Subject: [FFML] Re: [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 7: Contact...
From: "Eimii" <eimii@bresnan.net>
Date: 11/23/2006, 11:54 PM
To:

Eimii wrote:
Gratuitous Warning: ^_^; Er... you'll see...

Mwahahah.


There really is a lot in this story that's gratuitous; i just hope it 
also manages to be amusing ^_^;...


Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

Aaaaaarg! I can't believe i forgot to keep doing revised chapters! 
I've
been stuck on the next new chapter of Suiren for over a month >_<;. 
At
any rate, this chapter has just gotten a light touch of paint and 
some
new rims; i could swear i was planning on dropping it down, chopping 
the
end and maybe adding some lights or something, but right now, i just
can't remember what i was going for -_-;.

Well, we'll see what I can find that might use some changing. 
Probably
not much, but one never knows.

I think i was going to go into more detail during Sakura's visit to the 
doctor...


And good luck breaking that writer's block with the next chapter.  I
hate it when that happens to me.

I believe i shall just keep doing these renewals until i'm in a 'Naruto' 
mood again; it's been a while since the actual, original series has 
entertained me, which makes writing fanfiction for it hard...


Watching the two fair-haired kunoichi size up each other across the
broad dirt road that separated them, Akamichi Choji wore a perplexed
expression.

"size each other up" sounds more natural to me than "size up each
other", but I don't think the latter is _wrong_, so feel free to leave
it as is.

Hmm... yeah; i'll probably change that.


Still, the hefty boy was skeptical. "But they're both girls, and
everyone knows Sakura's after Sasuke."

"What- y'mean Ino 'n Shikamaru didn't tell ya? They saw-"

Poor, poor Sakura-chan.

Sakura gets abused a lot in this story, but only because i like her ^_^.

"Eeh...?" Looking again, the fanged boy frowned and crossed his arms.
"Yeah, I guess she does got more meat on 'er." A faint leer spread
across Kiba's face, but it didn't seem to be directed at the object 
of
their scrutiny. "Heh... I wonder if Hinata would wanna do some 
'strength
trainin''..."

Looking at it a couple times, the "trainin''..." is right, but... it
really looks wrong.  You might want to consider rewording to avoid 
that
''..." somehow.

Yeah; i looked at that line a few times as well. Trying to convey a 
clipped mode of speech is hard, without making it look stupid >_<;.


"...I think I would like that, Kiba-kun," came a quiet, hopeful voice
from behind the boys. "Could you help me?"

*grin*

I don't think i could write a Naruto fic where Hinata isn't cute; i'm 
not sure i could wrap my mind around the concept...


"We don't know; it's all just rumors, so far," the shadow-user 
answered
quickly, trying to keep the conversation from becoming too 
troublesome.

Sakura has no idea how much she owes Shikamaru... think of how much
_worse_ things would be without him.

Maybe, maybe not; Shikamaru's efforts at damage control aren't _nearly_ 
as vigorous as Kiba's efforts at being a total ass...


"I don't have a clue what's going on behind that _huge_ forehead of
yours, Sakura, but if you seriously think that you've got a chance in
Hell of beating me just because of that freakish fluke at the exam,
you've got another thing coming!"

I noticed that Lurker pointed out that, technically, it should be
"another think"

On the other hand, "another thing" is what people tend to actually
_say_, and this is dialogue.  *shrug*

Aye; i wasn't even aware that there was an 'orignal source' to be 
considered.



*Well, I'll give this to Sakura: she really knows how to push Ino's
buttons,* Shikamaru grumbled internally, wondering if Sakura had 
planned
on their being such a large number of witnesses.

"their" should be "there", I believe.


Will fix.

Sakura's dash turned into a lunging somersault as her opponent 
evaded.
Reaching out to grab Ino's trailing foot, Sakura twisted her body 
around
and uncoiled into rising kick that crashed against the blond 
kunoichi's
hastily crossed arms, sending Ino tumbling backward as Sakura let go 
and
flipped away.

"into a rising kick"

Noticed that right after i sent it >_<;.


In terms of speed, Ino and Sakura were about even, but Sakura's
ground-hugging advance had allowed her to enter striking range faster
than Ino had anticipated. The tactic left Sakura's back dangerously
exposed, and had Ino been expecting it, it could have failed
spectacularly. Sakura had counted on Ino being unprepared for a 
headlong
charge, and used the element of surprise to set Ino up for a 
variation
on the Leaf Spinning Wind that used a grapple rather than a sweep, 
using
leverage to compensate for Ino's upward momentum.

Judging from the way Ino was subtly testing her injured arm, Choji's
estimate of Sakura's striking power was spot on. The slight 
difference
in their taijutsu levels would now be exacerbated by the fact that 
Ino
had taken the brunt of the damage on her dominant right hand, but 
Ino's
best attacks weren't taijutsu, so unless Sakura had something else up
her sleeve, the pink-haired girl had yet to gain a definitive 
advantage.

Hmm.  This analysis seems a little long, considering that it should be
taken place during a quick pause in the battle.  You might want to
consider whether it can be trimmed to be a bit less verbose.  As is, I
think it interrupts the flow a little bit too much.

I could always be wrong.

I'll try to cut it down, though this is supposed to be from Shikamaru's 
perspective, and he's supposed to be some sort of genius, so having all 
of these thoughts in such a short stretch of time is maybe not such a 
feat for him... but i do agree that it breaks time up a little much for 
the reader -_-;.


Meanwhile, Ino had apparently decided that she wasn't going to wait 
to
see what else Sakura might spring on her. Forming a familiar set of
seals, she created three bunshin, using them as a momentarily blind
while she moved into hand-to-hand range.

"momentarily" should be "momentary" I believe.

Ack.


Hmm.  Didn't Ino mock Sakura for using that tactic during their fight 
in
the prelims?

I think she did, but just because it's a basic tactic doesn't mean that 
it can't be useful. Much as it seems stupid sometimes, ninja seem to 
like to hold as much in reserve as they can. This is one reason that 
Sakura in this fares better in Suiren than some of her contemporaries; 
she has less pride than most of the others, so she pulls out the best 
technique she can think of every time, so that she can win as fast as 
possible, and therefore perhaps stave off an untimely death ^_^;;...


With a snarl, the blonde hopped back to her feet, but immediately had 
to
dodge needles from two directions at once. Despite her best efforts,
_both_ of them managed to graze her lightly. Blood welling from fresh
cuts on her thigh and cheek, Ino swept her gaze around the circle of
kunoichi, looking for the attack that she knew would follow.

Hmm.  Even knowing what she's doing, I'm not quite sure how Sakura
manages to pull that one off.

Hmm... what part is confusing you?

"...Self-taught?" Anko wondered, sounding a bit stunned.

"Un," Sakura affirmed with a nod.

"All of it?" the brunette pressed, the shock in her voice clearly
evident. "Even that possession thing you used on me?" Almost shaking
with some unreadable emotion, Anko was glaring at her now, as if
_daring_ her to say that it was so.

*Uh-oh...*

Poor, poor Sakura-chan.  Wait, did I use that one already this 
chapter?  :)


Heh; Sakura doesn't get any breaks for quite a while...


Just as Sakura was probably about to protest her innocence, the 
taller
woman leaned down and placed a hand on Sakura's shoulder. "Ooooh, I
think she's jealous!" Anko commented in a scandalized tone.

Ah, Anko.  Mistress of making a bad situation even _worse_.  :)

It wouldn't be as fun if she weren't so evil ^_^...


"Aaargh! &#()&!"

"SAKURA-CHAN! What did you just say!?"

Yes, what did she just say? :)


I've considered just using profanities... but honestly, i don't know a 
very good variety of them myself, and Sakura has a really, really foul 
mouth when she's upset. If she and Tayuya ever meet, it's going to be 
ugly ^_^;;...



...well, hopefully I said something mildly useful in all that.  :)


Ah, usefulness is overrated! You did catch some stuff that i missed, 
though, so it's all good. Thanks for the reply!

~Eimii 


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