Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto]Suiren, Chapter 8: Green...
From: "Henry J. Cobb" <>
Date: 11/23/2006, 2:39 PM

All of the following misinformed commentary is simply my own take on
things and shouldn't be blamed on either my parents or society in general.

"Eimii" <> wrote:
Though confusion was writ plainly on her face, Anko was careful to keep
her voice even, out of respect for the wizened man in front of her. "Is
it because the curse seal has reappeared?" she asked suddenly, unable to
keep a note of distress from her voice.

Ly, ly, ly, ly.

Whenever you see those two letters next to each other you might want to
carefully look things over again and see if you're hiding your dialog
behind too much scaffolding.

For example, take the word plainly here.  Who is it plain to and how do
they feel about it?  Is Anko worried about clues to her mental state that
she is unable to keep from leaking or does the old man see that he must
address her troubles in some fashion?

You could show this from either side and reveal more about the characters
than a judgement handed down from the author could convey.

When Anko relaxed, he added, with a fatherly smile, "Though I _do_ worry
that you might do something foolish to try and prove your loyalty. I
have no doubts about your strength, and no need to lose a good
subordinate over pride and regret."

Underscores standing in for italics.  Even though you don't do it a lot,
it still distracts from the flow.

Had anyone else been present, they would have been shocked by the
chastened look that flashed across Anko's face. "...Thank you for your
concern, Hokage-sama," the brunette murmured, lowering her head.

The use of hypothetical observers suggests to me that you're grasping for
the right point of view.  Since this is mostly Anko's story, why not show
her side of things?

Her composure must have frayed visibly

Would this be visible to the hypothetical observers above or one of the
people actually in the room?

Leaving the brush in the bowl, Sakura stripped off her yellow cleaning
gloves and wandered out to the foyer.

While not all who wander are forever lost, the word does imply a less than
direct route.  So where does she go?

"I could feel it when you leaned against the door, Sakura-chan," Anko
sang knowingly. "Are you gonna let me in, or are you just gonna leave me
standing out here, pining on your doorstep?"

To what tune is she singing?

"Get in here before Kiba sees you," she commanded, slamming the door
shut right after the examiner had complied.

Yeah, nobody ever says anything anymore. There's always some other verb
tossed in there to restate whatever was just said.

"Do you even know what 'mercy' means?" the pink-haired girl asked,
quirking an eyebrow.

How exactly do you quirk an eyebrow and where did she get it?  I suppose
she must have found that eyebrow lying around somewhere.

"Of course I wasn't serious!" the pink-hared girl snapped. Throwing her
hands up in the air, Sakura collapsed over the armrest behind her and
stared lazily up at the ceiling. "...which one of us is Hokage-sama
punishing, do you think?" she wondered aloud.

The beats are coming on so fast that I feel beat up.

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