"StudioPC" <email@example.com> wrote:
Carol Danvers clicked off her comlink and smiled coldly. Finally,
some action. She was a tall, athletic woman, with blond hair and the
fine features of a model and soft curves under the midnight blue of
her uniform. However, she only looked soft. In fact, she was a ten
year veteran of the Air Force, and five years with S.H.I.E.L.D. She
was also a fully trained and blooded combat pilot and served as
Fury's right hand man.
Right at the start you've started skipping between points of view.
The "Finally" comment is internal, unless she's talking to herself.
In fact, the "In fact" construct has been done to death so many times that
it makes me cringe whenever I see it. If you stick to the facts then you
don't have to call them facts.
Not bad for a girl from the middle of nowhere America.
So at this point I don't know know if this line is supposed to be internal
thought, like "Finally", or if it is the author explaining things to me
from an external viewpoint like the "However" line, because things have
gotten mixed back and forth so many times in so few lines.
So my suggestion would be to stay inside, only noting things that are
notable from the character's perspective or stay outside and only show
things that anybody could see by watching them.