Subject: [FFML] [C&C] [HP][Draft 1] Paladin Chapter 1
From: Jared Waddell
Date: 11/13/2006, 11:38 AM
To: StudioPC
CC: ffml@anifics.com

Engage C&C engine!
 
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Loading: Arrogant Presumptuousness mode...

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Note: An idea that came to me one day. New chapters as I write them.
 
What? You can't release new chapters before you write them? How about after? Would after work for you?


Disclaimer: Harry Potter is the creation of J.K. Rowling. No money is  
being made from this and no such intent should be inferred.

-----------------

Somewhere in Germany . . .

She strode towards him from the smoke of battle. She was clad in  
armor, red hair tied back in a braid, and her face was dirt streaked.  
A cut on her arm was bleeding and she carried a sword in one hand and  
a war hammer in the other.
 
Now that's what I call a blind date.

<snip>

"Your deity and I were discussing the finer points of the Paladin and  
God contractual obligation," Remus said. "I trust it went well?"
 
Or was it... 'contraceptual' obligation? Ba dum pish!


Ginerva "Ginny" Weasley scowled. "He rabbited before I could get  
close enough."
 
He started eating lettuce?


"Pity," Remus said. "I was all set to have a long talk with him too."  
There was a dangerous light in his eyes, that something inhuman  
lurked behind the quiet agreeability of the man clad in old robes and  
patched cloak.
 
'agreeability' I like that one.


"Next time," Ginny promised. "Malfoy can't hide forever and neither  
can Riddle. I'll string them up by their guts for what they've put me  
through. Just for starters."

It seemed a bit harsh, Remus mused, but it was their fault. After  
all, if they hadn't tried to conquer this world, Ginny would never  
have been pulled from hers.

On their own heads be it.
 
I'm confused.
 
On the one hand, this isn't necessary a bad thing. I'm curious about how things got to this point. On the other hand, I'm not terribly interested in the specifics. I've used the 'big battle' opener before, and found it a terribly difficult beast to work with. It's a delicate matter of explaining enough to make the audience interested and showing them a good story. This reads more like you've got an image of the character that you want to keep in your head. It's less enticing to readers. I'm not sure how to fix it. I don't have any good advice or snappy formulas. Heck, the only decent example I can think of is Fight Club. So, anyway. Lots of room for improvement in this scene.

<snip>
"Wotcher, Remus," said a voice.

"Miss Tonks," Remus said.

Almost as tall as Remus, with short hair (at least today) and a touch  
of the distinctive Black chin, Nymphadora Tonks was courageous,  
personally moralistic, and highly attractive. In many ways, she was  
much like a wolf herself and his inner wolf found that very  
interesting. It may have also been that she was not afraid of the  
fact that during the full moon, Remus got very hairy and "extremely  
irritable" as young Draco Malfoy had put it.
 
Hey, it happens to the best of us...


<snip>

As the three of them sat at the table, Remus quickly analyzed what he  
knew so far.

Ginny Weasley. early 20's Engaged/Married. Trained in magical combat,  
though some aspects had been left out. Origins unknown, but wherever  
she was from, he was a professor, a thought he intended to be amused  
at later. Hogwarts was also unspoiled. She didn't panic easy and had  
good observational skills. This left two possibilities for her origins.
 
Holy exposition, Batman! Couldn't this be broken up into more than a paragraph? A few paragraphs? Please? Pretty please? I do realize this is a summary in Lupins head, but it's too factual to be taken as a character's actual reflection on the facts.


<snip>

>From there, Ginny went on to explain that in her world, a procephy  
was made concerning Voldemort. According to it, the one with the  
power to defeat Voldemort would be born in July of eighty-one. He  
would have power that that Voldemort knew not, and the Dark Lord  
would mark him as an equal.
 
procephy -> prophecy
 
I'm not sure Ginny (canon) would have heard the prophecy first-hand. I don't think she did, at any point in the books. Of course, someone could have related it to her (Harry).

<snip>

>From somewhere in the stacks, he heard a shrieking cackle. Perhaps  
Crookshanks had a point.

"All right," Remus said, "But when she's more . . . coherent, let her  
know that I need a word with her." With that, he exited, but left the  
door slightly open and then waited.
 
... she doesn't wear a monocle and sit in a wheelchair, perchance?


>From inside, he heard soft, shuffling footsteps.

"Who was that? Was it someone bad?" The voice was a woman's, soft and  
crooning. "Can't be disturbed, almost done. Opened the door last  
night, I think. Better world, sweet Crookshanks, better world for  
everyone."

The footsteps faded away back into the depths of the library and  
Remus headed back towards his room, lost in thought.

That was interesting . . . that was very interesting. Oh my, yes.
 
Aaaaaaaaand, Cliffhanger!
 
Okay, I'm interested. I have no idea where it's going, but it's interesting.

The backstory for this changed world, what of it is shown, is quite good. It lays the foundations for Remus' various observations. 'Solid' is the word I'd use. The overall tone of the prose reminded me a lot of the novels themselves, which is a good thing, in my opinion.

Didn't do much of a spell check, but nothing show-stopping, except for 'procephy.'

Looking forward to the next bit,
Rick Spiff


 
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