Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto]Suiren, Chapter 8: Green...
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 11/25/2006, 12:26 AM
To: Eimii
CC: ffml@anifics.com

Eimii wrote:
Disclaimer: At last, some other characters make an appearance! And guess 
what- i still don't own any of them ^_^;. Kishimoto-sensei is the 
creator and owner of most of the intellectual property used for this 
fic, and i can't say i've been terribly successful in convincing him to 
sell the rights to Sakura and Anko to me for two bags of airline peanuts 
and a broken shoelace. I mean jeez, he never even uses them anymore; 
damn greedy bastard...

Sakura's turn will probably come around again soon enough, hopefully.

Anko... well, who knows?

Sexual Humor Warning: Yup, Anko is still likes to embarrass confused and 
impressionable young girls...

And boys.  And older men and women too.  And they don't really have to
be confused or impressionable, for that matter.

Extraneous "is" there, also.

Oh, yes...

Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

And now, right after that exciting chapter... another relatively 
uneventful one. Gomen ;_;! This chapter used to be two chapters: 'Green' 
and 'Breath, Part 1,' but since the first part of 'Breath' works better 
as the end of 'Green,' i combined them and tried to cut out a lot of 
text that felt unnecessary... while at the same time retconing a few 
things that aren't quite true anymore, as of the most recent chapters 
^_^;.

The revelations about the nature of kage bunshin and/or elemental jutu,
I take it?

You're more conscientious then me; I had a bunch of stuff that was
fairly contradictory, but I just borrowed some nomenclature from the
canon explanations and added enough vagueness that my stuff would sort
of be compatible with it if you squinted hard and pretended that Kakashi
was _really_ dumbing things down for Naruto.

"...Hokage-sama, I don't understand. With Orochimaru involved, I should 
be out helping with security for the third exam."

Though confusion was writ plainly on her face, Anko was careful to keep 
her voice even, out of respect for the wizened man in front of her. "Is 
it because the curse seal has reappeared?" she asked suddenly, unable to 
keep a note of distress from her voice.

The Third raised a placating hand. "Of course not. I have told you that 
this means nothing; you are a ninja of the Hidden Leaf, and you have my 
complete trust."

Perhaps should be just "told you that means nothing;"

When Anko relaxed, he added, with a fatherly smile, "Though I _do_ worry 
that you might do something foolish to try and prove your loyalty. I 
have no doubts about your strength, and no need to lose a good 
subordinate over pride and regret."

Comma after added is extraneous, I believe.  Same with the one after
strength.

Had anyone else been present, they would have been shocked by the 
chastened look that flashed across Anko's face. "...Thank you for your 
concern, Hokage-sama," the brunette murmured, lowering her head.

I noticed you got an objection to the hypothetical observer here.  I
don't have any problem with it, but if you want to get rid of it
something like "Had the Hokage not known Anko so well, he would have..."
would work.

Looking up again after she'd collect herself a bit, Anko faced her 
leader with determined eyes. "But if it's not to keep me from meeting 
Orochimaru, then why am I being removed from security detail?"

collect should be collected

Perhaps "meeting Orochimaru again"?  She did have the battle with him in
the Forest of Death relatively recently, after all.

Her composure must have frayed visibly, for the old man reddened, then 
coughed behind his hand and shuffled the pages to the side. "Of course, 
I know better than to take rumors at face value, 

since mere lesbian pedophilia is a little too tame for you, Anko-chan."

Sakura managed to turn herself over before getting caught again. 
"@()*&$^! Are you _really_ gay, or just insane?!" she shrieked into the 
examiner's madly grinning face.

Anko: Yes!

"Actually, I guess there _is_ something I came here to tell you," she 
admitted, "but I know someone who can say it better." Reaching into her 
coat pocket, Anko extracted a small cassette recorder and set it on the 
table, pressing the 'play' button.

'-Okay, could you say that again, Hokage-sama? I don't think she'll 
believe me if I just tell her,' came Anko's surprisingly apologetic 
voice from the tiny speaker on the front of the device.

I knew it was coming, but this bit still made me laugh out loud.  :)

'As the caretaker of this garden, it pains me to see any of my children 
wither in neglect, without ever showing the world their beauty in full 
bloom... and so I entrust this small flower to your care.' Sakura 
shivered involuntarily as she suddenly had the eerie feeling that the 
Hokage's last statement was directed at _her_, but that didn't make any 
sense.

Translation:  "Haruno Sakura.  As the first person in over five years to
survive extended contact with Mitarshi Anko while remaining relatively
sane, you are assigned a S-class mission to keep her busy and as out of
trouble as possible.  Mission begins immediately."

"Do you even know what 'mercy' means?" the pink-haired girl asked, 
quirking an eyebrow.

"Don't be so mean," the examiner whined in hurt tones, obviously faking 
it. "It's like, being nice to someone even though they don't deserve it, 
right?"

Hee.

"It's not just a normal bunshin- it's physical, sort of like a 
kagebunshin, 'cept it makes a copy of the victim instead of the 
creator," Anko corrected proudly, indicating that Sakura should look 
down at her arm. When she did, she noticed a small mark where Anko had 
bitten her, in the shape of the character 'aku,' evil, the first kanji 
in word 'oketsu,' impure blood. "It'll vanish when you deface that seal. 
Now give it your clothes- we have to find you a disguise."

...interesting word choice with "victim" there, particularly given the
other properties of the technique (like the target being able to destroy
the clone).

I know why you made the change from the original version (stupid
canon...) but just being a copy of the target instead of the user really
makes the technique less... special and worthy of all the dark imagery,
compared to your original version.  After all, now it's practically the
same as Kagebunshin + Henge.

Although... if the clone is under the user's command rather than the
target's, while still having all the memories and abilities of the
target through the blood link... that would be very powerful and worthy
of the imagery.  Though that's still hard to mesh with the target being
able to destroy the clone, and I recall that's plot-important later on.

*shrug* Just some thoughts.


Grumbling, Sakura stormed into the bathroom, shucking articles of 
clothing along the way. Shutting the shower curtain behind her, she 
peered suspiciously at the item that Anko had given her. It looked like 
a tiny smoke bomb. *What on earth...?* It seemed unlikely that the 
Jounin would do anything _this_ elaborate just to trick her, so, with a 
nervous gulp, she threw the pellet at her feet.

...I can't remember whether or not you've been capitalizing the
genin/chuunin/jounin titles so far.  I don't _think_ you have, and in
that case you'd need to change this one for consistency.

"I-" choking back another chuckle, Anko started again. "I've never seen 
it do _that_ color before- I didn't even know it could. But then, I've 
never met a 'natural pink' before, either. Only you, Sakura-chan..." 
shaking her head, Anko ducked back into the hall.

Shaking should be capitalized, since it's the start of a new sentence.

"NO WAY! Absolutely not- I am _not_ going outside like this!"

"But Saaaakura-chaaaan, it's _perfect_!"

It's kind of a shame that's no longer a chapter-ender.  :)

Nodding slowly, Sakura waited for a few moments before following the 
older woman around to the next section of bleachers. *Okay, I guess it 
can wait a little longer. All I have to do is get Ino to listen, and I'm 
sure everything will be fine.*

Alas, poor Sakura.

Sakura watched until everyone but Naruto and Neji had cleared the field, 
but still, the dark-eyed boy failed to appear. *I hope he's alright. 
Dammit, If Kakashi let something happen to Sasuke, I'll never forgive 
that broom-head.*

Either the comma after Dammit should be a period, or If shouldn't be
capitalized.

"Ah!" That's right- she'd been going to get Sakura so they could watch 
Sasuke's fight! The pink-haired girl's place was six blocks away, 
though, and she still had to convince Sakura's mom to let her go. *I've 
gotta hurry!* The blonde nodded and turned to leave. "I... thanks. I'd 
better go"

Missing punctuation.

"AAAAARGH!" Face glowing like a brand, Ino slapped her hand to her eyes 
and tried to run faster. *Dammit, what the hell does Sakura _see_ in 
that woman?!*

Hee.  That's not a bad chapter-ender, either.

Insert usual "good chapter, looking forward to seeing more" note HERE.

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." http://www.mimiru.net/ .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'