NOTE: The following story is tag-team self-insertion fan fiction. Run!
Run away! Your immortal soul is in peril!
NOTE 2: You are reading the multi-post version. Since the sucker is so
dang HUGE, the author had to slice it up into easily digested pieces
(you're lucky they aren't numbered as separate episodes... even though
they should be!). See you in the full version!
DISCLAIMER: Dis be the claimer I be missin'...I mean dissin'...oh screw
it. If I owned Evangelion I would have done horrible things to the
characters and story that no human being should ever witness. That being
said...
WARNING: I have done all of them and described them in intricate detail
of this episode of TGE. I've also sprinkled hints of plot and character
development in as well, in order to bait the very brave or very stupid
into my insidious trap... am I reading my "Bond Villain of the Week"
script again? This sounds horrible!
DANGER: This fanfic has been cut down substantially from its initial
draft. You may thank the deity (or patriarchal/matriarchal authority
figure) of your choice that we got rid of the useless stuff, otherwise
this chapter would rival seven for outright length. Be warned though,
the big fight scenes STILL occupy pretty much all of the last 1/4th of
the story. All that being said, stuff might be missing that you'll think
you want to see. Trust me, you don't want to see it.
WARNING 2: Okay, okay, you twisted my arm. An "unedited" (in the truest
sense of the word) version of this will probably be thrown up on the
Insanity Productions web page before too long, so y'know, if you're
curious...
WARNING 3: The Danger Returns! Amazingly, G. W. Bush is still president
even though only three people voted for him, and the first two were dead
and one of those three weren't Dick "Look at how hypocritical I can be!"
Cheney. I mean, that requires some kind of warning, doesn't it?
DANGER: Part 2, the End of the Warnings! If I did my job right, this
story will confusing on the first read, but will become increasingly
comprehensible through repeated readings, which I won't charge anybody
for. How's that for putting my money where my mouth is?
THE VENGEANCE OF THE NOTE: Whaddaya mean, you still don't understand
it?!!
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[Prologue 1: There Will Be a Test]
[Tuesday a week before the actual beginning of this episode.]
[Asuka leaves female changing room after a routine synch-test. Freshly
showered, her skin fairly glows under her light sun dress. A skip
lightens her step, a skip that dies as she passes the first corner on
her long journey out of the base and runs into one of the Goons.]
Asuka: (frowning) Wo--... Genoni.
John: (smirks slightly) Sohryu. We're accelerating your training. As a
result of the most recent Angel attack, we feel that our... defenses
need to be shored up. I have an assignment for you.
Asuka: (still frowning) Translation: You're feeling like shit and want
to take it out on me.
John: Is Jared here? (speaks quickly to forestall any more
interruptions) I've already delivered the relevant materials to Misato's
place. Your training assignment is to watch the DBZ series up to the
conclusion of the Cell saga and draft me a report on Trunks and his
no-name powers. I want to see particular emphasis on the theoretical
utility of his powers and a large section on the mechanics of adapting
them to defending against every type of Angel known to come up against
NERV. And I want it by... um... (consults his Mini-MAGI; frowns) in... a
week.
Asuka: Are you serious?
John: Yes. Every legend holds a grain of truth, and every story has a
lesson to teach.
Asuka: (sighs, shoulders slump) But this is the worst training I've ever
had...
John: (tempted to tell her the Truth) It's for your own good, Sohryu...
but if you think you can't handle a little cartoon...
Asuka: (shouts) I'll do it!
[John smiles and pats her on the shoulder like an obedient puppy. She
huffs and stalks past him and down the corridor.]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Prologue 2: Twists of Fate]
[A week later, now just the day before the episode begins. What? That's
why it's called a Prologue!]
[Dusk falls gently on the outskirts of Tokyo-3, streaks of dark purple
touching the horizon behind the shattered spires of a proud city. A tiny
white marshmallow of a car is parked next to a newly minted lake. The
water's mirror-smooth surface counting the first twinkling stars. Inside
the car sits one Ryoji Kaji, sucking on a cancer stick. He takes a final
pull and snubs it out in the ashtray, then gives a long look to the
nondescript manila envelope sitting forlornly in the passenger seat.
After contemplating it for a moment, he picks it up and opens it. Within
are a number of pictures and a small DAT tape of the type that fits
Shinji's little music player. Three of the pictures are of three people
we know very well. All have been taken from a great distance though all
three of the subjects are giving the camera a "V for victory" sign. The
other pictures are of various stores, streets, and parks known to be
frequented by the subjects.]
[Familiar with the subjects in question, Kaji gives the pictures little
more than a brief glance, but flips the tape in his fingers for a
moment, as if weighing its worth. Finally he makes his decision, and
inserts the tape into the car's DAT deck. Another cigarette is lit while
the tape plays.]
Voice: (computer garbled to make it impossible to determine gender,
accent, or nationality) The three targets identified herein have been
implicated in data theft from the government of Japan. The data in
question would have been vital to on-going information gathering
activities requiring your service. The theft has changed our situation
dramatically. Investigation has revealed that the data has indeed been
brought into NERV, but with largely unpredictable results. Whatever
systems the data has affected have behaved as our simulations predict.
This trend of unpredictable actions on the part of computer systems is a
grave threat to the safety of Japan. Agent X-453, your mission, should
you choose to accept it, is to discover how NERV is using the data in
question, how it has affected their operations, if any kind of recovery
effort is possible, and to eliminate the data source. While NERV appears
to be controlling the data in some fashion, it was last possessed by the
three targets. Start with them. Remember agent, to step softly in the
dragon's lair. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
[Kaji drops the photos back into the envelope and leaves the car. The
small access road it is parked along is utterly deserted. The lake is
calm and placid. Kaji walks away from the car slowly, the cherry of his
cigarette bobbing in the stale night air. Smoke rolls from the car's
windows as the DAT tape takes it, the pictures, and anything not metal
up into the atmosphere. Then the car explodes spectacularly, hurled more
than fifty feet into the air and flipping and spinning every which way.
Kaji eats dirt, rolls into the side of some rubble, and freezes as a
piece of it snaps off next to his face, followed by the unmistakable
'ping' of a ricochet.]
Kaji: Shit.
[Ditching the cigarette, Kaji dashes into the ruins next to the lake as
total darkness takes hold.]
[Fade out.]
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[Opening song: "Everything you Know is Wrong" by "Weird Al" Yankovic.]
[Fade in Jared driving a Mini Cooper down one of Tokyo-3's
superhighways. He sings along with the song, not paying attention to the
road at all, merrily bobbing his head along to the beat of the catchy
tune.]
James: (singing) I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane with a
rabid wolverine in my underwear, when suddenly a guy behind me in the
back seat popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes!
[On cue, a dozen people sudden pop into view. Never mind there's nowhere
for them to hide or even room for them in the car, period. They're
there. John holds his hands over Jared's eyes, and everyone starts
singing along with Jared.]
All: (singing) I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie? Is it Bob
or Joe or Walter? Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?" I
probably would have kept on guessing but about that time we crashed into
the truck!
[John pulls his hands off Jared's eyes long enough for the driving goon
to do a double-take, then they slam into a big rig with a radiation
symbol on the back.]
[A cross-shaped explosion tears into the Tokyo-3 skyline. The people
from car began floating down leisurely, playing harps and wearing
plastic wings duct-taped to their clothes.]
Jared: (singing) And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt finally
I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer, who takes off his prosthetic
lips and tells me--
[The people have all landed on the freeway--well, a big crater where the
aforementioned freeway used to be. Misato, Ritsuko, and the bridge
bunnies are there. They begin snapping their fingers to the beat of the
song before Jared even lands, and everyone quickly breaks into an
elegant choreographed dance as they all sing the chorus.]
All: (singing AND dancing!) Everything you know is wrong. Black is
white, up is down and short is long. And everything you thought was just
so important doesn't matter... Everything you know is wrong. Just forget
the words and sing along. All you need to understand is everything you
know is wrong!
[We cut instantly to a singing Andy getting out of the shower.
Towel-clad, he walks directly into the kitchen (even though the floor
plan of the Goon's apartment makes this impossible...).]
Andy: (singing) I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams,
when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension and soon I was
abducted by some aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr.
[As Andy whips open the cupboards in search of breakfast goods, molemen
pop out everything. Pen^2 appears in the apartment's doorway. Soon Andy
is laying on the counter and Pen^2 and the molemen are armed with
various weapons straight out of the Doom video games. Andy merrily sings
along with the creatures.]
All: (singing) They sucked out my internal organs, and they took some
Polaroids, and said I was a darn good sport. And as a way of saying
thank you they offered to transport me back to any point in history that
I would care to go.
[Andy looks around, puts two fingers to his forehead, and suddenly he's
dressed in a cheesy Superman-ish costume with the letters SCJ across the
chest. Flying high over Tokyo-3 like the man of steel, he belts out a
few more lines.]
Andy: (singing) And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night so
I could pay my phone bill on time. Just then the floating disembodied
head of Colonel Sanders started yelling--
[Andy lands on the balcony of the Goon's apartment. Toji and Kensuke are
within, and take a break from playing video games to join in the
chorus.]
All: (singing) Everything you know is wrong. Black is white, up is down
and short is long, and everything you thought was just so important
doesn't matter... Everything you know is wrong! Just forget the words
and sing along! All you need to understand is everything you know is
wrong!
[Toji whips out a mouth harp as Kensuke appears with some pots and pans
from the kitchen. Andy is wielding an accordion. The three play through
the instrumental section of the song, then Andy dances to the John Woo
bust near the book shelf and tips it forward. With a 'whoosh' he
disappears down the revealed Goon Pole.]
[The camera pans back to the now-pristine kitchen. John is making notes
on a pile of papers a foot high.]
John: (singing) I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin when I
got a nasty paper cut--
[A negative-color version of John slices off John's head. The
Super-Kagaijin John picks up the verse perfectly.]
SKJ-John: (singing) --and, well, to make a long story short, it got
infected and I died!
[A ghostly John wearing Jedi robes rises up behind SKJ-John and
decapitates him with a red-bladed light sabre. Before SKJ-John's head is
clear of his neck, the two are both sitting at a table with a third
person dressed in white robes who bears more than a passing resemblance
to Ryouji Kaji.]
SKJ-John & John: (in perfect harmony) So now I'm up in heaven with St.
Peter by the pearly gates, and it's obvious he doesn't like the Nehru
jacket that I'm wearing. He tells me that they've got a dress code--
[John and SKJ-John look at the massive list of rules the saintly
Kaji-clone holds up and attack him with their glowing blades. A scene
flash and we see John tied up in a straight jacket, singing to himself
in a padded room.]
John: Well, he lets me into heaven anyway, but I get the room next to
the noisy ice machine for all eternity, and every day he runs by
screaming--
[Outside of the padded room stand the saintly Kaji-clone and Rei with
angel wings. They pick up the chorus when John starts banging his head
against the wall and orderlies Waddell and Mucha dash into the room to
save the patient from himself.]
[Yes, we're that fucked up.]
All: (singing) Everything you know is wrong. Black is white, up is down
and short is long, and everything you thought was just so important
doesn't matter...
[John breaks for the door, Jared and Andy and the two biblical figures
follow. Outside stands... the entire fucking cast of the friggin' story,
including bit and flashback characters. Every breaks into a massive
dancing sequence with ki blasts and fireworks and a large gymnastics
routine.]
All: (singing and dancing and what-have-you) Everything you know is
wrong! Just forget the words and sing along! All you need to understand
is everything you know is wrong! Everything you know is wrong!
[Everyone freezes at the last word, holding their finishing poses. And
holding it. And holding it. And stiiill holding it. Finally John pulls
off the straight jacket. Everyone else shrugs, drops out of their poses,
and march out of the scene like walking corpses sent back to the
grindstone of industry.]
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TITLE FLASH:
Three Goons in Eva
Episode 9
What Plot hole? /
It came with the _____
--------------------------------------------------
[An ugly Wednesday afternoon. We open on Ritsuko's office. Everything
seems back to normal. Various pictures on the walls, massive piles of
paperwork everywhere, computer and light sabre on the desk... with
Ritsuko working at one--and when a curious buzzing and snapping sound
comes through the ceiling vent--eying the other longingly.]
Andy: (voice from vent) Daughter of-- (unintelligible cursing)
[A moment of silence follows, during which the doctor breathes a sigh of
relief. Then her door is blown violently off its hinges and sent flying
straight at her desk. Without thinking, she snatches the light sabre
from it's resting place on top of a pile of PR reports, and uses it to
cut the flying object in twain. Each half of the metal door flies past
her, one piece to her right side and the other to her left. Both crash
into the piles of paperwork covering every available surface, and in a
split-second, the only thing that can be seen in the office is white
papers.]
Ritsuko: (hidden by the flying reports) GOD DAMN IT! DOESN'T ANYBODY
KNOCK AROUND HERE ANYMORE?!!
[Andy floats up to, but not through, the now gaping entrance to
Ritsuko's lair.]
Andy: (booming voice) Bitch! What is wrong with--
[Andy dodges a four-inch-thick report binder, flung at him by Ritsuko.
He's about to retort when the crushing ceiling kicks in, forcing him to
float into Ritsuko's office. There he slaps the guillotine out of the
way, blocks the spread of rockets with his arm, snatches the volley of
paper missiles out of the air, and knocks the pink bunny slippers aside
disdainfully.]
[He then pauses to stare blankly at the slippers which had attacked him
so viciously. As a result, he misses the steel kitchen sink that swings
down from the ceiling in front of him, tied to a thin rope. The sink
catches the unprepared Goon squarely on the chin. By the time he gets
back up (and finishes smashing the sink into a nearby wall with a solid
right hook), the papers in Ritsuko's office have stopped flying all over
the place, and have settled on her desk and floor like fresh snow.]
Andy: (idle commentator mode) Who made this mess?
Ritsuko: (holding her light sabre threateningly) Before I skin you alive
and baste your twitching body in salt, tell me what you came here for.
Andy: (blinks) What? (points accusingly) Where is my gravity training
chamber?!
Ritsuko: (confused) What? (angry) Get out of here!
[Andy opens his mouth, his dark eyes promising a verbal lashing with the
ferocity to match any storm, but the doctor doesn't allow him to even
form words. Not that he would have anyway. With a subtle hand motion,
she Forces her desk off the ground an inch, then sends it rocketing at
Andy. The Goon dodges, barely, while Ritsuko catches the computer that
had been sitting on the desk. Behind Andy, the desk zooms down the hall
leading to Ritsuko's office (occasionally known as the Path of Doom) at
Mach 1.6, leaving a trail of flying paper. Andy turns around to watch
the desk just as the author has Hyuga walk into view at the distant
junction. The bridge tech is absorbed in scanning a report on his palm
computer. He never even sees the desk coming at him.]
[WHAM!]
Andy: (low whistle) Ouch. Boy am I glad I'm not on your bad side.
(slight pause while Ritsuko tries to incinerate him with a glare) So,
where's that gravity training room?
Ritsuko: (takes a deep breath) I have no idea what you're talking about.
Andy: You didn't read Jared's proposal?
[Ritsuko pointedly looks at the mess of her office. Andy glares back
impatiently.]
Andy: (out loud, but in a tone that clearly indicates it should be an
internal monologue) Why is Ritsuko is looking at the floor? As if
staring at a pile of papers is going to magically cause Jared's proposal
to appear. (pause) Jeez, the blasted thing could be _buried_ under this
mess! Damn woman! Too lazy to keep order in her own office? No wonder
NERV's going down hill. Gendo probably isn't much better, bastard. What
a slob. No, that isn't right. Gendo's office was always sparkling clean
in the anime. Damn women anyway. First messes in their purses, then
their offices... (screaming at the ceiling) Where will it all end?!
[The Goon finally notices that Ritsuko is staring at him.]
Andy: What?
Ritsuko: (strained patience) Where will I find it?
Andy: How the hell should I know, wench?! You made this mess, you pick
it up!
Ritsuko: I didn't make this mess! You're the one who kicked my door in!
Andy: (looks at the door's smoking remains embedded in the wall behind
Ritsuko) You cut it in half? Why didn't you catch it?!
[Ritsuko's mouth works noiselessly for several seconds.]
Ritsuko: (furious) Why you arrogant little scumbag! Get out of here!
You'll never have a gravity room, you hear me?! (stamping her foot)
NEVER! (points at Andy) I curse you, American! I curse you to the pits
of Hell! (Scottish accent) YOU AND ALL 'ER KIND!!!
Andy: (nonplussed) Yeah, whatever.
["Thinking" quickly, he Instant Transmissions away before he's the
Weekly Special at the local sushi bar.]
----------
[Three Goons' apartment, at four in the afternoon. As the Goons are "off
work" from about noon onward, they've had some time to unwind. Jared
plays an RPG on one of the many game systems present, rocking in his
seat with each telling, turn-based blow against his digital foes. John
comes out of the laboratory's entrance, the massive bookcase swinging
shut behind him silently. Andy... bursts into the apartment arrogantly,
barely giving the door time to open before hauling his 6'-6" frame
inside with a primal roar.]
Andy: (roaring) CURSE THAT INFERNAL DOCTOR!
Jared: (eyes glued to the T.V.) What is it this time, dude?
Andy: SHE MOVED HER MOUTH AND MADE NOISES!
[John ignores the opportunity to snipe Andy with a verbal blow to send
his noisy roommate's brain reeling.]
[Jared doesn't.]
Jared: < ^_^ > Do you mean she gave you a blowjob, or did she try to
talk to you?
[John quietly stalks to the kitchen for a glass of water.]
Andy: IT WAS THAT... THAT... (clearly frightened of the word) _talking_
thing! What's the matter with her?! (Jared's actual words finally
register) EEW! What's the matter with you?!!
Jared: (concentrating intently on his game) Could you keep it down?
John: (sitting on the couch with a full glass) A master should not even
acknowledge distractions. Distraction leads to--
Andy: (attacking) Die, Waddell!
[The couch is flipped onto its back, then righted again. A wet John
Genoni scowls slightly. The couch is flipped back and upright again,
then a third time before John has a chance to give the other Goons a
verbal warning. A curse rising to the back of his throat, he jumps away
from the couch, and turns to see Andy and Jared bouncing off the walls
while engaging in mortal combat throughout the living room. The glass in
his hand develops the smallest of cracks.]
John: (calmly) Guys? (polite pause) GUYS!
Jared: (throwing Andy into a wall) HA!
Andy: (throwing Jared through the balcony door) HA-HA!
Jared: (dashing in and knocking out Andy with a Mighty Blow from a
frozen trout) FISH!
John: Damn it, we had important things to talk about. (sighs) Oh well.
[John quickly plops himself down on the couch, and picks up Jared's
controller.]
Jared: (pleading on his hands and knees) Dude...
John: Five second rule.
Jared: Mother fucker!
John: You're still here? You have shopping duty today, remember?
Jared: (leaves) Right.
[After a few minutes of quiet, Andy regains "consciousness."]
Andy: I LIVE! (punching at the air) DIE, you horrible maggot spawn!
John: < o_o; > That's new.
Andy: (looks around) Where's that Spawn of Perversion?
John: (off-hand) I'm writing that one down. (to Andy) Doing his shopping
duty like a good little boy. What's your beef?
Andy: (posing) You couldn't understand a Saiyajin's pride!
John: You aren't a Saiyajin, Andy.
Andy: He insults me. Our grand duel--
John: This is about who's the strongest again? Dude, you two have been
after each other for years, waiting a few more minutes won't kill you.
Andy: But I must defeat him!
John: (lights on) I see... you and Jared planed to have Ritsuko build
that gravity room, and you were going to sneak in and train so you could
beat Jared in straight combat. (blinks) That's too clever for you to
come up with by yourself.
Andy: (now ignoring John) --like I said, but she wouldn't build the damn
thing! When will my time come?!
John: Dude, you two should just duke it out. Like, tomorrow would work
good. But don't try this shit during an Angel attack or something. I'm
not going to be nice if you two run off and have a Big Dramatic Battle,
leaving me to fight for my Life and Freedom. Besides, you two need to
plan for the Angel!
Andy: (leaving via the balcony) Angel? Hah! I have half a mind to throw
that pervert _into_ the twelfth!
John: < o_0 > But we're supposed to kill it, not give it indigestion...
----------
[Next door, Asuka and Shinji are doing homework in shorts and T-shirts.
Asuka lounges on the floor, flipping through a math book with a glazed
look which clearly indicates that she doesn't care what is printed on
the pages. Shinji is diligently doing his Japanese literature homework,
but has one eye practically pinned on Asuka's delicious rear end, which
twitches enticingly as she idly kicks her feet through the air.]
Asuka: (sighs) When did Misato say she'd be home?
Shinji: Eleven, I think.
[Asuka sighs again, leaving the impression that she's more distracted
than bored. Indeed, when she speaks, it is with the air of someone who
has been waiting for a long time to say something important.]
Asuka: Do you ever wonder what we're protecting?
Shinji: (without looking up) Our exam scores.
[If it weren't for a couple of rude, big-assed stones dropped into a
small, much-abused river, Asuka would take this statement at face value
and start yelling. However...]
{Where have they learned of Terminal Dogma?}
Asuka: (rolling her eyes) Ha ha. I meant in Terminal Dogma, smarty
pants.
Shinji: (puts down his homework) What do you mean? I thought Terminal
Dogma _was_ what we were guarding.
Asuka: (affectionately) Dummkopf. Terminal Dogma is a _set_ of _doors_.
There's something inside that we aren't supposed to see.
Shinji: So... what are we guarding?
Asuka: That's what I'm asking. Misato just keeps saying it's something
like an Angel--that they'll merge with it and that's Third Impact.
Shinji: So all we have to do is keep the Angels from touching... what's
in there?
Asuka: (deep in thought) ...
Shinji: Hey, where'd Pen Pen go?
Asuka: I just saw him in the bathroom, why?
Shinji: I hope he's done with his dinner. That fish is ripe!
Asuka: (queenly) Then away with it!
Shinji: Hai, hai...
[The boy does so. While he toils in the kitchen, Asuka rolls onto her
side and starts doing leg lifts. Shinji comes back smelling strongly of
fish, and before he sits in front of his homework, his eyes ravish the
girl's body (now even more lithe and toned thanks to the training
wrought upon her by the Americans), cherishing it's every detail,
burning them into memory. Asuka checks his eyes and hides a secret
smile. As the boy sits, she resumes their conversation.]
Asuka: Do you think this will end?
[Shinji closes his school computer and rubs his eyes in surrender.]
Shinji: I don't know. The Americans talk about the Angels like they know
when this will end... and how it will end... and how they want it to
end.
Asuka: (thoughtful) Rei acts like the Angels and their attacks are just
a part of some bigger plot.
[Shinji glances at Asuka's rear end again.]
Shinji: (idly) Everything?
Asuka: (attempting to shrug helplessly) There's more to a war than
battles, Shinji. I've studied military history and technology in
Germany. (in response to Shinji's raised eyebrow) Applied history.
University, remember? Anyway, it's a little strange that in less than
four years, an entirely new kind of weapon was developed to fight a
totally alien life form. The Evangelions shouldn't even be possible to
_build_ with our current technology. They're an anomaly in the
development of military technology. Yet here we are, fighting with them
anyway.
Shinji: I don't understand...
Asuka: (flips onto the other side and begins a low-key Lecture Mode) It
takes years to design, test, and produce something as simple as a gun.
That's a tested and proven design, not a whole new weapon. And that's
just for private industry! We're talking about a government project
here, after Second Impact...
Shinji: Wait, I thought different countries built a lot of planes in
World War II. That lasted only a few years.
Asuka: But the Americans said the first Evas were built ten years ago.
Shinji: Then doesn't it make sense that we're just starting to use them
now?
[Asuka opens her mouth to respond, when she remembers John's words.]
John: (remembered voice) They were there first.
Asuka: ... It keeps bugging me.
Shinji: What?
Asuka: There's a reason the Evas are built the way they are.
Shinji: Which is...
Asuka: I don't know. (thinks) I wonder if he knows... the other test
pilot for Unit-01 was...
Shinji: You're worried because there's too much you don't know?
Asuka: You're damn right I'm worried.
Shinji: (with wisdom beyond his years) What it comes down to is the
Americans either know how to save us and won't tell us what to do, or
they think we--including them--are all doomed. They _are_ preparing to
fight a war. Do you think a tank could even slow Andy down?
[Asuka finally ceases her exercises, stands, and stretches. While she
hauls her hands high in the air and arches her back, Shinji gets a prime
viewing of her secondary sexual characteristics, "hidden" as they are by
her thin T-shirt, and finds himself approving.]
Asuka: (sighing) But who knows if they have the answers.
Shinji: Yeah, who knows?
[Asuka muses this over for a minute, then power poses.]
Asuka: Okay, let's get through this homework!
----------
[About an hour later, back in the dreaded Apartment 723...]
Andy: (coming through the closed, armored windows) Fucking hamsters!
Fucking hamsters!
[Andy continues grumbling all the way to the kitchen, where he passes a
familiar sea bird.]
Andy: (to the bird) What?
Pen Pen: Wark!
Andy: Preparing to best Waddell, of course! ... Not that I _need_
preparation, being the greatest fighter on the planet-- (notices the
look Pen Pen is giving him) What?
Pen Pen: WAAAARRRKKKK!!!
[Pen Pen all but levitates some six feet off the ground and lands a kick
to Andy's face. The Goon is thrown back from the force of the blow, and
lands on the stove.]
Andy: DAMN YOU, FOUL... water fowl. How dare you! Have at thee!
[Andy draws himself up to attack what should be an easy-to-dispatch
target. He launches himself at the sea bird, but just before he reaches
his target, Pen Pen's eyes flash.]
Author-Jared: This beat-down is so horrific, I'm not even going to
describe it in detail. Thank you for your time.
[Five UGLY seconds later, Pen Pen stands untouched in the middle of the
kitchen.]
Pen^2: WAAAARRRRRKKKKKKKK!!!
[Andy lies on the floor, a twisted knot of black and blue flesh, beaten
unconscious worse than Jared has yet managed.]
Andy: ...
Narrator: FLAWLESS. VICTORY.
[Fade to black. Send in the lawyers.]
----------
[Much later, in the dark hours of the night, Andy lays awake in bed,
serenaded by the brain-pulverizing racket of fifty million mating
cicadas.]
Andy: Fucking bugs... Fucking penguin... I must DESTROY them ALL to
ensure... MY ASCENSION TO THE THRONE OF ALL CREATION!!!
BUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[The sound of horny male cicadas pleading their case to stingy female
cicadas continues unabated.]
Andy: (to the bugs) SHUT! UP!
----------
[Thursday morning, the Goons arrive at their office minus one. Slowly,
work begins. Almost immediately, Misato comes through door in working
clothes (cold shower alert!). Andy floats a few inches above his desk in
a half- lotus position while John browses some paperwork from his
chair.]
Misato: (thinking) I honestly expected to find only John here. < ^_^ >
Lucky!
John: < -_- > Can I help you?
Andy: (without looking at the Major) Can _we_ help you?
Misato: I wanted to tell all three of you this at once. There's been a
change to the pilot's manual. Ritsuko's decided to add another rule.
[Andy groans loudly. John feigns interest, setting aside his writing
implement.]
John: (prompting) Well?
Misato: The fine print is in your Mini-MAGI, but basically, no flying
unless there's an emergency.
John: (puzzled) ... That's it? Don't fly unless there's an emergency?
Andy: (bellowing) HAH! They'll have to catch us to punish us!
John: (rubbing his forehead and sighing) And he promised he'd behave.
Andy: (standing on his desk) I fear no airspace restrictions!
John: Sit down. Sit in the air, on your desk, I don't care, but please
sit down. (pause) And that's my line!
Andy: But she started it!
John: Andy, you hardly fly anywhere. (glances at his Mini-MAGI) Hovering
appears to be okay, but no flying. So what's your problem?
Misato: (interrupting) Could you just let Jared know? I really don't--
Andy: (aura exploding) I hunger for BATTLE!
[John snarls at Andy and tries in vain to hold down the paperwork on his
desk.]
John: (overly-polite to Misato) Please don't say that name.
Misato: (smirking at John but speaking to Andy) What name? (ignoring
John's glare) Jared?
Andy: He MUST FALL! AND LO, I BEAT THE DRUMS OF WAR!!!
[Another aura pulse. The paperwork, and this time writing equipment,
paperweights, etc. all go flying. John makes as if to get up while
Misato pulls down one eyelid and sticks her tongue out at John before
darting out of the door.]
[After knocking out Andy with his shoe, John Instant Transmissions to
the end of the hallway, materializing just a few feet in front of
Misato. The Major lets out a shriek and pulls to a halt with her hand
resting on her delicious bosom.]
Misato: You--you scared me!
John: (calm) That wasn't very nice.
Misato: I was just delivering a message. (worried look) You aren't
angry, are you?
John: (deflates a bit) Look, Andy just realized that there's nothing he
can do about the 12th Angel, so he's decided to "finish off" Jared.
Misato: You guys are always--
John: Misato, I don't want to be the one left explaining why 80% of
Tokyo-3 has been leveled. Jared and Andy have had their little spats
frequently enough, that's true, but this is about who's top dog. Who's
the best. I won't fight either of them all-out and so naturally they
consider themselves number one. You can't have two ones, (poses;
lightning flashes in the hallway) there can be only one! Or so Andy
says. Anyway, that means that sooner or later, the two of them are going
to go all-out and the resulting mess is not going to be pretty. Jared's
in Sub-Garage 22. He's working on something... there. You go talk to
him, I'll take care of Andy.
Misato: < o_o; > Ah. Well, good-bye then.
John: Good-bye, Major.
[John turns away and begins mumbling something about the cost of
shovels, how clean the trunk of his rental has to be to get back his
deposit, and 'a deserted road in the middle of the night.']
----------
[Sub-Garage 22. We pan to Jared, with a plain concrete wall in the
background, polishing something. Misato comes in behind him and
immediately begins to drool.]
Jared: (faces the major) Yes?
[But Misato is unable to form words just yet. We pan around to see
Jared's Chevelle, or rather, something that looks like it, only a lot
prettier. The paint job is the same fire engine red as before, but it
seems to sparkle, shimmer, and shine as if the car is made of satin
rather than metal. The chrome rims gleam almost menacingly, and a model
of Unit-03 made from AV7 is the new hood ornament.]
Jared: You like?
Misato: (wiping away the drool but still staring at the car) Wow.
Jared: That's what I thought.
Misato: What did you do to this beautiful car?
Jared: (Action Movie Hero Voice) What I had to.
Misato: I thought it was--
Jared: Wrecked. Totaled. Destroyed beyond hope of repair. Yes. This is a
reproduction. Flawless in every detail... except for a few minor
modernizations.
Misato: Like making it look ten times better?
Jared: Well, that's the AV7... just in case. And of course I upped the
horsepower a little bit.
Misato: (eyes the work of art lovingly) ... Before I burst your bubble,
can you tell me how much?
Jared: (shrugs and goes back to polishing his hood ornament) Its power
output is a little more than doubled.
[Misato stares at the car for a minute.]
Misato: (thinking) I wanna drive it! Business first, Misato! Business
first! (out loud) Ritsuko has restricted flying to emergency situations.
Jared: Okay.
Misato: Okay?
Jared: Yeah. There's no real need to fly anywhere with these wheels.
Plus, we have the Instant Transmission.
Misato: (distracted) Yeah, that thing... (looks imploringly at Jared)
Can I ride in it? Drive it? Please?
Jared: (sighs) Well, I have to break it in sooner or later. I'll pick
you up at eight. It's a date!
Misato: It's not a--
[But she's talking to the car, as Jared has IT'd to places unknown.]
Misato: (snaps her fingers) Damn. I was going to bug him about Andy.
----------
[Back in the Goon's office, John has kicked out Andy's corpse and just
finished straightening out the things on desk when Jared appears out of
thin air to the sound of splintering wood.]
Jared: Ouch!
John: (forced calm) Get. Off. My. Desk.
Jared: (trying to inspect his derriere where he sat on a cup of
sharpened pencils) Sorry, I was aiming for my chair.
[Jared jumps into his own chair, narrowly avoiding a messy collision
with the room's ceiling... fan? When did we get a ceiling fan? Anyway,
the momentum of his landing causes the chair to spin around a few
times.]
Jared: (spinning) Wheeeeee! Hey John, my car's finished!
John: < o_0 > Finished? I thought its remains were at the bottom of
Tokyo Bay.
Jared: < ^_^ > Well, I had to build a replacement. It's pretty sweet.
John: That's what you've been doing when you were supposed to be
working... Does it run?
Jared: Don't be silly. < *_* > Man, this is gonna be sooo sweet!
John: < o_o; > Riiight.
[Jared's chair finally stops spinning. He leans _waaay_ back it in,
fingers laced together behind his head.
Jared: Gonna give her the inaugural test drive soon. I doubled the
horsepower, so I'm expecting the first test drive to be... fun. I figure
it's worth around 300 miles per hour now.
[The chair creaks ominously.]
John: (rubbing his forehead in vain hope of easing the coming headache)
Can't wait. So, how much did this indulgence cost NERV?
Jared: NERV? Nothing at all. I had a... private stash set up for this.
You know, insurance after that freeway incident. I should book a
restaurant. Order some fine champagne. Celebrate!
John: (before Jared breaks into song) Assuming it lasts to the parking
lot--
Jared: Look, I've a plan--
[The chair creaks some more.]
John: (Indiana Jones mode) That's what scares me.
Jared: (glare from his reclined position) All will be well.
[At these words, John considers the likely result. A shot of Tokyo-3 in
flames is shown to illustrate his mental image. John puts his head in
his hands.]
John: I'll alert the authorities.
[With an indignant snapping sound, the chair gives way, dumping Jared on
the floor. John reaches for more paperwork.]
Jared: (still on the floor) The Unfamiliar Ceiling is Shinji's bit.
(thoughtful) Hrm... we've got Suzuhara as a pilot, and the second branch
is still intact... I'm going to have the most fun I can have with my
clothes on... Hey John, let's hire Hikari as a pilot.
John: (manically cheery) Great. Grand. Wonderful. After that, let's go
pound some nails through our dicks!
Jared: Oh c'mon! It won't be that bad!
John: Another total newb we'll have to train from scratch? No thank you.
Motion denied.
Jared: But--
John: Suzuhara is still well below par, and the audience will get bored
if we do the stupid Pilot Training bit for a third time! Motion denied.
Jared: What--what--wha... (indignant) Who died and made you king?
John: (idly shuffling paperwork) Ikari. Although, he's technically on
vacation.
Jared: But not dead?
John: No, sadly. I'm not really in charge either, I'm just offering you
a choice.
Jared: Compliance or death, eh?
John: (darkly) If it comes to that.
Jared: Very well.
[Jared springs from the floor, executes a triple forward somersault,
rebounds off the floor, then moves into a 360 transition layout before
landing on his feet. All seems well for a split-second, but then his
extra momentum kicks in and he stumbles face-first into the couch.]
Jared: (muffled by couch cushions) Almost there... hey, fifty yen!
[He heads for the door, pocketing the pilfered coin, and is through it
before John can say another word. The Besieged One turns back to his
paperwork as we hear Jared tripping over Andy, who wakes up and screams
something about a "great injustice" and someone's "huevos." His speech
is interrupted by the sounds of fists hitting flesh, followed by the
unmistakable sound of something large and heavy slamming into the door.]
[John sighs.]
----------
[A short while later, in the comparatively boring command center, a.k.a.
Central Dogma.]
Shiegeru: Um... Major?
Misato: (halfway through the repair summary for Unit-03... volume 8 of
26) Yes?
Shiegeru: I'm getting some weird readings here. Energy surges. Some
damage alerts from various sensors in the facility...
Misato: Which means either Tanaka from section 03 is golfing in the
corridors or the Americans are playing their "games" again. (looks at
the many piles that make up the repair summary) I'll go check it out.
Ritsuko: (via Mini-MAGI) Major, could you please round up Pilots Genoni,
Mucha, and Waddell. I need to have a word with them and none of them are
responding to my summons.
Misato: (into her Mini-MAGI) You mean they're ignoring the electric-
shock treatment?
[One can _hear_ Ritsuko frown over the Mini-MAGI's voice-only
communications link.]
Misato: And since when did I become their keeper?
Ritsuko: (through Mini-MAGI) Since I got tired of dealing with them.
Misato: (clicks off the Mini-MAGI; to Shiegeru) Well, where are those
sensors being destroyed?
----------
[A few levels up...]
[By the time Misato reaches the source of the disturbance, John is
already there, watching the goings-on. Ritsuko, for reasons unknown, has
opted to join him, though she stands some distance away and ignores him
for all she's worth. She gives a nod at Misato's arrival, though. Asuka
and Rei watch from well behind John. In front of them, a battle rages
between the two remaining Goons. They pass the far corner of the
corridor as Misato walks up behind the girls. Around the corner, the
sounds of combat continue. The thudding of fist on flesh, the sharp
clank of edged weaponry, the scuffing and squeaking of shoes against the
walls, floors, ceilings and everywhere else, along with the usual score
of curses and grunts, all echoes to the group.]
John: (to Ritsuko) Don't worry, they'll be okay if we don't interfere.
Ritsuko: < o_0 > I understand that, but will NERV be okay?
John: (giving his best "it's not my problem" shrug) Asuka?
[Asuka, the newest and most devoted DBZ fanatic on base, almost GLOWS
with the opportunity to demonstrate her superior knowledge of the
series.]
Asuka: Rule 12, John. Andy has a habit of recklessly destroying things,
attacking innocent people, and generally making a nuisance of himself.
Plus he's loud. Jared is not only a monster pervert, but also a highly
skill martial artist, the not-at-all-innocent fighter, the defender of
the unwary populace. (snorts) Yet both have the capacity to be
protagonists, and have survived combat together. Now they must have a
series of long drawn-out battles were Jared will eventually be forced to
pound Andy to within an inch of his life. Then they can be allies
against a great evil.
[Sounds of more mortal combat come from around that dreaded corner as
the two elder officers stare in shock.]
Ritsuko & Misato: (echoing each other) Rule 12 of what?
John & Asuka: (echoing each other) Dragon Ball Z, what else?
John: (stage whisper) But Andy could also be wanting to train himself up
a few levels since he doesn't have a gravity room on hand.
[Stares all around. As if on cue, the warring parties can be heard
loudly from the next corridor over, maybe thirty feet away in a straight
line.]
Andy: (heard loudly despite the walls) THIS INSTALLATION IS HISTORY!
GALLAT GUN FIRE!!!
Jared: (equally loud, but more desperate) KAMEHAMEHA!!!
[A massive explosion shakes the facility slightly. Nearby walls rattle
in fear.]
John: (smiling slightly) This brings back memories.
[Misato and Ritsuko face fault as Asuka raises her eyebrows. Rei looks
at John as if waiting for a grandpa to tell a story of the 'before
times,' though Rei cares not for before times and probably has no idea
what a grandpa is.]
Ritsuko: (turns to leave, but speaks to John before ducking out of the
door) That's coming out of your paycheck!
----------
[Cut to Jared and Andy. They're beaten, but not as much as their
surroundings. Both are breathing like they sprinted from the apartment
to NERV. Their clothes are torn, hair in disarray, and more than a small
amount of blood and some bodily injuries mark them. They glare at one
another, faces grim and eyes wary.]
Andy: (panting) You'll... be sorry.
Jared: (out of breath as well) I don't think so.
[They attack at the same time, a blur of limbs and hardened muscles.
Fists clash like bricks in a tornado, seeking flesh to harm, as they
both duck and weave with impossible speed to evade lethal injury. After
five short seconds of engagement, Jared flips backward out of range of a
powerful kick, then pushes off the floor with his hands to give himself
some breathing room.]
Andy: Get back here!
[Andy touches the floor with one foot and makes a practically horizontal
jump at Jared while his target lands lightly on his feet. Andy puts both
fists out like Superman and looks like he'll make a sandwich with Jared
between ten knuckles and the wall. Jared just smirks, and Andy's eyes
widen.]
Jared: DRAGON DEMON-GOD UPPERCUT!!!
[Ki sheaths Jared's body as the goon launches himself in a corkscrew
motion, beginning with his hips, which causes his body to turn like a
hurricane, quickly gathering immense force. Andy tries something to
dodge, counter, ANYTHING, when he's clocked on the jaw full-force, Jared
putting every ounce of his strength plus his own body weight behind the
blow. The force of the attack comes out at such an angle that Andy is
flipped one hundred and eighty degrees before the ki gathered in the
initial attack detonates like nitroglycerin in a car wreck.]
[John comes running around the corner a second later, shouting
obscenities. The sounds of other approaching footsteps can be heard
right behind him, with Asuka and Rei literally on his heels. The trio
pauses at the shattered remains of the doorway, Rei's head peaking out
from under John's arm. They takes in the sight slowly.]
[Ceiling panel lights smashed into silicon dust, armored metal decking
peeled up like warped plywood. Even bits of unidentifiable matter still
smolder in the corners. The remains of a vending machine can be seen at
the far end of the hall, its guts spilled onto the floor for display in
monochromatic vision--stripped of color by the heat of a recent ki
blast.]
[A moment passes. Except for the sounds of heavy breathing, no one makes
a noise.]
John: What do you two think you were doing?!
Jared: (peeling himself off of the smoking floor) Working out... some
minor... (gasp) differences.
John: No, I mean, these techniques need to be taken outside, man!
(blinks) Where's Andy?
[Jared just points up as he limps out of the shot, holding one arm to
his side and dripping sweat and blood over the broken and scorched
floor.]
[Pan up to see what John is rubber-necking at... Andy, embedded in the
ceiling from the force of Jared's strike. He hangs up-side down,
unconscious, but not dead, not by a long shot...]
[As he's still smirking.]
[John stands there for a minute, also smirking. Then he rushes out of
frame and brains Jared with a crowbar. No sooner does he hide his weapon
of choice than Misato makes the doorway and stalks up to him.]
Misato: Don't try to loose me like that again.
John: Asuka and Rei could keep up.
[Misato growls.]
John: (to himself) No structural damage. I guess NERV will see another
day. (looks at Misato) Yes?
Misato: How long are they going to keep this up?
John: Until the end of time.
Misato: (looks around at the wreckage) I'm not going to say I'm worried
about them, but--
John: (looking thoughtfully at Andy) If either of them begins to use the
words 'dude,' 'cajones,' or 'no sweat,' then don't panic. They're just
engaging some American Freestyle Chest-Thumping. However, if you hear
Andy mention anything about 'ruler of the Universe' or if Jared starts
talking about anything involving the words 'great evil,' then start
worrying.
Misato: In that case, you're supposed to get between them, right?
John: No, in that case, launch a few Evas and have them cover the city
from stray ki-blasts.
Misato: What if they try flying?
John: It's banned... oh. (as if he's explaining this to kindergarteners
for the 50th time) Most of Andy's flying is for show. Sure, it has its
uses, and it's perfectly intimidating, but it isn't really his element.
He knows that Jared has him beat in the air. Jared, for his part, can't
match Andy's raw ki, so he's not going to waste energy on flashy--why am
I even discussing this with you?
Misato: (looks up from the detailed notes she's been taking) What? So,
who do you think would win and why?
John: Who wants to know?
Misato: (suddenly flanked by another half-dozen NERV officers, plus
various martial artists in their respective uniforms; everyone has a
recording device of some kind out and all are looking at John as if he's
the real life Santa Claus) Just little ol' me. (sick, fake grin usually
seen on John)
John: < -_-; > Oh well, if you eliminate him, you'll save me some
trouble... Okay, Jared has trained to the instructor level in 122
martial arts styles, and is a master of four entirely different style
that he's created. The man's also a true beast--a berserker who decides
on a goal and puts everything into success at any cost. I've never
actually seen him lose his temper. Andy said he was around when that
happened once. We were in high school. Andy, who was something like two
and half times Jared's size, wasn't able to slow him down, let alone
restrain him. Now, things are different, but the same. Despite the way
he absorbs minor damage, Jared is much more than he seems. I once
thought it unlikely that he'd pose a serious threat to a true master,
but now I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one who could hold my
own against him.
Misato: (scribbling furiously) So you're saying Andy stands about as
much chance as--
John: I have said nothing about Andy... yet. Andy is trained in what I
privately call the 'wild styles.' The problem between the two of them is
that Jared knows about a hundred times as many dirty tricks as Andy. If
he uses even a few of them, it's curtains for the big guy. However-- I
don't know why I'm compelled to make note of this--if Jared, for some
Bizarre Reason (pauses while thunder rumbles in the distance) fought
without using a single dirty trick, it would be a very close fight.
Jared would be using 100 percent skill, and Andy would be using all of
his strength, plus all of his tricks and training to beat Jared. Andy's
still about three times as strong as Jared... it's almost in his
favor... I don't know. It's a toss-up at this point. They have reserves
they've been keeping very well hidden, and that 'training' of theirs....
Misato: (nose still buried in her note pad) You don't sound very worried
about their skill levels.
John: (nasty smirk; the light around his eyes seems to invert for a
split-second) I have a few tricks of my own. (levitates a foot off the
ground) Now get out of here! I have a doctor to interrogate and a little
sister to visit.
[The martial artist horde practically vanishes as John arrogantly floats
down the ruined corridor towards a distant door.]
John: (over his shoulder to Asuka) Girl! Could you have an underling
scoop up Andy's remains and deposit them in the hospital wing?
Asuka: (to Rei) You heard him, Wondergirl, call the infirmary.
Rei: i am not your slave, sohryu.
Asuka: Riiight. I'll call the infirmary.
----------
[Much later, in the hospital wing, we see John and Ritsuko watching
several orderlies strap a knocked-out Andy onto a hospital bed. Then
they leave the room with the orderlies and hold a little 'conference' in
the hallway. Jared is presumably harassing some nurses in another room.]
John: So, is that no-fly rule negotiable?
Ritsuko: (pointed look at Andy's door) After this? Absolutely not.
John: (snaps his fingers) Aww, shucks.
Ritsuko: (Nag Mode ON) You three aren't getting anything else from us.
NERV is nearly broke. The government is putting legitimate spending
requests on hold because of the frivolous ones I helped you rotten
assholes put through! Sports cars. Chrome plating an Eva. A three
hundred and fifty horsepower blender. Who needs this stuff?
John: Er... well, those things have saved lives... except the chrome
plating. That was just cool.
Ritsuko: (pointing) Don't start making excuses, Genoni--AAHHH!
Jared: (flipping up Ritsuko's skirt to take a peek at her panties) Lace?
Seducing someone tonight, Rit-chan?
[While Ritsuko beats Jared into unconsciousness more thoroughly than
Andy has ever managed, the big Goon wakes up and takes stock of the
situation. In a split-second, his binding are a distant memory. He
passes through the door like it's toilet paper and upon seeing the
violence, leaps into action.]
Andy: (pushing Ritsuko aside) Hey! He's mine!
[John leaps into the fray, lead pipe coming over his head like a sword
and down on Andy's head like a hammer, knocking out the maniac. Jared
looks at the pipe, at Andy, and politely faints. Then John straps both
Goons securely into new beds in different rooms. After finishing, he
returns to the hallway and Ritsuko, clapping imaginary dust from his
hands.]
John: Anything else?
Ritsuko: (coldly) No.
John: (evil smirk) What color are they?
Ritsuko: (glaring with fury yet blushing furiously) I hate you and hope
you die.
----------
[Later that afternoon at an up-scale sushi bar. It's... well, it's an
up-scale sushi bar. I have no idea what it looks like. Use your own damn
imagination!!!]
[Ahem. Sorry about that. This is the kind of place that wouldn't admit a
certain Goon who stands at the door arguing with the proprietor.]
Jared: (dressed in a suit that would look bad even in the '70s) What do
you mean I can't come in? I'm dressed, aren't I?
Proprietor: Sir, listen. It is very difficult to gain admission to Crazy
Kanzaki's Sushi Palace. Perhaps it is best you not try today. Maybe you
can come back in a few years, when you are ready to accept the
challenge--
Jared: (eyes blazing with unholy fire) CHALLENGE?! What challenge?
Proprietor: (sighs resignedly) Foreigner, you must defeat Jubei here in
Mortal Kombat to gain entrance to Crazy Kanzaki's Sushi Palace.
[A mountain of a man, a walking pillar of indomitable strength who uses
crowbars for toothpicks, stalks into the room, reeking of intended
violence.]
Jared: (takes off his coat and begins stretching) Fine. Fine. Alright,
I'll do it. Just give me a few seconds...
[An arcade machine is wheeled out. The giant warrior takes his place at
the controls of...]
Jared: (shouting in outrage) Mortal Kombat?!! What's the meaning of
this?
Proprietor: Most honorable sir, this may be the only way that I, Ataru
Kanzaki, can allow you to pass.
Jared: (thinking) Now I know why the place is called Crazy Kanzaki's...
(looks at the arcade machine) Man, I hate this version. I wish they had
the sequel. (sets himself) For Misato!
[A heated battle of bashing joysticks and slapping buttons ensues.
Punches are dodged, secret techniques unleashed, and horrifying combos
hurled into the mix. When dust settles, it is Kitana who stands
victorious over Shang Tsung. Jared lets out a victory whoop as his
larger opponent bursts into tears.]
Kanzaki: (sighs) You are victorious, sir.
Jared: (putting on his jacket) Thank you. Now, I just want to select a
few dishes. I've got a lady to take out tonight...
Kanzaki: Of course, sir. (snaps up a menu) Walk this way.
[Kanzaki struts out of frame. Jared shrugs and matches the Kanzaki's
gait until they arrive at a small table fit for two. Jared sits and
makes a few reasonable selections. While waiting for his food, his eyes
appraise the restaurant.]
[Presently, the food arrives. After some sampling, Jared comes to the
conclusion that this isn't going to be on his to-do list for the "date"
with Misato.]
Jared: This is not going to be on my to-do list for the "date" with
Misato!
[Thank you.]
Jared: Don't mention it.
[He decides he is ready to leave, then sees Kaji enter the restaurant
and start talking rapidly with Kanzaki. It is immediately obvious that
Kanzaki and Kaji go way back. Jared stands and works his way over to the
pair.]
Jared: Kaji, fancy meeting you here!
Kaji: (distracted) Yeah, hey, great. (leans in close; whispers) You
should probably get out of here.
Jared: (catching on) What's the problem?
Kaji: There's some people after me. You...
Jared: Would I be willing to help? Certainly!
Kaji: I didn't really say--
Jared: (waves him off) You didn't, but like that matters. Who do I need
to kill? Yakuza?
Kaji: (glance at the door) It's a little more complicated than that.
Jared: So, what's the deal?
Kaji: I need to lay low for a while.
Jared: How about Misato's place?
Kaji: There's children there.
Jared: Her bedroom door locks... Oh.
[Kaji shakes his head.]
Jared: Well, it is the most secure place in the city, assuming NERV
isn't safe.
Kaji: (another glance at the door) You know, you might be right.
Kanzaki?
Kanzaki: (covertly checking a security monitor; rings for Jubei) They're
at the outer doors.
Jared: (going back to his table) Misato's?
Kaji: (following) Sure. How are we to get there?
[With a theatrical flourish that draws stares (and several tossed
coins), Jared pulls out a massive burlap sack.]
Jared: < ^_^ > ...
Kaji: < -_- > You have got to be kidding.
Jared: < ^_^ > Nope.
Kaji: < -_- > ... (sighs)
Jared: It's bigger than it looks. Just climb in. I'll have John leave
you in front of her place tonight.
Kaji: ...
Jared: C'mon, who's going to look for you in a burlap sack?
Kaji: (clutching his head in pain) Ow! I'll do it! Just... stop making
sense!
[Kaji climbs into the bag.]
[Trained killers burst into the room just as Jared sit down next to a
lumpy burlap sack. Kanzaki is pushed aside, but Jubei, obviously a
trained bouncer, slows down the assault. Jared calmly resumes eating his
food, even as the other patrons empty out of the restaurant. By the time
Jubei falls, even the chefs are history, and Kanzaki is on the phone to
his insurance adjuster.]
[The group of muscular men in dark shades adjust their ill-fitting suits
as they encircle Jared.]
Jared: I'm not really ready for a second course.
Man #1: Please open that bag, sir.
Jared: You know, just once, I'd like for someone who's done their
homework to come after me.
Man #1: (to Man #2) Hold him.
[Man #2 pulls out a taser and approaches Jared rapidly. The Goon sends
the pointy end of a chopstick into the man's eye. Guns are out before
Man #2 hits the floor, and Jared grabs his sack. Bullets fly as he
dances around and over tables. Before the thugs empty a clip at him,
he's out the shattered bay windows.]
[The group dashes outside to find their car gone and tire tracks leading
to an American-made vehicle disappearing around a distant corner. The
killers do a double-take at their empty parking spot, then look around
and curse a lot. The leader pulls out a cell-phone when Man #4 points up
at a building across the street and starts shouting.]
Man #1: (staring at the unmarked black sedan embedded in a seventh-story
window) ...
Voice: (over the forgotten cell phone) Hello? Hello? Agent, respond!
Man #1: Shit...
Voice: (over phone) What? Repeat that, agent!
Man #1: Target contacted one of the Persistents. Our transportation's
been disabled.
Voice: (over phone) Then pull out. I'll have a suitable team go after
the Persistents. Out.
[The man hangs up the phone and rubs his impossibly thick neck, snorting
in irritation.]
Man #1: Damn those three...
----------
[Later that night, with Kaji safely in John's hands, Jared knocks on the
door to Misato's apartment.]
Jared: C'mon, Mis-chan! It's after nine!
Misato: (from inside) I'm ready, I'm ready!
[Misato opens the door. She's dressed in combat pants two sizes too
large, heavy boots, a baseball cap, and a form-concealing sweat shirt.
Jared is overdressed in a splendid tuxedo. The look on his face is
priceless. Misato even whips out a disposable camera to preserve the
moment.]
Jared: (puppy dog eyes) This is a special occasion!
Misato: (firm) The car.
[Jared whines, but quits after Misato whaps him with a rolled-up
newspaper. Since the Goon moans lewdly at the first whap, she puts it
away quickly. The two then make their way leisurely to the ground floor
of the rather large parking garage, where The Car is parked. With a
flourish, Jared opens the door for Misato.]
[She glances inside, pulls her head out and stares at him, repeats the
movement, then looks inside a third time and the camera finally follows.
The inside has a large bench seat with room for four Americans, or six
Japanese, plus three televisions and several game systems. There's even
curtains over the windows. Nothing unrealistic, just stuff usually seen
on show cars.]
Misato: That's a hell of a set-up. How did you fit it all in there?
Jared: Well, you know how those little Japanese cars always seem to have
more room inside than is possible? No? Look, I'm an engineer, not an
interior designer. I moved a few supports, adjusted the wheelbase,
re-positioned the engine. A few more little mods, and viola!
[With little more talk, they're in the car, and on their way. Jared gets
into his usual mode of driving, and though they spy the occasional
police car, there's not a cop left in the entire country that dares to
think they can really catch the Chevelle. Besides, they've got money on
when it will get totaled again.]
[The Major, however, appears unimpressed. The theatrical yawns and fake
snores are a pretty good giveaway. Finally Jared brings the car to a
halt in a deserted area of town. Misato draws her gun as Jared puts on a
headset and fiddles with the stereo.]
Jared: (into mic.) Bravo, zero, one, niner. Calling east tower.
Tower: (piped through the car's stereo) This is east tower. Contact
confirmed. Bravo zero one niner, please activate beacon and ILS system.
[Jared taps a few more buttons. A series of 'clunks' sound from outside,
then inside as the controls rearrange themselves into items usually
found on a plane.]
Jared: (into mic.) ILS, on. Beacon, on. Tower, request take-off
clearance, flight plan Sidestep, Romero, seven, one.
Tower: (through the car's stereo) Flight plan Sidestep, Romero, seven,
one, confirmed. Take-off clearance granted.
[Jared smirks at Misato, grabs what used to be the shifter, and pushes
it all the way towards the dash. A green bar on the console below it
lights up and the two are suddenly rammed into their seats as the
vehicle rockets forward.]
[Within a dozen seconds, Jared grabs what used to be the steering wheel,
and lightly tugs it towards him. The front of the car lifts off the
ground, followed immediately by the rest of it. A dull roar fills the
cabin as they rapidly climb to a few hundred feet and begin to slowly
circle a massive Eva-made lake east of town, past the airport and the
hillside suburbs.]
[Once leveled off, Jared sighs contentedly and pulls a bottle of
champagne and two champagne flutes from the center console.]
Jared: (as he opens the champagne) Beautiful night. Nice that the ion
engines work too. I've always wanted a car with balls, and once I had
one, I wanted one with wings. (pours the champagne; suggestive wink at
the Major) I'm beginning to think anything is possible.
Misato: (taking one of the drinks) Dream on.
Jared: (smiles) I plan to.
[The re-closed bottle goes back into the compartment in the console,
leaving the two to enjoy the stunning view out of the windshield.]
Misato: Ion engines?
Jared: Okay, I lied when I told you I doubled the horsepower. It's more
like a dozen times as powerful as it's previous incarnation.
Misato: So...
Jared: It can fly. There's enough thrust, I added wings and the
necessary control systems... Actually your Van was the prototype flight
vehicle, but this is the first time I've had the engines assembled and
tested. This is a special occasion...
Misato: You know, this is so cheesy, that if I felt at all comfortable
with you, I might be inclined to think you were being cute.
Jared: (looking out the windshield at the clouds, swirling his drink
idly) I can arrange for Kaji to be waiting outside your apartment when
we get back.
Misato: (sorry for him?) I didn't mean it like that.
Jared: (still not looking at her) We're in a war here, Misato. We will
grasp at what fleeting happiness we can before it's all over. There
shouldn't be shame in that.
[A fighter jet comes into view, the pilot rubbernecking at the car. He
catches Jared's eye and gives a wave. Jared's halfway through a return
wave when a light on the dash starts flashing it time with a very
familiar beep.]
Jared: Buckle down!
[Jared has the car out of autopilot in record time, and pulls into a
steep dive and weave.]
Jared: (to the startled Major) They have a missile lock on us!
Misato: Who--
Jared: Don't worry about it now. Too many choices.
[The car goes into a crash dive, apparently spiraling out of control. It
levels out forty feet above some anonymous body of water, with Tokyo-3
looming up ahead of them like a seaside fortress. Jared touches the
throttle again.]
Misato: Uh, shouldn't--
[Then the city is upon them. Jared deftly steers the vehicle above a
startlingly familiar Limited Access highway, missile in hot pursuit.]
Misato: Isn't--
Jared: This place is a curse!
[The car veers off an exit at full tilt. The missile, cutting the corner
closer and fast, slams into a building and detonates.]
Jared: Hah!
Misato: Wooo!
[The two look at each other with a mix of excitement, surprise, and
anxiety. Then Jared taps the controls again and the car drops squarely
onto the road. Then he gives the steering wheel a calculated nudge,
causing them to spin through two full three-sixties and then some before
winding up at the entrance to their apartment building. Jared guns the
throttle, lays down a patch, and whips the car into another series of
apparently uncontrolled spins that stop when he's parked flawlessly in
his reserved space, narrowly missing the bright yellow F40 parked in the
next stall.]
[Jared kills the engine. In the ensuing silence, the ticking sound of
cooling metal seems to echo through the garage.]
Misato: You filed a flight plan?
Jared: (shrugs) I thought it would keep us from being shot at...
[Misato laughs. Jared shrugs.]
Misato: So, I'll have rockets on my Van soon?
Jared: By the end of the week. It'll take the tech staff only an hour or
two to install them. I built the Van with those in mind, you know.
Misato: Uh... thanks. It was... interesting.
Jared: (smirking) Get going, you silly girl.
[Misato gets out an heads for the elevator.]
----------
[Outside Apartment 724, Misato nearly trips over a large burlap sack
piled outside her door. Curious, she opens the top to find...]
Misato: Kaji!
[The man himself is inside the sack and... asleep. Looking around
furtively, Misato drags him inside to find the apartment empty.]
Misato: (to herself) That's right, the kids were going to a movie. But
Kaji was going to chaperon...
[Once she wrestles Kaji body into her bedroom, she ceases all wonder in
Jared's bizarre 100% gift delivery record, and begins to think about
ways to wake up Kaji.]
[Of course, she dims the lights and strips off her many layers of
clothing first, peeling the last from her--]
----------
Author John: AHEM!
Author Jared: Hm?
Author John: Don't you think you should have cut away by now? Hell, why
is this scene even in here?
Author Jared: (shrugs) ...
Author John: What part of 'implied' do you have a hard time
understanding?
Author Jared: Okay, okay, PG rating! PG rating! I get it already!
(mumbles darkly under his breath)
----------
[Random movie theater in Tokyo-3. Shinji, Asuka, Rei, Toji, Hikari, and
Kensuke stand to the side of the main line. The girls are dressed for
action, but the boys just threw on whatever was clean.]
Asuka: (growling) Where... the fuck... is Kaji?
Shinji: You know, I don't think he's coming. For that matter, where's
John? It's not like NERV to just leave us to our own devices.
[Shinji pulls out his phone and dials.]
Toji: Really? Those Americans seem to wander off whenever they feel like
it.
Asuka: Leaving Misato or that doctor to look after us, if we're not
dumped off at school. This is weird.
[Shinji hangs up his phone.]
Shinji: Misato isn't answering.
[Kensuke makes a note of this. Literally, like with paper and pen and
everything. Toji deftly steps in between him and the others to keep his
actions properly covert.]
Hikari: Well, are we going to see a movie or what?
Asuka: Hikari's right. The adults bailed, and it's not like the movie
theater is any more dangerous than just standing around here. You in,
Wondergirl?
Rei: i will accompany you all.
Asuka: Then it's decided!
[The group marches into the theater.]
----------
[The rest of the working week passes in relative quiet. Asuka continues
to bug John. Andy trains to destroy various animals and insects
throughout Japan. Jared continues to grope any attractive, nubile female
within range. John continues to prevent the destruction of earth's core,
leading to the collapse of the magma layers and a cataclysmic explosion
that will fling the crust into space. The techs within NERV continue to
repair and upgrade the Evangelions, and Hiroshi-ojisan finally gets his
new downtown location renovated.]
[And Andy stands on Apartment 723's balcony railing, wearing his
"off-day" Hawaiian shirt with matching Bermuda shorts over dozens of
bandages. In some countries, shooting the wearer of these colors is
considered a mercy killing.]
Andy: (air raid siren volume) SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU STUPID BUGS!!!
----------
[Next door, Shinji and Asuka have finished their last round of homework.
Both lay on the main room's floor, spread eagle. Asuka's head is on
Shinji's stomach, using the human doormat as a pillow. Shinji wears a
pair of gray khaki shorts and his typical white T-shirt. Asuka is
wearing a filmy pink shirt baring her shoulders and most of her upper
chest, and falling almost comically short of her shorts. The matching
pink shorts apply new a definition to the meaning of the word _tight_.
If she ate a single Tic-Tac, someone would have to sand it off.]
Shinji: (listening to Andy roar at nature) We should go somewhere else,
it's just too noisy here.
Asuka: Go where else? Half the city is wrecked, and the half that isn't
has turned into a traffic jam.
Shinji: Misato is gone.
Asuka: But we have AC and ice cream here.
Shinji: Ooh. Ice cream!
[Before long, the two have liberated a half gallon of chocolate mint and
are eating it out of the container with spoons and laughing like the
kids they are. Then Asuka gets a mischievous look in her eye and
"accidentally" swipes her full spoon of ice cream by Shinji's face,
leaving a dab of sweet cream on his nose.]
Shinji: Hey!
Asuka: Here. Let me--
[Asuka leans directly into Shinji's personal space and licks the cream
off with her tongue far more slowly than strictly necessary. It's hard
to tell if Shinji even notices this, since he has front-row seating for
the viewing of Asuka's cleavage.]
[She stays there, savoring the flavor with a soft noise halfway between
a purr of pleasure and a sigh of contentment. Now that the third
children is distracted, his spoon drifts into Asuka's shirt. The Eva
pilot gasps and pulls back to look at the mess.]
Asuka: (pulling at her shirt) That's going to stain!
Shinji: Don't worry. I'll clean it up.
[Shinji leans into duplicate Asuka's maneuver, but Pen Pen chooses that
moment to jump on his head, squawking loudly. Shinji's face is pushed
down between Asuka's legs, and she lets out a scream. Shinji, blushing,
frees himself and takes a swipe at the seabird. Pen Pen dodges, leaving
a cloud of feathers behind. Shinji pauses and looks at his knee, which
has landed in the ice cream, tearing the flimsy paper container asunder.
No small amount of the melted ice cream has oozed onto the floor and
splattered all over Asuka's legs.]
[To complete the scene, Misato bursts through the front door, sidearm
drawn.]
Pen Pen: Waaaarrrkk! WARK! WARK! WARK! WARK! WARK!
[The major looks at her charges, taking in the scene. Asuka and Shinji
stare at her--well, her gun.]
Andy: (heard clearly from next door) DIE, YOU WINGED CRETINS!!!
[Then the two Eva pilots and their parental figure begin giggling
uncontrollably. The giggling leads to laughing, and we fade to black.]
----------
[The next morning, in a random NERV corridor, en route to their
office...]
Jared: ...
Andy: ...
John: ...
[Yeah... We're not very talkative most mornings.]
Ritsuko: (coming down the hallway with a stack of papers) There you are!
Jared: Busted.
John: That's my line.
Andy: I hope she hasn't found out about that radar installation.
[While Jared and John glare at their "comrade," Ritsuko approaches.]
John: (in greeting) Good morning, Rit-chan.
Ritsuko: (flippant) Hey. Come to collect your Frequent Injury points?
John: Of course, another three concussions and Jared's eligible for a
toaster oven.
[Jared preens like a peacock for about twelve seconds, then...]
Jared: Hey!
Ritsuko: Didn't Ikari tell you three to meet me in Briefing Room 4?
John: < -_- > No, he usually sends underlings to do that.
Ritsuko: Indeed. Well, let's go.
----------
[Briefing Room 4. The Goons shuffle in and take seats. John is told
three times to put his feet on the floor. Jared slumps into a seat and
promptly falls asleep. Ritsuko triggers the electro-shock feature of his
mini-MAGI to wake him. Andy enters the room like a SWAT team member,
substituting small ki blasts in place of grenades and bullets. After the
excitement is over (and Jared's lead pipe gains a new dent), Ritsuko
Forces the smoke out of the room and address the Am--those guys.]
Ritsuko: We're getting a new Eva. (quickly) By "we," I mean "not you
three."
[The Goons are already exchanging high-fives, cheering, and dancing
their victory dances. Ritsuko's finger positions itself over the button
to engage the electro-shock treatment. A slight breeze causes her to
look up.]
[All three Goons are seated in the front row like obedient puppies.]
Ritsuko: That's better. As I was saying, a new Eva will be delivered to
NERV in the coming weeks.
John: And you want to ask us who we think the pilot should be.
[Ritsuko sighs and throws away a small stack of papers outlining a
lengthy speech about responsibility and planning and pilot abilities and
the selection process.]
Ritsuko: I assume you already know how we select pilots then?
Jared: About Shinji's entire class being candidates? Yes.
Ritsuko: Why can you three at least pretend to be surprised when I
reveal something new to you?!
John: Besides the fact we've seen you reveal all already? (as he is
electrocuted) AAARRRGGGHHH!!! (smoking slightly) That came out wrong.
[Ritsuko opens her mouth to--]
Andy: Aida.
[And a hearty laugh is shared by all.]
Andy: (stops laughing; offended tone) Hey, I was serious!
Jared: How about Hikari? ... What? She's got the biggest balls around
here and-- (Andy and John start making retching noises) Oh, c'mon,
that's not what I meant and you guys know it!
John: Do we really want to call in a bitchy, inflexible, simpering girl
as the next Eva pilot?
Jared: Do we really not want to shove another cute Japanese girl with an
abnormally large bust into a skin-tight outfit and drench her in a
liquid closely akin to water while--
John: VETO!
Jared: You don't have the authority!
John: She's out.
Jared: She has potential.
John: You are not fucking this world up any more, Jared!
Jared: You wanna win, or do you wanna go home with our tales between our
legs?!
Ritsuko: What about Aida's fighting--
Jared: (to Ritsuko) Shut up!
John: (to Ritsuko) You stay out of this!
Jared: We need backup here, not the next loco mecha-obsessed fanboy
yahoo that stumbles down the streets during an Angel attack!
Andy: You mean besides us.
Jared: Well, yes, of course besides us.
John: You know what, you aren't allowed to make decisions around here!
You've fucked up enough!
Jared: Hey, I'm always planning the successful combat strategies!
John: That's all you plan!
Jared: Picking Hikari Hoarki for an Eva pilot IS a combat decision you
control freak!
Ritsuko: But Misato--
Jared: Shut up! (to John) Your brain hardly works half the time, if
you--if I--you don't-- (fumes) Who does Ikari have in mind?
Ritsuko: (waits a moment for another outburst before speaking) Well, the
commander doesn't have anyone specific in mind, and none of the files
indicates--
Jared: Fuck him. Just because he doesn't get a woody looking at those
kids is no reason to deem them unfit to pilot an Evangelion.
[John whips out a crowbar and ends the argument.]
Andy: (cautious) So... Aida's the new pilot?
John: ... It was going to happen sooner or later. (thinks for a second)
Any news on the design?
Ritsuko: The final design information has not been sent to us yet. We
have an S-2 prepared and the basic B-type armor. Nothing fancy.
John: That's fine. Will it be time share, or do I get the Big Gun?
Ritsuko: Well, one of you will have to stand down if we scramble all
pilots. We can't pull Unit-06X out of lock-down unless--
John: I understand that, Doctor.
[John throws Jared over his shoulder and IT's away. The Doctor throws a
glare at the Andy-shaped dust cloud, which rapidly dissipates under the
assault. Ritsuko activates her Mini-MAGI.]
Gendo: (via Mini-MAGI) Report.
Ritsuko: As you said, they recommended Kensuke Aida for the piloting
position.
Gendo: Arrange it, then. Double the observation staff around the Fifth
Children.
[Gendo clicks off. Ritsuko scoops up the papers she threw on the floor
earlier.]
Ritsuko: How the hell did he know they would pick that kid?
----------
[Later that evening, John leaves Rei's apartment, number 725, and walks
the twenty or so feet to apartment 723, to find it empty. Shrugging, he
places an English textbook on the counter, puts two fingers to his
forehead in concentration, and disappears from the room.]
[He reappears some 115 kilometers away, in the middle of a beach. The
moon is up, its light making the water look silver-plated and the
coloring the sand a pale gray. Jared stands near the water's edge,
dressed in a black gi, his hair unusually spiked up. John, in a dress
shirt and slacks, looks out of place on the sand.]
[He removes his shoes and socks to feel the cool sand, and as he strolls
down to Jared, he unbuttons the top two buttons of his shirt.]
John: Hey.
Jared: Hey.
John: Are you firing Kamehamehas into the ocean?
Jared: Yep.
John: Isn't Andy looking for you?
Jared: He left for NERV with some weird-looking book about a half-hour
ago. Acted like I wasn't there. I knew you would be a while, so I IT'd
here and thought I'd practice for a bit.
John: (scratches his chin thoughtfully) Hm... what you said almost made
sense. Surely I mis-heard you.
Jared: (sending a small blast to the east) Kamehamhe-HA!
John: Want some help?
Jared: (raised eyebrow to John) Beam battle?
John: (the words are cool enough to be audibly capitalized) Beam Duel.
[The two assume their positions. Back to back, one looking down the
beach, the other looking up it. Slowly they both count to 10. Then
Instant-Transmission about a hundred yards away from one another. Each
appears already facing the other, and in their hands, a blue light
flickers to life.]
John: MAZENKO--
Jared: KAMEHAME--
[As they speak, the light expands until each Goon is holding a glowing,
basketball-sized sphere that out-shines the moon and stars, illuminating
the beach with an electric glow. Eyes narrow and muscles tense. The very
air itself crackles with power barely held in check, then begins to move
like a living thing, lifting and tossing about the Goons' hair and
tugging at their clothes even as they stand as motionless as statues.]
John: --HAAAAAA!!!
Jared: --HAAAAAA!!!
[The orbs fly out from open hands, leaving trails of pure light as they
stretch into something like a beam of raw energy. They rush towards
their targets at highway speeds. At the exact mid-point, the two beams
collide head-on, both stopping dead. There they struggle, surging
forwards and back, as the combatants try to overcome one another.]
Jared: Kaioken!
[Jared's beam suddenly increases in size and brightness, and begins
pushing the bubble of energy towards John. John narrows his eyes.]
John: Kaioken!
[Now the meeting point of the beams is about twice as large, and
emitting an unpleasant humming noise.]
Jared: Ready?
John: Why do you even ask?
[Jared grunts, and this time the ball easily doubles in size. John
mimics the action, sweat beading upon his brow. The ball, now large
enough to engulf a compact car, remains stubbornly between the Goons.]
John: Up or out?
Jared: (nodding towards the sea) Out.
[Through timing that is invisible to any observing party, the Goons turn
their beams to the east. Like a bean squeezed tightly between one's
fingers, the ball suddenly breaks free, streaking towards the horizon
like a cruise missile until it makes contact with an unfortunately
placed wave.]
[The detonation forms a "crater" in the water more than a hundred meters
across. A wave thirty feet high leaps up and begins rushing towards the
beach while the explosion's echo rolls down the coastline.]
John: What the hell? Goddammit, you'd better fix this!
Jared: ME?! You're the one who suggest a beam duel!
John: You're the one who shot it at the ocean!
Jared: It takes two to tango, motherfucker!
[John looks about ready to pull his hair out. Mostly because he doesn't
feel like saving the population _again_, but he's here and doesn't have
any excuse for letting this wave past.]
John: (to Jared) Fine! Shield!
[Faces grim, both Goons stand their ground, hands out-thrust as if
holding up an invisible wall. A blue shield forms between them,
stretching almost a mile down the beach in either direction, protecting
the land from the rushing wave. The water beats against the shield
mercilessly, but for all its fury, it may as well be trying to knock
over Everest in one go. In a matter of seconds, the wave recedes and the
residual waves lap further and further down the shore until all is calm
again. The Goons drop their arms to their sides.]
Jared: Interesting.
John: (glaring at Jared, but almost smiling) ...
Jared: Ice cream?
John: (sighs) Name a place.
Jared: There's one a few blocks away.
John: Have fun. You'll be back... Tuesday?
Jared: Hah. I'll see you back at our apartment.
John: But _when_?
[Jared doesn't answer, walking into the darkness.]
Author: I could capitalize that last bit and reference another story my
co-authors hate... he he! I love this job!
----------
[Public Service Announcement 1: The Real Evangelion.]
Chibi-Jared: We have a special treat for the audience today!
Chibi-John: That's right. While Author-Jared is losing his mind writing
the fight scenes for Episode 09, we kidna--er... brought Hideaki Anno
here to do some Q&A for the Three Goons fan!
Chibi-Jared: We have a fan?
Chibi-Andy: And here's our first question, in regards to the End of
Evangelion movie. "What the hell was that all about? I don't get it!"
Chibi-John: That's it. We're not letting Jared pick the questions next
time.
Anno: (Brief Lecture Mode) <Japanese>.
Chibi-Jared: (flipping through Japanese Made Easy booklet) What? Eva is
just a dramatic re-telling of Rumiko Takahashi's Ranma 1/2?
Anno: Hai.
[Stock footage of earthquakes ravaging great cities, fires annihilating
millions of acres of green forests, and nuclear weapons exploding
plays.]
Chibi-Andy: HIS HEAD IS MINE!!!
Chibi-Jared: I GET HIS SPLEEN!!!
Chibi-John: ALL THIS OVER THAT STUPID COMIC?!!
[Well, there you go folks, the End of Evangelion in a nutshell. Peace
out.]
----------
TbC in part 2.
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