Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Re: [Fanfic][Naruto] Suiren, Chapter 7: Contact...
From: Aaron Nowack
Date: 11/19/2006, 12:48 PM
To: Eimii
CC: ffml@anifics.com

Eimii wrote:
Gratuitous Warning: ^_^; Er... you'll see...

Mwahahah.


Standard C&C Disclaimer:  All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.

Aaaaaarg! I can't believe i forgot to keep doing revised chapters! I've 
been stuck on the next new chapter of Suiren for over a month >_<;. At 
any rate, this chapter has just gotten a light touch of paint and some 
new rims; i could swear i was planning on dropping it down, chopping the 
end and maybe adding some lights or something, but right now, i just 
can't remember what i was going for -_-;.

Well, we'll see what I can find that might use some changing.  Probably
not much, but one never knows.

And good luck breaking that writer's block with the next chapter.  I
hate it when that happens to me.

Watching the two fair-haired kunoichi size up each other across the 
broad dirt road that separated them, Akamichi Choji wore a perplexed 
expression. 

"size each other up" sounds more natural to me than "size up each
other", but I don't think the latter is _wrong_, so feel free to leave
it as is.

Still, the hefty boy was skeptical. "But they're both girls, and 
everyone knows Sakura's after Sasuke."

"What- y'mean Ino 'n Shikamaru didn't tell ya? They saw-"

Poor, poor Sakura-chan.

The other two boys turned to examine the shinobi in question; for 
reasons that the slick-haired boy couldn't guess at, Sakura was once 
again clad in just a light mesh undershirt, running shorts and a bra, 
rather than the short dress she normally wore.

Predictably, it was Kiba who spoke first. "...I dunno, maybe Mitarashi's 
just really rough in bed."

Hee.

"Eeh...?" Looking again, the fanged boy frowned and crossed his arms. 
"Yeah, I guess she does got more meat on 'er." A faint leer spread 
across Kiba's face, but it didn't seem to be directed at the object of 
their scrutiny. "Heh... I wonder if Hinata would wanna do some 'strength 
trainin''..."

Looking at it a couple times, the "trainin''..." is right, but... it
really looks wrong.  You might want to consider rewording to avoid that
''..." somehow.

"...I think I would like that, Kiba-kun," came a quiet, hopeful voice 
from behind the boys. "Could you help me?"

*grin*

"We don't know; it's all just rumors, so far," the shadow-user answered 
quickly, trying to keep the conversation from becoming too troublesome.

Sakura has no idea how much she owes Shikamaru... think of how much
_worse_ things would be without him.

"And I'm worried about you! I mean, she's so- so- _old_!"

"_OLD_?! Why, you-" Anko sputtered, the suspiciously adoring look on her 
face transforming instantly into a mask of rage. "Don't let her talk 
about me like that, Sakura-chan! Kick 'er ass!"

Heh.

"I don't have a clue what's going on behind that _huge_ forehead of 
yours, Sakura, but if you seriously think that you've got a chance in 
Hell of beating me just because of that freakish fluke at the exam, 
you've got another thing coming!" 

I noticed that Lurker pointed out that, technically, it should be
"another think"

On the other hand, "another thing" is what people tend to actually
_say_, and this is dialogue.  *shrug*


*Well, I'll give this to Sakura: she really knows how to push Ino's 
buttons,* Shikamaru grumbled internally, wondering if Sakura had planned 
on their being such a large number of witnesses. 

"their" should be "there", I believe.

Sakura's dash turned into a lunging somersault as her opponent evaded. 
Reaching out to grab Ino's trailing foot, Sakura twisted her body around 
and uncoiled into rising kick that crashed against the blond kunoichi's 
hastily crossed arms, sending Ino tumbling backward as Sakura let go and 
flipped away.

"into a rising kick"

In terms of speed, Ino and Sakura were about even, but Sakura's 
ground-hugging advance had allowed her to enter striking range faster 
than Ino had anticipated. The tactic left Sakura's back dangerously 
exposed, and had Ino been expecting it, it could have failed 
spectacularly. Sakura had counted on Ino being unprepared for a headlong 
charge, and used the element of surprise to set Ino up for a variation 
on the Leaf Spinning Wind that used a grapple rather than a sweep, using 
leverage to compensate for Ino's upward momentum.

Judging from the way Ino was subtly testing her injured arm, Choji's 
estimate of Sakura's striking power was spot on. The slight difference 
in their taijutsu levels would now be exacerbated by the fact that Ino 
had taken the brunt of the damage on her dominant right hand, but Ino's 
best attacks weren't taijutsu, so unless Sakura had something else up 
her sleeve, the pink-haired girl had yet to gain a definitive advantage.

Hmm.  This analysis seems a little long, considering that it should be
taken place during a quick pause in the battle.  You might want to
consider whether it can be trimmed to be a bit less verbose.  As is, I
think it interrupts the flow a little bit too much.

I could always be wrong.

Meanwhile, Ino had apparently decided that she wasn't going to wait to 
see what else Sakura might spring on her. Forming a familiar set of 
seals, she created three bunshin, using them as a momentarily blind 
while she moved into hand-to-hand range.

"momentarily" should be "momentary" I believe.

Hmm.  Didn't Ino mock Sakura for using that tactic during their fight in
the prelims?

With a snarl, the blonde hopped back to her feet, but immediately had to 
dodge needles from two directions at once. Despite her best efforts, 
_both_ of them managed to graze her lightly. Blood welling from fresh 
cuts on her thigh and cheek, Ino swept her gaze around the circle of 
kunoichi, looking for the attack that she knew would follow.

Hmm.  Even knowing what she's doing, I'm not quite sure how Sakura
manages to pull that one off.

The boys were silent as they gently transferred their teammate onto the 
stretcher, but right as they were about to go Choji spoke up. "...She's 
gonna be loud when she wakes up," he predicted, his voice flat as he 
raised his end of the stretcher.

Hee.

"...Self-taught?" Anko wondered, sounding a bit stunned.

"Un," Sakura affirmed with a nod.

"All of it?" the brunette pressed, the shock in her voice clearly 
evident. "Even that possession thing you used on me?" Almost shaking 
with some unreadable emotion, Anko was glaring at her now, as if 
_daring_ her to say that it was so.

*Uh-oh...*

Poor, poor Sakura-chan.  Wait, did I use that one already this chapter?  :)


Just as Sakura was probably about to protest her innocence, the taller 
woman leaned down and placed a hand on Sakura's shoulder. "Ooooh, I 
think she's jealous!" Anko commented in a scandalized tone.

Ah, Anko.  Mistress of making a bad situation even _worse_.  :)

"Aaargh! &#()&!"

"SAKURA-CHAN! What did you just say!?"

Yes, what did she just say? :)



...well, hopefully I said something mildly useful in all that.  :)

-- Aaron Nowack "Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis." http://www.mimiru.net/ .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----. | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com | | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com | | Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject | `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'