Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto]Suiren, Chapter 8: Green...
From: "Eimii" <eimii@bresnan.net>
Date: 11/25/2006, 1:06 AM
To:

Disclaimer: At last, some other characters make an appearance! And 
guess
what- i still don't own any of them ^_^;. Kishimoto-sensei is the
creator and owner of most of the intellectual property used for this
fic, and i can't say i've been terribly successful in convincing him 
to
sell the rights to Sakura and Anko to me for two bags of airline 
peanuts
and a broken shoelace. I mean jeez, he never even uses them anymore;
damn greedy bastard...

Sakura's turn will probably come around again soon enough, hopefully.

We shall see; at the moment, she's become a 'component' of the reformed 
team 7 again...


Anko... well, who knows?

I honestly wonder if we'll ever see her again -_-;...


Sexual Humor Warning: Yup, Anko is still likes to embarrass confused 
and
impressionable young girls...

And boys.  And older men and women too.  And they don't really have to
be confused or impressionable, for that matter.

This is true... but she has found a new favorite toy ^_^.

Oh, yes...

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

You found a bunch of my little slip-ups this time; i should have looked 
at this chapter more closely before sending it out. At any rate, 
regarding the punctuation and grammar errors, i shall fix them...


And now, right after that exciting chapter... another relatively
uneventful one. Gomen ;_;! This chapter used to be two chapters: 
'Green'
and 'Breath, Part 1,' but since the first part of 'Breath' works 
better
as the end of 'Green,' i combined them and tried to cut out a lot of
text that felt unnecessary... while at the same time retconing a few
things that aren't quite true anymore, as of the most recent chapters
^_^;.

The revelations about the nature of kage bunshin and/or elemental 
jutu,
I take it?

A little of that; gonna have to modify some dialogue in the next few 
chapters on that score. Mostly, i took out at least three Anko POV 
paragraphs that were more or less filler to introduce Sakura's family 
situation... which has changed ^_^;;;.


You're more conscientious then me; I had a bunch of stuff that was
fairly contradictory, but I just borrowed some nomenclature from the
canon explanations and added enough vagueness that my stuff would sort
of be compatible with it if you squinted hard and pretended that 
Kakashi
was _really_ dumbing things down for Naruto.

I'm guilty of that a lot as well, but in this case, i've got an 
opportunity to make things mesh a little better, so i might as well take 
it...

The Third raised a placating hand. "Of course not. I have told you 
that
this means nothing; you are a ninja of the Hidden Leaf, and you have 
my
complete trust."

Perhaps should be just "told you that means nothing;"

Perhaps; not sure how formal/stilted the Hokage's speech pattern should 
be.

Had anyone else been present, they would have been shocked by the
chastened look that flashed across Anko's face. "...Thank you for 
your
concern, Hokage-sama," the brunette murmured, lowering her head.

I noticed you got an objection to the hypothetical observer here.  I
don't have any problem with it, but if you want to get rid of it
something like "Had the Hokage not known Anko so well, he would 
have..."
would work.

Hmm... i think that when i rewrite this, i may just make it from the 
Hokage's point of view; that really might be more telling.


Looking up again after she'd collect herself a bit, Anko faced her
leader with determined eyes. "But if it's not to keep me from meeting
Orochimaru, then why am I being removed from security detail?"

collect should be collected

Perhaps "meeting Orochimaru again"?  She did have the battle with him 
in
the Forest of Death relatively recently, after all.

True; will fix that.


Her composure must have frayed visibly, for the old man reddened, 
then
coughed behind his hand and shuffled the pages to the side. "Of 
course,
I know better than to take rumors at face value,

since mere lesbian pedophilia is a little too tame for you, 
Anko-chan."

_<;...


Sakura managed to turn herself over before getting caught again.
"@()*&$^! Are you _really_ gay, or just insane?!" she shrieked into 
the
examiner's madly grinning face.

Anko: Yes!

Naaaaah; if anything, she's gotta at least be bi, and i'm sure she would 
let Sakura know of that were the case ^_^;;...


"Actually, I guess there _is_ something I came here to tell you," she
admitted, "but I know someone who can say it better." Reaching into 
her
coat pocket, Anko extracted a small cassette recorder and set it on 
the
table, pressing the 'play' button.

'-Okay, could you say that again, Hokage-sama? I don't think she'll
believe me if I just tell her,' came Anko's surprisingly apologetic
voice from the tiny speaker on the front of the device.

I knew it was coming, but this bit still made me laugh out loud.  :)

Well, it's kind of an absurd idea ^_^;. I wonder if Anko even realizes 
what he's _really_ set up here...


'As the caretaker of this garden, it pains me to see any of my 
children
wither in neglect, without ever showing the world their beauty in 
full
bloom... and so I entrust this small flower to your care.' Sakura
shivered involuntarily as she suddenly had the eerie feeling that the
Hokage's last statement was directed at _her_, but that didn't make 
any
sense.

Translation:  "Haruno Sakura.  As the first person in over five years 
to
survive extended contact with Mitarshi Anko while remaining relatively
sane, you are assigned a S-class mission to keep her busy and as out 
of
trouble as possible.  Mission begins immediately."

...i'm really not sure how true the 'relatively sane' part is, 
anymore -_-;...

"It's not just a normal bunshin- it's physical, sort of like a
kagebunshin, 'cept it makes a copy of the victim instead of the
creator," Anko corrected proudly, indicating that Sakura should look
down at her arm. When she did, she noticed a small mark where Anko 
had
bitten her, in the shape of the character 'aku,' evil, the first 
kanji
in word 'oketsu,' impure blood. "It'll vanish when you deface that 
seal.
Now give it your clothes- we have to find you a disguise."

...interesting word choice with "victim" there, particularly given the
other properties of the technique (like the target being able to 
destroy
the clone).

Who says the target would be running around free? I figure, you capture 
the target and replace it with a bunshin that can act like the victim, 
bleed like a human, is controlled by _you_, and can be detonated like a 
bomb, and you've got a neat little disposible assassin...


I know why you made the change from the original version (stupid
canon...) but just being a copy of the target instead of the user 
really
makes the technique less... special and worthy of all the dark 
imagery,
compared to your original version.  After all, now it's practically 
the
same as Kagebunshin + Henge.

Oh, it's still much more than a regular kagebunshin; this trick is 
definitely on the 'forbidden jutsu' list, but Anko didn't use a regular 
kagebunshin + henge for a couple reasons. First, this is more chakra 
efficient, as it leeches chakra off of both her and Sakura, and doesn't 
take half her chakra to produce, and Second, a kagebunshin using henge 
would have a limited life span because continuous use of a technique 
would continually drain chakra from the chakra pattern that sustains it. 
Anko just didn't feel the need to explain any of this to Sakura, 
however.


Although... if the clone is under the user's command rather than the
target's, while still having all the memories and abilities of the
target through the blood link... that would be very powerful and 
worthy
of the imagery.  Though that's still hard to mesh with the target 
being
able to destroy the clone, and I recall that's plot-important later 
on.

*shrug* Just some thoughts.

The clone is durable and convincing enough to act as a long-term body 
double, while at the same time they can't be produced in bulk, so it 
really has a kind of different use than a Kagebunshin. This is an 
assassination technique... and probably not something that Anko should 
be using so lightly, but she's Anko ^_^;;...

"NO WAY! Absolutely not- I am _not_ going outside like this!"

"But Saaaakura-chaaaan, it's _perfect_!"

It's kind of a shame that's no longer a chapter-ender.  :)

I'd considered taking these lines out completely, but in the end decided 
to keep them.


Nodding slowly, Sakura waited for a few moments before following the
older woman around to the next section of bleachers. *Okay, I guess 
it
can wait a little longer. All I have to do is get Ino to listen, and 
I'm
sure everything will be fine.*

Alas, poor Sakura.

She hasn't been tormented enough by this point to have completely lost 
her innocence ^_^;;...

"AAAAARGH!" Face glowing like a brand, Ino slapped her hand to her 
eyes
and tried to run faster. *Dammit, what the hell does Sakura _see_ in
that woman?!*

Hee.  That's not a bad chapter-ender, either.

Heh... though i might have done better to add Breath part 2 to this 
chapter as well, as it really doesn't mesh well with Breath part 3 
 >_<;...


Insert usual "good chapter, looking forward to seeing more" note HERE.

-- 


Thank you! The next rewrite chapter at least shouldn't be too long in 
coming... i hope. Breath was by far one of the harder chapters to plan 
out, mostly becuase in the end i had to figure out what would happen 
when Sakura encountered Gaara >_<;. I'm not sure how much overhauling i 
will have to do on the next few sections...

~Eimii



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