This is a bit (cough) late, but it's intentional (not to mention inevitable).
My backlog sucks. Oh yeah, fix formatting of this fic to plaintext, please. I
realize that, unlike the last time, this fic doesn't contain any smart quotes,
but there are several non-ascii characters left here and there that need to be
purged. See C&C below for further details.
Standard Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am not
God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
It also occurs to me that my non-godly lexicon may not be at par with yours, so
any unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
Ah, yet another recurring villain, er, victim... ^_^;
On 8/31/06, Zorknot <zorukonotsu@yahoo.com> wrote:
Why is it every time I post to the ffml I feel like an idiot? Maybe if I
posted more frequently than once or twice a year I'd know better. Or maybe I'm
just an idiot-_-
Don't be so hard on yourself. Anyway...
My, you sure have been pinged and ponged by quite a lot of people in the FFML
so many months ago. But you know what? I don't think it should matter that much
to you. I'm not saying that you should ignore their respective points, but
their, er, overzealousness over certain things and subjects shouldn't deter you
from posting. After all, it's fanfic (and worthwhile feedback to the fanfic)
that's the bottom line of the FFML, not the debate threads concerning nitpicks.
Oh, speaking of nitpicks, you replied to me over two years ago that:
I agreed with most of the other corrections.
("segwayed" is a word, I don't care what you or
Webster's dictionary says:-)), and I'll probably post
a revision fairly soon.
Let me just clarify... 'segwayed' should be spelled 'segued'. 'Segued' is
pronounced as 'segwayed', but shouldn't be spelled as 'segwayed' nor be
pronounced as 'seeged'. As such, 'segwayed' is, and forever will be, a
non-word. Not to be confused with Segway PT.
Weird Al Yankovic: (singies) ~They see me roll on... my Segway... I know in
their heart they think I'm white and nerdy...~
Now that we've cleared the air and some such...
Thyself Known
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Zorknot
Ch.9: Second Chances
DISCLAIMER: |^|_||^^|1|<0 15 +3|-| 5|_||>|^3|^^|3 4|_|+|-
|0|^Z0|^!!! <|-|4|^4<+3|^5 4|^3 |-|3|^5, |&|0+ |^^|1|\|3.
Er... it's definitely a shorter, more 'ASCII'-friendly disclaimer than mine.
You don't fail at life, but you certainly do fail at readability of the
disclaimer... though I personally believe this isn't that much of a big deal
despite numerous FFML protests to the contrary.
Grammar Nazi [(C) Aeire, Queen of Wands]: Nonsense. There's no excuse for bad
grammar. Ever. And to those who use Netspeak and/or l33tspeak--Sie verdienen,
scheibe zu essen, erbrechen sich urin und pinkeln blut. HEIL HITLER!
Hiro Kawagami is a police officer who recently saved
Nabiki's life. Copycat used his blanket to turn Hiro into a
physical copy of Hoko, but Hiro has latent magical abilities
which kept the eyes from changing color and which allow
Hiro to talk with Hoko.
That... sounds a bit contrived for a plot point, in retrospect.
~~~~~an alley in nerima~~~~~
Revise: nerima --> Nerima
Also: An Alley in Nerima
Furthermore: Suggest merging this 'setting note' with the first sentence, to
avoid awkwardness in prose, or getting rid of the "An Alley in Nerima"
altogether since it can be surmised from the context of the dialogue itself.
Something like this:
'In an alley in Nerima, Ranko tried to stop her tears...'
Ditto with all the other 'setting notes' found throughout the fic.
The trouble was, she didn't want to fight anybody. She was
sick of all the fighting. The fianc�es, Ryoga, Akane, her
Formatting error: The fianc�es --> The fiancees
danger, but Nabiki no longer had a sense of prudence to
combat his sense of honor. That had all been forced into
Ranko.
One would think that Nabiki's prudence would have helped Ranko choke back those
girly tears. Then again, as I've said a million times, Ranma's a crybaby.
Ranko snorted some mucus back up her nose and wiped the
rest off with her sleeve. "Maybe..." her mouthed curved into
Revise: her mouthed --> her mouth
Also, suggest: her --> Her
a shadow of her usual smirk, "but if you don't give him his
chance my stupid sense of honor will keep screwing with
Revise: chance, my stupid
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
you, and you won't be able to fight him at all."
"I don't like it. You're not trying to sacrifice yourself to protect
me or anything like that are you?"
Revise: like that, are you? (missing comma, Grammar Rule #21 all over again)
"I just want you to be able to fight him...if you have to. I
mean...if I can't defeat him..." Ranko knew Nabiki stood no
chance of beating the doppelganger, she also knew that
Suggest: doppelganger, she --> doppelganger, and she
Ranma heard a clang of metal. She whipped her head up
toward the fire escape above them and saw the cold glint of
a gun barrel. "Nabiki! DUCK!" Ranko shoved the cycle
toward the the shooter, hoping that Nabiki would follow the
toward the the shooter --> toward the shooter (extra 'the')
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any
words.
"You're not exactly honoring our agreement, are you Nabiki?
Nabiki: Yes, of course I'm Nabiki! Who else do you think I am?
Suggest: agreement... are you, Nabiki?
Or: agreement... Are you, Nabiki?
Protecting her like this?" a voice called from the fire escape
as Ranko followed Nabiki up the stairs but just as Nabiki was
getting up, another shot rang out. The bullet slammed into
his chest, knocking him down into Ranko's arms.
That was rather anticlimactic.
~~~~~furinkan high school, assistant principal's office~~~~~
Yeah, like I said before, I don't like this 'setting note' style of yours,
however convenient it may be to you. And if you really have to insist on using
this, then at the very least use Title Case, i.e. don't small-cap the proper
nouns.
Akane couldn't be happier. The assistant principal had finally
returned with the permission form after only an hour and a
half of waiting.
Is this a subtle jab at Japanese School Administrations' red tape? 'Only' an
hour and a half?
Akane: (shrugs) We students are so used to the red tape that an hour and a half
seems like fast service for us.
He looked just as relieved as Akane when
they were done signing. He had actually told Akane thank
you.
Suggest: He had actually thanked Akane./He had even thanked Akane.
When they were outside the school grounds Cologne
Suggest: grounds, Cologne
stopped and turned to Akane. "You did well, girl. For all your
squirming, you still managed to compose yourself. Patience
is not a skill you can learn in one sitting however." Cologne
Suggest: sitting, however." Cologne
Akane was only half paying attention as she was still trying
to match the Amazon elder's pace. Cologne halted suddenly
causing her to stumble a little as she tried to stop.
Suggest: Cologne halted suddenly, causing Akane to stumble a little as she
tried to stop.
"Huh? No. Well, I've seen him in the hall before once or
twice but he's pretty reclusive most of the time." Akane
answered.
Revise: twice, but he's pretty reclusive most of the time," Akane answered.
You know why there's a comma after 'time'? Because "Akane answered" doesn't
stand by itself. It wouldn't make sense to get rid of the dialogue and just say
"Akane answered" by itself. What did she answer? She answered the words "Huh?
No. Well, I've... (etc, etc)". Hence this needs to be punctuated as one
sentence.
As a quick rule of thumb: If you could add an "And then" after the dialogue and
it still makes sense and still means the same thing, you should use start a new
sentence:
"...but he's pretty reclusive most of the time." And then Akane answered.
This certainly doesn't mean the same thing, so it should be one sentence rather
than two.
for your family like she does, and for so many years; Nabiki
in maintaining the finances for her exploits, and gathering
Extra space in between 'in' and 'maintaining'.
"Yeah. Nabiki's real patient. She certainly took her time
tearing off Ranma's clothes so she could fuck him in the
Tsk, tsk. Gratuitous cussing; the bane of fanfic.
"No I'm not." Akane argued, "If I were jealous I'd want
Revise: "No, I'm not." Akane argued, "If I were jealous, I'd want
Or: "No, I'm not," Akane argued. "If I were jealous, I'd want
something she had. I don't want Ranma. She can have the
jerk!" Taking a breath she said with more calmness. "Maybe
Revise: Taking a breath, she said with more calmness, "Maybe
"Who told you that?" Akane yelled stepping in front of the
Amazon elder.
Revise: Akane yelled, stepping in front of the
"Oh." Akane said, deflated. "But I'm over that now. I
Revise: "Oh," Akane said, deflated.
mean...well, okay, sometimes I wonder just how it is that
Suggest: mean...Well, okay,
Kasumi gets treated like a saint when all she does is cook
and clean and act like a ditz."
Nitpick: I highly doubt that Akane has that kind of opinion over Kasumi. Sounds
more like what fandom would say.
"Tell me, girl" Cologne looked Akane in the eyes. "What
Tell me, girl --> Tell me, girl. (missing period)
have YOU done?"
Akane tried to think of some response as the little old woman
walked past her. "I helped Ranma!" she remembered, "I've
helped him out plenty of times."
There are times that I get the feeling that this weird li'l fic is a
barely-disguised rant passed off as an actual story. Take that as you will.
"The reason you're jealous of your sisters, is that they have
This time around, you don't need the comma after 'sisters'. Use that comma in
more appropriate places, please.
patience while you do not. You're jealous of Ranma for the
same reason."
"Ranma is NOT patient."
"I agree. He is not. Compared to you though, he's a stone.
No he is not. If he were stone, he wouldn't be teasing Akane and he wouldn't be
affected by everything that she does or happens to her.
"Child, remember that when I speak of patience I speak not
only of the ability to wait, but of the ability to act when it is
required...to do what is prudent at a given time even when
Suggest: required; to do what
you are not inclined to. In order to possess this ability you
Suggest: this ability, you
"I'm a martial artist too, you know." Akane snapped back.
9_9
Oh, and...
Revise: you know," Akane
circumstance to do so. You are not a martial artist." Cologne
turned away from Akane, craning her head back, she said
one last thing before bounding off across the rooftops: "Not
yet."
Cologne: Maybe after being transferred to another dimension full of demons and
having training from a chicken-man from an ancient race who invented the
martial arts, you'll become one. _Maybe_.
Akane stood on the sidewalk for several moments, thinking.
She wanted to protest what Cologne had said, but the words
kept sticking to her and she couldn't shake them off. Maybe
she wasn't really a martial artist. But then what was she?
Just a normal school girl that happened to practice martial arts with a passion
reserved for a sportswoman... but on the other hand she's well-rounded on other
things not involving swimming and cooking. Not exceptional, but definitely
above average. Oh, and has quite a temper to boot.
Akane raise her head up higher.
Revise: Akane raised her head up higher.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
She loved him, she hated him. She was his friend, his
fianc�e. Now it was clear to her. Ranma was her rival.
Formatting error: fianc�e --> fiancee
Akane's eyebrow twitched just a little. For a brief moment
she almost got just the tiniest bit angry at having to wait so
long by the door when Yuka had TOLD her that she'd be in
Y'know, in canon, Akane very rarely displays her anger to other people save
Ranma and his teasing. It's not that she's _incapable_ of being angry at other
people, but her main trigger was always centered toward Ranma
(misunderstandings about Ranma, Ranma teasing her, Ranma doing something
dishonorable/perverse/whatnot, etc. etc.)
After Sayuri left. Akane opened her duffle bag. Then she
stuck her head in the bag and screamed into the cloth of her
gi.
(raises an eyebrow)
Composing herself, Akane took a breath. She would learn
patience on this trip. She would train, hone her skills, and
learn patience. She was an Amazon after all.
an Amazon, after all.
trigger and Nabiki, male for some reason Copycat hadn't
quite figured out yet, was on his back writhing and holding
his chest, dark red blood already staining his fingers. ...still
alive...not for long though.
Revise, suggest: fingers; still alive...not for long, though
Also: dark red --> dark-red
Ranma was crying over him like, well like a girl. Something
Suggest: like, well, like a girl. Something
Why was he having trouble with that?
Why couldn't he move now, after killing so many people to
get to this moment?
Hmmm. Plot point? Contrivance?
Ranma to understand what had happened to him. He
wanted the bitch to feel it. He didn't want to kill Ranma, he
wanted Ranma to beg for death.
It's moments like this that villains suffer from the Death Trap syndrome...
that is, their Death Traps appear as anything but.
squealing metal on metal. It took Copycat a moment to
realize that the fire escape was falling toward him, along with
quite a few bricks and pieces of mortar.. He scrambled
Extra period after 'mortar.'
When the dust cleared, Ranma was standing beside a
massive pile of debris, her eyes burning into him. She was
so short she almost had the look of a petulant child, but her
aura was frightening. It grew blacker and blacker, stealing
energy from the air until it grew so cold Copycat could see
his breath.
Nice descriptive prose over here.
She envisioned the apple gaining structure, becoming real.
There was a weight now in her hand. Ranko let it drop.
"Eat that," she told Nabiki, "It will heal you. I saw Happosai
do it."
(eyebrow raised) Again, the Twilight Zone/Eerie Indiana/Are you Afraid of the
Dark? elements of your fic are making itself known. That, or yet another
Ranmavatar's bending reality again.
memory as much as it had ever been Nabiki's. She felt her
trigger finger tighten. She wanted to kill. Ranko's eyes
opened once more. If she killed this nameless shapeshifter
Suggest: shape-shifter
cannot be filled, however. Some problems that keep
returning after they're solved. Second chances to make a
Suggest: they're --> they were
ripped and twisted through the metal fire escape, making a
horrible screeching and moaning sound. The bullet
ricocheted off a manhole cover farther down the alley.
farther --> further
Strong, sharp lines of ki descended slightly from the
shapeshifter's fists. Nekoken, Ranko registered, but she took
no time to wonder at how the monster knew the technique.
She jumped above the shapeshifter's slash and threw
another Tobu Sennuki down at him. The move tore the
You do know that Ranko knows enough techniques and canon variations of the
Hiryu Shoten Ha that he doesn't need a fan-invented one, right?
Gathering ki, she prepared to release another Tobu Sennuki.
Before she could finish it, however, the shapeshifter lunged
at her in an unmistakable nekoken move.
Suggest: Nekoken
She launched off the wall onto the roof of the building with
the ruined fire escape to gain some distance. The
shapeshifter started convulsing again, this time collapsing to
Formatting nitpick: put 'shapeshifter' (sic) in the 'the ruined fire...' line.
This would be only the second time in eleven years she ever
purposely let the cat take over. Her fear of cats could bring it
out of her, and yesterday Shampoo and Nabiki, two other
people with the nekoken,
This universe of yours is like Dragonball Z... every other character knows how
to do the special attack (i.e., Kame Hame Ha, ki-blast, etc.).
a moment whether it was his skin touching the fur or his fur
touching the skin. He pondered this for a minute or so and
then when he finally remembered why the idea was
ridiculous he found the thought so disturbing he moaned.
The Shadow Cat (Hearts of Ice): Enjoy my... gift.
Back in the darkness Ranma became convinced that Genma
darkness, Ranma
was not his father anymore. Somehing had possessed his
Somehing --> Something
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
I'll just put my soapbox here. (ahem) Thing is, after reading Exar's "Pops", I
can't help but feel that this portrayal of the Ranma-Genma relationship has a
bit fanon and traces of Genma-bashing in it. Then again, it is struggling to be
as impartial as possible, and Ranma thinking that way isn't too far off. Still,
fanon.
father, eaten his soul. It was a large, female, humanoid cat
figure. Her name was Ba Shiteto.
The Shadow Cat: (harrumphs)
She nibbled at Genma's
soul, like the cats nibbled at the fish tied to Ranma's body.
...Or perhaps fanwanking. Or fanfic plot point. (sigh) If only it wasn't done
so many times before, it'd be halfway interesting, IMO.
wasn't really his father. Ba Shiteto rubbed in between his
ears and said that there was a way but that Ranma would
have to let go of his humanity and become what he was
meant to be.
The paragraph sounds awkward. Please revise.
"I don't understand," Ranma responded, "I'm
not human, I'm a cat."
Only this came out as a terrible yowl/scream.
Suggest: Er... pick either, but don't use both.
paused for a moment. But the situation was different. If
killing the monster meant losing something... then it was lost
the moment Nabiki was shot.
Sounds rather dark for Ranma. From being merely weird in the last chapter, your
fic has circled to dark.
My unsolicited advice to you would be... to read Nekoken fics _not_ to take a
few of their ideas to incorporate as your own, but to see and avoid the
pitfalls, cliches, and commonalities when writing this fic. I appreciate the
intricate plot point and back story, but I'd probably appreciate it more if you
can suspend my disbelief and tread a new, exciting path that'll make your fic
not read like all the other Nekoken fics out there.
Dude, the reason I gave your fic such high recommendation two years ago is that
it reads so uniquely. Portraying the Nekoken in this particular scene in such a
'been there, done that' manner detracts so much to the story, IMO.
This was the creature
that had attacked her mate? She would kill it, and because
she was feeling a little hungry, perhaps she'd eat a little off
its flesh.
(shrug) Suggest: little of its flesh
Also: Ew.
He hated death of any kind really, but at the moment he
NEEDED to do something he hated... just to reconnect with
the world. He felt more like stabbing himself repeatedly with
a rusty blade, but going to a morgue would do in pinch. Less
messy anyway.
(sweatdrops) The insights that this person is giving out to the reader reminds
me, for good or for ill, of a goth's diary. Scrap that, of a goth's livejournal
entry. Double the angst at no extra cost. Not really criticism per se (though
it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck); these are just my initial takes
on it, and 'goth's livejournal entry' is the first thing that popped up in my
mind.
~Yeah, well, you're just a girl now too. Besides, you're what,
7 years older than me? I guess that makes you a wise old
7 --> seven
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
man.~ Hiro could sense Hoko rolling her non-existent eyes.
non-existent --> nonexistent (dictionary-verifiable, no need for the hyphen)
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Immediately he regretted coming.
Suggest: Immediately, he regretted coming.
Also: He immediately regretted coming. (flows better, IMO)
All the bodies were locked into silver drawers in the wall, out
of sight. But Hiro could feel them like a worm sliding through
his intestines. He could hear them in the back of his mind
like a musical ensemble comprised of dentists' drills and
nails on chalkboard.
Sounds exactly like the Psycho theme to me. The 'weird, horror' elements of
your fic are showing themselves once again.
He turned back around and walked to one of the drawers.
"'Arasu, poru Yoriku!'" Inamura said, seeming to quote
something as he rolled out the cadaver. "Ah nu hin,
Horasho.'"
"What?" Hiro asked.
"It's English. Shakespeare actually," Inamura informed.
(sweatdrops) And a select few of the readers actually got that. Not the fact
that it's a Shakespeare quote, mind you, but the fact that you're using
Japanese phonetics to pronounce an English quote.
"There's a scene where Hamlet, a young prince, finds the
grave of a fool that once played with him when he was a
child, and laments the passing of happier times." Inamura
pulled back the cloth covering the corpse. "This fool... was
my brother."
Er, you're kind of belaboring the point there, Inamura.
Hiro was beginning to put the pieces together. The man he
punched out---no, not a man, a quivering mass of sewer
sludge masquerading as one, a boil on the ass of the
Though I kind of like the way you can shift the prose from formal to informal
the same way Dante's 'Divine Comedy: The Inferno' reads, I can't help but feel
that the use of cuss words in the narrative itself can be a bit excessive at
times. Please balance it out as much as possible.
lowliest devil in seven hells fashioned somehow into the
basic shape of humanity, the rapist and murderer of fourteen
teenaged girls who had gotten off scott free---
Revise: scott free --> Scott-free/scot-free
brother?" Hiro's tone was deeply accusatory. Even through
the higher pitch of Hoko's vocal chords the words seemed
cloaked in ominous darkness.
Revise: vocal chords, the words
"Yes, I'm afraid so. This corpse, which until recently had the
good sense to remain still," Inamura raised his hand in a
"stop" gesture which seemed to cause the zombie to flinch in
apprehension, "Was once my elder brother, Inamura
Yusuke. When we were kids he used to give me piggy back
Revise: When we were kids, he used (add natural pauses in dialogue by reading
the dialogue out loud and keeping note of which parts need natural pauses)
Also: apprehension, "was once (that part of the dialogue is still part of a
_continuous_ sentence, so don't cap 'was')
"Changed after the first rape charge. My father disowned him
and I swore to make it my life's work to put scum like him
behind bars."
You said the fic would get weirder and weirder. For me, it's becoming darker
and darker...
"Thirty-five years I spent chasing after my brother and his
Suggest: I spent thirty-five years chasing (flows better, methinks)
Also: See? This time around, you're using the word version of '35'. Grammar
Rule #fifty-six and all that. Next time, be consistent on how you 'spell out'
numbers, mmkay?
"Trying to stay alive. Like all magical beings he needs a
Suggest: beings, he
source of energy. Nerima is one such source. There are
others.
Juuban, for instance, is a popular destination for anime fandom.
I'd bet the place Ranma and his friends got their
curses is another example. Usually a source is one or more
of three things. Either its an opening in the ground, such as a
Either its --> Either it's
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.
spring or volcano, a site of extreme evil, or of extreme
tectonic pressure."
Oh yeah. The crater that is now Mugen Academy is a specific site of magical
power.
~YOU ALWAYS WERE WEAK, LITTLE BROTHER.~
"You know that part about him getting his shit together in
another life?" Hiro said.
"Yeah?"
"Not likely."
Aw. He couldn't even lie to Inamura so that we can have a half-'awww' and a
half-'heh' moment?
Zombie: ~YOU ALWAYS WERE WEAK, LITTLE BROTHER.~
Inamura: So what'd he say?
Hiro: Er, he said he'll miss you too.
~YEAH JUST GIVE UP, PANSY ASS. YOU GOT A LUCKY
Revise: YEAH, JUST GIVE UP,
SHOT WITH THAT PUNCH. YOU'D NEVER BE ABLE TO
DO THAT AGAIN. YOU DESERVE THAT BODY YOU'RE IN
NOW. HEH I CAN JUST FEEL THAT VIRGIN PUSSY
SLIDING OVER MY COCK. MMM MMM MMM!~
Revise: HEH, I CAN JUST FEEL THAT
Or: HEH. I CAN JUST FEEL THAT
Also: MMM, MMM, MMM!
Ah, yes. This also reads very much like the Exorcist. But is it genuinely
horrifying or just plain terrible? To early to tell, methinks.
"What is it?" Hiro asked, "What do they sacrifice?"
"Again it takes a different form for every person, but if you
ask me, what it amounts to is...humanity."
A bit cliche, but the little remark works wondrously with the setup of the
whole conversation. You mentioned in your last chapter that you were planning
to make original fics... I'm guessing they'll look a bit like this if ever that
comes to fruition.
When he had found out he could hurt himself and heal
instantly with the blanket he had become an avid masochist.
blanket, he had become an avid masochist.
At first he hurt himself out of a sort of training regimen so
that he would be able to continue to fight while injured.
Son Goku: (nods sagely while chewing a senzu bean in his mouth)
Soon
though, he began to enjoy it. Each slice of blade or searing
Revise: slice of the blade (add 'the')
of flesh connected him with the world, allowed him to feel
something other than the emptiness of being alone. Of not
having an identity.
Goth LJer: (nods sagely as he plays with Rippy the Razor) Is it down the street
not across the block or across the street and not down the block?
Even before that previous fight with Ranma he had felt apart
Revise: Ranma, he
It's filler episode, oneshot character angst.
Copycat Ken: I feel like I've been hastily created for the sake of being
defeated by Ranma! It's not fair! I have feelings too!
from society. An orphan without even foster parents or
school to give him some semblance of a normal life, all he
could do was go from town to town copying martial arts
techniques and challenging the masters. Fighting was the
only thing that gave him purpose. A purpose that Ranma had
taken away, simply by being better.
Awwww. And here I thought he'd go the tried and true route of 'I have no
identity, so I steal the identities and lives of others so that I'd feel like
somebody' angst, not the more cliche 'fighting for the sake of feeling alive'
angst.
How do you defeat someone whose abilities go beyond skill?
Carver and Hale's Self-Extraction services? Stop reading Oneshot Wong's fics
and not over-hype Ranma's above-average martial arts abilities?
Still, even this sacrifice had not prepared him for this battle.
Ranma was relentless,
Reikoku: Eyng?
The power of the blanket was not infinite, it could only pull so
much mass from nullspace before it needed replenishing.
Copycat's various severed limbs were turning into a thick
IMO, you don't need the 'a' in 'a thick'.
smoke and being sucked back into nullspace, but the
process was slow, and Ranma was very very fast.
Revise: very, very fast.
He could not run away.
Shinji Ikari: (pouts)
Ranma was too fast. He could not try
to counter attack.
counter attack --> counterattack (dictionary-verifiable, no need to separate
the two words)
But his words were cut off by the retort from the pistol in
Ranma's hand--- that and the bullet that coursed through his
cerebral cortex, subsequently exploding out of his occipital
lobe and embedding itself a full two centimeters into the
concrete of the roof below.
So the narrative was done by Gil Grissom all of a sudden?
Nabiki looked quizzically down at her breasts, which had
suddenly been restored to her. Oh, she realized, I was
lusting after male Ranma. Too much for the male side to
cope with I guess.
Revise: cope with, I guess. (adds a natural pause, methinks)
she even have a public image anymore? Her televised urban
ailurophilic sexcapade with Ranma had to have shattered
any standing Nabiki had. It was at least a nasty mark on her
escutcheon.
Now you're just taking it too far with the Thesaurus words.
things from afar, be the axis upon which the craziness of
Furinkan High School turned. Why the hell did she have to
go and fall in love with Ranma Saotome?
Because she's in a fanfic, and as a general rule of fanfic, Nabiki must be
paired up with Ranma, even if Antvasima claims her to be a Prada-wearing Devil.
It was Ranko Saotome now though. Ranko was 100% girl
First off: now, though.
Second off: 100% --> one-hundred percent
now, and Nabiki was still in love with her. On top of
everything, she was now technically a lesbian.
That's also fairly common in Ranmafic.
It would be okay. Sure she could get upset about it, bemoan
Suggest: Sure, she could
the loss of her "reputation", but really what sort of a
Suggest: but really,
charge for perversion. The next day, she started selling her
own pictures. She found it kind of fun actually. The
Revise: kind of fun, actually.
domination poses she did with the black leotard and whip
Shouldn't 'domination' be 'dominatrix'?
Nabiki closed her eyes and breathed. Okay. She was now
an epistemotransexual in love with a former aquatransexual
martial artist who was borderline psychotic, which is what
which is what --> which was what
Grammar Rule #55 all over again.
attracted her to...her in the first place. She had saved her
fiance(e) from a sadistic geriatric manipulator of liquid metal
...The second terminator in Terminator 2, only now he manipulates Cologne and
Happosai to do his bidding?
could see auras now, due to having had a near-death
experience, and could now apparently start the engines of
motorcycles with her mind. Furthermore, she now had an
alternate personality that was a cat, and while in that
personality she had had unprotected sex in the middle of a
city intersection.
Up until now, you still haven't put the 'Twilight Zone-Ranma 1/2 Crossover' tag
on the subject line. It _should_ be there.
Nabiki's eyes popped open "Oh gods, what if I'm pregnant?"
Nabiki's eyes widened further. "Oh lordy, what if I give birth to a litter?"
For a while everything was still. Only Ranko's breathing and
For a while, everything was still.
this position for eternity. During the fight, everything had
been easy. Fun, even. Only now in the stillness, did she
stillness did she (comma muyo)
but of good quality. The lens had the words "made in japan"
It should be 'Made in Japan'
One second the camera was on the middle of the dark
green, folded blanket. The next it was floating half a meter in
the air, the blanket hanging from its base.
Suggest: One second, the camera
Also: green, folded blanket; the next, it was
Startled, Ranko shot squeezed the trigger of the pistol,
'shot squeezed'? If that's an actual compound descriptor, then: shot-squeezed
(though I highly doubt it)
Otherwise, pick: 'squeezed the trigger of the pistol' or 'shot the pistol'.
Also, suggest: Ranko shot squeezed (sic) the trigger of the pistol, hitting a
corner of the camera --> Ranko squeezed the trigger, discharging a shot that
hit a corner of the camera.
The camera morphed and distorted until it was a circular
mouth with serrated teeth all along its edge, attached to what
was once the blanket. The blanket, too, changed, unfolding,
straightening, thickening, and growing more pale until it was
a greenish white, chitonous, square section of a much larger
creature.
This Evangelion-reminiscent 'wtf' moment is brought to you by Zorknot: He knows
his weird.
Suggest: greenish-white (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
Another section like this one followed as the thing
that had been masquerading as a camera seemed to shoot
out of a hole in the doppelganger's side. In only seconds,
five more sections, each about half a meter long came out of
null space.
Suggest: five more sections (each about half a meter long)
Also: five more sections, each about half a meter long,
Nabiki was busy trying to make sense of the creature that
rose up into the sky from the roof, when the blue mist came
roof when the blue mist (comma muyo)
after her. It was blue...but at the same time it was bright
Suggest: It was blue, but at the same time it was bright
The mist diffused into her, became part of her, but somehow
it felt like it had always been a part of her, only it had gone
missing without her knowing. Pieces of her psyche that had
been missing ever since her accident yesterday now woke
Suggest: missing --> gone/lost/absent/etc.
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive
remembered killing her best friend. As if it had been her all
along and not some nameless monster. No it wasn't quite
Revise: No, it wasn't quite
Really and truly alive. She felt some concern for Hiro when
he fell over, but even as she caught him to keep him from
hitting his head on the hard tile floor, she was smiling. Just to
prove that she could she spoke "I'm alive!"
Revise: she spoke, "I'm alive!"
The good news is that a cathartic, relieving effect has been made by making
Hoko live again after the antagonist kicked the bucket. The bad news is that I
found it all a bit too contrived, even for a fic as weird as yours. So just
like that she's alive again? How... Disney. How Disney with touches of Tim
Burton, but how happy-ending-must-be-induced-at-all-costs Disney (even if this
was obviously not the intention).
Nabiki took some long, deep, shuddering breaths. She had
heard terrible stories during her years as Furinkan High's
number one source of information, stories that were like slow
acting viruses, spread through whispers behind raised
slow acting --> slow-acting (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
hands. Girls did get raped at Furinkan.
This fic just _has_ to learn about the need-to-know basis; specifically, the
heinous statement doesn't even fall within the _vicinity_ of the need-to-know
basis between reader and fic.
couldn't help feeling that maybe she had a good idea of what
it was like.
Sheesh. Just put a [dark] tag on the fic and get it over with.
Fic: But fewer people will read if I put the tag there. And like I said,
talking about rape, mutilation, and murder isn't all that dark at all! Wimp!
....
Fic: Okay, so it is dark, but it's not _that_ dark!
...Hey, I'm not asking your fic to become the prose equivalent of Pollyanna,
I'm just saying that there are times when the dark elements become so
gratuitous and depressing that it detracts to the overall, er, schema of the
story. Also remember that there are always good things in life.
now. Yet, Nabiki had always felt girls were better at dealing
with emotions then boys, it was one of the reasons why boys
boys, it was --> boys; it was
The 'it was...' part is a separate clause that should be punctuated
accordingly.
Right now, the horrible nature of his recently gained
recently-gained
"There was something controlling him I think," Ranko
Revise: him, I think
continued almost seeming to ignore Nabiki, "A demon.
Suggest: continued, almost seeming to ignore
Also: continued, almost seemingly ignoring
Now Ranko looked up. "You don't get it! He was under that
demon's control the whole time! He probably didn't even
know it was there! He didn't kill those people, that fucking
demon did! He was just a kid, and I killed him and set that
demon free to torture more innocent people."
Now that's more like it. Genuine, dramatic, FULL METAL ANGST... as opposed to
depressing, wanton, and oh-so-superfluous-you-can-barely-take-it-seriously
angst. Yeah.
Nabiki's eyes widened as he saw Ranko's ki claws extend
and retract with the surge of emotion.
SHNKT!
"Don't touch me!" She yelled. "You'll feel what I feel."
Revise: "Don't touch me!" she yelled.
"You can't go through this alone, Ran." Nabiki said.
"You can't go through this alone, Ran," Nabiki said.
someone. Yes, he killed your best friend and Gosunkugi and
two other people that we know of, but he didn�t have a
choice. I did."
Well, his final thoughts sure sounded very much like he chose that murderous
path.
Nabiki had Ranma's memories then. They had gone through
another similar experience. They had both killed an innocent
person. Somehow it was better now. Somehow despite it all,
Suggest: Somehow, despite it all, (methinks it adds a natural pause to the flow
of the prose)
"Firefly?" Ranko looked up at Nabiki. Her aura had calmed
into a pastel blue violet. It seemed soft now, like a cloud.
blue violet --> blue-violet
"I don't think I want to be a boy again, at least not for a while.
Is that okay?"
FFML: (boos and hisses) Nooo! OOC! Fanon! Ranma will never say that in a
million-bajillion years!
Deborah Goldsmith: (pats fic's back sympathetically)
Nabiki didn't know what to say so he just nodded and patted
Ranko on the arm.
"Ow!" Ranko exclaimed, startling Nabiki.
"What is it?"
"It's nothing. Just a bruise." Ranko said and hugged Nabiki
tighter.
Revise: Just a bruise," Ranko said and hugged Nabiki
They stood like that for awhile before Ranko spoke again. "I
love you, Nabiki," she said, "It sounds weird to say it, but it's
true. I'd do anything for you."
"I love you too, Ranko." Nabiki said, filled with an emotion far
too big for any box.
Revise: Ranko," Nabiki said,
Antvasima: (boos and hisses) Nooo! OOC! Fanon! Nabiki will never say that
sincerely in a million-bajillion years! She's pure evil!
"It's scary though." Ranma backed away a little, her arms
Suggest: It's scary, though.
loosely hanging from Nabiki's neck.
"Why?" Nabiki asked.
"If someone hurts you again...I don't care who they are...I > am going to
kill them."
(muted trumpet playing) ~Mwawawaaaahhhh...~
Ranma: (raises an eyebrow)
Heh. Oops. Wrong soundtrack. My bad. (plays the correct one)
~DundunDUUUUUN!!!~
~~~~~AUTHOR'S NOTE~~~~~~
C-minor?
8/30/06
Hehehe. I'll never catch up with my backlog.
Once again, I assure you Ranma will eventually be male
again.
(grumble)
Oh yeah, repetition of 'again'. Suggest revision.
Also next chapter will have an awful lot of Sayuri in it. Why?
Because she strikes me as being rather dull. We simply can't
have that can we? ::snickers evilly::
Sayuri: (whimpers)
Currently my writing speed is about a chapter a year.
Heh. I'm about the same a year ago, but I've been endeavoring to change that
with advanced chapter writing.
...Hasn't really worked, but there's a small percentage of improvement.
Thanks
for being patient and for all your comments and hope you
continue to enjoy.
It get's weirder.
get's --> gets
It's Grammar Rule #26 all over again.
-Zorknot
Well, instead of metaphorically criticizing the 'book' because the introduction
is incomprehensible or the initial copies had numerous publishing errors,
attacking the fic like a pack of buzzards to a corpse or a flock of
Fundamentalist Christians to the Da Vinci Code (ahem), let us judge the content
of the fic itself instead, shall we? First off, the formatting:
I have three theories concerning this problem. My first theory: Save it as
plain text. Or save your document in notepad, copy it from there then paste it
on your mail client.
My second theory: have you _really_ unchecked all the tabs in the Autocorrect
Options? It has about five tabs: Autotext, Autoformat, Smart Tags, Autocorrect,
and Autoformat As You Type. Now, if you're like me, I have a tendency to leave
unchecked either the 'Autoformat' tab and/or the 'Autoformat As You Type' tab
(because of MS Word's annoying tendency to put at the front each tab such that
you can't backtrack what's been checked or unchecked). As such, double check
all tabs until you get it right.
My third theory would be that your mail client itself Autoformats everything
you type, so it's irrelevant whether or not you're using Microsoft Word,
Wordstar, WordPerfect, Notepad, or whatever. I can't offer any unsolicited
advice on matters of the mail client 'coz, hey, it's your mail client. If you
would please, find a way around that.
Second off, the broken grammar rules:
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spell-check, then spell-check your spell-check. If this fic was merely
sent to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think
the main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though that may not be the
case, that was the impression I got from reading the fic.)
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas. (These commas may seem like a
little thing, but they are vitally important, because leaving them out can
completely change the meaning of your sentence.)
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.
Grammar Rule 40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don't repeat repeat any
words.
Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional authors opt
for spelling numbers out instead of writing their numerical forms. The obvious
exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact
numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen
eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule
of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
Also, some unsolicited advice: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked,
replied, pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the
character says inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker'
(hence 'speech indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a
period instead of an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the
period with a comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement
after the dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has
nothing to do with the dialogue.
i.e. "I'll say something," Kasumi said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Kasumi' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue and
'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence," she
added. "Oops, I think I made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.
Komma Klansman [(C) R.K. Milholland, Something Positive] says: Grammar Rule #21
tells you how (if you can read between the lines) to use commas properly. I now
realize that _that's_ just one part of the problem. The main problem is, of
course, learning to punctuate properly. As a general rule, sentences which use
'as' ("She said this as she did something else") don't need to be punctuated
with commas (She said this, as she did something else"). On the other hand,
sentences that don't use 'as' ("She said this, feeling regret") should have
proper punctuation 'coz they'd look weird otherwise ("She said this feeling
regret.") Fix your punctuation and syntax errors accordingly. Keep your
sentences correct, pure... and white!
Hmmm. (counts the number of grammar rules broken) Eight. Tsk. But you are
improving, so long as you don't insist on spelling a word according to how it's
pronounced or using 'retort' to mean 'loud sound'.
As for the story itself... Hmmm. Just to add a bit of perspective, here're
snippets of what I said about Chapter 7, "I, Ranma", of your fic:
"Judging from the quality of this chapter, I'd say you have one helluva weird
fic. Your fic already has its unique feel, so jumping from this to original
fiction works shouldn't be a problem for you. Gambare.
"I can't offer much more than grammar corrections. Seems you already know what
you're doing and know where this is going. It's different from what I usually
write and read, but it's still a refreshing read. It's always good to have
variety. Well, what else is there to say?"
And here's the ending notes I had of Chapter 8, "Stuck", of your fic:
"As for the content... it's still as unique and weird as before, perhaps even
more so now that the plot is progressing ever so nicely. Heck, I even got a
chuckle or two out of some of the digressive (but funny) dry humor jokes
inserted in the (wandering POV) prose... something that's admittedly atypical
for me who loathes wandering POV prose, but at the very least your prose wasn't
ill-used or confusing. Despite the technical errors, your narrative prose was
rather clear on what it wanted to convey; Twilight Zone weirdness galore.
"I particularly liked the drama involved in the introspective parts of the
chapter... specifically Nabiki's, Hiro's, Hoko's ghost's, and Ranma's. Very
insightful, since the reader is given a chance to dig really deep into the
hearts and minds of the characters. There were some parts where I felt you were
overdoing the angsting and drama a teensy bit, but considering the nature of
this story, you've managed to keep it as canon as possible.
"Honestly speaking, I had to hold my virtual tongue after discovering that Hiro
has some very special powers, but eventually as I read on I realized that it
_wasn't_ annoying author-avatar powers. Heck, he even messed up and segued the
supposed final confrontation between Ranma, Nabiki, and Copycat. As such... you
don't have an author avatar in Hiro, but a well-developed supporting
character."
What a difference two years of C&Cing'll make, hmmm? ^_^; As such, this time
around, I've noticed a lot more plot point hang nails in this chapter compared
to the last two chapters I C&Ced. I also had more problems with the alternative
interpretation you had of canon after finally reading through the manga and
watching through the anime. Furthermore, I certainly noticed even more grammar
mistakes in this chapter than the last chapter (and don't worry, it's not
because your writing's getting worse... I've just became more nitpicky). In
addition, after becoming aware of the fandom trend of overusing the Nekoken
plot point as a means to an angsty end after C&Cing through several
Nekoken-themed fanfics, I didn't find your Nekoken plot point quite as
palatable as I would have in the past.
Then again, your trademark Alfred Hitchcock weirdness in the prose is still
present (especially in the near end, with the morphed camera monster; talk
about trippy), which is a breath of fresh air amongst the generic cookie-cutter
mold most Ranmafics fall into nowadays. It almost makes me want to forgive you
for going the Nekoken route, for giving Akane her fic-anger pills and trying to
change her through a plot-assisted anger management program, for giving Nabiki
special powers, and for creating bullshido/fanfic-based martial arts moves when
canon ones would have sufficed.
...Almost. ;)
As for Hiro: Meh. He didn't stand out much in this chapter like he did in the
previous chapter, but he did what he was supposed to do to move the plot. The
focus of this chapter, obviously, is on the big three: Ranma, Nabiki, and
Copycat.
Now, like before, I do believe that the unique-as-a-thumbprint weirdness of
your fic is the fic's strongest point. I'm certain that many won't agree with
me, but I'm also fairly sure that quite a lot would: it's the
Felix-the-Cat-like/Dali-like surrealism that makes your fic stand out enough to
be a worthwhile read to people who likes fics that are a bit different from the
rest. My only real advice to you in regards to the story is to keep all the
characters IC even with all the weird shit happening to them so that the
readers can read about _Takahashi's_ characters experiencing your fic's
exceptional peculiarities. And try to cut the darkfic tendencies and
concentrate more on the weirdness as well as genuine heartfelt drama (as
opposed to gratuitous, whiny, pitiful, and depressing angst).
Soooo... yeah. Take that opinion of mine as you will. I'd like to clarify that
this isn't a simple "bash the fic" thing I'm doing here. This is a critique.
Please don't go mentally simplifying my comments (incorrectly) as "He just
didn't like my fic so anything he says can't be taken seriously." (Hell, there
are fics that I've liked and the author still felt rather insulted with the
fact that I liked his fic. Huh. But I digress yet again...) Oh, rest assured
that I somewhat liked your fic. Anyway, it's your jurisdiction to ignore the
comments, yes, and to take them with a grain of salt, yes, but please do at
least consider that this isn't just bias talking when I say, "This fanfic is
not half bad, but it needs a little bit of work on some of its plot points so
it doesn't become too unreadably dark'. Do what I say or don't do what I say;
whatever you want. Just remember to keep on writing and improving, dude. Keep
on providing the readers that dose of Hitchcock.
Akane: Dose of _what_? Stop saying perverse things!
Kakaiba kang magsulat,
Abdiel
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"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
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"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."
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