Okay!
Here we go again, and now I've even got an address to send them to! Things
are definitely looking up around here. ^_^
It would seem that the FFML has died yet again.
Oh, it comes and goes. Me, I just keep posting as much as possible
regardless. We have picked up a couple of new people who have posting
lately, so hopefully they will be hanging around and helping make this place
a little more active.
Okay, take two, this time using cut and paste. Wonder where that
attachment went?
....Into the ether by which Touma nearly fell into in Chapter 4?
Apparently. As far as I can tell, attachments just don't seem to work
anymore. I've started copying and pasting my fics ever since this debacle.
:p
Anyway, the thing about Chapter 6 is that... it's a helluva long chapter.
Yeah, this may be one of the longer chapters I've written. I guess it's one
of the side-effects of having such a large cast: my chapters are starting to
get a pretty lengthy. It just takes so much time to check in on everybody,
you know? ^_^
In my C&Cing experience, length
doesn't necessarily mean quality, but perhaps this time around we readers
will be getting quality _plus_ length equals more enjoyment. At least, I
hope so.
And I hope you're right! :p
Chapter 6: Running Like The Wind
Suggest: Running like the Wind (the Title Case should not have articles,
conjunctions, linking verbs and the like capped;
Gotcha - no more capping words that shouldn't be capped. Just to warn you,
I'd already titled my most recent releases before getting this, so you
probably won't see a change until chapter 10 at the earliest. Just one of
the many problems of working with a backlog, I know: by the time I realise
I've made a mistake, I've probably already repeated it somewhere.
bodies buried under the foundations, corpses from the quake that the Tomoe
family had been in too much of a hurry to properly locate or care for.
Experts agreed that the feng shui
Shouldn't that be 'feng shuei'?
Hmmm. Sounds like a certain building Imelda Marcos built over here on our
side of dystopia.
Something along those lines, yeah. Japanese contractors are usually very
wary about things like building on an inauspicious day. I figure with the
way Professor Tomoe had a habit for cutting corners and taking risks,
combined with the rush to rebuild after the Kanto quake, there is a good
chance that his family might have overlooked a few things in their ambition.
I just like the idea of the entire Tomoe family being cursed. Call me a
hopeless romantic. ^_^
Souichi Tomoe, the current head of the household, had been meaning
to get around to cleaning up that yard.
Heh. Nice use of understatement there, fic.
Souichi Tomoe is so absent-minded it almost hurts. Besides which, he does
have the excuse that he spent the last decade possessed by a demon that did
not have yardwork on the top of its list of priorities. Even after S, he
hasn't exactly been running on all cylinders.
One of the ongoing problems of getting possessed by a demon for the better
part of a decade was that even after the demon went away, people still
wanted to hold you responsible for whatever it did while it was around.
I do feel sorry for the poor, unassuming guy who's headmaster of a freakin'
crater. ^^;
One of the things that always bugged me in Sailor Moon is how we are never
really told what happens to a lot of the supporting cast after their season
is over. I've always wondered things like how Petz and her sisters were
adjusting to their lives in the past, or whether Ail and Ann had managed to
find a place to live, and such.
Hey, that's what's fanfic is for, right? ^_~
Kaori turned and looked over her shoulder before looking back.
"Miss Haruka Ten'ou is here to see you, Professor. Are you in?"
I find it weird that you would spell Haruka's last name as "Ten'ou" when
you've already opted for the anime/manga supported "Kaioh" and "Meioh".
Yeah, that is weird. I have no idea why I do that. Force of habit, I
suppose. :p
Thing is, since you're already using the 'oh' Romanization with Kaioh and
Meioh, I suggest you stick with that.)
Definitely a good idea. I suspect the next time we see 'Ruka, she'll be
spelling her name differently.
When that
strange man brought little Hotaru do our doorstep, it was like God had
answered our prayers. I never saw my wife so happy."
Hmmm. Little Hotaru's adopted? (shrugs) News to me. Is that a plot point to
the story or rooted into canon?
It's a plot point, actually. Hotaru was never said to be adopted in canon,
but she also bears no real resemblance to either of her parents, so I am
stretching. It's just another way for me to blend the backstories of both
YST and SM.
(googles it)
EDIT: Fic plot point.
Yep, but an important one! I just hope people remember this later.... ^_^
"Oniwabandana," he said into the still morning air, and paused as
he waited for a response.
still-morning (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
I don't think I can do that here - if compund the phrase that way, it
changes the meaning.
"the still-morning air" makes it sound as though I am saying it is "still
morning", as in "not yet lunchtime". What I am saying is that the "morning
air" is "still", which is to say that it is quiet and there is no wind.
Stupid words with more than one meaning, making my sentences all enigmatic.
:(
casting long bars of golden light across the piles
of laundry and scattered crates of Sailor V merchandise that littered her
floor.
Ah. Narcissistic, isn't she?
Hehe. Yeah, Minako has been known in the past to hock large amounts of her
own merchandise upon the other Senshi. It's also worth noting that the only
way Artemis was ever able to get Mina-chan to actually practice was to
design a "Sailor V" arcade game and trick Motoki into setting it up in the
Crown Game Centre.
Yeah, that game Usagi and the other Senshi were so obsessed with playing. It
was built by Artemis because Minako didn't feel like training but was so
narcissistic that she refused to let anybody have the high score on a
machine with her face on it except for her.
he ever did manage to run into Sailor V; he'd probably come across like
just another giddy fanboy. She probably had so many people wanting to be
her boyfriend that she had a different guy for every day of the week.
(chokes) God, that's a good one.
Well, she is something of a celebrity. As a famous idol and merchandising
icon, Sailor V would probably have her pick of boys. Minako Aino, on the
other hand, is just another overly excitable and slightly eccentric girl who
is prepared to swing from a chandelier just to get somebody to look at her.
Sailor V's own personal life is hampered slightly by the fact that she is
wanted by the police and would probably get arrested if she ever showed her
face in Japan again. ^_^
"You know something, Minako? You fall down *exactly* the same way
Usagi does."
That's a feat in and of itself.
Yeah, and in the exact same spot where Usagi always trips, too! What are the
odds? You'd almost think they were based off of each other, or something. :p
Please, Mamoru, tell me you have not been seduced by the promise of
easy money and beautiful women!"
That's a quotable quote if I ever saw one.
Minako spouts off stuff like that all the time. I really enjoy writing her,
even if she does cause migraines for hours afterward.
"Yeah, you remember Maya Touno, right, Minako? The famous taiko
drummer that Rei talked into helping out at that big festival a year or
two ago?"
Wow. So what are you doing, fic? Popping up Sailor Moon DVDs on the player
and then randomly selecting one-shot, two-shot, and recurring characters
>from the anime?
Nah, I'm mostly going off of my own recollection for these references.
Though I will admit that some careful research to refresh my memory every
now and again helps.
Still, if you're doing that from memory, that's quite a memory you got
there. I vaguely remember such a girl.
Yeah, she was one of Eudial's victims back in the S series. I remembered
her, but I had to look up her name on the Internet. Mainly because I really
liked that episode - it was nice to see Rei make a friend who was not one of
the Senshi.
Plus, the way that Minako was deliberately sabotaging the goldfish-catching
game in order to make a bigger profit was just funny. Not to mention how the
Inners all started sneaking around spying on Rei, and Minako started trying
to convince everybody else that Rei might be a lesbian because she on a
"date" with another girl. Lovely girl, our Minako.... :p
He winked at her playfully. "Hey, promise
not to tell Usagi and I'll buy a few tickets, myself. Unless you think it
might corrupt my noble soul, of course."
Usagi: IT DEFINITELY WILL! MINA-CHAAAAN! DON'T YOU DARE!
Step one in my plan to make Tuxedo Kamen less of a running joke in this fic
- I am trying to bring back a little more of Mamoru's old attitude. In the
first few seasons, Mamoru was actually a bit of a jerk with the way he used
to tease people. I figure that he would still be willing to poke a little
fun at the other Senshi - he only really stopped making fun of Usagi because
they started dating.
This whole thing had all the classic marks of another attack by
the forces of the Evil Dynasty. So, since his transfer from Japan Railways
to Tokyu Rail
Unless I'm mistaken and there's such a place/adjective/whatever as 'Tokyu',
then suggest: Tokyo Rail
No, "Tokyu Rail" is one of the several railways that service the city of
Tokyo. Specifically, the Tokyu Toyoko line is one of the lines that runs
from Shibuya Station (where Rei, Ami, Usagi, Shin, and Ryo were in chapter
1) to Yokohama Station. Once it reaches Yokohama, it changes names and
becomes known as the Minato Mirai line, a subway line that leads into the
local Chinatown (where Shuu lives).
Seiji normally lives in the city of Sendai, a city in the Miyagi prefecture.
This is deliberate, as Sendai was originally founded by the legendary
one-eyed samurai Date Masamune, whom Seiji is supposed to be descended from.
In order to reach Yokohama from Sendai, he would have had to take Japan
Railways into Tokyo and then transfer to the Tokyu line for the rest of the
trip. His transfer has been delayed because of the problems caused by Fei
Lian causing that train crash back in chapter 3.
The most important thing was to set up his home base and get in
touch with the rest of the gang. First, though, he had better stop by the
local temple to pray for a safe journey and the well-being of his
teammates.
Of course. Wouldn't want to ruin a perfectly 'setup-ed' plot point, now
would we?
Well, that and the fact that it is in-character for Seiji to do. He's a very
traditional and old-fashioned kind of gent - the sort who thinks a kimono
and wooden sandals is appropriate wear around the house. He would actually
consider praying for the safety of his friends to be a very good idea.
More specifically, he would probably be wanting to hang some ema on their
behalf in the hopes that it would protect them from their own rampant
stupidity. ^_^
Oh yeah, I would just like to mention that, despite the whole 'setup nearly
all the Samurai Troopers to a designated Senshi that _isn't_ already taken'
thing being blatantly cliche, I definitely applaud how you're going about
it.
Thanks! On the one hand, I know that it might seem a bit cliche for the
Troopers and Senshi to pair up. On the other hand, though, we are dealing
with a bunch of attractive, lonely teen-agers who have a lot in common with
each other. Considering how rabidly the Senshi chase after anything with a Y
chromosome and how possessive a number the Troopers get over any girl who
falls under ther aegis (Nasuti and Luna both come to mind), it only seems
natural that they would gravitate to each other.
There _are_ times when cliche can be handled in such a way that it wouldn't
feel so old, tired, predictable, and dull! Kudos.
I find the trick to it is that it doesn't seem like a cliche as long as it
is all in character for the people involved. My overall goal for these
"pairings" is to make sure that they all seem natural for the characters
involved and that each relationship is different. Ami and Ryo, for example,
should not have the same relationship that, say, Makoto and Touma do.
wall that stretched for miles. The fissure snaked for miles through the
Yeah. We get it. The cave is many miles long. Suggest: getting rid of the
second 'for miles' to avoid unnecessary redundancy.
Grammar Rule #9: Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies
endlessly
over and over again.
Grammar Rule #13: Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
necessary;
it's highly superfluous and can be excessive.
Grammar Rule #40: Proofread carefully to make sure you don�t repeat repeat
any
words.
Three rules broken at the same time? Ouch.
I swear that someday my writing will be so good that you will only be able
to find ONE thing with each sentence! >_<
Her senpai was seriously in
need of some looking after if he expected to be able to take care of her.
That last sentence doesn't make sense. Not in the 'car-wreck sentence' sort
of way, but in the 'ironic' sort of way. ^^;
Yeah, Makoto and Touma have developed an odd pattern where they take turns
protecting and/or saving each other. Touma saved Makoto from failing her
classes, Makoto saved Touma from Fei Lian, Touma saved Makoto from the
Medeans.... Whenever one of them is in trouble, the other comes to the
rescue, and then their roles inevitably switch.
The question here is whether it is possible for two people like Makoto and
Touma to *rely* on each other without becoming *dependant* on each other. It
may very well be that Toshitada Koma is right to be giving them such a hard
time, if their relationship takes a turn to the unhealthy. Let us not forget
that both of them are known for having an obsessive streak a mile wide....
^_~
Morpher Intsu (The Io Saga): As a by the way, none of them knew how to use
a match. Oh, and one of them is a Princess of Power, if memory serves me
correctly.
Well, canonically Sailor Jupiter used to rule from Io Castle, and it never
made too much sense to me how people could be expected to live on a gas
giant. The moons of Jupiter are surprisingly capable of supporting life,
though... with a bit of tweaking. :p
If she missed the introductory speeches, it took *forever* to figure out
what was going on.
Well, that makes sense.
A lot of people really liked this little joke. It really does seem like the
sort of thing Minako might actually rely on. ^_^
"Forget him, man!" the other boy with the shaggy hair replied
angrily. "We just gotta deal with this creep ourselves! Gramps, you get
Maya somewhere safe - we'll keep the guy in the hat busy!"
Grampa Hino: I have no dialogue in this scene whatsoever 'coz I'm not
important! (pouts prettily)
Hehe... I admit that Grandpa Hino might have gotten a bit shafted as far as
screen time went, but he really had very little to offer to the scene, and I
was concerned about the chapter length, so a lot of his dialogue (by which I
mean all of it) got cut for space.
Great; the monster could control his weapons
without needing to touch them. That was a very useful ability that Mamoru
was going to need to pick up, someday.
Well, you always got that Smoking Bomber thingy of yours.
Tuxedo Mask: Yeah, well shit. I'm out of luck. I'm anime-based.
LOL - yeah, anime-based Tuxedo Kamen has some serious levelling up to do if
he wants to reach manga Kamen's level. Even the Outer Senshi gave manga
Kamen his personal space. ^_^
"Better creatures than you have said those words," Mamoru replied
confidently. "The last time I checked, none of them were around any more."
Yeah, well that's kind of your future-wife's fault, really.
Mamoru: "Yeah, but why would I want to bring that up? If you force me to be
accurate, I won't have anything left to brag about!"
It's unfortunate that Tux-boy doesn't have as much firepower or abilities
as the Samurai Troopers or the Senshi.
True, Tuxedo Kamen is a bit lighter in the sheer power department. He's got
his cane and his roses, and that's about it. On the other hand, he's made it
pretty far with just the cards he's been dealt. The way I see it, the guy is
basically compensating for his lack of power with a veritable truckload of
skill.
I mean, he *is* a former jewel thief. His powers are built more towards
stealth and agility than the ability to give and take a beating.
The divine archer Shen Yi and his lover Chang O may
forgive you for what you have done here, but I won't!" With a flourish,
Sailor Venus tore the mask from her face and leapt from her lofty perch.
Aw. So for some inexplicable reason, she had the ol' mask on.
She was mainly doing it for dramatic reasons. And just in case anyone in the
audience slept through the series and wasn't aware that Sailor Venus is also
Sailor V. Sometimes I like to foreshadow stuff that isn't going to be
important for a while. ^_^
Sailor Venus: Inexplicable my butt! This is my first appearance as Sailor
Venus in this fic, so I'm going to make my entrance as grand as possible!
Yeah, what she said. ^_~
coruscating energy. His eyes were alive with violet fire, and his face was
drawn into a grim rictus
What's a rictus?
A "rictus" is a gaping grin or grimace that shows the teeth. It comes from
the Latin "ringi", meaning "to show the teeth". It is normally used to refer
to a very sinister and malignant smile, like the kind the Joker might use on
a regular basis. ^_^
breeze stirred weakly around them, fluttering Mamoru's cape and ruffling
Sailor Venus' skirt.
Sailor Venus: KYAAAA!
Fei Lian: "So... tired. Must... gather strength... to provide... panty
shot!" (faints)
"What did you do to him?" Venus asked, glaring at the youma as
she rose to her feet and clenched her fists.
"Who? Oh, him. I poisoned him, of course." Xiang Yao blinked and
IMO, it would make much more sense if you simply had Venus ask "What did
you to Tuxedo Mask?" so Xiang Yao's reply of "Who?" would make much more
sense.
The idea is supposed to be that Xiang Yao has already forgotten all about
him, not that she doesn't know his name. Much unlike Nise Suiko, Xiang Yao
couldn't care less about the people she has been sent to kill. As long as
they are not priests, at least. Priests are special to her.
Mainly because every time she runs afoul of one, she tends to end up inside
a certain box. ^_^
A single man walked the hallways,
Sailor Venus: A single man? Where? Is he cute?
Jadeite: "Nope, ugly as sin. Please go away immediately. Do not bother
checking to see if I am telling the truth...."
He had tried to warn Beryl not to freeze him. He had tried to
explain what he had discovered, but she had paid no attention to him.
Oh yeah. I vaguely remember that.
Yeah, Jadeite was the first of several SM villains to get wiped out right
after discovering something useful and right before he was able to share it
with anybody else. It's something of a disturbing trend amongst her enemies.
"Let's see," Jadeite muttered, scanning over the first few pages.
"Age sixteen, five feet, four inches tall... born July 30... Hmmm.
Usagi: (cheerfully tells Jadeite her sign) I'm a Cancer!
Jadeite: (raises an eyebrow) ...To society or to yourself?
LOL! I see you have Jadeite's persona down pat. ^_^
Killing people was easy. Hurting them? That was an art.
Good chapter. I can't wait for more. ^_^
Thanks! Hopefuly you're enjoying the rest by now, too. I'm working on
Chapter 10 - hopefully it will be done before the end of the month. I've
been threatened with violence if I take too long. :p
To Be Continued...
Woohoo! And unless you suddenly released a chapter or three in the middle
of things, there's only one more chapter to go for my C&Cing!
Nope, I think your backlog is just about off the hook. ^_^
Save for the extra grammar lesson, your batting average on broken grammar
rules (five) is back to form.
I need to work on that, though. Five just seems like too many for me.
Anyway, thanks as always for the reply! Looks like I'm nearly through my
backlog, too, so I say good job to both of us! ^_^
Later!
-Morgan Hudson
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