Abdiel wrote:
Save for the Spiffy-New Disclaimer, I'll be brief. Fix your formatting.
See if Notepad helps.
Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.
And here's one of my oldest victims by frequency of feedback. ^_^
Heh.
On 8/29/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:
[Last Chapter: Man Beat made his bid for control of the ALF, Ryouga
(raises an eyebrow) A villain that's perfect for Marvel's (60's-70's version)
Power Man.
Man Beat: Can you feel the FUNK?!
Man Beat --> Man Beast
Man Beast: GORE! GORE! GORE!
Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.
Eyes go right over those things. Why one needs proofers no matter what. :)
�Don�t tell me you�re going in again?� Kiyoshi Sogabe asked.
Ichiro Nikaido made certain his fellow scientist could see his smile
through the hazmat suit�s clear faceshield.
(shrugs) Correct me if I'm wrong, and I usually am: face-shield
% Not sure. I'd have to look it up.
Also of note (as I said in the last C&C) is the amount of 'new, fashionable'
anime you've watched. Once, I made Miashara feel old by the 'latest' anime
references I made in my C&C of his work; now you're doing the same thing to me
with all these new batches of unfamiliar characters that I guess came from the
latest fansubs/imports/downloads/whatnot. Then again, I may be barking up the
wrong tree and this is an original character.
% Original indeed. Just needed to establish the existance of Culture
1201 and it's danger in the latest chapter.
Besides, new characters packaged with new plot points foreshadowed in this
scene are always welcome.
% Well, more along the lines of just a plot point.
Ichiro gave a dismissive wave. �You and your foreign influences. Give an
example from Japanese literature next time.� He laughed and headed to
the lab.
And have it whiz by the heads of the English-speaking readers? That's not good
form in writing that caters to a specific audience, Ichiro.
% And the author isn't up on Japanese literature anyway.
�Shit, I�ve got to get down there.� Kiyoshi turned away from the monitor.
Just as he was about to leave the security room he head the guard gasp.
head --> heard
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Hmmm. Your fic was spellchecked real well, but the proofreading seems a bit
off, methinks.
% Yeah. Gives you something to do. :)
Kiyoshi stared at his supervisor, Tetsuki, a middle-aged man of no
talent whose only reason for being head of the department was that he
had written a paper thirty years ago that had garnered enough attention
for him to be proclaimed the next Petrie. Only it turned out to be more
in the vein of Walli instead of Julius.
Methinks I'm just going to have to Wiki that someday to get the reference.
That, or go old-fashioned and leaf through an encyclopedia. As is, I have no
idea.
% Had to stretch for that one, as there are not many famous Petries
otuside of Juluis. Walli was a muscian, I believe.
He rather liked his job and his seven-figure salary, and going public
with the fact one�s pharmaceutical company had its own workers falling
over dead from its experimental research was not conductive to inspiring
trust in the populace�s eyes. Nor would it be conductive to him finding
a new job. Lots of people might say they found whistleblowers admirable,
but not to the point of hiring them.
conductive --> conducive
conductive = electrically transmittable
conducive = favorable, advantageous, beneficial
% Oops. Do that one from time to time.
�Well, yes, they would make a fine couple,� Soun admitted, trying to
figure out how to restart his opening monologue.
Heh. Nice repetition. I only remember you using this 'copy-paste' format one
other time, so at the very least it's used in moderation. As such, you pick the
right times for using the literary device.
% Thanks, and as he mentions this was a speech he had prepared
beforehand, so that's why he keeps thinking the same liniar thought.
Soun nodded in agreement. Everyone knew that if a woman wasn�t married
by thirty, she probably never would. Oh, some of the new breed of
salarywoman might disagree and claim there was nothing wrong with
getting married later on,
Seeing the rampant... and there's no other way of describing it... pedophilia
(named 'cutely' as lolicon by the locals) in Japan, I sincerely doubt it.
% Heh.
Soun was momentarily taken off track. �Actually, I don�t think the age
difference is important. After all, your mother was younger than me, and
it still worked out for us.�
Whatsername-Tendo-Mother-from-your-other-fairly-epic-fanfic': (talking to Soun)
I was a victim of circumstances, and you're the circumstances.
% Nah. This was covered in the first 'chapter' when Soun replayed it in
his mind. She definitely 'settled' for him, since the guy she was really
interested in wasn't going to propose and she wasn't getting any
younger. Soun is convined it was all an act, though. :)
�Well, yes, that is true,� Soun admitted.
�It�s a great deal of common ground they share. A cornerstone of a
marriage is having common interests, is it not?�
�Yes, yes it is,� Soun agreed.
Cool. Three-way Tennis... and Soun's the ball.
% Heh.
Ukyou went from standing over him in anger to shock. Then she whined,
�Owww,� and held her hand. �I think it�s broken. And I definitely
chipped a nail. You�re so, bad, Ranchan, making me lose my temper like
Heh. I liked the awkward clipping of 'bad' in the sentence. But if it's
unintentional, y'know what to do.
% unintentional and will do.
Ukyou seemed taken aback. After the surprise passed, she considered it.
�No, I don�t think so. I had a lot of resentment against Ranchan for a
long time, and while I�m glad it turned out he wasn�t responsible for
abandoning me, I�ve sort of moved past him.�
This new, Captain America-wannabe Ranma should have told her she's kind of
cute. That one phrase convinced Ukyo, a portion of the Ranma fandom, and Jose
Argao that there's a great chance that she and Ranma were meant to be.
% Heh.
They let the matter drop. It didn�t take long for the class to arrive at
the auditorium. It was only half filled when they arrived,
Hmmm. I always thought it to be half emp--AAAARRRGGGHH! (gets flattened by a
Dojo Destroyer)
Dojo Destroyer: I hate cliche.
% Depends on POV, dontcha know.
belt with several mechanical devices dangling from it. Goggles over
the eyes hid the figure�s identity, and two slender, artificial-looking
antenna sprouted from the cowl.
Suggest: antenna --> antennae
It's Kamen Rider and Mothra's love child!
% Ha! Good way to describe it.
microphone, his proboscis knocked it over. Cursing, he moved the
faceplate of the costume upward, revealing a very handsome male face,
bishonen in nature. Several blonde locks poked out from underneath the
helmet.
blonde --> blond
No matter how effeminate he may seem, it's still blond (masculine) instead of
blonde (feminine).
% Too true, and the first blond guy I've use in a while.
A voice said, �Don�t you mean dissection? Vivisections are performed on
living animals. Dissection is when they�re dead.�
Ah, so we actually performed frog vivisections in my high school, apparently.
(waves nostalgic on a classmate who proclaimed 'Finish Him!' on the vivisected
frog and its still-beating heart)
% Yuck. That I would not have liked to do.
The Butterfly stared murderously at the crowd. �This is not a
negotiation, this is an ultimatum! Do not doubt our will.
Tsk. And he was doing so well in recruiting the homogenized Japanese youth to
his cause too...
% These guys are not upper-tier villains by any stretch of the imagination.
costume and threaten people. What the heck is a humbug anyway?�
The Butterfly tilted Humbug�s chin upward and he flashed a dazzling
smile. �Only the most beautiful creature in the world, my dear Haruhi.�
Humbug remained unmoved, though the same couldn�t be said for the
majority of girls within earshot who voiced their approval regarding
bishonen relationships. Guys within earshot made retching noises.
(checks Wikipedia) Ah. Ouran High School Host Club. As in Fujioka Haruhi.
Almost thought this was a male version of Suzumiya Haruhi because the rather
catchy title of 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' was running in my head.
(reads the wiki article further). Oh, and this Haruhi's a girl too, though a
bit androgynous. Like David Letterman, you sure keep up with current
events--er, anime.
% Actually, I only watched the first ep, not a big shoujo fan, though I
did enjoy Peach Girl very much. In any case I knew I had to use them
somewhere, and this was where it turned out to be.
% Most of the main villains are still serious old school. Bullseye and
Nitro are coming up soon and you'll see what I mean.
Nabiki tried to punch him, but Happosai darted out of midair, hit the
ground, jumped back up and attached himself to her breasts. He instantly
began snuggling them, much to Nabiki�s outrage.
Nabiki: One of the privileges that I got from the original series is _never_
being glomped by Happosai. Ever. (Waves her fist at the sky) DAMN YOU, SOMMER!
% Once she became a fighter, he became fair game, ditto with Kasumi, as
Happi groped her as well.He got fried for it, too.
Happosai leapt away from Nabiki�s attack, springboarding into the top of
(shrugs) Suggest: spring-boarding/ executing a springboard
�You bastard. You KO�d my brother!� The Battling Bantam began living up
to his namesake,
There's actually a villain called 'Battling Bantam'? Jeez, they sure cheesed-up
the superhero names way back when.
% Hero, actually. It was during one of Marvel's 'Annuals must have a
theme' phase. That time the writers were forced to come up with new
characters. Maybe one of them new ones made more than one apperance that
wasn't a joke. Battling Bantam wasn't one of them.
Luke Cage: You said it, sucka.
% That was an alia, you know. He was a wanted man and couldn't use it.
Lucas something.
The Butterfly lowered his faceplate and its sharpened proboscis. �You
idiot! He�s a guy, not a girl.�
�Oh no, I�m a girl,� Humbug said calmly.
Ah, there we go. I didn't need to google or wiki after all. Being able to show
the back story of unfamiliar characters without further research is a welcome
relief to many a lazy reader.
% You're welcome.
�I see,� Ranma said. Current buffoons aside, that sounded like a
potential problem. This was a matter he was going to have to look into
as an Avenger.
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
So it's the PETA Extremists vs. the Glorified Super-powered Vigilantes.
Alrighty then. In regards to grammar and spelling of your fic: Well, at the
very least, you don't suffer from dyslexia. Thing is, you've broken...
As for the story itself: It was nice. The interaction between both familiar and
unfamiliar characters were great, though I must admit that a lot of the humor
behind the unfamiliar characters were lost to me, thus detracting a bit from my
enjoyment of the fic. Nonetheless, it's a solid read, and a fic must expand by
being on top of current anime, methinks.
% True, I tried to make it blatant, but if it works, then it does, and
if not, oh well.
Sure, an argument could be made about you drawing your canvas a bit too wide,
having so many characters and plotlines that it's difficult to keep track of
everything, but by keeping the story focused on your main characters and using
the oh-so-convenient and turn-based villain-of-the-chapter or
boss-villains-of-the-arc formula to balance the conflict out, I do believe that
you've avoided the 'wide-canvas' pitfall. A perfect mixture of comics, as well
as vintage and recently-released anime: this fic of yours sure is a strange
animal, Mr. Sommer.
% Well, I've been trying darn hard to lay down subplots and use them as
time goes on. The last chapter has a refernce to a Mr. Comrade's
sattellite system that is a major plot point in the next major arc. Irie
and Hound were introduced way back in the Hulk chapter in Act 2 so that
they would be used here. Etc etc. It should all make sense by the end,
even Happi's reappearance here.
Speaking of animals, I particularly liked Man Beast when he first appeared in
the last chapter. There's a lot of potential for that feral but sophisticated
villain. He's suave but deadly, like that fat albino guy Mandragora that I
chanced upon in Justice League Unlimited, or a hybrid of Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde. Can't wait to see him battle with the heroes. And the
oneshot-twoshot-recurring villains from the myriad of anime you've watched and
referenced in this fic is a great template to move the story along. Yeah, it's
reminiscent of the just-inferred 'monster of the chapter' format, only
substitute 'monster' with 'group' or 'latest anime series', but at the very
least the inherent geekiness of your readers will love the contemporary
allusions. :P
% Well, nearly all of the 'serious' villains are tied into the plots in
someway. Ouran leads to the Avengers finding out about Man Beast and the
Ani-Men an example.
Well-written as always, and I've run out of praise to heap on it.
As such, kudos. Keep on writing.
% Thanks. Just sent out the latest chapter. Hope you enjoy. The last two
were sort of shorter, so you should be able to read them more quickly
than the 100+k things I tend to post. Actually I always wanted to them
about 50K slightly over size, it just didnt' always turn out that way.
% In any case this whole Hate Act III and then Peacemaker Act IV is part
of a bigger plan that won't be evident until the end. Even the events in
this part of Hate are as much a build up as meant to be enjoyed on its own.
% thanks for all the help. it's really apprciated.
DB Sommer
DB Sommer
Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel
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