Ah, back from my vacation.

Legendary Legacy wrote:

I'm a bit new to this FFML thing, so if something goes wrong with my message 
or anything, I apologize.

Anyway, I've been posting this story to fanfiction.net for a few months now, 
and even though I've recieved many positive reviews for it, it's next to 
impossible to get any real indepth critiquing about it.  So I was hoping I 
might get a bit more help with that from here.  Any C&C at all; good, bad, 
changes that need made, spelling errors or whatever, would be greatly 
appreciated, because I'm sure that I can still make this better than it is.
----------


The Pride of Suna
By Legendary Legacy
A Naruto Fanfiction


Typical Disclaimer:  (Insert stupid comment about what I'd change if I owned 
Naruto.)

Real Disclaimer:  Naruto and all the characters and settings therein are the 
creative and legal property of Masashi Kishimoto.  This story is being 
written without permission and without intent of profit.  The plot is, to 
the best of my knowledge, my own.
----------

Prologue


"Give the scroll to me, Naruto!"

"Naruto, you can't let him have it!"

Uzumaki Naruto's mind felt like a torrent as he turned back and forth

I'm sorry, a what?  "torrent" does not make sense.  "Whirlpool" might 
work better.  Although that's his name.

between the two speakers.  The first, Mizuki-sensei, was smirking down at 
him from a high tree branch, while Iruka-sensei, the second speaker, was 
pinned to the wall of a small wooden shed by several kunai, one of which was 
buried deep into his right leg.

The whole day had seemingly gone from bad to worse.  After failing his genin 
exam for the third time that morning, Naruto had fallen into a deep 
depression until Mizuki had come to him with a secret.  He'd said that if 
Naruto managed to steal the village's scroll of secret techniques and learn 
them, he'd still be able to become a genin.

He succeeded in getting the scroll, and then after practicing for a while, 
managed to master the first technique right before Iruka had shown up.  For 
some reason, he'd seemed awfully surprised when Naruto had told him about 
Mizuki's special test.

But now everything seemed to be falling apart.

"Listen to me, Naruto," Iruka begged while prying the kunai from his leg.  
"Mizuki tricked you into stealing the scroll so he could take it for 
himself!  The whole 'test' was just a sham!"

Mizuki laughed.  "Don't listen to a word he says, Naruto.  He's just scared. 
  You can see it in his eyes."  He pointed toward his fellow chunin just to 
prove his point.  "He doesn't want you to have that scroll because he 
doesn't want you getting stronger."

Naruto's eyes widened.  "What?"  He turned back to Iruka, who in turn was 
still glaring up at Mizuki.

"In fact," he continued.  "Neither Iruka, the Hokage, nor anyone else in 
this entire village even want you to become a genin."

"That isn't true, Mizuki!" Iruka shouted.

"Oh, isn't it?" he asked mockingly.  "Then tell me, Iruka:  Why has the 
final test for the genin exam these last three times been Bunshin no Jutsu 
when you know full well that it's Naruto's worst technique?"

Well hey, it's not like Naruto was all that good at any of the other 
techniques either until Kakashi started teaching him.

"That's not the reason!"

Mizuki gave him another mockingly shocked look.  "It's not?  Well what other 
reason could you have for continuously using Bunshin no Jutsu for the final 
test when there are several other techniques that could be used instead?  
Henge...Kawarimi...hell, we've even passed students for performing a simple 
Shunshin no Jutsu in the past.  And here you will stand there and say that 
you have no ulterior motives for targeting only Naruto's weakness among all 
the students?"

Naruto could feel chills' running up and down his body from the way the 
conversation was going.  Iruka may have been harder on him than most of the 
other students, but he wouldn't have blatantly tried to keep him from 
becoming a ninja.

Would he?  The look on Iruka's face showed of barely repressed guilt.  
But...no, he still couldn't believe it.  It was only yesterday that Iruka 
had taken him out for ramen.  That had probably been the nicest thing that 
anyone had ever done for him in his whole life.  Why would he do that 
unless...

Unless he already knew that Naruto was going to fail his exam and was just 
trying to cheer him up beforehand.  Naruto was thinking so much he almost 
missed the rest of the conversation that was still going on.

"The only reason I treat Naruto harder than the others is because he has the 
lowest marks in the academy," Iruka answered.  "I have to make sure that 
he's fully ready to become a ninja before I pass him or he'll just be in 
over his head."

Mizuki suddenly turned very serious.  "And you're saying that it has 
absolutely nothing to do with your parents, Iruka?"

A look of pain washed over Iruka's face, while one of bewilderment appeared 
on Naruto's.

"Parents?  What do I have to do with them?"

"Don't say a word, Mizuki!" Iruka demanded.  "You know the law!"

Law? Naruto wondered silently.  Now there was some sort of law he didn't 
know about?  Why was everything so confusing all of a sudden?  Naruto could 
feel a headache, as well as a strange pain in his abdomen, starting to 
build.

"Naruto," Mizuki said quietly after a slight pause.  "How many times have 
you had to ask yourself, 'What have I done?  What did I ever do to make an 
entire village hate me?'  I imagine it must have been many times, because we 
both know that their hatred runs much deeper than the results of a few 
harmless pranks, correct?"

"Mizuki!" Iruka shouted.

"Shut up!" Mizuki spat.  "Why should Naruto be the only one left in the 
dark?  Doesn't he deserve to know the truth?"

"But the Hokage-!"

"You want to know the truth, don't you Naruto?" Mizuki asked, ignoring 
Iruka's continued pleas.

The need to sort out all of the confusing thoughts in his head coupled with 
the natural curiosity of a young boy made Naruto immediately start nodding 
his head.  "Yes, tell me!"

Too talky for my taste.  We don't really need all that explanation for 
why Naruto would want to know.  It's self-evident.

"I won't let you!" Iruka yelled, sprinting forward and up the tree to where 
Mizuki stood.  Mizuki watched, chuckling lightly as Iruka grabbed a kunai 
and slashed at his face.  Before it could make contact, he blocked with a 
kunai of his own and sent a sharp kick into Iruka's injured knee, following 
it with a fast jab to his chin.  The scar-faced chunin let out a croak of 
pain as he lost his initial balance and tumbled unceremoniously to the 
ground.

"Iruka-sensei!" Naruto called to his fallen teacher.  He moved forward to 
see if he was okay but was cut off when Mizuki landed in front of him.  He 
took a small step back before the older man placed a firm hand on his 
shoulder.

"Naruto, twelve years ago a nine-tailed demon fox attacked the village.  The 
fox killed over one hundred villagers, two of which were Iruka's parents."

Naruto struggled to hold down the growing nervousness inside him, but was 
unable to keep himself from shivering.  "S-so...what's that have to do with 
me?  I mean, I know about the Kyubi.  He attacked the village and the 
Yondaime sacrificed himself to kill it."

"Not kill, Naruto," Mizuki corrected, letting a small grin form on his face. 
  "Seal.  The Kyubi was sealed away, within the body of a newborn child."

His shaking grew worse, his subconscious already beginning to understand 
before the rest of his mind.  "N...newborn?"

"You, Naruto."

Time seemed to stand still for Naruto upon hearing those words.  
"I...demon...?" Realizing he didn't even seem capable of rational thought 
anymore, he simply turned his gaze to the ground below him, lost in a trance 
as all of the pieces began to fit themselves together.

All the cold glares he received, all of the threats and abuse, both physical 
and emotional, and the loneliness...

Without even thinking, he slowly reached up and placed his hand against his 
stomach, right where his ugly 'birthmark' was.  As much as he wanted to deny 
it, shout at the top of his lungs that it wasn't true, call Mizuki a liar, 
deep down he knew it was true.

He was still lost in his stupor when Mizuki placed another hand on his other 
shoulder.

"I know it's hard to accept, Naruto, but now you know the truth.  You carry 
the Kyubi inside you.  That's why everyone in the village hates you so 
passionately.  That's why Iruka and the others don't want you to succeed as 
a ninja.  And that's why, no matter how hard you work and how deeply you 
dream, you will never be made the great Hokage and be acknowledged by all 
your doubters, because no matter what you do, no one is going to see Uzumaki 
Naruto.  All they're going to see is the container of the demon fox that 
ruined so many of their lives."

Each word spoken felt like a knife wound piercing all over Naruto's body, 
the last part about not becoming a Hokage he felt right in the center of his 
heart.

"And that is also why..." Mizuki continued softly.  "I now have to kill 
you."

Before the statement had even registered, Naruto felt a sharp pain in his 
side as Mizuki kicked him with full force, sending him crashing into the 
trunk of a tree where he crumpled limply to the ground.

A light chuckle escaped the throat of the white-haired traitor.  He casually 
picked up the discarded forbidden scroll with one hand, and grabbed one of 
the giant shuriken from his back with the other.

"I can't say that you haven't been very helpful, monster.  But I'm afraid 
that from this point onward you'd just be getting in my way."  He began 
twirling the shuriken over his head.  "Enjoy your eternal Hell, demon!"

He brought his arm down to let the shuriken fly, but was stopped when a 
recovered Iruka grabbed his arm, causing the shuriken to sail off harmlessly 
in the wrong direction.

"Stop this, Mizuki," Iruka begged, trying to keep all his weight on his one 
good leg.  "Why are you doing all of this?"

Mizuki glared at him in annoyance.  "For power, Iruka.  More than the Hokage 
would ever allow me to possess.  But if you wanted to die first so badly, 
all you had to do was say so!"  Pulling out another kunai, he made to slash 
at his former partner's face, but was countered by Iruka's own kunai.  
Unfortunately, Iruka once again left himself wide open for another attack on 
his damaged knee, which Mizuki capitalized upon, and Iruka fell to the 
ground again, clutching his leg in agony.

Mizuki unhooked the second shuriken from his back and stood victoriously 
over his fallen comrade.  "I've been hoping for a moment like this for a 
long time, Iruka.  Goodbye."

Y'know, a ninja who just acted without talking about it would be 
devastating in that universe.

----------

Darkness.

The sound of dripping water.

A musty feeling in the air.

He definitely wasn't in the forest anymore.

Opening his eyes, Naruto took in his strange new surroundings.  If he wasn't 
mistaken, he appeared to be in a sewer of some kind.  Did Konoha even have 
sewers?  More importantly, what had become of Iruka-sensei and 
Mizuki-sensei?  The last thing he could remember was Mizuki saying he was 
going to ki...

"Am I...dead?" he asked.  He sure hoped not, what sort of afterlife involved 
a sewer?  But on the other hand, it did seem to represent the way his life 
had turned out, he supposed.

Unsure of what to do, he simply began walking through the dingy corridors, 
hoping that maybe they'd lead to some place a little less...stinky.

He didn't have to go far before he found himself standing before a gigantic 
rusty gate, which had a small paper seal attached it.  He was about to turn 
and walk the other way when he suddenly felt an enormous amount of power 
coming from the other side of the gates.  He took a step forward and 
immediately fell backward when a large animalistic face appeared before him.

"Well, well, well," the creature growled.  "Twelve years together and you 
finally decide to visit."

Naruto stared up in awe of the thing before him.  "You...you're the...?"

"So I guess the secret's out, huh?" it replied in what must have been a 
mocking tone.  "You may refer to me as Kyubi-sama, or just Master if you 
prefer."

Naruto hung his head.  "Then it really was true."  He could feel tears 
beginning to creep into his eyes, but fought them down and glared up at the 
demon fox.  "It's all because of you that everyone in the village hates me!"

The Kyubi snorted, an action that almost blew Naruto off his feet.  "Now 
that's hardly fair, mortal.  Really, do you think I enjoy being trapped 
inside the body of a loudmouth weakling like you?  If you want to blame 

On the whole, I'd prefer "weak loudmouth", myself, not that there's 
anything really wrong with the way you wrote it.  It just sounds 
stronger to me.

someone, then blame the guy who stuck me in here."

That 'guy', Naruto knew, had been the Yondaime, the person Naruto had 
admired for the majority of his life and one of the driving forces behind 
Naruto deciding to become Hokage himself.  But all of the admiration he felt 
was now being rivaled by the seer amount of bitterness he was feeling upon 

sheer

learning the truth about himself.  Why had the Yondaime picked him?  Was it 
more convenient since he didn't have parents or something?

"And just in case you're still curious," the fox interrupted his thoughts.  
"-we are still alive.  And stop with all the self-pitying; it's pathetic, 
even for you.  Besides, it's not like living with me inside you is without 
advantages."

While the being alive part was comforting, Naruto was still growing angrier 
at the Kyubi.  "Shut up, baka fox!  What could you possibly do that could 
help me?"

The Kyubi grinned in a way that made him look even more sinister.  "Perhaps 
a demonstration is in order?"

Naruto watched on as a wave of blood red chakra began pouring through the 
gates and quickly began to surround his body.  "Hey, what are you doing?" he 
asked in alarm.

"Just think of it as a temporary loan, human.  My way of...paying the rent, 
you might say.  You'll thank me for it later."

Naruto could slowly begin to feel himself returning to consciousness, the 
only thing left of the sewer was the demonic laughter of the Kyubi that 
faded away behind him.

Ordinarily I see "Kyuubi" spelled with more than one "u".  Doesn't mean 
you're wrong of course.  Schemes of romanisation differ.

----------

"What in the...?" Mizuki muttered.

He had been about to bring his shuriken down onto the body of Iruka, when 
out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a red aura coming from the body of 
the fox brat.  Iruka, through the searing pain in his leg, noticed it as 
well.

"Naruto?" he whispered.

Naruto silently climbed back to his feet, turning a deathly and feral gaze 
to Mizuki, accentuated by his now red eyes and more defined whisker marks.  
Even his canine teeth and fingernails had grown longer and sharper.  Neither 
chunin moved as they watched the boy adopt an animal-like position on his 
hands and feet.

Mizuki finally shook off his surprise and began spinning his weapon again.  
"I don't know what you're up to brat, but you're still going to die now!"  
So saying, he sent the shuriken flying towards the boy.

What happened next was too quick for the traitor to follow.  In the blink of 
an eye, Naruto had jumped over the shuriken and sprung himself from the tree 
trunk behind him toward Mizuki.  The next thing Mizuki felt was an explosion 
of pain as Naruto raked him across the face with his claw-like fingernails.  
He barely had time to cover his face and scream in pain before Naruto 
rebounded back and drove his foot into the back of his head, sending him 
into a dark and blissfully painless slumber.

Iruka watched the entire exchange, all of which hadn't taken more than ten 
seconds, with a look of horror on his face.  He didn't know how it was 
possible, but he knew for a fact that this was not the Naruto that he knew.  
The eyes, the whiskers, the red chakra, they all told him the same thing.

The Kyubi had taken control of its host.  Iruka was now staring at the 
monster that was responsible for killing his parents.

After making certain that Mizuki was not getting back up, Naruto turned to 
check on Iruka, but froze when he saw him.  Instantly, the red aura vanished 
and his body returned to its normal state.  The look that Iruka was giving 
him was one of unmistakable anger and fear, just like he'd seen every day 
from almost everyone else he knew.  But somehow, it hurt a hell of a lot 
more seeing it come from Iruka.

Without a second thought, Naruto turned and ran into the forest.

Iruka's eyes widened in shock.  "Naruto, wait!"  He tried to run after him, 
but was stopped by the pain in his knee.  He cursed himself, knowing there 
was no way he could catch up to the boy now.

"This is all my fault," he whispered.
----------

It was well past midnight when Iruka had returned with the scroll and an 
unconscious Mizuki.  After the entire ordeal was explained to the Hokage and 
the rest of the shinobi that were present, the Sandaime had issued for 
everyone to comb the area for Naruto.  Now everyone was back in front of the 
ninja academy.

No one had seen anything of Naruto, save for a small trail that had led out 
of the village.  

Surprising that he can't be tracked.


When everyone had settled down, Sarutobi Asuma was the

first to speak.

"What do we do about this, Hokage-sama?  We have the scroll back and we now 
know that it was Mizuki who caused all of this, but in regards to the boy 
himself..."

A ninja standing directly behind Iruka grunted.  "Why don't we just leave 
him go?  It'd save the village a lot of trouble."

Without warning, Iruka turned and slugged the man in the face.  He was 
quickly restrained by two others before he did further damage.

"You don't know anything about that boy!" he shouted.  "You'd realize that 
if you ever bothered to look at HIM and not just the thing that's sealed 
inside him!"

"Please calm yourself, Iruka," the Hokage told him.  "I know how you're 
feeling but fighting amongst ourselves won't help matters any."

"If I may, Hokage-sama?"

Everyone turned to the back where a silver-haired man with three-quarters of 
his face covered up was slowly approaching.

"You're late, Kakashi," the Hokage reprimanded.

Hatake Kakashi blinked with his one exposed eye.  "Well you see, while out 
investigating, a single magpie flew by me so I had to go to a temple and 
purify myself."

Various mutterings of disbelief were heard from the crowd.

"Please get on with it, Kakashi," the Hokage urged impatiently.

"Yes, well...all we really have to worry about is finding the boy and 
explaining things to him.  Since Uzumaki Naruto failed to pass his genin 
exams today, it's not possible for us to label him as a Missing Nin, because 
obviously, he's not a ninja yet.  That means that once we find him and 
convince him to come back, there will be no need for any sort of 
punishment."

Iruka grinned widely in relief while the Hokage hid a smile of his own.  No 
one could argue with that sort of logic.

"I want you all to get some rest," he announced.  "We'll begin a broader 
search at sunrise."

As everyone began to disperse, Kakashi patted Iruka on the shoulder.  "Beat 
up Mizuki all by himself, did he?"  Seeing Iruka nod, he grinned, or at 
least it was probably a grin judging by the one eye.  "No worries, alright?"

Iruka just nodded again before gazing up at the night sky.

"I'm really sorry, Naruto."

End Prologue
----------

I hope you enjoyed it, but don't hesitate to say if you didn't.  I'd like to 
believe that it's as good as the people on ff.net say it is, but when I see 
that my current favorite story, which has twice the number of chapters, over 
ten times the amount of text and is just a real kick-ass fic, has less 
reviews than mine, 

Could be people are just having more trouble keeping up with it.


I tend to question their overall judgement. -_-

It's a good start.

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