Huzzah!
Jumping to the head of my too-large, too-stagnant C&C queue...
Eimii wrote:
Disclaimer: Point out a character in this part that Kishimoto _doesn't_
own, and win a dollar! No, really! ...well, not really, but still, on
the off chance that you _did_ find one, i'd wager on it being your
imagination, since all the characters that i know of happen to be the
property of Kishimoto Masashi, and i'm using them without permission, so
there...
Standard C&C disclaimer goes here.
Violence Warning: There are fights in this chapter! More importantly,
Anko is in the general vicinity of one of these fights; you should
probably realize what that means, by now. You have been warned!
Glee!
Harsh Language Warning: Haha! This is the first new warning i've had to
write since these revisions began, because, for the first time _ever_,
i've uncensored all of the '#$)(&' things that everyone seems to hate...
Eh, I don't hate them; they're just a good target for gentle mockery.
Honestly, they were part of the charm, and I'm a little sad to see them go.
But go with whatever you like!
...So yeah, on that note, i should mention that i've made several other
_major_ changes to this chapter since i posted it on fanfiction.net.
This version combines the last three parts of "Breath" in the original
numbering scheme, parts 3, 4 and 5, and incorporates several adjustments
and revisions. Many of these changes are unexpected ripple-effects of
the changes that were introduced in "Green" (much to my chagrin -_-;),
while others were introduced to ease the transitions between sections
and make the story flow better- and then, of course, there are a few
that i made just because i felt like it. In one case, i tried to make a
certain technique more 'thematically approprate' to its creator...
Sounds like fun! Let's get this show on the road!
Oh, and "appropriate".
"You left your forgotten subordinate in quite a bind, you know," he
continued, countering the attacks of the two hostiles with effortless
ease as he lectured the gray-haired shinobi. "They say a maiden's heart
burns like a beacon for the man she loves, but a kunochi is a warrior as
well as a woman. Even if those boys shine brighter, that is no excuse
for letting Sakura-chan's flame go untended."
It is probably worth mentioning that your Gai cracks me up. :)
"Hah!" Fading into view behind Gai's opponents just as the first one
fell, Anko reached around and grabbed the remaining sound nin under the
chin, spinning him like a top as she ripped out his throat. "I think I'm
more worried about the way the she keeps sticking her hand in the fire!"
she quipped, leering like a maniac and licking the blood from her
fingers.
...I do believe that's the "thematically appropriate" change.
Fun!
Also, "remaining Sound nin"
*She- she _stole_ my metaphor! And before Kakashi could even react to
it!* Trembling at the indignity, but still impressed by the brunette's
ironic timing, Gai was reluctantly forced to call this match with
Kakashi a draw on account of interference.
Hee.
She was forced to shout her next question over screams of pain, as a
sound ninja with her needles sticking out of his eye sockets stumbled
past them and fell through the hole Gai had punched in the wall. "Y'mind
telling me what the hell you're doing, sending my clone off on some
errand in the middle of a battle?"
Again with the capitalization of Sound nin. If the lower-case is what
you intend, there's a capitalized "Sound nins" in one of the first
paragraphs that should be changed instead.
Won't comment on those further if there are any more; I'm sure you can
find and deal with them as you see fit.
*Shit, we've gotta be getting close to Sasuke by now! It's now or
never!*
Trying not to fall out of the canopy as she split her focus, Sakura
strung together the seals to form a single, slightly unusual bunshin.
Thanks to her genjutsu, she was reasonably sure the team of Hidden Sound
nins she was shadowing hadn't noticed her, but one of them was bound to
sense her hostile intent sooner or later.
Given the situation, it might be good to include some clue as to _which_
Sakura we're dealing with here, the real one or Anko's clone.
To keep her mind clear in the moments it took to catch up, Sakura
concentrated on adjusting the weapons she had hidden in her kimono. The
ones she'd be counting on the most were a tad slippery, but she didn't
have time to worry about it now. Clamping down on her pre-fight jitters
until they rattled around like knife-edged dice in her stomach, Sakura
threw herself into the fray.
Well, I guess the "kimono" does it, but it _is_ a little subtle.
This frank observation gave team seven's kunoichi a moment of pause.
"And if I am?" she ventured warily.
Capitalize "team seven"?
Moving out of the thickest part of the haze, Sakura reappraised her
opponent. At a distance, she couldn't touch Temari; when she threw
needles, the cloaking effect on them faded fast if she didn't use a
'shadow' ruse, giving Temari plenty of time to dodge and counter with a
wind blast.
If she closed to melee range, however, she would be totally exposed, and
she didn't like her odds in that situation; Temari was looking a lot
fresher than she felt after, fighting those Sound nins. Striking with
ranged attacks from just outside of Temari's 'zone' was probably her
best bet, but first she had to find out how close she could get before
Temari could sense her.
Missing new-line there.
*Ah, there was a river in this direction. Not a poor tactical choice,*
Shino observed thoughtfully. Submerging herself in water would be far
more effective than attempting to manually remove the bugs, but that
plan could also easily backfire. Shino's speculations were realized when
the trees parted and he caught sight of the ANBU dragging an unmoving
body away from the riverside.
Landing and alerting the fox-masked ninja to his presence, Shino nodded
in greeting. The girl gave him only a cursory glance of acknowledgement.
She spared another knowing look at the bugs streaming toward him from
Temari's body before continuing her examination of the blonde.
Another.
Moving away from the group, Sakura changed directions as soon as she was
out of sight; she wasn't getting any closer to that monster than she had
to. *What he hell is with that, anyway?* She'd have to review her
clone's memories carefully once they returned to her.
One has to wonder whether Anko gets the memories too...
At first nothing seemed to happen, but then she felt a presence nearby.
Looking up, she saw her doppelganger land on a branch a few yards away.
Crumbling where she fell, the pink-haired girl clutched the tree beneath
her and started trembling like a leaf.
"Hey!" Sakura called softly, waving to the clone. "Are you okay? What's
wr-"
So I guess the clone didn't get caught by Gaara this time...
"...uuuuaaaAAAAGGH!" Emitting a barely human scream of agony, the
bunshin tensed up like she was having a seizure and then suddenly
_exploded_ into a fountain of steaming red blood and black serpentine
forms.
....ah. So _that's_ the "thematically appropriate" change. Nasty.
She nearly wet herself as the pain came- agony beyond imagining, like
her insides were tearing themselves apart and trying to escape. Reaching
a terrible crescendo with her 'death,' the torture only intensified as
her perception then seemed to shatter into a million pieces like a
broken funhouse mirror.
The pain and confusion multiplied horribly as she realized she was
seeing through the eyes of the snakes. Hunger and bloodlust filled her,
driving her to kill and be killed over and over again, consuming her own
flesh in a mad, suicidal frenzy.
It's kind of a shame that we don't get to see what would happen if Gaara
ran into the snakes. Could be interesting.
Also, sheesh. Like your Sakura didn't have enough psychological
troubles already. Even setting aside the obvious issues with getting
those memories, she's going to have a hell of a guilt trip...
(There are also some really _nasty_ explanations one could use for why
the clone came up to Sakura before its destruction, if one was going to
go that way...)
Quickly slipping beneath this unrelenting stream of torment, Sakura
barely noticed when deep shadow fell upon her, but in the moments before
the unconsciousness finally claimed her, she looked up to see a great,
sandy claw descending, and then she saw no more...
- S U I R E N -
To be continued...?
This would be a much nastier cliff-hanger if I didn't already know that
the story wasn't over. :)
Overall, I liked the changes. Anko's clone technique now has _no_
problems with feeling like a forbidden technique.
No complaints; exhortation to keep up the good work and
"zomgudpateplzkthxbye" goes HERE.