Yes! My backlog on Convergence is done! Only a few more months of backlog to
go, and I'll be... late again with the new batch! ^_^
(checks email, mouth goes slack) ...There's a chapter 8. And it's twice as long
as all the regular chapters. Aw motherf9*^56&^%*&^&*!!!11!
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And, without further adieu, my current victim is... ^_^
On 6/13/06, Morgan Hudson <dataraven_659@hotmail.com> wrote:
Hello!
I know it's been a little while (about a month, by my reckoning), but I
needed to take a short break from ficcing to prepare myself for the awesome
that was Anime North this year. I am pleased to report that I was also able
to finally get the last DVDs I needed to finish off my Ronin
Warriors/Yoroiden Samurai Troopers collection. There were totally in the
discount bin. ^_^
Congratulations. You now have more material to feed your hungry muse. ^_^
-Morgan
REVAMPED LEGAL DISCLAIMER: the Sailor Senshi belong to Kodansha and
Cloverway, and the Samurai Troopers are the legal property of Sunrise and
Bandai Entertainment. I am only borrowing them for a few chapters, and I
intend no harm.
Takeuchi and Yatate: (playing patty-cake)
RONIN SUMMER: CONVERGENCE
A Bishoujou Senshi Sailor Moon / Yoroiden Samurai Troopers cross-over
by Morgan Hudson
"Convergence (n) - the approach of an infinite series to a finite limit."
Chapter 7: Preparations
Nana Asahina
The Assahina Twins (Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer): Eyng?
local rag called the Weekly Dokkiri.
Dr. Dokkiri: Eyng?
It sometimes occured
occured --> occurred
The problem with being Nana Asahina quickly became that she had
no friends. Her old self had not felt the need for them, and her new self
had far too much bad press to hope she might make any. Everybody thought
that she was a liar: who would believe her if she said that someone was
trying to kill her?
Nice hedgehog dilemma for a person that's not really a main character. Such a
debacle is truly a wonderful thing to wrap one's mind over. Such dedication in
giving each and every last plot point and minor character a story is truly
impressive.
I get the feeling that this particular 'former' youma is... Oniwabandana.
Something strong, and vibrant, and powerful enough that no mere mortal
could ever hope to harm her again. Nana Asahina could become a youma.
Surely it couldn't be too hard: she had already been one before, hadn't
she?
And we get to the point of it all. Certainly better than, "And some former
trash tabloid reporter named Nana Asahina suddenly became a demon."
the teachings of Buddha. Their power was a thing of awe,and they were
awe, and (add extra space between these two words and the comma)
reknowned for their willingness to assist any mortal in seeking out the
reknowned --> renowned
There had been a price, of course - there always was, when dealing
with the Ankoku. So far as Oniwabandana could tell, however, it had been
Ha. Got it in one. And I didn't even peek ahead of the story to get it. ^_^
Being good had done nothing but make her miserable, anyway, and with the
Suggest: miserable anyway, (comma muyo after 'miserable')
Even as a human, she had never liked to be considered weak. She
may not have been born a member of the aristocracy, like Radanthus,but
Radanthus, but
Also, suggest: aristocracy like Radanthus (comma muyo after 'aristocracy')
Hmmm. Lots of formatting problems this time around, eh?
direction until the essence of her being had filled the castle. Each tiny
little replication was like a finger, gently probing through the dark and
forboding
forboding --> foreboding
malice. They were exactly the kind of discreet and dangerous symbols she
would expect to find guarding a sorceror's
sorceror's --> sorcerer's
In other words, Badamon. Apparently, he did not wish to be
disturbed. As Oniwabandana did not particularly care what Badamon wished,
she began making preparations to disturb him, anyway. It was her job.
Suggest: disturb him anyway. (comma muyo)
The easiest way to deal with wards was not to touch them. This
was sometimes easier said than done, but Oniwabandana had always been a
very ambitious girl. Badamon was definitely a powerful sorceror,
sorceror --> sorcerer
as a flicker in response. As she neared the dark priest's chambers she
could make out the muffled sounds of his dry, croaking voice. Clearly
Suggest: dark priest's chambers, she (adds a natural pause, methinks)
of light in the entire room was provided by twenty-two carefully arranged
iron braziers,
Happosai (perks up) Eyng?
each in the shape of a different monstrous creature. Sigils
and marks had been carefully prepared on the floor in a fine red powder
that writhed and re-shaped itself as Badamon focused on the task at hand.
reshaped (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
this could be the same armoured juggernaut who had steamrolled through
half of her camp just a few nights ago? He looked like a kid. He didn't
even look like a particularly dangerous kid.
Shin: (frowns prettily)
Nise Suiko exended his hand, and the glowing crystal fell into
exended --> extended
his waiting palm. Curling his fingers around the talisman, the young man
smirked and bowed slightly before Badamon as he slipped it around his
neck. As he staightened,
staightened --> straightened
helmet until it almost brushed against the ceiling. Where once had stood
a fairly average looking boy, there was now an armoured behemoth, a
fairly-average (not so sure, but I believe that _that's_ a compound descriptor
that should be hyphenated)
square with her thumbs and index fingers and made sure he was centered
in it. Her right eye flickered, and made a muted clicking sound as she
recorded the image. Moving slightly she shifted her focus to Badamon and
Suggest: Moving slightly, she shifted
"We've hit a bit of a snag," Badamon was saying, as Oniwabandana
Suggest: saying as (comma muyo)
Badamon turned and looked directly at her. Oniwabandana's breath
caught in her throat as she waited for him to blast her out of existence
with a single crackling bolt of eldritch energy. She couldn't hide from
the Ankoku Priests, and Badamon was their leader... she should have known
that a spiritual entity would be able to sense her energy....
Suggest: leader... She
Or: leader.... She
Oniwabandana sighed in relief. He hadn't seen her. He had been
looking right at her, and somehow he hadn't seen her. Carfully, she inched
Carfully --> Carefully
her leg over the top of the stack and let the book slide off of her foot.
Inching away from the still unstabile
unstabile --> unstable
"Really?" Shin raised one eyebrow suspiciously. "And how, pray
tell, can you do that?"
"Well, for starters, he's bright red and you aren't," Shuu said in
reply, spreading his arms and shrugging as he leaned back in his chair.
He gotcha there.
"Besides, no evil twin could hope to copy your limp wrists and girlish
figure."
That's another excellent point.
"Oh, piss off," Shin said, swatting his friend on the head with
a folded up map and tossing it aside as Shuu chuckled good-naturedly at
folded-up (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
his joke. Shin knew full well that he was far from the most masculine of
the Samurai Troopers - actually, ever since Touma's growth spurt last
summer, he was one of the smallest members of the whole team.
Shuu: (chokes) Nice way of putting it. Just don't say your thoughts aloud to
any of the girls. Wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea about your size.
Only Shuu
was shorter, and the stocky Chinese boy made up for it with his girth.
Shuu: GIRTH!? Screw you! Keep your thoughts to yourself, moron!
battered old Converse high-top sneaker with neon green laces bounced down
Suggest: neon-green (compound descriptors should be hyphenated)
"Somebody get this oaf off of me!" Ryo Sanada choked, as Shuu
Suggest: choked as Shuu (comma muyo)
Reaching behind him, Shuu grabbed one of Ryo's ankles and wrenched his
leg back, causing the other boy to howl in pain and give him an angry
glare.
Shuu: Single Boston Crab, yo!
"Hey, watch the wrestling moves, Shuu! Who do you think you are,
Tiger Mask? Shin, tell this guy to quit bending me into a pretzel!"
Shuu: I'm more of a Jushin Liger, really.
"Don't worry about -OW! Hey, that hurts!- any of it, Shin," Ryo
explained. "I was a little out of it last night -Seriously, Shuu, cut
it out!- but I'm feeling a lot better now. Really. "
Extra space between 'Really.' and the double quotation mark.
"No more, I swear," Ryo said fervently, shaking his head
vigourously as Shuu shifted position and sat on the small of his back,
gripping one of the other boy's legs under each arm and forcing Ryo's
feet back until they nearly touched his shoulders. "So, call off your
maniac, okay?"
Shuu: Walls of Jericho, yo! If you didn't really mean what you said, I'll turn
this one into a Lion Tamer, mmkay?
"Thank you," Ryo said blandly, as Shuu clambered off of him and
Suggest: blandly as (comma muyo)
he crawled back to his feet. Reaching down, he tugged off his other shoe
and dropped it right next to Shin's own carefully polished penny loafers
Suggest: carefully-polished (not so sure, but I believe that's a compound
descriptor; ergo, it needs to be hyphenated)
"Couldn't have been more subtle if you were ringing a
bell. Still, now that the topic *has* been brought up, I must admit to a
passing interest in the tale, myself...."
Suggest: tale myself...." (comma muyo)
"We don't care what you got off *your* chest," Shuu interjected,
grinning suggestively as he leaned over the back of the couch and loooked
loooked --> looked (extra 'o')
Ami: I certainly didn't get anything off of my chest!
Shuu: So did Ryo got off on your chest...? (Ryo smacks Shuu upside the head)
--OW!
"Well, a bit of embellishment is expected," Shin agreed, as he sat
Suggest: agreed as he sat (comma muyo)
"Yeah, *that* would have been a real nice date," Ryo replied
snarkily, then paled and winced as he realised what he had said.
"Aw, nuts...."
Heh.
"Man, I hope we get attacked by a demon soon, or something," he
muttered, covering his face with his hands. "I could use the distraction.
I am seriously in over my head, here."
Suggest: I am seriously in over my head here. (comma muyo)
He carried himself with a sort of dignity and clarity of purpose
that almost reminded her of Tuxedo Kamen. Ryo had nothing near Tuxedo
Kamen's poise or grace, of course: he was still a bit rough around the
edges in that area.
Puh. Who cares? Ryo owns Tuxedo Kamen's ass...
Ryo: Ew.
Tuxedo Mask: I concur.
...in a fight, I mean. Get your heads out of, erm, the gutter.
patterns just trying to figure out what he was going to do next. The only
thing worse than trying to guess what he was plannng was trying to make
plannng --> planning
but it was usually directed at Usagi. This was the first time she had
been on the recieving end of it. Usagi was right - it was kind of scary.
recieving --> receiving
"Nothing you can prove," the blonde girl said defensively, deftly
tucking the notepad into one of the pockets of her green denim shorts and
grinning innocently at her suspicious friend. "Besides, this isn't about
what I may or may not have copied off of you! This is about why you're
wearing Ryo Sanada's shirt."
LOL. Ah, it's good to see the chuckle-filled spirit of the first chapter
returning in your latest offering. As great as action-filled plot points are, a
bit of humor can really get a person to release some tension and achieve
catharsis in this fast-paced fic of yours.
"I'll say," Usagi agreed, frowning thoughtfully. "I was kind of
assuming that Ryo would end up with Rei, since they both have fire
powers...."
And here we are again with Usagi the standup comedian. ^_^ Nice unintentional
joke, though not as nice as "Why are we not dead?" XD
Besides, opposites attract. Shin with the water powers and Rei with the fire
waters are perfect for each other.
Usagi: Of course! Why didn't I see that before! It makes perfect sense!
Like, for example, how she was supposed to know when one had actually
occured.
occured --> occurred
"He's too short," Rei said dismissively. "I mean, he's barely even
as tall as I am! A guy should be taller than his girlfriend, or else it
just looks funny."
Makoto: (whimpers and curls up in a fetal ball, then perks up after she
remembers that she has senpai)
Touma: (blushes)
"Well, if that's the case then Mako-chan's going to have to settle
for a basketball player," Usagi argued. Sighing dramatically, the blonde
girl clasped her hands together in front of her and leaned back, her eyes
glistening with dreamy emotion. "Height shouldn't matter, anyway. Not if
Suggest: Height shouldn't matter anyway. (comma muyo)
"Come on, Rei, what have you got to lose? Who knows, you might
even manage to not be miserable for once. It's not like you'll ever meet
any cute boys staying up at that shrine of yours,
Yuuichiro: (whimpers and curls up in a fetal ball)
"Because I say so," Usagi replied simply, sticking her tongue out
at her friend. "And I'm the Moon Princess. So there."
Heh.
Elios needed people who could handle themselves in a fight, not some
love-struck executive assistant who was obviously tarting herself up in a
vain attempt to attract her boss' attention. Really, who wore stilleto
stilleto --> stiletto
equipment that you stowed so safely in the overhead compartment is going
to be for tracking Arctic stormfronts. Considering the entire base has a
Suggest: storm-fronts
population of eight, we should have no problem slipping away. We'll stop
in Alert for supplies - there's a heavy supply shipment every summer from
Montreal, so they won't notice if we take a few things.
Suggest: supplies; there's a heavy supply (just to balance out the punctuation
marks)
"Who dares attack us?" Kaolinite hissed, crawling over Petz and
glaring out the window. "I'll fry them in their... oh, my."
Suggest: their... Oh, my."
with a disturbing pulsing sensation that reminded her of a hearbeat. The
hearbeat --> heartbeat
sky rumbled with evil intent, and huge sheets of blue lightning sparked
and rippled around them. In the distance, the black clouds spiralled and
began to take shape in the heart of the darkness that surrounded the
entire northen tip of the island they had been flying towards.
northen --> northern
"Is that going to be before or after it shakes us out of the sky?"
Petz asked, as their ride shuddered and groaned again, dipping to the left
Suggest: Petz asked as their ride (comma muyo)
Pirouetting in mid-air, Kaolinite swatted aside another of the
midair (d-v-w, no need for the hyphen)
Of course, she reminded herself, as the loathsome creatures
Suggest: herself as (comma muyo)
flocked over her body, she had to be careful about thinking things like
that. The Professor had told her that he liked *good* girls, now, so
Suggest: girls now, (comma muyo)
There was a sudden explosion of flaming scarlet light, luminsecent
luminsecent --> luminescent
had no idea what kind of fossil she was looking at - a Brachiosaurus,
maybe, or a Diplodocus - but there was a deliberate menace in its sinous
sinous --> sinuous
A single bony limb emerged from beneath the ice and dug deeply into the
snow covering as it began to lurch out of the chasm it had been buried
under for millenia.
millenia --> millennia
Kaolinite gulped as she stared at the creature in
mouting fear.
mouting --> mounting
It wasn't even half out, yet, and already it's chisel-like
it's --> its
Like a striking cobra, the huge skull launched itself at her, its
vertebrae popping and seperating as its neck elongated even farther than
seperating --> separating
Kaolinite was sitting comfortably in the middle of a vast cushion
of her own hair, completley unharmed. The once waist-length hair now
completley --> completely
her hair as it shrank back to its regular length. Of course, she realised,
as she caught herself in the middle of her fall and soared back towards
her gargantuan opponent.
Er, she realized what?
Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
sentences.
The creature was ancient, hundreds of millions
of years older than any spell she knew. Whatever magic was fueling either
of them
Suggest: either of them --> her and her comrade
Because 'them' connotes that you've already mentioned about Petz and... you did
not.
Damn, she thought fuzzily, as she splashed into the frigid waters
Suggest: fuzzily as she
The Professor would be so disappointed if he could see her.
Suggest: see her now.
She hadn't even liked Kaolinite that much. It wasn't as if they
were ever going to be inviting each other over for sleepovers, or
Suggest: sleepovers or (comma muyo)
Rocked back slightly, the creature released a loud bellow and
struck the ground with its tail, creating a booming noise louder than the
thunder as the ice cracked and shattered further. Unpertrubed,
Unpertrubed --> Unperturbed
In rapid succession the best found itself being struck by bolt after bolt
Revise: In rapid succession the best --> In rapid succession, the beast
needed was one of those things to pierce her - she liked her body with
exactly the number of holes it currently posessed.
posessed --> possessed
as they quickly froze on contact with the air. Forcing herself to ignore
the frost forming on her eyelashes and hair, Petz took off running towards
a promising snowbank
Suggest: snow bank
Muttering under her breath, Petz rubbed her arms and blew into
her hands before flexing her fingers and trying again to summon the
lightning in her hands. She was starting to shiver uncontrollably, and her
exposed skin felt clammy - the parts of it that still had any feeling at
all.
Petz: Damn revealing costumes! Damn fanservice! Brrr!
would be the point where she lobbed it at something, but maybe... Brow
furrowed in concentration, she lifted her other hand and felt the power
beginning to tingle in those fingers, as well. Placing her hands together,
Suggest: those fingers as well.
The ground shook, and the monster neared. Rising from the snowbank
Suggest: snow bank
"SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!" Petz crowed victoriously, pumping her
fist as the disc sailed into the side of the creature's head and exploded
in a shower of sparks and flying pieces of bone.
Huh. Now that's something.
"See?" she said, her teeth chattering as she lowered herself to
the ground and tried to look as imperious as possible when covered with
seaweed and shuddering uncontrollably. "I t-told you we were p-past the
groundline."
Suggest: ground line
To Be Continued...
Here we go again.
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #26: Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its
not needed and use it correctly with words' that show possession.
Grammar Rule #41: In writing, it's important to remember that dangling
sentences.
Grammar Rule #57: Hyphenate words that should be hyphenated (usually
compound-descriptors) and unhyphenate words that shouldn't be hyphenated, even
though it'd seem that either form is correct (Don't leave those words hanging
in mid-air!).
Grammar Rule #63: I before E except after C or sounding like 'a' as in
'neighbor' and 'weigh'. Unless it's weird.
As for the story itself: I like the back-story behind the ridiculously-named
youma (a fusion of 'Onibanwanshu' and a bandanna). It makes her character
rounder and important, and less like canon fodder. I bow at your presence for
making sure that each and every last character has ample screen time,
development, and relative equality.
In the midst of all the fun 'pairing-off' that the fic is doing, my nitpicky
self can't help but feel like everything is going a bit too smoothly, with
every one of the girls getting a designated guy like this were some Disney
Channel Movie with a predestined (and usually contrived) happy ending. Sheesh,
it's Otaku Wish Fulfillment concerning 'shipping' come true: all the rest of
the senshi that isn't Sailor Moon gets paired off with a Samurai Trooper a la
Mulan 2: Touma gets Makoto, Rei gets Shin, Ami gets Ryo, and I'm fairly sure
that along the line Minako will get a guy too, probably Seiji (just as long as
she doesn't pull that stunt she did in the anime and try to date both Seiji and
Shuu). On the other hand, since this is a _fun_ 'pairing-off' thing going on,
methinks my nitpicky self can let these 'contrivances' slide just this once. ;)
Then there's the second half of the story with Petz and Kaolinite. What can I
say? It's action-packed and tongue-in-cheek snarky. As an added bonus, it was
even suspenseful to boot. I have nothing more to say. Keep on writing. Can't
wait for the next chapter.
Maligayang pagbati sa iyong kakayahang sumulat,
Abdiel
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"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."
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