Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 8.5: Green, Addendum...
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 11/29/2006, 3:31 PM
To: eimii
CC: ffml@anifics.com

eimii wrote:
"Orochimaru gave it to Sasuke when they fought in the Forest of Death.
He fell into a terrible fever afterward, and when he woke up..." The
young genin shuddered. "He... he was like a beast." Then Sakura's eyes
widened in shock. "-Like I was, when I fought Ino!"

I'm not certain that the - needs to be there, 

Hmm... it's a sentence fragment continuing an idea from the previous 
sentence after an interruption. Any other ideas on what i could do
here?

I wouldn't see anything wrong with just dropping the -, but I could very
well be wrong.

Are we sure she's not actually getting everything she knows of
student/teacher relationships from Jiraiya?  :) 

Great stomachs think alike... or something...

Heh.

I can easily imagine a conversation at some point in the future with
Naruto and Sakura arguing over whether Jiraiya or Anko is the worse
teacher.  :)

"Um.... am I interrupting something?" ventured an eerily familiar voice.

Glancing over her own shoulder, Sakura was shocked to find her double
standing at the entrance to the galleries, wearing in her usual red
dress and black shorts and looking rather bemused. "Wha- what the hell
are you doing here?!" the green-haired girl shrieked, trying to twist
out of Anko's grasp.

Oh boy.  This should be... amusing.  :) 

It could have gone that way, but instead i went for the existential
angst jar again. I need to stop doing that -_-;.

Existential angst is also fun, in its own special way.  :)

And one more typo here I just noticed:  extraneous "in" between wearing
and her.

Maybe should just be "Both Sakura"?  That's what I usually do, since some
names don't pluralize that easily. 

I thought of that too; sometimes it's hard to choose between the
japanese 'uninflected plural,' or the form we're more accustomed to.

Main reason I went with the way I did is because "Narutos" just always
looks very, very wrong to me, and that tends to be the name in most need
of pluralization in my story.

"What?" Letting go of Sakura's kimono to make a final, unsuccessful grab
for her wallet, Anko frowned in annoyance. "I just told her the truth.
Isn't that what you wanted?"

Suggest changing the her in front of wallet to something that less
ambiguously refers to Sakura. 

Hmm... 'for the contested wallet'?

Works for me.

Suggest "gave the real Sakura a flat look" (assuming that's the right one)

Yeah, that's the one she was talking to. Will fix...

Distinguishing between multiple copies of the same character is kind of
annoying, isn't it?

...huh.  Perhaps my memory is failing, but I'm having trouble figuring out
just what this exchange is referencing.  Just the whole assimilation of
Anko memories thing, or is this a hint of something that hasn't come up
yet? 

She's referring to the problems that arose from her possession of 
Anko. I may have had her phrase it too strongly, or perhaps i haven't
had her linger on it enough beforehand, but I think that the Sakura 
copy in Anko's head probably would have had some real existential 
issues when she discovered that she was being 'overwritten' by Anko's
personality. All of those memories are Sakura's property now, which 
makes her rather abnormally inclined to put herself in her clone's 
shoes.

Ah.  I'd recommend adding some explicit reference to that, then.
Shouldn't need more than just a sentence or two, though.


"I don't see why not," Anko replied, shrugging. "The design definitely
suits you. Maybe you should call that trick of yours 'Kitsune-Tsuki,'"
she suggested with a nasty grin.

Fox-Moon? 

That's what i thought it sounded like, too, but kitsune-tsuki is the
traditional term used to describe fox possession or fox madness...

Huh.  Interesting.

Hmm... should it be "Poor, poor Sakura-chan" again or does this one
actually merit a "Poor, poor Anko-chan"?  :) 

Naaaah; i haven't found an opportunity to make Anko really suffer 
yet, though i'm definitely looking. When it happens, it'll probably
involve Iruka ^_~...

Heh.  I'll look forward to it.

...and so will Sakura, I imagine.  :)

I'm more worried about the existing parts of "Breath," and my
standing reservations about how effective it was as a chapter -_-;.
Bleah...

Well, we shall see, I suppose.

At any rate, thanks for taking a look! I seem to be moving along at a
reasonable clip with these revisions, so i'll probably at least try to
finish "Breath" before going back to the current storyline. This might
be importannt, if i end up changing it drastically. Wish me luck...

Good luck!  :)

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." http://www.mimiru.net/ .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'