DB Sommer wrote:

I really ought to try and contribute more to the list. So here's 
something only... three months old.

Better late than never.  :-D

GL Sandborn wrote:

(Krista?  Elsa?  Barba?  What brought all this on?   And what did
you people do to DB?  Am I going to have to dig for his body again?)
 

I am still here for the moment.  Though that may change at any given 
time.

                    The Wild, Wild East
                 Chapter 4 - The Honeymooners

                        by GL Sandborn


    With a heavy heart, Miyabi stopped in front of them.  "I am
very sorry, Lady Aoi," she said with a formal bow.  "I was unable
to persuade the police that Miss Tina's disappearance is anything
more than a minor gaijin incident.  They are say

drop 'are'

Done.  Left over from a previously badly phrased Miyabi comment.

    But Miyabi could also see Aoi's eyes a degree of anxiety
over her missing friend.  All the more reason to choose her words
carefully.  What she had learned from people she knew in the
investigation field; private detectives, security people, and
former members of Japan's intelligence community, was
particularly disturbing.  They all agreed on the same thing; if
the men who abducted her were themselves gaijin, Tina Foster was
probably already dead.  There was no way she was going to tell
Aoi or Kaoru THAT.
 

% Not sure why everyone would assume they killed Tina, but that's not 
important right now.

It's a spy thing.  You get what information you want from the abductee 
and then terminate her.  Also, they don't think much of gaijin when it 
comes to matter of honor.  Gratuitously killing a kidnap victim would 
fit their perception.

    Kaoru seemed to wilt with information, his shoulders sagging
beneath an ashen expression.  Miyabi couldn't help but feel sorry
 

wordy. 'help feeling sorry' works fine.

Granted.

    "Tina always looked after me," he said, his voice beginning
to tremble again.  "I can't just sit here and do nothing."
    "That may be, but if your actions now are imprudent, you
might very well find yourself on the outside of the Sakuraba
family."

% I really think that is the wrong kind of threat to use. It's too 
much like he has to choose one or the other, and even Miyabi thinks 
the Sakuraba's aren't entriely in the right.

She paused to gauge his reaction.  He didn't appear any
less determined but the mention of Aoi's family seemed to hold
him there, for now.  "You have worked so hard to win their
respect.  A reckless act now would destroy everything you have
worked for.  You could lose Aoi forever."

% Hmm. I thought Aoi made it clear she'd choose Karou over her family 
early on. Maybe that was only an anime thing, though.

Quite right, in both manga and anime.  I neglected to add the part where 
she knows this but is counting on his emotional focus on Tina to 
hesitate long enough for her to spring her final argument, that his 
efforts would be better spent supporting Aoi for the moment instead of 
rushing out blindly in search of Tina.
I best fix that.

    "Good idea.  If you keep moving, you won't tighten up," he
said as they reached the exit.  "Don't worry about how this
looks.  Anyone who cares probably thinks you just had a little
too much to drink in Tokyo."
 

Tina: Too much to drink? There is no such concept.

    Stepping into the room, he frowned at another empty bottle
on the floor.  Nudging it with his foot, he sighed like a
frustrated parent.  Well, at least she's getting some sleep.
Considering what she's been through, it was probably for the
best.
 

And the booze will kill the pain. For now

    "I'll be fine.  There's an extra comforter here."
    She nibbled on her lower lip, as if trying to make a
decision.  "If you want...  I mean,...  The futon is big enough
for two."  The first hint of blush crossed her cheeks.  "You
gotta promise you won't... you know."
 

Tina: Try it doggie style cause there's no way my arms and legs can 
hold out.

You're gonna force me to write a lemon side story, aren't you?

    Tina idly pushed rice around in her bowl as she considered
how tough it must have been for him.  Like her, he was adrift,
searching for somewhere to belong.  The closest place she had
ever felt like she belonged was with Miss Landlord and the
others.  But even that gave her an uneasy sense that she was
missing out on something.
 

Orgies. No orgies when there should be plenty there.

I think that's been done.

    "Tina, I'm sorry I got you into this," he said.  "I'd do
just about anything so you could go home."

Steven: Of course, when I say 'just about anything' I mean it in the 
anything that wouldn't inconvience me sense.

Hmmmm, not sure about this.  In his mind, she would be in more danger 
going home than staying with him.  Of course, there's always the 
possibility that he is becoming comfortable being around her.

And I just realized I neglected to add sugar to my lemonade kool aid, 
which is why it's so sour.

Eh?

    His obvious surprise caused Tina to chuckle.  "Just stay in
character a little longer.  We're almost to the train station,"
she said with a straight face, hoping the director was getting
her good side.
 

Nice little inbetween chapter that had a bit of character development. 
Now that I've caught up, I look forward to more.

Then it worked.  I'm just setting up here a reason for her to care about 
what happens to him.  This will drive the plot in later chapters and the 
climax of the story.

DB Sommer

Thank you, DB.  Another good C&C.  I'll make the changes and try harder 
in the future not to make the same errors.  :-[

- GL



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