, do you, old fellow?" Richard's face bespoke later
> hurting if Martin disagreed.
ACE: <Richard> I'll hurt you later if you disagree.
> Martin shook his head, but didn't speak.
NACHO: Martin's head-shake bespoke a desire not to be hurt, and a
yearning for some of that delightful raspberry custard tart.
> Peggy's voice came again.
JUNK: Her voice is simply ORGASMIC! Now we know why she keeps quiet all
the time.
> "I know you better than that,
> Richard. Shove off, or I'll tell the firsties *your* nickname.
JUNK: You mean he's got one other than "Dick"?
NACHO: "Old Snorehead"?
> And
> that goes for you too, Wellington, Chapman."
ACE: I just realized something! Richard is the new Draco! And these two
guys are obviously Crabbe Mark II and Goyle Junior.
SHEILA: And Duncan is the new Harry Potter. Surprise, surprise.
> The two boys behind Richard backed up a bit. One, Duncan
> thought it might be Wellington,
NACHO: Because he smelled like the inside of a boot.
> said, "C'mon, Richard. It's not
> worth it to upset your sister.
NACHO: <Maybe Wellington> She gets so whiny when she pouts.
SHEILA: (smacks Nacho)
> You know she casts spells like a
> seventh-year. I've got Exploding Snap back in my tote bag."
ACE: Yeah, that's a nasty spell.
> Richard shrugged. "It's not as though I haven't got a whole
> year, I suppose.
NACHO: <Richard> I'm not scheduled to ditch school until fifth year.
ACE: <Richard> Too much of the Dark Lord's bidding to do first.
> See you kids later." He and his entourage left.
SHEILA: Aww... how cute. Little Richard has an entourage.
NACHO: <Little Richard> WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
> A moment later, Peggy popped in.
NACHO: Is Apparition legal at her age?
> "I hope my brother didn't
> upset you too much.
ACE: <Cuchulain> Nah. He made Martin cry, but so does Zoobilee Zoo.
> Honestly! Does he think that just because I
> like to read, I don't pay attention to what goes on around me?"
NACHO: <Duncan> By the way... your mascara's uneven, you've got bird
poop on your shoulder, and your shoes are on fire.
SHEILA: <Peggy> And you're fat, but I don't shove THAT in your face.
> "Thanks, Sis," said Martin.
NACHO: But Peggy wasn't paying attention.
> "Is it true that you cast spells at a seventh-year level?" asked
> Kirsten. "You don't look older than a third-year."
ACE: <Martin> That's because I'm only a first-year.
SHEILA: <Peggy> The boys never compliment me like that....
> Peggy looked both proud and bashful.
NACHO: The other occupants of the coach had to be the remaining five dwarfs.
> "I'm not really *that*
> good, but I am better than my big brother.
NACHO: I'm seeing proud... so where's the bashful?
SHEILA: So which big brother is she better than?
ACE: Obviously not Thomas... he's prefect in every way.
> Father says I remind him
> of Mother when she was my age. She was really, really smart."
ACE: Obviously not Hermione, then.
SHEILA: What? Why not?
ACE: He's pushing the Hermione comparison so hard, it has to be wrong.
He's obviously trying to mislead us. But it won't work on me. I'm on to
you, Scott!
> Duncan noticed Peggy was holding the same book as she'd had in
> the station, but now he could see that the title was "Introduction to
> Quantum Physics."
NACHO: Pfft. How smart can she be if she hasn't gotten past the
introduction yet?
> "I thought your father said that wasn't a school book."
ACE: <Peggy> My father thinks Quantum Physics is a toggle group.
> "Oh, not at Hogwarts it isn't." Peggy smiled a little dreamily.
SHEILA: <Peggy> Quantum Physics doesn't even work at Hogwarts.
> "But I want to go to a Muggle university after Hogwarts, so I can
> use science as well as magic.
NACHO: She got that from Grandpa Arthur, I'm sure.
ACE: I didn't think science and magic worked together. Like science and
religion.
> Great strides have been made, but I
> can make greater ones."
SHEILA: Quite an intellectual... she's paraphrasing Neil Armstrong.
> "You get out from under my skirt!" was heard from down the
> corridor, and Peggy sighed.
JUNK: <Peggy> Sounds like Richard's on the prowl again... no, it's
Thomas this time.
> "Someone's familiar has gotten loose again. I'd better go see
> if I can help. Stay lucid, kids."
NACHO: <Duncan> (chokes on his meth in mid-snort)
> "Lucid?" asked Cuchulain when the older girl was gone.
ACE: <Cuchulain> I suppose I really should have gotten that question out
sooner.
> "You got me," said Martin.
>
> "I think it means 'clear-headed'," said Duncan.
NACHO: Of course HE'D know... it has five letters.
> Martin thought about it for a moment. "Sounds right."
SHEILA: He's just used to agreeing with people. Duncan could have said
it means "minty-fresh" and he'd have said it sounded right.
> After they finished the meal and cleared up the rubbish, there
> was a lull in the conversation,
NACHO: Having figured out the definition of "lucid", they had nothing
left to discuss.
> and the gentle swaying of the train
> made Duncan sleepy. He dropped off for what he assured himself would
> be just a short nap.
SHEILA: By Duncan's standards, that could be as long as two days.
NACHO: His assurance just wasn't as reliable as the average alarm clock.
>
> It was already dark when Duncan was shaken awake by Cuchulain.
NACHO: <Cuchulain> Wake up! The moon's out, so our vampiric powers are
at full force!
> "Time to get up, sleepyhead! We're almost there, and we're supposed
> to get into our robes."
JUNK: Ooh, a clothes-changing scene!
> Kirsten had worn hers all along, so she went out into the
> corridor while the boys changed.
JUNK: Awww....
NACHO: It had to be done. There wasn't room in the cabin for four kids
and Duncan's robes.
> Duncan looked out the window. The stars were brighter here than
> he'd ever seen them before.
ACE: That's because they're falling to Earth.
NACHO: It's so the engineer can find the second one to the right and
follow it until morning.
> The countryside was nearly completely
> dark, only distant glows from cottages and a large one that must be a
> village visible.
SHEILA: No illumination at all? I thought the stars were supposed to be
bright.
> The train's whistle sounded again, and Duncan
> thought it both lonely and proud at the same time.
NACHO: And maybe just a bit bashful.
> There was a hushed whispering throughout the train, with only
> one phrase common to all: "We're almost to Hogwarts!"
NACHO: (singing) We're approaching Hogwarts, now we're here at Hogwarts,
pulling into Hogwarts...
>
> TO BE CONTINUED
ACE: And it takes almost as long for this story to get to Hogwarts as
any of the Harry Potter books.
NACHO: Next time, a discarded sofa on the tracks causes a one-chapter
delay, during which Duncan realizes his feelings for Kirsten and she
stomps on his heart.
SHEILA: Then falls off and breaks her neck.
> Hope you like it so far,
> SKJAM!
SHEILA: Yeah, SKJAM! Tell us how you like it!
> "All you need to understand is everything you know is
> wrong."--Everything You Know Is Wrong, Weird Al Yankovic
ACE: I'm sure that quote is relevant... and possibly for a bigger reason
than the Hermione red herring.
SHEILA: Duncan's really a skinny kid wearing a fat suit?
NACHO: Draco's really evil after all, and the nice guy act is all just
part of his plan?
ACE: Tisiphone and Morrigan have joined forces, realizing that it'll
take both of them to eat Doughnut?
SHEILA: Cuchulain's actually Scottish?
JUNK: Harriet's really just a trannie, and Draco's the sub?
NACHO: Actually, that wouldn't be particularly original. Which is very,
very sad.
ACE: But you know what's not sad? That's the end of the chapter!
<END FANFIC>
NACHO: I don't know... I'm a little sad. It looks like we're getting
some interesting characters in the story now, and we'll have to wait
until chapter 5 to see more of them.
SHEILA: We don't have to wait. We could always integrate them into our
outro by playing a game of "Where Are They Now?"
ACE: They're on the Hogwarts Express.
SHEILA: That's in the time period of the story. But the story's in past
tense, indicating that it's already happened, albeit in a universe in
the future. So where will these characters be when the story's over?
NACHO: Ah, I gotcha. So we figure that Duncan will have opened an
all-you-can-eat buffet, which folds after a few weeks due to his abuse
of the employee discount.
ACE: Right, while Dudley will have offended the wrong wizard and long
since been turned completely into a pig... ironically ending up served
in Duncan's buffet.
NACHO: Zelda will have been captured by Ganon one time too many, and
will spend her last minutes watching Link gambole off with Malon before
throwing herself from the tower window.
SHEILA: Harriet Potter, torn by the effects of her gender change and
unable to deal with the unforeseen pressures of being a woman - which
every man underestimates - will become the new Dark Lord and try to
destroy the one wizard who has the power to defeat her, but will end up
sealed away by a mysterious power.
JUNK: Draco, having bound Harriet in the mysterious Leather Straps of
Erotica, will stay by her side and faithfully wait for her reawakening.
NACHO: Cuchulain will be pressured into dropping out of Hogwarts by his
religious mother, and will take a secret side job at birthday parties
doing tricks that are suspiciously realistic, under the imaginative
stage name "Cuckoo Lane".
ACE: Ron Weasley will secure a permanent job in the Magical Mishaps
division of the Ministry of Magic, because that makes it far more
convenient to clean them up when he causes them.
SHEILA: Thomas will become, and will always remain, an insufferable
suckup, following in his Uncle Percy's footsteps. And he still won't be
able to spell "perfect".
NACHO: Peggy will start her own magic library and be turned into an
orangutan.
ACE: Richard will live up to his nicknamesake, but will still turn out
to be an indispensable heroic sidekick and earn everyone's grudging
gratitude. Then he'll start demanding rewards until they change their minds.
NACHO: Martin will spend the entire adventure hiding behind everyone,
which will make it more amazing when he turns out to have the most
powerful spell at his command and no idea how to use it.
JUNK: George and Mountain High will never have anything to do with each
other, but they'll still be the most popular slashfic pairing since
Heero and Duo.
ACE: And Kirsten... I don't think ANYONE knows what's become of Kirsten.
I assume she never learns to fly properly, though.
SHEILA: And there you have it. Until next time, don't take any wooden Knuts!
JUNK: (giggles)
REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING
... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL? is by Scott K. "SKJAM" Jamison
-
Knowing what he now did, Duncan wondered if wizards had something to
do with that.