Subject: [FFML] [fanfic][MST] ... And Justice For All? chapter 3 - OAV 42 version
From: "Nidoking" <nidoking@insightbb.com>
Date: 10/16/2006, 7:44 PM
To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>

Evening, all. It's time once again to venture into the world of Harry
Potter and tear it to shreds with our mockery. Looks like I returned
from New Mexico just in time. (I'd have been back sooner, but I missed
the left turn at Albuquerque.)


REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS:
... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?
THE OAVing part 3

NACHO: So, is everybody ready for the third part of SKJAM's epic, "...
And Justice For All?"

ACE: How many times are we going to have to do this introduction,
anyway?

NACHO: Well, there are six chapters so far, with no sign of an ending,
so...

SHEILA: We could just skip it and move right to the story.

NACHO: But we always use this space to remind the readers of what's
happened in the story so far!

SHEILA: That's easy. Just re-read the part of the first Harry Potter
book where Harry met Hagrid, but replace Harry with Duncan Dursley,
Vernon and Petunia with Dudley and his wife, Zelda, and Hagrid with a
man who calls himself Draco Malfoy, but who is actually the FCC-edited
spawn of Barney and Shari Lewis.

NACHO: ... Actually, I'd say that's pretty accurate.

ACE: (whispers) I think she's PMSing.

SHEILA: (smacks Ace)

NACHO: I think I have to side with Sheila on this one. Let's get
started.

<BEGIN FANFIC>

Hope everyone is enjoying these!

SHEILA: No comment.

NACHO: I'm enjoying it.


                  AND JUSTICE FOR ALL?

ACE: And liberty for none.

                  by Scott K. Jamison

ALL: (cheers and catcalls)

(The Harry Potter books and their associated characters created by
J.K. Rowling.  No infringement is intended or should be assumed.)

SHEILA: Portrayal of Draco Malfoy aside.

                  Chapter Three: Alley

NACHO: Where's the oop?

ACE: Oops.

     By the time Professor Malfoy showed up again, things were
marginally better in the Dursley household.

JUNK: Duncan's mother was down to groping her son twice a day.

NACHO: Duncan's latent magical ability had turned his parents back into
sentient animals.

ACE: Zelda had mopped up most of the owl droppings.

It had been decided that
as Duncan hadn't turned out as Da had hoped, he and Mum would be
trying for a replacement.

JUNK: Knowing that he was replacing himself made Duncan's nightly
sessions with Mum even less pleasant.

It was technically against the law, but
there were plenty of ways around that.

NACHO: Having sex is against the law?

JUNK: Told you so.

ACE: Maybe they're actually cousins.

SHEILA: I expect it has something to do with Duncan's magic. It couldn't
be a law saying ugly people can't have children... could it?

     Duncan didn't want to think very hard about exactly how his
parents were going about getting that replacement,

JUNK: But we love rubbing his face in it!

but Da was in a
much better mood almost all the time now.

SHEILA: The local buffet had given him a lifetime discount.

As long as one did not
mention anything about magic, wizards or Hogwarts.

JUNK: <Zelda> Getting him the Magic Fingers was a mistake...

     There had also been a few weeks of fair weather, allowing the
other kids at school to play outdoors and not pick on Duncan so much.

ACE: They're fair-weather friends.

NACHO: (rimshot)

 As a result, the boy was happier than usual, and looking forward to
getting his new school supplies.

NACHO: I know the feeling. There's nothing like the smell of fresh
pencil shavings.

SHEILA: <Duncan> This year, I can get big boy scissors and a
non-erasable pen!

     This time, the teacher was dressed in a well-tailored black
suit, and his long white-blond hair made him look like a toggle star.

ACE: He became famous by flipping switches?

SHEILA: Was that one toggle flip or two toggle flips?

 Da hated toggle music, and said it all sounded like noise, not like
the rap from when he was a boy.

NACHO: It's a COMPLETELY different kind of noise!

SHEILA: Anything that doesn't sound like rap is a good enough
recommendation for me.

     "Good morning, Duncan, are you ready to go?" asked Professor
Malfoy.

NACHO: <Bubbles> Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Where are we going today,
Professor?

     "Yessir."  Duncan was freshly scrubbed, and looked even pinker
than usual.

NACHO: Mum thinks the mascara makes him look older.

     Mum turned Duncan towards her and kissed him on both cheeks.

ACE: <Mum> You dodged two kisses. Child's play. When you can dodge SIX
kisses, then you will have accomplished something.

"Mind you behave now.  You know things are a bit tight, so be very
careful with your pocket money."

JUNK: He certainly didn't want a reminder about her tight "things".

NACHO: <Mum> Save some cash for lubricant!

     "Yes, Mum."  Duncan was always careful with his pocket money.
Until the older kids took it away.

ACE: <Duncan> Hey! I need a receipt for my tax write-off!

     "Fortunately," said Professor Malfoy, with a thin smile, "Harry
has set up a small trust fund for the boy's education."

NACHO: It's small so Duncan won't get TOO educated. That kid's
dangerous.

     Mum relaxed a little.  "Please bring Duncan back by six.  He has
homework."

ACE: <Draco> He's not coming back, Zelda. That's the point.

     "Of course.  Let us be off then."

NACHO: And on now.

SHEILA: (singing) We're off to see the wizards...


     To Duncan's delight, the teacher proved to have arrived by car,
specifically the red sports model Duncan had seen that fateful night
a few weeks before.

NACHO: It was a long and complicated proof that involved a few theorems
and a handful of lemmas.

SHEILA: Delight? At Draco's red sports car? My god... they ARE going to
have sex!

     "You like it, do you?" asked the man.  "I believe in traveling
in style."

ACE: <Duncan> I'm not allowed to believe in anything.

     "Yes, it's a very nice car, Professor Malfoy."

NACHO: <Duncan> (prays silently) Please let it not be called the
Chickmobile, please let it not be called the Chickmobile...

     "Please, call me Uncle Draco.  At school there must be
'Professor' and 'Sir', but outside I am your dear uncle."

ACE: And old. Don't forget old.

NACHO: As long as there's no "Mr. Sir", we're fine.

     Duncan nodded.  "Yes, Uncle Draco."

SHEILA: <Draco> DEAR OLD Uncle Draco.

     "Oh, that reminds me.  When we get to Diagon Alley, tell no one
your full name.

NACHO: <Duncan> Check. I'll be "Duncan" to the ladies and "Master
Dursley" to the men.

Things will be difficult enough at school because
you're a Dursley, there's no reason to start early."

SHEILA: Actually, since he's going to be held back, he'll HAVE to start
early.

     Duncan felt a bit queasy, centering in the place where the other
children normally shoved him.

NACHO: In the toilet stall?

"Why is that?"

ACE: <Draco> You HAVE spent several years in a school already, right?
There will be other students at Hogwarts... just draw the inference
yourself. Doughnut.

     Draco pointed his wand at the car, and the doors opened.  He
gestured for Duncan to get in, then took the driver's seat.

SHEILA: Then he waved his wand to close the doors, but Duncan's fat got
in the way.

     "You remember how I told you that Harry Potter is a hero?"

     "Yes," said Duncan.

NACHO: <Draco> I lied. He's actually trying to kill you.

     "And any story with a hero must have a villain or two.

NACHO: <Duncan> Princess Kraehe and Fakir?

The main
one in this case was Voldemort, but he is, finally, this time for
sure, gone.

ACE: That's about a quadruple positive. Doesn't that cancel out?

SHEILA: He's as gone as Elvis. His death doesn't stop him from showing
up everywhere.

But your grandparents and father were also cast in
negative roles.  They don't come off very well at all in the books."

SHEILA: It was still kinder than reality.

NACHO: He breaks the fourth wall? No wonder he's Professor of
Divination!

     "There are books with my family in them?"  He'd never heard of
any.

ACE: Being a main character is a new sensation for a Dursley.

NACHO: Like being polite or dieting.

     Draco looked a bit wistful.  "Nearly everyone involved who
survived wrote a book.

NACHO: Neville Longbottom couldn't figure out how to spell his name.

Granger's  'Harry Potter, A Life, Volume One'
is the most balanced, if a bit hard to read through.

ACE: The chapters of repeating "Why, Harry, why didn't you choose ME?"
got a bit dull after a while.

Girl never met
a fact she didn't want to stuff into her writing.  Lockhart's 'My
Year with Harry Potter' is the most entertaining, but largely
flubberfloss."

NACHO: That's because he got amnesia and didn't remember any of it.

     "'Flubberfloss'?"

     "How would Muggles say it?  Ah, yes, 'hogwash.'"

SHEILA: That's how the child-friendly version of Draco might say it...
Penn and Teller have a better word for it.

As they were
speaking, Draco had begun driving, with a rather lackadaisical
approach.  It was as though he had no fear whatsoever of accidents.

NACHO: So he learned to drive in New Jersey.

     "Did you write a book, Uncle Draco?"

JUNK: <Draco> Yes, but it's not for children.

NACHO: "Draco Malfoy was the greatest wizard ever. He casted the spells
that mades the peoples fall down."

     As Draco's face was so pale, it was easy to tell when darkness
crossed it.

ACE: <Duncan> (stares) Wait, wait... there! I see the darkness!

NACHO: <Duncan> I attack it with... MAGIC MISSILE.

SHEILA: That's just five o'clock shadow.

"Yes.  It was short, and did not sell well.  Let us
never speak of it again."

JUNK: <Duncan> That's fine, Uncle Draco, but I asked you about the book.

     Duncan shied a little away from his 'uncle.'  "Oh-kay."

JUNK: <Duncan> And I thought I was safe once I got away from Mum!

     "In any case, your grandparents refused to cooperate with any of
the writers, or even to talk to them, so what most people know of
them in the wizarding world is none too pleasant."

NACHO: <Draco> (pinches nose) They certainly got the smell right,
though.

     "I...see.  All right, no using my last name if I can help it."

ACE: <Duncan> How about... Yurdsel?

NACHO: He stealthily signs his name "Franzel Neekburm".

Duncan decided to change the subject.  "I forget, what are you a
Professor of, again?"

SHEILA: <Draco> The better to EAT you with - oh, wrong line.

NACHO: <Draco> Dramatic Changes in Character. It's a selective course...
only main characters get to take it.

     Draco casually flicked the steering wheel as they sped between
two oncoming cars.

ACE: <Draco> Watch this... I can drive with one hand! And now... no
hands!

There hadn't looked like there was enough room to
fit.

NACHO: He built the car out of Closet Savers (TM).

"Divination.  The foretelling of the future by various means."

ACE: Means what, exactly?

SHEILA: Means you can make a killing in the lottery.

     "Like Mystic Meg?"  Da always tore her column out of the paper
and shredded it, but Duncan knew approximately what it was about.

JUNK: He recognized words like "cunnilingus" and "bordello".

NACHO: And he was proud of knowing what those words meant.

     Draco smiled in a rather unpleasant manner.

NACHO: Redundant.

"Yes.  Almost
*exactly* like Mystic Meg.  But it's an advanced subject, so you
won't have me for any classes this year."

JUNK: <Draco> Not until you reach the age of consent.

ACE: Fortunately, in the wizarding world, that's only 15.

     "What's Hogwarts like?"

NACHO: Like any other warts, only they're on hogs instead of toads.

     "It's the most prestigious wizarding school in Europe, possibly
the world.  Hogwarts has a long tradition and history of excellence
in the mystic arts.

SHEILA: He's reading the back of the brochure.

Of course, the emphasis on tradition does make
it rather old-fashioned.  We still have summer holidays, unlike your
Muggle school."

SHEILA: Wait, did he just say Muggle schools in the future don't have
summer holidays? What kind of future is this?

ACE: UV rays are probably more dangerous in the future. Stupid CFCs.

     "That'll be nice," said Duncan.  "I guess the old-fashionedness
is why the letter said no electroni--"

     The car screeched to a halt.

ACE: <Draco> Don't you EVER imply that old-fashionedness is the reason
for the electronics prohibition!

Draco opened the car door and got
out.  "We're here."

NACHO: A vacuously true yet completely meaningless statement.

     Duncan was a little disappointed by the scenery.

NACHO: It appeared to be made out of posterboard.

This part of
the city looked run-down and deserted, with no neon signs or
brightly-colored buildings.

SHEILA: Because, apparently, anywhere there are people, there must be
neon signs and brightly-colored buildings.

NACHO: The world's entire population is crammed into Las Vegas and
Broadway.

The only building that seemed to be
doing any business was a pub on the corner with the unlikely name of
"Leaky Cauldron."

JUNK: Only unlikely until you've tried their special. It'll show you why
they've got the biggest bathrooms in Bristol.

Draco was headed straight for the selfsame pub.

     "Come along, and don't forget what I told you."

ALL: <Duncan> What was that again?

     "Yes, Uncle Draco."

     The inside of the pub was far more interesting than the outside.

NACHO: I don't know about that... the conversation they just had was
pretty stimulating.

 For starters, it didn't look like the floorspace could possibly have
fitted in the building they'd just entered.

ACE: In fact, it had been rolled up and leaned against the wall.

NACHO: <Proprietor> I told you, you can't put a square floor in a round
building!

The furnishings and
fixtures at the long bar looked extremely old-fashioned to Duncan,
like pictures he'd seen of pubs in the previous century.

SHEILA: Which was all of six years ago.

ACE: No, this is the future, remember? In the future, everything looks
either really futuristic, or exactly like what we have today, making it
incredibly out of date.

NACHO: "Hydrate level four."

The
old-fashioned effect was enhanced by the fact that none of the light
in this place appeared to be electric.

ACE: Electricity had been replaced with the much safer and cheaper
quantum energy flows in 2035.

Instead, candles were
everywhere, casting a warm yellow glow.  Except in the far corners,
where some of the candles burned darker colors.

NACHO: They're blue-hot!

ACE: Those candles that cast a bright room into darkness?

SHEILA: <Bartender> Okay, who dipped the wicks in phosphorous again?

JUNK: It was me! Oh, wait, you're talking about candles.

     The place was crowded with people, most dressed in robes ranging
from plain black, as Uncle Draco had worn that first night,

ALL: (shudder)

through
bright primary colors, to bizarre paisley patterns that seemed to
move when Duncan wasn't looking.

NACHO: How he knows what's happening when he's not looking is anyone's
guess.

The remainder were in a variety of
outfits that seemed uniform only in that no sensible person would
wear them on the street.

SHEILA: While all the sensible people are just dying to get into those
bizarre paisley robes.

Was that woman really wearing nothing more
than a silk ribbon artfully tied about her body to cover the naughty
bits?

NACHO: Actually, it was a pair of very thin cats.

     Oh, now I've done it, thought Duncan, as the lady realized he
was staring and got up from her chair to saunter his way.  He wanted
to hide behind Uncle Draco, but her yellow eyes were locked on his.

SHEILA: Behold the power of "Eyes up here."

     "You're a cute one," she cooed.

NACHO: Enter the requisite blind woman.

The woman's hand stroked his
cheek, and Duncan noticed that her fingernails were long and painted
black.

ACE: He saw people turn their heads and quickly look away.

At least he hoped it was paint.  "Look good enough to eat,
don't you, my pretty?"

SHEILA: <Duncan> Oh, no... "Doughnut" is just a nickname.

     There was a snapping noise, and Duncan found himself able to
turn his head and move again.

NACHO: The crick in his neck was finally gone after all those years.

The woman looked angry.

     But so did Draco.  "Tiz, you're on a *diet*, remember?

SHEILA: <Tiz> How can I forget, with you parading fatsos in front of me
day and night?

The boy
is under my protection."

NACHO: <Draco> *I* get to be the one to kill him.

     Tiz shrugged and smiled.  Her teeth were triangular, like a
shark's.

JUNK: Fascinating! So what other parts are triangular?

"Yes, a diet.  Just like the Ministry wants.  We're all on
leashes now, aren't we, Draco?"

NACHO: <Draco> No... you're just really freaking fat.

JUNK: Not that some people mind being on leashes...

ACE: Once again, someone forgets that it's a man writing this story.

SHEILA: (smacks Ace)

     "Some of us shorter than others.

NACHO: <Draco> (looks at Duncan) Also rounder than others.

Duncan, this is Tisiphone
Algol, an old...friend of mine.

SHEILA: It always takes him a while to remember that word.

I suppose I should have mentioned
that a few of the people we'll be meeting aren't human, as Muggles
understand the term."

NACHO: Some, like Draco, are entirely INhuman.

     "Like 'human' is such a hot thing to be," said Tiz.  "Then
you'll be a first-year at Hogwarts?

ACE: <Tiz> You know what that means... FRESHMAN! (pelts Duncan with
eggs)

I'd better not keep you here.
Draco?  Come up and see me sometime.  A girl can get awful lonely."

NACHO: <Draco> Actually, I think you're plenty awful as it is.

She walked off with a peculiar wiggle of her bottom that Duncan had
seen older girls do before, though he didn't know why.

JUNK: It's because they'd rather hold it in than admit that they use the
toilet like anybody else.

     Duncan held a hand to his cheek in wonder as Draco pushed him
towards the back entrance.

JUNK: ... sometimes, it's just TOO easy.

"She's the first woman besides Mum who's
ever called me 'cute.'"

SHEILA: And I wager she'll be the last.

NACHO: <Draco> I just got through telling you she's NOT a woman. What
part of that didn't you get?

ACE: She's French... she's used to the word "mignon" referring to a
prime cut of steak.

     "I think you'll find," said Draco, "that girls are usually more
trouble than they're worth.

JUNK: Then you take a sex education class, and the scales tip in the
other direction.

Harriet was telling me just the other
day that I should stop running into 'old friends' this way."

NACHO: Because she knows what would happen if he met Crabbe and Goyle
again.

     "Who's Harriet?"

     Draco blinked.  "I said Harry.  I'm quite sure I did."

ALL: GASP!

SHEILA: So... Draco and Harry's relationship is actually heterosexual.

ACE: The fangirls of the world moan in disappointment.

NACHO: You know, if he really wanted to cover that up, he should have
just said she was another friend rather than imply that Harry's had a
sex change. The astute readers would still figure it out.

SHEILA: I suppose Daniel Radcliffe is really starting to regret that
seven-movie deal now.

The tone
of his voice warned Duncan that no contradiction was permitted.

NACHO: <Duncan> Yes it is!

ACE: <Draco> No it isn't!

NACHO: <Duncan> It must be! You just contradicted me!

ACE: <Draco> No I didn't!

     The back entrance appeared to be a blank stone wall, but Draco
tapped it in a peculiar pattern, and the stones slid aside to reveal
a door.

SHEILA: <Draco> That was "Open Sesame" in Morse Code.

"Silly, really," he said.  "No one who wasn't supposed to be
here could even *find* the door, let alone open it.

NACHO: <Draco> And they certainly wouldn't have access to the Keyblade.

And the
knockcode hasn't changed since the day I first came here."

ACE: <Draco> It's still "Shave and a Haircut", although the price has
gone up considerably.



     Beyond the entrance was a crowded street filled with the same
sort of people who'd been in the pub, but more so.

NACHO: They're VERY in the pub.

There wouldn't
have been enough room for an automobile, even if one were available.

SHEILA: Not available? Don't they have "The Price is Right" in the
future?

Even a bicycle would have been hard-pressed, though Duncan *did* see
one young witch unsteadily flying along on a broomstick, a black cat
precariously hanging by its front paws behind her.

ACE: Those bristle ornaments get more and more disturbing all the time.

NACHO: I bet SHE sweeps out her orbit.

     "Can I do that, Uncle Draco?"

SHEILA: <Draco> I suppose, but I'll have to turn you into a cat.

     "Hmm?"

     "Fly?  That girl looks about my age."

ACE: <Draco> There are many things that happen when a girl reaches your
age, Doughnut. Flying isn't one of them.

SHEILA: <Draco> First lose about three hundred pounds. Then we'll see.

     "You'll have flying lessons, eventually, although first-years
are only allowed private brooms under *very* special circumstances."

JUNK: <Draco> Figuring out which teacher has the right sexual
orientation is only the first step.

NACHO: <Draco> It's surprising how few students realize the true
significance of signing up for cleaning duty.

Draco sounded wistful.  "Even *I* had to wait until my second year."

JUNK: <Draco> I was a bit late hitting puberty.

     "Oh."  The girl was nearly out of sight now, only visible by the
red ribbon in her hair.

NACHO: Yet she's still there. In Oklahoma.

     Draco was striding along forcefully, almost as carelessly as
he'd driven, and Duncan was hard-put to keep up.

ACE: Fat-rolls is hard-put to keep up with a snail. On flypaper.

     "First, we'll get that pocket money changed."

SHEILA: <Duncan> I was supposed to bring money?

NACHO: <Duncan> Well, I say money, but really it's just washers and
bottlecaps of assorted sizes. They sound like money, and occasionally
fool vending machines.



     That had been fast.  Duncan had barely gotten the idea of a bank
staffed by goblins when the transaction was over, his paper notes
exchanged for a pocketful of heavy metal coins.

ACE: We like the kind of money that jingles, but we prefer the kind that
folds.

Mostly copper Knuts,
alas; even with what Uncle Draco said was a favorable exchange rate.

SHEILA: <Draco> Oh, I see! I was reading it the wrong way around! You
got shafted, young Doughnut.

NACHO: There once was a man named Topper, whose Knuts were made out of
copper...

     "It'll go further than you think," assured Draco, "if you
husband it carefully.

ACE: Even marriage is all about money.

And now to Ollivander's for your wand."

JUNK: <Duncan> Oh, do they sell lubricant there?


     "Draco Malfoy, ebo--"

NACHO: Neezer Scrooge?

ACE: Ny and Ivory?

SHEILA: Nite bowling balls?

JUNK: La virus infection?

     "I *know* what my wand is, old man.

JUNK: <Old Man> But do you know how to USE it?

We're here for the boy's
first."

JUNK: (boggles) If it were anyone other than Draco, I could ignore the
innuendo.

     The elderly proprietor glared daggers at Draco.  "There's no
reason to be rude, son.

SHEILA: Other than that he's Draco, you mean?

Ollivander remembers every wand he ever
sold."

NACHO: <Draco> Fine, so bring him out here already!

     "So you tell me every time I come in.  The *boy*."

ACE: <Duncan> Oh... is it my line now?

     Ollivander, at least Duncan assumed that was his name, peered
intently at Duncan.  The boy did not like that stare.

JUNK: His Ma used to stare at him like that.

NACHO: Ollivander just stared at him like a cow stares at an oncoming
burrito.

He'd seen it
on a few of the Iraq War vets that camped in the park.  The ones that
talked to themselves.

ACE: <Veteran> I can't BELIEVE I bought Bush's lies! Why did I do that?

     "Hmm...Ollivander thinks you need something sturdy, Ollivander
does.  Ollivander will see what he has in back."

JUNK: Duncan needs something sturdy in the back? And we thought *I* was
perverted!

     As the old man shuffled off into the racks, Draco explained.
"He didn't used to be this bad.

ALL: <Draco> He was much worse.

There was an unfortunate incident
with Voldemort a couple of decades back, something about twin wands.

JUNK: Sounds like one of the fangirls picked a rather odd pairing.

NACHO: Voldevander? Ollivoldy?

Since then, Ollivander's mind is a little off, though he can still
pick the right wand just fine."

ACE: <Ollivander> (drops all the wands) Seventy-two. Seventy-two wands.
Seventy-two. Uh-oh. Time for Wapner.

     Ollivander had returned, holding a slim box in his hand.

NACHO: <Ollivander> You'll have to put one of these on the wand before
you try it... the health department's been watching me very closely.

It
trembled as he took off the top and plucked out a wand.  "Ollivander
says try this one.

ACE: <Duncan> *waves wand*

ACE: <Ollivander> Hmmm... try it again.

ACE: <Duncan> *waves wand*

ACE: <Ollivander> I didn't say "Ollivander says"!

Cedar of Lebanon, strong and aromatic.  Made with
leviathan sinew, to resist breakage."

NACHO: And jalapeno powder, for that spicy flavor.

     Duncan took the wand gingerly, and held it with both hands.
"What now?"

JUNK: If we have to explain the mechanics of this, you'll never figure
it out.

     "Ollivander wants you to swish it gently through the air, your
mind clear."

ACE: Bah. If you want to clear it properly, you've really got to shake
the snot out of it.

SHEILA: I thought it was "swish and flick". "Swish and thick?"

     Trying to clear his mind, Duncan did as he was asked.

NACHO: <Duncan> I hear... and obey.

ACE: <Duncan> (thinks) Okay, clearing the mind... now. Hey, it worked!
No, wait, that's a thought. Okay... now! No, now! Now!

To his
surprise, light brown sparks followed the path of the wand, and a
strong but pleasant woody smell filled his nostrils.

SHEILA: <Ollivander> Oh, wait, that's Ollivander's plug-in incense.

     "Wow!"

     "First time lucky.  Ollivander is pleased!"

NACHO: <Ollivander> School supplies up line! In very yes book with a
purchase! Twiglets!

ACE: That's the first time he's ever been lucky? That explains a lot.

     Draco had a large smile.  "Good, then we'll be off."

ACE: <Ollivander> They always smile when they leave...


     As soon as Duncan was up on the box, Draco said, "Being fitted
for your robes will take quite some time, so I'll take care of some
other shopping."

SHEILA: It's only because they have to go borrow more tape measures to
tie together.

With a spin that obviously needed a cape to look
right, Duncan's 'uncle' was gone.

NACHO: And in that single twirl of his cape, Draco took out enough other
customers to earn a 1-Up.

ACE: Then he picked a flower, and the cape and feather went back into
his standby box.

     There was another boy being fitted at the same time, but the
witch taking the measurements wouldn't let Duncan look.

NACHO: <Duncan> It's nothing I haven't seen before!

JUNK: <Witch> You mean your gut doesn't get in the way?

Finally, she
ran off to fetch cloth swatches, and he was free to turn a bit.

SHEILA: Unfortunately, he couldn't overcome his rotational inertia.

     The other boy looked vaguely familiar, with a friendly face and
dark eyes.

NACHO: And as bald as Dr. Evil.

But it wasn't until he yelped as the fitter got overly
enthusiastic with a pin that the penny dropped for Duncan.

NACHO: The seat of his pants split when he bent over to pick it up.

     "Cuckoo?  Cuckoo Lane?"

SHEILA: Isn't that where the Cocoa Puffs factory is?

NACHO: <Lily Munster> Mockingbird Lane, actually, but it's easy to
confuse the two.

     "Cuchulain O'Shaughnessy, thank you.

ACE: Since this is apparently the first time he ever gave his full name,
I don't think he has any right getting indignant.

Wait, aren't you
Doughnut?"

     "Duncan, *please*."

ALL: <Duncan> THANK YOU!

     The other boy's eyes widened.  "It *is* you, Duncan!  What a
coincidence!  Hey, Mother, remember Duncan!"

SHEILA: <Mrs. Lane O'Shaughnessy> I'm already remembering the Alamo,
9-11, B-b-b-b-baby's number, to look both ways before crossing the
street... I'm not an address book!

     A dark-eyed woman dressed in a Muggle pantsuit,

NACHO: Kupo!

but with a lot
of silly-looking jewelry, took her face out of a newspaper and looked
at Duncan.

ACE: She immediately buried her face in the newspaper again, looking up
every ten minutes to ask "Is he gone yet?"

"Aren't you the one whose father threatened to sue us if
we let our Cuchulain ever talk to you again?"

NACHO: <Duncan> I wouldn't worry too much about that. He also threatened
to sue the rain for failing to yield to science and stop when the
weatherman predicted.

     Duncan squirmed.  "Well, yes, Da does have a bit of a temper.
He's not very happy about *this* either."

JUNK: <Duncan> Mum, on the other hand, can't get enough of it.

     Mrs. O'Shaughnessy nodded.  "I can imagine.  But me and Lugh,
we're thrilled to have an actual wizard in the family.

NACHO: <Mrs. O'S> Schmendrick was SUCH a disappointment.

Should have
known there was a reason the rituals failed all these years."

SHEILA: Because you were using birth control?

     "Mother, enough about the rituals, already," whined Cuchulain.

JUNK: <Cuchulain> Staying up all night listening to it happen is bad
enough.

Duncan remembered that the O'Shaughnessys practiced what Mum called
"alternative religion" and Da called "lunatic foolishness."

NACHO: And everyone else called "heresy". It was catchier.

      A few minutes later, the fittings were finally done, and the
boys reminisced about times past.  "It'll be a blast learning magic
together!" enthused Cuchulain.

ACE: (thwaps Cuckoo) He said times PAST, moron.

      "I'm sure it will," came a dry voice from the door, instantly
recognizable to Duncan as Draco's.

NACHO: <Duncan> COR BLIMEY!

"I've gotten all your textbooks,
Duncan."

SHEILA: <Duncan> Great. Now what am *I* supposed to study from?

      Duncan was a little disappointed.  He'd seen an
interesting-looking bookstore with a picture of Janus, the two-faced
Roman god, hanging above it.

JUNK: He really wanted to see Trichesta, the three-breasted Greek
goddess.

But it seemed he wasn't going to get
the chance to browse there.

NACHO: It's no great loss... their frequent buyer program stinks.

      Mrs. O'Shaughnessy had a look of wonder on her face.  "I *know*
you!"

ACE: <Duncan> Of course you do. I hung out with your son when we were
kids.

      Draco puffed up a bit.

SHEILA: (pops Draco with a pin)

      "You're the lead singer for that toggle group our Morrigan
likes so much, what's it called again...?"

NACHO: Toggle bank B - east side lighting.

      The puffing was gone.

NACHO: But the smoke remained.

      "Umm, no, Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, this is my Uncle Draco."  Duncan
decided the courtesy title was best.

ACE: So "some jerk who kidnapped me and nearly fed me to a shark" would
be the discourtesy title?

"He teaches at Hogwart's."

NACHO: <Hogwart> I don't care what it is, but it's MINE!

      "Really?  You look too handsome to be a teacher.

SHEILA: She just led a very sheltered life and went to the wrong
schools.

If Morrigan
were going, I'd be worried she'd lose her heart."

NACHO: <Chocolat> Rats, it's pee-colored!

      "Mo-thurr!"  Cuchulain looked disgusted.

ACE: <Cuchulain> You promised *I* could marry Morrigan!

      "This is my mate, Cuchulain," explained Duncan.  "He used to
live near me."

SHEILA: <Cuchulain> (cries) Is that all I was to you?

      Draco bowed a bit.  "I am pleased to meet both you and your
lovely mother.

NACHO: <Draco> Think she'd mind if I dump the Doughnut and sponsor you
for Hogwarts instead?

Sadly, Duncan and I must be tending to other business
now."

JUNK: <Duncan> (whimpers)

      "Bye, Cuckoo!"

      "Bye, Doughnut!"

SHEILA: Bye, Jonboy! Bye, Ellie Mae!


      "Last stop," said Draco, with relief in his voice.
"Familiars."

NACHO: <Duncan> Actually, I don't recognize ANY of them.

      The store had a distinct animal scent, but apparently they used
magic to keep it from smelling too bad.

JUNK: Magic animals know how to flush.

Owls, ravens and other birds
fluttered in cages.  Cats, dogs and rats paced in pens along one
wall.  Glass enclosures contained frogs, toads and snakes.

NACHO: The jungle set stored lions, tigers, and bears.

ACE: <D> You might not want that rabbit... she's got a nasty sweet
tooth.

There
were even a few animals Duncan couldn't quite identify.

NACHO: <Duncan> What's THAT?! Oh, it's a mirror.

      "I get a pet?" asked Duncan.  "They won't allow animals in our
flat."

SHEILA: <Duncan> They only grudgingly let ME live there.

      "Yes, and don't worry, it'll be taken care of.  The rules, that
is.

ACE: Because he's not going back to the flat. He's going to Hogwarts.

*You* have to take care of your animal if you want it to serve
you well."

JUNK: I have the utmost respect for mine, but it doesn't seem to help
much.

Draco swept the room with a wide gesture.

NACHO: <Shopkeep> Hey, thanks! Saves me having to get out the broom.

ACE: Two "sweep" jokes in one chapter... that's sad.

"Wander around
for a bit until one of them picks you."

      "Don't you mean until I pick one of them?"

ACE: <Draco> In this relationship, you're the pet and the animal's the
master.

      "No."

      So Duncan began wandering about the shop.  Most of the animals
seemed happy enough to see him, but he didn't feel any particular
connection to them.

SHEILA: He just hasn't found the big, fat animals like hippopotami and
elephants.

The wolf puppies sure were cute.  But who would
want a tarantula?

NACHO: <Sunako Nakahara> (cuddles the tarantula)

ACE: <Azusa Shiratori> I'll call it Philippe!

      Finally, Duncan paused in front of a cage that seemed empty,
though there was food in the dish.

SHEILA: He missed the "VACANCY" sign on the side.

Perhaps an invisible creature?
That would be kind of interesting.  Then the sawdust blinked.

NACHO: Ah, it's Madame Sawdust Heap.

      A lizard stood on its stubby legs, and a bright red tongue
uncurled from its mouth.  Duncan recognized it now.

NACHO: <Duncan> You're that kid who used to make fun of me in
kindergarten! Who's laughing now?

      "A chameleon!  What do you say, boy, will you be my friend?"

ACE: The chameleon agreed, but quickly changed his stripes.

      Both its eyes swiveled to look into his, and Duncan felt a
distinct jolt to his nervous system.

NACHO: <Duncan> Crap... basilisk.

ACE: Man, EVERYBODY'S using the Mesme-stare on him today.

He steeled himself to look
back.  After a long moment, it seemed to nod, and the tension passed.

SHEILA: <Howie Mandel> Now let's see how good a deal you made.

      Duncan signalled the shop owner, and Draco paid the man.

ACE: <Shopkeep> You know, you don't really NEED to set up a spotlight
with a lizard silhouette to attract my attention.

      As they left, Draco said, "A reptile.  A good sign.

NACHO: He bought the sign, too?

What will
you call it?"

      "Hmm..." Duncan looked in the chameleon's eyes again.

NACHO: <Duncan> Iris! No, wait... Pupil! Wait... what's the word for the
yellow part again?

"How
does 'George' sound to you?"

ALL: Stupid.

ACE: <Chameleon> What do I look like, a monkey?

NACHO: <Duncan> Duh, hey, George, I got a idea! Wanna go play in the
park?

ACE: <George> Ah, shaddap! (smacks Duncan)

The chameleon seemed content with this
name.

SHEILA: It's clearly biding its time until it becomes big enough to snap
him in half.

      "George?  Then again, one of my owls was named Alphonse, so I
can't really claim superiority."

SHEILA: <Alphonse Elric> Hey!

Draco checked his pocket watch.
"Sadly, we must hurry if we are to meet your mother's deadline."

NACHO: <Duncan> Come on... she's my mother, not my editor.

      Duncan cast a last wistful look at Diagon Alley as the stone
wall swallowed it up.

NACHO: <Rock-biter> When are you going to learn the difference between a
rock and Diagon Alley?


                   TO BE CONTINUED

ACE: And once again, the suspense is tense enough to cause mild bloating
and bladder problems.

Comments, questions?

SHEILA: What exactly happened to make Draco Malfoy turn into "Dear Old
Uncle Draco"? Was it really a relationship with a gender-changed Harriet
Potter?

ACE: What the hell kind of lizard name is "George"?

NACHO: I assume he's just a fan of Daniel Manus Pinkwater's "Lizard
Music".

ACE: That would be "Reynold".

JUNK: What's going to happen to the sexual tension now that Zelda's no
longer in the story?

NACHO: I've got one. What the heck does the title "... And Justice For
All?" mean?

ACE: Will we find out the answers in the next exciting installment?

SHEILA: Or at least in the next chapter of this story?

SKJAM!

ALL: (disappear in a SKJAM!)

<END FANFIC>

SHEILA: Well, wasn't that convenient? The author gave us an opportunity
to ask all the questions we usually save for the ending, so we can
dispense with the usual outro and just call it a chapter.

NACHO: I don't know... we should probably act out a scene or something.

ACE: What, you mean like "... And Justice For All, the musical, act
one"?

NACHO: Sure...

(The music begins)

ACE: <Duncan> Mama... just spelled a man. He got me quite upset, now
he's just a shaggy pet.

NACHO: <Duncan> Papa... why'd you hold me back? Gotta leave you all
behind and find the truth.

SHEILA: <Draco> Dursleys... Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... I'll steal your kid away.
I know you wish he'd never been born at all!

NACHO: <Duncan> I see a scary silhouette of a man...

ACE: <Owl> Scary hoot! Scary hoot!

SHEILA: <Dudley> What'd you do to my dang door?

ACE: <Weather> Thunderbolt and lightning, very frightening cliche!

SHEILA: <Duncan> I'm just a fat boy, from a fat family.

NACHO: <Dudley> Spare me your lies, you're a monstrosity!

JUNK: <Duncan> Scared of Mum, Da can't know. I think I should go.

NACHO: <Dudley> Ungrateful brat! I will not let you go!

SHEILA: <Zelda> Let him go!

NACHO: <Dudley> I will not let him go!

ACE: <Draco> Kablammo!

NACHO: <Dudley> All right, he can go!

ALL: <Duncan> Now lets go-o-o-o!

SHEILA: <Draco> Harry Potter, Harriet Potter, I name-drop incessantly.

ACE: <Duncan> Dear old Uncle Draco has a shark-lady put aside for me...
for me... AIEEEEEE!

SHEILA: <Draco> So you think I can school you and teach you to fly?

ACE: <Cuchulain> So you knew I was different and never asked why?

JUNK: <Ollivander> Oh, baby! Grasp my wand firmly, baby!

NACHO: <Duncan> I've gotta get out - Ooh! I get a pet out of here!

ACE: <Duncan> What a neat chameleon, nobody can see.

SHEILA: <George> Names don't really matter to me.

(The music ends)

NACHO: I'm not sure we should be ripping off music that's THAT famous.

ACE: Pfft. That was such a horrible parody that nobody will ever
recognize it.

NACHO: Of course. Saved by incompetence.

SHEILA: We've had worse endings.

ACE: Let's hope the next chapter isn't one of those.

JUNK: You know, I almost never get to talk during the outro. Wouldn't it
be something if we ended with a line from me?

NACHO: Yeah, we should do that sometime.

REALLY REAL PRODUCTIONS IS:
NIDOKING

... AND JUSTICE FOR ALL? is by Scott K. "SKJAM" Jamison

"Bohemian Rhapsody" is by Queen... not that anyone knows why I mention
that here.

-

"Yes.  It was short, and did not sell well.  Let us
never speak of it again."

---------------------------------------------------------

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do
it himself.

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