Yay! Abdiel's continuing through the series!! ^_^_^_^
On 11/28/06, Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com> wrote:
Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Are you a Greek god, then? Do you live atop a mountain and chuck
lightning bolts down upon unwary travelers?
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
Oh, you mean you don't know what happened to Menchi at the beginning
of the second episode of Excel Saga?
Or which Doctors traveled with Sarah Jane Smith?
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Well, obviously. I'd think it odd if you said things shaped by
others' experiences. I mean, you'd think you were a figment of that
other person's imagination or somesuch thing.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
Mwaahhhahahah! *Cackles as I descend the steps into my nefarious volcano*
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
But I could if Oye really wanted to, y'see!
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
There's some spiffy ones in the Qur'an...
And my current victim is... ;)
...a hero and servant of Justice and Truth who slew Cthulhu!! You monster!
Er... right. ^_^
On 4/14/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
No rants or commentary this time. Just story.
Awwwww. But the rants are half the fun! It's like a flambe without the food
itself!
Well, true. I must have been tired and depressed while I sent the
email, totally assured of my self-immolation!
Or perhaps afraid of being left out in the cold.
On the other hand, I may have desired to place it out there and let
the critics sort it all out. But oftentimes a 'fic goes out there,
unnoticed by anyone... Oh, I got some comments which I was grateful
for. Some seemed confused at what happened to NETTG Classic or my
other stuff. 'Tis all good. ^_^
(blinks) Hmmm. If the ArbyFish is the fire, and the rant is the food, where
does that leave the rest of the fic?
It's all grease and oil now! Gristle and fat! Mmmm, gnaw on those
succulent trimmings! ^^
Terra: (shrugs) The rest of the fic's just a plate to serve the rants and the
ArbyFish?
'Course! Wouldn't be proppa' if it wasn't!
...Sounds about right. :P
In-deed! =^.^=
Here, we have...
Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo
---Chapter 4: ...The Whole Crew Already?
Oh boy. The whole crew already? Well, somebody's fast-forwarding stuff...
Yup, skip past all that uninteresting stuff nobody wants to read
anymore. If you're going to do a "Here's Ranma," at least make it
unique and interesting. I can't hardly count the first SM episodes
I've rewritten in their various incarnations. Well, maybe I've done
it like three times. NETTG Classic, NETTG:TinT, and Mix & Match.
So, let's get on to the interesting stuff already. ^_^
Weeks passed, and the events that transpired the night of the attack
at the
Osa-P gradually faded into the public background. Naru and her mother moved
away to Okinawa to start a new life, far away from jewelry and the youma that
used them to drain energy.
...Wait. So no more best friend for Usagi, such that she'll now use the
readily-available Terra as a reasonable substitute? Awww. And here I thought
Naru wasn't just an incidental character but instead a supporting
character/foil providing comic relief/whatnot to the protagonist/s. Apparently
not.
Well, I was going to add in a whole bunch of other characters and
wouldn't have enough characterization left in me if I added too many
too fast. The more I could cut, the better. My chapter length goals
were around 30k of plain text for a total of 25 chapters. Some
chapters ended up way too big, but my goal kept me from making 500k
chapters. And then this never would have gotten done. ^^ Balance,
y'see.
Naru wasn't so important, she wouldn't be participating in any major
battles, and she doesn't have any mystical powers that are critical to
the plot. So, she gets trimmed after her part's done. Note the
conspicuous absence of Umino.
As for Terra and Usagi, the two girls got to know each other quite
well as they
worked, studied, and fought together. There were many more strikes made by
the
Negamafoozles in an attempt to gather large amounts of human energy. They
were
all thwarted by the brave Sailors Moon and Chibimoon, helped in generous
amounts
by Tuxedo Kamen and the Star Light Knight.
One thing I particularly liked about NETTG: TIT that I didn't find in NETTG:
Classic is the equal amount of footing that the 'added' characters have with
the canon characters (as opposed to NETTG: Classic's IMO over-focus on the
Atomic Starlight Knight; you may not have intended him to be the star, but like
Urkel, he stands out like a sore thumb)
^_^
I've learned since I began writing that you have to treat all major
characters fairly. You CAN have an all-powerful character running
around, but there's no reason for a canon main character to suddenly
fawn all over the new person.
...'cept Usagi, but that's just to break up a destined relationship.
No reason to date and marry someone just 'cause he was your One True
Love in a past life. Oh, wait...
ASK started off overpowered and stayed overpowered in Classic. But
post chapter 6, he started taking a beating. And that actually made
him a lot more fun. He's got a ways to go still, but we'll see how it
goes as he develops.
Terra was overpowered and still is in Classic. But at least she
stayed out of the way for the most part.
The ArbyFish disappeared the morning after that first fateful battle.
Just as
mysteriously as he came, he was gone, leaving no trace save for the strange
mark hidden on Terra's neck.
The flame in the flambe is now gone. Awwww.
Well, can't have a flame on your food all the time. It'd turn to
charcoal, y'see! It's all well and good if ya's making s'mores, but
if ya's 'aving a Fish Flambe, eventually you'll want to put out the
fire and move on. Then you can light it back up when ya's done and
watch the sparks fly!
He'll be back. LIKE A BAD FUNGAL INFECTION, HE'LL BE BACK!!!! Mwahahah.
Terra, on the
other hand, was left with only a tattered brochure with advice that didn't
work.
Their kitty companion was unable to help Chibimoon improve her combat
prowess,
Formatting error: Extra space before 'Their kitty'.
Mmm... Checking-du.
Double-spaces between sentences. Just got formatted odd in the
transition to wrapped text.
Hmmm? How come? And why can't she use her Pink Sugar Heart whatever? It seems
that, from being overpowered and feared, Terra has now become Underpowered
(tm).
Arby didn't give her the wand she'd need to perform the attack, and
she's too inexperienced to use anything else. The tiara attack won't
work for some reason, and that's generally left her with no useful
attacks. She could kick something in the knees, but that's still
firmly in the realm of moral support.
Added 'She didn't even have a wand.' To this paragraph:
Usagi gradually gained in strength and confidence as a Sailor
Soldier, aided by Luna's insight and knowledge of how the girl's
powers functioned. Terra, on the other hand, was left with only a
tattered brochure with advice that didn't work. She didn't even have
a wand. Their kitty companion was unable to help Chibimoon improve
her combat prowess, and as a result the cheerful, intelligent teenager
mainly joined Sailor Moon as moral support from safely behind the
usually present defense of Tuxedo Kamen.
Also, I'm curious as to whether or not Tuxedo Kamen ever met the _actual_
Sailor Soldier he's supposed to protect. I guess we'll soon find out as the
story unfolds...
He met her, but only in passing after he focused in on Chibimoon.
Tuxedo Fixation issues.
Tuxedo Fixation(throws a manga at the youma)
S.L.K. smiled. "Yeah, maybe not." He took out a rectangular
cartridge with
octograms and runic inscriptions on it, then popped out the clip from his
weapon and replaced it with the cartridge. "But how about magic EXPLODING
TIP
lead bullets??!?!"
S.L.K.: The King of Exclamations.
It's said that multiple exclamation marks are the hallmark of an
unstable mind!! XDXDXD
"I'm sorry," Terra apologized emphatically. "It's just that... I
don't know
what to do."
Generally, Mary Sues really don't know what to do, but act as if they do. A Sue
actually admitting she's clueless? This is a first. That, and her lack of
usable powers. This is indeed something different; a first AFAIK, or at least
one of a handful, if you will.
Right. A balanced "Mary Sue." An imperfect one. One that screws up
lots and makes the wrong choices. And gets beat up. And gets people
not liking her sometimes.
...is that somehow the definition of a balanced character? Nah,
couldn't be. ^_-
She
blushed. "Even though the Star Light Knight helps me fight, you're there for
me if I need you."
...So Usagi doesn't even notice Tuxedo Kamen's presence because of her
uber-crush with S.L.K.? Hmmm.
Oh, you know, out with the old, in with the new.
She probably notices Tuxedo Kamen, but Terra's kind of got 'im.
Besides, what can a guy in a tuxedo, carrying a cane, do to compare
with a knight in shining armor wielding a huge gun?
I mean, look at Vincent Valentine from FF7. He's prolly got more
groupies than Sephiroth or Cloud.
Then the child looked a little puzzled. "But I've got just one
question. Why
do you suck so bad?"
Heh.
Hooray for a supportive fan club!
Sailor Moon slapped her forehead as all her ego-boosting efforts fell
apart
with six simple words from a clueless child.
Awww. Very sweet and in-character of Usagi to do so. Also, very typical that it
backfired. Me like sentence fragments.
Ohohohohoho. ^_^
Yeah, Usagi's generally pretty nice. She's got her selfish and
goof-off moments, naturally, but that's part of what makes her a
balanced character.
The two soldiers for Love and Justice
Is it 'for' Love and Justice or 'of' Love and Justice? (ponders)
Well, they're soldiers that (fight) for Love and Justice, whereas Love
and Justice would have to be employing them to be "of" those two
concepts. I think it can go either way.
"Indeed," whispered Terra sadly as she slumped over her desk, "why do
I suck so
bad?"
Probably because of a plot point or probably for comedic effect. I also
wouldn't put it past the author to use the 'underdog' tactic to make your
character feel more sympathetic towards readers, but then again I'm a cynical
bastard. And hey, it's even working!
It works if done in a measured fashion. Or in a blatant manner. I
mean, look at Chibiusa in Heart of Sugar. The antics of the two SIs
can sometimes be enough to make Chibiusa into a character to feel
sympathy for.
"I believe that as a species, humans define their reality through
misery and suffering."
-Agent Smith, The Matrix
A character tends to be more real to a reader if they have problems.
But not TOO many. Gotta have balance. But serious problems can lend
themselves to a more interesting story as the character attempts to
resolve them. They're all the more human if they fail somehow.
She'd even gotten an intense perm a few days back, which
turned out instead to be a temp five minutes afterwards.
Heh.
Rebellious hair.
It wasn't that her
hair was messy. It was actually fairly well ordered,
Suggest: well-ordered
I agree. Changed.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
Roight. Gotta Compound ya descriptors. Wouldn't be mouldy-shroominum
wi'out 'em!
but ever since she had
her mind tampered with, her locks just seemed to have ideas of their own
incompatible with her preferences.
own, incompatible with her preferences. (missing comma)
Correct. Sorry I missed it. ^^
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Right-o!
"Commas are your weakness."
"Your faith in your friends is yours!!"
"It was the five pages of sci-fi novel you wrote after that.
Interplanetary
monarchies founded ten thousand years ago on the principles of love, magic,
peace, and Earthling repression?
Tsk. Well, since she's a protagonist/insert of the story, it's only prudent
that (as I've mentioned a few C&Cs back) she gets to suffer quite a bit not
unlike all the other protagonists before her. Hapless as she is, I'd suggest
for her to blame the collective karma of all the Mary Sues in fandom who have
had it way too good for too long in their respective stories.
If ya wanna join the club, you must take the initiation first. Wanna
be a main character alongside the likes of Usagi and Ranma? Oooh,
then you're gonna need the DELUXE treatment. ^_^
Terra: (snifflies) Why? WHY?!?
Why? Because you have to take your beating just like everyone else
before you can be accepted! It's the ritual hazing inherent in
becoming a powerful, respected character!
You think Ranma started off as the ultimate martial artist, capable of
soloing Herb and Saffron? NO! He worked hard at it, and got beaten
down and cursed and put through all kinds of amusing situations before
he could do anything cool like that.
Other examples? Goku of Dragonball, Ichigo of Bleach, Naruto of...
Naruto, and so on. All of 'em got knocked down left and right before
getting powered-up. ^^
"I'm very glad you asked, Takeda-san. Quite apart from the fact that
you
didn't answer the essay question, type it, or put your name on the paper, you
only wrote twelve words. I even memorized them and considered putting them
to
music. You wrote, and I quote in your charming rural accent, 'Feudalism's
bad.
My granddaddy died in a feud once. Feuds are bad.'"
Heh. Kids say the damnednest things. Also, Haruna-sensei could give
Yukari-sensei a run for her money with her acerbic-happy way of correcting her
students.
Teachers with good return quips are fun. It's no fun to have them be
confounded. After all, they should be in control of the situation and
capable of making any student feel like a complete and total
blundering idiot. Wouldn't be proper otherwise!
Yukari: (raises eyebrow) Whatever. (sleeps during class)
^_^_^
When the next lesson started, Terra was still trying to track down the
source
of her error. She remembered writing every word of her essay, but right now
she wondered where she'd gotten it all from. Since her mind had turned out
to
be such an excellent source of facts, she'd taken to writing her assignments
straight off the top of her head without consulting much in the way of
outside
materials.
It seems that Terra's gut instinct is strangely more highly-developed and
book-smart than her own preteen self. Her gut instinct is like a stegosaurus's
second brain, the one that controls its tail, only... smarter, geekier, and a
trivia-buff.
Yeah, she's got a lot of stuff working for her. It looks like a gut
reaction, but it's really something more complex than that.
As if a thousand voices were watching Jeopardy, shouted out the
answer, and were suddenly silenced....
"Curiouser and curiouser," Terra whispered. Her mind referenced her
situation
and comment back to the works of Lewis Carroll, and found the comparison very
appropriate. It was like she'd fallen down a rabbit hole and her life had
been
flipped upside down since the incident with S.L.K. and that gas-powered
electric
guitar.
Nice segue and nice prose flow, though the end with the gas-powered electric
guitar kind of makes it sound a bit silly. ^^;
Gotta temper those serious philosophical moments with the tossing of
pies and a melee of slapstick humor. Wouldn't be proper if ya didn't.
Then again, it describes NETTG:
TIT to a, er, 't'... great,
high-quality writing with hearty dosages of gags and comedy (as opposed to
NETTG: Classic, which was a running gag fic with lapses of dramatic writing,
IMO). Take that as you will.
^_^ 'Sokay. It's not everyone's thing. Besides, since you're
otherwise showering me with praise, you're entitled to a few good deep
hits below the belt.
---
Outside, during lunch, Terra fell down a rabbit hole. Or, rather, she
slipped
into one and her leg got caught and twisted a bit.
<g> To hell with metaphors. It's the rough equivalent of slapstick in written
prose! Either that, or literalism.
Arby(grins and holds up the No Metaphor Zone sign): 'Course!
Such figuratism toward literalism works wonders for writer's block in
figuring out how to start the next scene. ^_^
Terra had gone behind some bushes to eat her lunch in solitude so she
could
further analyze her essay without interruptions, but it looked like those
plans
would have to wait. "I hope there aren't any snakes in this hole."
Nah, they're currently enjoying frequent flyer miles care of Samuel L. Jackson.
Arby(hops out of the snake box aboard a plane): Ey, lookit me, it's
ArbyFish on a plane! (hisses and stands up and waves like a charmed
cobra)
A brunette in a uniform with a light brown skirt came around the
corner. She
was a little tall for a Junior High student, a part of Terra thought, but
then
again, she herself was considered by many to be somewhat more developed than
average for a girl her age.
Or rather, for a Japanese girl of her age, considering the theory that in the
dub, despite Makoto's "talents" and her measuring to up to 170 cm/5' 7", her
height and endowment was downplayed (as American children does not consider
this height as unusual compared to Japanese children).
Right, right. Tacking on "Japanese."
A brunette in a uniform with a light brown skirt came around the
corner. She was a little tall for a Japanese Junior High student, a
part of Terra thought, but then again, she herself was considered by
many to be somewhat more developed than average for a girl her age.
A shame Terra doesn't know about the Gaijin Optic Blast. ^_^
The shapely teen titan laughed softly. "Pretty strong, huh?"
Terra nodded wordlessly.
Wow. The words 'Teen Titan' and 'Terra' within the vicinity of each other in a
fic without character bashing. That's new--Erhm, moving right along...
Heheh. Terra was cool. 'Specially when she turned to evil. Betcha
Robin'd never have the gumption to do that.
"You're welcome. Say, I'm new around here. My school exploded--but
it wasn't
MY fault, so don't get any ideas--so I just transferred over today. I'm
Lita.
What's your name?"
Do'h!
Mwahahahahah!
"Call me Terra," Terra said. "I'm very glad to meet you, Lita." She
then
glanced at the other's new student nametag. "But your nametag says Kino
Makoto."
"Hmm?" Makoto glanced down at her blouse. "Oh, Lita's my stage name.
I used
it when I tried to become an actress. That didn't work out, but still, I
like
it a little better than Makoto. Makoto sounds too much like a boy's name."
Heh. Nice misdirection ploy. It's nice 'coz I actually fell for it.
Gotta keep ya guessing. It'd be an insult to your ingenuity if
everything was totally predictable. ^_^
Amy Dumas: (looks at Makoto flatly) Lita is a slut's name.
Rock on!! XD
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amy_Dumas
In a smooth, graceful movement, the girl in the private school uniform
reached
down and grasped the snake by the head and pulled off its ankular resting
Er, I don't think 'ankular' is a word. Correct me if I'm wrong.
No, not a real word. It just seemed appropriate. But, since I have
to be named William Shakespeare to invent new words on the spot...
In a smooth, graceful movement, the girl in the private school
uniform reached down and grasped the snake by the head and pulled off
its resting place on Terra's ankle.
"This isn't poisonous," said the snake-handler. She knelt down and
let it slip
back into its hole. "It's a constrictor and doesn't hardly ever bite.
Er, Rei... pick: 'doesn't' or 'hardly'? Either is good, but as much as
possible, don't use both.
Rei(pouts)
"This isn't poisonous," said the snake-handler. She knelt down and
let it slip back into its hole. "It's a constrictor that hardly ever
bites. It eats vermin and it's small. I don't think it could hurt
you even if it got wrapped around your neck."
^_^
"And Pandas," Terra added, shuddering. "And clowns!"
Suggest: Pandas --> pandas
Right-o! Fixed.
Behind them, past the bushes, a clown chased a panda through the
schoolground.
schoolground --> school ground
(Checks stuff online...)
Lepardu(shrugs): Mmm... Okee-du.
Fixed.
The panda held up a sign that said, "Don't look at me, I'm just a harmless
panda!"
^^; That's a nice cameo, but who's the clown?
Pierrotman: (blinks)
Matsuoka Suzuki: (blinks)
Hyskoa: (blinks)
Tatewaki Kuno: (blinks)
Dunno. Hmm... Eeny meeni meini moe... Tatewaki Kuno, I choose you!
(tosses a Pokeball)
Behind them, past the bushes, a samurai clown chased a panda through
the school grounds with a bokken. The panda held up a sign that said,
"Don't look at me, I'm just a harmless panda!"
"No problem." The raven-haired student nodded at Terra, looking her
over
thoughtfully. "Hmm. We've just met and I can already tell. You're a real
basketcase, aren't you?"
Suggest: basket case/basket-case
Basket-case it is then! ^_^
Makoto chuckled. "You're funny, Red."
"Please, call me Terra," Terra protested. "Or I'll start calling you
Makoto."
"Oooh, touche."
The prose should have been told of the developments as well, for it's calling
Lita Makoto anyway.
It's calling her by her real name. Makoto can call herself Nummy
Muffin Kooku Butter and the prose'll still call her Makoto. The prose
is obstinate that way. ^_^
Terra smiled. Her mind might not be able to give her a perfect life,
but at
least it could supply her with witty quips.
Garfield: (nods sagely)
^_^ In-deed!
"I did martial arts with my old boyfriend," Makoto said, and then
peered at
Terra curiously. "Actually, you kind of remind me of--" Her eyes started to
get sparkly and dreamy, but then she caught herself and pounded on her head.
"No, no! What am I thinking?!"
S.L.K.: (preens)
Ohohohoho! So some of the basic presence DOES screen through after all.
"You still got a better grade than I did," Usagi whined, showing her
highest
math score yet of 43.
Nitpick: forty-three
Forty-three it is, then.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
Roight. The rules always apply, unless it's an exception! And always
remember that everything is an exception and you're on your way to
understanding the English language!
Above it all hovered the giant wavering visage of a blond man in a
grey
Nitpick: visage --> vision/apparition
Because visage connotes more to the face than to a person as a whole. Since you
mentioned the uniform, I'm assuming the 'visage' they saw was that of a whole
person, and not just his face.
Well, it's more of the shoulders up. I'd say a "bust," but he's not a
statue. Kind of a visage. You can see the uniform, but not too much
of it. So I'm still leaning toward "visage" in this case.
uniform. "Sailor Soldiers," his voice bellowed across the landscape. "I am
Jadeite, First General of the Dark Kingdom! What you see before you now is
just an illusion. But you have become quite a bother for us as of late, so
we
challenge you personally to a battle.
Talk about cutting to the chase.
Gotta get to the interesting bits. Behold, is it not written...
"We've got to get back to basics. Shootin' for Love. Wanderers of
the West. The Ride of the Three Amigos. All the great Amigo pictures
had one thing in common. Three wealthy Spanish landowners who fight
for the rights of peasants. Now, that's something everyone likes.
It's a people idea. It's a story a nation can sink its teeth into.
But then came Those Darn Amigos. A box office failure. Nobody went
to see it. Because nobody cares about three wealthy Spanish
landowners on a weekend in Manhattan. We strayed from the formula and
we paid the price."
-The Three Amigos
So we'll just skip all the uninteresting bits and get to the main action. ^_^
Meet us tomorrow evening at Tokyo
Airport, or what you have seen before you will become reality. Be ready for
us. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, TOMORROW NIGHT, BLOOD SHALL BE SPILLED!!!"
Don't go, Sailor Soldiers! He might possibly Kame Hame Ha you to oblivion!
Heh. You know me too well, don't you? ^_^
Sailor Mars: Let him try. (ready to go 'manga' all over Jadeite's ass)
In the manga, Mars pretty much oneshots Jadeite, so yeah. ^_^
Beryl: He better do more than just 'try'. (ready to go 'anime' all over
Jadeite's ass)
Heheh. ^_^
Jadeite: (whines)
'Course!
Alrighty then. Let's get this show on the road.
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
*nod* Of course. I'll proofread more thoroughly in future chapters
(post ch.11 or so)
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Right.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional authors opt
for spelling numbers out instead of writing their numerical forms. The obvious
exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact
numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen
eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule
of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
On the other hand, writing out an unnecessarily long number can be a
fun way to raise some eyebrows. ^_^
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
*nod*
Hmmm. Four grammar rules broken. It's still within the limits of readability.
Well, yeah, you're correcting me on a couple misplaced punctuation
marks instead of, say, noting that a subject must be followed by a
verb and maybe an object too, or that sentences maybe ought to end in
periods more than half the time. ^_^
I wouldn't go so far as saying it's nitpicking, since I'm glad you
caught them so I can fix them.
Hell, I've seen stories that break eight to ten rules easy but their fics still
come out as quite enjoyable. It still comes down to the fic content, really.
Nevertheless, keep up the good work on the technical cleanness of your fic; a
well-proofread fic is also a plus for a fic.
Thanks! We do try to make sure it at least makes sense. (And try to
make sure the plot at least meets some minimum undefined standards.)
As for the other story specifics: You know your audience, and you know your
fandom. Most importantly, you know just how sick and tired all the fic readers
are of hearing the origin stories of Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter repeated in
fanfic. This fast-forwarding of events is also a type of fanservice, in
retrospect.
Well, yeah, it was one of those pieces that could be crammed in really
fast. It was either have them all come in at once in the story, or
omit lots of battles and joining sequences to get them all together.
I opted for just cramming them all in at the beginning, and now we can
finally get started on the story. Besides, how mysterious is Ami now
that everyone knows that she's just Sailor Mercury? It'd be
dreadfully predictable, no matter how much literary slapstick I tossed
in. I'd have to toss in a brand new dimension full of soul-sucking
demons just to keep everyone awake!
I certainly appreciate the picking up of the pace, though I
somewhat feel that Jadeite could at least have had a bit of foreshadowing to
his plans before he opted to go with his decision to have a incredible showdown
with the Sailor Soldiers.
I felt that, in light of the chapters directly after this, it's better
to have a surprise. After all, the reader thinks it's going to be
pretty much just the canon encounter. They don't suspect at this time
that there might be a more nefarious plotter involved at this point.
Then again, if one considers the fact that he blindsided the readers as well as
the Sailor Soldiers, then it's... a pretty neat plot point. The glass is
half-full and all that.
I'd lean more towards this one than adding in a scene with Beryl
consulting with Jadeite & crew. There's a significant surprise factor
in this first battle.
...Hmmm. Poor Sailor Senshi. On one hand, the Senshi have just increased their
numbers, so it's bad news for Jadeite; on the other hand, the new bulk of
recruits, though talented, will be having their first 'barbecue' just now, so
to speak. It all evens out, apparently.
Yup. Good news and bad news. If I were Jadeite, I'd consider
bringing friends. A lot of them.
Furthermore, Terra's continuing steak of bad luck (and her lack of blissful
ignorance now that she's a bit smarter than when she was introduced) really
does make her a lot more amiable and pleasant than other 'Sues' of her ilk.
She's more human and identifiable since she's got problems she has to
slog through. She's almost like... a real viable character now. ;)
Hell, she even shows that high IQ can be a detriment in life, and it can, at
times, make things worse by making one realize that things are worse.
Ignorance is sometimes bliss. If you don't know the difference, who
would guess?
Indeed, having her earn her uber-powers through hardship and to have her come
to terms with herself before becoming what she was, is, and will be in NETTG:
Classic and NETTG: The Early Years is the way to go. This method to success has
been utilized to great effect in anime before: easily, Sakuragi Hanamichi,
Umezaki Naruto, Myoujin Yahiko, and Usagi Tsukino herself come to mind as
having gone through these stages of necessary
awkwardness/haplessness/tribulation before achieving and earning their
respective shot at success.
I agree entirely. Without buildup, there is no story, only a
beginning and a conclusion. You have to walk from point A to point B.
Teleporting there instantly just confuses people.
It's all good just as long as you don't go
overboard and portray Terra as some sort of martyr/Pity-Beggar Mary Sue. But so
far, she hasn't turned into that.
In some chapters she gets to some all-time lows, but those can be
edited if they don't have the correct spin on them.
She indeed bemoans her fate, but at least
she's not at the point where you can label her as an unlikable whiner. Not just
yet, at the very least. Then again, seeing she's neither omniscient nor
omnipotent, her suffering is well-worth the risk of her becoming a whiner.
It is indeed worth the risk. ^_^
Terra: HEY!
Arby(holding a large mallet): Roight! Take ya lumps!
*WHAM!!*
...As for S.L.K., his limited but useful screen time is utilized to its utmost,
with him providing fanservice galore with his armed-to-the-teeth guns and
ammunition shtick not unlike the infamous Trenchcoat Mask and his rebellious
ways in execution.
I really like(d) Trenchcoat Mask. Too bad the author grew up and ran
off without finishing it. But the same can be said about a lot of
great 'fic writers. If they're so great, why aren't they off
conquering the world yet? ^_^
Who among the non-fangirl demographic (i.e., the male
population of fic readers) weren't thinking that guns are way better at
disposing youma than, say, a dance number and an escalator-themed attack? Also,
his limited screen time makes the story focus less on him, which is good in
making the story balanced overall (yeah, I still hate him so after all this
time).
Sometimes, after watching a bunch of magical girls struggle with
dancing mystic attacks, ya just wanna see someone whip out a .45 and
go to town.
And even in TinT, there's a specific counterbalance explanation as to
why that won't work all the time. On the other hand, firearms are
magical in a way. ^^
I mean his portrayal as a helpful assisting fighter/vague object of
infatuation works well on this fic, as opposed to his earlier portrayal as the
central, suffocating focus of the fanfic with the rest of the characters
orbiting around him and his antics in NETTG: Classic, that is. (This is my main
criticism of NETTG: Classic, though this has improved somewhat as you've
improved somewhat in the later chapters).
I've gotten better, but probably still have a ways to go. I still
want my characters to be extra special in some way or another. ^^
Incidentally, I myself don't accept
'Author Avatar as a super-powered demigod' as a valid genre of its own, but
that's just me. With that said, it's amazing (and a bit disturbing) that I like
NETTG: TIT's version of the non-atomic Starlight Knight. So yeah... This is the
Best Sue fic ever. :P As such, let me repeat myself: can't wait for more. Keep
on writing.
Yay! Thanks for the commentary! I appreciate it greatly. What's
more, it keeps my mind on the fanfics in question, so it helps me get
back into the mood for writing and plotting.
And meditation, and torture, and knitting... yeah! ^_^
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"It is by no means possible for me to write down this science precisely as I
understand it in my heart." (Musashi Miyamoto)
"When I was a badger, I ate like a badger, sang as a badger, danced
like a badger... but when I became a squirrel, I put away badgerish
things. But I bring them out for weekends and Tuesdays."