Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 8.5: Green, Addendum...
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 11/29/2006, 12:08 PM
To: Eimii


Standard C&C Disclaimer, etc.

Eimii wrote:
Non-Yaoi Warning: We've got a few boys in this one, yeah, but most 
(read: all) of them are too busy tying to kill each other, or watching 
other people try to kill each other, to be bothered with things such as 
making out...

Not that that stops some authors...

Additionally, i have significantly modified/extended this version of the 
chapter, as compared to the original version that appears at, and some of the changes will probably affect future 
revisions in some sort of freakish ripple effect that will totally 
change the story >_<;.

Ooh, exciting! :)

*Huh, 'guess the kid's more than just talk,* Anko mused, claiming her 
seat beside her raptly watching 'student.'

Any particular reason for the apostrophe before guess?

"Anko, what does that mark mean?" the faux green-haired girl pleaded, 
again clutching her own shoulder as phantom pain pierced her at the 
sight of the seal. Anko caught on immediately, and Sakura didn't resist 
when the jounin grabbed her shirt, stretching the elastic collar check 
for the telltale mark.

"collar to check"

Man, wouldn't that have sucked for Sakura, if the cursed seal was
somehow contagious like that?

"Orochimaru gave it to Sasuke when they fought in the Forest of Death. 
He fell into a terrible fever afterward, and when he woke up..." The 
young genin shuddered. "He... he was like a beast." Then Sakura's eyes 
widened in shock. "-Like I was, when I fought Ino!"

I'm not certain that the - needs to be there,

Seeming to sense the danger that he was in, standing between two 
righteously enraged women, the ANBU assumed a pose of careful 
consideration. "Kakashi-sama probably sensed that it would be safer for 
Sasuke to remain completely out of sight for the time being, and there 
are few people better suited to hiding him from one of the Three than 
Sharingan Kakashi," he pointed out.

...bad move.

"Sure, though I doubt that'll be a problem," Sakura predicted ruefully, 
following Anko's lead and trying to relax. "Since when do you have money 
for snacks, though?" she asked with a wry grin.

"Oh, I don't, but luckily, I've got a cute, generous student like you to 
treat me!" Anko replied sweetly, holding up a very familiar-looking coin 

Are we sure she's not actually getting everything she knows of
student/teacher relationships from Jiraiya?  :)

"Um.... am I interrupting something?" ventured an eerily familiar voice.

Glancing over her own shoulder, Sakura was shocked to find her double 
standing at the entrance to the galleries, wearing in her usual red 
dress and black shorts and looking rather bemused. "Wha- what the hell 
are you doing here?!" the green-haired girl shrieked, trying to twist 
out of Anko's grasp.

Oh boy.  This should be... amusing.  :)

"Ino came to get me so we could watch Sasuke-kun's match together," the 
clone replied. "Apparently _somebody_ had a 'talk' with her..." Both 
Sakuras turned to peer suspiciously at Anko.

Maybe should just be "Both Sakura"?  That's what I usually do, since
some names don't pluralize that easily.

"What?" Letting go of Sakura's kimono to make a final, unsuccessful grab 
for her wallet, Anko frowned in annoyance. "I just told her the truth. 
Isn't that what you wanted?"

Suggest changing the her in front of wallet to something that less
ambiguously refers to Sakura.

"I saw her leaving the stadium when I went to the bathroom, so I stopped 
her," Anko replied testily. "Why are you giving me that look? You and 
her are good now, right?" She peered expectantly at the clone.

The pink-hared Sakura grimaced, but nodded reluctantly. "Yeah, she said 
she's not mad anymore, and that you told her weren't going out, but 
she's still... I dunno." 


I think the comma after grimaced is extraneous.

"told her we weren't going"

The doppelganger fixed Anko with a laser-beam stare. "Are you sure
you didn't say anything weird to her?"

It's Anko.  Of _course_ she said something weird.

"I swear, I just told her what we've really been doing. I didn't say 
anything that wasn't true." Lacing her fingers behind her head, Anko 
leaned back on her heels and gave Sakura a flat look. "She was all ready 
to blame me for everything, anyway, so you can stop stressing about it. 
She's still your friend; she just needed to calm down a bit."

Suggest "gave the real Sakura a flat look" (assuming that's the right one)

When the clone nodded in agreement and also offered her mumbled thanks, 
Sakura suddenly realized that she had no reason to hide anymore. "If mom 
thinks I'm watching the tournament with Ino, then I can go talk to her. 
Switch places with me," she ordered, moving toward her double.

...well, _that_ could certainly cause a ripple effect.  I would have
been sorely tempted to have Sakura not think of that just on the "I'm
not going to rewrite the whole next plot arc from scratch" principle.

"Please," The clone pleaded, grabbing Sakura's arm, "if it's true, then 
it'll be just like when we possessed Anko. I just want to stay like this 
for a little longer. You know how scary as it is, not- not knowing..."

"how scary it is"

*'...not knowing if you're 'real' or not,'* Sakura finished silently, 
pondering the words that her double couldn't say. Unfortunately, she 
knew that feeling all too well. "...Dammit. Why am I so screwed up?" she 
wondered aloud, shaking her head. "Fine. We can stay like this for a 
little longer."

...huh.  Perhaps my memory is failing, but I'm having trouble figuring
out just what this exchange is referencing.  Just the whole assimilation
of Anko memories thing, or is this a hint of something that hasn't come
up yet?

"I don't see why not," Anko replied, shrugging. "The design definitely 
suits you. Maybe you should call that trick of yours 'Kitsune-Tsuki,'" 
she suggested with a nasty grin.


"It should be fine," the monkey-masked man agreed. "You've already 
volunteered to help with exam security, and no active ANBU has worn a 
fox mask in thirteen years, so it's not like we'll mistake you for 
someone else."


Pausing for a moment, he tilted his head to the side in an almost 
comically monkey-like pose. "'Kitsune-Tsuki:' Fox Possession?" he 
queried curiously.

"Umm..." Sweating a little, Sakura darted a questioning glance at Anko, 
but the special jounin seemed to have realized that she'd said something 
that could potentially be embarrassing to _her_, and was giving Sakura 
eyes that screamed, 'Watch your tongue or I'll kill you!"

Either the ' or the " there needs to change to match.

"Come to think of it, she mentioned something about possessing 
Anko-sama, just now, didn't she?"



Hmm... should it be "Poor, poor Sakura-chan" again or does this one
actually merit a "Poor, poor Anko-chan"?  :)

Anyways, another good chapter/part of a chapter/whatever.  I think the
additions worked nicely, so nothing to worry about on that front IMO.

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - | | Unsubscribing - | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- -----'