Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic][Ranma][X-over] Rolling up a fic (FIXED FORMAT)
From: Abdiel
Date: 11/6/2006, 10:22 PM
CC: Jorge Pratt Blanno <>

"Rolling up a fic (FIXED FORMAT)"? Now _there's_ a unique title for a fic!

Suggest: Rolling up a fic (FIXED FORMAT) --> His & Her Katamari Pandashii

Now that we've established just how obsessive-compulsive I am when C&Cing

Spiffy-New Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

And, without further adieu, my next victim is... a master of the novella-type
fanfiction. I was almost shocked to learn that this latest offering of yours
isn't ten times as long! ^_^

On 7/3/06, Jorge Pratt Blanno <> wrote:

*****                                     *****

               His & Her
           Katamari Pandashii

*****                                     *****

@_@ Oh great. This is Katamari Damacy, the prime example of Japanese
eccentricity, multiplied many times by even more craziness care of it being
contained within a Ranma fanfic.

Then again, seeing that Ranma 1/2 has its share of wackiness (Picolet and his
head-swallowing kisses, anyone?), this crossover isn't necessarily out of
place. And the previous sentence is a prime example of an understatement.

morning, Dad." The man did not reply, though, his figure

Suggest: not reply though, (the comma after 'reply', to me, is extraneous)

seemingly hewn from stone. Bewildered, she stared at him for an
instant before heading for the table, where Nabiki gave her a
half-hearted wave.

halfhearted (dictionary-verifiable word, no need for the hyphen)

   Standing on Genma's shoulder was a little green man.

The Great Gazoo?

to discern from its limbs, which was just as well: it wore deep
purple tights below its waist, 


   As anxious as she felt about the man standing beside her
in the dining room, as much as every nerve in her body wanted
her to scream out and start beating some answers out of everyone
involved, she restrained herself. 

Easy there, fic. No need to exaggerate Akane's flaws.

Akane: 'Exaggerate'? What're you talking about? I really _want_ to beat some
answers out of everyone involved! That, of course, includes Ranma!

   "Oh dear," Soun sighed. "Our Son is still too short and
unripe to properly grow a Royal spine. It must fall upon Us to
defend him from these not-fans of Ours."

Suggest: not-fans --> non-fans

   "It was a spur of the moment choice," the man said,
noncommittally. "We do have to admit, your father presented us

Suggest: said noncommittally (comma muyo)

"My, my, how disgraceful,"
Nodoka said with a hint of disapproval in her voice. "What kind
of husband would hide from his wife like that?"
   The panda sitting beside her wisely declined to comment.


   It was a... gigantic would be too modest a word. Colossal
and gargantuan also failed to do it justice. But what other
quality would apply to the tube-headed woman who currently
loomed over Tokyo, looking down on the Tendo Dojo like a man
would look upon a flea?

How about... Brobdingnagian? (a coinage from Swift's Gulliver's Travels)

   When they entered the dining room, they saw only Genma
sitting very still at the table. The Prince was no longer eating
Soun's rice; rather, he had pulled the white and sticky lump
onto the table and wadded it up into a perfect ball, which he
was busily rolling all over the table. 


cleared her throat. "Ah, yes," he said, quickly drawing himself
up to his full stature  and composing himself. "Our lovely

Extra space in between 'stature' and 'and composing himself'.

   The King shrugged disdainfully. "We are bored with these
questions, Our Royal skin is made all dry and goosebumpy with so

Ah, but of course the King of the Cosmos can get away with a solecism such as
'goosebumpy'... for he is the King of the Cosmos!

Soun (clucking his tongue): No, no... It's King Of The Cosmos!

   Plus, the young man threatened with hand to hand combat.

Suggest: hand-to-hand

estate values for too many of Our fans. Unlucky for Us, because
it knocked Us cold. We had speed, We had haste... We had
unstoppable momentum. We had forgotten Our shin pads. Now Earth
is full of many things, King-bits included. The King of All
Cosmos is not above curry nor karma, 

Though I'm essentially correcting the King of the--erhm, the King Of The
Cosmos, might I suggest: is neither above curry nor karma/is not above curry or

Soun: I FORBID IT! From now on, there can only be one version of that
delectable sentence: not above curry nor karma. Any other version will be
punishable by death care of bonsai.

   Akane's left eye twitched. None of this could be true,
could it? There was no cosmic royalty in her house, nobody could
really break stars or Moons, right? 

Son Goku: W-ell...

(Jean Grey, Superman, Muten Roshi, Piccolo, Vegeta, Yaiba, Oni Takeshi, and
various other super-powered beings raised their hands) 

   That was, the Queen said, a very simple question, and she
asked the King to demonstrate. Obligingly, the King waited for
   Akane to release him before extending an open palm. A shining

Formatting error: Extra tab space before 'Akane' when 'Akane' is obviously not
the start of a new paragraph.

   It was mostly spherical, colored bright green and the size

Suggest: bright-green (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)

   Without another word, he began to lead Akane away, towards
the dojo. 

Tsk. Akane, kidnapped again.

Akane: I was not kidnapped! I... volunteered to do a task. (gulps)

   "H-hey, Akane! Wait a damn minute!" he yelled. "You can't
just... Hey, I'm talking to you! You..." He reared up, and let out
a shout that would shake windows all over the house, "YOU STUPID

Heh. Of course that'll happen. Despite the depraved incoherency of Katamari
Damacy, at the very least the story followed natural progression on how Ranma
and the others will react to the decisively weird situation, especially the
man-among-men Ranma. Admittedly, though, I am dreading what sort of
ridiculousness Ranma will get into once his eventual 'Katamari-Ken' is
developed. ^_^;

--His & Her
--Katamari Pandashii
--End Intro and Part 01

Dear Lord God in Heaven, there's MORE of this craziness? So much for my hope
that this fic's a one shot. :P
Jorge A. Pratt

This was very weird in so many levels. Also, this was very short compared to
your, er, megabyte masterpieces of old, Mr. Pratt. Yet another understatement,
but I feel that they all need to be said. This crossover is easily the weirdest
among the various chapters/spamfics/oneshot fics I've C&Ced so far. Though
'Thyself Known' comes a close second, followed by a tie between Kyle Emmerson's
Bas-Lag/Ranma crossover and the Dr. Thinker oneshot Corrector Yui fic I read
once upon a time. W-ell, I haven't got anything left to say, since I'm as dazed
and confused as the rest of the Tendos and Saotomes over the whole thing. ^_^;
It has a lot of potential for weirdness, and I don't mind looking it up in the
future. If there's a series that can be crossed over with the zaniness that is
Katamari Damacy, then that's Azumanga Daio--er, Ranma 1/2. Yeah. ;)

Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,

"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."

"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results." 

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