Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] Rendezvous with Fate - ch. 16
From: John Campbell
Date: 11/23/2006, 12:27 AM
To: Sebastian Palm

Sebastian Palm wrote:
Kikuko was a samurai, trained to kill, trained to hunt. Ifuku was a
servant for fifteen years now, housework was not the same.
The tense is messed up in the second sentence.  Choose a timeframe that is
either in the past or the present.

Not necessarily. The construction used is accepted usage, IIRC - just not
common, and usually with a comma between the state and the time descriptor
(i.e. between servant and for in this case). It reads fine now, but could be
better with that comma in place and the last comma replaced by a period,
separating the statement a little.

How about something more like:

Kikuko was a samurai, trained to hunt, trained to kill.  Ifuku had been 
a servant for the last fifteen years, housework was just not the same.

The first sentence needs to be flipped because the "hunt" always 
precedes the "kill."  It doesn't make much sense to start the hunt after 
you've finished the killing.

The second sentence is awfully weak, but then that's probably the point. 
   It's also not complete. "Same" refers to Kikuko's training, not 
Ifuko's housework, I keep wanting to tack "anymore" to the end.  But 
that would imply a different kind of "house cleaning."

Maybe change it to "housework was not in the same league" or "housework 
never prepared her for this kind of thing."

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