Subject: [FFML] Re: [ffml][fanfic][HP/ATS] Look Upon My Work 1/?
From: Abdiel
Date: 11/10/2006, 11:31 AM

What a title for a fic. It's almost like a desperate cry for attention...
though it was probably unintentional. If it's intentional, then boy are you
snarky. ^_^

Standard C&C Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

Well now, this is my second non-anime fic C&C. Good for me.

And my next victim is... ;)

On 7/16/06, Frank Felix Menuel Langdon <> wrote:
Look Upon my Work, And Despair

First off, here's the first grammar rule you've broken...

Grammar Rule 72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer.  
As such, "Look Upon my Work, And Despair" --> "Look upon my Work, and Despair"

Now let's talk formatting. As it is, your formatting really sucks. Not only is
this irritating for the reader, it's also annoying to the C&Cer. Find a
solution to that, because formatting errors kills more fics than Self Insert
content. Your fic contains non-ASCII characters (like �smart quotes� like so,
special ellipses such as '�', and special characters and symbols such as the
'�' in 'carri�res' or the '�' in 'na�ve'). There's also the fact that there are
way too many spaces between each paragraph. If you would please, reduce the
number of spaces between paragraphs to just one space. 

Getting back, normally, the special characters wouldn't be a problem with HTML
formatted text found in, say,, but unfortunately the FFML is
kind of like a dinosaur, er, I mean, 'old school' type of mailing list that
would rather make use of the universal 'ASCII/plaintext' standard rather than
the more modern, HTML/Microsoft Word/Printed Material standard. Which makes
sense before, when different operating systems and computers don't have a
standard for special characters. That's not the case anymore, AFAIK, but what
the hey, your fic formatting relative to FFML's Listar is still an eyesore

But don't worry, there's a way around this. If you're using Microsoft Word, you
can still tweak it (somewhat) so that you too can type in plain text like the
FFML fossils, er, old pros. Click the 'Tools' tab and select the 'Autocorrect
Options'. It has about five tabs: Autotext, Autoformat, Smart Tags,
Autocorrect, and Autoformat As You Type. Now, if you're like me, I have a
tendency to leave unchecked either the 'Autoformat' tab and/or the 'Autoformat
As You Type' tab (because of MS Word's annoying tendency to put each tab at the
front such that you can't backtrack what's been checked or unchecked). As such,
uncheck all tabs until you get it right. Or, if you find all this too
complicated, write in notepad... It works well with HTML coding too.

Another theory of mine concerning your funky formatting would be that your mail
client itself Autoformats everything you type, so it's irrelevant whether or
not you're using Microsoft Word, Wordstar, WordPerfect, Notepad, or whatever. I
can't offer any unsolicited advice on matters of the mail client 'coz, hey,
it's your mail client. Then again, I do believe Hotmail has some options in it
for you to change all your mails into plaintext, so please do look into that.


An ATS/HP crossover by Minor WMD +2

Author�s Warning:  Beware mortal, this is not for the faint of heart or the
weak of mind.  Madness this way leads. Another words, don't read this

Revise: Another words --> In other words
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Like all good stories, ours begins with a girl.

Lots of bad stories begin with a girl as well. 

Also, you're shifting tenses. That's wrong. Stick to past tense if it's past
tense, and present tense if it's present tense. This isn't an essay, so don't
freely shift from tense to tense, mmmkay?

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

Actually, no, it began with a boy � an infant in fact.  

9_9 Wow. What a transparent and extraneous misdirection ploy.

And he was the most
famous infant in all the world.   Well, not all the world.  Not even a half
of it.  

I hate a lying prose. When exactly can I take it seriously and when exactly can
I turn off the gratuitous snarkiness?

By all accounts the part of the world we�re talking about you can
fit comfortably into the state of Denmark.  Go figure, but the people in
this part of the world thought themselves more important than the rest.  But
I digress.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've used _this_ particular rant (dusts the
rant off).

While I'm sure you find your little talk-to-the-reader-directly kind of prose
funny, it's really not. (shrugs) No laughs from me here. It's been used before
by newbie writers and once those newbie writers mature, it's not used ever
since. I dunno what fanfic you've read made you think that meddling author
narratives are the bomb, but I'm here to tell you it's not. Let the story tell
itself. It's unrepentantly juvenile, and writing such prose is an exclusively
newbie/amateur thing, methinks. This kind of humor is typical of bad and IMO
unfunny fics where author asides are rampant and are used as a pathetic attempt
at humor. Sentient Narrative Prose, as I call it. Better authors can pull this
off, but better authors also have the common sense not to (over)use it for an
entire chapter or an entire fic. 

Opinions are varied on this, but as for me (and others, I'm sure), an author
should never, ever talk directly to the readers in the middle of a story. As an
author, you should be working to develop the illusion that your story is
actually happening and your reader is actually experiencing it. Nothing blows
this out of the water quite like talking directly to the reader. It's never as
funny as you think it is, and even if it is, we didn't come to hear a stand-up
comedy routine about these characters, we came to experience a _story_
featuring them. Most of the time, fics that make use of this and make use of
this a lot as a crutch to make the story funny fails miserably in that regard.

Don't think that just because you are trying to write humor that you don't have
to worry about whether it makes sense. Humor *has* to make sense, even if it's
in a twisted or exaggerated way. Oh, and humor is supposed to be funny, but I
guess that's needlessly mean-spirited for me to say. I'll instead note that a
fic shouldn't have an audience of one and that people _other than_ the author
could glean something... anything... from the fic, as long as it's not the
unintentional humor of an Ed Wood movie.

And the boy grew up being abused by his relatives.  It�s a real tear jerker
that one, good for a 90 minute chick-flick on the Lifetime channel.

Suggest: ninety-minute; chick flick

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. 

Yet another digression: Concerning Harry Potter's 'Cinderella/chick-flick
(sic)' situation of being abused and being a martyr by a collection of a
generic 'evil step-family' archetype... Is it just me or is his trite and
cliche little back-story with the Dursleys a bit too, w-ell, derivative and
eye-roll inducing? 'Coz that's the first thing that came to my head when I
finally got around reading Harry Pothead, er, Potter. I mean, if the same
cookie-cutter type of situation (the nigh-gothic 'Pity-Beggar' type of
situation), was used by, say, a juvenile Mary Sue author, or even an
honest-to-goodness original fic author, the fan-poodles/nitpickers would demand
him/her hung. But when J.K. uses it, it's suddenly all right?

The Hurricane (WWE): WHATSUPWIDAT!?

But I, like you, have digressed from the main point (...what was the main
point?). On with the C&C.

Well actually the boy is quite boring and isn�t really that important.  What

Well, actually, the boy (comma needed in those instances)

is important is the girl.  So, boy meets girl on the first day of school and
the girl falls for another boy.  It could have been another teenage angst
drama, another 90210, and the story could have ended right there.  

At this point, the fic reads more like a TV Guide/Ebert review of the latest
Harry Potter movie or yet another acerbic critique from A.S. Byatt concerning
the latest line of Harry Potter books than an actual story. It's like I'm
critiquing another person's critique not unlike some people I've seen on the

But is this a good thing or a bad thing? (thinks for all of three seconds) It's
a bad thing. Fourth Wall breakage, sassy and sentient narrative, suspension of
disbelief allayed... Yeah, bad thing.

But nope,
there is a prophecy about the boy.


around him to help with his destiny.  And without knowing it he had dragged

Suggest: And without knowing it, he had dragged

...I concur. Indeed, this fic is dragging.

the girl into it too.  He got lucky the first few times, and managed to stay
always one step ahead of the very bad man with the help of the girl and the
other boy.  But there�s a price.

There�s always a price�

Despite your constant and irritating meandering in the earlier parts, I liked
this succinct line. The line's genuinely dramatic and apt tone was far more
influential than its roundabout, tortuous tone.

Oh, and you have: Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect
feature. Please replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext,
three-dotted ellipsis '...'

The damp air condensed off the limestone walls like tears rolling down the
face of a crying mural.  

Nice descriptive prose over here too.

eerie chill blew through the tunnels of the les carri�res de Paris, the
catacombs of Paris, and Hermione Granger shivered.

�Mom, do we have to do this?� Hermione Granger, the bushy haired daughter of

Suggest: Hermione, the bushy-haired (repeating 'Granger' this time around
sounds a bit redundant, and compound descriptors should be hyphenated)

Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies endlessly
over and over again.

Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.

�Come on, Hermione.  Where�s your sense of adventure?� the elder Granger
woman teased her daughter.  �This is our vacation, let�s enjoy ourselves.�

Suggest: This is our vacation, so let's enjoy ourselves.

Or: This is our vacation; let's enjoy ourselves.

The Grangers had paid a local guild for map of the catacombs.  Normally,

Revise: paid a local guild for a map of the catacombs. (add the article 'a' in
between 'guild for' and 'map of')

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

only a small portion of the underground tunnels were opened to tourists,
however, there were various hidden entrances all over the city of Paris.

Suggest: tourists; however

The semicolon is your friend. Use it.

For the two older Grangers there was nothing like exploring the unknown than

Suggest: two older Grangers, there was

It was rumored that the Germans had built a secret bunker down here during
their occupation of France in World War II.  It would be great if they just
happen upon it in their exploration.   �The neighbors would eat their hearts
out when we show those pictures,� the Grangers thought.

Hermione: No, I most certainly did _not_ think that!

Suggest: the Grangers thought. --> Mister and Missis Granger thought./Mr. and
Mrs. Granger thought.

�That�s what makes it so exciting sweetheart,� said Mr. Granger.  He held
his wife�s hands, both smiling.

His wife's hands were both smiling? ?_?

Suggest: He held his wife's hands; both he and she were smiling./ He held his
wife's hands; both of the elder Grangers were smiling.

�Hump,� Hermione huffed and stomped off but she didn�t dare to go far.  Not
even out of sight.  �I have enough excitement at school as is,� the bushy
haired girl grumbled.

bushy-haired girl (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)

Jack Granger smiled at his little girl.  He had no idea where she got the
whole law-and-order mentality but it certainly wasn�t from them.  

Or it was from them and her law-and-order mentality came from her rebelling
against their hippy approach towards life.

their fellow classmates.  When no one talked it was Hermione 4who ratted the

talked, it was Hermione

I always find it fascinating how she grew up to be such a hypocrite in Harry
Potter, breaking rules when she wouldn't normally do so for the sake of ol'

boy out.  His little girl wasn�t exactly Miss Popular with the other
children after that incident.

She was never quite Miss Popular, which is why Emma Watson's the biggest
miscast for a movie role since Jack Nicholson became the Joker. I'm not saying
it's necessarily a bad thing to have a miscast, since both movies became hits,
but I'm just saying that Mr. Granger's a nerd, and Emma Watson's not; she was
in the first stages of babe-hood when she signed for the movie role, in fact.
The movie's OOC and non-IC from the get-go.

Tsk. I should stop making these digressions, the C&C's long enough as is. 

He could still remember the conversation he had with Hermione the following
day when she came home crying.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~FLASHBACK ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh dear lord God, you didn't. -_- 

Suggest: Getting rid of this, since the reader can easily figure this out after
reading the next paragraph. Why not put in few scene breaks here and there
instead of this setting explanation ("FLASHBACK") after the scene? I know there
are people who get annoyed by scene breaks, but I haven't exactly seen any
suggestions or substitutions for them. Just don't overdo the scene breaks and
you'll be fine, because these scene breaks are better than "~ ~ ~ ~ ~FLASHBACK
~ ~ ~ ~ ~" because, for my money, it seems more of a liability than an asset
for your fic. Remember: Show, not tell that the following scene is a flashback.

�Did I do something wrong dad?� a blurred eye Hermione came to him.

Revise: wrong, dad? (add comma for natural pause)

Also: blurred eye Hermione --> blurry-eyed Hermione
Hermione was confused.  �But� but��

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

�Hush now honey, everything�s alright.  You did the right thing and that�s

Suggest: alright --> all right

Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

�I�m worried about her Liz,� Jack told his wife.  �She is so na�ve�so

Revise: I'm worried about her, Liz, 

When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the identification must be
separated from anything else by a comma.

"I'm worried about her" --> this is what he's saying.

"Liz" --> this is who he's saying it to.

Therefore there must be a comma between them.

pathetically weak� I don�t know how she will survive the prophesized time of
our master�s return?�

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Also: O_O Wow. Now _there's_ an interesting plot point.

Jim Ross (WWE): Business has just picked up.

�Give her time Jack, she�s only six.  

Revise: Give her time, Jack, she's only six.

She�ll grow out of it.� Liz said the
words, soothing her husband but she didn�t believe it.  Not really.

She didn't believe she was soothing her husband? ?_?

A car-wreck sentence if I've ever seen one. Suggest: She'll grow out of it,"
Liz said as a way to sooth her husband's worries, but she didn't believe a word
of it. Not really.
�I hope you�re right� I hope you�re right��

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ FLASHBACK ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Gee, that must have been a flashback! Says so right here!

Jack Granger was a portly figure, a receding hairline and otherwise

It's weird to call a person 'a receding hairline'.

Suggest: Jack Granger was a portly figure, with a receding hairline and

unremarkable in appearance.  He had grown accustomed to life as a dentist.
Not too thin, not too muscular and not too fat, 

Er, 'portly' means fat.

Jack was just plan

plan --> plain

Liz Granger was exactly the same.  Not too beautiful or statuesque,

Let me just take this time to congratulate you on not opting to make the
Grangers into models and instead 'normal, everyday, and mundane'. It makes them
more interesting to read about, seeing that in the extraordinary world of Harry
Potter, the mundane is the exception and not the rule. Great use of thematic

everything what a suburban housewife with a dentist practice should look

Revise: everything what --> everything that

like.  She was no Wisteria Lane material but far from repulsive and had
passed her good qualities to Hermione.  She had on some kakis and white silk
blouse with short sleeves and wore expensive perfume, had a nice fragrance
to it.

Suggest: and wore expensive perfume that had a nice fragrance to it.

Her parents� giggles echoed off the walls and elicited a mandatory eye roll
from Hermione.  Just up ahead Hermione heard whispers.  

Suggest: Just up ahead, Hermione heard whispers.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

The voices sounded
very familiar.

�Someone down here with us?� she was scared.  �What if they�re muggers? Or
worse��  Hermione was just about to tell her parents to be quiet want she

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

A man in dark robes and a mask step out from the shadows.

It's _always_ a man in dark robes, thought the mask is usually optional.
�Well, well� if it isn�t the mudblood and her filthy muggle parents,� said

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Also: You _are_ kind of overusing the ellipsis thing at this point. Remember...

Grammar Rule #49. Use the ellipsis (...) to indicate missing... 

...No more, no less.

She knew that voice.  �Malfoy��

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

�That�s right mudblood, and it looks like it isn�t your lucky day.�  By now

Revise: That's right, mudblood, and

several other Death Eaters had notice the exchange and had encircled the

had notice --> had noticed


In desperation Hermione reached for her wand hidden in the pockets of her

Suggest: In desperation, Hermione reached


Here's hoping she didn't break her wand (while hiding it in her pants pockets)
like good ol' Weasely did.

She knew it was against ministry laws of underage wizarding but it
was their only chance.  But Malfoy was faster; he had his wand pointed at
them before Hermione could do the same.

Suggest: But Malfoy --> Unfortunately, Malfoy (to avoid repetition of 'but').
He threatened them with the wand.  �I wouldn�t do that if I were you.�

Huh. If only the more 'grrl-powered' babe movie Hermione were here...

(non-movie) Hermione: HEY! I'm far more 'grrl-powered' than that poser, Emma

�What�s going on here?� Jack Granger came to the forefront.  His loud
intimidating voice was not having as much effect as he hoped.

Suggest: loud, intimidating
�Shut up muggle.� Draco spat.

Shut up, muggle," Draco spat.

Or: Shut up, muggle."

Hermione new it was now or never. She still had the high power flash light

Revise: new --> knew

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually horde to fined using a spellchecker.

Suggest: high power --> high-power/high-powered

From the corner of her eye she saw the other Death Eaters going for their

Suggest: her eye, she

wands.  Instinctively, she jumped and dove to the side narrowly avoiding the
incoming spells.

Suggest: side, narrowly avoiding

Jack saw it was going down and reacting.  

Huh? What did you exactly mean by 'it was going down and reacting'? What was
going down and reacting? What did Jack see?

Suggest: Jack saw it was going down and reacted immediately.

Also: Jack saw what was happening and reacted immediately.

He threw himself at the nearest
black robed masked freak and with a grunt knocked the heavyset man to the

Suggest: black-robed, masked freak and, with a grunt, knocked

Hermione grip her wand and braced herself.  

Hermione grip --> Hermione gripped

She hit the cobblestone floor of
the catacomb and instantly cast her spell.  �Lumos� she shouted.  She put
everything she had into this spell, it was there only chance.  

there only chance --> their only chance

There was a
brilliant flash of light that came from the tip of her want, all

want --> wand

encompassing and all surrounding.  The next thing she knew people were
screaming all around her spells flew in random directions.

Revise car-wreck sentence into: The next thing she knew, people were screaming
all around her while spells flew in random directions. 

Suggest: The next thing she knew, people were screaming all around her while a
myriad of spells flew in random directions. 

Incidentally, since your sentence was missing a 'which' in it...

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

She saw Draco had just about recovered but Hermione didn�t give him the

Suggest: Hermione saw Draco had just about recovered but she didn't even give
him the

chance.  Hermione summoned any last bits of her magical strength and send an

Suggest: Hermione summoned every last bit of her

Revise: send --> sent

Expelliarmus at him.  She was satisfied to hear his thud against the stone
wall.  She grabbed her dad and found her mom, together they ran down the

Suggest: dad, found her mom, and together

�Stupefy,� Jack fell on the floor, a dead weight.

Hmmm. First time I've ever seen dialogue connected to a sentence that does not
contain a speech indicator of some sort. As to whether or not it's grammatical,
I simply have no idea.

Hermione whirled around to face their attacker but just as she whipped out

Suggest: attacker, but
�Stupefy,� Hermione hit the floor.  She never saw her attacker.

Hermione (played by the star of the movie "Superstar", Molly Shannon):

The cell was dingy and dark as the catacombs under Paris. 

Seeing that _soooo_ many people have seen the catacombs under Paris, I
certainly don't need to take your word for it and simply will be convinced by
the fact because the catacombs under Paris is something that's very familiar to
me and many, many others.

The stone walls
were covered in grim and 

grim --> grime (Grammar Rule #74)

other filth that the everyday wizard wouldn�t care
to name. It faintly smelled of urine and feces though it was faint, it must
been there a long time ago. 

Suggest: was faint; it must

For a moment Hermione thought they were still in Paris, but she noticed the

Suggest: For a moment, Hermione (adds a natural pause)

walls where different. 

where --> were (Grammar Rule #74)

While the Parisian catacombs were made from lime and
jagged rock the room they were in were made from solid brick. 

Suggest: rock, the room (adds a natural pause)

�What are we going to do Jack?� Liz asked her husband. She held on to him
fear very much the only thing on her mind.

Suggest: do, Jack?

Suggest: She held on to him, fear

�I don�t know hon� If only I had my shotgun.� Jack eye�s searched the room,

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Also: searched the room, --> searched the room;

besides the wooden door there was no other access point. The door looked
rotten and rigidly but 

Revise: rigidly --> rigid

Though it's weird to see a door that's rotten _and_ rigid. 

Suggest: rotten and rigidly but --> rotten but rigidly shut, and

Or: rotten and rigidly but --> rotten but rigid, and

Also: rotten and rigidly but --> rotten and dilapidated but

he doubt he�ll be able to break through it with
ordinary physical force.

Revise: he doubt he'll --> he doubted he'd

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

�That wouldn�t work,� Hermione interrupted. �They have a charm against
that,� referring to her dad�s shotgun.

Suggest: that," she explained, referring to her dad's shotgun.

�It�s a very good gun,� Jack missed his gun. For a moment Jack wondered what
kind of magical education his daughter had been given.

Suggest: For a moment, Jack

The door swung opened and there, stood the black robed clad figure of a

Revise: The door swung open (open here is a modifier to 'swung', not a verb, so
no need to shift it to past tense)

Also: no need for the comma after 'there'

Furthermore: black-robed (Grammar Rule #73)

Death Eater. Hermione swallowed nervously she stood up along with her

Missing word: nervously as she (add 'as' in between 'nervously' and 'she')

parents and were led outside. They were defenseless; she racked her mind for
any Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons that might be useful, but she came
up blank. She missed the part on how to escape Death Eaters without a wand.


The Grangers were led into a dark chamber, the Dark Lord Voldemort�s throne
room. The Dark Lord himself was seated there, upon his throne of skulls.
�Don�t panic,� Hermione told herself.

Voldermort: FINISH THEM!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ FATALITY ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

�Yes my lord,� It was Draco Malfoy, Hermione realized.  He was standing next
to the Dark Lord.

Revise: Yes, my lord." It was Draco Malfoy,
The Dark Lord stared at her.  �So you are the mudblood the Potter boy is so
smitten with?� it was less of a question, more of a statement Hermione

with?" It was less of a question and more of a statement, Hermione thought.

Hmmm. I gather you're one of those 'Half-Blood Prince' haters? Either that, or
Voldemort seems to agree with fandom and Cho Chang in concern with Harry
Potter's relationship with Hermione.
The Dark Lord seems annoyed by her silence a Death Eater picked up on it and

Revise: The Dark Lord seemed (Grammar Rule #55) annoyed by her silence;
(punctuation problems)

Her parents tried to reach her but the other Death Eaters stopped them.
Hermione got back up defiantly, showing every bit of a Gryffindor.

Suggest: showing she was every bit a Gryffindor.

Or: showing every bit of a Gryffindor's courage.

�Whatever you want to do to me just do it.  

Suggest: to me, just do it.

I�m not afraid of you.�
Hermione declared and stared back at the Dark Lord rebelliously.

Revise: I'm not afraid of you," Hermione declared
Why add the comma? Because Hermione _declared_ that she wasn't afraid of
Voldemort. It's a speech indicator, dude.

Jack and Liz winced.  �Bad idea,� they both thought.

If they both 'thought' the statement 'Bad idea', then how come it's in quotes?
It's more like they said it out loud than thought it.

�This one has got quite a tongue, doesn�t she?� The Dark Lord joked.  �Very
well I shall tell you.  

Suggest: Very well... I shall tell you.

We�re going to torture you then sent pieces of

then sent --> then send

what�s left of you to the boy.  I always find that it is more entertaining
to let my victims know what�s going to happen to them.  The expectations you
see��  He laughed evilly and Draco also well as the other Death Eaters

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Also: The expectations, you see..." (the comma adds a natural pause to the
prose flow)

Furthermore, revise: He laughed evilly and Draco, as well as the other Death
Eaters, soon followed.

�Wait,� Liz shouted.  �We can get you the Potter boy.�

Hermione reeled in shock.  So too was Voldemort, he paused.

Suggest: So too did Voldermort; he paused.

Or: Voldermort too was in shock; he paused.

Jack answered the Dark Lord.  �My lord,� he addressed him.  �It would be our
honor to serve you��

~Dun, dun, DUUUUN~

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

doesn�t have much more time.  �The boy wouldn�t resist the chance to get out
of that house and he wouldn�t suspect a thing from our daughter.  We will go
to his house and take the boy to our home where you�ll have one of those��

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

What were those things Hermione told us about last year? The ones that
teleports them around�  It took Jack a moment to remember what it was
called.  �portkeys� waiting.  Once there, Hermione will trick the boy into

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'
�Hmm� this plan�� The Dark Lord thought out loud.  �It sounds very

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

�Yes, it was a very good plan� but you�ll never get the girl to betray her
friend.  For wasting my time�� Voldemort whipped out his want and finished
what he was about to do earlier.  �Crucio�

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

�No, wait!� Liz screamed out and suddenly it turned into a howl as every
nerve in her body was racked with pain.  She twisted and withered on the
floor, her husband shared the same fate.

Revise: floor, her husband sharing 

�Stop it!� Hermione shouted at the sight of her parent�s torture.  �Stop
it�� she shouted once more but it was almost like a plea.

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Voldemort smiled.  �Avada Kedavra!� a sickly green light came out the tip of

Suggest: sickly-green light (Grammar Rule #73)

Voldemort�s wand.  When it touched Jack Granger, he struggled no more.

We're treading Dark Fic territory here.

�Oh God� Daddy?� Hermione tried to reach her father but a Death Eater kicked

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Hmmm. Seeing that Voldermort killed Jack and he doesn't even recognize either
Jack or Liz, then obviously there's some _other_ dark lord Jack and Jill, er,
Liz worships. And ATS has lots of 'em. I'm just wondering who...

her down.  They laughed at her agony.

Never mind treading, we're already _there_, man. 

�Mr. Malfoy,� Voldemort turned to the young Death Eater.  �Why don�t you
entertain us,� he point to Hermione.  �Impress us with your ingenuity.�  He

he point to --> he pointed at

�It would be my honor,� Draco grinned at Hermione.  �May I start with the
muggle mother first, My Lord?  I�m sure the mudblood would appreciate it
more if she watched her loved ones suffer before her eyes.�

Like Joker said in the Batman Beyond Movie, (and I paraphrase) "I believe that
personal tragedy defines the hero somewhat, don't you agree?"

The Dark Lord knobbed then released Liz from the Cruciatus.

knobbed --> nodded
Draco ignored the bushy haired girl.  He had the perfect spell.

bushy-haired girl (Grammar Rule #73)

Liz felt something pull on her left eye.  It was only annoying at first but
it soon became painful.  She realized what was happening any slammed her
palm over her left eye to keep it inside.  But nonetheless, the spell
continued to exert its force.  Her palm felt slick and before her mind even
registered, her left eye ball pulled out of its socket, out of her hand and
flow toward the man with the wand.  

Ugh. This is exactly why I hate dark fics. Normally, during these scenes of
intense and gratuitous gore, I'd shake my head and say, "I dunno about you, but
aren't such violent details... y'know, unnecessary? It's like you're trying to
convince the audience that the Grangers are experiencing a direly fatal
situation, but instead you're only grossing them out. I am of the opinion that
drama is more effective than shock value." After all...

Grammar Rule #25: Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth
earth-shaking ideas.

Then again, I can somehow accept the gore fest that is this fic.  I dunno, it
must be the fact that you have inserted a rather appropriate reactions on the
part pf Malfoy, Liz, and Hermione: it's not really that unbelievable for Malfoy
to go to these amoral lengths, and the fact that I particularly find the
character-building angst and drama on Hermione's part spilling over towards
Malfoy long overdue. In other words, though I can't stomach the gratuity of the
violence, I can tolerate it for the end purpose of getting a better story out
of it. The extreme gore has a purpose.

Her vision distorted but she nonetheless
saw her eye ball ripped out, optic nerve and all.  She screamed and clutched
her empty socket protectively.

Revise: Her vision distorted, she nonetheless

Also: Her vision was now distorted, but she nontheless

Hermione couldn�t stand it any longer.  She charged Malfoy intending to make

Malfoy, intending to make

him pay but she never got close.  She was put into the full body bind far

So much for Malfoy being portrayed as the wannabe Death Eater. All of a sudden,
he's become even worse than the Voldemort from the books.

from arm�s reach of the white haired Death Eater.

white-haired (Grammar Rule #73)

�Wait your turn, mudblood.�  Draco taunted.  He presented the hovering eye
ball of Mrs. Granger to the Dark Lord.  He let the spell end.  The white
soft ball fell on the carpeted floor with a soft splat.  Draco promptly
stepped on it, grounded it into paste with the end of his expensive boots.

(the theme of Kill Bill plays in the background)

Draco took aim once more.  �Sectumsempra.�

Deep gashes appeared on the thrashing woman only to cause her to howl that
much louder.  The other Death Eaters got a laugh out of that.

Suggest: thrashing women, which only caused her to howl that much louder.

�Ah, one of Snape�s old spells.  Try harder Mr. Malfoy.�

Try harder, Mr. Malfoy.

Malfoy glanced nervously around the room looking for anything that would
give him an idea.  His eyes drifted onto the dead Mr. Granger.  He grinned.

Ah. Here we go. Shades of the canon Malfoy are here, hesitating and doing his
best to please the evilness that is Voldemort.

�Mobilicorpus,� like a puppet on strings, the dead body straightened up.

Suggest: "Mobilicorpus." Like a puppet on strings,

With his wand, Draco directed Jack�s dead body toward the blood soaked Liz.

blood-soaked Liz. (Grammar Rule #73)

He made sure the woman could get a good look at her husband with her one
good one.  

good one --> good eye

Again and again he hit her.  The poor wife cried out for her husband to stop
and covered herself protectively and cried out his name.  After awhile she
was still yet Jack continue to pound on her with his bloody fist.

..After awhile she was still what?

If you meant she became still (as in not moving), suggest: After awhile, she
went still, but Jack continued to pound on her with his bloody fist.

If you meant she was still alive, suggest: After awhile, even though she was
still alive, Jack continued to pound on her with his bloody fist.

Remember, too, that this fic is in past tense, so: Jack continue --> Jack

Blood splattered and a few drops landed before Voldemort.

�That�s enough Mr. Malfoy.� The snake man said.

Revise: "That's enough, Mr. Malfoy," the snake man said.
Hermione saw the whole thing, she thought she was going to throw up at some

Suggest: thing; she thought

Or: thing. She thought

point but the full body bind held her back.  Inside she was crying and
looking at the still form of her parents she despaired.

Suggest: parents, she despaired.

�Most impressive Mr. Malfoy.  You show a fine mastery of the Mobilicorpus

Most impressive, Mr. Malfoy.

Draco smiled under his mask.  He was very proud of his work.  He didn�t
thought he had it in him, 

He didn't thought --> He didn't think

�You�re in luck Granger.  I will be most gentle.� Draco laughed.

You're in luck, Granger. 

Just then the door to the chamber slammed open.  A man in Death Eater
uniform rushed it.

Revise: uniform rushed it --> uniform rushed in

�This had better be good.� The Dark Lord warned.

Revise: "This had better be good," the Dark Lord warned.

�My Lord, the girl you had been waiting for.  She�s here.� The Death Eater
said excitedly.

Revise: waiting for; she's here," the Death Eater

Also: waiting for... She's here," the Death Eater

�As you wish My Lord,� Draco sleeved his wand then took his place among

Revise: wish, My Lord." Draco sleeved his wand

Death Eaters ranks.  �Who could be so important that could make the Dark
Lord so happy,� Draco wondered.  �Could it be��

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Also, suggest: Could it be� --> Could it be...?

Though dress like a muggle she carried herself as if she owned the place.
She was glorious.

Revise: Though dressed like a muggle, she

Her chestnut brown hair cascaded around her like silk.  Her dark chocolate
eyes� When Draco stared into them he could only see coldness, infinite

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

coldness of the eternal ice.  The boy-wizard recoiled.  

boy-wizard --> boy wizard

He felt his skin
crawl, a primitive part of Draco�s brain screamed for him to get out of the

Revise: crawl, and a primitive

�You are the magician responsible for the death of the Burkles?� when she
spoke it was as a winter storm, uncaring and all penetrating.

Revise: Burkles?" When she spoke, it was

Why I brought you here?�  The snake man welcomed the girl with arms opened
but she was not moved.  �We are connected, you and I, can�t you feel it

Revise: you and I; can't you feel it, Fred?

Also: you and I... Can't you feel it, Fred?

Can I call you Fred by the way?�  He motioned the girl to come closer
it was a most hospitable gesture but she refrained.

Revise: Can I call you Fred, by the way?

Also: come closer it was --> come closer. It was/ come closer; it was

terrifying smile.  She promptly put her fist into the nearest robed figure,
the one that had tried to make her bow a moment before.  The fist came out
the other side of the Death Eater; the young woman pulled her hand back.  It
was crimson red having been covered in fresh blood.  The Death Eater gurgled
and struggled weakly a few moments before fall back.  Dead.

Since he's a Death Eater, he can now eat himself. (rim clash)

It was full 5 seconds before all hell broke loose.  


5 --> five (Grammar Rule #fifty-six)

Spells were sent at the
strange woman but they did nothing.  

Suggest: strange woman, but

People shouted and curse and sent more

Revise: People shouted and curse --> People shouted and cursed

The woman approached the Dark Lord unhindered.  Someone jumped in
front of her, to stop her from getting to his master.  

You don't need the comma after 'her'.
�You think you can move me by killing the Burkles?� She snapped the neck of
someone that got in her way.  �It impresses me not.� she never took her eyes

Syntax error, revise: not." she --> not." She

off the Dark Lord, never stopped and never paid heed the attempts to do harm
to her.  They were a minor annoyance.

She looked annoyingly at the restrains.  

Revise: annoyingly --> furiously (because 'annoyingly' has connotations that
make it seem that the speaker is 'annoying' instead of 'annoyed')

Also: restrains --> restraints ('restrains' refers to the verb, 'restraints'
refers to the noun)

Furthermore: She looked, annoyed, at the restraints.
She simply flexed her arms and
snapped the ropes with enough strength to send the pieces to every

Revise: pieces to every direction --> pieces in every direction

She approached the Dark Lord and more Death Eaters got in her way.  Three of
the more muscular ones jumped her; hoping they could stop the thin girl with

Revise: her; --> her,

I get the feeling that you don't know how and when to use a semicolon. The one
time you actually used it, it was for the wrong situation.

physical force.  The chestnut haired girl read their moves.  With the grace

chestnut-haired (Grammar Rule #73)

beyond any martial arts master she took to the air.  Her body spun and she

martial arts master, she took (the comma adds a natural pause)

swept her leg 180 degrees.  

one-hundred eighty degrees (Grammar Rule #fifty-six)

Her feet connected with all three Death Eaters
in mid air, 

midair (dictionary-verifiable word, no need to separate the two words)

sending them crashing into the wall behind Voldemort with a
sickening thud and a thunderous crack.  The three slid boneless to the
ground, every bone in their body shattered by the impact.

...Ergo the term, 'slid boneless'. 9_9

It sounds slightly redundant to use 'boneless' and 'every bone in their body
shattered by the impact' in the same suggest. Suggest substituting the term
'boneless' with something else (like, say, pathetically or the like).

Voldemort held out his wand but hesitated while he watched the girl came

watched the girl came --> watched the girl come

ever closer by cutting a path of death through his men. A loyal servant
charged her with a wicked dagger held high.  She took hold of his wrist
while the dagger came down, never did her sight leave Voldemort.  

Suggest: Even as she took hold of his wrist while the dagger came down, never
did her sight leave Voldemort.

his feet lifted off the ground.  The dagger came out the other side sending
a spry of blood which covered the girl�s smooth face and ruined her cream

Suggest: other side, sending

color blouse.  She didn�t as much as blink.  The Death Eater keeled over
still twitching.

Suggest: keeled over, still twitching.

The Dark Lord gathered his strength.  �Crucio�

Crucio --> Crucio. (add a period after the statement)

�Was that supposed to amuse me?  It would have tickled had I allowed it.�
Her cold deadly voice struck a cord in Voldemort.  It was not unlike the

Suggest: cold and deadly (add 'and' in between 'cold' and 'deadly')

first time he was vanquished by the Potter boy when he wondered if his

Suggest: Potter boy, when he 

precautions against death would hold.  He knew mortal fear then, and he
could feel it not - as illogical as it were.

I dunno why, but the above sentence just reeks of ozone and gasoline from a
car-wreck. Suggest: and he could feel it right that instant, and it didn't seem
as illogical as the first time he felt it.

He reached into his black billowy robe.

Suggest: black, billowy robe.

She was almost within arms reach but a very brave man jumped between the
girl and Voldemort.

Suggest: She was almost within arms' reach, but then a very brave

Or: She was almost within arm's reach when a very brave

�You shall not... uraggg��

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

This is certainly strange, seeing the three-dotted ellipsis and the MS Word
smart ellipsis side by side. 

She grabbed him with iron like fingers.  They sank into his flush and took

Suggest: iron-like fingers 

Revise: flush --> flesh

hold.  She held him up high, over her head with both hands and brought him

Suggest: both hands, and brought him

down, his back against her unyielding knee.  His spinal column broke in
half.  She casually ripped what remained of the man in two then tossed the
pieces to either side.

Voldemort had finally found what he was looking for.  In an instant he
disappeared in a blinding flash of light.  But he had one last parting word.

�Another time then,�

Revise: time then, --> time then.

Suggest: time then, --> time, then.

The other Death Eaters took the cue and each made their own exit.  Amongst
them was Draco Malfoy, he was smart enough to stay out of the lady�s way.

Suggest: Malfoy; he was smart enough to stay

�Another time,� the blood soak girl repeated 

Revise: the blood-soaked girl

in a low whisper.  It was a
promise and she always keeps her promises.

Revise: It was a promise, and she always kept her promises. (Grammar Rules #21
and #55)

She surveyed what remained.  Corpses casually tossed about lay in broken
heaps.  Those that were able were gone.  Her eyes settled on Hermione who
was still frozen and stood erect during the massacre.

Revise: frozen and standing erect during the massacre.

The strange woman came upon the bushy haired girl.  

bushy-haired (Grammar Rule #73)

It was an odd moment when the strange woman turned away and walked off.  She
happened upon one of their little sticks.  The tool which allowed them to
access their pitiful magic she realized.  

Revise: magic, she realized.

She picked up the stick and returned to the frozen Hermione.  She held the
stick then rapped Hermione�s shoulder with the end of it.  At once Hermione
was released from the full body bind.  The bushy haired girl fell on her

bushy-haired (Grammar Rule #73)

knees sobbing.

knees, sobbing. 

Hermione reached for her parents while the odd woman observed her.  She paid

Suggest: She paid --> the bushy-haired girl/the younger girl/the
Gryffindor/etc. paid

the older girl no mind.  Hermione held her mother and father to her, her
mother�s blood covered the Gryffindor. 

Revise: covered the Gryffindor --> covering her.

She continued to sob.  �Mom� Dad�
I�m sorry.  This is all my fault,� Hermione screeched.  �If it wasn�t for me

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

none of this would have happened.�  For a long while she cried her heart out
shaking and heaving alternately.

Suggest: For a long while, she cried her heart out, shaking and heaving

�You are grieving, and still it tastes like offal in my mouth.� Her mind

Suggest: Her mind --> the older girl/the odd girl/the possessed
girl/"Fred's"/Illyria's mind

Yes, "Illyria's"... even though she hasn't introduced herself yet. Why? Your
paragraph reads awkwardly because of your insistence to "hide" Fred's true
identity until the very end (even though the reader has probably figured
everything out by now), with you using 'she/her' pronouns while there are two
girls in the scene. It's all very confusing.

For some inexplicable reason the older girl felt the need to comfort

Suggest: reason, the older

Hermione.  It was out of her character and she did not know why, the reason
was unimportant, she just did.    �Seize your bleating. It is disgusting,

Far too many extra spaces after 'did.' and before '"Seize your bleating.

Also: Seize --> Cease ('seize' means 'to grab', while 'cease' means 'to stop')

Grammar Rule #74 all over again.

puking your feelings into the air.  It is revolting to my senses.� She
doesn�t know exactly how to go about comforting a teenage girl though.

girl, though.

Heh. Cute scene highlighting Illyria's (lack of) human relation skills and her
struggle to make use of human relation skills. Makes her all the more...
relatable, to a degree (well, people with Asperger's can possibly relate the

�How can you say that?!� Hermione snapped at the older girl. �I just lost my
parents.� she returned to subbing.

Revise: parents." She returned to sobbing.

�I too had lost. The magician, he murdered my�� it took the older girl a

Formatting errors from (presumably) MS Word's autocorrect feature. Please
replace Word's version of ellipsis '�' with the plaintext, three-dotted
ellipsis '...'

Also: I too had lost. The magician --> I too had lost... The magician,

Her trailing off (care of a second ellipsis) at that point accomplishes two
things. No. 1: It shows her hesitation; No. 2: It makes the statement not look
like an awkward fragment.

moment to decide what exactly to call them.  �*parents* as well.�

Revise: call them, "*parents*

�Then why are you so calm about this?� Hermione said between sobs.

Revise: Hermione said --> Hermione asked

�I have learned that there is much grief in this world already, far too
much. It is better to remember the good times than to dwell on a past which
we cannot change. 

Strange words coming from a character in a darkfic. Still good, nonetheless.

Hermione did not respond.  After a few more minutes of watching the girl
cry, the strange woman lost interest.

�Pathetic,� She turned to leave.

Revise: "Pathetic." She turned to leave.

How in character of Illyria. Kudos, fic.

Hermione pulled herself back enough to notice the other girl was leaving.
�Wait, take me with you.� She shouted at the last moment.  

you," she shouted at the last moment.

�Think carefully,� the older girl cautioned.  �To travel down this path you

Revise: path, you

must leave everything you are behind.  

Suggest: everything, including yourself, behind.

All your childish hopes and dreams
die with your parents in this room.  Are you ready to walk with me?�

Wow. Impact-filled words. Again, congratulations on these later parts. Before
this point, the fic was reading a bit too mediocre for me. But after reading
those few choice words of Fredillyria, I must say that my interest has again
been piqued.

Hermione never really thought over what her request had entailed.  Not until
this point.  But she knew now that not Dumbledore, not the Ministry not
anyone else

Revise: Ministry, not anyone

could triumph over Voldemort.  That�s because she�s going to
kill him herself.  She�s going to kill Voldemort and Draco Malfoy and anyone
that got in her way.

You're shifting tenses again. You're breaking Grammar Rule #55 once more.

That's --> That was

she's --> she was

She's --> She was

�My name is Hermione Granger and I am sure.  Teach me how to kill.�

I�igo Montoya: (pouts)

Hmmm. This is indeed a, what do you call it? Ah, yes. Turning point. The fic is
right, Hermione's little stunt does entail quite a lot. Is it an asset or
liability for this fic? That I do not know.

Something died in Hermione Granger that night.  But in that place decimated
by pain and sorrow something new had taken root.  A seed, a spark of rage
and of wraith unbound, it was small at first.

If you meant "a spark of rage and of _ghost_ unbound", then keep 'wraith'.

Otherwise: wraith --> wrath

The two girls disappeared into the night, the citadel of their enemy a firry


firry --> fiery

Unless the blaze had a lot of fir in it, I do believe you meant 'fiery'.

blaze behind them.

And so the story of the girl begins where the fires of her death had

begins --> began (Grammar Rule #55)

consumed all that she was.  It could have been another teenage drama and it
could have ended there.  

But noooo, it just had to be yet another fanfic concerning a forced, drastic,
and potentially OOC change of a major character's personality. Not that
_that's_ necessarily a bad thing, as many a fanwanker, erm, fan would

But the show was just beginning and all the actors
had just entered the stage.

...Nevertheless, I liked the cap-off. It _is_ still keeping in tone with the
disgustingly amateur "Hey, let's break the fourth wall and speak directly to
the audience so that we could blow their suspension of disbelief sky high!"
type of prose, but it's only partly like that, so I could forgive its
discretion and applaud its aptness this time around.


If you want more Reviews are a must. BTW. This takes place in the summer
between the 4th and 5th book.

Suggest: If you want more, reviews are a must. BTW, this takes place in the
summer between the fourth and fifth book.

...Well, how about a review _and_ a critique? But first things first. Here's a
summary of the grammar rules that you've broken for your perusal:

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spell-check, then spell-check your spell-check. If this fic was merely
sent to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into
your personal spellchecker. Get prereaders/proofreaders if you haven't. I think
the main problem with this fic is that you sent this off without so much as a
reread as if it's a first or second draft; even though that may not be the
case, that was the impression I got from reading the fic.)

Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

Grammar Rule #24: Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. (Speaking of
proofreading, do just that. Proofread, I mean. It takes care of those
avoidable, brain-fart mistakes like 'plan --> plain', 'new --> knew', 'grim -->
grime', 'flush --> flesh', 'wraith --> wrath', 'firry --> fiery', and 'had
notice --> had noticed' more than a mere spell-check ever can ('coz a
spell-check can easily pass through these mistakes). Though you probably
already know this, it needs to be said: read your dialogue out loud. This is
the best indication you'll ever have of if it sounds right, makes sense, and
flows properly. If it feels weird to say it, chances are that it'll feel very
weird to read it. Also, let it percolate. If you have time, let it sit for a
few weeks, then read it over. Without what you think you wrote in fresh in your
mind, you'll have a much better chance of catching strange misspellings,
redundancy, utter lack of commas, and other problems. If you've just written
the story, it's very difficult to edit it yourself because you know exactly
what it should say; so you read what you think you wrote, rather than what you
actually wrote.)

Grammar Rule #55: When you write sentences, shifting verb tense is bad.

Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional authors opt
for spelling numbers out instead of writing their numerical forms. The obvious
exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact
numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen
eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule
of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.

Grammar Rule 72: In 'Title Case', Always Capitalize The First And Last Word In
A Title. Capitalize All The Other Words Except For A, An, The, And Conjunctions
And Prepositions Of Four Letters Or Fewer.  

Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid homonym-type spilling mistakes
because their usually horde to fined using a spill-checker.

Now that we've got that out of the way, here are some helpful punctuation
lessons for your perusal:

Grammar Lesson No. 1: When a speaker identifies who is spoken to, the
identification must be separated from anything else by a comma.

These commas may seem like a little thing, but they are vitally important,
because leaving them out can completely change the meaning of your sentence.

"I volunteer, Potter!" is something Draco is unlikely to say when asked by
Harry to volunteer for a dangerous mission.

"I volunteer Potter!" is something Draco is very likely to say when asked by
Snape who to volunteer for detention.

"I want to eat, Hermione!" is not unusual for Ron to say. "I want to eat
Hermione!" is part of the reason why has gotten rid of all adult
material in its databases; it's just plain wrong.

Grammar Lesson No. 2: When there's a speech indicator (said, asked, replied,
pondered, elaborated) indicating that the dialogue (anything the character says
inside the quotation marks) is being said by the 'speaker' (hence 'speech
indicator'), and you're ending the speaker's dialogue with a period instead of
an exclamation point or a question mark, please replace the period with a
comma. If there's no speech indicator in the following statement after the
dialogue, then the following sentence is a separate sentence that has nothing
to do with the dialogue.

i.e. "I'll say something," Hermione said. "Now see me say lots of things, but
this time my name 'Hermione' will be in pronoun form to show that my dialogue
and 'she added' are not two separate sentences but one continuous sentence,"
she added. "Oops, I think I made a run-on sentence!" She giggled.

Grammar Lesson No. 3: Sometimes for emphasis adjectives or paired adjectives
follow the noun they modify. The adjective or adjective pair is then set off by

Correct: The car, bright red, stood out in the parking lot. 

The adjective pair, if coordinate adjectives, must use the word and to separate
the two adjectives. 

Correct: The dessert, sweet and rich, was delightful. 

Grammar Rule No. 4: Words intentionally left out of clauses may be shown by a
comma. A comma is used when the missing words are clearly understood. 

Incorrect: Tom liked the color green; Ron red. 

Correct: Tom liked the color green; Ron, red. 
(Now missing words are understood.) 

Grammar Rule No. 5: Semicolons are used to separate independent clauses in
three different cases. 

a. When there are no conjunctions separating the clauses. 

Incorrect: I like you, Harry likes you, too. 
(Semicolon needed) 

Correct: I like you; Harry likes you, too. 

b. When the clauses are separated by a conjunctive adverb or other
parenthetical expression set off by commas. 

Correct: I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless, I live.--Galatians 2:20. 
(Nevertheless is a conjunctive adverb.) 

Correct: Hector was a Trojan; Achilles, on the other hand, was an Achaean. 

c. When the clauses themselves contain commas. 

Incorrect: Ron wears shoes with kilties, a leather fringe, but I prefer penny
loafers myself. (Since clause already has comma, semicolon separating the
clauses is needed to make sentence clear.) 

Correct: Ron wears shoes with kilties, a leather fringe; but I prefer penny
loafers myself. 

As for the story itself: Damn. I dunno what to say overall, since the fic is
such a mishmash of both good and bad that I can't make an accurate review by
merely generalizing my take on everything I've read. So let's just dissect
every last plot point in the story to be clearer, shall we? Well, first off,
the introductory parts of the fic were needlessly juvenile such that it's
become extraneous, gratuitous, and has somewhat detracted to the overall
quality of the fic by simply being there. My suggestion? Revise it thoroughly
so that it doesn't seem so fourth-wall breaking or
suspension-of-disbelief-trying. Either that or get rid of the intro altogether
since your main audience already knows quite a lot about the Harry Potter
universe. Hell, the intro doesn't ever cater that much to newer HP fans, since,
well, it's puerile. Like Nugar said once upon a time in his reply to my C&C of
the last chapter of his "Aurora of Rainbow Fire" series (what a mouthful!), the
intro does indeed "sound like the kind of story a sixteen-year-old kid
convinced he was being funny would produce."

As for the actual story _after_ the "humorous", tongue-in-cheek intro, well, it
seemed as if it was written by a different person altogether. That's a good
thing, considering that I didn't even like the 'sentient' narrative of the
intro's prose. Or is it really a good thing? Let's check. After the intro, we
had a flashback (which, btw, you shouldn't tag with a '~ ~ ~ ~ ~FLASHBACK ~ ~ ~
~ ~' thingy, coz you should, as much as possible, 'show, not tell'... besides,
Rowling herself avoids such unnecessary tags herself, and it'd do you good to
follow such an example) which showed Hermione's parents as, well, not as good
or normal as their counterparts in canon. I particularly liked this part. Why?
Aside from the shock value of Hermione's parents being vaguely intertwined with
evil, they still do care for each other and Hermione. Wrap your mind around
that, reader! Sure, it screams OOC, and they even offered getting Potter for
Voldemort in exchange for their lives, but they were doing all this not just
for their sakes, but for Hermione's as well. I don't blame for being flawed and
somewhat traitorous when the time calls for it since they still have their
loyalty to family and to each other above everything else. Indeed, balanced
characters that are capable of doing either good or bad make for far better
reading. In fact, the drama behind Liz and Jack's characterization was the very
thing that kept me from altogether categorizing the excessive gore in the
middle of the fic as, well, mere shock-value violence. The intense scenes were
made poignant because of the proper, and more interesting character development
of Hermione's parents.

Now, as for Illyria's entrance and her 'squash match' against the Death Eaters
and Voldemort, as well as Hermione's reaction to everything... Hmmm. I'm sort
of torn between liking it and hating it. I've seen too many "Main character
becomes a badass avenger/Byronic Hero because of personal tragedy, while
constantly battling for his damned soul" done in fanfics, published, cinematic
and/or broadcasted stories that it's kind of getting cliche. If you know what I
mean. I guess this is kind of necessary in keeping with ATS's "badass grrrl
power" theme that started way back during BTVS's run and continued thereafter.
It also goes with the "heroes with personal tragedy" theme that's also
prevalent in ATS's run and reminiscent of, say, the poster boy of the Byronic
Hero, Batman. It's certainly more apt for heroes to react to an uber-villain
such as You-Know-Who in that vengeful, seething way, as opposed to Harry
Potter's reactive actions of merely trying to survive and long-running good
luck during the first three books. Still, I gotta warn you to not tread the ol'
road of cliche and keep yourself from making Hermione altogether, well, OOC. I
mean, sure, her new 'best friend' is Illyria so she's sure to develop some
bad(ass) habits care of her, but to make your story read fresh and to cater to
the HP fans, you might as well make Hermione's eventual transformation to Witch
Avenger as half-half. Half-badass and Half-Hermione, the mundane, studious, and
law-abiding girl from the original books... or at least that was how she was
during the first three books, since she's been getting an 'girl power' shtick
as of the later parts. Anyways, it's all about Yin and Yang. In so saying, make
her capable of doing either good or bad while keeping in mind of her canon
characterization, so that you'll be successful in making her a
three-dimensional character, just like her parents. Since she already has a
strong sense of justice in her, you can probably use the "Lawful Neutral"
archetype found in the aforesaid Batman in characterizing her: that way, she
can develop her character in a way that follows natural progression and
believability. It's also of note that the Zeigarnik Effect is in full swing
regarding Illyria's past with Voldemort. Can't wait to read about that. 

Kudos to you for making a fic which you and a certain number of HP/ATS fans
would fully enjoy. As such, I wish you luck on your future ficcing endeavors
and I do hope you keep on entertaining your ficcy fans with the "standup
comedian" slants of your fic. Who cares if I didn't like parts of your fic?
Just because I hated about half of it doesn't mean it's the worst fic in all of
fandom. I'm sure you'll find your niche, if ever. Especially in Harry Potter
fandom; there are a lot of people who have different tastes and wants in regard
to the young wizard, as seen with the 'controversial' and 'divisive' reaction
fandom had one the infamous Half-Blood Prince arc. And if not (which is kind of
difficult to do, since HP fans all have various tastes that I'm fairly sure
that you're sure find a niche), well, there's always room for improvement.
Besides, there were quite a lot of parts in your fic that were genuinely
enjoyable and thought-provoking; as far as I'm concerned, you're going in the
right direction in regards to fic writing.

In any case, ignore my hydrochloric acid-laced comments and keep only the
grammar and/or positive comments if you'd like. Or ignore this C&C altogether.
I'm only "keeping it real" and telling you straight out what I found wrong in
the fic. If you want to keep your fic as is, good. Let's agree to disagree. I'm
_not_ The Grand Authority on Fanfics, nor do I want to be (Just how nerdy can
you get with a job description as 'The Grand Authority on Fanfics'?). If you
found any of my comments helpful in some level, even better. The best advice I
could give you that you needn't take with a grain of salt is to keep on
writing... It's the best solution to sentient narrative prose that talks
directly to the readers in the beginning or middle of a story, balancing out
shock value and genuine drama, and developing characters in such a way that's
believable and convincing. In short, keep on writing. That's my buck fifty.
Abdiel out.

Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,

"It is by no means possible for me to write down this science precisely as I
understand it in my heart." (Musashi Miyamoto)

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