Subject: [FFML] Re: [FanFic][SM] NETTG - Terra in Tokyo Ch.2
From: Abdiel
Date: 11/21/2006, 11:12 AM
To: "Benjamin A. Oliver" <benjamin.a.oliver@gmail.com>

Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

And my current victim is... ;)

On 4/5/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
G'day!

Toldja you'd get the rest of the series! =D

Yes indeedy, you did. ^_^

I'll prolly release it in half-week increments.  Give people proper time to
absorb it and such.  No major philosophical statements this time.  Got a
masters project writeup to finish.  So for now, it's....

(shrugs) Shouldn't that be 'write-up' instead of 'writeup'? 
 
She was in her pajamas and her poor throbbing body felt like it had been put
through a food processor on 'puree.'

Suggest: 'puree'.

       Like chunks of a badly frayed jigsaw puzzle, 

Suggest: badly-frayed jigsaw puzzle,

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

Terra gradually put her thoughts
back in order.  "I was talking with some guy and he hit me hard in the head
with an electric gas-powered guitar."

Hanna-Barbera: ...HEY!

Was Terra hit by the nineties version of El Kabong, complete with the electric,
gas-powered version of a guitar as seen in the forgotten kiddy cartoon series
'Yo, Yogi'? (cringes at remembering 'Magilla Ice')

       When she finally got her muscles to respond, she set about getting out
the
clothing she'd use that day.  The previous morning, her mother had laid out
her
blue and white sailor dress, and since that seemed to be Juuban Junior High's
school uniform, Terra determined that it would be more of the same today.

Boy, she does have a penchant for the obvious. Like me! ^_^

Looking through her closet, she found a half dozen matching uniforms, 

Suggest: half-dozen

       But first, she'd need a shower.  She grabbed a towel and went down the
hall to
the bathroom, and quickly discovered an astonishing lack of shower equipment
available.  There was a bucket, a stool, and a big tiled bathtub.

Suggest: big-tiled bathtub (if it's the tiles that 'big' is modifying)

Or: big, tiled bathtub (if it's the tiled bathtub that 'big' is modifying)

       Terra eventually rigged up a remedy that involved filling up the
bucket from
the faucet, washing up, and dumping the water over herself.  

Feh. Gaijin and their over-reliance on technology.

Typical Japanese Youth (looks up as he fumbles with his myriad of gadgets):
Wow. Now _there's_ a reversal of stereotypes! 

 
       "Itekki-maa... something or other.  Bye, Mom!"

Heh. Hooray for poking fun at authors that use gratuitous Japanese in their
anime fics! I consider myself poked! ^_^

       "I AM THE FIRST HARBINGER OF DESTRUCTION!!" the robot bellowed through
speakers
in its chest.  "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE!  SAY YOUR PRAYERS!  HA HA HA
HAAAA!!!"

Heh. I've been geekily surfing the web too much; I actually _know_ what this
dialogue is referencing... I also feel somewhat old, remembering this internet
phenomenon. Tsk, tsk.
 
       When the dust parted, the First Harbinger of Destruction was frozen in
place,
its claw held up easily by a tall man in shining green camouflage armor.

Suggest: shining-green

       "Don't call me princess, baka," Terra said.  

But 'Princess Baka' has such a nice ring to it...

She felt proud having  been able

having been (extra space in between the two words)

       Terra didn't reply.  She only whimpered from the re-emerging pain and
trudged
onward towards school.

reemerging (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)

       The Star Light Knight folded his arms and turned away.  "Fine!  See if
I ever
help you out again!"  For all his bravado, though, his voice was tainted with
sadness and grief.

       The First Harbinger of Destruction put a comforting claw on his
shoulder, but
he smacked it away.  "Hey, hands off the steel, buddy."

<g> Ah,yes. The brain-melting silliness reminiscent of Excel Saga...

       The quizzes got passed out, and Terra struggled to focus upon hers. 
They were
word associations, mostly, accompanied by a bit of math.  "If Hat is to
foot,"
she subvocalized, "as... boot is to head, then cat is to... what?"  The
choices
were dog, slipper, collar, and rugrat.

Hell, even I can't answer that.

       "Ah, yes!  Right, right."  Terra blushed in embarassment, 

embarassment --> embarrassment

Terra: Embarassed? Why should I be embarassed? 

       "Let me see that," said the teacher.  Her eyes widened as she scanned
the
answers.  "You must have cheated... no, wait, there's explanations written

Suggest: cheated... No, wait, there's (separate clauses, cap the second clause
accordingly)

       "No," Terra replied, "it's just that... the world seems somehow...
clearer
today."  Actually, things started becoming clear for her during the pop quiz.
She remembered what S.L.K. had said about the seal on her mind--that he'd
broken it.  

Suggest: mind; that

Whatever happened to her mind, it seemed to
go much deeper than simply unlocking her memories and improving her I.Q.  She
trepedaciously wondered where the surprises might end.

Unless this word was used for comedic effect (or unless MS Word's thesaurus has
missed yet another valid dictionary word), suggest: trepedaciously -->
worriedly (root word: 'worry', synonym of 'trepidation')
 
       "Mom!  What's going on?" Naru called through the bustle of the crowd.

       "That's right, everyone!" Naru's mother called through a megaphone. 
"For
today, it's ninety percent off on EVERYTHING!"

Aw. It's the first episode of Sailor Moon, continuity-wise. Thought you might
be using the 'in medias res/n the middle of things' setup in this story without
the recap. Thankfully though, it doesn't quite read cliche enough to detract
from the plot points themselves (like, say, starting a Ranma fanfic with the
eponymous 'Here's Ranma!' episode), so it's all good.
 
       Naru slapped her forehead and groaned.  "Oh no, she's finally snapped.
 All
those years setting gems and ingraving 

ingraving --> engraving

       "All right!" Usagi exclaimed.  She whipped out her little money pouch
and
reached in side.  Frowning, she turned the bag upside down and shook it.  A
ball of lint and half a cotton swab fell out.  "Aww!  I knew I shouldn't have
bought that last ice cream sunday yesterday."

sunday --> sundae

...Even though it's Usagi talking, the misspelled type of (unintentional) pun
is kind of lost on the people she's talking to considering the fact that this
is dialogue that's being said out loud. If it's just a crazy misspelling, then
you know what to do.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

before--prettier, actually, since now she could appreciate it on another
level.
 On the other hand, adorning one's self with bits of metal and rock could be

Formatting error: Extra space before 'On the other hand'.

so elegant, only a couple thousand yen.  A rough calculation in her head put
that at less than 10 pounds sterling.

Incidentally, was this the circa 1992-96 exchange rate? XD Or in manga terms,
the late 80s/before-the-bubble-economy-burst exchange rate? :P 

       She stopped.  The jewel had been ice cold when it had been handed to
her.
Looking down at it, she saw it glow and shine brightly.  A wispy thread of
something that looked like a light mist flowed out from her chest to the gem.

Seeing that Terra's under the classification of Marianous Sueious (under the
subclass Parodius), of course she'd be giving enough energy to make the jewel
piping hot and some such.

       But then, then flow stopped and the diamond started vibrating.  It let
out a
high-pitched whine and finally shattered.

And of course this would happen.

       Back at home, Terra sat down, opened her bookbag, 

Suggest: book-bag

and started on her homework.
It was a little something on the highlights of Japanese history from Oda
Nobunga
up until the Meiji era.  She whipped out a pen and finished the worksheets in
a
couple of minutes.  Then she realized that she actually knew nothing about
Japanese history, so she went through her books and confirmed that she'd
gotten
the answers right.

(sweatdrop) Sounds about as Marianous Sueious as you can get. 

       Terra finally remembered to take her shoes off, since that's what
Japanese
people tended to do inside their houses, and went upstairs.  But then she
remembered that she was Irish, so she went back down and put them back on
before heading up again.

(bigsweat) I think I'm going to be dehydrated soon if this keeps up.
 
       It all began with a bang, and superheated components of the universe
later
cooled into stars, which later allowed planets and smaller celestial objects
to
form.  On one world, a black ooze spewed out from cracks in the lithosphere

I don't think you need the article 'a' before 'black ooze'.

       The girl pieced together a solid view of the universe, beginning with
a matter
explosion, leading up to the creation of the solar system, the evolution of
mankind from bacteria, rats, monkeys, and other lower lifeforms.  

lifeforms --> life forms/life-forms (non-dictionary-verifiable word, separate
the words)

famous for.  But then she saw the whiskers, the catlike face, the fins, and
tail, along with the odd green, black, and white pattern on its back, and
didn't know what to make of it.

Sooner or later, it'd be a must to market an ArbyFish plushy. Like those Garry
Gnu ones; a doll that survived long after the popularity of its show died out.
An ArbyFish plushy would be roight and propa, 'tis.

       "'Ello sez Oye ta Yew ta Me n' Yew back in return," it greeted her in
a formal
tone.  "Who's ya wotsit, ow's ya 'shroominum?"

       Terra's perfect mental view of the universe wavered, ever so slightly.

...Sounds about right.

Suggest: getting rid of the comma after 'wavered'.


"Wha...?"

       "Al-yew-shroominum!  Well, ya can't pick a nut'atch before sunroise if
ya don't
gots th' proppa' pop off th' yellow red green mush-rock.  Isn't'chew?"

I'm getting a flashback of Austin Powers, on the scene where father and son
were talking about a person who shat on a turtle.

       If the girl's universal theory had been a mirror, a spiderweb 

Suggest: spider-web

       The seal-like creature started hopping across her head back and forth
such that
one might imagine that it was pacing.  "After awl, it's in th' lawbooks.

lawbooks --> law books

       On the last, desperate hope she had that she might be hallucinating,
she

I don't think you need 'she had' after 'hope' and before 'that she might'; it's
extraneous and ruins prose flow, IMO.

       "Junia' 'oigh school student?"  The ArbyFish whiped 

whiped --> whipped

out a book and flipped
through it.  "Oh, so yew's a very rare species a' peacock?  Roight!  Spread
ya
feathers!"  It briefly spread out Terra's pleated skirt to the point where
her
slip was showing, but then she pulled her clothes back and and brushed the

Extra 'and' after 'pulled her clothes back and'

       "A'course!" the creature replied in a jovial, salesmanlike way.  

Suggest: salesman-like way (because 'salesmanlike', unlike businesslike or even
wraithlike, is a non-dictionary-verifiable word)

       Terra took the license agreement and read through it.  Just like Arby,
it was
just plain wrong.  "I'm not signing this!  It says I give you all my rights,
my
immortal soul... plus a million, bazillion yen! 

Dr. Evil: ...Roight.

       Arby smiled and handed her a series of brochures entitled, "Silver
Millennium
Powers," "So You Want to Be a Sailor Senshi," "Energy Draining:  The Truth
About Earth, the Dark Kingdom, and You," and "Moon Prism Power for Dummies."

Heh. Intentional or not, this skit is a good poke at J.K. Rowling's collection
of fictional books in the HP universe.

       Terra skimmed through the brocures.  They were difficult to decipher
in the

brocures --> brochures

I notice that you seem to get lax with your fairly-decent spelling and grammar
whenever ArbyFish is in the scene. I guess he has that effect on people, even
the author. ^^;

       "I recognize that.  That's a hallucinagenic mushroom!"

hallucinagenic --> hallucinogenic

       "Now say, 'Shroom Prism Powah!'"

       "'Shroom Prism Power?" Terra asked.  Nothing happened.  "Why?"

       "Oye dunno.  Just wanted ta see if yew'd say it."

Hehehe.

       "Arby!" Terra scolded the ArbyFish.

       "The real phrase is: Moon Prism Power."

I'm surprised he didn't pronounce it as 'Moon Proism Powah'.

She went back to cleaning the dishes.  "I hope that fuku's warm enough for
her.
 It gets very cold at night here."  She hummed her favorite tune to herself.

Formatting error: Extra space before 'It gets very'.
 
(The Osa-P jewelry store erupts into flames.)

Sailor Nuke:  Sailor Nuke sez.  BWAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!

Sailor Kawaii:  And Sailor Kawaii says.  Tee-hee!

Ah. You've indeed captured the pain the N.A. dub in a humorous manner.
 
----

Author:  This is like... a bunch of marketing people got a hold of the series
and decided to rewrite it.  Who did this?!

Arby(flutters in):  Oye did!  Roight proppa' marketing techniques, it is!

So this fic is like the movie version of Buffy the (innocuous and
hairspray-wielding) Vampire Slayer in regards to the Buffyverse?

First off, let's talk grammar and spelling: in comparison to your
technically-superb writing in the first chapter of NETTG: TIT (snickers), this
time around your fairly-good writing and proofreading was slightly marred by
the presence/absence of proper hyphenation. It bears repeating...

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

And...

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

Also...

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

These are basic rules, and you did quite well in keeping with them save the
ArbyFish segments. And no, I'm not talking about ArbyFish's misspellings for
the sake of comedy; you really did have some unintentional misspellings and
technical errors in there. But don't worry, like before, your simple prose was
virtually error free, and I thank you for it. Save for these three broken
grammar rules, you're among the elite of the elite when it comes to 'technical
excellence in fanfic'. Good work on that regard.

As for the story itself... Oh boy. The trippiest element of your fic series,
ArbyFish, has finally come into the fray. I think that in itself already speaks
volumes. Can't wait for more...


Paalam!
Abdiel

--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.


...Heh. :P Seriously speaking, it's indeed interesting to see Terra develop
from brain-dead girl who somehow lost her memories of being a world-devouring
monster to a, well, idiot-savant reminiscent of Kaolla Su. Or perhaps a lot
less emphasis on the idiot part, as Terra quickly shifted from being the butt
of the jokes to straight(wo)man to ArbyFish's antics. Then again, despite the
general silliness going around the fic, I did notice that a firm and stable
plot line underneath it. I also noticed it in the first chapter, but this time
around it's more apparent. Plot points such as the reason behind Terra's
amnesia and mind lobotomy, er, _sealing_, the Non-Atomic Starlight Knight's
less offensive and grating-to-the-nerves appearance (never did like him, even
in NETTG classic... reminds me a bit too much of Carrot from Insertion... which
makes sense, 'coz ASKA's the one that inspired Insertion in the first place),
and the reason behind her becoming the new Chibimoon opens up quite a lot to
delve into. It not only promises more silliness, it also promises more, well,
plot points and actual story, and I like that in a work of fiction. Add that to
all the other elements that made NETTG... NETTG, and we may have something
here. 

David Letterman: Is that really... something?

Paul Schaffer: (laughs spastically) Yeah, I think it's something.

As such, can't wait for more. Keep on writing.


Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel

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