Obscure Crossover Theater: Plunging the depths of fandom, so you
don't have to.
********************
Stanley Ipkiss was having a really bad day.
A really, really, REALLY bad day.
It had started when his toilet backed up and overflowed, got worse
when a freak thunderstorm drenched him and ruined his suit, and the
hot dog for lunch had left him sitting in the bathroom for his entire
lunch hour, feeling like his internal organs were trying to exit his
body through his intestines. After that, Mrs. Gillicuddy got offended
at his suggestion for her CD and whacked him with her purse, Charlie
had lost two account registers, and, just to cap it all off, the bank
had been robbed.
Now he trudged home, hands in pockets and wondered if life was worth
it. He was going home to an empty apartment, his girlfriend Tina was
doing a calendar shoot in the Bahamas and had taken Milo the dog with
her. The little devil was photogenic as hell and Tina was determined
to make the most of it.
Sighing, Stanley trudged onwards and then stopped as he noticed the
wallet lying on the sidewalk. He picked it up and opened it. There
was still money inside, which really surprised him. Edge City made
New York look like utopia when it came to crime, and to find an
wallet with money still in it was a surprise.
However, Stanley was probably the last nice guy in Edge City, and
while it was a curse at times, it had also brought him Tina, so he
supposed that it balanced out. Sighing, he looked through the wallet
to see if he could find some way to contact the owner. Finally, he
found a slip of paper with a name and phone number. An out of town
one. Lovely. He dug in his pocket for his cell phone and dialed.
The phone rang twice and then a male voice. "This be Stanley."
"Hi, I found your wallet. Uh, I can bring it over, if you like."
"Sure thing, I'm over at the rec center right now, actually."
Stanley blinked, he was a couple of blocks from the rec center as it
was. Huh. "Okay, I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Word. Thanks, man."
"Sure, no problem." Stanley hung up and started walking again.
*******************
Stanley was a lean black man and his first words to Stanley was;
"Damn, you look like hell."
Stanley managed a weak grin. "One of those days."
"I hear that. Name's Stanley, I'm just doing some consult work here
in Edge City. Trying to set up a dance program here."
"Stanley," Stanley replied. "Bank officer. I got two left feet."
That got a laugh. "Huh, two Stanleys. How about that? Well how about
I get you some coffee? No offense man, but you look like you need it."
"Nah, it's okay, you don't have to."
"Man, I owe you something at least for returning my wallet, and like
I said, you look like you need it." He pushed Stanley into a chair
next to a table. On the table was a black duffel bag. "Just sit here
a minute." He hurried off.
Stanley sighed and set his briefcase on the table and then frowned.
There was something coming from the duffel bag, it felt like, like
hate. Stanley blinked as an answering feeling washed out from his
briefcase and he fumbled it open. It lay there, several green wooden
boards bound with iron and crude face carved into them.
The mask. It didn't look like much, but when Stanley put it on, he
could do anything, be anything, and he had. When Stanley put on the
mask, he lost all inhibition, was free to do what he liked, he liked
feeling that way and that scared him to death. But no matter what, he
couldn't get rid of it. Somehow, some way, the Mask kept coming back
to him.
So, he kept it in his briefcase because he didn't want Tina finding
it, and Milo would put it on in a heartbeat. A jack russell terrier
with that kind of power was a terrifying thought.
"Nice mask," Stanley said, coming up behind him and Stanley jumped.
"Uh, thanks. Good luck piece! Yeah."
Stanley, however, was frowning at his duffel bag and then at the mask
in Stanley's hands. "Where'd you get it?"
"Uh, found it. Flea market. Impulse buy."
It was then that the bag spoke.
"You want some of this?"
"Yeah, we put you away once, we'll do it again."
"Come on, bring it!"
The two men looked at each other in comical terror as the mask
snarled, writhing in Stanley's hands, pulling towards the duffel bag.
Then Stanley picked up his duffel. "The roof," he said. "This way."
Stanley slammed his briefcase shut and followed.
*******************
Up on the roof, Stanley opened the duffel to reveal a pair of shoes.
They had large, comical eyes, and those were narrowed in hate.
The mask snarled again. Hovering under its own power, glowing with
green energy.
"Flea Market, you said?" Stanley asked as the shoes jumped up and
down, shouting insults as the mask.
"Found it floating in the river. I think it has Loki inside it."
"Cease this, both of you!" A woman hovered at the rooftop edge,
dressed in flowing white robes. "I am Eutarpe, patron of musicians
and dance. You, Stanley Ipkiss, you have surmised correctly. That is
Loki within the mask. As a honest person in a sea of corruption, you
are Loki's jailer, so long as wearing the mask does not corrupt you
and you withstand his influence."
"Um . . . what?"
Eutarpe ignored him. "Stanley Burrell, you are the latest to wield
the shoes in your guise as the Hammerman. Their history is ancient,
and they are the source of the myth of the Seven League Boots. In
putting them on, you have become the Hammer, the source of the tales
of Hercules, and Gilgamesh. As your power is music, you are my
champion and the a match for Loki's corruption."
"Um . . . what?"
"This meeting was by my design. I have a task for the both of you. If
you succeed, I promise glory, if you fail, the world will suffer."
"Can I ask my girlfriend about this?" Both men asked in unison.
"No."
"Damn."
********************
Hammerman was a 13 episode cartoon that ran at the end of the CBS
Saturday Morning cartoon block from 1991-1992. Created at the height
of rapper M.C. Hammer's career, who provided the voice for the main
character, the show revolved around a young man named Stanley Burell
(Hammer's real name) who inherited a pair of magical shoes from their
previous wielder and used them as the superhero Hammerman. Set in the
fictitious city of Oaktown, Stanley split his time working at the
city's rec center with kids, and battling supervillans with music.
Literally.
Sadly, poor quality animation and worse time slot led to the show's
demise.
Disclaimer: Hammerman is the creation of M.C. Hammer, the Mask of
Dark Horse Comics. No money is being made from this, and no such
intent should be inferred.
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