Legendary Legacy wrote:
I'm a bit new to this FFML thing, so if something goes wrong with my
message
or anything, I apologize.
Noted. Looks like you've pretty much figured it out already, though. :)
Lucky me then. :)
Anyway, I've been posting this story to fanfiction.net for a few months
now,
and even though I've recieved many positive reviews for it, it's next to
impossible to get any real indepth critiquing about it. So I was hoping
I
might get a bit more help with that from here.
Definitely. Ff.net reviews are better than nothing, of course, but
in-depth they are not. The format doesn't lend itself to that, even
when the reviewer is capable and willing.
Indeed. I do the best that I can over there to give decent C&C when I can,
but when you can't actually quote parts of the story or anything, it makes
it difficult.
Uzumaki Naruto's mind felt like a torrent as he turned back and forth
between the two speakers.
Hmm. I think I noticed someone comment on this earlier, and I have to
agree that I'm not certain "torrent" is quite correctly used here,
though I could always be wrong.
Perhaps something like "Uzumaki Naruto's mind was consumed by a torrent
of conflicting thoughts and emotions as..." would work better?
I suppose so. It seemed fine when I wrote it, but now that people are
beginning to point it out to me, it does seem that there are better ways of
phrasing it.
The whole day had seemingly gone from bad to worse.
Seemingly really doesn't belong in that sentence, I think. It kind of
implies that Naruto isn't certain that the day has gone from bad to
worse, or that it seems that it has but actually hasn't. Perhaps use
"suddenly" instead?
Sounds good to me. Will change.
Naruto could feel chills' running up and down his body from the way the
conversation was going.
Unnecessary apostrophe after chills.
Geez, I can't believe I've looked over this chapter about five or six times
and I still didn't catch that. Thanks.
I hope you enjoyed it, but don't hesitate to say if you didn't.
It's a good prologue. I have to admit that the title and the summary on
ff.net kind of make me somewhat dubious, but thus far I have no
complaints, and my wariness is more a matter of my particular taste in
fanfiction than any doubts as to the quality.
That's understandable. Different people like different types of stories,
after all.
>From the evidence of the
prologue, I'd be surprised if the story devolved into the pointless
character bashing that so many "main character runs away" stories wallow
in - a large part of why I've developed a distaste for the genre.
Believe me, if there's one thing I despise in fanfiction, it's character
bashing. Even though I love the show, I just don't find myself being SO
into it that I actually start hating characters if they don't act the way I
think they should or do something that I don't approve of, or whatever the
reason for it might be.
I'll admit to some possible out-of-characterness from time to time, but I do
my best to keep that to a minimum as well.
Please do continue to post the story here!
Considering how helpful people are being, I'm certain that I will. :)
LL
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