On 11/21/06, Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com> wrote:
Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Is you a Lovecraftian god, then? Are you squidlike and have tentacles?
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
Meh, 'sokay. A lot of my inital Ranma fanfic stuff was based off only
other fanfics. Hadn't seen a single episode up until a few years
back. ^^
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
Mwahahaha.
You'll neva' stop me from getting to Jolly Olde Englande. No one can!
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
But... you don't understand! I HAVE to use feedback or my shoulder
starts twitching uncontrollably. Even bad feedback I have problems
not using sometimes. o_O
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
I dunno, there's some real gems in Ezekiel.
And my current victim is... ;)
...a two-toed, tongue-twisted wombat!? NO, FOR THE LOVE OF
HINDENBURG, DON'T SACRIFICE IT TO HELLO KITTY! NOT THE KITTY, PLEASE,
EVIL MASTER!!!
Oh, wait, you mean me. Well, that's all right then. ^_^
On 4/5/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
G'day!
Toldja you'd get the rest of the series! =D
Yes indeedy, you did. ^_^
And you'll get the rest of it (like, post chapter 11), once either
Larry does some edits, or I break down and do it myself. (Authors
proofreading their own fanfics... WHAT'S THIS WORLD COMING TO??)
I'll prolly release it in half-week increments. Give people proper time to
absorb it and such. No major philosophical statements this time. Got a
masters project writeup to finish. So for now, it's....
(shrugs) Shouldn't that be 'write-up' instead of 'writeup'?
Correct or not, I enjoy combining words. Yes, should probably be
write-up. But oftentimes I prefer compound words such as,
"Whatshisbucket" and "howsyerfoozle."
She was in her pajamas and her poor throbbing body felt like it had been put
through a food processor on 'puree.'
Suggest: 'puree'.
You know, I did some reading on that. There's apparently a difference
in usage from American English and British English.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Full_stop#Differences_in_British_English_and_American_English
The gist of it is... American English has the nasty tendency to put
all punctuation, obsessively and compulsively, inside any and all
quotation marks.
That goes for the comma as well:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comma_%28punctuation%29#American_.26_British_differences
So, either usages are correct. Inside the USA, the period inside the
quote is preferred, and outside the USA (Canada, India, the UK, etc.)
the reverse is true.
I figure... as much as I like my international audience (Hi Esa! Hi
Jussi! ^_^), I would have to do things such as add a "u" to color and
armor if I chose to use the international punctuation scheme. I mean,
if I were going for 100% correctness.
Brian Randall's already gotten me using four-period ellipses when
ending a sentence on a trailing-off thought....
Like chunks of a badly frayed jigsaw puzzle,
Suggest: badly-frayed jigsaw puzzle,
Okay.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
Mmm... Okee-du. Fixed that instance in my copy.
Terra gradually put her thoughts
back in order. "I was talking with some guy and he hit me hard in the head
with an electric gas-powered guitar."
Hanna-Barbera: ...HEY!
^_^_^_^
Was Terra hit by the nineties version of El Kabong, complete with the electric,
gas-powered version of a guitar as seen in the forgotten kiddy cartoon series
'Yo, Yogi'? (cringes at remembering 'Magilla Ice')
Ahh, Yo, Yogi! I remember getting up before 7:00 AM to watch that and
Captain N. Muppet Babies required getting up at 6:00 AM, but I did
that too. *sigh* Memories...
S.L.K. actually hit her with something similar to what was employed in
the FLCL series.
...FURIKURII! ^_^_^_^
When she finally got her muscles to respond, she set about getting out
the
clothing she'd use that day. The previous morning, her mother had laid out
her
blue and white sailor dress, and since that seemed to be Juuban Junior High's
school uniform, Terra determined that it would be more of the same today.
Boy, she does have a penchant for the obvious. Like me! ^_^
Sometimes the most blindingly obvious can be worked together to form
the most complex and confusing plotlines. ^_^
Looking through her closet, she found a half dozen matching uniforms,
Suggest: half-dozen
Okay. Fixed it in my copy.
But first, she'd need a shower. She grabbed a towel and went down the
hall to
the bathroom, and quickly discovered an astonishing lack of shower equipment
available. There was a bucket, a stool, and a big tiled bathtub.
Suggest: big-tiled bathtub (if it's the tiles that 'big' is modifying)
Or: big, tiled bathtub (if it's the tiled bathtub that 'big' is modifying)
The tiled bathtub is what is big. So, that'll now read...
But first, she'd need a shower. She grabbed a towel and went down
the hall to the bathroom, and quickly discovered an astonishing lack
of shower equipment available. There was a bucket, a stool, and a
big, tiled bathtub.
Terra eventually rigged up a remedy that involved filling up the
bucket from
the faucet, washing up, and dumping the water over herself.
Feh. Gaijin and their over-reliance on technology.
Typical Japanese Youth (looks up as he fumbles with his myriad of gadgets):
Wow. Now _there's_ a reversal of stereotypes!
XD So it is!
A bathroom with basically just a furo might initally strike an
inexperienced foreigner as odd.
"Itekki-maa... something or other. Bye, Mom!"
Heh. Hooray for poking fun at authors that use gratuitous Japanese in their
anime fics! I consider myself poked! ^_^
I mean, it used to be cool when Japanese words had a specific and
special flavor to them, but in the end... why ask, "NANI YO!?" when
your readers are looking at the rest of the thing in English and the
phrase, "WHAT IN THE GREAT FREAKISH SMEGGING BOWELS OF HECK DID YOU
JUST #$^#&IN' SAY!?" has so much more impact?
So, yes. *poke!* ^_^
Maybe I should invent a character that's obsessive compulsive and can
only speak in six-year-old Japanese. Or sometimes mixed with
Spanish... for some reason.
Ben(looks down at a little brown creature): CHOKU, WHAT ARE YOU EATING!?
Choku(looks up from his half-eaten giant cockroach): Wakanai kedo oishii!!!
Ben: EEW! (runs off)
Choku(glances around): Donde desu ka? DONDE DESU KA? (slumps down)
Wakanai... (scampers off) Chokuchokuchokuchoku!!!
"I AM THE FIRST HARBINGER OF DESTRUCTION!!" the robot bellowed through
speakers
in its chest. "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE! SAY YOUR PRAYERS! HA HA HA
HAAAA!!!"
Heh. I've been geekily surfing the web too much; I actually _know_ what this
dialogue is referencing... I also feel somewhat old, remembering this internet
phenomenon. Tsk, tsk.
All Your Base indeed...
http://allyourbase.planettribes.gamespy.com/video3_view.shtml
Ahh, Bohemian Rhapsody. A classic tune.
When the dust parted, the First Harbinger of Destruction was frozen in
place,
its claw held up easily by a tall man in shining green camouflage armor.
Suggest: shining-green
I mulled it over some. Subvocalized some, looked at it some more.
Agonized. Wrote depressing poetry...
Er, I mean, the green's not what's shining in this context. The camo
armor is, so the descriptive terms aren't really that close. I don't
think I need to hyphenate that one.
"Don't call me princess, baka," Terra said.
But 'Princess Baka' has such a nice ring to it...
Ooh, I shall have to use that one sometime then. "Princess Baka" is
even better than the old mainstay "Princess of the Buttheads," often
used to describe demanding brides at their wedding and reception
ceremonies.
She felt proud having been able
having been (extra space in between the two words)
Another false alarm? (checks) GAH, IT'S THERE!!! KILL IT!!!
*BLAAAM!*BLA-BLA-BLA-BLA-BLAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHMMMMOOO!!*
(The dust clears)
Ha-ha! Direct hit! That extra space never knew what hit it! (Fixed
in my copy.)
Terra didn't reply. She only whimpered from the re-emerging pain and
trudged
onward towards school.
reemerging (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)
Mm... Okee-du. Fixed in my copy.
The Star Light Knight folded his arms and turned away. "Fine! See if
I ever
help you out again!" For all his bravado, though, his voice was tainted with
sadness and grief.
The First Harbinger of Destruction put a comforting claw on his
shoulder, but
he smacked it away. "Hey, hands off the steel, buddy."
<g> Ah,yes. The brain-melting silliness reminiscent of Excel Saga...
I like Excel Saga. Some people don't, but I find it refreshing.
Parts are worrying, though, if you really love dogs. Or cat-dog
thingies. ^^
The quizzes got passed out, and Terra struggled to focus upon hers.
They were
word associations, mostly, accompanied by a bit of math. "If Hat is to
foot,"
she subvocalized, "as... boot is to head, then cat is to... what?" The
choices
were dog, slipper, collar, and rugrat.
Hell, even I can't answer that.
(checks) Hey, neither can I! Maybe it's a trick question.
"Ah, yes! Right, right." Terra blushed in embarassment,
embarassment --> embarrassment
Fixed in my copy.
Terra: Embarassed? Why should I be embarassed?
Haruna-sensei: Because you just screamed out in my class. (glares)
That's MY job.
"Let me see that," said the teacher. Her eyes widened as she scanned
the
answers. "You must have cheated... no, wait, there's explanations written
Suggest: cheated... No, wait, there's (separate clauses, cap the second clause
accordingly)
Hmm...
Lepardu(grabs a fish): Mmm... DU! (he squishes the fish and a
slightly altered paragraph pops out)
"Let me see that," said the teacher. Her eyes widened as she scanned
the answers. "You must have cheated!" But then her demeaner relaxed
as she read further. "No, wait, there's explanations written down,
and... oh, I'm sorry, class, there's a mistake on question four.
Answer C should be twenty-six and D should be twenty-five." She
looked apologetic at Terra. "Sorry for having doubted you. But
yesterday, you seemed so, so... not smart."
"No," Terra replied, "it's just that... the world seems somehow...
clearer
today." Actually, things started becoming clear for her during the pop quiz.
She remembered what S.L.K. had said about the seal on her mind--that he'd
broken it.
Suggest: mind; that
Mm... Okee-du.
"No," Terra replied, "it's just that... the world seems... somehow
clearer today." Actually, things started becoming clear for her
during the pop quiz. She remembered what S.L.K. had said about the
seal on her mind; that he'd broken it. She suspected that it didn't
fully crack until just a little while ago in class.
Whatever happened to her mind, it seemed to
go much deeper than simply unlocking her memories and improving her I.Q. She
trepedaciously wondered where the surprises might end.
Unless this word was used for comedic effect (or unless MS Word's thesaurus has
missed yet another valid dictionary word), suggest: trepedaciously -->
worriedly (root word: 'worry', synonym of 'trepidation')
Trepidacious was the proper spelling for what I had. I tend to mix up
my 'e's and 'i's. Typically when you add an -ly to a descriptive word
(or adjective, as they put it using the ancient tongue) it becomes an
adverb. Even if it's an extremely rare word for which not all forms
have been fully explored, as far as I know it's still correct.
On the other hand, English is a language full of twisting rules and
exceptions, so it's possible that it may be incorrect to add -ly to
some kinds of descriptive words to form an adverb.
If possible, I'd like to stretch the rules as far as they'd possibly
go, so I'll stick with the -ly version of 'trepidacious.' I feel it'd
be unnecessarily limiting to many writers to use a smaller, simpler,
more widely-understood word when a perfectly good larger,
nearly-incomprehensible word would do the same job.
...or do I have that backwards?
Aanyway, "trepidaciously" stays, but thanks for noting it! Managed
to fix a spelling error regardless. ^_^
"Mom! What's going on?" Naru called through the bustle of the crowd.
"That's right, everyone!" Naru's mother called through a megaphone.
"For
today, it's ninety percent off on EVERYTHING!"
Aw. It's the first episode of Sailor Moon, continuity-wise. Thought you might
be using the 'in medias res/n the middle of things' setup in this story without
the recap. Thankfully though, it doesn't quite read cliche enough to detract
from the plot points themselves (like, say, starting a Ranma fanfic with the
eponymous 'Here's Ranma!' episode), so it's all good.
Don't worry, I speed through it. If I'm gonna rewrite the continuity,
may as well start from the beginning.
Naru slapped her forehead and groaned. "Oh no, she's finally snapped.
All
those years setting gems and ingraving
ingraving --> engraving
Quite right! Sorry I missed it. And here I thought I'd run a
spellchecker through this thing.
"All right!" Usagi exclaimed. She whipped out her little money pouch
and
reached in side. Frowning, she turned the bag upside down and shook it. A
ball of lint and half a cotton swab fell out. "Aww! I knew I shouldn't have
bought that last ice cream sunday yesterday."
sunday --> sundae
Oh, right. Sometimes I spend so much time writing the way I talk, I
forget that homophones (or homonyms as they used to call 'em, but they
changed the term around since it wasn't exactly the same word, but
just the same sound) exist for some specific terms, i.e. sundae and
Sunday, awed and odd, band and banned. Things like that.
...Even though it's Usagi talking, the misspelled type of (unintentional) pun
is kind of lost on the people she's talking to considering the fact that this
is dialogue that's being said out loud. If it's just a crazy misspelling, then
you know what to do.
Yup! Get out my bazooka (or heavily-armed magical girl) and blow that
word to bits and start over!
Or squish a fish. That sometimes works.
Lepardu(nods sagely)
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
Depressing Seal Addendum #1: No matter how hard you proofread, no
matter how many times you go through a paragraph, no matter how many
hours, days, weeks, or years you spend looking at a piece, chances are
you're still going to miss something. So once you've proofread
carefully, have two or three other people check it over as well. Then
publish it, and then someone'll gleefully find the spelling errors all
the rest of you missed. Mmohhdear.
Man, I thought I proofread and spellchecked this enough. Guess I was wrong. ^^;
before--prettier, actually, since now she could appreciate it on another
level.
On the other hand, adorning one's self with bits of metal and rock could be
Formatting error: Extra space before 'On the other hand'.
It's double-spacing between sentences that didn't translate properly
though the word-wrapping.
so elegant, only a couple thousand yen. A rough calculation in her head put
that at less than 10 pounds sterling.
Incidentally, was this the circa 1992-96 exchange rate? XD Or in manga terms,
the late 80s/before-the-bubble-economy-burst exchange rate? :P
I used 2005 or so exchange rate. You'll find characters in this
continuity using cellphones and the like which weren't so commonplace
even as recent as 1999. Consider Terra in Tokyo as taking place in
some kind of undefined "now." Like the Simpsons. ^^
She stopped. The jewel had been ice cold when it had been handed to
her.
Looking down at it, she saw it glow and shine brightly. A wispy thread of
something that looked like a light mist flowed out from her chest to the gem.
Seeing that Terra's under the classification of Marianous Sueious (under the
subclass Parodius), of course she'd be giving enough energy to make the jewel
piping hot and some such.
Yeah, she's kind of a Mary Sue, so she's bursting at the seams with
power. Overpowered characters tend to devolve into uninteresting
things once the rest of the universe falls apart.
On the other hand, underpowered characters aren't that interesting...
unless they've got some really nifty skills or character traits, in
which case they're not so underpowered after all.
I mean, look at Himura Kenshin. If he wasn't a master swordsman, he'd
lose a fair amount of his "interesting-factor."
Therefore... it's not overpowered characters that are the problem,
it's overpowered characters that aren't fun or interesting. I mean,
they've at least gotta give you a good laugh. While things like
taking down the main boss of a manga series in a single blow is
generally frowned upon in good fanfic writing (I.E. oneshotting
Saffron), there are... ways to do it right. Or at least in a humorous
way. But it's not a task for beginners.
Tell me your character's "so neat because, guess what? He fell into
spring of drowned girl, and then he went and found Genma and beat him
up!" is probably going to make me stare, blink, and say, "Uh, yeah,
and?"
"What do you mean, 'and?' It's cool! I told this other guy about it
and he laughed like crazy!"
"..."
But there are some nifty people who can swing it.
But then, then flow stopped and the diamond started vibrating. It let
out a
high-pitched whine and finally shattered.
And of course this would happen.
It's a quick and dirty way of saying, "Yeah, Terra's an overpowered
supergirl, so what'cha gonna do about it?"
On the other hand, I've become a big fan of having characters "take
their lumps" as well. So... Terra being overpowered isn't really the
focus of the story. ...or is it? Well, kinda. Ah well. Good story,
bad story, I'm the one with the writer's block to overcome. ^_^
Back at home, Terra sat down, opened her bookbag,
Suggest: book-bag
I checked around and it seems that "bookbag" is indeed a valid term.
I'll keep it for the sake of reducing punctuation.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bookbag
couple of minutes. Then she realized that she actually knew nothing about
Japanese history, so she went through her books and confirmed that she'd
gotten
the answers right.
(sweatdrop) Sounds about as Marianous Sueious as you can get.
Yeah, but for every overpowered trait, there shall be a counterbalance.
Terra finally remembered to take her shoes off, since that's what
Japanese
people tended to do inside their houses, and went upstairs. But then she
remembered that she was Irish, so she went back down and put them back on
before heading up again.
(bigsweat) I think I'm going to be dehydrated soon if this keeps up.
Ahh, the lack of respect for local customs, even when your mom wouldn't mind...
It all began with a bang, and superheated components of the universe
later
cooled into stars, which later allowed planets and smaller celestial objects
to
form. On one world, a black ooze spewed out from cracks in the lithosphere
I don't think you need the article 'a' before 'black ooze'.
If I were talking about "black ooze" in general, it probably wouldn't
matter. I could remove the 'a' and be perfectly happy about
uncluttering my paragraphs. However, in this case I'm speaking of a
very specific black ooze which has a name, to be described in a later
chapter
So... I don't need the 'a', per se, but I'm keeping it this time.
The girl pieced together a solid view of the universe, beginning with
a matter
explosion, leading up to the creation of the solar system, the evolution of
mankind from bacteria, rats, monkeys, and other lower lifeforms.
lifeforms --> life forms/life-forms (non-dictionary-verifiable word, separate
the words)
I've seen it used as a compound word, but I'll go with your suggestion
since I can't find any good counterpoints this time online. ^_^
I'll go with "life forms."
famous for. But then she saw the whiskers, the catlike face, the fins, and
tail, along with the odd green, black, and white pattern on its back, and
didn't know what to make of it.
Sooner or later, it'd be a must to market an ArbyFish plushy. Like those Garry
Gnu ones; a doll that survived long after the popularity of its show died out.
An ArbyFish plushy would be roight and propa, 'tis.
We've discussed it at my house, but I'm mostly worried about logistics
and if we'd sell enough to make back our investment.
...on the other hand, having crates of ArbyFish plushies around might
not be such a bad idea after all. I'd need to know the how and where
of it, as well as basic cost structure.
"'Ello sez Oye ta Yew ta Me n' Yew back in return," it greeted her in
a formal
tone. "Who's ya wotsit, ow's ya 'shroominum?"
Terra's perfect mental view of the universe wavered, ever so slightly.
...Sounds about right.
Suggest: getting rid of the comma after 'wavered'.
I agree. Comma removed.
"Al-yew-shroominum! Well, ya can't pick a nut'atch before sunroise if
ya don't
gots th' proppa' pop off th' yellow red green mush-rock. Isn't'chew?"
I'm getting a flashback of Austin Powers, on the scene where father and son
were talking about a person who shat on a turtle.
XD I don't remember that scene. I must not have seen it, because it
sounds memorable.
If the girl's universal theory had been a mirror, a spiderweb
Suggest: spider-web
Spiderweb is all right. I've checked it and found it in dictionaries.
If it had been "a spider-web rifle scope sight," I may have opted for
the hyphen.
The seal-like creature started hopping across her head back and forth
such that
one might imagine that it was pacing. "After awl, it's in th' lawbooks.
lawbooks --> law books
Lawbooks seems appropriate. I've been able to identify the word at
least on dictionary.com.
On the last, desperate hope she had that she might be hallucinating,
she
I don't think you need 'she had' after 'hope' and before 'that she might'; it's
extraneous and ruins prose flow, IMO.
Oops. Fixed in my copy.
On the last desperate hope that she might be hallucinating, she
pretended she was seeing something else and bravely commented, "Wow,
they sure have big fuzzy moths here in Japan."
"Junia' 'oigh school student?" The ArbyFish whiped
whiped --> whipped
Oh, yes, quite correct. Typo...
out a book and flipped
through it. "Oh, so yew's a very rare species a' peacock? Roight! Spread
ya
feathers!" It briefly spread out Terra's pleated skirt to the point where
her
slip was showing, but then she pulled her clothes back and and brushed the
Extra 'and' after 'pulled her clothes back and'
Oops! How DID that one make it in? Possibly I deleted an extra
phrase and left the extra and in there. Fixed it in my copy.
"A'course!" the creature replied in a jovial, salesmanlike way.
Suggest: salesman-like way (because 'salesmanlike', unlike businesslike or even
wraithlike, is a non-dictionary-verifiable word)
All right. I think... according to the bizarre non-rules of English
that "salesmanlike" is an appropriate word, but I'll hyphenate this
one since it seems nicer.
Terra took the license agreement and read through it. Just like Arby,
it was
just plain wrong. "I'm not signing this! It says I give you all my rights,
my
immortal soul... plus a million, bazillion yen!
Dr. Evil: ...Roight.
^_^ Heheh.
Arby smiled and handed her a series of brochures entitled, "Silver
Millennium
Powers," "So You Want to Be a Sailor Senshi," "Energy Draining: The Truth
About Earth, the Dark Kingdom, and You," and "Moon Prism Power for Dummies."
Heh. Intentional or not, this skit is a good poke at J.K. Rowling's collection
of fictional books in the HP universe.
It's a perfectly proper way to expand on the theme. You can even have
self-help books on how to pilot EVA units and how to talk to your
nefarious estranged father. ^_^
Terra skimmed through the brocures. They were difficult to decipher
in the
brocures --> brochures
Fixed.
I notice that you seem to get lax with your fairly-decent spelling and grammar
whenever ArbyFish is in the scene. I guess he has that effect on people, even
the author. ^^;
Well a'course! Gotta mess up ya gramma' and ya spelling! Wouldn't be
proppa' if ya didn't!
Anyway, I got some requests from people to tone down the Arbyspeak in
future chapters. Seems they were having trouble understanding the
dialogue. (HOORAY, scream the spelling nuts, BLASPHEMY, scream the
Arby-lovers.)
"I recognize that. That's a hallucinagenic mushroom!"
hallucinagenic --> hallucinogenic
Fixed. Would have been okay if Arby'd said it that way, but not since
Terra's saying it. ^^
"Now say, 'Shroom Prism Powah!'"
"'Shroom Prism Power?" Terra asked. Nothing happened. "Why?"
"Oye dunno. Just wanted ta see if yew'd say it."
Hehehe.
It's a theme that's becoming more widely-explored: making people say
nonsensical things for no readily apparent reason.
"Arby!" Terra scolded the ArbyFish.
"The real phrase is: Moon Prism Power."
I'm surprised he didn't pronounce it as 'Moon Proism Powah'.
Gah! Stupid typos...
"The real phrase is... Moon Prism Powah!"
She went back to cleaning the dishes. "I hope that fuku's warm enough for
her.
It gets very cold at night here." She hummed her favorite tune to herself.
Formatting error: Extra space before 'It gets very'.
Double spaces between sentences. Some word wrapping might be messing that up.
(The Osa-P jewelry store erupts into flames.)
Sailor Nuke: Sailor Nuke sez. BWAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!
Sailor Kawaii: And Sailor Kawaii says. Tee-hee!
Ah. You've indeed captured the pain the N.A. dub in a humorous manner.
'Course! I get complaints when I DON'T include a Sailor Nuke segment
at the end of an NETTG variation.
Author: This is like... a bunch of marketing people got a hold of the series
and decided to rewrite it. Who did this?!
Arby(flutters in): Oye did! Roight proppa' marketing techniques, it is!
So this fic is like the movie version of Buffy the (innocuous and
hairspray-wielding) Vampire Slayer in regards to the Buffyverse?
More like the movie version of Escaflowne, but yes, that kind of idea. ^_^
First off, let's talk grammar and spelling: in comparison to your
technically-superb writing in the first chapter of NETTG: TIT (snickers), this
I refer to it as NETTG:TinT since it sounds more like an explosive. ^_^
time around your fairly-good writing and proofreading was slightly marred by
the presence/absence of proper hyphenation. It bears repeating...
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
It's very helpful, nay, indispensable, in things such as technical
writing (got a job in that, actually; I was sure happy), but I've
noticed that some stories can bend the rules a bit.
On the other hand, it seems like all the really good writers can bend
or break the rules while the rest of us have to stick with them.
(Grr, I'll get you someday, William Shakespeare and Lewis Carroll!)
And...
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
Proofread, have others proofread as well, and you might catch a good
90% of the bugs, depending if it's a long or short piece.
Also...
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Case in point. I agree. ^_^
These are basic rules, and you did quite well in keeping with them save the
ArbyFish segments. And no, I'm not talking about ArbyFish's misspellings for
the sake of comedy; you really did have some unintentional misspellings and
technical errors in there. But don't worry, like before, your simple prose was
virtually error free, and I thank you for it. Save for these three broken
grammar rules, you're among the elite of the elite when it comes to 'technical
excellence in fanfic'. Good work on that regard.
Right-o! I try to keep it at least understandable. Bugs creep in
there if I'm typing fast and don't proofread. I usually leave a lot
of the proofreading to others since I have the tendency to just
rewrite whole sections if I'm left to stare at them for any period of
time.
As for the story itself... Oh boy. The trippiest element of your fic series,
ArbyFish, has finally come into the fray. I think that in itself already speaks
volumes. Can't wait for more...
Yay! He still likes it! :D
Thanks a bunch for reviewing this! It helps polish bits up.
In future chapters, if you see things like, "You know, it'd be really
neat to have a scene right here, between these other two scenes, where
x happens with x character and relates to this next event," that's
good too. I can sometimes write full new scenes based off of
appropriate suggestions.
Paalam!
Abdiel
Naaarf! ^_^
--------------------
I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't underwhelmed; so let's just call it a day and
say I was whelmed.
Yaaw, whelming-du. Like bunny-du.
...Heh. :P Seriously speaking, it's indeed interesting to see Terra develop
from brain-dead girl who somehow lost her memories of being a world-devouring
monster to a, well, idiot-savant reminiscent of Kaolla Su. Or perhaps a lot
less emphasis on the idiot part, as Terra quickly shifted from being the butt
of the jokes to straight(wo)man to ArbyFish's antics.
Gotta beat up the Mary Sue. She deserves it! And she doesn't deserve
any sympathy for it, either!!! :D
Then again, despite the
general silliness going around the fic, I did notice that a firm and stable
plot line underneath it. I also noticed it in the first chapter, but this time
around it's more apparent. Plot points such as the reason behind Terra's
amnesia and mind lobotomy, er, _sealing_, the Non-Atomic Starlight Knight's
less offensive and grating-to-the-nerves appearance (never did like him, even
in NETTG classic... reminds me a bit too much of Carrot from Insertion... which
makes sense, 'coz ASKA's the one that inspired Insertion in the first place),
ASK was my first major FFML-published fanfic character. I guess... I
was a grating character creator too. But those who disliked 'em kept
their mouths shut and I kept on writing. And through practice I got
better. Ahh, such fun!
and the reason behind her becoming the new Chibimoon opens up quite a lot to
delve into. It not only promises more silliness, it also promises more, well,
plot points and actual story, and I like that in a work of fiction. Add that to
all the other elements that made NETTG... NETTG, and we may have something
here.
It promises a lot. Let's hope it can deliver a portion of it
somewhere along the way. ^^
David Letterman: Is that really... something?
Paul Schaffer: (laughs spastically) Yeah, I think it's something.
As such, can't wait for more. Keep on writing.
Thanks a bunch! And thanks for the detailed, thoughtful review! I
appreciate it and was able to fix sections of the chapter because of
it.