Subject: [FFML] Re: [KP] The Dark Ocean (2/?)
From: Angus MacSpon
Date: 11/8/2006, 12:21 AM
To: Rann Aridorn
CC: ffml Bystanders <ffml@anifics.com>

On 8/11/2006, at 15:51 , Rann Aridorn wrote:

Title: The Dark Ocean (2/?)
Author: Rann Aridorn
Notes: Well, finally. The last fourth or so of this fic took the  
longest
to write, just because of difficulties I was having feeling out my  
muse,
and getting my life to stabilize enough to where I felt like writing.
But now this part is finally done. I hope it will answer some  
questions
about why people did certain things and seemed OOC, but will probably
raise just as many. XD Oh well.

Woo-hoo!  I hoped you'd continue this one.  Part 1 was not only an  
excellent story; it also started me reading KP fanfic in a serious  
way -- so I owe you a double debt of gratitude.  :)

Couple of minor points I noticed:

The faintly stiff feel of a hospital gown, far too
familiar with those through her life.

A little obscurely phrased.  Suggest: "...of a hospital gown; she was  
far too..."

	"No. That's final." Anne shook her head, smiling a bit wanly at her
husband. "I need to be here to take care of Kim and everyone else. But
for the boys' sakes, you have to stay home and try to continue on as
normally as possible."
	"They keep bugging me to let them be supervillains too," Jim  
muttered,
glancing off to the side.

Heh.  This I find all too credible.  :)

	"Yes. I think whatever's happening to you is... well, for lack of a
better word, reaching a plateau. I think you're close to finishing  
your
changes." Anne said in the most faintly upbeat tone.

changes," Anne

	"We haven't given up all hope of that. Kim's trying to track down
DNAmy, or anyone else with a similar genetics breakdown." Anne rested
her hand on the bed, looking evenly at Shego. "But for now, I think  
it's
best if you turn yourself to living with this, rather than waiting  
for a
cure."

I think "breakdown" should probably be "background"?

	"You don't think that's how I feel?" Shego murmured sourly,  
turning his
head away.

her head.

	"Kim, the equipment isn't even set up for that! It's pure  
surveillance
stuff, no broadcasting power whatsoever! There, done. Press the green
button if you want to talk."

Heh.

	"Our agents detected Mr. Away's taps shortly after he put them in
place. I was rather expecting you to try something like this, so  
that we
could have a little talk."

I was going to object to "Mr. Away" -- he's usually known as "Wade  
Load" -- but Wikipedia says this is unofficial.  I guess either makes  
an okay pun.

	"..." Shego frowned some. "So had to come butting in again. Hego  
to the
rescue."

Could probably use a comma after "So".  Either that, or make it "So  
you".

	The redhead slowly looked to the side, directly at one of the doors.
She realized that there must be someone inside talking to her.  
Curiosity
overcoming better sense, Kim edged over to the door and pushed her
goggles up to look through the 1'x1', several inch thick glass with
small holes drilled in it that formed the door's sole window.

I'm pretty sure nobody's going to be able to see anything meaningful  
through glass that's several inches thick.  It'll be too dim, and too  
distorted.

	Kim stayed distracted through the process of hotwiring one of the
facility's escape pods. No doubt about it, they'll eventually  
notice the
launch even with the various systems disabled, but by that time Ron  
and
Mego should have recovered her in the hovercraft, and they'll have
nothing but an empty pod to find. And her scheduled chat with Dr.
Director is in just over three hours. They might suspect it was her  
that
broke in, but they won't have time to confirm, unless Punk decides  
to talk.

The switching into present tense here reads oddly.  It'd be okay if  
you were directly quoting Kim's thoughts, but as it is I think it  
would really be better off in the past tense.

	"So, uh, KP... Shego's up and about!" Ron noted, trying to sound
cheerfully.

cheerful.

	"Huh?" The blonde boy blinks a few times.

blinked

	Kim was wearing her standard cargo pants and black belly-top, though
the pants were black. Over that was one of Drakken's blue coats, left
open in front, the sleeves cut off, the shoulders flared dramatically.
Standing behind her, to one side, was Shego, her hands clasped behind
her back, her brothers arranged behind her. To the other side was Ron,
trying to look at ease in a modified minion uniform to give him a
somewhat more dashing air.

He just can't escape that 'minion' thing.  :)

	"I'm being what you decided to label me as, 'Betsy'," Kim replied
coolly, leaning forward until her face filled the camera again. "A
supervillain."
	Then, Kim cut the communication.

-End Part Two

I repeat: woo-hoo!

Do I need to mention how much I'm looking forward to more of this?

Cheers,
Angus

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angus MacSpon                                  Email: macspon@ihug.co.nz
ICQ: 65719513                          http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/





             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'