Date: Fri, 17 Nov 2006 14:19:23 +0000 (GMT)
From: Abdiel <gabriel_gabdiel@yahoo.com>
Subject: [FFML] Re: [FanFic][SM] NETTG - Terra in Tokyo Ch.1
Wow. A person who rants more at the beginning of a fic than me! Not to be
outdone...
Mwahahaha! Well, I only rant when coming out of a very long period of
hibernation, as it were. Some chapters of this just have a quick
"whalp, here we go again!" kind of intro rant. But... I do like a
little bit of ranting on the front of my comic page, so maybe ranting
comes naturally to me. ;)
Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Is yew an AMS god, then? The kind that you call up and hit up for
random insane wishes? Or at least pizza delivery? Do you have a
mallet and squash grammatical bugs?
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.
No worries about canon here, friend. Everything's thrown wildly out
of whack. I am perfectly knowledgeable about SM canon (both manga,
anime, and live action--*twitch*twitch*--good stuff!), but I simply
decided not to use much of it. Characters are often characters in
name only. Thus this story is, in many ways, just plain wrong.
Nothing inappropriate about it. Quite proper, actually. A perfectly
proper impropriety, as it were.
Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
So you are a human being after all. Not some kind of speckled
marmoset created for any particular author's pleasure.
I like opinions. I can handle good and bad criticism now. It's the
silence that wears on me after a while. ;)
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.
But... what if they don't like sliced bread? What if they think it
is, rather, the greatest thing since peeled garlic? Or the most
marvellous invention since the hangnail? Lowered expectations, that's
the key! :D
Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.
*folds arms* Nope, I'm afraid if you have good commentary, I'm going
to have to incorporate it. No two ways about it.
We are Borg. (injects nanoprobes into the reviewer's neck)
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
Though there are several major notable exceptions.
Hello. You may not remember me, but I've C&Ced your Heart of Sugar series way
back when. Nowadays, I'm... well, I'm C&Cing this series!
Yay! Yes, Heart of Sugar. People still need to bug me about it so I
don't put it dead last on the back burner. I might be slow on stuff,
but it helps to know that people still care after all this time.
Otherwise I just spend my spare moments leveling yet another character
in World of Warcraft (Now up to 8 level 60s! Got all the classes
except Priest! WOO!).
I've discovered... I don't mind being bugged. Never give up! This
author won't stop writin' till his stories are done or till his
fingers fall off!!! XD
As such, my next victim is... the creator of the Atomic Starlight Knight
himself. ;)
Rock on, man! Rock on!! I greatly appreciate it.
On 4/1/06, Benjamin A. Oliver <boliver@email.arizona.edu> wrote:
Well now!
I seem to have been absent from this particular forum for far too long.
Myself,
I've long been stricken by the regular business of classes, attempting to
work,
get projects done, work on a couple comics, and agonize about my complete
inability to finish an actual story.
Hear, hear. I myself have a seeming inability to finish a given story, but I'm
getting there, oh yes. No Yrrep Atsirk-ing for me. :P From somebody who knows
how hard it is to finish a particular story, I wish you luck on that endeavor.
Hell, from what I've seen so far, you're doing well on the
churning-out-regular-chapters department. ^_^
The story is done. Mostly I'm waiting for help on specific revisions
from review people. Apparently I totally screwed up the ending on
this one. While all well and good for the sake of finishing a story,
I feel... well, maybe the stalwarts that made it all the way to the
final bits deserve a bit more than, "And then they all died!!! THE
END!!!!!111111oneoneonelollolololololrotfl"
I sometimes must be reminded, I must not punish the faithful. Or
something like that. ^^
But even if the story's done, that's not to say I can't still do
massive structural changes if somebody comes up with the One Great
Idea that makes me rethink an entire characterization scheme. Even
minor stuff I can usually stuff in. Y'know, stuff it in, jump on it,
pack it till it fits....
Changing the subject, I must comment that, incidentally, you wrap your lines
slightly wider than most of the stories I've C&Ced. Most people's email clients
are setup for a width of 80 characters or less, for the usual historical
reasons. It means that your posts come out looking kind of messy on my end. If
you can, I'd recommend wrapping at 72-76 columns--this seems to be fairly
standard. Then again, it might simply be my email client acting up. Oh well...
I've been using my university's system. I stopped wrapping manually
(I did that for NETTG Classic and GAILR!!) and just used the email
client's system. Now I'm on Gmail. We'll be able to tell if this
does the wrapping for me properly. If this fixes the problem, then...
hooray!
Unfortunately, as one's skill increases, so
does one's eye for flaws in one's own work. Hence, it's often the case that
authors and artists can't bear to look at their work anymore, despite the
fact
that there's not really that much wrong with it. They stare at a page, then
run off and go do something else, living in perpetual paralyzing fear that
they
will not live up to their own expectations.
(nods sagely) Very true. But then again, there are times when you just have to
say "Screw it, I'm writing what I want to write and I'll enjoy doing it," to
get past the writer's block/insecurities thing. At least, that's how I usually
go about it.
Yup! Precisely how it works. It's about overcoming your own
inhibitions. If you've got the mad leet writing skills, pretty much
whatever you slop down will fulfill a plot requirement. The problem
is convincing yourself that such is the case.
Some people use(d) drugs and alcohol to overcome their inhibitions
(see the 1960s-1980s most popular bands). I prefer simply waiting
until I feel the moment is right and I'm ready to try something
dangerous with a plot.
Usually, overcoming writer's block in Terra in Tokyo involved
ArbyFish. Lots and lots of ArbyFish.
Actually, some people initially noted that they hoped to see an NETTG
without Arby (or at least an Arby that was somehow more palatable to
their tastes). I agree he can be annoying at times (especially in
this version of the story), but he was kind of necessary to help me
get the thing done.
It makes editing the fic a bitch, though.
Just do as the programmers do! Put a comment by it and label it as
working as intended! (It's a FEATURE!) :D
I submit that
perhaps it's because writers fear getting flamed by the more experienced and
knowledgeable.
(whistles) It's not so much flamed as getting critiqued. Then again, I'm not
exactly all that experienced or knowledgeable to know the reasons behind the
critiques of those who _are_ knowledgeable and more experienced in the realm of
fanfics, but I'm pretty sure those people don't see most of their
heavily-critical replies as flames either.
Once somebody practically bit my head off for (while offering mediocre
praise) suggesting things that might be improved. We must remember
the reviewer's creed: I come not to praise the fanfic author, I come
to bury him!!
...or was that Caesar? Aanyway....
Instead of demanding perfection in this kind of forum, I
suggest that maybe... just maybe, we should not fear writing something that's
absolutely terrible. No, we should writhe in it, revel in the knowledge that
we're doing it because we love it.
Again, I concur. People certainly don't write fanfiction because they get paid
to do so.
Yup! Some people (old favorite of mine, Mark Doherty, may his pen
rest in peace), actually did it to give people something interesting
to read, not for fun as it were. Me, I do it 'cause I love it, and I
love getting a good ego stroking.
Listening to people's suggestions often helps me get to the point
where the story is ego-stroke-worthy. So be kind to your commenters,
for they are your salvation!
Or... yeah. ^_^
And if we get flamed or our dreams get
shattered, we should jump back in, screaming for more.
That's a nice sentiment, but let's get real here... It's not so much the
acerbic critiques but the long moments of silence and the lack of feedback that
make people not want to post in the FFML. But I digress, and it's a rant that
I'm sure has been thoroughly discussed in the midsummer 'Renaissance Thread' of
the FFML.
Yup. Hello Darkness, my old friend... I've come to speak with you again...
....
...it's the sound... of silence! ;D
Hotaru(glances at her glaive)
It gets depressing sometimes, it's true. But again, it comes down to
one's own motivation to write. I started because I wanted praise, and
I got it quickly. I continue... because... well, probably for the
same reason, but I've become something more patient about the time it
takes to receive commentary or praise (or criticism).
Therefore, I present the results of simply writing without a care in the
world,
with the only goal being to get the whole thing done. It's a dark little
bizarre alternate universe I like to call...
Nuke 'Em 'Till They Glow!!
Terra in Tokyo
(sweatdrop) I'm merely curious, so I have to ask: Whatever happened to NETTG
without the TIT (snicker)? Last I recall, the parent series had chapters within
a chapter....
NETTG Classic is still in the works. Standard glacial pace. Here's a
scene from Chapter 11 (back to novel-length chapters! YAY!):
---
A.S.K. woke up with a sneeze in his bedroom. The previous night was
mostly a blank, but he vaguely remembered getting charged up with
anger before hacking through a small army of youma that were
threatening the Sailor Senshi he'd been working with. And oh yeah,
there was something about love at first sight when he saw one of
Terra's friends--Usagi, Serena, Whatsherbucket, or Howsherfoozle.
Bits of memory came back to him gradually. After all that, he'd went
to a bar to relax, but had gotten totally smashed on the fumes before
he even was able to sip his first drink. Then he'd gone on a drunken
shooting rampage across the city and Jadeite and Ukkyo had to come and
explain to the police and military that it was all just a big
misunderstanding before they were able to drag him back to the base.
Oh, and during the scuffles and lapses of judgement, he'd lost
control over some of his curse-suppressing abilities, which explained
why when he looked at himself, he noticed that he was just under four
feet tall with pink hair. His armor seemed to be cuter as well. The
curse of Spring of Drowned Super-Deformed Character once again had
hold upon him.
<Oh, great,> he thought, <another transformation mishap!>
<Don't you remember what happened LAST time we had a malfunction?>
<No, actually, I don't. Enlighten me.>
<Some random personality snagged a transformation sequence and ran off!>
<Oh, that could be embarrassing.>
<Well, yes, having somebody run around with powers based off a
transformation sequence could be bad.>
<How so?>
<I don't know, maybe they'll go... transform in front of people or
something! Think of the children!>
<Hmm... do you think that escaped persona has anything to do with all
these letters I've been getting from England?>
<The perfumed ones with the fashion sketches, and photographs of the
girl that's calling me 'Daddy?'>
<Those are the ones!>
<Nah, couldn't be. Just some crazy girl with my real name and
address. And who just happens to possess secret knowledge that only I
should have. And who claims to be working with Sailor V.>
<Oh, good, I was getting worried we might actually have a lead on that case.>
<Yes, well, quiet, you.>
<So, what are we going to do this morning, eh?>
<The same thing we do every morning, 'Pinky.'>
"Gee," said the super-deformed, chibified KISA cutely as he stood up,
"I think I'll go outside and blow something up." He took out a
miniaturized grenade and marched to the door, which obediently slid
open in his presence.
<Shouldn't we do something about the curse relapse? It'd only take a
couple minutes to manipulate and fix.>
<Nah, who cares!>
<But, if we go outside, people will point and stare and say, 'Hey,
look at the little sissy in the cutesy armor!'>
<Oh my, whatever will we do then?>
<TAKE OUT A BAZOOKA AND BLOW 'EM TO BITS!!!>
"Yeah, baby!" A.S.K. squealed in delight and skipped down the
hallways, looking for the perfect thing to detonate. Finding nothing
appropriate, he took the elevator up to the restaurant level and
strode out in his SD-attire.
...
But I know how muses are, so if you want to work on this offshoot fic first,
then so be it. I have faith in you and your theories about enjoying
fic-writing, dear sir. So let the ficcing begin.
That's what I did for like a year and a half. And I didn't accept any
commentary for that whole time. I wanted to keep my perception of the
story... clear, as it were. People trashing it or being silent
wouldn't stop me from writing it. But... what if people loved it?
Then I'd be too scared of failing them that I'd never be able to write
again! AAH!
But I did my experiment. And I SURVIVED! :D
---Chapter 1: Just Plain Wrong
"Hiya, Mister Ander! I see you finally got Mister Robinson to give
you your
pitchfork back. Too bad it's jabbed into your chest, huh? Okies, gotta
go--b'bye!"
Heh. Gee, the dialogue just below the chapter title sure highlights that point.
'Okies, gotta go--b'bye!' is just... plain wrong. :P
Mwahahaahhahaha! ^_^
If ignorance was bliss, Terra was the happiest girl in the whole wide
world.
Suggest: bliss, then Terra
Fixed it in my copy.
When the time came to leave the land of eternal strife and shamrocks,
Terra had
just gotten out of grade school and also arrived at that special point in her
life when boys started noticing her--noticing her, that is, for reasons other
than her ever-so-pullable ponytails.
Chiyo (Azumanga Daio): (pouts in sympathy)
Mmm. Pullable ponytails. ^_^_^_^
Therefore, especially at the tender age of
fourteen, Terra was given strict instructions that she was not to attempt to
date anyone without express written permission.
Indeed, many a fourteen year old needs an education about life's lessons or
even education in general. Case in point: the majority of fics found in
Fanfiction.net. Bad example, I know, but it highlights the point well enough.
Yup. But perhaps all that bad writing is a beginning... a beginning
of understanding a larger world. Some people figure out the universe
in different ways than others.
When I was like 12-14 I think I was trying to write Jurassic Park fan
fiction, though I didn't know that's what it was called at the time.
It involved time-travelling military from the future in powersuits
coming back to save Jurassic Park. Even then, it seemed, I had
something of a flair for overkill.
How she managed to pronounce the blank space was a mystery.
Nevertheless, she
did it with an uncanny clarity.
Heh. Let the tongue-in-cheek chuckles begin.
All part o' the show, y'see.
"Haaai!" Skipping along the way, the adolescent swung her book bag
back and
forth while singing, "Junior high! Junior high! I don't know why, but
it's...
junior high!" She was so excited she hardly noticed when she knocked down
Suggest: She was so excited, she hardly
Or: She was so excited that she hardly
Hmm... 'excited that she hardly'-mon! I choose you!
Looking the girl over, it was obvious she wasn't from around here, but
judging
from her accent and diction, she couldn't exactly have been a foreigner
either.
Perhaps one of her parents was European or something. "You're not from
around
Slight formatting error on 'Perhaps one' (there's an extra space before
'Perhaps')
Hmm...
Magical Lyrical Girl Nanoha appears though some bizarre vortex of space!
Nanoha(surrounded in her glowy wing-fin things, carries and aims her staff)
Gem(at the end of the staff, speaks): [Buster Mode. Drive Ignition.]
Nanoha: All right. Let's fix that grammatical problem!
Gem: [All right. Divine Buster Extension.]
To the sound of a jet engine at takeoff, a huge ball of energy forms
in front of the staff. Several waves of triangular guidelines flicker
at the staff's end.
Nanoha: DEEVINE... BUSTAHHHH!!!
*BLAAAM!* Finally, a two-meter blast of bright pinkish light shoots
across the sky and impacts the empty space...
*BOOM-KERBLAAAM!!*
When the dust clears, the errant space is gone.
Nanoha(blinks, looks at the sentence, then blushes in embarrassment):
Oh, oops. The author's using double spaces between sentences.
Nanoha vanishes back into the dimensional ether...
I checked my copy and it looks fine. Maybe it's an odd translation
between unwrapped and wrapped text.
Being in the jewelry industry, my mom
and I know a lot of rich businessmen that would gladly stab anyone repeatedly
in the head with pointy umbrellas if you speak to them using the wrong
suffix."
Uh huh. It's either the rich businessmen or Manic Fanboys and the Fangirls who
ignore them.
You have to be super-rich or very very important not to use
honorifics. You can talk to your inferiors as if they were less than
slugs in the dirt... but if you dare speak to your superiors in such a
way, be prepared to have your soul violently removed from your body
through a bent, dirty straw!!
"Call me Osaka-san," Naru added a bit more forcefully and clearly in
English.
Ayumu Kasuga: (sticks out her lower lip)
^_^_^_^
Naru threw up her hands and gave up. "Fine, call me Naru. I don't
care." She
vaguely recalled that, once upon a time, their conversation had a point.
"What
were we talking about again?"
Y'know, of all the people in the Sailor Moon Universe, Naru should be the one
most used to this sort of conversation, being Usagi's best friend and all.
Either her or Rei, anyway.
Yeah, Naru and Usagi might be close enough to use very familiar
speech. But maybe Naru just doesn't like the raging gaijin Terra. ^^
"Oh, that. Actually, I haven't thought about it much. No, I take
that back.
I have thought about it. Right now, I'm mostly just helping out my mom at
the
Osa-P store when she needs me. I guess I'll probably study something having
to
do with business.
Suggest: study something that has something to do with business. (I'm pretty
sure your version isn't wrong, but my suggested version reads less awkwardly,
IMHO; you're free to disagree)
Lepardu: Hmm... Du! (squishes a fish with one arm, and a new
paragraph jumps out)
"Oh, that. Actually, I haven't thought about it much. No, I take
that back. I have thought about it. Right now, I'm mostly just
helping out my mom at the Osa-P store when she needs me. I'll
probably study something dealing with business. Maybe finance once I
get through High School. How about you?"
Lepardu(examines the paragraph): Yaaaaw!
Finance, maybe once I get through High School. How about
you?"
Suggest: Maybe Finance, once I get
Or: Finance, maybe; once I
Lepardu: Yaaw! Financey-du. Sentence-structurey-du.
Terra puffed up proudly. "I wanna be an idol superstar model and have
a cute
boyfriend!
Awww. I miss the days of 'NETTG! Classic', where Terra had higher (though vague
and indistinct) hopes and dreams concerning Universe-conquering and some such.
^_^_^ She's still got 'em in Classic. This is an alternate universe.
Like, where Clark Kent became Batman and Professor Xavier teaches
English as a second language.
We'll drive around in a limo and I'll sing for people, and make
everything all better with the world! Not that there's anything wrong with
the
world, but still, it'll be great.
Minmei: (sticks out her lower lip)
Mwahahahahahah! ^_^_^_^
Naru nearly choked trying to keep from laughing. Nearby, a tall man
in
tarnished green camouflage armor fell out of the trees, face first into the
bushes. Just having passed the tree and hedges, the girls took no notice of
him.
Heh. Already, a cameo! And considering Terra's, erm, slight change in attitude,
I guess it is apt to name this series after the infamous 'Tenchi in Tokyo'
series.
*Formal Military Salute* Yes sir!
I named it after the worst ever Tenchi series so I wouldn't be worried
about living up to any pre-conceived standards. The whole thing could
reek like wet dromedaries and I could be happy with it! ;)
The revisions are mostly for everyone else who's not me so they can be
more satisfied with it.
Naru's mouth hung open for a second before the neurons in her brain
finally
managed to go through the logs and verify that she had not used
gender-neutral
pronouns when speaking about her clumsy blonde ponytailed friend. "What?!
Suggest: pony-tailed
I checked around... While both ways of putting it are appropriate,
Google complained less when I fed it "ponytailed." Besides, I think
it looks nicer. :D
"Me and her. We must be one, or perish."
"That's kind of fatalistic, y'know."
"That's the way things have to be."
(waxing nostalgic) Ah, this exchange sure reminds me of Insertion without the
uber-powerful insert that warps reality itself to suit his needs. Which makes a
_lot_ of sense, seeing that Carrot himself has confirmed NETTG a major
inspiration in writing Insertion. That, in turn, I find ironic seeing that your
own Heart of Sugar was also 'inspired' by Carrot's Insertion. Circle of life
and all that.
It's a vicious cycle, to be sure. ^^
Carrot was like ten times as prolific as I ever was, so he get a lot
more recognition for it.
But... initially with A.S.K., it seemed just about the only way where
an internal conversation composed of a multitude of unnamable,
indistinct personalities could work. Literally having a conversation
with yourself.
Carrot liked NETTG's way of doing personalities, I wanted to parody
his way of multiple personalities, and out popped Heart of Sugar.
It's no fun if the SI participants absolutely LOVE what's going on.
They've gotta mess things up and rob liquor stores and things! ^^
"Bring me the Head of Ranma Saotome" was a particularly fun SI, as I recall. ^^
"Then once we find that problem, we'll BLOW IT TO BITS!!!"
"YEAH, BABY!"
...This, in particular, reminds me a lot of Insertion, even though you probably
came up with the 'psycho personality that likes explosions' thing first.
It was me, but I got that from the Mad Midnight Bomber What Bombs at
Midnight--YEAH BABY!!
There are no original ideas. Heh, but like I'm going to let that get in my way.
The man snapped his fingers and vanished in a flash.
A careful observer would have been able to see mens' size twelve
shoeprints
Unless this is being narrated by Shampoo of Ranma 1/2 fame or I'm merely
misreading what 'mens' means, mens' --> men's (the plural form of man needs not
an 's', so no need to use the apostrophe-no-'s' rule here)
I checked it out. People seem to use "mens" and "men's"
interchangeably. Either way, I put it wrong here. I decided to go
with "men's."
"Everyone, say hello to Incognita Terra."
"Good morning!" everyone said.
"Good morning," Terra replied to the class.
Haruna-sensei: (admonishes) I said say HELLO to Terra, class!
Lepardu(squishes another fish): Hmm... Du!
"Everyone, please greet Incognita Terra."
"Good morning!" everyone said.
"Good morning," Terra replied to the class.
"Good morning, Incognita-san," Haruna-sensei said warmly to her.
Terra skipped over to her desk and sat down, oblivious to the horrific
cultural
faux pas she had just committed.
I'd probably commit the same faux pas, seeing how that just went over my head.
A lot of people probably would. I just snagged the joke off of
someone's Japanese class experience
http://pepper.idge.net/japanese/
(Remember, kids! Cite your plagarized material! ;)
"Oh," Haruna hesitated, "it seems that Terra is a foreigner, from
Ireland.
Therefore, she does not understand how to speak properly to her equals nor
superiors.
Ooooh. Well, if anything, the fact that this is an English language anime fic
that's pretending to make use of Japanese when it is, in fact, using English
made the fact that there's lack of honorific usage and observance of Japanese
etiquette quite funny.
Squee! Somebody got the joke! =^.^=
Please show restraint and do not beat her to within an inch of her
life when she forgets to address any of you with proper honorifics."
Heh. I doubt it, though, seeing that the Gaijin Perimeter and the Gaijin Smash
will put these polite and xenophobic Japanese students out of the loop that is
Terra.
Mwahahahaha. ^_^
The student body nodded and hummed their acceptance of this analysis.
The last
one they had heard of to have been a party to committing such an atrocity of
missing or incorrect suffixes still hadn't gotten out of the intensive care
unit.
Pffft. Yeah right. Perhaps in this fic canon. Then again, groupthink can be a
very scary thing to witness, and even scarier to be a part of...
Groupthink! Ahh yes, none of us is as dumb as all of us! ^_^
There is no fic canon in this one. Only Zuul.
"Tsukino-san, if you're going to have the gall to cheat right in front
of my
face, then PLEASE at least try to cheat off someone who might actually have
the
right answer!"
Hehe.
Chalk up two jokes that worked! ^_^
"No, she isn't!" the teacher shouted back. "For crying out loud,
she's BRITISH
and she can't even speak proper ENGLISH. Grr, I can't take this anymore!"
Screaming, she ran over and jumped out the window.
Hmmm. This scene has shades of physical comedy reminiscent of the likes of
'High School High'. Take that as you will.
^_^ A little bit of silliness isn't nearly as good as a LOT of
silliness. Just look at Monty Python. Now THAT was class!
Intelligence had never been her strong point. There came a point
where, after
a certain level of thought, she just couldn't go deeper into a subject. It
was
like large chunks of her brain had simply been deactivated.
I'd say she's bordering Homer Simpson levels of intelligence. But not quite on
Patrick Star's level, methinks.
Terra(looks down at the cake): Mmm. Chocolate. (leans down but hits
her head on a cabinet) D'oh!
"From this moment on, I wanna be smarter!"
And so the peripeteia commences...
You know, I had to look up peripeteia. It finally made sense once I
read it off of Wikipedia. Yes, this Terra shall soon undergo a deep
and broad change.
Then she forgot what she was thinking about and found herself exiting
the
school building while talking with Naru and Usagi.
(facefault) I should have known.
Hmm... Now was it Minbari humor that was based off a failure to
achieve enlightenment? ^^
"Correct me if I'm wrong," Naru said, "but you seem to have some kind
of
learning disability."
"I do not!" Usagi cried.
"I wasn't talking about you."
Heh.
Three! Three vuunderbar jokes zat worked! Ah-ha-ha!
Terra reached out to grab the blonde's ponytails, but they fell off!
Then they
hissed and squirmed around on the ground, rattling their tails, and lunged at
her face, sharp barrettes dripping with venom.
I do believe Osaka of Azumanga Daio fame has had similar acid dreams like
these.
Yup, snagged the general concept right off fo Azumanga.
When Terra finally calmed down, she discovered she was at her new
Japanese
home, in her bed. Looking at her clock, it was about four in the afternoon,
an
hour after she'd left school. Her shoes were off and she was still dressed
in
her seifuki.
(tilts head) Shouldn't that be 'seifuku'?
(looks at the word, grabs an eraser, and fixes the word in my copy)
Yup! So it should. I'm surprised I missed the spelling error. And
it was still somehow in my copy.
"All the ponytails were trying to eat me," Terra whispered
secretively, as if
Classic lines like this truly define your fic, 'Nuke 'Em Til They Glow!' ^^;
Get enough one-liners together and you've practically got a story! If
nothing else, it'll liven up a lazy Saturday afternoon. ^^
"Well, would you look at the time," Naru said, quickly getting up and
sliding
out of Terra's hug. "I need to head home to help out my mom at the store."
"And I need to do my homework!" Usagi said.
Heh. Ah, Usagi...
"Try harder!" Naru shot back quietly. "They'll never fall for that
one."
"Shh!" Usagi hushed.
Y'know, IMO, you don't need these other lines; I believe that the readers in
the know can easily figure out the joke without the apparent follow-up. But
that's just me.
(checking...)
Without:
"Well, would you look at the time," Naru said, quickly getting up and
sliding out of Terra's hug. "I need to head home to help out my mom
at the store."
"And I, uh, need to go do my homework!" Usagi added emphatically.
Kasumi frowned. "You mean you can't stay just a little bit longer?"
With:
"Well, would you look at the time," Naru said, quickly getting up and
sliding out of Terra's hug. "I need to head home to help out my mom
at the store."
"And I, uh, need to go do my homework!" Usagi added emphatically.
"Try harder!" Naru shot back quietly. "They'll never fall for that one."
"Shh!" Usagi hushed.
Kasumi frowned. "You mean you can't stay just a little bit longer?"
Both are good ways of putting it. The first one asks the reader to
think about why the joke's funny. The second one explains it. If
you've never met Usagi before, you'd need the second version. If
you're familiar with SM, then the first would be clearly better. And
they do say that if you have to explain a joke, it's already failed,
so I clearly cannot choose the second one. On the other hand, this is
a rather warped continuity, so you wouldn't find much funny with the
first one.
But you have also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have
studied, and in studying you must have learned that--
Either is fine. I choose... (points behind the reviewer) WHAT IN THE
WORLD COULD THAT BE?!
(switches the selections around)
"Well, would you look at the time," Naru said, quickly getting up and
sliding out of Terra's hug. "I need to head home to help out my mom
at the store."
"And I, uh, need to go do my homework!" Usagi added emphatically.
Kasumi frowned at the pair as they stumbled back over furniture and
dropped shoes. "You mean you can't stay just a little bit longer?"
"No, we really, really need to be going," Naru insisted, backing
towards the door alongside Usagi. "It's been nice meeting you."
"Fate," Kasumi whispered. She looked out the window and saw the Moon
in the
daylight sky and paused as if trying to make some sense out of the
conversation--to give the whole thing some sort of meaning. Then she
shrugged
and looked back at her daughter.
Nice one, that.
So something's definitely up. Thanks.
"That too, but Japanese people aren't as... touchy-feely as your
friends in
Ireland were. They like having space, so next time you probably don't want
to
randomly come up and hug people you've just met."
Yes, indeed. It's the Gaijin Perimeter, it is. Then again 'randomly coming up
and hugging strangers' as a faux pas isn't necessarily a Japanese thing.
Indeed. It's as disconcerting here. However, it's more focused in
the more standoffish cultures. Going up and suddenly doing the tango
with the Queen of England might, for example, be frowned upon.
I want to... er, and -sempai works for... umm... awww, this is too hard!" In
frustration, Terra crumpled up her notepad and threw it towards a nearby
garbage can.
Wow. Some handy tips for fanfic authors who are just getting used to the
honorific things.
Yup. It's what I've learned after years of suffering, pain, and using
-chan to describe characters cursed to turn into girls.
Terra: Terra says! Tee-hee!
In-deed! ^_^
...Though really, IMO it's better that they never know, so they'll be forced to
never use it.
But it'll be OH so much fun watching them trying and failing to use it
properly!!
"I've spent twenty thousand years searching for you!"
"Twenty thousand years?"
Ah. Now I get the 'Terra in Tokyo/Tenchi in Tokyo' reference. If anything, this
whole fic series is a divergence to the parent canon the same way Tenchi in
Tokyo retconned events in such a way that it's now a separate continuity. I
see.
Yes. Worry not about NETTG Classic, for it is safe. As safe as the
Star Wars universe is in the buttery hands of George Lucas!!! :D
(Not to worry you or anything; it's just that living up to fans'
expectations that have built up for years is next to impossible. I'm
going to screw it up if I ever write more NETTG. And yet... I must!)
The man struck a pose. "I am the terror that blasts in the night! I
am the
nova that wipes out my enemies' home worlds. I am... THE STAR LIGHT KNIGHT!"
Aw. And here I was, expecting a more 'Team Rockety' approach instead of the
'Dee-Double-Yoo' way of speeches.
"It's time for trouble!"
"And make it double!"
"Fire burn and cauldron bubble!"
"Nuke the forest and make it stubble!"
Terra blinked at the man. He seemed to be changing voices and
speaking out of different parts of his mouth with each sentence.
"Huh?"
"I said," the man struck a pose, "I am the terror...."
What do you think? What's a proper intro?
Green and white fireworks exploded in the sky behind him. "I'm your Knight
in
Shining Armor, baby!"
Exactly how does camouflage armor shine? Doesn't that go against the very
nature of camouflage? And why is he not Atomic anymore?
He's not Atomic 'cause he's a punk cheap copy. Like the movie version
of that one villain(ess) Dilandau in Escaflowne. He's not the main
character of NETTG Classic. He's a construct made millennia ago to
serve Terra.
The sweet little schoolgirl heard a harsh discord somewhere between
her eyes,
and then everything went black.
(sweatdrops)
No other comment can fully give justice to what just happened than...
(sweatdrops) And so the _true_ peripeteia commences...
I'm told NETTG can be hard to follow. Maybe this is a continuation of
that hard-to-followness.
Sailor Nuke(looks away): Just... quit it. (turns back to the audience) So
remember, if you're going to Japan to be rude, BETTER PACK A LOT OF AMMO!!!
Worked back in the 'forties. Sailor Nuke sez. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAAA!
I don't think you need the asterisk before 'forties'.
I agree. I changed it in my copy.
Sailor Nuke: (nukes me)
:D
Author(stares blearily at what he just wrote): Oh dear. What in the world
is
this?!
Arby: It's REVISIONIST 'istory. Much betta' than regular history 'cause it's
been preread n' revoised!
DC and Marvel: (approves)
Ahh, the retcon! Such a lovely tool for making the story be whatever
you want it to be. REALLY upsets the fans though.
Hmm... If ya wanna comment, great! You might have some changes I can
incorporate. If not, that's fine too! You're getting the whole story
anyway,
whether you like it or not, so there! ^___^
That's a nice attitude to have when it comes to fic writing. Who knows? It
might actually nudge your muse enough to make NETTG! Classic get a proper, slam
bang ending/continuing arc in the near future. Or perhaps it can even inspire
you to work on some of your other fics. Heck, I certainly don't mind seeing
more Heart of Sugar, personally.
Keep bugging me for it! Don't give up! HoS will probably only take
2-3 chapters to finish. It was always meant to be a short SI. In
fact, that was next on my to-do list after Terra in Tokyo but I got
distracted by NETTG Classic and a few other things I had to take care
of. But now that my life's settled down somewhat, mostly what I need
are people who want it. Somehow... I still get energized by people
cheering me on. That old ego-boost thing again. (An overinflated ego
is also useful for overcoming inhibitions. It does affect the content
somewhat, but so does being depressed.)
Oh, and in regards to grammar comments: Well, at the very least, you don't
suffer from dyslexia. You are among the elite few I've C&Ced that make precious
little mistakes in their fics. I believe the simplicity and, ergo, readability
of your prose has contributed a lot to your fic being virtually error-free.
Either that or the fact that this fic was practically done when you started
submitting it in the FFML.
It was done and I ran it past my ol' mainstay editor Larry and the guy
who runs the www.fukufics.com forums.
I offer hearty handshakes and congratulations on that regard. Hell, I didn't
even need to get out the ol' 'list of broken grammar rules' thing at the end of
this C&C, which is, er, just peachy. ^.^ For a fic plot so full of silliness
that's more at home in IMO spamfics than in actual stories, I salute its
high-quality and lack of errors and mistakes. Seriously, I appreciate the lack
of grammar rule breakage in prose and in dialogue, seeing that I can
concentrate more on the plot.
Yay! Yes, I'm... mostly beyond major grammatical errors. People like
Jason Hanks and Jussi Nikander helped me figure out how the English
language was supposed to operate. (Now I'm a tech writer for a
medium-sized company, so it sure helped.)
Now you can finally see the story, laid bare with all its inconsistencies! ^_^
As such, as for the fic's plot: It's a mixed bag, really. From the get go,
NETTG isn't really a fic for everybody, but it does have its audience,
undoubtedly. It's like Kung Pow... either you see it as comedy gold or you see
it as 'a bad Saturday Night Live comedy sketch that was given a million dollar
budget.'
Some people like the flavor of some good Kung Pow (*deathmatches with
the cow for a bit*). Some people want a serious thriller that
explores the implications of a creature such as the Galactic Destroyer
adapting to human life and working through it to save the world.
That's very fascinating, but it can also get dark.
I like silly, I like serious, I like light, and I like a bit of dark
now and again. NETTG in its various forms is kind of me trying to do
all at once. Doesn't always work out right.
Either of the two opinions is correct and refers to the very same
movie, but it depends on the viewer himself which opinion he shares. As for
_my_ take on the fic, well, I think it's really silly; so silly that (like in
my Kung Pow analogy) it's like a spamfic idea that's been given the whole nine
yards in regards to fleshing it out and some such.
There are some spamfics that I really wish people would fully flesh
out. A spamfic is like candy. It is sweet but then it is over. But
what if we want a really BIG piece of candy? Or a whole bag full of
huge sweet candies to rot our teeth and brains on? Who will have the
gumption to toss one of those together, eh?
Is that a good thing or a
bad thing? For me, it's quite okay. Perhaps the spamfic comparison may be a bit
much; underneath all the gags and the silliness lies coherency, and it shows in
the development of events and the characters themselves. But at its very core,
the fic is a gags-galore type of story that prides itself in parodying quite a
few "conventional prose and fic writing" cliches (the scene where Kasumi
considers to give Usagi's statement 'some sort of meaning' then promptly
forgets it was kind of witty, in a way) and also provides good ol' silliness
that doesn't necessarily need some sort of underlying, philosophical meaning to
be funny.
And who's to say that it doesn't have some kind of deep underlying
philosophical meaning? That's what philosophy's for, to find stuff
that's not there. And then once it's discovered, it was there all
along, even though it wasn't. ^_^
Terra has indeed developed from the flat, crazy, and fast-becoming
cliche self-insert parody to the, well, still-crazy, certainly dumber, but
generally more fleshed-out girl we see here today. She even has a ready back
story to boot in the form of NETTG Classic... sort of. As I'm wont to say in
other C&Cs of continuing fic series, the Zeigarnik effect is indeed in full
swing: can't wait to provide more feedback to the rest of this series'
chapters. ^_^
Yay! I appreciated this review greatly. I look forward to any future
ones you do. Nice and detailed. I like seeing paragraphs written
about stuff I've written. It's fun!
Bottom line: Good intro. In general, this is not a bad intro. Then again, I
still feel it's not _that_ great of an intro. I can't say this is shaping up to
be a classic fic, ROTFLMAO fic, but it's a halfway decent LOL and chuckles fic,
to be sure.
I just wrote it at a flat out run in an attempt to get it done, so
that's more praise than I could have hoped to get, really. Thanks.
;)
I must guiltily confess that I liked Heart of Sugar better than
this fic,
A lot of people do. I think I've gotten a lot more nudges (up until
like 9 months ago) to get that done than I'd gotten on any of my other
'fics. It's got more mass appeal, I guess. SIs aren't inherently
bad. It's just that it's tricky to get a good one made without going
overboard. Then again, perhaps overboard is exactly what it must be.
Besides, there are a lot of grammarless 14-year-olds making SIs so
that tends to tip the averages down.
But don't give up! My fingers still work, so someday, Heart of Sugar!
Someday I'll finish you!
but this fic is not without its good points, and besides that this is
just the first chapter anyway. By the cleanness of the grammar, the technical
soundness of the spelling, the smoothness of the simple, non-purple prose, and
the comedic timing of the gags, it's quite okay. Actually, there aren't much of
the details to polish or refine, and what I've really been doing is just give a
general appraisal of the whole thing. So, yeah... Good intro. Your tenure as a
fic author has indeed polished your writing skills so much to make this
spamficcy fic work a decent comedy piece. Keep on writing those funny fics.
Thank you very much! I greatly appreciate this detailed review. It
obviously took a fair amount of time to put together (since it's
probably taken me a couple hours to properly respond ;).
And... we're up to like chapter 10 posted on the Florestica site...
http://boliver.florestica.com/tint/index.htm
At least this story will, most assuredly, get done, since it's done
already. It's the editing and sweeping changes that makes it tricky.
^^
Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel
Wakanai kedo oishii! Tabateiruu! *munch*munch*
Thanks again!