Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] Rendezvous with Fate - ch. 16
From: "Henry J. Cobb" <>
Date: 11/19/2006, 12:46 PM
To: wrote:
	Ifuku cursed her lack of ability to jump from tree
to tree as her brother.

This reads as if she can normally transform into her brother, but is
somehow unable to do so while arboreal.

For most series this wouldn't make any sense at all, but there's been
enough sibling curses in Ranma fanfics to open the question.  ("Of all the
springs in China to fall into", Nabiki muttered, "Curse you Akane for
cursing me!")

Perhaps instead of telling us this, you could show her looking at a
distant branch and considering how her brother might make the leap.

Mind racing, she jumped over a small shrub and sighed.

Why not just hint at the sport of Mind Racing without naming it by showing
us some of her mental gymnastics?

	She rounded another curve and was thankful when she
had seen the lights of the guards on the gates.

So this is some curve in a path she is following, rather than say her own
curves and the guards have something besides themselves lit up?  A guard
station with lights would imply torches while lit up guards implies

Her heart was racing; her muscles were sore, and she was dead tired.

The semicolon mars the list of three items here and now you've got her
heart in a sprint as well as her mind.

I think the readers would have a better grasp of her condition if you show
her either not making some small feat or almost failing at it due to her
current condition.  Best of all would be something that impairs her

Kikuko was a samurai, trained to kill, trained to hunt. Ifuku was a
servant for fifteen years now, housework was not the same.

The tense is messed up in the second sentence.  Choose a timeframe that is
either in the past or the present.

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