Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] Rendezvous with Fate - ch. 16
From: "Sebastian Palm" <sebastian.palm@myrealbox.com>
Date: 11/19/2006, 10:56 PM
To:



-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounce@anifics.com [mailto:ffml-bounce@anifics.com] On Behalf
Of Henry J. Cobb
Sent: Sunday, November 19, 2006 6:46 PM
To: ffml@anifics.com
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma] Rendezvous with Fate - ch. 16

siuane@gmail.com wrote:
	Ifuku cursed her lack of ability to jump from tree
to tree as her brother.

This reads as if she can normally transform into her brother, but is
somehow unable to do so while arboreal.

For most series this wouldn't make any sense at all, but there's been
enough sibling curses in Ranma fanfics to open the question.  ("Of all the
springs in China to fall into", Nabiki muttered, "Curse you Akane for
cursing me!")

Perhaps instead of telling us this, you could show her looking at a
distant branch and considering how her brother might make the leap.

Or he can go with the rational solution of substituting the word "like" for
"as", which would eliminate the possible misinterpretation.

Mind racing, she jumped over a small shrub and sighed.

Why not just hint at the sport of Mind Racing without naming it by showing
us some of her mental gymnastics?

Bad pun. Really.

Not having read the context, is her mind racing to a conclusion or is it out
of control (panic)? 
 
	She rounded another curve and was thankful when she
had seen the lights of the guards on the gates.

So this is some curve in a path she is following, rather than say her own
curves and the guards have something besides themselves lit up?  A guard
station with lights would imply torches while lit up guards implies
immolation.

The usage of the word "curve" in this situation screams "Brit or non-native
English speaker" - in at least my country and its closest neighbors, "curve"
is the direct translation for the most common word used to describe a bend
in the road. (most dictionaries won't even bring the word "bend" up, since
they'll assume that it's the mathematical term of "curve" that is being
sought.)

Feudal Japanese guards would not have torches, they'd have rice paper lamps.


The more serious error, though, is the tense error. Better version of the
line is:

	She rounded another bend in the path and was thankful when she saw
the lights of the gate guards' lamps.

Or

...guardsmen's lamps at/near the gate.


Her heart was racing; her muscles were sore, and she was dead tired.

The semicolon mars the list of three items here and now you've got her
heart in a sprint as well as her mind.

Agreed on the semicolon - as written, the second and third statements are
clarifications of the first, rather than separate additions. 
 
I think the readers would have a better grasp of her condition if you show
her either not making some small feat or almost failing at it due to her
current condition.  Best of all would be something that impairs her
stealth.

Toe stub and a small stumble.

Kikuko was a samurai, trained to kill, trained to hunt. Ifuku was a
servant for fifteen years now, housework was not the same.

The tense is messed up in the second sentence.  Choose a timeframe that is
either in the past or the present.

Not necessarily. The construction used is accepted usage, IIRC - just not
common, and usually with a comma between the state and the time descriptor
(i.e. between servant and for in this case). It reads fine now, but could be
better with that comma in place and the last comma replaced by a period,
separating the statement a little.


SP



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