Done.
12,900 lines...
75,431 words...
458,561 characters...
ONE F-ING CHAPTER.
You get to find the typos.
I'm off to finish the outline for a novel I have to start writing... TOMORROW!
I know, it's hard being me.
My co-author is working on episode 10, by the way.
----------
[Later that evening. John is coming to, rubbing an annoying bump on his
head. Before he forms coherent words, Andy offers him a light sabre and
a neurolizer. Jared hands him his glasses and Mini-MAGI.]
Jared: Welcome back, dude.
[John takes a moment to look around the apartment and note he's lying on
a new couch. To his right is the 110" television, the 25,000-watt
military-grade stereo system wrapped in British-made Cobham C-6 armor,
and the floor-to-ceiling THX certified speakers that have already moved
tectonic plates. A modest coffee table filled with video gaming
equipment is dwarfed by the massive TV. Down the wall from the TV
towards the balcony door is a reproduction "Alien" skull mounted on the
wall, then framed pictures of a wrecked train, several smoldering
craters, and Asuka in a revealing two-piece. In the corner stands a
tasteful floor lamp. Then there's the new sliding glass doors to the
repaired balcony, framed by armored metal shutters. Next comes another
tasteful floor lamp, the man-eating plant (in cage), and a Bruce Lee
mosaic portrait poster made of combat photos showing Evas battling
Angels. The next corner holds another tasteful floor lamp. The back wall
is a built-in bookshelf featuring several generic university decorations
(probably stolen), including a globe, several diplomas, and three oddly
familiar bronze busts. We can only just make out one of them as being
the legendary Shiegeru Miyamoto. The other two slip by too fast to
recognize, though one is surely the John Woo bust from the intro
sequence.]
[Then John looks at the ceiling, which is a living plaster portrait of
writhing bodies, some alien, some human, that actually move, warring and
loving one another, claw and teeth on skin, faces playing out a farce of
a grimace and wild, painful contortions, outstretched hands reaching for
your soul and threatening to drown your mind in madness. In other words,
perfectly at home in Eva.]
John: (calm) What happened?
Andy: (clearly rehearsed) The... Twelfth Angel's shadow bumped you on
the head real good.
Jared: (holding a script in his hands and hesitantly reading from it)
You were out of it for a few days, mumbling this and that. The bump is
still there but fading slowly.
John: (fully coming to) The Twelfth!
Andy: Relax dude, we defeated it.
John: How?
[Andy looks at Jared.]
----------
[Flashback Mode.]
Jared: (silly pose, pointing at his double) No, you da man!
Jared: (likewise) No, _you_ da man!
[End Flashback Mode. Take several dozen cold showers and a fifth of
Tequilla. Call a psychiatrist.]
----------
John: (scared sane) STOP! STOOOP!
Andy: (glaring suspiciously at The Jared) You'll be happy to learn that
the world is still intact.
John: (flippantly) For the moment.
Jared: (dramatic swoon) You wound me!
John: (smiling) Good.
Andy: Before I continue my quest to crush this insect (points at Jared)
like... like a... insect--
Jared: Bug.
Andy: Shut up. I must inform you that the Jet Alone 2 activation trials
are due to start in two days.
John: That means I'll need to plan something, naturally... (assumes
Thinker pose) I wonder if I can "borrow" an N2 device...
Jared: (he's done this a million times before) I'll put on the A-Team
theme song.
Andy: (more of the usual) I'll get the Dew.
[And lo, do the Three Goons burn the midnight oil.]
----------
[The next day, Thursday, is a workday, and the Goons are in their
office, hardly working. John is slowly working his way through the usual
mountain of paperwork, mumbling things like "_how_ much money did we
spend on..." and "_what_ did we use this for? Oh yeah, that." quite a
bit. Jared's been on the phone all day, and from the look on his face,
99% of that time has been spent on hold. Andy is comparing schematics of
Gatling guns and calling engineers every five minutes to scream at them
in Spanish.]
Jared: Hello? Hello? Yes, this is Jared--what? Yes I did...Yes I did...
Yes I _did_. And? ... And? ... Yes? ... When? (face falls) Damn it! ...
Okay, bye.
John: (looking up) What's that about?
Jared: (shrugs) Who knows?
John: ... Right.
Andy: (hangs up from another successful bout of screaming insults in
Spanish and looks at his Mini-MAGI) Shit! I'm going to be late!
Jared: Late for what?
Andy: (leaving) Feh! You should be preparing for your doom, Waddell, not
questioning me!
[Jared shrugs.]
John: What _is_ he late for?
[Jared shrugs again with emphasis, then makes for the door as well.]
Jared: I'd better get going to. Promised I'd hang out with Rei for a
bit.
John: (smirking) Yeah, you do that.
----------
[As Andy leaves NERV, it begins to rain. Walking almost aimlessly down
street after street, he ignores the increasingly severe downpour. After
a while, the sane inhabitants of Tokyo-3 take refuge inside as the sky
draws closed with dark clouds. After a few dozen blocks of wandering,
one can hear a faint "waaark..." calling to Andy. Following the siren
song, he comes to a wide (and now partially flooded) street that is home
to a most unusual sight. Hundreds upon hundreds of small penguins line
the sidewalk, silently watching Andy walk down the middle of the street.
A lone penguin stands in the middle of the road facing the approaching
Goon.]
Pen Pen: Waaark.
Andy: (in greeting) Pen-Pen.
[Lightning flashes across the sky.]
Pen Pen: (fatalistic) Wark.
Andy: (takes up stance) It ends tonight.
[Goon and sea bird charge at one another through the driving rain, fists
raised. As they cross, Pen Pen darts under Andy and flips him ass over
teakettle. Mid-air, Andy spins 180 degrees and lands a kick on Pen Pen
that sends the bird slamming into his compatriots at highway speeds.
Andy, meanwhile, lands upright on his feet with a full Saiyajin smirk.]
Andy: What's the matter?
[Pen Pen stumbles away from his friends, rain-slick feathers ruffled,
looking like knifes sticking out of a pool of tar.]
Pen Pen: Waa--
Andy: Gettin' old?
[Pen Pen's eyes flash. Andy meets the inevitable charge by blocking,
then a red aura flares around him and he counters, cutting through Pen
Pen's barrage with a blindingly fast double-punch that sends the penguin
reeling. While Andy gloats, Pen Pen leans forward and socks him in the
stomach.]
Andy: Gurk!
Pen Pen: WARK!
[Andy snap-kicks the sea bird in the family jewels. For a moment, both
are frozen in their bizarre poses of agony, glaring at one another.
Then, as if by unspoken agreement, the mutual beating resumes. Unblocked
punch after unblocked punch, the two slowly render each other into piles
of bruises. Finally, when even most of Pen Pen's cohorts have left, the
penguin falls unconscious. Andy, still standing, sways in place for a
moment, watching the diminutive body splash down in an inch of standing
water.]
Andy: (exhausted) Boom... whee...
[Andy bows to the bird, then throws it a fish. Pen Pen nabs the fish
with its beak, and stares at the strange human. Andy turns and calmly
walks away. Pen Pen's army breaks up, waddling back to where they came
from.]
----------
[Quite a distance away from Andy's Big Move Spoof of the Day, Jared is
walking next to Rei.]
Jared: So, how are things going?
Rei: fine.
Jared: ...
Rei: ...
Jared: ...
Rei: i still do not know you.
[Jared looks very melancholy.]
Jared: I... don't think I can help you.
Rei: ...
Jared: < ^_^ > I'm bored.
Rei: ...
Jared: < ^_^ > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: (fitting action to words) Poke...poke...
Rei: ...
Jared: Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.
Rei: ...
Jared: Poke poke poke poke poke poke poke poke!
Rei: ...
Jared: (power pose) WADDELL SCHOOL ULTIMATE ANNOYANCE ATTACK! (begins
the Poke of Doom) POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE-
POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPO--
[Ayanami's eyebrow twitches. Once.]
[Her hand comes towards Jared's face, open and with the fingers held
straight as fence boards. The mach cone formed around it creates a small
sonic boom on the ground before it slams into Jared's cheek hard enough
to crack a tectonic plate. The Goon bounces down the road, ricocheting
off of building after building like a super-ball, until he crashes into
a garbage truck about three hundred or so yards down the street.]
[The creators of "Love Hina" spin in their graves.]
[A white number floats into the air above Jared's head, reading "9999."]
[The corners of Rei's mouth just barely twitch upwards.]
Rei: goooooooooaaaaaaaaal.
----------
[Public Service Announcement 4: Ceremonial Duties.]
[Author-Andy is hogging the camera, his face covering the entire
screen. His skin is rent with worry lines and sweat drips from his
brow profusely.]
Author-Andy: I'll make this short and sweet. There are some ways that
old story ideas should NOT be resurrected.
[We pull back to see Author-Andy dressed in something like a hardsuit
from Bubblegum Crisis, only much more macho. He runs towards a large
Aztec pyramid, atop which Author-Jared stands, wearing white robes and
chanting to the heavens in an unnatural voice. Dark clouds bloom
overhead and a sacrifice is laid out before him. Lightning flashes
across the sky.]
----------
[Back at the range, some hours later. Jared walks through the door, his
clothing torn, his face a map of cuts and bruises.]
John: (looking up from the notes spread all over the kitchen table)
There you are! I haven't ta--
Jared: (clawing at the heavens) NOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Andy walks through the door in a similar state as Jared, adjusts an
imaginary tie, and...]
Andy: (panicked tone) WE'RE DOOMED!
Jared: (continuing) OH GOD!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (following right along) NOOOOOOO!
Jared: (overly dramatic) OOOH WHAT A WORLD!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (almost sobbing) YOU BASTARDS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!!
Jared: (more drama) HOW COULD YOU?!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (peaking) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jared: (clawing at the sky again) WHY GOD... WHY?!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (beating on the floor in grief) OH THE HUMANITY!!!
Jared: (tearing at his clothes) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (wounded animal) WHYYYYYYYYY!!!
Jared: (Homeric) ALL IS LOOOOOOOOOST!!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (winding down) NOOOOOO!
Jared: (winding down) DOOOOOOMED!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (winding down) You foooools!
Jared: (winding down) Doomed I say, doooooomed!
John: < -_- > ...
[Andy and Jared finally come to a stop, adjust and fret over the remains
of their clothes as if they're wearing "Armani" instead of "shop rags."
After a moment of this, they go silent, looking patiently at John. The
silence drags out.]
John: (finally) Are you guys done?
[Andy and Jared quickly face away from John, heads touching in a quick
huddle. Whispers fly back and forth as hands describe complicated
motions in the air. Veins on John's forehead become prominent and throb
mightily. At length, the other two Goons seem to come to a consensus and
face John again. Another long silence follows. When John looks ready to
beat their answer out of them, Jared opens his mouth.]
Jared: (clawing at the heavens) NOOOOOOOOO!!!
John: < o_o > ...
Andy: (panicked tone) WE'RE DOOMED!
Jared: (continuing) OH GOD!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (following right along) NOOOOOOO!
Jared: (overly dramatic) OOOH WHAT A WORLD!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (almost sobbing) YOU BASTARDS! YOU BLEW IT ALL UP!!!
Jared: (more drama) HOW COULD YOU?!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (peaking) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Jared: (clawing at the sky again) WHY GOD... WHY?!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (beating on the floor in grief) OH THE HUMANITY!!!
Jared: (tearing at his clothes) NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (wounded animal) WHYYYYYYYYY!!!
Jared: (Homeric) ALL IS LOOOOOOOOOST!!!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (winding down) NOOOOOO!
Jared: (winding down) DOOOOOOMED!
John: < -_- > ...
Andy: (winding down) You foooools!
Jared: (winding down) Doomed I say, doooooomed!
John: < -_- > ...
Jared: < ^_^ > ...
Andy: < ^_^ > ...
John: < -_- > ...
Jared: < ^_^ > Okay, we're done.
John: Okay. As I was saying, I haven't talked with Ritsuko yet, but
Andy's briefing told me pretty much everything I need to know. The Jet
Alone MkII test is tomorrow. I'm convinced this is our biggest threat.
Jared: Why?
John: Gut feeling.
Jared: Oh.
John: Mostly I'm bothered because NERV's in debt, and something needs to
be done about it or the Japanese government is going to put a freeze on
our operational orders and shut us down.
Jared: So?
John: With another walking nuclear reactor wandering around? I don't
think so.
Andy: No problem! Whip out Unit-06 and turn that pile of scrap metal
into smoldering slag!
John: Unit-06X, once it is repaired, will be placed under lock down.
Andy: But... but I wanna BOOM!
Jared: (scooting away from the salivating Mucha) We could always...
sabotage the Jet Alone test.
John: < o_0 > ...
Jared: I mean... don't they already suspect us of sabotage? What's to
loose?
John: But that--they wouldn't--you... (rubbing his head) Look, this Mark
II mess didn't even happen in the anime, and now we have the 13th Angel
to worry about. We don't even know what form it will take!
Andy: Oh, that's easy. The Eva that's being delivered to NERV will be
infected.
Jared: (proudly) Way ahead of you, dude.
John: Goon Sense... tingling. (eyes narrow) What did you do?
Jared: < -_- > I had James hack into various systems and re-route the
parts for the new Eva. They won't even be able to assemble it for
another six months!
John: ...
Andy: ...
Jared: (arrogantly) Stunned by my brilliance? (regards his extremely
clean fingernails) In awe of this master stroke of planning?
Andy: ...
John: ... You just... _totally_ fucked up the plot of Eva.
Jared: (snidely) Right. And Misato knew kickboxing before we showed up.
Andy: (begins munching on popcorn, watching the argument as one would a
tennis match) ...
John: She must have! The movies, dude!
Jared: What's done is done, dude!
John: (you-reckless-idiot!) But, dude!
Jared: (I'm-only-trying-to-help!) Dude!
John: (but-you-always-screw-up!) Dude!
Jared: (no-one-is-going-to-die!) Dude!
John: (someone-may-already-have-died!) Dude!
Jared: (then-I'll-apologize-and-put-things-right-again!) Dude!
John: ... (shrugs) Well, I supposed what's done is done.
Andy: Quit being right! I hate it when you make talky-talky and I can
understand you!
Jared: Same here, dude.
John: So... we aren't getting the new Eva for at least a couple of months.
Jared: That just leaves fighting a berserk Jet Alone?
John: Well, it's kind of type-cast.
Andy: ... That's it? Why can't we battle something more terrifying?
(power pose) I need a challenge!
Jared: (raised eyebrow) Is that a challenge?
Andy: ... I may have mentioned a challenge.
Jared: A challenge, eh?
Andy: A challenge could be involved.
Jared: A challenge would be... excellent.
Andy: Yes... excellent...
[Andy grins like a toddler in a room full of red buttons. Jared grins
like Happosai in the Playboy mansion. John's face is more that of a
scientist who just realized the entire human race is doomed to imminent
extinction without even the slimmest possibility of survival.]
John: (partially in shock) No... (stronger) NO! You... you two walking
disaster areas are going to be _ready_ to take down the Jet Alone! You
are _NOT_ to get yourselves into an unauthorized grudge match while I'm
out of town! DO YOU HEAR ME?!!
[Andy and Jared continue to grin until John whips out a pistol and fires
it into the air. Dust settles on the table.]
Andy & Jared: We'll behave!
John: Promise?
Andy: Of course, we'll never listen to a word you say again, Amen.
Jared: Amen. (beat) Wait a minute!
John: RRRRRrrrrrRRRRRrrrr...
Jared: I'm... uh, going to Kensuke's house.
[He zooms through the front door.]
Andy: I'll continue training, I must be ready to defeat Ja--the Jet
Alone.
John: (Forces the cordless into his hand) I need to prepare NERV.
[While Andy does a few mid-air kata in the living room, John tries his
hand at this "dialing" thing.]
John: Hello? Hello?! ... No, I am not looking for Cutts the Butcher! I'm
trying to reach NERV! ... NERV! ... N-E-R-... What? ... No, I did not
dial 555--oh screw it. (hangs up; dials again) Hello? What? ... What?
... No, "Lum" isn't here. Who is this? ... Hello? Hello? (looks at the
receiver) Oh well, third time's a charm. (dials; taps his fingers on the
table waiting for the doctor to pick up) Hello, Ritsuko? Hey, I...what?
... Stop that! Quit speaking Chinese damn it, this is serious! ... Ew!
That's gross! ... No, don't--hang...up...
[John glares at the phone.]
John: Bastards! We! Are! Doomed!
[In a huff, he hurls the phone out of the nearest window. From below one
hears a phone shattering, followed immediately by a female shriek.]
Asuka: (from far below) SHINJI!
Andy: (hovering in the air, paused mid-strike) < 0_0 > ...
John: < 0_0; > Not a _word_.
----------
[Friday comes. We see John sitting at his desk in NERV, wearing a look
that says he'd rather be sitting anywhere else right now.]
Ritsuko: (over phone, apparently finishing a long tirade) ... so that's
the final schedule.
John: That's great Rit-chan, but I have one request.
Ritsuko: Not that I'm listening, but what is it?
John: Swap Rei for Asuka. She'll keep quiet and prove less of a
distraction for Shinji.
Ritsuko: Look, if something _does_ go wrong, we'll have the other pilots
here ready to scramble anyway.
John: I am _fully_ aware of that, Rit-chan. Just bring Rei with us.
Ritsuko: Fine. I guess there's no point in arguing about it.
John: Right. I'll be there on time, I promise.
Ritsuko: Yeah, right. Bye.
John: Bye.
[John hangs up the phone, then messes with the controls on his
Mini-MAGI.]
James: (over watch communications channel) Vee don't need no steenking
communications protocols!
John: Can it. You need to play ball or we're all going to die.
James: Nice. You use that on your dates too?
John: James! Behave!
James: (deadpan) Yes dad.
John: You're thinking of Jared. This is John.
James: Right. Who can I do for ya?
John: (opens his mouth for a split-second, then closes it) ... < -_- >
... I need you to monitor everything and coordinate communications among
NERV personnel during the Jet Alone MkII test this afternoon.
James: Does this mean you're going to bust me out of purgatory and
vaporize another Angel?
John: Sadly, no. I don't think we can afford another rail gun firing.
James: (almost taunting) "Can't afford" as in money or "can't afford" as
in human lives?
John: (frowning) Just keep your digital ears open. I'll be manning
Unit-05.
James: Wouldn't Rei do better in that? You could take 03.
John: ... Rei actually asked me if she could sit in Jared's Eva.
Normally, I'd say no... but she said please and used Puppy Dog Eyes.
James: Egad! The horror! The horror!
John: I know.
James: And she wants to sit in that pit of perversion?
John: Yes, in the very heart of Evil's Throne with the dramatic swell of
orchestral music and all that.
James: I'll skip the why.
John: (frowns) That's my line. Oh yeah, you need to find a way to keep
NERV working, financially.
James: Stop blowing up the city.
John: I am coming to loathe the sense of humor Jared gave you.
James: Well, I'm off to learn about government funding. Have fun getting
stepped on by a walking nuclear reactor!
John: < -_- > Gee, thanks.
----------
[It's early afternoon, and we find John, Rei, Shinji, Misato, and
Ritsuko assembled in a parking lot adjacent to the train station out of
the anime. You know, the one that Shinji stands on and lets the train
leave and Misato's waiting there and... well, you've seen the anime,
right? RIGHT?!!]
Misato: Anyway, it will take us (looks at her van) about fifty minutes
to get there. We'll have fifteen minutes to get seated, and there will
be a 45-minute lecture. Assuming the demonstration works, the Japanese
government will be ordering six of these ridiculous contraptions
immediately. We are not here to prevent this from happening.
John: (musing out loud) Yet they won't put additional funding into
NERV...
Misato: Not surprising, considering the amount of collateral damage you
and your two cohorts have managed to inflict on the city in the last few
days. Look, we're not permitted to operate here. We set the Evas at some
nearby elevators anyway, on the far side of a large suburban area, just
in case that stupid robot wants to start something.
John: Then I guess it's time for a... (instantly wearing sunglasses,
Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt) ROAD TRIP!!!
[A tumbleweed rolls by during the ensuing silence.]
John: (getting into Misato's van) Killjoys.
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[One hour later.]
[We open on a large round table occupied by John (still in vacation
gear), Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and Misato. There's no fancy dinner this
time, and the lecture is short and sweet. The new man at the lectern is
short, severe, speaks only in formal Japanese, and wears glasses thick
enough to protect his eyes from an N^2 detonation. Once the formalities
are over, the audience is invited to watch the nearby proceedings on a
(thankfully un-sabotaged) projector screen.]
John: (quietly to the NERV table) I've got that bad feeling again.
Ritsuko: I feel it in the Force. There is something... coming for us.
Coming here.
[For some reason, John starts talking into his watch.]
John: James. Where are Jared and Andy?
----------
[The public transportation system of Tokyo-3 is a modern-day miracle.
Nearly as grand in scope, and working much smoother than NERV HQ, it is
an invisible part of the city's life support system, as essential to
everyday life as water and food. The primary people movers are the large
red monorail cars that run through the city at various levels. Those set
twenty or more feet above the surface are reserved for the high-speed
trains that travel at more than 120 kph as they shuttle people and
products to and fro. Fitted with large windows and sliding doors, the
trains provide an excellent view of the buildings they pass, like a
plane flying between giant columns of stone and steel.]
[What's interesting about one of these high-speed units, at least
interesting to us, is its passengers. Two of them. Not that either of
them wants to be here, mostly because there's things to be blown up,
women to be ogled and ravaged, and...]
Jared: Dude!
Andy: Quiet! Your stupidity could be contagious.
Jared: (apparently oblivious) Thanks! I think it's a great idea. (whips
out a deck of cards) You cut.
Andy: (failing to resist the lure of The Game) But... we'll be at the
exchange for the North Valley Station in a few minutes...
Jared: (waves the deck under Andy's nose with a knowing smirk) Time
enough for _one_ game...
Andy: Nnngh...
Jared: What's the matter? Afraid you'll lose?
Andy: (eyes widen) Jared?
Jared: At your service.
Andy: I challenge you.
Jared: (tips his head to the side) Not an option right now.
Andy: Hunh?
[Instead of answering the Maniac, Jared gets to his feet. Then several
flash grenades fly into the train car via the windows and doors. The
Goons catch the charges and chuck them back through the windows before
they explode.]
Andy: ... Will you take a rain check?
Jared: Naturally.
----------
[In the adjacent car, full of JSSDF ultra-secret special shock troops,
the leader begins to sweat profusely. Silently, he motions to his men to
prepare for the end. Oaths are sworn. Crosses are kissed. Deities are
prayed to. Rubber chickens are sacrificed over rubber cauldrons emitting
CO2.]
[What? Like I can't let the bad guys be low-budget once in a while?]
----------
[Meanwhile, at the Jet Alone conference table.]
James: John, Jared and Andy appear to be surrounded by more than a
hundred JSSDF officers. And a small army is converging on their
location.
John: Got some more bad news to pour on me?
James: Andy just Challenged Jared.
John: (very pale) Talk him out of it.
James: But I'm almost into the Jet Alone's control program. Can't it
wait?
John: Do both. Now.
James: Slave driver...
----------
[Meanwhile, in the train car with "Collateral" and "Damage," a dozen
black-clad soldiers burst into the compartment. They uniformly wear
heavy face masks, black battle dress uniforms, and body armor, and carry
automatic weapons. Techno music starts pumping out from... somewhere.
Jared and Andy yawn and get to their feet while the other passengers try
to become permanently bonded to various parts of the car's ceiling,
railings, seats, etc., all wide eyes and fear-filled stares.]
Jared: (to the soldiers) Couldn't you read the sign? "No soliciting."
Man #1: Hands up!
[The two shuffle to the center of the train car, hands held barely
higher than their shoulders, despite more commands from the men with
guns. The other passengers are quickly evacuated from the car by still
more black-clad soldiers.]
Andy: < ^_^ > I think you should handle this.
Jared: < ^_^ > Oh no, I think you should handle this.
Andy: < ^_^ > No, they're all yours.
Jared: < ^_^ > Please, finish them off.
[The soldiers sweat more.]
Andy: < ^_^ > You said they were pushovers.
Jared: < ^_^ > I said nothing of the sort.
Andy: Bah. Take care of this rubbish, Waddell! NINJA VANISH!!!
[Andy jumps out of the train through one of the large windows, plowing
teeth-first into the side of a building. Jared looks through the broken
window at the receding skyscraper with a cloud of dust and debris
billowing out of its side.]
Jared: ... Okay.
Man #1: Hands up!
[Jared looks at the man like a rattlesnake contemplating its dinner. The
others keep their distance while three soldiers come at Jared from
behind. The sad thing is, they think they have a chance of winning. The
first holds a stun baton that buzzes ominously, the second holds a
Taser, and the third wields a staff.]
[Jared turns around, steps over the bo staff attack, slaps aside the
baton with contemptuous ease, and watches the Taser prongs miss him by
several inches. He punches out Baton Guy, them smoothly jump-kicks Taser
Guy before stopping the bo staff in place with one hand while he uses
the other to throw Taser Guy out of a nearby window.
Jared: Environmental hazard. (evil smirk) Bonus points.
[He ducks inside Staff Guy's guard as the soldier pulls his weapon back,
and charges into him, sending the smaller man flying. Three soldiers
instantly dog-pile on the Goon, who spares none as he screams a Bruce
Lee scream and starts reducing sperm counts with rock-crushing force.]
Jared: (as if this is actually a special move) American Kicks Army
Privates!
[As the soldiers of the dog-pile keel over, the remaining seventeen
JSSDF troops cycle the actions on their weapons simultaneously.]
Jared: < o_o; > Heh.
----------
[Overhead rail, stop 3-Red-7.]
[From within the bullet-riddled, slowly-approaching train comes the
sound of gunfire, desperate screams and shouts, more gunfire, and a
battle cry more at home in a kung fu movie starring Bruce Lee than an
everyday train designed to move people from and to their places of
employment. The noises cease ten seconds before the train comes to a
stop at the platform. If not for its appearance, the train's stop would
be perfectly normal. All is quiet for a second, then the train is
suddenly surrounded by black-clad JSSDF soldiers holding heavy automatic
weapons, and the doors are forced open with a massive crowbar held by
two of the soldiers. Tear-gas grenades and thrown into the car, which
begins venting thick white clouds the gas from every orifice. The gas
offers a dramatically obscured exit to a disheveled, black-clad,
blood-soaked figure.]
Jared: (atrocious John McClane imitation) Another train, another bunch
of trained killers... how can the same shit happen to the same guy
twice?
[Several of the soldiers charge at once. Before they take a single step,
Jared has drawn dual Uzis. By the second step, he's rapidly mowing them
down. He drops the empty guns once the platform is clear, and walks
forward to spy the next group of soldiers hiding on the stairs.]
Jared: (conversational tone; arms folded over his chest casually) Hey.
[The JSSDF soldiers open fire, and their bullets bounce off of Jared's
ki shield. The Goon sighs.]
----------
[A hundred yards away, at ground level. Cue "Duel of the Fates" by John
Williams, performed by the NERV Philharmonic Orchestra. Andy watches
impassively as a large number of JSSDF troops assault Jared. The pervert
isn't just kicking ass, he's having it ground, pressed, dyed, dried,
frozen, vacuum packed, and mounted on a little plaque for him to set on
his desk.]
[Presently, the Goon makes his way to the ground. That is to say, the
platform he was trying to get off of collapses, covering everything in
dust, but Jared plays it up, walking out of the cloud in dramatic slow
motion and dropping the last few troops with another pair of Uzis.
Twenty meters from Andy, he discards the guns, levitates a few inches
off of the ground, and floats imperiously towards his opponent.]
[The second choral section kicks in as Jared comes within five meters of
Andy, his face tilted down to obscure his eyes in shadow. He stops a
scant eight feet from the large Goon and drops soundlessly to the
ground, facing his nemesis.]
Jared: (fatalistic) Are you ready?
Andy: (smirking) Bring it on.
----------
[Back at the conference center, the NERV entourage swims in a river of
tension as they see the Jet Alone MkII walk around the test area. This
beast is a whole new Jet Alone. Thick arms and massive shoulders frame
an armored head, set atop a stout barrel neck. The arms have more
prominent elbow joints to match their sturdier design. The legs are also
thicker, their enhanced bulk no problem for its apparently larger
reactor. Slowly but surely, it's proving its mettle.]
John: (into Mini-MAGI) James?
James: (via Mini-MAGI) Its control system is locked off. Completely. I
mean, it's a physically separate system. However, I did get a copy of
the system software.
John: (into Mini-MAGI) How does it look?
James: (via Mini-MAGI) Legit, but incomplete. They left out the really
dangerous stuff for the demonstration.
John: (sighs heavily; into Mini-MAGI) Logical. Okay, what's on the early
warning system?
James: (via Mini-MAGI) Clear as the summer sky in Siberia. Say, would it
be odd for this Jet Alone to be controlled by another MAGI system?
John: (to the table at large) Would it be strange for the--
Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we are now bringing the Jet Alone into
Parking Mode.
[Every eye is on the screen, where the Jet Alone unit is stepping
towards the empty area it started from. At the last second, it turns
ninety degrees, bringing one armored foot down squarely in the parking
lot, directly on top of--]
Shinji: Isn't that--
Ritsuko: (sigh of defeat) Parking Mode. Oh, the irony.
Misato: < 0_0 > ... my... van...
[No one breathes. An Angel attack they could deal with. But this...]
Misato: < 0_0 > ... MY VAN!
[The gray and red mecha, lifts its foot off of the Minivan from Hell.
Incredibly, the beast (meaning the van, not the robot) is unscathed
despite being pounded into a minivan-shaped hole at the bottom of a
foot-shaped crater. Still, Ritsuko Forces Misato's sidearm into her hand
and quickly pockets it in her tasteful jacket, just in case.]
Misato: YOU BASTARDS!!! (reaches for the gun that's thankfully not there
anymore) THAT'S MY FUCKING [VAN]!!!
Rei: it's not stopping.
[Eyes swivel from the seething Major to the screen that shows the Jet
Alone 2 making for Tokyo-3 at full speed.]
John: It's heading for the elevators! You two, come with me!
[Ignoring even the possibility of protest, John grabs Rei and Shinji in
a big one-armed hug and uses his other hand to touch two fingers to his
forehead. Then he and the pilots are gone.]
Ritsuko: (strange hand gesture) Your car will be okay.
Misato: MY CAR IS RUINED!!!
Ritsuko: (worried; another gesture) Your car will be fixed.
Misato: (looking right at the doctor) You're damn right it'll be
fixed... (points at the Jet Alone staff at the far end of the conference
hall) with the bones of those fools!!!
----------
[In a cramped underground maintenance station, three figures appear. Rei
and Shinji look dazed. John has a "I'm a Space Marine" air about him.]
John: Shinji, get in, use the manual close and wait for James to launch
you. All three of us will come out at the same time and start with
ranged weapons.
[Shinji looks confused, but nods firmly, climbing the access ladder to
the open plug of Unit-01.]
----------
[In the Narusegawa mountain pass, three Eva elevators rise to the
surface and open their gargantuan doors, disgorging their cargo. The
Three Evas, the reflective Unit-03 with Rei at the helm, the purple
Unit-01, and the newly-restored urban camouflage of Unit-05 visible
between the conifers. Up the long mountain road, a figure of bright red
and white stalks towards the Evangelions as if it intends to march right
through them.]
John: (thinking) The foreboding feeling hasn't gone away... (out loud;
to the other Evas) FIRE!
Misato: (over comm.) STOP!
[Unit-03 gets off a single shot at the Jet Alone, which misses by mere
feet. Unit-01 lets off a few rounds in surprise, all of which go into
the air. John stays his trigger finger.]
John: Excuse me?
Misato: Nuclear reactor, remember?
John: ("well DUH" tone) Yes. And bullets don't make them blow up.
Misato: Hit too many coolant lines and it will.
John: We could dismember it, but that's fantastically dangerous. Wait,
do you want us to beat it up because it trashed your ride?
Misato: No... (amazed voice) actually that beast is just fine. They'll
have to pull it out the asphalt with a crane though. Anyway, this valley
will concentrate the blast right into the city. If you can lead it east
the blast won't cause as much damage.
John: (smirks) Got it. James, get Andy and Jared out here. Shinji, flank
to my right, Rei, stay back and to the left. Let's rock and roll, kids!
----------
{James tries to convince them to stop via the speakers set out
throughout town. Throughout the fight scene, both keep telling him to
just give them another minute. Like they're really going to stop and go
help John ANY SECOND NOW. Coincidentally, they choose to go on until
one of them gets knocked out, which happens at the same instant John
swallows the Angel.}
[In the deserted street back in Tokyo-3, Jared and Andy are still facing
each other.]
Jared: (smirking) Okay, you get to start the trash-talking.
Andy: (ecstatic) Very well, villain! You shall now see my true form!
Jared: "Now" as in right now, or "now" as in DBZ Time?
Andy: Just to make you feel a little better, about-to-be-demolished
weakling, we'll do this in DBZ Time! GET YOUR SLEEPING BAGS, KIDDIES,
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN FOR ONE LUDICROUSLY LONG POWER-UP!!!
[Andy assumes the stance. A little timer appears on the ground next to
him, reading "117h, 38m" complete with a caption that reads "Ludicrously
Long Power-up Countdown Clock(tm)."]
[The ludicrously long power up begins with Andy impaling his stomach on
Jared's hardened fist. Er...I guess we're not in for one ludicrously
long power up. Andy bounces repeatedly off of Jared's elbows, knees,
heels, and fists several more times, before finishing his "power up" by
less than gracefully whacking an entire skyscraper into his face.]
Andy: That... almost hurt.
Jared: Fool. The battle is not joined when one is finished flapping
their lips. (lecherous grin) But talking during the act can be fun!
[Andy roars, bursting from the ground in a blur and attacking Jared with
a flurry of blows before pulling back and flashing a signature red
aura.]
Jared: (thinking) He learns fast... I'm so proud!
[Jared dribbles his chin on Andy's knee for a moment.]
Jared: (thinking) But is he truly worthy? Is it finally time to begin
teaching my style? Does he truly... want to learn?
[After Jared gets a good bird's-eye view of Tokyo-3 and follows it up
with a taste-test of the road surface, he clambers to his feet and
glares at Andy.]
Jared: (thinking) Well, time to loosen up... then it begins. (out loud)
That's it. You asked for it!
Andy: Asked for what? More of that weak shit you call fighting?
Jared: (evil smirk) rrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRR.....
Andy: (taunting) Oooh... look at the little pervert! He's real angry!
Oh! I better run and hide!
Jared: RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
Andy: (still taunting) Look at this cute widdle aura! (smile starts to
falter) He looks so... so... oh shit.
[The Jared thing rises slowly from the ground, his irises glowing red.
An enormous red aura blows about him like a storm, whipping his already
frazzled hair into a frenzy. Andy reaches deep down inside himself and
finds the courage to run in the opposite direction while screaming like
a little girl. After two city blocks of this, however, the thing that
may or may not be Jared Instant Transmissions in front of him and he
bounces off its chest like a ping-pong ball.]
Super Eichijin-Jared: (snarling) You shall not escape... MY WRATH!!!
Andy: (from the ground; indignant) That's my line!
[SEJ-Jared's Storm of Perversion reaches its crescendo (sorry, couldn't
resist), then seems to explode, bathing the entire area in a wave of
passion. Worried, Andy promptly transforms into his Super Chibijin form,
his aura of cute protecting him from the strange wind of perversion
(yeah, another horrible pun; and don't think I'm done either!) blows out
from its source.]
[Quite suddenly, the perversion is gone, evaporating as if it never was.
SCJ-Andy stands alone in the street, staring intently into the cloud of
dust where SEJ-Jared--or whatever he has become--should be.]
SCJ-Andy: Hel... Hello?
[A dramatic wind abruptly blows the dust away. "Jared" stands in the
ruined street, a patient, serene expression on his face. He is now
inexplicably dressed not unlike the Psycho Sensei, but with a purple top
instead of gray. A nodachi rests at his side, and not a hair upon his
head is out of place.]
Jared?: Good afternoon. You must be the diminished form of my comrade-
cum-adversary, Andrew G--
SCJ-Andy: Don't say it!
Jared?: < 0_0 > Oro? Say what? Andrew G--
SCJ-Andy: RRRAAARRGH!
[SCJ-Andy rushes the figure for a leg sweep, which the "new" Jared deals
with by simply raising the targeted leg for a second. The smaller
fighter then hurls a barrage of punches through the air, beating the
stuff out of the atmosphere. "Jared" is spared from harm by holding the
chibi being at bay with one hand on top of the tiny fighter's head.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely indignant) Take your punishment like a man!
Jared?: When it is my place to do so, I shall. I am a man of my word--
SCJ-Andy: Yeah, a man perverted beyond belief!
[SCJ-Andy Tokyo Shuffles up to head height and flings a roundhouse kick
at "Jared's" head, which he dodges by leaning back slightly.]
Jared?: Ah yes, small one. Surely you speak of the mask placed upon this
mind to protect the future from ruin.
SCJ-Andy: What are you smoking?!
["Jared" sniffs the air with the smallest of formal frowns.]
Jared?: (confused) Oro? I smell nothing aflame.
[Andy shows off an evil yet cute smirk, then rushes "Jared" again, this
time from point-blank-range. The sword at the thing's side is no flimsy
prop. The handle rams itself into Andy's chibified face at approximately
mach 2.0.]
[WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! CRUNCH! The "Jared" thing uneasily eyes
several SCJ-Andy-shaped holes in a neat row of identical apartment
buildings.]
Jared?: < 0_0; > Oro... (bows his head in shame) Lord of this domicile,
I must apologize for my inexcusably dangerous behavior. Though no one
inhabits them now--
["Jared" suddenly blocks a dangerous punch from the now normal Andy with
his sword, a look of casual annoyance on his face. A full-sized Andy
hangs in the air for a second before pulling back and landing on the
street a good twenty meters away.]
Jared?: (mild annoyance) Do you mind?
Andy: (actually thoughtful) Interesting. A sword and a sense of honor.
What have you done now Waddell?!
Jared?: Oro? (thinks about this for a second) I took my power to the
maximum level I was able to achieve in my other form. This... current
manifestation, including my mode of dress, seems to be an...
unanticipated side effect.
Andy: So... you're an honorable fighter... Giri-jin?
Super Girijin-Jared: If you insist.
Andy: (shrugs) ENERGY DAN!
[You know what happens here.]
SGJ-Jared: HITEN-WADDELL SCHOOL BLADE STORM ATTACK!
[In a blur of metal, Jared deflects the entire flurry of ki blasts into
the surrounding buildings. Andy rests his jaw on the street.]
Andy: Uaaaaaggghhh... so cool... (indignant) That's cheating!
SGJ-Jared: Oro? You are the one who asked for this fight, Mucha.
Andy: (smirks) Ha! Demon Finger's Cutting Lance!
[Andy sweeps his arm to the side as if drawing back a curtain. A beam of
ki lances out from his extended index finger, cutting apart a nearby
apartment building like a hot knife through warm butter.]
SGJ-Jared: Dragon Climbs to Heaven Slash!
[Drawing his sword, SGJ-Jared neatly slices falling building in two. One
half passes him on the left, the other half passes him on the right.]
[Massive crashing noise. Instant dust cloud.]
Andy: (arms folded over his chest) HAHAHAHAHAHAA! He must be dead! No
one could survive that much dust!
SGJ-Jared: (from within the haze) Oro?
Andy: (palm to forehead) Great. He's an even BIGGER idiot now!
[Powering up, Andy is suddenly less than a meter tall.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely distressed) I've really gotta figure out how to keep
this from happening in a fight. I need... (Dramatic Pause) to power
SIDEWAYS!
[He quickly pulls himself out of the chibi form, only to see a figure
appearing from the dust cloud, followed by a dramatic breeze. The NERV
Orchestra starts some theme from an old samurai flick, the sound piped
to the combatants via conveniently placed speakers.]
SGJ-Jared: Are you prepared to finish this farce?
Andy: I wish to be done with both you _and_ this farce, Waddell! Change
back right this instant so I can beat you up and feel good about it!
SGJ-Jared: Oro?
Andy: QUIT SAYING THAT! And what's with the sword, anyway?! I thought
you weren't going to use weapons in this fight!
SGJ-Jared: (unsheathes the sword) My honored opponent, this is a
reverse-bladed sword. I cannot cut or kill you with it, except by
dramatically altering its use. Besides, I have cast aside the shackles
of a murderer and vowed I will never kill again. This sword is proof of
that pact.
Andy: (slightly worried) When... did you kill anyone?
[SGJ-Jared's eyes narrow at the goon as he re-sheathes his sword, but a
faraway look find itself on his face.]
SGJ-Jared: That... happened some years ago. I made a mistake then; one I
will not make again. (glares at Andy) That is all _you_ need to know.
Andy: (brings up his guard) All right, then. Allow me to put an end to
your suffering.
SGJ-Jared: (drawing sword) So it shall be, Mucha, but know it is _you_
who will know your end!
[The two begin circling one another. What's left of the NERV Philharmonic
Orchestra begins playing the original Star Trek fight music.]
Andy: (charging) Die!
SGJ-Jared: (likewise) After you!
[The dramatic music builds to a climax as the two leap into the air to
meet one another, missing by several feet. Andy lands with a confused
and disappointed look on his face, which changes to rage as a long gash
appears in his shirt.]
Andy: You... ASSHOLE! That was my favorite shirt!
[Still facing away from Andy, Jared returns to normal.]
Jared: (nasty voice) What are you gonna do about it, huh?
Andy: (red aura) Kaioken! DIE!!!
[Andy appears next to Jared in time to catch a fist on the chin.
Ignoring the attack even as his head snaps back, Andy swings at Jared,
but finds his attacking hand caught by Jared's free one.]
Jared: (glaring at Andy over his shoulder) Weak.
[Jared flips Andy sideways. The larger Goon twists the throw into a
half-spin that he can land from, but Jared nails him with a ki blast at
point-blank range.]
[Andy lands a few yards away, smoking nicely.]
Andy: Bastard... (gets to his feet in kung-fu stance) Huwaaa...
Jared: (Badly Dubbed English) Defeat...me you cannot.
Andy: (BDE) You earn no defeat...I will kill you now.
Jared: (BDE; takes up stance) Fish burger!
Andy: (BDE; charging) Elizabeth!
[The two exchange an incredibly long string of convoluted kung-fu
maneuvers, counters, dodges, and special attacks. Neither one seems to
gain the upper hand after a minute or so, and they break away, facing
each other at a dozen paces. The stare-down commences.]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
[A hand twitches. Feet leave the ground. Aura flare. Fists clash.]
Jared & Andy: (sim.) Jan! Ken! Pon!
Andy: (notes his rock to Jared's scissors) Winna!
Jared: Crap!
[Andy socks Jared in the face. The younger Goon sails through the glass
doors of a hotel lobby. Instead of pursuit, however, Andy opts to
power...up?]
Andy: (assumes weird stance; grunts and strains) Hrrnnng...
Jared: (from the lobby) Time's up!
[Jared dashes out of the store. For a moment, Andy looks to be in
trouble, holding his "stance." At the last possible second, he breaks
out of it to deflect Jared's straight punch with his own corkscrew
punch, blocking a ridge-hand strike with his other hand. Jared leans
aside the corkscrew punch, then ducks and spins, hitting Andy's shin
with reverse kick. Andy, biting back tears, drops a double-handed hammer
fist onto Jared's shoulder as he tries to roll away from his sneaky
kick. Both stumble away a few steps, Jared rubbing his shoulder and Andy
limping slightly.]
Andy: (imperiously) Fool, have you learned nothing of my power?
Jared: (derisive) Power is useless without control, precision, and
timing.
Andy: Feh. (derisive) What do you know?
Jared: You wanna know?
[Jared executes a dozen flawless back hand-springs, coming to rest near
a pile of bodies--the soldiers from earlier. In a flash, he's holding
twin MP5's.]
Andy: < 0_0 > Oh shi--
[And with a face showing only grim determination, the shorter Goon
begins firing at Andy. The taller Goon puts up a ki shield to deflect
the bullets, but knowing this is a stalemate anyway, waits until Jared
pauses to fire a return ki blast. Jared dodges, then begins running up
the remains of the rail platform, firing back. Andy ducks behind a pile
of rubble.]
[Jared tries to erase the rubble with his bullets.]
Jared: You may run, but you can't hide!
[Following Jared's... suggestion, Andy pulls out from the cover and
fires a string of ki blasts at Jared to distract him while running down
the road. Jared returns fire likewise from the monorail--which Andy's ki
blasts rapidly destroy right behind him.]
[After a dozen blocks of this, Andy literally trips over the body of
JSSDF soldier. Three more swarm him from out of nowhere, while Jared
callously picks off the rest with his guns before they run dry. Andy
finishes off his attackers, then stands in mute shock staring at the
massive armored truck he almost ran into.]
[Jared drops from the monorail as easily as a child hopping off a swing
and begins walking towards Andy--not charging, not running, not even
preparing to attack, just walking.]
Andy: There must be... (swipes a pair of handguns from the soldiers)
Yes!
[Andy spins around to see Jared having the same idea. Four pistols rise
in perfect coordination and ammo is loosed. The two dodge, spin, dive
and weave about the wreckage, around the truck and other vehicles,
pillars, doors, etc. in perfect harmony. In full John Woo style, they
quickly find themselves entering a church and dodging behind pews while
their bullets shatter beautiful stained glass windows and gouge stone
walls.]
Andy: (pauses to reload behind a pew) Nice church.
Jared: (also pauses to reload behind a pew) Beautiful. How come it's
here in Tokyo-3?
Andy: I'm guessing Christans built it.
Jared: Andy, let your words know that they still have to make sense
after they leave your head.
Andy: (finds he only has enough ammo for one pistol) If you insist.
Jared: (also has ammo for only one pistol) I insist.
[And both stand, guns drawn...]
----------
[At the field of battle, John is shouting orders almost on instinct,
with no room for confusion or doubt.]
John: Tear off its arms and legs, but stay out of its reach!
[Unit-01 and 03 sprint towards the robot, the pounding of giant armored
feet like rolling thunder. Shinji goes high with a powerful but well-
guarded flying kick that misses completely. Rei fakes a punch then ducks
in with a running elbow. The Jet Alone whips out an arm and clotheslines
the passing Eva smoothly. Shinji leaps into the air again, launching
himself at the robot.]
[From its prone position, Unit-03 grabs one of the Jet Alone's arms,
leaving Shinji an opening.]
[The bio-mecha hits mecha like a plane crash, the force of the impact
causing trees three kilometers away to sway and shudder. A shock wave
ripples through the ground with super-sonic speed. Armored plates buckle
and shatter, but the Jet Alone, unfeeling and unforgiving, shrugs off
Shinji. Rei rolls away as John comes within range, dropping into an
unusual fighting stance that would look familiar if I had written that
part in Chronicles of War.]
Rei: why is there lightning on the horizon, genoni-oniisan?
John: Either a storm is coming in or Author-Jared is plugging other
stories again.
Rei: plugging?
John: < o_o; > Never mind. You okay?
Rei: i am undamaged.
John: Thank God.
[John closes the gap with the mad, mechanized, nuclear monstrosity,
interrupting its lazy walk with a kick to the shin. He's immediately
forced back a dozen paces by a flurry of punches that are barely
blocked. John ducks under the final strike, catching the passing limb,
and executes an Aikido throw, hurling the robot into the ground on its
back and snapping the wrist in his grasp. The robot then stops to stare
at Unit-05.]
John: < -_- > Crap. It doesn't feel pain.
[But John does, for after the Jet Alone's next punch flattens the face
of Unit-05, John groans in a most displeased way.]
John: Misato!
Misato: (over comm.) Yes Genoni?
John: What I am being paid to take this abuse?
Misato: (over comm.) I'll call the accounting department and get back to
you. Fight on, soldier!
John: (mumbling to himself as he pulls Unit-05 to its feet) Fight!
Fight! Fight! Win! Win! Win! Rah! Rah! Rah!
[Through the view screen within Unit-05, John watches Unit-01 deliver a
string of kicks which are blocked, then falls to a potent dragon sweep.]
John: I just wanna kill this thing... (into comm.) Rei! Shinji! Regroup
for a coordinated attack!
[The two Evas respond to John's summons. The Goon notes that once
they're out of hand-to-hand range, the Jet Alone unit ignores them and
resumes plodding towards Tokyo-3.]
John: (thinking) It's headed for the city! (out loud) GO GETTER!!!
[Shinji sends a startled look John's way, but all three Evangelions rise
to the call of duty, charging the robot like vengeful demons. John pulls
back at the last seconds to dodge the Jet Alone's counter. Rei and
Shinji dodge around opposite sides of the robot, just out of striking
range. The robot picks Rei, and as soon as it makes for her, the boys
close the gap, dodging the defensive strikes sent their way. Both hammer
the Jet Alone's back mercilessly. It quickly sidesteps their attack,
pulls away from Rei, and slams a kick into Unit-01 as a parting shot.
Shinji stops the stumbling Eva, then roars like a wild animal, dropping
into a low Capoeira stance.]
[John adopts a Pa'gua stance and Rei pulls up behind them, Unit-03's
armored fists held up like a boxer. Shinji opens with a string of
powerful windmill kicks that roll to the right, kicking debris into the
Jet Alone's face. John moves to the left, Unit-05's palms blurring
through the air to deflect and distract. This time the attack is so
tight and coordinated that the Jet Alone is simply overwhelmed and
knocked back a hundred yards by a string of attacks from Rei.]
James: (over comm.) John, the other Evas are cold-starting now. ETA is
twenty-one seconds.
John: Great. Dumb and dumber?
James: (over comm.) Your "friends" are shooting up a good portion of
downtown right now. Not many speakers in that area, but I should be able
to make contact soon.
John: Bastards! I'm _missing_ it! Oh yeah, tell them to get into their
Evas and get out here!
James: (over comm.) Roger that.
John: (attacking again) Any good news?
James: (over comm.) No. I got into the plans and everything to look for
a weakness, and this thing and I need to warn you that it has divided
arm joints and four progressive knives.
[John pauses to look at the robot.]
Shinji: (on the other side, gamely) Your move.
[Through the view screen, the Jet Alone halts as if it has just crossed
an invisible line. It faces the other Evas silently for a second, then
reaches into a tiny set of guards under its arms and pulls a set of
progressive knives loose, holding two in each hand. Since imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery, the arms then split apart at the elbows,
then at the wrists, giving the Jet Alone four arms, each holding a
progressive knife. The progressive knives activate one at at time, the
quad humming weapons shaking the very ground as the robot readies for
their attack.]
John: Fuck.
[Nicely put.]
----------
[Public Service Announcement 5: Safety, Safety, Safety!]
[Author-Jared is crucified in the background. An army of undead are
attacking Author-John and Author-Andy, who fight them off with shotguns
and bullwhips.]
Author-John: Quick! To the entrance!
Author-Andy: Right behind you!
[Author-John slips on a banana peel, knocking down Author-Andy as well.
The screen freezes and text pops up, "KEEP WORK AREAS CLEAN."]
----------
[Tokyo-3. Andy and Jared stand in the middle of the deserted street,
guns resting at their sides, smoke issuing from the barrels. Both have
stunned looks plastered all over their bruised mugs.]
Jared: That was... so COOL! (drops gun to gesticulate wildly) How did
you DO that, with the zing! Woo-pah! Bang! Pow!
Andy: (drops gun; manic gestures) And that thing you did with wham!
Smack! Bang! Plunk! Zing!
Jared: (spazzing out) And then the--
Andy: (building up) --yeah, yeah, and the--
Jared & Andy: (sim.) --that was AMAZING!
[Grinning wildly, the two charge at one another, clashing and sending
out shock waves. The battle, both furious and picturesque, quickly moves
into a skyscraper, then to the roof of the skyscraper, then leaps from
rooftop to rooftop across the Tokyo-3 skyline until the Goons land on a
frighteningly accurate copy of the original Tokyo Tower. By the time the
camera catches up with them, they're wearing school uniforms with price
tags still attached to the sleeves, and wielding HUGE swords.]
[It's been a LONG time since I've seen "X," but I'll give it a try. Dark
clouds swirl above, golden lightning touching the city here and there.
Rose petals the color of blood flow around the fighters, so thick they
can barely see.]
Jared: (struggling to see through the rose petals) What... the... fuck?
Andy: (swiping at the petals with his sword to no avail) The special
effects... they've gone crazy! Help me stop this sani--I mean insanity!
[The rose petals begin to fade. After a moment, they are gone, leaving
the roof of the observation platform colored crimson.]
Andy: Jared? Hey, where are you?
Voice: Andy... I am... your mother...
Andy: Mom?
Voice: Andy... you must go to Tokyo-3.
Andy: < -_- > ... I'm _in_ Tokyo-3, mom.
Voice: Andy... now you must...
[The camera pans around to face Andy head-on and with that we see Jared
crouched on a beam directly behind and above him, imitating the voice of
the other Goon's mother.]
Andy: < -_- > Must what?
Jared: ... DIE! (drops and swings)
Andy: (blocking and narrowing his eyes as the clashing swords shower him
in sparks) Lame, dude. Very lame.
Jared: (still hanging in the air, sword crossed with Andy's) Maybe, but
I've always wanted to do that.
James: Aha! Guys, a moment?
Andy & Jared: NO!
[Andy snarls and swipes at the smaller Goon, who back-flips out of the
way, and thanks to his location, leaps right off the observation
platform. Andy follows without pause.]
James: Fuckers!
Jared: (as he lands and swings with both hands) VACUUM BLADE FORCE
ATTACK!
Andy: Shit!
[Andy just barely dodges to the side, in mid-air no less, as a
paper-thin wave of something shoots by him. Curious, he looks over his
shoulder to see a line of dust flake off the building behind him where
the "blade" hit.]
Andy: Hm... (swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!
[Jared dodges the return shot.]
Jared: (smirks; swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!
Andy: (quickly; swings) VACUUM BLADE FORCE ATTACK!
[The two waves issue at different angles, fly through the air. Both
Goons smirk as the waves get closer, closer... the Goons brace
themselves for a new type of explosion, then the waves pass harmlessly
through one another without slowing down or changing direction.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Andy: < 0_0 > ...
[Both Goons dodge just in time, both coming away with torn clothing.]
Andy: What was that?
Jared: Something like a Ranma 1/2 technique I saw once.
[Both suddenly launch new waves with reckless abandon. Within a few
minutes, a huge dust cloud has formed, and several buildings have
collapsed.]
[Near one such building, Jared lands amidst the dust cloud, and is
forced to pause. Nerves taunt as piano wire, he stands still as a
statue, listening, looking for his enemy.]
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
[The entire area is silent. Wispy gray and brown clouds of dust slowly
settle around Jared like a falling mist.]
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
[Then a piece of concrete the size of a potato falls from the building
he's standing front of. It explodes into two neatly bisected halves that
fly apart before Jared even lands on the ground, a half-block away,
sword drawn and held at his side after executing a powerful slash.]
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
Jared: (thinking) Calm down Jared. You'll never see him coming if you're
this tense.
[Jared's vision pans across the small courtyard he's landed in.
Building... building... bench... signpost... building... fence... alley
with enough room for perhaps a Cooper Mini to fit through, with a tiny
car parked there. Next comes another building.]
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
Jared: ...
[Jared's eyes snap back to the car's chrome bumper. A reflection in the
bumper is moving.]
Jared: (eyes widen; spins and slashes) HA!
[Jared's massive sword shatters another hunk of concrete, this one
clinging to a metal pole that's coming at Jared's head and is held by
Andy. The force of shattering the concrete finally knocks the sword out
of Jared's hands. The smaller Goon leaps away to eye Andy critically.]
Jared: (thinking) What a sneak-attack! He is... learning...
Andy: ...
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
Jared: ...
[As if by unseen command, the two begin moving again. Andy works his way
through an elaborate kata with his makeshift staff. Jared assumes the
stance and begins a slow power up. As Andy's kata finally draws towards
a close, translucent blue flames envelope Jared.]
Jared: SUPER ULTIMATE MEGA BEYOND INSANITY TURBO OVERKILL MIND-EXPANDING
ULTIMATE FINAL TRI-FORM TECHNIQUE TIMES PI!!!
[Andy finishes his kata with a single half-spin and stops ready to
fight, facing one hundred Jareds. All have shed the high school uniform,
and wear black suits, black ties, Italian shoes, sunglasses, and are all
fitted with identical ear communicators. In short, they're all dressed
exactly like Agent Smith from those movies... you know, the ones with
the action, the fighting, and no plot?]
[You know, the ones just like _this_ story?]
[The Jared at the front looks around the courtyard theatrically.]
Jared #1: ...
[He takes in Andy with a look of disdain.]
Jared #1: (flawless Agent Smith Mode) Well, well, well. What do we have
here? (looks at himself) Why it's--
Jared #2: (also flawless Agent Smith Mode) Me.
Jared #1: (cold smile) Me too. (folds his arms over his chest) Me...
me... me... An army of me. (as the forms slowly surround Andy) It
appears that I am everywhere, Mr. Mucha. I am inescapable,
unstoppable...
[Well, this is stupidity is going to take us nowhere for a while. We'll
come back when it gets interesting.]
----------
[Unit-01 and 03 pull back, giving John and the metal beast room. The Jet
Alone's arms are moving in a complex defensive pattern, the glowing
progressive knife blades flying through the air in a blur. John drops
Unit-05 into a knife-fighting stance and takes out his own progressive
knife. Hopefully, John's picked up some mad knife skillz from Jared.]
[The Jet Alone begins a slow march towards Unit-05, intent on slicing
the Eva into ribbons without expending any further computational power
on the fight. Then the knives come to a stop against an AT-Field.]
John: GOTCHA!!!
[Even as the Jet Alone tries to cut through the field, John angles a
thrusting charge at the robot while dropping the AT-Field. The Jet
Alone's knives all slice harmlessly through air while John's blade
neatly severs one hand. Then John jumps back and assumes his stance
again. The Jet Alone considers the missing knife, then resumes its
attack with a different defensive pattern.]
John: (to the arriving Evas) Stay back!
[Unit-02, 09, and 07 come to a halt a decent distance from the knife
fight. 02 holds a pair of weapons resembling nagita, both with humming
progressive blades. 07 is all but an exact copy of the canon Unit-03
save for the massive double-ended progressive broad sword and spherical
bulge in its armor protecting an active S2 core. 09 stands beside 07
with an Eva-sized katana. 09 now features a dull green paint job,
compact B-type armor and head gear that resembles an infantry helmet. A
huge lens is set over the left eye.]
Toji: Shinji, what's going on?
Misato: (over comm to all of the Eva pilots) Cut the chatter, 07.
Support John with running attacks to keep the robot from overwhelming
05.
Toji: I'm just wondering why John hasn't blasted it yet.
Misato: (over comm; sighs) The Jet Alone MkII is powered by an on-board
nuclear reactor. Projectile weapons that the Evangelions are equipped
with will detonate it, ki blasts carry equal danger, and this area is
heavily populated. You'll need to disable its combat capabilities
without damaging the reactor.
Asuka: (snorts; sarcastic) Right. That's going to be easy.
[The three new Evas pull out their progressive knives. Now surrounded by
six bio-mechanical weapons of war, the Jet Alone finally gives pause
before resuming its assault on Unit-05. A flurry of knife attacks is
thrown upon the Jet Alone with righteous fury. Barely defending itself,
the Jet Alone resorts to kicks to keep the swarming Evas at bay, even as
it looses another hand to John's skilled attacks.]
John: We have it!
[The Jet Alone ignores the battle cry and leaps into the sky, clearing
the group and landing on the ground a full 200m closer to Tokyo-3, and
right in the middle of some strange-looking fog. Instantly the robot
jerks to a halt and something resembling tar condenses over its entire
surface.]
John: (exultant) Hah! It's immobilized! That's brilliant! That's
incredible! (exultation changes to confusion) That's... really
weird-lookin' shit. Who fired that? Do Andy and Jared have a tar-
lunching gun I'm not aware of? I don't see a catapult out there...
Misato: (over comm.) Nobody launched anything. We didn't--
[Alarms wail.]
James: (over all comm. systems) Blue pattern confirmed. Coding Jet Alone
MkII as 13th Angel. Evangelions, commence attack.
John: ...
Misato: ...
Ritsuko: ...
Aoba: ...
Shinji: ...
Makoto: ...
Asuka: ...
Toji: ...
Kensuke: ...
Fuyutsuki: ...
Maya: ...
James: (over all comm. systems) Honestly, who didn't see this coming?
[John blinks, then blinks again as the Angel mimicks a living oil slick
and slides under the Jet Alone's external armor. The robot begins
thrashing around.]
John: (managing a spit-take in LCL) What the-- (turns on the exterior
speakers and their amplifier system) You! Quit stepping on those people!
Get away from that building! No! No, you idiot! Emote! Emote!
[Misato and Ritsuko stare open-mouthed at the battlefield.]
John: (lamely, as he turns off the external speakers) Worth a try.
[The Angel leaps into the air, landing on the back of Unit-01. The
severed arms sprout a dozen tentacles each, and they rapidly wind their
way around Unit-01 like a spider wrapping up its prey.]
Asuka: Shinji!
Misato: (over comm.) Get that thing off of him!
John: (getting out the Predator claws) Fuck this.
[Unit-03 charges the Angel, hitting the Jet Alone chassis like a
linebacker. Unit-01 rocks on its feet and nearly falls over, but the
Angel stays firmly attached. It grabs Unit-03 and attempts to use it as
a shield against John, but the Goon and his Eva are too fast and jump
clean over the struggling mass, raking the massive claws extending from
its wrist down the Angel's side, splitting open the armor on one of the
arms. A black "liquid" begins to flow out of the wound, freezes for a
second as it hits the air, then forms tentacles and begins flying
towards John.]
[Raising Unit-05's arm instinctively, John uses his blades to slice
apart the tentacles--Turbo Ginsu(tm) style. They pull back for a
split-second, then glint in the sunlight and charge again, this strike
eliciting a metallic ring as they hit the blocking blades.]
John: (slight English accent) Clever girl...
[Unit-05 rolls out of the way while Unit-03 jumps aside another strike
of the hardened tentacles coming from one free arm. Interestingly, the
robotic hand is attached to the tentacles rather than directly to the
robot's arm like it should be.]
[Unit-01 roars, tearing half of the tentacles away and taking a step
forward.]
Shinji: DIIIEEE!!!
[Against standing orders, John draws his backup pistol. Asuka tosses a
spare nagita to Shinji and charges the Angel head-on with Kensuke and
Toji flanking her. John lets a round go over the Angel's head,
distracting it while Shinji starts swinging at the tentacles binding his
Evangelion. The result is similar in look and sound to putting a handful
of bolts and a cup of molasses into a blender set on "puree." Just, you
know, at Eva scale.]
Asuka: Holy--
[Unit-02 is pushed back, blocking a string of overhead attacks that chip
away pieces of the blade on her progressive nagita. Ducking and spinning
behind Kensuke, who thankfully misses the brunt of the Angel's attack
and stands fast using his katana to defend himself. Asuka tightens the
spin, bringing her nagita around in a powerful arc to gather speed and
moves into a crouch under the right arm of Unit-09. The nagita's blade
flies into the Angel's side with a satisfying CRUNCH!]
Asuka: (as drops of blood obscure her view) YES!!! Take that!
John: (over comm.) 09 is down! Asuka, catch him!
[Her next victory cry catching in her throat, Asuka looks up to see that
the crimson streaks on her visual sensors are from the blood spraying
out of a deep cut in 09's right shoulder--the attack that left the mark
would have sliced Unit-02's head in two had Kensuke not stood defiantly
in its path. Asuka's eyes widen as she takes in the damage. At the same
time, the two limbs Kensuke was just fighting pull back and form into
a massive battering-ram of an arm. Then the arm is launched at the head
of 09 like a missile.]
[Acting without conscious thought (a relatively common activity for
Asuka), she shoves at the bleeding arm with her Eva's left hand,
rotating the Unit-09's head and upper body away from the coming blow.
Her right hand lets the nagita fall free--the long weapon is useless at
this range--and grabs the katana dropped by Unit-09 with her right hand,
bringing it up with every ounce of strength 02 can muster. As the blade
nears the vertical, Unit-02's left hand closes around the handle,
putting more power behind the blade. Just as the sword is perfectly
vertical, the Angel's freakish half machine, half something else
super-fist slams into the it, rattling Asuka's bones as the impact
vibrations travel through her Evangelion.]
Asuka: (looking up in disbelief) No way...
[Yes way. The Angel's fist is completely undamaged by the blow.]
Asuka: (rolling back) We're screwed!
[As if to punctuate this statement, Unit-07 goes sailing over Asuka and
skips over a hundred or so small trees, a few houses, and a parked sail
boat before flattening a trio of cabins set on the shore of the nearby
lake.]
[Unit-05 and 03, moving with exceptional coordination, slam the Angel
between a pair of attacks, cracking more of the Jet Alone's armor, but
the Angel isn't hurt, only slightly deformed and extremely pissed off.]
----------
[We're back to the 100 Jareds and Andy armed with a staff.]
Andy: (applauding) That was the COOLEST speech I've ever heard! Have you
been practicing that for long?
Jared #1: Weeks. (assumes kung-fu stance; other 99 Jareds do likewise)
Ready to face your doom?
[Andy swings at the nearest Jared clumsily. The other Jareds rapidly
swarm him. Andy executes a few back flips to get some distance, comes up
against one of the buildings, and springs off the wall, trying to clear
the horde below. But the jump is far too low. The Jareds leap at him and
eventually enough grab him that they pull him down. The others begin an
immediate and massive dog-pile. From the bottom of the pile comes a
muffled CRIK!]
Andy: (muffled under the Jareds) Aha! That's better!
[The Jareds are blown away as if Andy's body has become an exploding
firecracker. The big Goon comes flying out of the pile pummeling Jared
after Jared mercilessly. Finally, he gets himself some room, and gives
the Jareds a come-hither gesture.]
Jared 1: (charging) RAAAGH!
[The pace and intensity of the fight is doubled as Andy manages to hold
his own against the One Hundred Jareds Assault. The Jareds are very
weak, and although skilled, and easily tossed aside by Andy's greater
strength. For a while, it seems like his endurance will carry him
through. But the Jareds begin to merge. Slowly the numbers dwindle until
there's only one (thank God!), who stands still, letting Andy land a
kick that sends him flying across the courtyard.]
Jared: (slowly getting to his feet) Pretty good, dude. You were almost
fighting there for a moment.
Andy: (winded, but not done) Feh.
Jared: Ever hear of a technique called "rope-a-dope?"
Andy: As much as you can hide it, you've exhausted yourself too.
Jared: (shrugs) If you insist.
[Andy explodes off the ground, flying for the clouds like a missile,
aura blazing. Jared stands idly on the ground for a moment, then a red
aura flares around him and he's off like a rifle bullet, landing a
flying kick in Andy's guard.]
[You can hear the impact two miles away.]
Jared: (disappearing with another red aura) Kaioken!
[Then Andy suddenly kicks at thin air, his boot impacting on Jared's
chin half-way through the move.]
Andy: Hah! That'll stop your stupid Kaioken! (red aura) KAIOKEN!
[Andy is a little surprised when Jared suddenly uses the flip-kick on
him, but he's even more surprised to find that he's suddenly too dizzy
to do much fighting and drifts away from the pervert.]
Jared: (yelling at the parked car while pointing at the sky) Fight like
a man!
Andy: (up-side down and unable to figure out where "up" should be) I'm
over here, dude.
Jared: (spinning around hopelessly and pointing at Mt. Fuji) Now who has
to use the Tri-Form Technique?!
Andy: (plummeting from the sky) Quit using the ground against me,
Waddell!
Jared: (attacking his own arm) I'm not!
[WHAM!]
[A cloud of dust signals Andy's friendly impact with planet earth.]
James: Guys? Guys! Damn it, you two need to knock this shit off right
now!
Andy: Fine! Give me ten seconds and I'll _annihilate_ him!
James: Listen to me, you dumb f--
----------
[The Evangelions have switched to attacking in pairs. Unit-07 is on its
feet, but Kensuke's plug is slowly filling with a crimson coloring that
the filters can't completely remove. Pleading that he is fine, he's back
in the battle, though a red stain is slowly spreading over his Eva's
armor.]
John: Damn it! (throws away his empty pistol) It just re-grows the arms
I'm shooting off!
Misato: (over comm.) Well, don't blast it. We still haven't moved
everyone out of that area.
John: (frowns deeply) There's another way. (snarls) And where the
fuck are Andy and Jared?!
James: You'll probably want to skin them alive. They're having a DBZ
moment back in the city.
John: You're right, I do want to skin them alive.
Misato: (over comm.) There won't be anything left of Tokyo-3 by the time
they're done!
John: It could be worse. They could be trying to actually blow up the
world.
Ritsuko: (to John over comm.) That's impossible! They don't have their
Evas!
Misato: (to John over comm.) That's silly. You're silly.
----------
Andy: (blazing past Jared into the upper atmosphere) THIS PLANET IS
HISTORY!
James: (string of vehement but incoherent curses)
[Eyes wide, Jared drops to the ground, his body suddenly giving off a
white glow.]
Jared: (eyes closed, begging, praying to...) Lend me the strength.
Please...lend me the strength.
Andy: (bright as the sun) GALLAT GUN FIRE!!!
[A ball of ki the size of a mini-mall begins to descend from the
heavens. It isn't slow, but it isn't fast. It moves steadily, with the
kind of inevitability that reminds one of a tidal wave approaching a
sleepy shore-side village.]
[But Jared merely grins darkly at the challenge. He assumes the proper
stance, focusing, while white and blue waves of ki flowing over his body
like living streams of pure light, slowly gathering in his cupped
hands.]
Jared: (slowly) KAMEHAME...
[The light suddenly solidifies within his hands, glowing with a buzzing
sound like a chainsaw under a pillow.]
Jared: (loudly, and quickly) HAAAAAAAAA!!!
[The two balls meet, trailing immense strands of ki that lead back to
their owners. Andy's Gallat Gun blast is white tinged with yellow, while
Jared's Kamehameha wave is pearl tinged with blue. The two collide and
stop dead, both blasts held fast by the opposing force.]
Andy: (snarling) KAIOKEN TIMES TWO!
Jared: (at the same time, and with some measure of worry) KAIOKEN TIMES
THREE!
[The combined blasts stay stubbornly in place for three very long
seconds, then pulse brilliantly and begin to slowly slide back towards
Andy.]
----------
[Back on the field of battle, Unit-01 collides violently with Unit-05.]
John: God DAMN it, Shinji! What the FUCK are you doing here?! I said
flank west!
Shinji: (openly defiant) I am flanking west!
John: (pointing) But the sun is... (realizes everyone has TWO shadows)
what the... (looks in the direction of the city and begins to seethe)
Those BASTARDS are having a BEAM BATTLE while I'm--
[John's face clenches up, lined with rage. Unable to articulate his
frustration with words, he charges the 13th Angel, swinging madly at the
beast with his progressive knife. So ferocious is his attack that even
when the other Evangelions back off, the Angel's advanced is halted.]
John: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
Asuka: (a little shocked) Is he... is he okay?
Toji: (grits his teeth) He's got three arms down! Shinji!
Shinji: I've got your back! Go for it!
[Unit-07 and 01 move into range, covering each other's back as they
weather a dozen attacking tentacles and four powerful half-mechanical
arms. Unit-03 takes up the charge too, standing within range of the long
tentacles and eliminating the Angel's maneuvering options.]
Asuka: (leaping into the air with a savage cackle) And I'll crush the
head!
[What's left of Unit-02's nagita comes out of the sky like a missile,
slamming into the Angel-transformed mechanical head of the Jet Alone
MkII like a hammer coming down on an egg.]
Asuka: Take that, BITCH!
[In retaliation, an arc of electricity explodes out of the Angel, up the
nagita, through Unit-02 and into the very sky, dissipating into the
black clouds that have begun to gather above. The power of the discharge
blows Unit-02 a hundred feet into the air.]
Misato: (screaming over comm.) ASUKA!!!
[The Angel pulls away from the Evangelions and their stunned pilots and
rapidly resumes its march toward Tokyo-3. Unit-02 comes down hard, limbs
flopping around lifelessly.]
Shinji: (running towards Unit-02) ASUKA! ASUKA!
Kensuke: (already standing over Unit-02) I've got her! I can't fight
it... (in tears) I... I just don't know enough. Go, Shinji! Stop that
thing!
Shinji: But...
Misato: (over comm.) Shi... Shinji, do it!
Shinji: But--
John: Get down here, Ace! Rei, flank--
[A blast of light temporarily blinds anyone unfortunate enough to be
looking in the direction of Tokyo-3.]
Shinji: What the--
John: (not affected by the flash) TODAY, Ace! Rei, get next to me.
Rei: i am next to you.
John: Right. Where's Shinji?
Shinji: (sets himself; to Kensuke) Watch over her.
Rei: he's on his way.
Kensuke: I will. (as Unit-01 runs towards the moving battle) What do I
do now?
Ritsuko: (over comm.) Flip the Eva over and open the hatch on the back.
Look for the small black triangle, that's the release.
Kensuke: (notices his hands shaking) Black triangle. Check.
----------
[Back where Andy is at, the clouds are being boiled out of the sky.
Waves of ions and chemicals forged in the furnace of his ki flow away
from the Goon, who has proverbially pegged out his energy manifestation.
Yet more remains. He feels it, knows it's there, but even as his arms
tremble and the feeling leaves his limbs, he can't--or won't--reach for
it.]
Andy: (just barely holding on) DAMN... YOU...
[Far below, however, cogs are locking firmly into place.]
Jared: (triumphantly) She was wearing RED underwear! (blinks) Oh yeah,
beam battle...
[Jared pulls one hand back, leaving the other arm locked at the elbow.
He's okay for the moment, but if Andy pushes any harder right now, he'll
be the one-armed wonder for the rest of his life. Slowly, he begins to
draw strands of ki out of the blast coming from his palm, separates
them, and gets them to slowly spin around one another. When they're
moving fast enough, he nods, and slams his free hand into the back of
his other hand with a yell.]
Jared: VORTEX APOCALYPSE!!!
[This time the sun is out-shone a dozen times over as the Gallat Gun and
Kamehameha wave detonate like a nuclear bomb. Jared weathers the storm
that washes the color from the scene. With any luck, he's dead.]
[We're not that lucky.]
[Meanwhile, Andy is thrown only God knows how many miles away...]
Andy: (receding into the distance at high speed) BOOM! WHEEEEEeeeeee...
[When the dust has only just begun to clear, Jared pokes his head out of
a pile of soft beds. Shaking his head, he climbs out of the pile.]
[A considerable distance away, Andy crawls off of a pile of soft
and--thanks to his arrival--unconscious Yakuza. He quickly appropriates
a black trench coat, a black suit, and some shades. Locking onto Jared's
unique energy signature, Andy flies directly towards him at top speed.
The mach cone formed in his wake picks up cars and debris, flinging them
about like marbles thrown down a rain gutter.]
[Then, unexpectedly, Andy's chin makes contact with the remains of a
tennis shoe that has a foot in it with a leg still attached. Crashing
into a building head-first at 400 mph, Andy misses the sight of Jared
landing easily on his feet from the sudden attack and turn to face
Andy's landing place.]
[The larger Goon bursts out of the side of the building with a full
triple somersault and lands on the ground a dozen feet in front of Jared
amidst a shower of concrete and steel.]
Andy: (bits of concrete sticking to his face) That was pretty cool.
Jared: Agreed. Ready to lose?
Andy: (charging) NEVER!
[Andy just misses Jared with a powerful spinning kick, then gets a
return kick in the gut. Ignoring it, he swipes at the Jared, and again
misses. This time Jared's counter is an uppercut that starts at his
knees and ends at Andy's chin. The blow strikes with so much force that
the large Goon is lifted a foot into the air. Jared then grabs him about
the middle waist. Arcs of electricity explode out of Jared's hands,
coursing through Andy and handily illuminating his skeleton dancing the
100,000-Volt jig.]
[Jared drops the smoking Goon and backs away.]
[Andy belches out a cloud of smoke.]
Andy: (coughing) That was pretty cool.
Jared: (pointing) Dude, your hair is standing on end... (screaming in
rage) YOU <censored> PUSSY-ASSED <censored> <censored> <censored> IDIOT!
YOU PIECE OF <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored>
<there's no way in hell I'm typing that in this story>!!! You look like
Vegeta now!!! (fist to the heavens) When will my time come? And who will
I come as?!
[Andy shrugs, then launches a fast, flaring-aura string of attacks.
Jared matches them closely, but lets a few hits through. Snarling, he
quickly reverses the flow of flying fists, clashing elbows, crunching
knees, and smashing feet. Pressed back to the remains of the building he
just decimated, Andy jumps up and springs off the wall with an aerial
side kick, aiming to cut Jared in half. With a superior smirk, Jared
steps to one side of the kick and clotheslines Andy right out of the
air.]
Andy: (laying on the ground) You God damn cheat!
Jared: Sore loser!
[The pair crosses with a high string of hooking kicks, then change up to
a string of straight and reverse punches ending in a series of locked
backfists. After the final attack they pause for a minute, wrist-to-
wrist.]
Jared: You're learning.
Andy: You're dead meat.
[Andy socks Jared in the stomach. Jared clocks Andy on the chin. The
larger Goon turns his fall into a spin and executes a leg-sweep that's
quickly turned into a double-kick. Jared does a back hand-spring to
dodge the leg sweep, then gets folded in half around Andy's foot.
Knocked a dozen yards away, Jared slowly gets to his feet, makes little
pistol shapes with his hands, and begins shooting ki "bullets" at Andy.
The big Goon stands his ground though, bending at the waist to dodge the
"shots," leaving after-images behind as he does so.]
[Jared stops shooting, shocked. Then Andy raises one "gun" hand and
fires at Jared. Jared leans back at the knees, dodging the string of
"bullets" fired by Andy while the camera rotates around him in Bullet
Time(tm). Then Jared jumps back to his feet, one "pistol" at the ready.
The two charge at each other, firing and dodging before they jump into
the air and Bullet Time(tm) the rest of the "gun" fight, landing on the
ground with index fingers pointed at each other's heads.]
Jared: (grinning wildly) THAT ROCKED!
Andy: (grinning manically) THAT WAS AWESOME!
[Both Goons immediately jump to their feet and dash to and fro, firing
hundreds and hundreds of ki "bullets" into the area. Eventually Jared is
crouched behind a pile of concrete that's shot down to match his profile
so that any movement leaves him exposed. Andy's cover is shot out in the
shape of the Playboy bunny, infuriating the Goon who's holding a yoga
pose behind it to avoid being shot.]
Andy: Fucker!
Jared: (taking pictures of his handiwork) Hold on a second...
[Andy teleports right next to Jared, slaps his "gun" hand aside and
head-butts him.]
Jared: Was that supposed to hurt?
[Andy knees Jared in the stomach, drops a double-fist on the back of his
neck, and kicks him soccer-ball style into a parked mini-bus. The bus
bends into a ninety degrees angle at the point of impact, the sound of
violently deforming metal like a gunshot in the empty city.]
Jared: (stumbling out like a frat brother on beer #22) What... wuzzat
supposed to... wha...
[Andy lands a flying kick on the Goon, this time sending both him and
the bus sliding nearly a block down the road. Then he starts walking
toward it, slowly.]
Jared: KIYAAAAA!!!
[In flare of red light, the bus is blown apart and Jared charges Andy
with murder in his eyes. Andy meets the attack with a red aura of his
own.]
----------
[Time is running out. John dodges a few wild swings from the Angel, then
helps Shinji block a set of attacks from tentacles with razor-sharp
points on them. Bleeding holes in the armor of both Evas are a testament
to the power of these tentacles. Kensuke, out of his Eva and barely
alive, is sitting on the torn-up landscape with Asuka, who's only alive
thanks to the CPR Kensuke learned how to do only last week. The armor of
Unit-07 has been peeled off in several places, relegating Toji to
backup. While Unit-03 has proven insanely tough, as designed, the strain
of piloting the highly modified Eva is slowing Rei considerably. Shinji
and John are still able to fight, but are as slowing as well.]
Shinji: (over comm.) We're all going to die, aren't we?
John: I should have blasted it before Asuka got shocked. If I fire a ki
blast now, her and Kensuke are gonners.
Shinji: Then what now?
[The Angel, sensing the pause, unleashes another burst of electricity
from its tentacles. John raises Unit-05's arms and the electricity is
drawn into points of blue light in its hands. After the burst is gone,
John shakes his head.]
Shinji: < 0_0 > ...
John: (quietly) Get back.
----------
[The clouds are now thick in the sky, making an artificial night over
Tokyo-3. Jared and Andy battle back and forth desperately, clothes torn,
faces and bodies covered in bruises, scraps, scratches, and small cuts.
They clash here, there, kicking up dust as they battle back and forth
with an astonishing variety of moves that would simply crush any martial
artists with enough skill to actually block them.]
[They clash again, in the middle of a street. Punches strike flesh as
the dueling pair rise higher and higher. Suddenly, they jerk to an
awkward halt in mid air.]
Jared: Ouch! Fuck!
Andy: What the hell?!
Jared: The wires are all tangled up.
Andy: Then cut them!
Jared: Reach for my back pocket. There should be a pair of wire cutters
there.
Andy: < 0_0; > You carried a pair of wire cutters to our fight?
Jared: Hello? _Wire_ fighting? I figured something like this would
happen!
Andy: Ah, got 'em.
[Snip. Snip. Snip.]
Jared: Yes, almost loose!
Andy: (cutting away despite his own train of thought) Aren't we
twenty-seven floors u--
[Snip. TWANG!]
Jared & Andy: (falling rapidly) AAAHHH!
Andy: (stopping in mid air) Wait! We can fly!
Jared: (also stopping in mid air) Air brakes! w00t!
James: How much longer is this stupidity going to go on?!!
[The two drop to the ground, slamming into each other's attacks again.
As a streak of lightning dashes across the tumultuous sky, they suddenly
dance away from one another and stand at a half-dozen paces distant. The
smaller Goon pauses to rip away the torn remains of his shirt. Giving
Andy the Bruce Lee stare, he yells the Bruce Lee yell.]
[Cue the slow motion.]
[Cue the kung-fu movie music.]
[Jared leaps at Andy, throwing a kick. Andy matches the move expertly,
and the two cross attacks in the air, their violent grace framed by
another expertly timed flash of lightning. They then pass one another,
and land the same distance apart.]
Jared: (slowly turning to face Andy) ...
Andy: (slowly turning to face Jared) ...
[Jared has a nasty gash across his cheek, and Andy's shirt is a hopeless
mass of rags tied about his torso. The kung-fu music rises and falls.]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
James: Who is playing this music?
[With his face the very picture of slow-boiling fury, Andy tears away
the rags that used to be his shirt and hurls them to the ground.]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
James: Oh, for the love of...
[Again, the two leap into the air, this time using exotic kung-fu flying
punches. Again, both cross in the air dramatically, again with the
lightning backdrop.]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
James: (snorts) ...
Andy & Jared: SHUT UP!
[This time they turn to face one another looking absolutely murderous.
Their eyes are obscured by hard black shadows, their muscled forms now
in sharp relief thanks to additional dramatic lights set up just in
time. Fist of the North Star? Anyone?!]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
[The slow motion abruptly ends.]
Jared: (powering up) WHOOOAAAA!!!
Andy: (powering up) HAAAAAAAA!!!
James: (deadpan) Yes. Woo.
[The two quickly transform, but don't regain their damaged clothing.
This is strange, since Jared's clothes change completely and he gains a
long sword in the process. Oh well. Each fighter now regards the other
patiently, calculating hundreds of possible attacks, formulating dozens
of strategies, getting pawed by a mob of screaming school girls that
come from out of nowhere, swarming the ultra-kawaii form of SCJ-Andy and
the ultra-bishonen SGJ-Jared.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely indignant) Let go of me! I have an evil pervert to
kill and a world to rule with an iron fist! A tiny fist, perhaps, but
one still forged of iron!!!
SGJ-Jared: Lady, please do not touch me there. Fair maiden, don't touch
that. Please, allow us space. (slightly raising his voice) It is
dangerous for you all to be here, that it is! There is a fight in
progress!
[James is too busy laughing his ass off to provide any kind of
commentary.]
[The bravest warriors know when to cut and run. SGJ-Jared and SCJ-Andy
are usually dumb enough to overstay their welcome and try to take over
the world anyway, but this time they take the easy way out and make for
the hills, SCJ-Andy opting for a hilarious Tokyo shuffle exit and
SGJ-Jared achieving high speeds by executing a flawless samurai dash.]
[If only Japanese school girls didn't have the speed of a cheetah when
chasing down something "kawaii."]
[And since we're shooting for overkill here, cue the "Wild America"
theme for a quick slo-mo cut.]
SGJ-Jared: Faster, my honored, kawaii opponent, or they will surely
overtake us, that they will!
SCJ-Andy: (cutely panicked) De-transform, you idiot!!!
SGJ-Jared: (blinks) Good idea.
[He does so, then a crooked grin spreads across the normal Jared's face.
Still shirtless, he skids to halt, catching SCJ-Andy by the collar.]
SCJ-Andy: (cutely struggling) Unhand me, you monster!
[As the school girl tsunami bears down upon them, Jared brings SCJ-Andy
up to his face, the smirk turning into something decidedly nasty.]
Jared: You'll do.
[Before SCJ-Andy can protest more, Jared holds him like a shield as the
girls bear down on them, hands outstretched.]
Jared: (flawless Tony Montana) Say hello to my little friend!
[...]
James: That is _so_ wrong.
[Three blocks away, Jared hits the pavement face-first, bounces a few
times, then skids to a halt on his teeth.]
[A second later, Andy comes to a halt right next to him, his legs
sticking into the air like a deceased spider.]
Andy: < @_@ > ...
Jared: < @_@ > ...
Andy: < @_@ > ...
Jared: < @_@ > ... (muffled by pavement) Let's never do that again.
Andy: < @_@ > ... Agreed, Waddell. Agreed.
James: Great. Grand. We need you to fucking help out, now!
[Jared's on his feet in the blink of an eye, smoothing his perfect hair,
flashing a brilliant white smile and looking 100% recovered.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Ready?
[Andy also jumps to his feet, adjusts an imaginary tie as if he's not
aware of being shirtless, and hurls a chunk of concrete at Jared.
Jared deflects the projectile, then gives chase.]
Andy: Ha-HA! Let's see if you can keep up!
[Andy dashes away, Jared hot on his heels. The larger goon bounces off
of some debris and takes to the air, where Jared meets him. The two
exchange kicks not possible in any sort of reality outside of a
computer... and naturally at this point the frame rate starts to lag,
the two jerking through the air like puppets held by a drunk puppeteer.]
Andy: (words jerky along with movement) What... is... going... on?
Jared: (words jerky along with movement) I think... we... blew up...
too... much... stuff... The... overdraw... is killing... our...
frame rate!
Andy: (words jerky along with movement) Over... draw? Bah! ... MONO-...
CHROME MODE... GO!
[The scene instantly switches to washed out black and white. The frame
rate immediately smooths out and two continue kicking each others'
asses.]
[When they land, it is amidst a spray of blood. Jared ignores the mess
that used to be his nose, instead kicking Andy in the ribs hard enough
to elicit a snapping sound from the point of impact.]
[Andy counters instantly, his eyes almost not seeing Jared in his rage.
They battle back and forth for a few seconds before Andy gets a hold on
Jared's arm, folds it into a pain hold, and calmly pushes the limb past
its breaking point. Amazingly, Jared throws Andy into yet another
building, then slowly gets to his feet. Dirtying the street with his
blood, he begins stalking towards the building with a wild look in his
eyes. Now that he's not locked in mortal combat, we can see that his
pupils have expanded so that his eyes are almost monochromatic.]
Jared: (scary voice we've never heard before) Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
[Andy pops out of the wreckage from behind Jared. The shorter Goon
blocks with his bad arm--and watches it fail with another crunch. Jared
punches him square in the face with his good arm. Andy's counter is also
absent of style, as he kicks Jared in the gut. Then he goes in for the
kill, placing the palm of one hand against Jared's chin and cupping the
other around the back of his head. In response, Jared rams three fingers
into a rather large gash on Andy's arm, causing one hand to spasm open.]
[Smiling and revealing a few missing teeth, Jared hits Andy in the
groin. In retaliation, Andy belts him the mouth again, spraying yet more
blood on the debris scattered around him.]
[Then, finally, the two stop, obviously disoriented from the pain.]
Jared: (almost unintelligible) More tea, Susan?
Andy: Delighted.
[Jared rolls onto his back, and swings his legs up to meet Andy's face.
Held between them is a large kitchen sink that rings dully upon impact.]
Andy: (eyes looking in different directions) Ow.
----------
James (via comm.) Jared and Andy are... uh, they're indisposed.
John: They're not coming?
James: (via comm.) They're not coming.
John: Then we're out of options. Execute plan 44-Alpha.
[Without waiting for a word of confirmation, James acts. Through the
MAGI systems, he overrides the safeties on Unit-03, 01 and 07,
increasing the LCL pressure until the pilots are unconscious. Then he
shuts down every listening and recording device he can control. A
little-known weapon hidden in the city hums to life, causing a brief EMP
wave that temporarily disables anything he can't turn off remotely. And
lastly, at the heart of this hellish battlefield, before the 13th Angel,
his heart breaking and soul dying, John's ki raises a dust storm like
none seen before, to blot out any view of what happens next.]
[Then he removes his glasses.]
[And opens his eyes.]
[A few seconds later James quietly turns everything back on. Electronics
come back on-line throughout the city. And John's temporary sand storm
dissipates into nothingness.]
James: (over all comm. systems) Blue pattern clear. Standing down from
alert status. Contacting emergency personnel. Major, Doctor, Genoni,
have a nice day.
[Somewhere, a clown cries.]
----------
[Seconds before, while the sensors are still off...]
[Andy stumbles back from the sink strike, grabbing a bit of pipe
sticking out of the wreckage. The abused metal gives way and Andy
crashes to the ground with a length of the pipe in his hand. Jared gets
to his feet, legs shaky, only to have Andy belt him across the face with
the pipe.]
[From his new position on the ground, Jared waves one arm in the air
with a single finger extended. He might be pointing at Andy, he might be
drawing shapes in the air. It's impossible to tell.]
Jared: (virtually intelligible) Cheater!
[Andy's reply is to use the pipe like a baseball bat, and break Jared's
extended finger with a quick swing. Jared rolls away and gets to his
feet. Andy closes in, and Jared suddenly steps into his next attack and
smoothly disarms the Goon as if he hasn't been fighting for his life for
the past hour.]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
[Andy looks at his empty hands, slightly confused, then grabs Jared's
head and slams it into a conveniently placed bit of concrete.]
Jared: ...
Andy: DIE!
[He grabs Jared's head and slams it into the concrete again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE!
[And again.]
Andy: DIE, you sick fuck!
[Andy pulls back, giving Jared one final, forceful smack, and drops the
remains to the ground. He pauses, regarding the blood-soaked concrete
thoughtfully.]
James: Well, I hope you're happy. The thirteenth Angel nearly killed
everybody--
Andy: < @_@ > Angel? We can't fight... during an Angel attack.
James: No shit, you--
Andy: < @_@ > Why didn't you... tell us?
James: ...
Andy: < @_@ > Oh well. Good bye, cruel world... I am... the strongest
of... all Saiyajins.
[Andy topples, pinning Jared's unconscious form to the ground with his
body.]
James: ... John is going to erase me.
[In the distance, a living shadow rises up for just a second, peaking
out of a cloud of dust, seen by no-one, and is suddenly gone.]
[With an almost imperceptible hum, much of the city's sensors finally
come back on-line, as the sounds of combat both near and far, cease.]
--------------------------------------------------
TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[Some hours later, at the sight of the finale to Jared and Andy's Stupid
Match of the Month. Jared, John, Rei, Andy, Toji, and Misato stand next
to a building spider-webbed with cracks. The city around them is all but
leveled. Andy and Jared, unsurprisingly, look like they've been through
a Hong Kong martial arts action movie. No one else is looking too
pleased with them.]
John: You know, this is exactly a situation that I didn't want to be in.
(glances at Misato) I remember telling you as much.
Misato: So do I. (to Jared) Well, what do you have to say for yourself?
Jared: The city is leveled, the Angel is dead, the Jet Alone MkII has
been demonstrated to be totally useless--
John: (interrupting) NERV is completely bankrupt and them some, scores
of thousands are dead, and YOU TWO are RESPONSIBLE!
Andy: But we aren't responsible, you always say--
[John back-hands Andy in the face. When the Goons merely staggers
instead of going down immediately, Jared taps a pressure point on his
neck and sends him into a deep sleep.]
Jared: Well, (yawns) That's it for me. I'm bushed. Time for bed.
[The pilots look at each other uncertainly, but John shares a knowing
glance with Misato, who grins evilly, and cracks her knuckles.]
----------
[Jared lays in the standard hospital bed, twitching in his full-body
cast which leaves him about as mobile as a rock. The room around him is
decorated to his tastes, a not-so-subtle testament to the frequency and
duration of his stays. Shag carpeting stretches from wall to wall, lava
lamps adorn the corners, a groovy stereo system hooked up a small disco
lighting setup helps the lighting of the room, which is also outfitted
with a pop machine, a condom dispenser, several mirrors, a few posters
of pin-up girls and the obligatory rack of machines that go 'Bing.']
Jared: (mumbling) How dare you turn against me, you son of a biscuit!
Ahh!!! Muffins! Muffins everywhere! (suddenly awake) Damn it... (looks
at the ceiling) Whew. Back in bed. Man, I hope this body cast will come
off soon...
[The door opens.]
Jared: (unable to move his head to see who has entered) Hello? Identify
yourself or die.
Rei: you haven't changed much.
Jared: (still staring at the Unfamiliar Ceiling) Rei. S'up?
Rei: your evangelion is uncomfortable to use.
Jared: You were in my Eva?
Rei: hai.
Jared: < o_0 > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_0 > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_0; > ...
Rei: ...
Jared: < o_0;;; > Why?
Rei: (smirking) well, now i know you.
[Rei dips her fingers into Jared's glass of water, and with a flick of
her wrist, deposits several tiny drops on Jared's exposed forehead.
Following this, she quickly and quietly vacates the room.]
[Jared lays there in confusion for a moment, puzzled at both Rei's words
and throwing water on his forehead. After a few seconds, the meaning of
her words become clear, and the Goon smiles. Then the water begins to
tickle. He tries to rub it away, but is restrained by the body cast.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
[There is much thrashing around, which only spreads the water, and its
effects.]
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
Jared: < 0_0 > ...
[Jared begins to shake.]
Jared: ( >_< ) ...
Jared: ( >_< ) ...
Jared: ( >_< ) FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!!!
[The screaming stops several hours later, when Jared's vocal cords give
out.]
----------
[Public Service Announcement 6: Thrilling Conclusion!]
[Author-John and Author-Andy stand over a desecrated corpse, which still
grasps a handful of charred pages to some long-lost story. The pair
looks rather combat-weary and wear solemn faces. Author-John looks
towards the camera.]
Author-John: (to Andy) Is that thing still on?
[Author-Andy walks behind the camera. With an audible 'click' the image
fades to static.]
----------
[A week later, in the Goons' apartment. The low angle of the evening sun
casts sallow shadows and illuminates the living room in a warm yellow
hue. Through the windows, one can see a thoroughly destroyed city and
the very beginnings of reconstruction. The Goons sit around a new coffee
table, sipping some Dew. Jared and Andy are still in some bandages, and
Jared is already beginning to recover his voice.]
John: I'm appalled. There I was, fighting for my life and freedom out
there, single-handedly killing alien invaders bent on our total
destruction, and _you_two_ were having a jolly old roll in the hay!
Jared: I think you're mixing metaphors...or insulting us more than
necessary...again.
John: Hang your feelings!
Jared: < ^_^ > Ask who won.
John: (snaps) That's hardly relevant. Things are so far off track, I
don't know where to begin.
Andy: < ^_^ > Just ask.
John: No! We need to at least figure out where this is story is headed.
If we can't, it's curtains for sure! That Jet Alone was programmed with
some insanely skilled combat AI, and the Angel took it over like it was
second nature. If the mass production units have that kind of capacity
for fighting unarmed, we're dead meat. That means, at the very least,
some _serious_ training.
Jared: < ^_^ > Ask, dude.
John: Never! Now, I wonder what the chances are of SEELE programming the
Mass-Production--
Andy: < ^_^ > I won!
John: I DON'T CARE! Mucha, they day I--
Shinji: Hi. The door was unlocked.
[Six eyes swivel to take in the Eva pilot, and do a double-take. Shinji,
or at least someone with Shinji's voice and general build, is standing
in the entrance dressed like a hockey goalie.]
John: What's with the protection, Ace?
Shinji: (bluntly) Well, I've been getting head in here when I come--
[Andy slams his hands over his ears and begins humming to himself
loudly.]
John: EXCUSE ME?
Jared: (grinning like an idiot) No, let him continue.
Shinji: ( >_< ) Let me try that again. (sighs) I've been getting hit in
the head when I come near here lately, so the protection is to keep me
safe from you three.
All Three Goons: < o_o;;; > ...
Shinji: Because I need to ask you guys a few questions about...well,
everything.
Jared: Forty-two?
Andy: For--DAMN YOUR SPEEDY LIPS, WADDELL!
Jared: (evil grin) You should see their super ultrasonic orgasm powers.
John: (warning; to Andy & Jared) Guys. (to Shinji) Come in Ace, I might
as well explain this to you too.
Shinji: Really? You will?
John: Why not? Most of it involves you.
[Shinji looks a little pale under his mask, but enters the room with a
determined look on his face.]
----------
[Two days later, in an open field, the Eva pilots and Goons are
assembled in a loose line, all dressed in properly sized BDU's and
wearing protective goggles. John walks in front of the line like a Drill
Sargent.]
John: (in his best "Morpheus" voice) Now you know the Truth about the
Evangelions, Third Impact, SEELE, and their mass production units. Our
problem is a simple one: we must destroy both SEELE and their
Evangelions. I have seen NERV's Evangelions rip limbs from these beasts,
cut them apart, and smash their intestines like so much spaghetti in a
toddler's hand, and yet they have survived. They are immortal and
invincible. SEELE is beyond the reach of any government. To fight them
is to fight the armies of the world. Yet there is hope. We only need to
kill the individual members of SEELE, as it is their presence which is
necessary to lead us to our doom. They are holding all of the keys, they
are guarding all of the doors, and sooner or later, we must destroy
them. We must destroy them and we must destroy their Evangelions. Should
either survive until Third Impact, they shall be our end.
Jared: (begins walking in front of the pilots as John gets back into the
line) In plain Japanese, John is saying that if SEELE or the Mass
Production Evangelions are alive when Third Impact occurs, it's curtains
for everyone. We have to kill the immortal Evangelions and assassinate
the members of the SEELE council while fighting off every military force
on earth.
Toji: When you put it like that, it sounds so easy...
Andy: (wild hand gestures) Yes! And then we get the good ending, the
BOOM explosions, the cool credits--
[Jared knocks out Andy.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Continue.
John: (turns back to the pilots) This is not an easy task, but since
when has anything easy ever been good?
[Fade out on the frightened looks on the childrens' faces.]
========================================================================
[Closing Song: "Parade" by Garbage.]
[The song opens with some light guitar strumming. Black screen.]
PRIMARY WRITER
Jared Waddell
[Fade in the Three Goons apartment, where Jared is rummaging through the
'fridge.]
SECONDARY WRITER
John Genoni
[Turn one hundred and eighty degrees to see John sitting at the kitchen
counter, eating cereal. It's worth noting that the sun is setting, which
can be seen through the balcony doors.]
TETRIARY WRITER
Andy Mucha
[Andy strolls into frame and starts yelling at Jared. Fortunately, the
only audio is the closing music.]
[When the full rock beat kicks in, we see Unit-01 battling the 3rd
Angel. It's totally kicking ass with wild Bruce Lee style moves. Hover
gunships fly around the battle while 01 wails on the invader. Finally,
the Angel hits the ground hard and _very_ slowly tries to get back up.
Fade into the cockpit as the brief vocal solo plays. Hey, it's Jared!
Piloting Unit-01! He's talking rapidly to someone over the comm unit and
smirking dangerously.]
[Cut to Rei and Shinji in school. Asuka is nowhere to be seen.]
Lyrics: Let's burn the factories /
That makes all the wanna be's
ORIGINAL SERIES
Neon Genesis Evangelion
[The chalkboard has the words "GREAT TEACHER WADDELL" written across it
in English characters. The pervert himself is reading some Shakespeare
with entirely too much enthusiasm for this time of the morning. Andy
bursts through the door holding two action figures. One is Unit-01, the
other is the 3rd Angel. He leaps onto Jared's desk and starts playing
with them, re-enacting the earlier battle. From the amount of spittle
flying from his mouth, he's making all of the sound effects too.]
Lyrics: Let's burst all the bubbles /
That brain wash the masses
EDITOR
Jared Waddell
[Andy, piloting the re-built Unit-00, fires off a ki-blast inside the
test chamber. While Shinji looks on in awe and John and Jared shake
their heads sadly, the rest of NERV goes into total panic.]
[Cut to big pink 4th Angel. Unit-01 is throwing a tank at the monster.
As the tank flies through the air, the hatch pops open and a confused
Andy sticks his head out to look around.]
[Impact.]
Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
If you can believe there's something worth fighting for
FACT CHECKER
Jared Waddell
[Unit-01 slams into a hill, the impact shaking trees a mile away. Toji
and Kensuke are on the ground, frozen in shock, the fingers of Unit-01
splayed around them like fallen logs. Unit-01 looks up to see a JSSDF
tilt-rotor aircraft hovering over the boys. A cable with harnesses
lowers from the aircraft. Unit-01 gets to it's feet and meets the charge
of the 4th Angel. While John, inside the tilt-rotor, lifts the school
boys to safety.]
Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth
GRAMMAR CHECKER
John Genoni
[Cut to the 5th Angel charging up its beam weapon. Jared stands on a
nearby bridge holding a twin-neck Fender guitar in his hands. He is
glowing red. When the particle beam fires, he swings the guitar like a
baseball bat, deflecting the beam into the sky. Of course, in that
direction, Andy has rigged up a massive catapult that flings a bicycle
into the air, where it is vaporized by the beam of energy.]
Lyrics: Believing in nothing /
Makes ya so boring
PESTERING PETER
John Genoni
[A hundred tons of steel slams into the walkway over the Bakelite
surrounding Unit-01. John is covering a heavily bandaged Rei from harm.
Seeing that John's body isn't even going to slow down the crushing
metal, Jared body-slams him, Rei, and the wheeled bed Rei is on out of
the way before diving off the catwalk. Unit-01's hand comes up to cover
Shinji, but to the side, quite unprotected, stands Andy. He is in the
DBZ power-up stance and looking almost hopefully up at the approaching
steel...]
Lyrics: So let's pray for something /
To feel good in the morning
INSANITY CHECKER
Andy Mucha
[The Three Goons are walking down a Tokyo-3 sidewalk with Shinji, Toji,
and Kensuke, who are trying to look like they're in a different country
than the three Americans. The Americans, it must be noted, are acting
out several notorious Three Stooges scenes with frighteningly accurate
timing.]
Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
If you can believe there's something worth fighting for
COMPUTER SYSTEMS
Cycanthus
Bogus
Lazarus
[Andy stands on a stage dressed in a tuxedo with long coat tails. The
spot light is all on him as he performs several amazing magical tricks.
Then when he starts sawing Asuka in half, there is clapping from the
audience before Jared tackles the cheering John.]
[Cut immediately to a nicely decorated Chinese restaurant. Andy and John
hang their heads in shame as Jared, dressed like a ninja, dances from
table to table avoiding a group of bumbling police officers. Misato and
Ritsuko slurp up some ramen in the background.]
Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth
TRANSPORTATION
'65 Nova
'89 Accord
[John floating above the ruins of Tokyo-3. The sky is blood red, and
John's eyes are evil purple. Tabris, the 17th Angel, floats before him.
The two share glares of pure murder while lightning leaps from tattered
earth to torn sky.]
[The closing song goes into a brief instrumental, while a montage of
shots flash by showing Unit-03 tearing through the Mass Production Evas.
The last image freezes for a second, of Unit-03 covered in the blood of
its enemies, head bowed, a long katana held tightly in one armored
fist.]
[The final scene of the instrument section is the blood red sky again,
this time framed by a row of Evas (Units 01, 02, 05 and 03), which
charge up Kamehameha wave to destroy some off-camera foe.]
Lyrics: Oh doctor we're dying /
There's no use in crying
SUPPORT SYSTEM
Small Children
Hard Alcohol
[James, in forbidden human form, is wearing combat gear suited to
Vietnam, complete with a large cigar clenched in tabacco-stained teeth.
In the background, a group of Evas hastily painted jungle camouflage,
work their way through a sophisticated "gun-kata" straight out of
"Equilibrium."]
Lyrics: So live for tomorrow /
And do what you have to
ADDITIONAL JOKES BY
John Genoni
Charmane Waddell
[A large space ship lands behind John. The man is smiling, wearing a
tuxedo, holding a remote control in one hand and a glass of champagne in
the other.]
Lyrics: As far as I can tell, it doesn't matter who you are /
If you can believe there's something worth fighting for
CHAOS CAUSED BY
Work schedule
[Jared standing in the middle of a rice field. Dead and bloodied bodies
are piled in the field right up to his shins. He's dressed just like
Kenshin and even holds a katana. He looks a little shell shocked.]
Lyrics: The color of the night; the glory of the sight of you /
Baby in your rhymes a smile always shoots the truth
THE WEATHER OUTSIDE
54 degrees and cloudy
[Misato sitting the couch drinking beer. American McGee's Asuka,
Colonial Space Marine John, Xenomorphic Jared, and Predator Andy jump
out from behind the couch shouting "boo!" That's the last anyone sees of
them until Christmas.]
Lyrics: Oh let's pray /
for something
ANNOYING NEIGHBOR
Well, I can't remember his name...
[The Goons and Eva pilots are in various combat drills. Some are
storming human-sized cardboard Angel targets, others are charging
through obstacle courses, yet others fire odd weapons normally designed
to work with an Eva. Presently unused are a variety of martial arts
training equipment.]
Lyrics: to feel good /
in the morning
SPECIAL THANKS TO
Family
Friends
Belly button lint
~ and ~
The urge to bore the audience to death
[The Goons are cruising in Jared's car. All are wearing sunglasses. The
closing song is now playing on the car's stereo. All three are lounging
in their seats without a care in the world. As the song's closing begins
to fade, the sound of the Chevelle's engine grows louder. Jared lays on
a little gas and pulls away from the camera, into the sunset.]
[Fade to black.]
----------
Cost of Closing Sequence: 27,350,000 Yen.
----------
========================================================================
Episode 10 Preview:
[A drawing of the 3rd Angel, done in crayon by a five-year-old, is the
only visual.]
Author-Jared: In the next episode of Three Goons in Eva! The world is
minutes away from ending? Can the super N^5 bomb be stopped by the
half-clone, half-cheese, AI-powered warrior who's been locked inside a
plate of lasagna for two years?! And what about the evil mad scientist,
Ritsuko Akagi, dead for four years, suddenly returning to kill our
heroes? Who is the mysterious man in the yellow jumpsuit with the "SD"
logo on his chest and what did Jared do with that 6" tall Incan mecha?!!
Author-John: Do we even _have_ a plot for the next episode?
Author-Jared: Plot? What plot?! This is classic Getter Robo material!
It's dancing arcade Evangelion action when the Mystic Seven dance team
from Furinkin high lays down a challenge to Asuka's long dead,
half-sister, who was revealed to be an Angel in disguise!
Author-Andy: (writing frantically) Hey! That was never in Eva!!!
Author-Jared: (nearly spastic) And what of the 27 Angels surrounding
NERV in attack formation?! And the Mexican gunslinger known only as
SEELE, WHERE DOES HE FIT IN?!!!
Author-John: What are you babbling about, there was only 17 in Eva!
Where did you get the other ten from?!
Author-Jared: And let's not forget Misato, stuck in the freezer! Will
she ever be rescued? Will the webcams stop fogging up? And where is my
Ritalin?! All, in the next episode of--
Author-John: You, in the hospital.
Author-Andy: Something he can't even remember.
Author-Jared: --THREE...GOONS...IN...EEEEEEEEEVAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Author-John: (disclaimer voice) This time with more Dew. Much more.
(pause) That's IT?! That's the fucking disclaimer?!!
Author-Jared: CUE THE MUSIC!!!
Author-Andy: What music?! We already did the music!!!
[Sound of metal hitting flesh.]
Author-John: It is done.
========================================================================
Author's Notes:
I hope you enjoyed the all-new expanded edition of episode 9. It was a
blast to write, insane at times, and I think I've abused the English
language enough for now. Questions about the plot? Don't worry, John
will take a wild stab at answering some of them in the next episode. Ja
ne!
========================================================================
[Epilogue 1: Deus Ex Something or Other]
[Open next to a lake, at a location not unlike the opening to the second
prologue. This time Kaji sits on the porch of a house. The house isn't
here anymore, so it's more like an awkward bench than a porch, really. A
large black car with no plates comes to a silent stop before the agent,
and one of the darkened windows rolls down a few inches.]
Kaji: The chip's been contaminated by the JA-47 component... I've got
proof of interference with Evangelion Unit-08's construction materials
too.
Voice: (from inside the car) Your report recommends we leave the item
where it is.
Kaji: It's serving a purpose. It's not perfect, but how could we expect
it to be?
Voice: Do you think the component can succeed?
Kaji: The targets... have heart.
Voice: (after musing this over for a minute) Agent X-453, thank you for
you work. You'll be happy to hear the dissenting faction has been
silenced.
Kaji: Silenced?
----------
[A half-world away, an old man, portly about the waist and thin about
the hair line, is dragged out of a back-door to an insanely expensive
hotel. Cold iron is put to the back of his head, and a very ugly mess is
the result.]
----------
[Back in Japan...]
Voice: Silenced.
Kaji: That does make me happy.
[The window closes. The car pulls away. Kaji lights another cigarette.]
Kaji: That makes me very happy.
[He smiles and begins walking away from the lake with his usual
swagger.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Epilogue 2: The Reason.]
[Andy and Jared sit in their apartment, on floor, watching the sun set,
and enjoying a companionable silence while the rest of Tokyo-3 is
enjoying a lack of building-leveling hand-to-hand fights.]
Andy: Training's going good.
Jared: Yep.
Andy: Quiet too.
Jared: Yeah, since you killed all those cicadas... (gets a funny look on
his face that we've never seen before, almost like he's thinking)
Andy: And John's brain is barely holding together. And NERV is broke.
Damn, I hate being the Responsible--
Jared: (gasps loudly) That means this is all _your_ fault!
Andy: What?
Jared: (points accusing at Andy) The cicadas!
Andy: Huh? How was getting rid of them a problem?
Jared: < 0_0 > They're a vital part of the anime ecosystem. Dude, you
can't just go flapping your butterfly wings in Peking, you'll ruin the
turkey!
Andy: < o_o > I'm not even going to pretend that made sense.
[The End!]
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