Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma1/2]Time Freeze
From: Abdiel
Date: 11/14/2006, 11:04 AM
To: Zakarune

This time around, let's have some yummy, yummy spam... fic. Sorry for the
delay, yadda yadda... Ah, who am I kidding? People expect this from me by now.

Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

And my next victim is... ;)

On 8/22/06, Zakarune <zakarune@gmail.com> wrote:
Author Notes:

I came up with this fic out of nowhere so don't blame me if you don't
like it.

I don't blame you. I blame the society that has spawned you. I'm kidding of
course, so hold off the flames.

This is my first fic I've felt I wanted to share in a while.
I wrote this a while ago and haven't found a drive to edit it.

Oh, it's going to get edited, all right.

  The virus had spread quickly. No one knew why only certain people
were infected. 

Apocalypse's TechnoVirus, perhaps?

I had no clue that the virus existed until I too became
infected. Of course, I denied it. How could someone as strong as I was
get sick?! My overconfidence became my greatest weakness, not that I'd
admit having one, and it almost killed me. Soon, I spread the virus to

Revise: admit having one --> admit to having one

lost hope in my fight, but I couldn't lose this one. Then, Ukyo passed
on. My good friend Ukyo...why was this happening?! 

In regards to that, please contact zakarune@gmail.com for more details on the
horrifying and nonspecific disease afflicting you and your loved ones.

That, sadly, wasn't
the end of these chain of events...these horrorifying 

horrorifying --> horrifying

Sounds like something Scooby-Doo would say.

Scooby-Doo: Horrrorifying! Brihihihihi!

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Akane, Mr. Tendo, and my father now had advancing symptoms. I too was
losing the fight against time. Each mourning became more and more
precious as the days wore on.

Er, yeah. Revise, suggest: mourning --> morning

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

If that's not the case, then explain to me why he would find mourning precious
instead of, say, depressing such that he'd avoid it at any cost.
 
remember the last things we spoke of. It saddens me to think of them,
but if I could stop the memories from flowing I would.

Revise: flowing, I would. (adds a natural pause, methinks)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

"I know I don't have much time...I can tell by the haunted look in
your eyes. I know we've mostly fought each other...but reme..remember

Revise: reme..remember --> reme...remember

Ellipsis, as a general rule, are three periods (...) or four periods if you're
using it to terminate a sentence after a character trailed off or whatever
(....). It's never just two periods (..), that's just wrong.

this. You're the greatest friend I've ever had. You...you aren't
the...the cause of my problems. I was blind. 

I guess it makes sense. Only when faced with certain death can Ryoga admit that
it wasn't Ranma's fault. Sounds about right.

For...Forgive me. I know
you and Akane are infected. Figh...Fight it....Fight it and save her.
If it's...the last ti...time you do. Make sure to do it.
Keep....her...safffeeee."

Suggest: saaaaffe." (the 'e' in 'safe' cannot be pronounced, so it doesn't make
much sense to extend the 'e' letters as if they could be pronounced)

 Ryoga spoke in a rasp and slowly his eyes
closed as he uttered the last word and his chest's slow motion slowed
further and then stopped.

The prose was so emotionally distraught that it began spouting off run-on
sentences. Please fix.

Suggest: Ryoga spoke in a rasp and slowly closed his eyes as he uttered his
last word. Then, the sluggish rise and fall of his chest slowed until it
stopped altogether.

Grammar Rule #71: Avoid making run-on sentences that go on and on such that
each and every dependent and independent clause is connected by conjunctions,
prepositions, redundancy, and over-punctuation; it's simply not kosher to see
so many thoughts in one sentence when you can simply separate them into
standalone ones--after all, it's better to make a paragraph from several
sentences than make a paragraph out of a single sentence, even though said
sentence may seem grammatically correct to you... Keep in mind, overworking a
sentence with so many thoughts stuffed into it can lessen the impact of its
meaning, and can thoroughly confuse your reader to boot. 


I just sat there and looked at his still cold body...for who knows how

Suggest: still-cold body for who knows how (hyphenate 'still cold' and get rid
of the ellipsis because it provides an awkward pause)

Grammar Rule #49: Use the ellipsis (...) to indicate missing...  
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!). 

long. I was brought back to the present when a crying Akane jumped
into my arms and soaked my shoulder. It was then that I realized I had
been crying the whole time. Men never cried. I shouldn't be crying!

(sigh) As I've noted in my C&C of Pursuit of Happiness, Ranma's a crybaby. We
can easily see him cry at the near end of the Moxibustion arc, when Akane poked
him where Kuno hit him with his kendo stick in the first volume, after the
Romeo and Juliet play arc, and during the Super Soba arc. Believe me, for a
man, Ranma cries _a lot_, and he never bothers to hypocritically note that men
shouldn't cry in any of those instances. So why should he now? 

Please, at the very least _read_ as much manga or watch as much anime as you
can before making such ridiculous claims about Ranma. Have a fundamental
knowledge of series canon before spouting out such gibberish. As you can see in
my disclaimer, I don't claim to own the complete library of Ranma 1/2 knowledge
and have trouble sorting out the hundreds of Actual Series Canon of hundreds of
anime, but at the very least I have a _modicum_ of knowledge to know what I'm
talking about, errors in judgment notwithstanding.

But...it felt better when I cried.

Ranma: I should know, since I cry a lot.

Maybe, it was ok to cry at certain
times. 

Ranma: Which is silly of me to note, seeing that already I cry at certain
times.

Also: ok --> okay (you might as well spell it out)

I continued to let my tears slowly roll down my face and held
onto Akane. I would save Akane. I would save her and let Ryoga rest in
peace!

Ryoga: Gee, thanks. That's what I always wanted. Me six feet under and you
saving Akane yet again, I mean.

Y'know what'll make this an even more interesting (spam)fic? If the whole thing
was actually Ryoga's nightmare.
 
After Ryoga died I devoted my life to medicine. 

Narrative Prose: Say goodbye to life, Suspension of disbelief! (shoots with his
shotgun)

Suspension: (dies)

Disbelief: (runs rampant)

Dr. Tofu eagerly
taught me all that he could. We started the only facility that studied
the virus. 

Exactly why would a chiropractor and his martial artist assistant be the only
ones studying this nonspecific and vague virus?

Ranma: It's Martial Artist Palsy, dammit! Only one out of ten martial artists
can _not_ get infected by it!

Everyone else felt the virus was absolutely too dangerous
to go near let alone study. 

Revise: near, let alone study.

Uh, right. I'm suuuure the Scientific and Medicinal Community would find the
nice chiropractor and his martial artist assistant's findings vital to the
treatment of a disease deemed too dangerous to study.

For two people infected it never seemed
dangerous. 

Revise: infected, it

With Nabiki's help with getting large funding for the
studies we made leaps and bounds in the field.

studies, we made leaps and bounds in the field.

(sigh) Let's heave another sigh for good measure. (sigh)

Let's get a few things straight: Nabiki has just about no money (why else would
she be so miserly?), and she has no 'underworld connections' of any sorts. She
is not a mob boss. She is NOT a Yakuza leader. She does not have tons of cash
under her disposal, and certainly not enough to fund a chiropractor and his
martial artist assistant's quest to find a cure for a vague and nonspecific
virus. This illusion springs from the fact that Nabiki is very persuasive and
clever when she wants to be. Her 'power' is based off subtle influence and
being at the right place at the right time. Seeing that she's so miserly, she
obviously does NOT have surveillance in their house. She'd rather spend her
cash on clothes and girly stuff than surveillance cameras and a gun (*sigh* as
well-written a fic as "Hearts of Ice" was, I have to admit that it had some
hand in propagating the Fanon Legend of Nabiki's 'small business earnings').

_If you really want to go fanon_, then please... tone it down a notch or two or
do something fresh with it so it doesn't seem like an oft-repeated internet
meme.

It couldn't adapt to me, as my genetic
make-up would constantly change. 

make-up --> makeup

It was agreed that I should welcome
the change as it would give me more time help save Akane and the
others. It wasn't long though before Dr. Tofu died as well.

muted trumpet call: ~Mwawahwahwaaaah...~

With Dr. Tofu the research died as well.

(facefault) I'm really starting to hate this fanfic. All that buildup about a
chiropractor researching about a virus even though it's not in his line of
'medicine' and _then_ he dies? So what the hell was all that setup for anyway?
Some payoff this turned out to be.

I couldn't stand being in the
clinic. There were too many memories. That's how things were now. Pain
was everywhere I looked. 

Ranma's mood: melancholy

Ranma's music: I dunno, anything Linkin Park wrote

I soon found myself around Akane more then
ever. We slowly let our walls down and soon found ourselves opening up
to each other more then we ever have. Time wasn't on our side though.

Revise: side, though


During our first date Akane collapsed from overexertion. She didn't

During our first date, Akane collapsed from overexertion.

have much time left. I felt like time was catching up to me as well.
It wouldn't be long. The bond we had been building between us became
ever more concrete. Then the final days came. I found myself unable to
leave her side. I was there to the very end. She died before me.
Minutes before me really. I couldn't believe what was happening. I
cried and mourned and wished for her to return. For everything to be
as it was. I felt so tired though. Yes, oh so very tired. I should
take a nap. I closed my eyes and let the darkness take hold. I
wouldn't wake the next day.

And without so much fanfare, he's dead. 

...So exactly what is the point to all this, hmmm?


-----------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
-DuckBoyMousse

If you consider this C&C as a flame or 'needlessly mean-spirited and willfully
ignorant of the subject matter', then be my guest. Laugh at this C&C. Glad to
be your source of entertainment.

With that said... Hmmm. As expected of a spamfic, my hefty (and Spiffy-New)
disclaimer is just slightly shorter than the fic itself. As such, it's Broken
Grammar Rules time, yo!

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spellcheck, then spellcheck your spellcheck. If this fic was merely sent
to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into your
personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think the
main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though this has already been
revised, this the impression I had.)

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #49: Use the ellipsis (...) to indicate missing...  
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!). 

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

The problem I have with this fic is that, well, the title is inapt and vague,
and so is the virus, and so is the plot. Many characters died without so much
fanfare (almost in the order of their appearance in the anime, the last one to
appear going first), most other characters were left without mention, and the
drama between the remaining survivors seemed forced and insincere. Sure, people
can feel Ranma's pain, but with the way your roughshod prose portrayed him, he
came out more like an OOC annoying and bothersome whiner. Not so much insight
from him, and what little insight was there was merely more whining. Ryoga's
death was okay, I suppose, since I find it believable to say the things he said
at that point, but the ending seemed kind of rushed, the subplot of Tofu
helping Ranma find a cure for the virus unbelievable, and the deaths of the
remaining characters anticlimactic and pointless.

I felt depressed about reading this fanfic, and it's not because of its (lack
of) story. It's too vague and general to even be rated as a story. It's more of
a summary, or a framework. There's no setup. There's no execution. There's only
this collection of OOC first person POV words that summarizes Ranma and
company's death care of a mysterious illness. And, as is, your fic barely has a
leg to stand on. If you want advice on improving it, then I suggest finding a
particular instance of the fic and flesh out a shortfic about that. Also, get
rid of unbelievable turn of events like a chiropractor researching about
viruses or Nabiki having a billion-yen stash to help fun said chiropractor.
Don't glaze over characters like they're nothing unless you want to focus on a
particular pair. Oh, and I believe that's the thing that I hated about your fic
the most: its complete lack of focus. 

Kudos to you for making a fic which you and your fans (if there are any) would
fully enjoy. As such, I wish you luck on your future ficcing endeavors. Who
cares if I didn't like your fic? Just because I hated it doesn't mean it's the
worst fic in all of fandom. I'm sure you'll find your niche, if ever. And if
not, well, there's always room for improvement. 

In any case, ignore my hydrochloric acid-laced comments if you'd like. I'm only
"keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in the fic.
If you want to keep your fic as is, good. Let's agree to disagree. I'm _not_
The Grand Authority on Fanfics, nor do I want to be (Just how nerdier can you
get with a job description as 'The Grand Authority on Fanfics'?). If you found
my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I could give
you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on writing... It's
the best solution to a summary of story trying to pass itself off as an actual
story. I would also suggest to you to read less fics and more actual books and
literature; it really helps. Reading the manga itself would be a great deal of
help too (understatement). In short, keep on writing. That's my buck and a
half. Abdiel out. 


Hanggang sa muli,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."

"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."

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