Hi, again! Working my way through these as best I can. :p
Ha. Talk about delayed; while we're at it, let's not.
I agree - let's have no talk about who is horribly late responding to who.
Homer Simpson: "It turns wives against husbands! Children against fathers!
Neighbours against me!"
But since I C&C stuff that's far more
delayed than this one, it's still good.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. Hopefully my own reply is still good, too.
^_^
Seriously, the second chapter is way harder than the first.
Damn straight. Then again, I see that these difficulties you've experienced
in creating a second chapter is made apparent by the myriad of errors not
found in the first chapter.
Did anyone else just hear an ominous crash of thunder?
More on this later.
Uh... Yay? ^_^
Well, those certainly don't sound like words I will live to regret... ^_^
Fred Gallagher and Krista Perry-Fisk: (shakes their heads in unison)
I don't think that's totally fair: I am WAY more punctual than Fred
Gallagher. :p
If it helps, send me a line letting me know. If it makes your eyes bleed,
send me a line letting me know. I'll take anything, as long as it is C&C.
(shrugs) And here you have it. Ah, that's right; your little formatting
experiment worked. It's now all better.
Yay! I'm very glad that worked. Of course, I still have no blessed idea what
caused it in the first place, but I figure if the dragon decides not to eat
you today you are better off being grateful than wasting your time trying to
figure out why.
The dragon didn't eat me! WOO! ^_^
Have I mentioned that I thrive on C&C?
Have I mentioned that I've made certain people who say 'C&C appreciated'
eat their words... whole and unsalted? ^_^
Really? So far, I'm finding your C&C very helpful and insightful. Of course,
you're also making a ton of work for me, but I figure I'm worth the extra
effort on my part. ^_~
Jeez, there's a lot of these 'opening credits' (as with the last time).
Suggest putting this in the author notes, so we asshole readers can easily
skip through
them. :P
Yeah, K'thardin gently requested I stop being such a rambling old geezer
after a few of these, so I decided to listen to him. He has this annoying
habit of always being right about stuff like that, and now I see that you
agree with him as well.
Oh, and as always, suggest putting in the names of Naoko Takeuchi and
Hajime Yamate in there as well; please? Even though they're merely the
respective _authors_ of Sailor Moon and YST.
Yes, yes, I know. Already fixed, as of the first time anyone drew my
attention to it. Namely you, in your last response. Strangely, nobody else
seemed to have noticed. I guess that just goes to show you how much
attention most of us pay to these things, eh?
Chapter 2: The Devils And The Deep Blue Sea
(ahem) When using the title case, as always, please make sure that
articles, conjunctions and whatnot are in small caps while verbs,
adjectives, and nouns are in large caps.
If you insist. Me, I just cap every word in the title because that's the way
I always have. If I'm wrong, then I will stop doing it. ^_^
Nise Suiko's mouth twisted with distaste. Every year, these grimy
little humans had the nerve to perform a 'purification' ritual in this
water. As if they had the right to decide what was and wasn't dirty; as if
filth could be expected to judge filth.
Ol' Nise has an interesting take on things. His little internal, unsaid
monologue almost sounds... profound.
Nise Suiko is a very interesting character to me. He's basically the
opposite of everything Shin Mouri stands for, and yet at the same time he's
very similar to him in almost every way. It's like he went so far in the
opposite direction that he ended up almost back where he started.
ghastly old priest wanted to see two seperate
seperate --> separate
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
I can't believe I fell for that one. That's got to be one of the most
commonly misspelled words in the English language! Next thing you know, I'll
be messing up "they're", "their" and "there".
Would you believe I actually make a living speaking this language? Been
doing it all my life. So much for the virtues of experience.... ^_^
The only thing left to do was be nice and obvious, just like
Badamon wanted. With a sneer of distaste, Nise Suiko thrust his arm
up into the sky. As he clenched his fist, red lightning crackled through
the sky
Suggest: sky --> heavens (to avoid slight redundancy of having two 'sky'
words
in one paragraph)
Good idea. I think I would change the first "sky" to "heavens", rather than
the second one.
I want you to come, Suiko no Shin! I want you here,
and I want you to bring every friend you've got!"
Suiko no Shin: ...Ick.
Nise Suiko: "NOT WHAT I MEANT! Although.... Ick."
Lightning split the sky and thunder
ripped through the abandoned beach as Nise Suiko threw his head back and
began to cackle. It was a crazed, warbling laugh, stretched on for much
longer than should have been possible without needing breath.
Nice and refreshing take on the classic 'maniacal laugh'. Thank you for not
opting to simply and lazily put there, "Nise Suiko laughed maniacally."
Thanks. Sometimes I take the time to describe things that everybody already
knows the appearance of, just to keep in practice. ^_^
Vepres cowered behind his coral, his blank eyes expressing a vague concern
for his continued well-being.
wellbeing (surprisingly, a dictionary-verifiable word/d-v-w; no need for
the comma in between 'well' and 'being')
Actually, it's a hyphen, not a comma. HA! Vengeance!
Seriously, though - that's an actual word? Nuts! Now I've gone and learned
something, and I nearly made it through the whole week without needing to
gain any new information. :p
There was absoulutely
I've never seen that word (absolutely) spelled that way. Incidentally, is
that
its Commonwealth spelling or is that just a typographical error kind of
spelling?
That's what it looks like when someone from the Commonwealth botches up his
spelling. :(
Minako doesn't want him to know that we may up to something again, or you
Add 'be' in between 'that we may' and 'up to something'.
Grammar Rule #38: Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
That seems to be my favourite Grammar Rule... I never go a chapter without
seeing it... :p
"She also wanted you to know that if you're expecting any
trouble, she and Michiru can get to Yokohama in under twenty minutes."
Suggest: any trouble; she and Michiru (substitute the comma after 'trouble'
with a semicolon)
I don't a semicolon would be right, here: it's more of a stop than is
required, and would seriously break the flow of the sentence. If I had to
remove the comma, I think I would rather not replace it with anything at
all.
Ami winced. This was the bad part of the report. "Not really.
She's not at home, and when I tried to reach her cell phone it just went
straight to her voicemail. As far as I can tell, she doesn't even have her
communicator on her - I tried using that, too, and didn't even get a
signal. Haruka said that she stopped by their place yesterday
Whose place? Makoto's or Michiru's?
Haruka: "Shh! Are you TRYING to get me in trouble?"
Michiru: "What is the nice reader trying to imply, dear?"
Haruka: "Don't ask me - I'm barely even in this fic!"
Michiru: "At least you're in it. I've barely even been mentioned."
Hotaru: "I'm an infant."
Setsuna: "So what? I'm MISSING, and the only person who cares is from the
other series!"
Haruka: "Hey, don't get mad at us! We're not the ones who demoted your
planet!"
Setsuna: "You do NOT want to be bringing that up right now...."
As the Yoroi Senshi of Suiko, his armour's magic gave him a supernatural
affinity for the water. If his evil twin wanted to try anything, then Shin
would be waiting nearby to counter it and show Nise Suiko exactly who was
the *real* master of the seas.
The brief recap of who's who and what's what is duly appreciated. It's nice
to know that the author is catering to the YST-unbriefed masses of anime
fandom.
They are legion, believe me. Sometimes it seems that more people find out
about the YST through my fic than vice-versa, which is awesome to me. It
really is part of the purpose of fanfic, I think - introducing people to a
series that is really cool, but which they may not have usually given a
chance.
I'm like a walking YST advertisment! Sailor Moon less so, but only because
everyone already knows about them. Except for people who have been trapped
under rocks for the last sixteen years, of course. :p
"Hey, Shin! How's tricks?" Safely ensconced in inflatable rubber,
'How's tricks'? I'm not really familiar with the term. Care to enlighten
me, dear author?
It's a slang term, basically meaning "How are things going for you today?".
Opinions for where it comes from are many - some point to the idea of
magicians or card sharks, who would ask each other "how are the tricks?" as
a way of asking how well one's deceptions were working. Of course,
prostitutes also used to refer to their clients as "tricks" (as in "turning
tricks"), so it may have begun as a way for one hooker to ask another how
well she was doing that day. "Trick" is also a nautical term referring to a
shift of work in general - some sailors may have started asking "how was the
trick?" to ask whether a fellow seaman's shift had gone well. Mobsters also
used to call any kind of scam or scheme a "trick", so asking "how's tricks?"
might also have started as an obscure way to ask a fellow crook if he had
any crimes in the making without coming out and saying something that could
get one arrested.
Slang terms come from weird places, and this one's been in common use since
at least 1924. It's one of those phrases that used to be quite vulgar and
lowbrow, but which people now use without even blinking.
And now I've made YOU learn something, so we're even. ^_^
"Oh, I'd never dream of kidding you," Shin assured his friend.
Clearly, Shuu was a little self-conscious. "Heading over to that big
rock shaped like a hat? It's a bit of a way - we'd go faster if I gave you
a lift." Sitting up, Shin scooched
Scooched? Shouldn't that be 'scooted' or something? Is that even a word?
According to the Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary:
"scooch (verb) : To move one's body, as in "scooch over," or to move
something, as in "My cat always scooches things off counters".
Example: Everyone scooch together so I can get you all into the picture."
As of September 2006, the Oxford English Dictionary now includes "scooch" as
a word, too. ^_^
"Badly, as usual. Guy nearly threw a fit trying to convince me
to let him come out here and get part of the action. I told him he was
better off sticking to the beach - Ryo and water don't exactly mix."
....Like oil? Like a chunk of sodium?
Like a chunk of sodium. In Episode 6 of the YST anime, Ryo dives into the
ocean to rescue Shin from an attack by Dynasty Soldiers and his armour
malfunctions so badly that it first seizes up, and then starts to actually
hurt him. It also becomes about as useful as tissue paper - his attacks
lose all their power and he has absolutely no defense against Naaza or any
of the Dynasty Soldiers.
The episode before that, Naaza had splashed acidic venom in his eyes and
blinded him. And before *that* he got the crap beat out of him by Nasuti's
demonically-possessed grandfather. All told, he was having a pretty crappy
week. ^_^
Besides which, she had the advantage of being above the crowds, and one of
the best perks of being Sailor Mercury was that she could provide her own
air conditioning.
And bubble baths. Let's not forget the bubble baths.
You wouldn't know it to look at her, but Ami Mizuno is secretly the queen of
keeping her cool. :p
If something didn't happen soon to boost Usagi's power back
up again, it would not be long before she would be unable to become Sailor
Moon at all.
Now that's an interesting plot point.
Others did not think that way, so I have agreed to put it on the backburner
for a while. It will be coming up again, though, now that I've dropped a few
more hints about *why* she might be weaker all of a sudden...
He wore the
word 'hot' like it was a nametag. Somehow, he gave off the impression that
if he went into the ocean he would generate steam.
If I didn't know better, I'd say that this was a rabid fangirl's fanfic.
Thank God you know better. Ryo's actually not even my favorite Trooper. He
does, however, have the same Japanese voice actor as both Trunks from
Dragonball Z and Sho Fukamachi from The Guyver, so he tends to get a fair
number of squealing fangirls flocking to him. ^_^
His english voice actor was Captain N the Game Master! And, uh... Kero from
Cardcaptors.... ^_~
Ryo: "So... does anyone else feel an odd craving for cake?"
Usagi: "Why, yes. Yes I do."
Ami had no idea how to let
him know that she was very busy saving the world and had no time for that
at the moment. Also, that he would need to call her back after she was
done saving things and could clear her schedule.
Heh. Though I'm a bit 'disappointed' at this point... Not yours or the fic
faults, but my own, 'coz by this time I was expecting Ami to clue-in to the
reader that when she says 'hot' and 'steamy', she meant it in literal terms
(that is, the guy actually has firepower not unlike Mars or something, and
Ami can sense it).
Oh, that's the joke. She actually *is* sensing his fire powers - that's why
she can only think of him in hot and steamy terms. Their elements actually
bleed through into how people percieve them - that's why Ryo is energetic
and impulsive, Shin is calm and deep, and Shuu is solid and dependable.
The thing is that Ryo is also the Samurai Trooper of Virtue (sometimes
translated as Righteousness), and Ami is picking up on that, too. Ryo is
basically wearing a sign around his neck that says "I AM A DASHING HERO -
PLEASE ALLOW ME TO RESCUE YOU". Considering how most of the Inner Senshi
have varying degrees of crushes on Tuxedo Kamen, it's a safe bet that
someone like that would be straight up Ami's alley.
She says she wants a boyfriend "like a young Einstein", but the mental image
she keeps forming when she says that is definitely not of a boy like Umino
or Mercurius. What she seems to actually want is a bona-fide hero, and Ryo
fits that role so well it's like they measured the costume especially for
him.
"Hi," the boy said calmly, as he lifted a paper cup filled with
shaved ice. "My name's Ryo Sanada. Want some ice? You look a little hot."
Heh. Cute scene.
I like Ryo. He can be so dense that he actually manages to get it by
ACCIDENT, sometimes. ^_^
**********
"All right, off you get," Shin said cheerfully, as Shuu clambered
Uh, 'off you get'? Shouldn't that be, 'off you go'? Or is this yet another
colloquialism that I don't know about?
Shin uses a lot of terms that are not quite what people are used to. I've
peppered his speech quite liberally with various colloquialisms from the
United Kingdoms. Which is a fancy way of saying that he talks like he's
British.
I have two reasons for doing it: 1) Shin actually was given a (vaguely)
British accent in the dub, and
2) Shin Mouri was known in YST for always speaking in especially formal and
polite Japanese at all times. It was one of the ways they made him different
from the other Troopers, to show that he was more refined and had better
manners. Giving him a British accent is the closest you can come in English
to representing that impression through his speech.
Technically, I should have Touma talking in that godawful Brooklyn accent
they use in the dubs whenever someone is from Osaka, but I just can't bring
myself to do it. :(
suit, too. They called it their 'undergear': not their full armour, but
enough to make a real difference if trouble popped up unexpectedly.
Batman: That's what I call my costume too. My 'undergear'.
Superman: I'm rather fond of 'athletic tights' myself.
Wonder Woman: I have no excuse. What I'm wearing is _definitely_ underwear.
LOL! Wonder Woman needs no excuse for dressing like that. If anything, she
needs a good excuse for why she spent most of the Forties getting tied up in
her own lasso and spanked by various enemies. ^_^
"Hold on a tick," Shin muttered,
Shaggedelic use of Commonwealth Colloquialisms, baby.
Yeah, like I said, Shin uses phrases like this a lot in this fic. Be alert
for the end of the chapter, where he actually manages to call Nise Suiko a
"blackguard" with a straight face. ^_^
"Well," he said primly, "it seems pretty bloody clear to me that
you little chaps are out of your element. Not sure it's quite proper, the
way you're all wriggling about like that: plantlife ought to know its
Suggest: plant-life
Did you, by any chance, watched a UK/Australian/whatever dub of YST? ^-^
No, sadly this was the Ocean Studios dub for North America. Shin just
happened to have been given a British accent in it. Like I explained
earlier, I understood why they decided to do it and I didn't really see any
reason not to do the same. If nothing else, it really helps people know when
Shin is talking, and it serves to make him stick out from the other
characters.
Hehe... don't forget that in the first chapter, Nise Suiko accused Shin of
letting Sailor Mars fight his battles for him, and said that it was "not
very cricket". ^_^
"Ah, give them a chance," a sickeningly familiar voice said from
behind him. "You never know, they might grow on you."
How are they still talking underwater without subtitles? :P
They're both BREATHING underwater, and you're bothered about the
transmission of sound? O_O
Shin no Suiko is the Samurai Trooper of Water: his armour's powers allow him
to breathe underwater, withstand the pressures of the oceans depths, talk to
the fishes... you know, all the usual Aquaman stuff, but with cooler
clothes. Since he and Nise are exact doubles, they both have similar
abilities. If you insist, let us merely assume that they are communicating
with each other in the same way that they can "speak" to a dolphin or a
shark.
In other words, a wizard did it. Moving on.... ^_^
A metal-clad fist flashed out of the
silt, slamming into his face with enough force to make his ears ring.
More to the point, how come their punches can still have the same impact
underwater as over the water? I mean, wouldn't all that water and air
pressure buffer their attacks even a _little_ bit?
They don't have the same impact, actually: they would have MORE. Shin and
Nise are both at maximum power when they are in the water, so being at the
bottom of the ocean is actually increasing their overall strength
exponentially compared to when they are on land.
Besides, a Great White shark lives underwater, and it can still hit the side
of a wooden boat hard enough to punch a hole through its hull and sink it. A
dolphin or porpoise can ram someone hard enough to break their ribs or stop
their hearts, too. Being underwater may buffer things a bit, but if those
fists are moving hard enough and fast enough, they will still be able to
cause damage.
"Go stuff yourself," Shin spat back, and hurled himself back into
Tsk. Those damn censors and their lame replacement 'profanity'.
Nah, that's just Shin being British again. That's actually still offensive,
to them. ^_^
Shin responded by punching his double in the stomach and then
bringing both fists down on the base of Nise Suiko's skull.
Did YST have an episode where Shin moved un-buffered by the dense water and
intense water pressure?
At least two that I can think of: Episode 6 ("Counterattack! Ultra Wave
Crusher!") and Episode 25 ("Showdown! The Two Torrents"). Shin does get a
bit more underwater time in the second OAV, but most of that is out of his
armour, and thus does not count. He was not exactly the main character of
the series, so he really only got a handful of episodes that focused on him
specifically.
More than most of the Inner Senshi ever got, though.... ^_^
(that is, I find these 'special abilities' as realistic as a Looney Tunes
Cartoon; ridiculous cartoon physics and all that).
Yeah, I know - sometimes the CATS even TALK LIKE PEOPLE. What are those
crazy Japanese cartoon people thinking? Everyone knows animals can't really
talk! Man, I don't know about you, but my suspension of disbelief has been
utterly ruined by this whole thing.... ^_~
Shin advanced, and the woozy Nise Suiko extended his hand, fingers
spread wide. The ocean warped, and Shin gasped as a vortex of water sprang
up around him.
Nise Suiko: (remembers) Oh yeah! We're underwater. Couldn't tell with all
this 'defying the laws of physics' stuff going on...
I'm honestly confused why this is causing you so much trouble. We've got a
MAGICAL SAMURAI fighting his EVIL DEMON TWIN underwater, and you're really
this bothered by the lack of proper fluid dynamics? That is the part of the
scene that seems unrealisitic to you?
Shin had gone down almost eight minutes ago.
Yeah? Reading it felt like it's been centuries. No offense man, but... the
whole thing was a drag.
Now that you mention, I noticed that you seemed less than enthused with the
whole thing. :p
(Not to mention my suspension of disbelief that went out of whack once I
began reading those two... twins battling it out--and talking--under the
sea as if they were on the ground, unhampered by millions of gallons of
water.
Really? I hadn't noticed. ^_^
What is this, the freakin' Little Mermaid?) I'll delve more on this
particular point later.
In other news, Sailor Pluto can stop the flow of time by concentrating
really hard, and none of the Samurai Troopers' armours are historically
accurate for the time period they were supposed to be built in. Did I
mention how a bunch of magical fairy people used to live on the Moon?
It's not the Little Mermaid, but it's not exactly Babylon 5, either. Large
swathes of the core concepts behind these shows will not stand up well to
scientific scrutiny.
*sigh* Can't we all just agree that a wizard did it? No? Fine - no more
underwater battles for Shin. I'll try to make sure he stays in the shallow
end from now on. ^_~
Dark energy and evil intentions were like signal flares for him, and he
was getting a very familiar tingle between his eyes that
told him that
whatever they had been waiting for, it was about to happen.
That's a nice bit of exposition; it's a fresh take on the tired ol' cliche
of
'A flash of lightning seemed to hit Ryo Sanada in between the eyes; he
sensed that trouble was certainly brewing.'
Thanks again! I try really hard not to be *too* cliche, even when I am using
something so blatantly cliche. :p
"I thought we were the only ones who had those things," Mercury
muttered to herself and rubbed the turqouise
turquoise (I'm fairly sure 'turqouise' isn't a Commonwealth spelling)
Nah, that's just good, old-fashioned "bad" spelling. You can get that
anywhere. ^_^
After all, she was supposed to be a superhero, of sorts,
when she was able to do it, and if there was one thing that Sailor Moon
was known for, it was keeping a cool head in all situations.
Heh. But according to the first episode of the anime, Usagi wailing and
bellyaching is actually an attack of some sort.
Yeah, I know: she's actually going to use that attack before this story is
done. I can say that, because she already has. ^_^
If Rei found out that she
had broken down and cried again, she was going to make Usagi put more
money in that stupid jar of hers.
Heheheh. Cute.
Seemed like something Rei would think of, and Usagi would be forced into
doing. Hey, if it works for swearing, why not whining? ^_^
The second time he touched down on a broken piece of surfboard
Suggest: For the second time (add 'for' before 'the second time')
But this is not the second time that he touched down on a surfboard. It is
the second time he touched down, and this time it was on a surfboard. If I
wrote "for the second time he touched down on a broken piece of surfboard",
it would sound like he had done it before.
I think. Then again, if I had thought it was wrong the first time I had
written it, I wouldn't have written it that way. I mean, I don't do these
things on purpose. You're probably right. :p
Ryo hit the water with in a wave of slimy algae, water and plants
Ryo hit the water with... what?
The "with" is not supposed to be there. Remnants of an earlier sentence that
was cropped out and combined with another to make this one. The problem is
that I cropped it too late, and an extra word popped in.
Yet again, you're missing a word. Proofread is the key to avoiding this
basic mistake, my friend.
Ha-ha! This time, I have an EXTRANEOUS word! Totally different problem. Same
solution, though. *sigh*
"Hi!" the girl chirped. "I'm Sailor Moon. Warrior of justice and
defender of the Earth - not to mention love, purity, and all things just
plain awesome. Ring a bell?"
Heh.
Many people felt that this was one of her best entrances so far. Although
some people got her confused with Sailor Venus at first. :p
Rule number two of being a Senshi was that any time there
was something this big going on, there was always one guy behind it. Dust
the main bad guy, and all the little ones would go away. It worked every
time, except for the occasions when it did not.
(sweatdrop) As opposed to...?
The odd thing is that Usagi's logic holds together very well as long as you
do not expose it to any outside opinions or open suspicion. ^_^
Sometimes people forgot
that Usagi was the oldest and most experienced of the Senshi (except for
Minako, who didn't count because Usagi said so).
Hmmm. I like your portrayal of Usagi this time around compared to the
previous chapter...
Well, I'm glad to hear that she's improving. By the end, she'll be so firmly
Usagi that other people will go forth and write fics where Sailor Moon is
not a useless crybaby!
What can I say? I live in hope. It's a nice place; just around the corner
from "total delusion". :p
as Sailor Mars lunged forward, fire trailing from her fingers like
twisting ribbons of plasma. To his left there was an explosion of
frost-tippped
tipped (extra 'p')
You have a tendency to tap the keyboard thrice when all you need is to do
it twice.
Not usually, I don't, but it does seem to be a real problem in this chapter.
>_<
"SAILOR BODY ATTACK!" Sailor Moon hurtled through the air once
more, slamming her shoulder into his abdomen while he was off balance
Suggest: off-balance
'Sailor Body Attack?' So she's now, what, Rey Misterio Jr., doing a
cross-body, luchadore style?
No, this would be more of a shoulder block, actually. Not exactly a
luchadore move, but pretty common in some of the more old-school wrestling
books.
Or, god forbid, a Nacho Libre-style of body attack? Kidding aside, isn't it
supposed to be called, "Sailor Moon Body Slam", despite the fact that it's,
er, more juvenile-sounding (but more canon) than your version?
But it's not a body slam. At no point does she pick them up off of their
feet and slam them down to the mat. Besides, a quick trip to Google got me
about five different webpages that all insist that "Sailor Body Attack" is
the canon term, including both Wikipedia and Hitoshi Doi's site. I agree
that it still sounds stupid, but it *does* seem to be an accepted name for
this particular move.
Ryo soared into the air trailing streamers of flame. At the apex
of his leap, the flaming Rekka Ken spun above his head, crackling with
energy as he hung above Vepres like the hammer of judgement
Unless it's a commonwealth spelling, I believe it's supposed to be
'judgment'.
"Judgement" is the proper Commonwealth spelling. It is mostly Americans who
That, as far as any of them would be able to recall afterwards,
had been when the world ended. First there had been the bang, a bang so
(shrugs) Suggest: bang --> explosion
Okay, but I was kind of going for a reference to the Big Bang in terms of
the impression it was leaving on people. I think changing the "bang" will
make me have to re-do the whole sentence, since I will lose the reference.
all-consuming that it felt as if it might have been the biggest bang since
the first one.
Ryo: (just had the 'biggest bang since the first one')
Sailor Mercury: (incensed, blushes furiously)
Same here. bang --> explosion
Yeah, see, I was doing that on purpose. Since it clearly didn't work, I'll
drop it.
"I think I ate somebody's flip-flop," Usagi moaned, placing her
hand on her stomach and coughing out a mouthful of sand. "Rei, are we
dead?"
"No, Usagi."
(sigh) And here we are again with fanfic's tradition of having the girls
name each other through their real names instead of senshi names.
Is two chapters really enough to make a tradition? I was hoping it would at
least be downgraded to "trend" or "tendancy."
Gee, "tradition" almost makes it sounds like something I should keep doing
for no discernable reason. After all, it's tradition, isn't it? ^_^
"Oh." Sailor Moon looked relieved for a moment, then slowly
changed her look to one of concern. "Rei?"
"Yes, Usagi?"
"Why are we not dead?"
XD
A lot of people liked that exchange. I was kind of fond of it, myself. ^_^
"If Nise Suiko is involved, then you can count us in, too," Shin
said, stepping forward and putting his hands on his hips. "I'll be blowed
Suggest: blown/blown away/whatever (unless it's yet another Commonwealth
term/colloquialism that I'm unfamiliar with).
"I'll be blowed" is actually a Commonwealth term. It's along the lines of
"I'll be damned", only slightly less vulgar (or at least it USED to be,
before people invented euphemisms). Ever heard the song "Yo, ho, blow the
man down"? It was not as dirty as it sounds, even if sailors did enjoy
singing it an awful lot.
Though, really, you should think of a better way of saying that. ^_^
The sad thing is, I didn't think of it until everyone else started pointing
it out to me.
Hmmm. From your excellent batting average of only five grammar rules
broken, this chapter has added an extra broken grammar rule and two
footnote grammar lessons. I guess this came from this fic being rushed, and
I'm fairly sure you've done better in the later chapters.
Gah. This was beyond the shadow of a doubt, my worst chapter until the next
one. :p
I'll admit, this one I rushed, and I should not have. I'm not too surprised
about the number of issues you had with it - very few people liked this one.
It's just a shame that so many sub-plots are dependant on it, or I would try
to sweep it under the rug.
Ah, well - every story has a weak link, and hopefully this was my one bad
chapter. I'm sure all the rest will be absolutely stellar (he said,
hopefully). ^_^
Your fic Usagi, as usual, had a wonderful portrayal. Though (as I've
mentioned before) admittedly her characterization is very different from
how I would picture her after reading through the manga or watching the
anime.
The thing is, Usagi is a very mutable character. Is this how she acted in
the anime? Well, which season are we talking about? This Usagi has a lot
more in common with the Usagi from, say, SuperS than she does with the one
from Stars, I will admit, but even from one episode to the next Usagi can
show many different sides to her personality.
I think the main problem is that until very recently there just didn't seem
to be any reason in this fic for Usagi to be feeling espeically put upon or
threatened. I mean, her relationship with Mamoru is steady (for once), she's
not in school, she's not specifically being targeted by any monsters, and
she's hanging out with her two best friends in a different city with no
adult supervision. Why would she be upset or whiny under those
circumstances? Nothing is really going wrong yet! ^_^
(Pffft. Judging by your fic, the manga, and the anime, that's three
different sets of characterizations for Usagi right there).
You forgot the live-action Usagi. That makes four. ^_^
Keep on writing.
Oh, I wouldn't dare stop at this point! My readers would track me down and
lynch me! ^_^
Later!
-Morgan Hudson
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