My two cents... since I've done some writing on Naruto.
----- Original Message -----
From: "David Johnston" <rgorman@telusplanet.net>
To: "Legendary Legacy" <legendary_legacy20@hotmail.com>
Cc: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Friday, October 13, 2006 5:34 PM
Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fanfic] [Naruto] [AU] The Pride of Suna, Prologue
Ah, back from my vacation.
Legendary Legacy wrote:
I'm a bit new to this FFML thing, so if something goes wrong with my
message
or anything, I apologize.
The Pride of Suna
By Legendary Legacy
A Naruto Fanfiction
<snippage>
Prologue
"Give the scroll to me, Naruto!"
"Naruto, you can't let him have it!"
Uzumaki Naruto's mind felt like a torrent as he turned back and forth
I'm sorry, a what? "torrent" does not make sense. "Whirlpool" might
work better. Although that's his name.
Actually his name is Fishcake. "Naruto" is a type of steamed fishcake loaf
made from ground up polloc. Uzumaki means "Spiral". It's a pun on his
devotion to ramen because the stereotypical ramen bowl of Japan is served
with two or more slices of a pink and white colored spiral fishcake with a
spiral pattern in it. I used that pun in a fic where I had Mitarashi Anko
steal his ramen as a prank and take a bath in it. He came looking for it
and she invited him to join her in the bath... "Ramen without a little
Naruto in it just isn't right. Don't you agree, Na...ru... to?"
I'd say something like "Naruto's eyes flitted back and forth between the
two, anding to his dizziness and confusion." I'd avoid describing his
mental state. Show... don't tell.
between the two speakers. The first, Mizuki-sensei, was smirking down
at
him from a high tree branch, while Iruka-sensei, the second speaker, was
pinned to the wall of a small wooden shed by several kunai, one of which
wa
buried deep into his right leg.
The whole day had seemingly gone from bad to worse. After failing his
genin
exam for the third time that morning,
Gotta fix that. It sounds like you're saying that he's taken his genin
exam three times that morning... failing it each time. I know what you
mean, but just because I do doesn't mean other readers will.
Naruto had fallen into a deep
depression until Mizuki had come to him with a secret. He'd said that
if
Naruto managed to steal the village's scroll of secret techniques and
learn
them, he'd still be able to become a genin.
Actually he said that it was an alternate way to pass, not just that he
could become a genin. The way it's written it sounds like this was his
last chance, and that since he had failed that he couldn't ever try again.
Clarify what you mean here.
He succeeded in getting the scroll, and then after practicing for a
while,
"He succeeded" is present tense
"He'd succeeded" is past tense
Since your other tenses were past tense you need to maintain 3rd person
past passive voice.
managed to master the first technique right before Iruka had shown up.
For
some reason, he'd seemed awfully surprised when Naruto had told him
about
Mizuki's special test.
But now everything seemed to be falling apart.
You mean that most things didn't always seem to fall apart around Naruto?
this is new for him?
"Listen to me, Naruto," Iruka begged while prying the kunai from his
leg.
"Mizuki tricked you into stealing the scroll so he could take it for
himself! The whole 'test' was just a sham!"
Mizuki laughed. "Don't listen to a word he says, Naruto. He's just
scared.
You can see it in his eyes." He pointed toward his fellow chunin just
to
prove his point. "He doesn't want you to have that scroll because he
doesn't want you getting stronger."
Naruto's eyes widened. "What?" He turned back to Iruka, who in turn
was
still glaring up at Mizuki.
Again... maintain the tense. "...was still glaring up at Mizuki." is
present tense,
I'd drop the "in turn" it sounds clunky.
"In fact," he continued. "Neither Iruka, the Hokage, nor anyone else in
this entire village even want you to become a genin."
"That isn't true, Mizuki!" Iruka shouted.
Hmmm... that feels off to me. From a character standpoint, I'd think he'd
be talking to Naruto. Iruka is a teacher, and he has to deal with Naruto
on a daily basis. Naruto craves personal attention. Iruka would know this
and be used to talking directly to Naruto to get his attention.
"Oh, isn't it?" he asked mockingly. "Then tell me, Iruka: Why has the
final test for the genin exam these last three times been Bunshin no
Jutsu
when you know full well that it's Naruto's worst technique?"
Well hey, it's not like Naruto was all that good at any of the other
techniques either until Kakashi started teaching him.
Naruto: T_T ....Iruka sensei, the fanfiction authors are being mean to me
again.
Though to be fair, what did Kakashi ever teach him other than the walking
up trees thing? Until the after the time skippa I mean.
"That's not the reason!"
Mizuki gave him another mockingly shocked look. "It's not? Well what
other
reason could you have for continuously using Bunshin no Jutsu for the
final
test when there are several other techniques that could be used instead?
Henge...Kawarimi...hell, we've even passed students for performing a
simple
Shunshin no Jutsu in the past. And here you will stand there and say
that
you have no ulterior motives for targeting only Naruto's weakness among
all
the students?"
Naruto could feel chills' running up and down his body from the way the
conversation was going. Iruka may have been harder on him than most of
the
other students, but he wouldn't have blatantly tried to keep him from
becoming a ninja.
Would he? The look on Iruka's face showed of barely repressed guilt.
But...no, he still couldn't believe it. It was only yesterday that
Iruka
had taken him out for ramen. That had probably been the nicest thing
that
anyone had ever done for him in his whole life. Why would he do that
unless...
Unless he already knew that Naruto was going to fail his exam and was
just
trying to cheer him up beforehand. Naruto was thinking so much he
almost
missed the rest of the conversation that was still going on.
"The only reason I treat Naruto harder than the others is because he has
the
lowest marks in the academy," Iruka answered. "I have to make sure that
he's fully ready to become a ninja before I pass him or he'll just be in
over his head."
Mizuki suddenly turned very serious. "And you're saying that it has
absolutely nothing to do with your parents, Iruka?"
A look of pain washed over Iruka's face, while one of bewilderment
appeared
on Naruto's.
"Parents? What do I have to do with them?"
"Don't say a word, Mizuki!" Iruka demanded. "You know the law!"
Law? Naruto wondered silently. Now there was some sort of law he didn't
know about? Why was everything so confusing all of a sudden? Naruto
could
feel a headache, as well as a strange pain in his abdomen, starting to
build.
"Naruto," Mizuki said quietly after a slight pause. "How many times
have
you had to ask yourself, 'What have I done? What did I ever do to make
an
entire village hate me?' I imagine it must have been many times,
because we
both know that their hatred runs much deeper than the results of a few
harmless pranks, correct?"
"Mizuki!" Iruka shouted.
"Shut up!" Mizuki spat. "Why should Naruto be the only one left in the
dark? Doesn't he deserve to know the truth?"
"But the Hokage-!"
"You want to know the truth, don't you Naruto?" Mizuki asked, ignoring
Iruka's continued pleas.
The need to sort out all of the confusing thoughts in his head coupled
with
the natural curiosity of a young boy made Naruto immediately start
nodding
his head. "Yes, tell me!"
Too talky for my taste. We don't really need all that explanation for
why Naruto would want to know. It's self-evident.
Agreed.. too much exposition...too much time for Iruka to do his
Chalkboard summoning no jutsu (the first step in his powerful sleep
enducing technique: Yadda Yadda no jutsu)
"I won't let you!" Iruka yelled, sprinting forward and up the tree to
where
Mizuki stood.
What? no leaps?
Mizuki watched, chuckling lightly as Iruka grabbed a kunai
and slashed at his face.
Dude!... Mizuki is a throwing weapon type... His tai-jutsu sucks. Even a
buncha Naruto clones kicked his ass in the manga. Why's he letting Iruka
get all in his face. That's a prime way to get dead.
Before it could make contact, he blocked with a
kunai of his own and sent a sharp kick into Iruka's injured knee,
Okay... I'm going to point this out because I see this knee injury
mentioned repeatedly in the story.
First off, the Kunai hit Iruka in the upper leg in the manga, In the thigh
to be precise, not the knee. You keep talking about his knee being injured
throughout the fic, what is it, an old football injurty? Either start in
the knee and expressly say that it's was lodged in his knee, or fix all
the mentions of the "injured knee" in the fic. Just pointing out the
continuity issue here.
following
it with a fast jab to his chin. The scar-faced chunin let out a croak
of
pain as he lost his initial balance and tumbled unceremoniously to the
ground.
"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto called to his fallen teacher. He moved forward
to
see if he was okay but was cut off when Mizuki landed in front of him.
He
took a small step back before the older man placed a firm hand on his
shoulder.
"Naruto, twelve years ago a nine-tailed demon fox attacked the village.
The
fox killed over one hundred villagers, two of which were Iruka's
parents."
Naruto struggled to hold down the growing nervousness inside him, but
was
unable to keep himself from shivering. "S-so...what's that have to do
with
me? I mean, I know about the Kyubi. He attacked the village and the
Yondaime sacrificed himself to kill it."
"Not kill, Naruto," Mizuki corrected, letting a small grin form on his
face.
"Seal. The Kyubi was sealed away, within the body of a newborn
child."
Just to help, it's Kyuubi.
His shaking grew worse, his subconscious already beginning to understand
before the rest of his mind. "N...newborn?"
"You, Naruto."
Time seemed to stand still for Naruto upon hearing those words.
"I...demon...?" Realizing he didn't even seem capable of rational
thought
anymore, he simply turned his gaze to the ground below him, lost in a
trance
as all of the pieces began to fit themselves together.
How do you realize that you're not capable of rational thought? Isn't that
self contradicting? If you realized you weren't capable of rational
thought, you'd have to be rational to have such a realization.
All the cold glares he received, all of the threats and abuse, both
physical
and emotional, and the loneliness...
Drop the "both physical and emotional" it's unneeded. Abuse is enough to
convey the meaning.
Without even thinking, he slowly reached up and placed his hand against
his
stomach, right where his ugly 'birthmark' was.
Ummm... it's always been invisible until Ero-senin groped his tummy, and
even then it only appeared every once in a while.
As much as he wanted to deny
it, shout at the top of his lungs that it wasn't true, call Mizuki a
liar,
deep down he knew it was true.
needs to be trimmed, too clunky and you used "true" too much.
Maybe something like
As much as he wanted to deny it, say that it was all a lie, somehow he
knew that Mizuki had told him the truth.
He was still lost in his stupor when Mizuki placed another hand on his
other
shoulder.
Clunky.. and unneeded. drop the whole both hands on his shoulders thing
unless it's 100% needed for something.
"I know it's hard to accept, Naruto, but now you know the truth.
again... too much use of the word true or truth.
We can't handle the truth.
You carry
the Kyubi inside you. That's why everyone in the village hates you so
passionately.
Kill the "so passionately". He's a kid...say "so much" or leave it off
entirely. Eou don't say passionately to a 12 or 13 year old without
people thinking you're a pedofile.
That's why Iruka and the others don't want you to succeed as
a ninja. And that's why, no matter how hard you work and how deeply you
dream, you will never be made the great Hokage and be acknowledged by
all
your doubters, because no matter what you do, no one is going to see
Uzumaki
Naruto. All they're going to see is the container of the demon fox that
ruined so many of their lives."
Each word spoken felt like a knife wound piercing all over Naruto's
body,
the last part about not becoming a Hokage he felt right in the center of
his
heart.
"And that is also why..." Mizuki continued softly. "I now have to kill
you."
D'oh!
Before the statement had even registered, Naruto felt a sharp pain in
his
side as Mizuki kicked him with full force, sending him crashing into the
trunk of a tree where he crumpled limply to the ground.
As opposed to less than full force?
Naruto: Ha!, Mizuki sensei... That was only 2/3rds of your full force.
Let's try that again. I know you can hit me harder than that.
Also, you need to break that up and trim out the useless stuff. Again,
show, don't tell. It's not good to tell us about the internal thoughts of
the characters, or what they feel internally. Show us.
For example
Mizuki's statement didn't even have a chance to register with Naruto
before the silver haired Chuunin executed a vicious side snap kick to the
right side of the blonde boy's ribs, hurling him into a nearby oak, face
first. (the reader can imagine him laying there crumpled)
A light chuckle escaped the throat of the white-haired traitor. He
casually
picked up the discarded forbidden scroll with one hand, and grabbed one
of
the giant shuriken from his back with the other.
"I can't say that you haven't been very helpful, monster. But I'm
afraid
that from this point onward you'd just be getting in my way." He began
twirling the shuriken over his head. "Enjoy your eternal Hell, demon!"
He brought his arm down to let the shuriken fly, but was stopped when a
recovered Iruka grabbed his arm, causing the shuriken to sail off
harmlessly
in the wrong direction.
"Stop this, Mizuki," Iruka begged, trying to keep all his weight on his
one
good leg. "Why are you doing all of this?"
Mizuki glared at him in annoyance. "For power, Iruka. More than the
Hokage
would ever allow me to possess. But if you wanted to die first so
badly,
all you had to do was say so!" Pulling out another kunai, he made to
slash
at his former partner's face
Iruka was never his partner. He was just there to observe the testing from
all indication.
but was countered by Iruka's own kunai.
Unfortunately, Iruka once again left himself wide open for another
attack on
his damaged knee, which Mizuki capitalized upon, and Iruka fell to the
ground again, clutching his leg in agony.
Mizuki unhooked the second shuriken from his back and stood victoriously
over his fallen comrade. "I've been hoping for a moment like this for a
long time, Iruka. Goodbye."
Y'know, a ninja who just acted without talking about it would be
devastating in that universe.
----------
Darkness.
The sound of dripping water.
A musty feeling in the air.
He definitely wasn't in the forest anymore.
Opening his eyes, Naruto took in his strange new surroundings. If he
wasn't
mistaken, he appeared to be in a sewer of some kind.
Again... trim out the useless stuff. You're getting too wordy. If he
wasn't mistaken? You gotta remember, this is Naruto we're talking about.
Naruto is not complex. He doesn't use words like appears or mistaken.
Stuff either is or isn't for him. Sasuke is Sasuke-teme.. not Sasuke-kun.
Keep things concrete for Naruto, the mood fits him better.
Did Konoha even have
sewers?
Of course it does. Even if they are only for training purposes. Ninja's
have to know how to sneak in through sewers at times, and do a quite
"Ancient Ninja laundry secret" technique so that their clothes are April
fresh afterwards.
More importantly, what had become of Iruka-sensei and
Mizuki-sensei? The last thing he could remember was Mizuki saying he
was
going to ki...
"Am I...dead?" he asked. He sure hoped not, what sort of afterlife
involved
a sewer? But on the other hand, it did seem to represent the way his
life
had turned out, he supposed.
Again with the supposed stuff.
Naruto is not the introspective Emo kid. That's Sasuke.
Naruto is the "Anything can be solved if you apply Rasengan enough times
it." kid
Unsure of what to do, he simply began walking through the dingy
corridors,
hoping that maybe they'd lead to some place a little less...stinky.
Okay... now that is classic Naruto. Good job.
He didn't have to go far before he found himself standing before a
gigantic
rusty gate, which had a small paper seal attached it. He was about to
turn
and walk the other way when he suddenly felt an enormous amount of power
coming from the other side of the gates. He took a step forward and
immediately fell backward when a large animalistic face appeared before
him.
"Well, well, well," the creature growled. "Twelve years together and
you
finally decide to visit."
Oh shit! Kyuubi is a Jewish Mother.
Kyuubi: 12 years and not a single letter, would it kill you to write? And
my paws, arthritis, I'm telling you. Oh, but I'm sure that you have so
many more important things to do than drain the water out of these sewers
in your head. And while we're on the subject of your head, what sort of a
haircut is that. And what do you call that outfit you're wearing? Is that
what a respectable ninja wears? No, I don't think so. Oy VYE!
Naruto stared up in awe of the thing before him. "You...you're the...?"
"So I guess the secret's out, huh?" it replied in what must have been a
mocking tone. "You may refer to me as Kyubi-sama, or just Master if you
prefer."
Whoa.. whoa... hold the bus. This is Kyuubi... the angry demon type guy
with a high level of self respect. I've read too many fics where Kyuubi
gets all friendly with Naruto and stuff. They are all bad. Please don't go
down that road. /
"
Naruto hung his head. "Then it really was true." He could feel tears
beginning to creep into his eyes, but fought them down and glared up at
the
demon fox. "It's all because of you that everyone in the village hates
me!"
The Kyubi snorted, an action that almost blew Naruto off his feet. "Now
that's hardly fair, mortal. Really, do you think I enjoy being trapped
inside the body of a loudmouth weakling like you? If you want to blame
On the whole, I'd prefer "weak loudmouth", myself, not that there's
anything really wrong with the way you wrote it. It just sounds
stronger to me.
Hmmm.. and why precisely does Kyuubi care what Naruto thinks about him?
He's a demon... he should be attempting to corrupt him.
For example.
The Demon fox snorted, the force of his breath nearly knocking the blonde
over.
"Foolish child, come closer." the great fox grumbled.
Naruto edged closer to the bars in curiosity, only to scramble backward an
instant later when a huge, clawed, paw slammed against the gate. Three
huge black claws, each as long as a mammoth tusk and honed to the
sharpness of a knife, narrowly missed him.
"I want to eat you, little mortal. But this seal..." Kyuubi let out a low
growl.
"But "Hate you"?...They fear you, fool... they fear the power that I could
give you... if I had but a reason to grant it. "
someone, then blame the guy who stuck me in here."
That 'guy', Naruto knew, had been the Yondaime, the person Naruto had
admired for the majority of his life and one of the driving forces
behind
Naruto deciding to become Hokage himself. But all of the admiration he
felt
was now being rivaled by the seer amount of bitterness he was feeling
upon
sheer
learning the truth about himself.
Too wordy.
Why had the Yondaime picked him? Was it
more convenient since he didn't have parents or something?
Again, too wordy, and you used Yondaime incorrectly. The title becomes the
name. Noone called Sandaime, Sarutobi. He was just Sandaime.
Could have said,
Why had Yondaimepicked him? Was it because he didn't have parents?
"And just in case you're still curious," the fox interrupted his
thoughts.
"-we are still alive. And stop with all the self-pitying; it's
pathetic,
even for you. Besides, it's not like living with me inside you is
without
advantages."
Too friendly. Kyuubi looks at Naruto as a weak loser among the weak loser
humans. Kyuubi is the most powerful of all the tailed demons. He's super
powerful. You really got to get your mind around who and what he is to
really get him.
While the being alive part was comforting, Naruto was still growing
angrier
at the Kyubi. "Shut up, baka fox! What could you possibly do that
could
help me?"
The Kyubi grinned in a way that made him look even more sinister.
"Perhaps
a demonstration is in order?"
Oy. On one hand, I get the whole "give him a free taste to hook him on the
drug for later" thing, and I think that that's very Kyuubi-esque. On the
other hand, you're making it too easy.
Naruto watched on as a wave of blood red chakra began pouring through
the
gates and quickly began to surround his body. "Hey, what are you
doing?" he
asked in alarm.
"Just think of it as a temporary loan, human. My way of...paying the
rent,
you might say. You'll thank me for it later."
Naruto could slowly begin to feel himself returning to consciousness,
the
only thing left of the sewer was the demonic laughter of the Kyubi that
faded away behind him.
Ordinarily I see "Kyuubi" spelled with more than one "u". Doesn't mean
you're wrong of course. Schemes of romanisation differ.
Actually the transliteration is the kyu character with a extender... so
the correct trasnliteraion is Kyuubi.
----------
"What in the...?" Mizuki muttered.
He had been about to bring his shuriken down onto the body of Iruka,
when
out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a red aura coming from the body
of
the fox brat. Iruka, through the searing pain in his leg, noticed it as
well.
Dude, in the manga, Iruka took a direct hit from one of Mizuki's giant ass
shuriken to his SPINE, and kept going strong.
You're turning Iruka into a total puss. A couple leg hits like that,
compared to a huge spine hit and all the other damage Iruka took in the
manga... dude.
"Naruto?" he whispered.
Naruto silently climbed back to his feet, turning a deathly and feral
gaze
to Mizuki, accentuated by his now red eyes and more defined whisker
marks.
Even his canine teeth and fingernails had grown longer and sharper.
Neither
chunin moved as they watched the boy adopt an animal-like position on
his
hands and feet.
You might want to redo this one section. Deathly doesn't work here at
all.
Also, why would he stand up, only to then crouch down on all fours?
Doesn't make a lot of sense. I'd stick to him glowing, then rolling up
onto all fours directly, an aura the color of blood lashing along his
frame as he growled ferally and pinned Mizuki with a crimson eyes glare.
Mizuki finally shook off his surprise and began spinning his weapon
again.
Spinning? He throws the stars, the torque of the throw spins them, he
doesn't have to spin them up first.
"I don't know what you're up to brat, but you're still going to die
now!"
So saying, he sent the shuriken flying towards the boy.
...up to, brat, but you're going to die... right now.
Also, the So saying... line is clunky, think about rewording.
What happened next was too quick for the traitor to follow. In the
blink of
an eye, Naruto had jumped over the shuriken and sprung himself from the
tree
The tree was a prison?
He sprung himself from the tree.
Apparently the Keebler elves are moving into sub contracting for the
prison system.
reword.
trunk behind him toward Mizuki. The next thing Mizuki felt was an
explosion
of pain as Naruto raked him across the face with his claw-like
fingernails.
He barely had time to cover his face and scream in pain before Naruto
rebounded back and drove his foot into the back of his head, sending him
into a dark and blissfully painless slumber.
Slumber? He knocked his ass out. That's not slumber.
Iruka watched the entire exchange, all of which hadn't taken more than
ten
seconds, with a look of horror on his face.
Okay, less then ten seconds but more than what? fire? If that whole thing
was over in 5 why couldn't the other guy follow the movements? There
wasn't all THAT much going on.
If it was really all that fast, how come Iruka could follow it, but
Mizuki, who basically laughed off Iruka's attacks, couldn't? Mizuki handed
Iruka his butt, but couldn't follow the attack, while Iruka could?
He didn't know how it was
possible, but he knew for a fact that this was not the Naruto that he
knew.
Show us ... don't tell us.
The eyes, the whiskers, the red chakra, they all told him the same
thing.
The Kyubi had taken control of its host. Iruka was now staring at the
monster that was responsible for killing his parents.
After making certain that Mizuki was not getting back up, Naruto turned
to
check on Iruka, but froze when he saw him. Instantly, the red aura
vanished
and his body returned to its normal state. The look that Iruka was
giving
him was one of unmistakable anger and fear, just like he'd seen every
day
from almost everyone else he knew. But somehow, it hurt a hell of a lot
more seeing it come from Iruka.
Show us, don't tell us. Give us the character's reactions and let those
tell the story. All this inner monolog is hurting the story.
Without a second thought, Naruto turned and ran into the forest.
Iruka's eyes widened in shock. "Naruto, wait!" He tried to run after
him,
but was stopped by the pain in his knee.
Wait... he was acting angry.. now he's not? Okay... I'm confused.
As to the knee thing...I mentioned it earlier. Kunai in thigh is not equal
to knee.
He cursed himself, knowing there
was no way he could catch up to the boy now.
"This is all my fault," he whispered.
----------
It was well past midnight when Iruka had returned with the scroll and an
unconscious Mizuki. After the entire ordeal was explained to the Hokage
and
the rest of the shinobi that were present,
Gah! Sandaime-sama, hasn't heard about debriefing in private? What about
"need to know?"
Sandaime:Well, Iruka, thanks for telling all of us about Naruto. Oh... and
that'll be at least a dozen counts of you breaking my law about talking
about Naruto and his little guest in front of people... have a nice time
in ninja jail.
the Sandaime had issued for
everyone to comb the area for Naruto.
Ninja red-shirt #1: Hey, Watanabe-san, didn't Iruka tell us that Naruto
went all Kyuubi on him earlier?
Ninja red-shirt #2:Yeah, so?
Ninja red-shirt #1:So... we're out here in the middle of the night, alone,
chasing the demon that nearly killed the entire village. Doesn't that
sound really stupidly dangerous for us?
Ninja red-shirt #2:I... I see your point.
Ninja red-shirt #1:Hmmm...
Ninja red-shirt #2: What do you think we should do?
Ninja red-shirt #1:Well, I hear there's this new shabu shabu and Udon
place near the soap land district... maybe Naruto is hiding there. Kitsune
are supposed to like fried bean curd. (Kitsune Udon)
Ninja red-shirt #2:Sounds like a good idea... err... I mean it sounds like
a good place to check. I hear that they have an "all the sake you can
drink for 5 ryo special after 11."
Ninja red-shirt #1:hmmm... we might have to stake the place out, Kitsune
are supposed to love sake too. Maybe we can get him drunk on a bunch of it
and capture him.
Ninja red-shirt #2:I'm liking this idea more and more. It's a cunning
plan, one worthy of a Konohagakure ninja.
Ninja red-shirt #1:Right, and to insure that the sake is strong enough,
we'll have to taste test it first.
Ninja red-shirt #2: The sacrifices we make....Race you there.
Now everyone was back in front of the
ninja academy.
No one had seen anything of Naruto, save for a small trail that had led
out
of the village.
Surprising that he can't be tracked.
You'd want to track him?
When everyone had settled down, Sarutobi Asuma was the
first to speak.
"What do we do about this, Hokage-sama? We have the scroll back and we
now
know that it was Mizuki who caused all of this, but in regards to the
boy
himself..."
A ninja standing directly behind Iruka grunted. "Why don't we just
leave
him go? It'd save the village a lot of trouble."
Let him go
Without warning, Iruka turned and slugged the man in the face.
Wha? wha happened?
Iruka needs his meds. He's all over the place emotionally. He's totally
unpredictable.
Iruka is the calm, nurturing guy... not this wild face punching person.
He was
quickly restrained by two others before he did further damage.
Give me 200 mg of Prozac in a saline solution and a dose of penta barbatol
for this wild man.
"You don't know anything about that boy!" he shouted. "You'd realize
that
if you ever bothered to look at HIM and not just the thing that's sealed
inside him!"
"Please calm yourself, Iruka," the Hokage told him. "I know how you're
feeling but fighting amongst ourselves won't help matters any."
I'm glad someone knows how Iruka is feeling, because I'm totally lost.
When did calm, mild mannered (cept when he's yelling at Naruto for being a
dumbass) Iruka turn into Face Punching Man?
"If I may, Hokage-sama?"
Everyone turned to the back where a silver-haired man with
three-quarters of
his face covered up was slowly approaching.
"You're late, Kakashi," the Hokage reprimanded.
Hatake Kakashi blinked with his one exposed eye. "Well you see, while
out
investigating, a single magpie flew by me so I had to go to a temple and
purify myself."
One of his more lame excuses.
Kakashi could do better.
Kakashi: Ahhh, I'm very sorry, Hokage-sama. I was out star gazing and the
moon hit my eye like a big pizza pie.
Hokage: <pause> I am not going to say, "That's amore", Hatake-san.
Kakashi: Spoilsport.
Various mutterings of disbelief were heard from the crowd.
"Please get on with it, Kakashi," the Hokage urged impatiently.
"Yes, well...all we really have to worry about is finding the boy and
explaining things to him. Since Uzumaki Naruto failed to pass his genin
exams today, it's not possible for us to label him as a Missing Nin,
because
obviously, he's not a ninja yet. That means that once we find him and
convince him to come back, there will be no need for any sort of
punishment."
Iruka grinned widely in relief while the Hokage hid a smile of his own.
No
one could argue with that sort of logic.
Dude! Iruka is totally bi-polar in this fic. I'm scared.
"I want you all to get some rest," he announced. "We'll begin a broader
search at sunrise."
As everyone began to disperse, Kakashi patted Iruka on the shoulder.
"Beat
up Mizuki all by himself, did he?"
So he was watching and listening from a distance during the whole thing?
Otherwise, how did he know this?
Seeing Iruka nod, he grinned, or at
least it was probably a grin judging by the one eye. "No worries,
alright?"
Iruka just nodded again before gazing up at the night sky.
"I'm really sorry, Naruto."
End Prologue
----------
I hope you enjoyed it, but don't hesitate to say if you didn't. I'd
like to
believe that it's as good as the people on ff.net say it is, but when I
see
that my current favorite story, which has twice the number of chapters,
over
ten times the amount of text and is just a real kick-ass fic, has less
reviews than mine,
First off, do not use Fanfiction.net as a gauge for how "good" a fic is.
There is some real crap on that site that has a brazillion (my favorite
number, it's like a million... only more south american) reviews... all
positive.
Honestly, I like the premise. Naruto coming into his status as the 4ths
legacy from the begining. The thing is, have you read the whole manga
series? If so, you probably know by now that Kyuubi and Naruto's reliance
on his power became a major problem for Naruto in Part II so far. If not,
email me directly and I'll help you get all caught up. You really need to
know what happened to Naruto as time progressed vis a vis the Kyuubi
powers.
I'd really tone down Iruka, you've got him bouncing all over the place,
and being fairly helpless at the same time. Give the characters' credit
for their skills.
You seem to be creative, I'm sure you can still carry off the same plot
with keeping everyone in character.
I'm not sure where you are going with Naruto and the Kyuubi, but FF.net is
full to the brim with stories of Kyuubi and Naruto becoming pals, and him
acting as Naruto's personal teacher, trainer, power supply, what have
you... and helping him learn hidden and forgotten godly jutsu's that
require "special" (demon vessel only) chakra to power them. Be true to
Kyuubi and you'll have more fun I being creative I think. Think of Kyuubi
as a dark and power evil sorcerer king... but without the cliche cackeling
or the Voldemort-like stupidity. Play him haughty, cunning, and
mischievious (not , heh heh, I short sheeted your bed... I'm talking about
more of a , heh heh... I tricked you into making a fool of yourself, kind
of thing.)
Could be people are just having more trouble keeping up with it.
I tend to question their overall judgement. -_-
It's a good start.
Agreed, a good start, and Kakashi was pretty much in character.