Subject: [FFML] Re: [FFML][AYA] Wild, Wild East - Chapter 5 - Run, Run Away
From: Angus MacSpon
Date: 11/29/2006, 1:14 PM
To: GL Sandborn
CC: FFML <ffml@anifics.com>


On 29/11/2006, at 16:29 , GL Sandborn wrote:

I've got more time to write now, so here you go with the next chapter
or Wild, Wild East.

Glad to see you continuing this...

Just a couple of points I noticed, on an admittedly hasty read-through:

     If he suspected otherwise, he hid it well.  Stuffing the map and
compass back into his bag, Steven pulled out a couple of brochure- 
sized
papers.
     "What are those?" she asked, curiously leaning in, trying to pick
out some of the Japanese words printed on the documents.

It isn't clear here whether she's having trouble because the  
lettering is small or indistinct, or because she simply can't read  
them.  Presumably not the latter, since Tina's lived in Japan most of  
her life and can presumably read pretty well.  Either way, it might  
help if you reword to clarify.

     "We're not going directly to Aomizusaki," he said softly.  He
sounded as tired as she felt.  "We're heading west to Nagano.  We can
catch a train heading south from there.  That should put is in
Aomizusaki by dawn."

should put us in

Hope we don't have *too* long a wait for chapter 6.  ^_^

Cheers,
Angus

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon@ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/




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