Well now, this C&C sure is a rarity. This is the first non-anime C&C I've given
out. (shrugs) Whatever. All I know is that I actually loved both of these two
series you're crossing-over; the Real Ghostbusters, especially, save for the
fact that, after a decade of not watching it, my memory of it may be a bit
blurry. I remember Janine changing character designs for several seasons,
though. The movies are cool to me recall-wise, 'coz they're in perennial reruns
so they're in recent memory. Ditto with XGB. As for Danny Phantom canon, I
generally have no problems with it; just saw reruns of it on the tube right
now, in fact. Now let's get on with the show.
Copy-Pasted Disclaimer: I reserve the right to be totally wrong, to misquote
facts and to make errors in judgment. I also C&C as I read, so what I said at
one point can easily be retracted on the next, depending on how the story
progresses. I don't claim to be the authority on fanfiction writing... Hell, I
see C&Cing as a learning experience. Agree? Disagree? Corrections on my
corrections? I'll thank you for it. Ignore all my comments in applying to your
fic? You have the right to do so. Take it with a grain of salt, use what you
can use and ignore the rest. ^_^
It also occurs to me that my lexicon may not be at par with yours, so any
unfamiliar word I ask about isn't necessarily a correction but just general
ignorance on my part (as pointed out by a certain Thomas Michael Edwards). As
such, it'd be appreciated if you'd have the patience to clear up some of my
questions on those particular instances. Thanks.
And my next victim is... ^_^
On 8/24/06, StudioPC <studiopc@sbcglobal.net> wrote:
A friend of mine planted this plotbunny in my head and it demanded to
be written. Sometimes, you just gotta go with it.
W-ell... (begrudgingly agrees) Fine.
Disclaimer: Danny Phantom is owned by Nickoloden,
Nickoloden --> Nickelodeon
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes.
Somewhere in New York City . . .
Danny Fenton wasn't very remarkable to look at. At age nineteen, he
was just one more skinny, dark haired teenager sitting on the subway.
Revise: dark haired --> dark-haired
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
He wore jeans, and old jacket, and a T-shirt.
Revise: jeans, and --> jeans, an
However, his arm was around the shoulders of a petite dark haired
Revise: dark-haired
Suggest: petite, dark-haired
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
girl clad in black and her contented expression said that if at all
possible, she'd be perfectly happy to stay like that forever.
Excuse me while I gag at Sam's hidden sappiness. (gags)
But reality intruded, and the young couple, hand in hand left the
Suggest: and they young couple hand-in-hand left the
Sam looked at him. She was wealthy. Her family was, to put it
politely, loaded.
'loaded' is the polite way of putting it?
"So the prof wants a fifty page paper by next friday.
friday --> Friday
Danny's face flushed as he watched her enter the building. When she
was gone, he started walking again. Normally he would just wander the
campus until it was time to pick Sam up and go home, but Sam's
Suggest: Sam's --> her
The neighborhood was far from pretty looking, but Danny had
considerably less to fear from such a place than most. Wandering the
streets, he found the address, an old fashioned
Suggest: old fashioned --> old-fashioned
"Fenton . . ." she mused, "How many classes of ghosts are there?"
"Five."
"Sub classes?"
Suggest: "Subclasses?" (dictionary-verifiable word; no need to separate into
two words)
"Fifteen."
"Name the Sumerian God known as the Traveler."
"Gozer."
She rested her elbows on the desk, fingers steepled and stared at
him. "Name his earth minions, their titles and the head of the most
recent cult to worship Gozer."
"Zuul the Gatekeeper, Vinz Clortho the Keymaster, and Doctor Evo
Shandor."
Hehehe. Y'know, I liked this part. Great exchange, and I'm a sucker for
barely-hidden geekdom references. Speaking of geekdom, if this were Beat the
Geeks, then Danny'd by now beaten the Ghostbusters Geek.
She laughed out loud. "Good enough. I'm Janine Spengler and I run the
Well, there you go. Great plot development with a single name change... either
that, or you can't spell Janine's maiden name right. :P
office here at Ghostbusters Inc. I could use an assistant. Mostly
answering phones, sorting mail, that stuff. Part time for now, nine
bucks an hour. Sound good?"
"Sure!" Danny said and shook her hand. "When can I start?"
"You doing anything important at the moment?" Danny grinned.
Suggest: Janine grinned.
Or: move 'Danny grinned' on the statement below. (i.e. Danny grinned. "I am
now," he said.)
"I am now," he said.
<<snip>>
"A three foot submarine sandwich!" Janine exclaimed, slapping the
desk with her hand. "Last week! MY three foot submarine sandwich!"
three foot --> three-foot
"It's okay," Danny said and looked around for a bathroom.
"That door over there. Don't worry, his slime comes off fairly easily."
The Slime was even a popular tetra-pack juice drink back in the day. Just check
out X-Entertainment to find out.
Danny nodded and went to wash off. When he returned, Janine indicated
a stack of folders. "The file room's through there." She pointed.
"Everything's alphabetical."
Danny nodded and went to work.
Danny: This is sooo COOL! AAAH, PAPERCUT!
...And if the fic ends here as Danny goes to clerical work hell, then I'm
bailing. :P
When he emerged from the file room, there was an old fashioned
old fashioned --> old-fashioned
Also, I'm noticing that you have a tendency to repeat certain phrases. I
suggest you try to avoid that as much as you could to keep from making the
story read redundantly.
ambulance parked in the middle of the room and six people were
getting out. Two of them were much older men, the others were
teenagers about Danny's age.
This is seriously alt-verse, seeing that using the canon timeline for Danny and
the GBX team would create a paradox-induced black hole that'll make, y'know,
the universe eat itself and stuff.
"I see he met Slimer," one of the teenagers, a dark haired girl who
dark-haired
Gee, blondes don't have much fun in this fic. :P Seriously, you're overusing
'dark-haired' quite a bit, so I'd suggest you find other, more refreshing
descriptions. I mean, you can note that Kylie, incidentally, goes the whole
nine yards when it comes to Goth makeup. Don't just focus on the hair so that
your prose doesn't read like a tired ol' cliche.
"Janine, you don't need help--"
"I am six months pregnant, Peter!"
Suggest: I am --> I'm (sounds more natural, seeing that it's an exclamation)
Janine snapped, standing up and
planting one hand on the desk and pointing with the other. "Six
months! With twins! Do not tell me what I need and don't need!"
Would have been better if you gave the heads-up about the pregancy when Danny
met her. It's something that's hard to not notice, y'see.
She
hmphed and sat back down in the chair.
Suggest: hmphed --> harrumphed (if you're going to use onomatopoeias, use
perfectly grammatical words to substitute the literal spelling of the sound)
in at the moment. He also got to meet, Kylie, Roland, Garret and
Eduardo, former students of Egon's who now worked as Team B, while
Tsk. Aw. They're the B-team because they were one-upped by seniority. They
should have been the X-team.
Egon, Peter, Ray and some guy named Winston, who was also out, were
Team A. The schedules were such that there was always at least four
Ghostbusters in the Firehouse at any given time.
Wow. Sounds... well-thought-out, their shifts.
The lab technician was Oscar Venkman, who Danny took an immediate
liking to.
So Peter married Ripley, and now the baby from Ghostbusters 2 is now a
technician? Cool.
All to soon, it was six p.m. and Danny hurried back to the university
Revise: All to soon --> All too soon
Danny grinned. "Well remember, Peck thinks Venkman's crazy, right?"
Everyone nodded. "And Venkman knows Peck thinks he's crazy, so with a
straight face, Venkman says 'You didn't say the magic word.' Peck
then leans on the desk smiles, and says 'And what is the magic word,
Doctor Venkman?'" Everyone leaned forward and Danny paused for a few
seconds to let the suspense build, just as Janine had done and then
spoke. "Venkman looks him right in the eye and says 'please'."
LOL. Yeah, that was a good skit in the film.
Danny nodded. "He did. Janine says Peck still occasionally files
lawsuits to have the Ghostbusters shut down, but the courts throw
them out. Venkman keeps the papers in a folder marked jokes."
Heh.
"No," Sam said with a toss of her head. "Anatomy." She winked at them
and then she and Danny went home.
The mere idea of Nick Toons going at it! Oh, the HUMANITY!
"Yeah, actually. Everyone's nice, and Janine tells great stories.
You'd really like Kylie, and . . ." Danny trailed off as Sam rubbed
his head.
Sam: (sweetly, but with poison underneath) ~So who's this Kylie, Dannyyy...?~
replacement for when the babies arrived. Danny didn't mind, he was
enjoying himself.
Just as long as Danny Phantom is among the hunters instead of the hunted, he'll
be fine. That is, until he goes all evil and muscular-like because he
jaywalked, cheated on his taxes, or something...
company, bringing with him a case of Pepsi, and an Xbox. They would
roll the 20 inch TV out from Venkman's office and pass the hours
Suggest: 20 --> twenty
Also: 20 inch --> twenty-inch
It's Grammar Rule #73 all over again, as well as:
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case.
Danny shook his head. "So how did they beat him?"
"Would you believe positively charged slime and Jackie Wilson?"
positively charged --> positively-charged
"It gets better," Oscar said. "According to Dad, he and the others
coated the inside of the friggin Statue of Liberty with positive
Suggest: friggin'
slime and then hooked up an old NES controller."
"Stop, stop!" Danny gasped.
"They played Jackie Wilson tapes while walking the statue like a
mecha
Suggest: mecha --> big, giant robot
Just to keep with the theme of two American series in a crossover. I mean,
Oscar knowing the term 'mecha' isn't impossible, but it still did sound jarring
to my ears...
"That has to be the funniest thing I've ever heard," Danny gasped,
pulling himself back into his chair. "Positively charged slime. Jeez."
positively charged --> positively-charged
"It's true," Oscar insisted. "The old Grand Central station under
First Avenue still has a river of the stuff flowing down the track."
"You are so making this up," Danny said.
"Am not."
I'm surprised he'd even believe it, but I guess working in the ghostbusting
industry gives you all the proof that you need.
"Gozer."
"Oh, hell," Danny moaned.
Is it
chick-clad-in-eighties-glam-rock-and-incidentally-has-powers-to-destroy-the-world
bad? :P
Egon came hurrying down the stairs, zipping up a coverall, followed
by Slimer who was wearing a much smaller version of the proton packs.
O_o Slimer wearing a proton pack...
But, really, it's about time Danny went ghost.
Within minutes, The four of them were racing through the streets and
The four --> the four
Oscar grinned at him. "Yeah! Great, aint it?"
Even though it's nonstandard English...
aint --> ain't
"Yah!" Slimer said and took off. Oscar and Danny moved through the
maze of crates and boxes, following the sounds of proton beam fire.
They found Eduardo hunched over behind a huge wall of crates
listening to the beam fire..
Extra period after 'listening to beam fire.'
Danny looked and felt his heart skip a beat. The ghost stood eight
and a half feet tall, was clad in burnished steel armor, and through
the faceplate of his helmet, his face glowed green, and his eyes red.
He held Kylie against him and her proton blaster was fused directly
to his gauntlet.
"Skulker?!" Danny exclaimed.
Aw. And here I thought it was Evil Danny Phantom. But we can get to EDP later,
this is just the introductory fic anyway. :) I do find it curious that the
Ghostbusters have become so weak that they couldn't handle silly ol' Skulker.
Either you're vastly exaggerating the powers of the villainous ghosts in Danny
Phantom, vastly underestimating the abilities of the Ghostbusters, or Skulker
has gotten a serious power boost since his original appearances in the Danny
Phantom series.
'Kay. Before anything else, let me just say I quite liked this idea and its
execution in general. The way it referenced past and present generations of the
franchise's shows was indeed entertaining. A more mature Danny and a horny--er,
more seductive Sam was also cool, if a bit weird to imagine. Now let's get down
to business with a little recap of the grammar rules you've broken.
Grammar Rule #0: Watch out for speling erors and typoes. (Something that need
not be stated, but since everyone's ignoring this very basic rule, what the
hell. Spellcheck, then spellcheck your spellcheck. If this fic was merely sent
to the list hastily, then proofread it. Please, don't make the FFML into your
personal spellchecker. The story itself is fair game, but we can do without the
unnecessary brain-fart mistakes with a simple proofread.)
Grammar Rule #21: Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words, however, should be enclosed in commas.
Grammar Rule #fifty-six: Usually, it's better to spell numbers out, but
sometimes that isn't the case. In general, I've seen professional authors opt
for spelling numbers out instead of writing their numerical forms. The obvious
exceptions to the rule (usually) are actual dates (October 28, 2005), exact
numbers which are large in amount (1,234,567,890) or writing the numerical year
instead of the spelled-out version (1983, as opposed to nineteen
eighty-three... though the latter is also good, IMO). In any case, a good rule
of thumb is this: if a number won't look awkward or needlessly long when
written as words, then go use its worded version... otherwise, go with its
numerical form.
Grammar Rule #73: Compound-descriptors should be hyphenated, and non compound
descriptors should be separated.
As for the story itself: I've already mentioned my general liking of the fic.
Now let's get down to the specifics. I liked the way you've merged and
referenced so many things in the Ghostbusters mythos: it makes the fandom geek
in me squeal with glee. Not so much on the Danny Phantom mythos, but then again
this _is_ just the first chapter, and such things can be further explored in
future chapters. As such, let me just congratulate you on starting off on the
right foot with this introductory chapter.
I see a lot of potential in this fic, and that's not just me adding jargon in
my vocabulary. When I say potential, I mean it; you can go several directions
at once with the wealth of info and possibilities that this crossover presents.
We first have Ghostbusters, which is a franchise in and of itself, spanning
three generations of kids and adults with its myriad of spin-offs and series.
It's truly like Transformers in terms of seniority and legacy, it is. Then we
have Danny Phantom, which is a decent series in its own right. I've already
said (reacted would be more like it) what I can say about the fic itself, so
the only comments I have is in regards to its future installments. I'd prefer
it that there'll be more group dynamics so that each and every character can
have a decent amount of screen time and development. Also, and I'm sure you're
aware of this, there's a lot of potential behind the Ghostbusters and Danny
Phantom finally battling Danny's grownup evil self. Like the improfanfic
Self-Extraction's "The King of Broken Glass" arc or the DB Sommer fic
Avenging's "Ten Rings to Rule Them All" arc; it'd be a must-read fanficcy arc
for this fanficcy fic, if ever.
As such, let's cut to the chase: save for a few nitpicks and criticisms here
and there, I like the fic as a whole. Best output you've churned out in quite a
while, IMO. I loved the cameos, the references, and I like where you're going
with this fic. As such, keep on writing! ;)
Nakakamangha ang inyong abilidad sa panunulat,
Abdiel
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
"English: A language that lurks in dark alleys, beats up other languages, and
rifles through their pockets for spare vocabulary."
"Japanese: Tried to do the same mugging technique that English did, with
disastrous results."
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