Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Marvel] Avenging Act III Chapter 2
From: Abdiel
Date: 10/20/2006, 10:18 PM
To: FFML
CC: DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net>

Save for the Spiffy-New Disclaimer, I'll be brief. Fix your formatting.

Spiffy-New Disclaimer: I'd just like to remind you before we begin that I am
not God. At least not the Judeo-Christian God, as conventionally interpreted.
Specifically, I am not omniscient. I may question something that happens in
your story which is, in fact, Actual Series Canon. I have precious little
experience with many 'Actual Series' events, and a lot of my perceptions are an
agglomeration of years of fanfics, numerous anime/cartoons/TV
shows/movies/books of both old and new, and assorted other tidbits.

Further, I am not omnipresent. I will say things shaped by my experiences;
other people more than likely have different experiences. If you've got five
thousand responses saying your story is the greatest thing since sliced bread
and I (pardon the pun) pan it, that's not indicative of any greater knowledge
on my part, merely a different perception/expectation/what have you.
Alternately, if I pan a story, that doesn't preclude the possibility that other
people reading it later will think it's the greatest thing since sliced bread,
so to all you readers reading this: Don't let me stop you.

Finally, I am not omnipotent. If I say something should be changed, you do not,
in fact, have to change it, if you don't want to, and you will not be visited
by plagues of frogs or anything of the sort. If you're satisfied with a story
the way it is, or with any factors I've said should be corrected, then leave
it.

Oh, and oftentimes I'll rant. God generally doesn't.

And here's one of my oldest victims by frequency of feedback. ^_^

On 8/29/06, DB Sommer <sommert@connecttime.net> wrote:

[Last Chapter: Man Beat made his bid for control of the ALF, Ryouga

(raises an eyebrow) A villain that's perfect for Marvel's (60's-70's version)
Power Man.

Man Beat: Can you feel the FUNK?!

Man Beat --> Man Beast

Man Beast: GORE! GORE! GORE!

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

�Don�t tell me you�re going in again?� Kiyoshi Sogabe asked.

Ichiro Nikaido made certain his fellow scientist could see his smile
through the hazmat suit�s clear faceshield. 

(shrugs) Correct me if I'm wrong, and I usually am: face-shield

Also of note (as I said in the last C&C) is the amount of 'new, fashionable'
anime you've watched. Once, I made Miashara feel old by the 'latest' anime
references I made in my C&C of his work; now you're doing the same thing to me
with all these new batches of unfamiliar characters that I guess came from the
latest fansubs/imports/downloads/whatnot. Then again, I may be barking up the
wrong tree and this is an original character.

Besides, new characters packaged with new plot points foreshadowed in this
scene are always welcome.

Ichiro gave a dismissive wave. �You and your foreign influences. Give an
example from Japanese literature next time.� He laughed and headed to
the lab.

And have it whiz by the heads of the English-speaking readers? That's not good
form in writing that caters to a specific audience, Ichiro.

�Shit, I�ve got to get down there.� Kiyoshi turned away from the monitor.

Just as he was about to leave the security room he head the guard gasp.

head --> heard

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.

Hmmm. Your fic was spellchecked real well, but the proofreading seems a bit
off, methinks. 

Kiyoshi stared at his supervisor, Tetsuki, a middle-aged man of no
talent whose only reason for being head of the department was that he
had written a paper thirty years ago that had garnered enough attention
for him to be proclaimed the next Petrie. Only it turned out to be more
in the vein of Walli instead of Julius. 

Methinks I'm just going to have to Wiki that someday to get the reference.
That, or go old-fashioned and leaf through an encyclopedia. As is, I have no
idea.

�Look, the company is in the final stages of being sold and the
president doesn�t want there to be any waves during the last days of the
transaction. So it was decided by the select few people that know about

Um, 'doesn't want there to be any waves' sounds like awkward phrasing to me.
Suggest revision.

the incident that it should be classified as something that won�t draw
attention. After the sale is complete we can clarify the situation with

Suggest: After the sale is complete, we can clarify 

He rather liked his job and his seven-figure salary, and going public
with the fact one�s pharmaceutical company had its own workers falling
over dead from its experimental research was not conductive to inspiring
trust in the populace�s eyes. Nor would it be conductive to him finding
a new job. Lots of people might say they found whistleblowers admirable,
but not to the point of hiring them.

conductive --> conducive

conductive = electrically transmittable 

conducive = favorable, advantageous, beneficial

...So unless you meant '...workers falling over dead from experimental
research' and 'Finding a new job' as 'not electrically transmittable' instead
of 'not favorable, advantageous, and/or beneficial', then by all means don't
revise this.  

P.S. Do not confuse the root word of conductive, 'conduct', with 'conduct = to
lead, to guide, to manipulate', because 'conductive', from time immemorial, has
been used almost exclusively as a means to describe the conductivity of certain
metals. 

�Yes, well, I think we can agree its fairly useless as a cure for cancer

its --> it's 

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.

�Well, yes, they would make a fine couple,� Soun admitted, trying to
figure out how to restart his opening monologue.

Heh. Nice repetition. I only remember you using this 'copy-paste' format one
other time, so at the very least it's used in moderation. As such, you pick the
right times for using the literary device.

Soun nodded in agreement. Everyone knew that if a woman wasn�t married
by thirty, she probably never would. Oh, some of the new breed of
salarywoman might disagree and claim there was nothing wrong with
getting married later on, 

Seeing the rampant... and there's no other way of describing it... pedophilia
(named 'cutely' as lolicon by the locals) in Japan, I sincerely doubt it.

Soun was left to ponder the situation. Yes, much of what Akane said made
sense. She would be the ideal wife for Ranma. That settled the matter in
his mind. Best to inform Kasumi of his decision.

Suggest: She would be --> Kasumi would be; Best to inform Kasumi --> Best to
inform his eldest daughter 

Soun was momentarily taken off track. �Actually, I don�t think the age
difference is important. After all, your mother was younger than me, and
it still worked out for us.�

Whatsername-Tendo-Mother-from-your-other-fairly-epic-fanfic': (talking to Soun)
I was a victim of circumstances, and you're the circumstances.

�Well, yes, that is true,� Soun admitted.

�It�s a great deal of common ground they share. A cornerstone of a
marriage is having common interests, is it not?�

�Yes, yes it is,� Soun agreed.

Cool. Three-way Tennis... and Soun's the ball.

Ukyou went from standing over him in anger to shock. Then she whined,
�Owww,� and held her hand. �I think it�s broken. And I definitely
chipped a nail. You�re so, bad, Ranchan, making me lose my temper like

Heh. I liked the awkward clipping of 'bad' in the sentence. But if it's
unintentional, y'know what to do.

�I gotta go to class and get stuff.� Ranma hurried off. A super hero

Suggest: superhero

Ukyou seemed taken aback. After the surprise passed, she considered it.
�No, I don�t think so. I had a lot of resentment against Ranchan for a
long time, and while I�m glad it turned out he wasn�t responsible for
abandoning me, I�ve sort of moved past him.� 

This new, Captain America-wannabe Ranma should have told her she's kind of
cute. That one phrase convinced Ukyo, a portion of the Ranma fandom, and Jose
Argao that there's a great chance that she and Ranma were meant to be.

They let the matter drop. It didn�t take long for the class to arrive at
the auditorium. It was only half filled when they arrived, 

Hmmm. I always thought it to be half emp--AAAARRRGGGHH! (gets flattened by a
Dojo Destroyer)

Dojo Destroyer: I hate cliche.

outfit. Red and yellow butterfly wings sprouted from the back. The
facemask of the figure had compound eyes, and over the nose was a huge,
sharp, proboscis.

You don't need the comma after 'sharp'.

a belt with several mechanical devices dangling from it. Goggles over
the eyes hid the figure�s identity, and two slender, artificial-looking
antenna sprouted from the cowl.

Suggest: antenna --> antennae 
 
It's Kamen Rider and Mothra's love child!

microphone, his proboscis knocked it over. Cursing, he moved the
faceplate of the costume upward, revealing a very handsome male face,
bishonen in nature. Several blonde locks poked out from underneath the
helmet.

blonde --> blond
 
No matter how effeminate he may seem, it's still blond (masculine) instead of
blonde (feminine).

The Butterfly continued. �Now, I must ask forgiveness in being so blunt
, but I am afraid circumstances require that all of you are our, I

Combine the ',' (comma, the one before 'but I am') with 'blunt' (formatting
error).
 
A voice said, �Don�t you mean dissection? Vivisections are performed on
living animals. Dissection is when they�re dead.�

Ah, so we actually performed frog vivisections in my high school, apparently.
(waves nostalgic on a classmate who proclaimed 'Finish Him!' on the vivisected
frog and its still-beating heart)

The Butterfly stared murderously at the crowd. �This is not a
negotiation, this is an ultimatum! Do not doubt our will. 

Tsk. And he was doing so well in recruiting the homogenized Japanese youth to
his cause too...

We are
desperate people, caught in desperate times that call for desperate
measures. Going through legal channels will result in the deaths in many
innocent animals. 

Revise: the deaths in many innocent animals --> the deaths of many innocent
animals

A high-pitched voice in back shouted, �Coming. Using the restroom takes
time in this outfit. When we get back Renge has got to design these

Suggest: back, Renge

Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.

�We are not super-villains. We are super-heroes.�

�Super-heroes don�t go around holding schools of students hostage,�
Humbug pointed out.

It's weird for MS-Word to list 'Superheroes' as grammatically correct while
'Supervillains' isn't listed as such. The only thing I could suggest is for you
to stick to one form... either 'super hero' or 'super-hero'. You can also go
with 'superhero' to 'supervillains' for the sake of consistency, even though
the latter isn't recognized as correct. Ah, English. Ah, MS-Word.
  
costume and threaten people. What the heck is a humbug anyway?�

The Butterfly tilted Humbug�s chin upward and he flashed a dazzling
smile. �Only the most beautiful creature in the world, my dear Haruhi.�

Humbug remained unmoved, though the same couldn�t be said for the
majority of girls within earshot who voiced their approval regarding
bishonen relationships. Guys within earshot made retching noises.

(checks Wikipedia) Ah. Ouran High School Host Club. As in Fujioka Haruhi.
Almost thought this was a male version of Suzumiya Haruhi because the rather
catchy title of 'The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi' was running in my head.
(reads the wiki article further). Oh, and this Haruhi's a girl too, though a
bit androgynous. Like David Letterman, you sure keep up with current
events--er, anime.

his shield to protect anyone from stray fire. Butterfly and Humbug were
unknowns, though Humbug seemed like he didn�t want to be here. In any
case Rabna 

The prose had a bit of a cold. ^^; Methinks you should revise: Rabna --> Ranma

�Nevermind,� Akane said. She couldn�t chance changing into Thor with an

Revise (dialogue informality notwithstanding): Nevermind --> Never mind

Firefly bowed. �Why thank you. And might I compliment you on your choice
of make-up 

Suggest: make-up --> makeup

�That�s no way to talk to your elder!� Happosai shouted, then gained a
lascivious leer. �But I know I way you can make it up to me, Nabiki, my

Suggest: But I know I way --> But I know a way

Nabiki tried to punch him, but Happosai darted out of midair, hit the
ground, jumped back up and attached himself to her breasts. He instantly
began snuggling them, much to Nabiki�s outrage.

Nabiki: One of the privileges that I got from the original series is _never_
being glomped by Happosai. Ever. (Waves her fist at the sky) DAMN YOU, SOMMER!

Happosai leapt away from Nabiki�s attack, springboarding into the top of

(shrugs) Suggest: spring-boarding/ executing a springboard

�You bastard. You KO�d my brother!� The Battling Bantam began living up
to his namesake, 

There's actually a villain called 'Battling Bantam'? Jeez, they sure cheesed-up
the superhero names way back when.

Luke Cage: You said it, sucka.

Suggest: began living up to his name,

�But she feels so good,� Happosai cooed.

The Butterfly lowered his faceplate and its sharpened proboscis. �You
idiot! He�s a guy, not a girl.�

�Oh no, I�m a girl,� Humbug said calmly.

Ah, there we go. I didn't need to google or wiki after all. Being able to show
the back story of unfamiliar characters without further research is a welcome
relief to many a lazy reader.  

�Yes, exactly like that� the Butterfly squeaked, as Nabiki grabbed him

Revise: "Yes, exactly like that" --> "Yes, exactly like that," (missing comma)

Also: the Butterfly squeaked, as --> the Butterfly squeaked as (comma muyo)

�You sure do.� She pulled one of the metal cylinders from her belt,
aimed at the Butterfly, and pulled the trigger. The sound of insects,
amplified a thousandfold and funneled into a tight sonic beam, knocked

Suggest: thousand-fold

�I see,� Ranma said. Current buffoons aside, that sounded like a
potential problem. This was a matter he was going to have to look into
as an Avenger.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

So it's the PETA Extremists vs. the Glorified Super-powered Vigilantes.
Alrighty then. In regards to grammar and spelling of your fic: Well, at the
very least, you don't suffer from dyslexia. Thing is, you've broken...

Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (_Everybody_ has to
'brake' this rule sometime...)

Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.

Grammar Rule #74: Proofread carefully to avoid unintentional puns/homonym-type
spilling mistakes because their usually hard to fined using a spellchecker.   

...But these are fairly common mistakes and your fic is still one of the most
high-quality, well-edited fics I've ever read. Oh yeah, fix the formatting. But
since it's been quite a while, and despite your best efforts, it seems
impossible to fix (and most people don't really care by now), I'll let the
matter rest. 

As for the story itself: It was nice. The interaction between both familiar and
unfamiliar characters were great, though I must admit that a lot of the humor
behind the unfamiliar characters were lost to me, thus detracting a bit from my
enjoyment of the fic. Nonetheless, it's a solid read, and a fic must expand by
being on top of current anime, methinks. 

Sure, an argument could be made about you drawing your canvas a bit too wide,
having so many characters and plotlines that it's difficult to keep track of
everything, but by keeping the story focused on your main characters and using
the oh-so-convenient and turn-based villain-of-the-chapter or
boss-villains-of-the-arc formula to balance the conflict out, I do believe that
you've avoided the 'wide-canvas' pitfall. A perfect mixture of comics, as well
as vintage and recently-released anime: this fic of yours sure is a strange
animal, Mr. Sommer.

Speaking of animals, I particularly liked Man Beast when he first appeared in
the last chapter. There's a lot of potential for that feral but sophisticated
villain. He's suave but deadly, like that fat albino guy Mandragora that I
chanced upon in Justice League Unlimited, or a hybrid of Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde. Can't wait to see him battle with the heroes. And the
oneshot-twoshot-recurring villains from the myriad of anime you've watched and
referenced in this fic is a great template to move the story along. Yeah, it's
reminiscent of the just-inferred 'monster of the chapter' format, only
substitute 'monster' with 'group' or 'latest anime series', but at the very
least the inherent geekiness of your readers will love the contemporary
allusions. :P Well-written as always, and I've run out of praise to heap on it.
As such, kudos. Keep on writing.


Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It is by no means possible for me to write down this science precisely as I
understand it in my heart." (Musashi Miyamoto)

Send instant messages to your online friends http://uk.messenger.yahoo.com 

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'