All of the following misinformed commentary is simply my own take on
things and shouldn't be blamed on either my parents or society in 
general.

"Eimii" <eimii@bresnan.net> wrote:

Though confusion was writ plainly on her face, Anko was careful to 
keep
her voice even, out of respect for the wizened man in front of her. 
"Is
it because the curse seal has reappeared?" she asked suddenly, unable 
to
keep a note of distress from her voice.

Ly, ly, ly, ly.

Whenever you see those two letters next to each other you might want 
to
carefully look things over again and see if you're hiding your dialog
behind too much scaffolding.

You ought to have seen this before i took a knife to it. I have much 
reduced the descriptives in this version, though it is apparent that 
there is still a significant disparity in our opinions of what 
consitutues an appropriate ratio of prose to dialog. I will say that i 
still think it's probably a little heavy, but not so much so that i feel 
it burdens the flow of dialog or story progression most of the time.

For example, take the word plainly here.  Who is it plain to and how 
do
they feel about it?  Is Anko worried about clues to her mental state 
that
she is unable to keep from leaking or does the old man see that he 
must
address her troubles in some fashion?

You could show this from either side and reveal more about the 
characters
than a judgement handed down from the author could convey.

I am uncomfortable writing Anko's character from an internal viewpoint, 
so i try to stay out of her head as much as possible. It probably would 
have gone smoother if i had chosen the Hokage's point of view, as Anko's 
character is the one this scene tries to establish; i might consider 
rewriting this section if i do a more thorough rework of this chapter 
later.

When Anko relaxed, he added, with a fatherly smile, "Though I _do_ 
worry
that you might do something foolish to try and prove your loyalty. I
have no doubts about your strength, and no need to lose a good
subordinate over pride and regret."

Underscores standing in for italics.  Even though you don't do it a 
lot,
it still distracts from the flow.

I can't use actual italics in deference to the 'make it compatible with 
the most basic text based browser' guideline. If you have a suggestion 
for a better kludge, i'm all ears. When i publish in forums that use 
HTML as the lowest common denominator, both emphasis and 'thought 
speech' are in italics.

Had anyone else been present, they would have been shocked by the
chastened look that flashed across Anko's face. "...Thank you for 
your
concern, Hokage-sama," the brunette murmured, lowering her head.

The use of hypothetical observers suggests to me that you're grasping 
for
the right point of view.  Since this is mostly Anko's story, why not 
show
her side of things?

Stated above; I did not at the time of writing, and do not even now have 
a firm idea of Anko's internal process; the scene probably should have 
been written from the Hokage's POV.

Her composure must have frayed visibly

Would this be visible to the hypothetical observers above or one of 
the
people actually in the room?

The loss of composure would be visible to the Hokage, the Hokage's 
reaction would be visible to Anko, and because the point of view for 
this section is nominally Anko, she would have to infer that she had 
reacted visibly from his reaction. I don't use a totally author 
omnicient or totally character constrained point of view. I choose one 
character in each scene to determine the reader's primary point of view.

This means that their thoughts and assessments are visible to the 
reader, while the thoughts and assessments of other characters must be 
inferred. When i write from the POV of characters that are less 
observant, i try to limit what they can infer even further, but i never 
totally constrain what the reader can be aware of to just what that 
character POV can observe; I cheat a little.

Leaving the brush in the bowl, Sakura stripped off her yellow 
cleaning
gloves and wandered out to the foyer.

While not all who wander are forever lost, the word does imply a less 
than
direct route.  So where does she go?

Another verb might have worked better, though i'm not sure which one. 
The implication should have been that Sakura was less than purposeful in 
her travel from the bathroom to the front door; had there been a 
selection of viable routes from the bathroom to the front door, she 
would have taken the least direct one.

"I could feel it when you leaned against the door, Sakura-chan," Anko
sang knowingly. "Are you gonna let me in, or are you just gonna leave 
me
standing out here, pining on your doorstep?"

To what tune is she singing?

...at this point, i'm not sure if you're seriously questioning my verb 
choice or not.

"Get in here before Kiba sees you," she commanded, slamming the door
shut right after the examiner had complied.

Yeah, nobody ever says anything anymore. There's always some other 
verb
tossed in there to restate whatever was just said.

I am conscious of the fact that i very rarely use the verb 'say,' or 
other verbs that don't imply some sort of character or emotion inherent 
in the action. I don't like simple verbs; sorry if this upsets you 
^_^;...

"Do you even know what 'mercy' means?" the pink-haired girl asked,
quirking an eyebrow.

How exactly do you quirk an eyebrow and where did she get it?  I 
suppose
she must have found that eyebrow lying around somewhere.

>From Merriam-Webster's online dictionary:
Main Entry: 2quirk
Function: verb
: CURVE, TWIST <quirked his eyebrows>

"Of course I wasn't serious!" the pink-hared girl snapped. Throwing 
her
hands up in the air, Sakura collapsed over the armrest behind her and
stared lazily up at the ceiling. "...which one of us is Hokage-sama
punishing, do you think?" she wondered aloud.

The beats are coming on so fast that I feel beat up.

Should i endeavor to reduce the speed for easier consumption, or merely 
feel pleased at this act of prosaic pugilism? I'm not sure...

~Eimii 


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